I really dislike the phrase "my needs aren't being met." Not only does this obscure the truth, but it propagates a potentially dangerous lie in its place. A relationship in which a person's needs aren't being met is abusive; however, people in abusive relationship don't say that they're needs aren't being met. They say they are in an abusive relationship. So what does this phrase really mean? I'll discuss more in this episode. Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California. Podcast available of Spotify, Instagram, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts and others. See the "About" tab for more information on donations and consultations. Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com

This video meets my needs

This one is on point. My wife frames EVERYTHING as a "need", giving herself the excuse that anything she doesn't get is abusive. I've tried to argue the point and ask her to reframe so we can have honest communication, but that just causes outbursts. Oh well. suck it up or bail out I guess.

Heard this phrase as an excuse for cheating so it rubbed me the wrong way instantly

“My needs aren’t being met.” Great line for her to hand the judge at the “family court” for simps.

Thank you. Getting needs met usually involves some collaborative problem solving. And that collaboration depends on good communication.

Great point. I've noticed people will tend to frame things in a way that make them sound more blameless/like a victim. Another example is when someone is rejected, they tell themselves the person rejecting them "didn't see their value", even though when they reject someone else, they're not exactly going around saying they rejected the person because they themselves didn't see another person's value, either.

For me, "I'm not getting what I need" means, "I'm not getting something that I require for a relationship to exist". Maybe such things are not a basic necessity for survival, but they can be a REQUIREMENT for the relationship to continue. If I were to use the words, "I'm not getting what I want", it trivializes a game changing situation. I'm not talking about little things like a sandwich. I'm talking about life-changing things like bills that amount to 110% of my income, or not having sex for a GODDAMN YEAR! I can't see calling those things "not getting what I want".

Something I also noticed in marriage was that sometimes we use these vague words because we ourselves don’t understand yet how to process the emotions and explain. One Saturday someone knocked on our door very early and we were not expecting anyone, I was still in pjs and husband was not. So I asked him to get the door but he hesitated (was playing video games or distracted with something) so I went and answered the door. I was very upset after and couldn’t even pin point why until I examined myself. Then I remembered, oh my dad used to do this no questions asked. He would ALWAYS respond if it was early in the morning/or late at night to a knock especially when not expecting anyone. Once I was able to explain this to my husband he understood and we were able to communicate. It really is just controlling your emotions, understanding/processing them and communication! Thanks for the content!

Not sure when the "my needs aren't met" phrase became popular, but to me its another indication of our increasingly narcissistic culture. I wonder if this is rooted in attachment issues from childhood too. Thanks, as always Orion, for the food for thought.

I like how you point out that in the end it mostly comes down to our own personal responsibility. It's easier to blame someone else than to look inward and do what we need to do to meet our own needs, then we can show our partner how they can contribute but not feel pressure to fix our lives for us. That's our own job.

When you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist, it’s very difficult to recognize the abuse and call it as such.

Actually, what we perceive as "wants" are really "needs" for these people. They really feel that they "need" those things to live their life. That's the saddest part and it's what makes their life miserable. They literally "need" so much things out of a relationship otherwise they won't survive.

I'm in a long and happy relationship now, and at several times I've had to say to myself, okay he's not doing what I want, saying what I want, acting how I want him to act...but instead of complaining, I've said to myself: How can I change this? What can I do so that he will say or act in the way that I want? Through trial and error I've been able to "fix" things enough that I stayed around. So I think once you're saying to yourself this isn't what I want, the next question is "What can I do about it?"

I have always deeply disliked this phrase for feeling it was shifting blame to the other person and practicing victimhood but that (what you said in the video) was so articulate on another level

These are all great points. You're making a fine distinction between "want" and "need". Sadly, this just isn't the way most people use language. No one is going to say "want" for fear of appearing callous. Another thought that just occurred to me. Don't we "need" a partner who does care and is able to deliver on our wants? at least some of the time? This isn't a cut and dry issue, but your video is very thought provoking and I'm glad you posted it.

Isn’t there always a need underneath a want? If I say ”I want $100M”, that’s obviously not want what I need. But why do I want it? I want to buy stuff, eat at fancy restaurants, travel, invest, etc. But why do I want that? I want have a sense of really making it, feel special and privileged, be dazzled and amazed. Why do I want that? I want to feel untouchable, like I can finally relax, I reached my goals. And why do I want that? Because I’m tired, I’m so very very tired. So I really need rest and to feel safe.

Quickly becoming my favourite youtube channel.

I think this discussion is placing too much importance on the way people use the terms "wants" and "needs." We all tend to use these words loosely. Fundamentally, all we really need is food, water, oxygen, and shelter. When we say something like "I need a new car" we really mean it would be convenient to have the car, or we perhaps that we will lose a job because of lack of transportation. In the fundamental sense no on "needs" a romantic relationship. But as people use the English language, it is perfectly acceptable to say something like "I need a woman who respects me." This isn't being delusional or deceitful, it's just a common way of expressing a strong desire.

Another gem, thank you for this one I'm coming to terms with understanding my short list of needs, and how they differ from wants, which are more like the cherries on top I'm happy i listened to this video today. Thank you for empowering us! ❤

I think the problem is that we default to expecting our partner to meet too many of the emotional needs we have learned helplessness in meeting for ourselves, then when they won’t or can’t it becomes a crisis. I am someone with quiet BPD in remission, and this is what I had to heal. Now that I can meet my own needs, I only have wants from a partner. I’m so happy with my life on my own that I can choose partners who show an interest in meeting my relationship wants. If someone can’t or won’t, it’s ok! It’s not a crisis anymore.

I’ve always found it paradoxically ironic that the the person claiming they’re not getting what they need frames the other person as being “selfish”

I just told my husband that my needs are not being met because in fact he is abusive but he isnt taking any other way of telling him that he is cruel to me and the kinds….. so this exact formulation is much better for telling him why I’m leaving but not getting him becoming angry and agressive

i see it as this topic addresses what society misuses. words. a helpful distinction that needs to cut down the mindless sharing of terms by millions of people. other examples include: "um", "i mean", "like", effect vs affect, etc

Never once has a man ever uttered these words

Totally agree. Needs are: oxygen, water, nourishment, and a secure place to live where you will not be rained on, frozen, or attacked by a bear. People who are living a fairly comfortable life yet go around making this complaint come across to many as whiners advertising the fact that they have chosen helplessness instead of taking responsibility for the outcome of their own lives. A former friend, whom I had to distance myself from because she was so crazy, used to ask me - when I was dating a man who called me every single day just to stay connected and see how I was - "How do you FIND such nice guys?" She would wind up in one horrifically abusive relationship after another. And when they tried to break up with her she would literally stalk them trying to keep the relationship going - she simply could not get enough of being miserable. Incredibly talented, educated, professional and attractive woman with an IQ of 145. I told her, this is how I wind up with nice guys - if a man ever treated me the way yours treat you, I would never go out with him a second time. Take responsibility.

On this one I agree. Except when people use this to describe a lack of sexual intimacy, which can be considered a basic need in a romantic relationship. On everything else re emotional compatibility, it's not a useful phrase.

I agree, but I think people know that “needs” really mean “wants” in most circumstances. So when someone says their “needs” are not being met, we usually understand that it means that their emotional, sexual, or other strong “want” is not being met. But yes, we ought to be semantically accurate.

And maybe you're just never satisfied...

This also reinforces the point of not getting into a relationship for dependence purposes, as in a rescue plan.

I understand how saying you're not getting what you want is a more useful phrase. But then everyone will say life is not about getting what you want and they will give themselves excuse after excuse to not do their part in the relationship

Actually not necessarily most abuse victims defend their abusers and have a very hard time actually saying they are being abused

In a relationship there could be an expectation of some sort of intimacy, which when lacking might turn the relationship into a friendship. This is what has happened in the past and it was not fun.

If what I was is safety and security, that’s the same as what I need, and I’ve expressed it quite clearly, and the person said they would meet the want/need, but then didn’t, then however I phrase it, it’s the same.

This is misleading too...people do have their reasons for saying their needs aren't being met. In my case, yes, it's abuse. I choose not to tell my abuser I'm leaving because abuse. That would make them more angry and more abusive. I am aware though. I used to say my needs aren't being met, and it took me a couple years of figuring out it was more than that. There's a lot of people who are abused, even more so than I am, who don't realize what they are enduring is abusive. So yes, they may use this term because they're unaware. No matter how you label things, this person isn't making you feel good. Trust how they make you feel, how your mind and body reacts, and how they show up for you.

I would say: you don't know for sure what you get when you enter a relationship. It's always taking a leap of faith and then you find out more about the person. So there are things that I want and get because the other person plays along until the real other reveals themselves.

This doesn’t cover neglect. You can not have your needs met because a person can’t provide the support you need. A partner may not know how to provide the emotional support one needs not because they are abusive but they just haven’t been taught how to love properly. That doesn’t make them abusive it makes them ignorant or not mentored.

Thank you. You hit a tangential point that was a breath of fresh air.

Very well broken down information once again , great video 💯

I love this! Get so tired of therapist asking me and my wife if our needs are being met. Needs to me= food, water, shelter. I don’t need respect, love, sex, money, kindness or an amazing partner. If we all realized this then why would need therapy (which nobody needs either). Stoicism, and eastern philosophy get this right. Today.. we confuse needs, wants and desires. I do it daily and need to stop! Great content.. keep it coming!

Accountability is one of my favourite words.

I'm going through a divorce right now (she divorced me), and this is one of the major reasons. My ex-wife regularly framed her wants as needs in our conflicts. It confused the heck out of me while going through it. I questioned myself a lot to try and understand whether I was the one in the wrong. She eventually became convinced that I was abusing her by not giving her what she wanted. Then she backwards rationalized herself as an innocent victim and myself as a heartless perpetrator. I wish I'd understood long ago what I understand about relationships now. I'm not divesting myself of fault in my failed relationship. I'm only highlighting that this is an easy way for someone to convince themselves and others that they are a victim.

You can't always get what you want. Buy if you try sometimes...well, you know.

Women say this primarily when they don't know what their needs are.

I want to send this to former pastors who always spoke about male and female "needs" in marriage. The problem was they never acknowledged those same "needs" for the single population in the churches. Suddenly, if someone lost a spouse or got divorced, I guess the "need" disappeared. The fact is, these "needs" were expectations and desires. Framing it as wants or desires puts the conversation in a better place, an arena of truth. And it helps open the possibility that the person not fulfilling our expectations isn't a monster withholding a "need."

This makes a lot of sense, and is the source of the word salad people use when trying to describe the issues in past and current relationships. We don't want to be seen as a bad person in so many aspects of life, and have been trained to always have well rehearsed reason we are not the sole source of the desired change or split. I've experienced this problem for a long time with my current girlfriend in many aspects of the relationship. Ex. I can't just come out and say I'm not attracted to you because you have gained weight and refused to lose it.Because that makes me a bad person. But does it?? I entered into the relationship because I found her physically attractive and nice. Now she is overweight, and overwhelms me with her problems and life complaints on a daily basis. So why shouldn't me no longer finding her physically attractive and being exasperated by he constantly complaining be justification to leave? I keep telling myself no mainly because I would be seen as a bad person for doing so. Because I'm not getting what I want.. but who else can make sure you get what you want other than you?

I've always understood this phase as another way for people not getting what they want out of a relationship. I just think people are overly dramatic and that is why the say the above. Relationships just seem some complicated and everyone around me is getting divorced. Haha!

Not true. I can meet my needs, but I have relational expectations. I will stand by my standards

The most basic need is to be secure and to belong. This is what we should get from making and keeping a commitment that is socially and legally respected, i.e. marriage. To break a marriage commitment because you don’t think you are getting what you wanted is to fail to meet the need for security and belonging you promised to give her.

Needed to hear this 40yrs ago

True words. I'm inspired to be a better man and be attractive so I deserve the best to stay

I appreciate your zero tolerance for bullshit policy! I still feel like something is missing in my relationship... but not meeting wants vs. needs, that's failing vs. not failing. I hope he can see that I truly misunderstood, emotional wants/needs. Thank you!!!

It might just be a lack of education on what is abuse or being polite. As a victim of abuse I can tell you it can be terrifying to seek help and be 1 00% honest about what is going on especially if the abuser gets knowledge of what you said.

"I agree. All your Wants are being met, first."

Totally agree with you!!! I hate this phrase too. Stupidest reasons to leave a relationship. Its no one else's job to make you happy. That job is yours alone.

I didn't want gf to think I wanted her just for sex so I didn't initiate. She left. After that I learnt something. Sx is free and legitimate in monogamous so why not go for it. If someone's genuinely a bit sore one day there is always leg/back massage.

What it actually is,,,is, my WANTS aren't being met

You're bursting all of my bubbles.

Very relatable we want partners but don't need them

"My partner is not living up to my expectations," would be more honest and on point. It might help to be open with your partner prior to the commitment about what your expectations really are. As to needs and wants, a number of years ago I made a list of my needs and wants. Turns out, I have a total of 5 needs. 1. Food 2. Clothing. 3. Shelter. 4. Access to medical care. 5. A purpose to my life. I can provide those for myself. Pretty much the same for the wants. As to the wants I can't provide for myself, they are ultimately optional, and broadly negotiable.

I don’t know. This seems like a stretch. When people say “needs” they often mean wants. Words are polysemous. I think you are reading too much into the word “needs” here. “I need to shed some weight” means “I want to lose some weight”. Your content is great btw, but on this one I think you are getting too semantic.

I’ve had this phrase going thru my head recently I’m in a relationship but it’s bs cos I have to work on myself and satisfy myself make sure I’m taking care of myself.

Thank you! I agree.

No matter what you do, her needs will never be met. And eventually she will bounce to someone else. Dont even bother trying...😂😂😂😂

I haven't been kissed or touched in 8 years and in a sexless marriage for the last 15 (once every year - year and a half). According to a lot of Women, physical affection is not a need, it is a want. I call forcing celibacy within marriage abuse.

Doc what are you smoking? Well when you get with a narcissist, sociopaths and psychopaths both your wants and needs will not be met, so complaining about your needs and wants are being ignored or met is an appropriate statement. To answer the “why” your needs are not being met is a good place to start to understand the person you're dealing with and what are the basic human needs that can never be compromised about.

If someone dares tell me this, I will plainly tell them to get another person to fulfill those needs.

Sets up a series of invisible moving hoops.

As a man... I enter a relationship for good sex... Most women aren't very good at it... As a friend said you've got to find a lot of miss wrongs to find miss right...

Reminds me of a George Carlin skit where he advocates for those saying such to "change their needs". Showed it to a coworker of mine and he called me a cynic.

You need to define what wants and needs are bro A want is something you can live without and stay in the relationship even if you don't get it. A need is something that, if not met, you'd rather be single. Relational needs have to be met otherwise a relationship cannot happen. And relational wants are just bonuses. There have been documented to be a list of actual relational needs: 1. Sexual fulfillment 2. Intimate conversation 3. Affection 4. Recreational companionship 5. Physical appearance/attraction 6. Commitment/loyalty For example: I NEED my wife to sexually fulfill me, have open honest communication, give me recreational companionship, and to be committed to me, and sense that she is attracted to me. I need those things. If I'm not feeling her meet any of those to my liking, then she's not meeting the need and she needs to understand how to meet it. Wants are different.. I WANT my wife to dress up for me more often, but she doesn't have to. I WANT my wife to like all the same movies I like, but she doesn't have to. I WANT my wife to be as sexual as me, but she never will be. I WANT my wife to share more of my opinions and perspectives, but she doesn't. Things like that.. When I say my needs aren't being met, I am literally saying "my wife isnt even marginally giving me the baseline effort in this relationship despite all the effort I'm giving her".

Thank you, this has helped me forgive myself.

Agreed. Like, just be honest and say you're not getting what you want.

30 seconds in, I think I get it and I love it!

Is the love a want or a need in the relationship? Is the love necessary? Is it a requirement? One may give anything the other wants, but the way in which he gives reflects his understanding of the necessity that is required to cultivate the relationship. So when she said "My needs aren't being met", it didn't mean she didn't get what she wanted. She did. But she didn't feel it came from a place of love?

Lack of psychological saftey inhibits working memory and thus inhibits decision making, creativity, planning, thinking etc.

Thank you for your insight. I love your channel. Thankyou Sir .😊

I could not agree with you more; however, people who are in a marriage relationship often tend to use the excuse of terminating yhe marriage due to a lack of effort to understand how to get what they are lacking in the relationship. Marriagades used to be " for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health." Today marriages seem to be like one of Empiror Ming's marriages in "FLASH GORDAN. " I Ming promise to not ever fling you out into space, until such time as I grow weary of you".

George Carlin has a response to this phrase: “Drop some of your needs! Life is a Zero Sum game”

Maybe a bit pedantic to be so picky about the word "needs" vs "wants," but you make a lot of interesting points in the discussion anyway!

Having to meet the needs of your partner seems very codependent as well

What about 5-6 month stretches of not being touched and having to beg for certain acts .....would kind of make you feel not wanted right?

Awesome, thank you.

Wow I now see I was conflating the two also. Tnks there Dr. ❤

I need alone time, my own space, and things I do on my own to stay sane. Any man who doesn’t respect this need is immediate shown the door. I can tolerate a lot but this is absolutely non negotiable. Perhaps this is why I remain single. It is hard for me to live with someone. I moved my mother in with me since 2021. We have our own space in the house but at times I’d feel grouchy from her nagging.

I mean my needs weren't being met in my last relationship, I had to keep begging her to talk and communicate with me when she wasn't talking for a few weeks during our 6 month relationship. And she broke it off because of a comment I made on Facebook.

So ... I understand, and if there weren't a language difference, this semantics explanation would be spot on. But, this is a problem with womaneesse. Let's be honest, it's women that use this phrase "my needs aren't being met". And the real problem is the fact that women don't actually mean the words the way men use the words. When talking about something like this, I usually refer to the deserted islands metaphor. Women perceive themselves as the lone and soul survivors, dropped into a dangerous world that's out to get them. As though they're the sole survivors of a plane crash or something, out in the middle of the ocean where there are chains of islands.... A woman sees herself as a survivor, as a victim of circumstance, put into the world, and she needs to survive. As such, she looks around in her environment, and she looks around at a couple available Islands... She looks to what these islands offer her. Her first and most pressing needs are that of water, shelter, Etc. And this means that she looks expressly for Islands/environments that can provide her with shelter and water. Perhaps she looks for a cave, perhaps she looks for a river of freshwater... Etc etc. She then finds these environments and moves towards them. She's on a constant look for bigger and better environments, that provide more and more of the life she wishes to lead. She labels all of the things that she needs for this life as a "need", but the concept isn't as fleshed out as to specify a difference between "wants" and "needs". It's just a big list of all the things that an environment might provide for her, that she would benefit from. And they're all under the label of "needs" that she would require in order to "survive and thrive". She continuously looks for a "better" and better environment, that provides her with more and more of the resources she desires, such as food, water, shelter, and the notion of more food more water etc etc. This is done because you can never survive "too much". And if you haven't realized yet, men don't actually exist in their world as real people. Men are simply seen as environments that can provide for them. Men are analyzed in terms of cost and benefit, given a value, and then set against other environments to discover it's relative value. Really interesting outcome or two of this mechanic is that women perceive themselves as the eternal victim regardless of circumstance. They're merely trying to survive and thrive within a harsh world that's out to get them. They are victims of circumstance, and they're merely surviving through these difficult times. Accountability isn't a necessary aspect of survival, nor fixing any problems. What is necessary is to locate an environment that doesn't have any of those problems, or locating a better environment that provides more benefits versus cost... The only thing that is required here is to summon enough courage to leave the relative safety of one environment, to go out and travel to the other environment, of which you "believe" may offer more benefits. And as a survivor, you'll never know for sure if it's a better move until you already do it. So it's rather daring to change from one environment (man) to another. This is one of the reasons why there's the slogan of "moving forward". If you listen, a woman wanting to "move forward" with her life is just as common as her feeling her needs aren't being met. This concept of moving forward is all about leaving the past behind in the past, completely neglecting it, so that she can improve her personal feelings (her current state of being) now. Women expressly focus on the future, whereas men tend to focus on the past. Men tend to apply deductive reasoning to problems in order to solve for them and make internal adjustments. Men's survival mechanism is very different to women's. Men attempt to self alter, and alter the environment. Whereas women move from one environment to a different environment. (These two problem solving mechanisms operate very much like the differences between warm-blooded versus cold blooded animals). But, you're a strong and independent woman, and you're worth it, so do what you need to do to "survive and thrive" within this harsh world that's out to get you. That's the narrative at least. So.... Translated from womaneesse into man speak, "my needs aren't being met" simply means something akin to, "I'm not getting all that I think I could get... from 'better' environments.". So, whereas men attempt to avoid victimhood, and they generally attempt to review reality in order to change it, women attempt only to move towards acquiring more and more resources from their environments. Whereas men are designed to survive and thrive within harsh environments, women are designed to seek out "better" environments that offer less dangers, and more benefits. In these two different approaches, these two different ways of seeing the world, it changes the way of which we use and define words such as "needs".

What you classify as "needs"?

This is the type of stuff we need

youtube consistently recommending me the worst therapists

Hahaha...unfortunately I don't care about people's needs. They are adults and should be able to provide for themselves.

Anyone who uses the phrase‘hyperbolic distortion’ gets my vote 😂

0:43 why say many word, when few word do trick?

Beautiful video! However, most people don't have your intellect and don't want to be honest with themselves.

PsycHacks, your reasoning is the overly facile product of a semantic deficiency in the English language. I agree that many people have unjustifiable difficulty telling a want from a need. But there is plenty of middle ground between a frivolous "want" and a life-or-death "need," and unfortunately English lacks a clear middle term. People may rightly use the word "need" to denote some of the things that fall in that middle ground, esp when it comes to mental health, which is an area where it is notoriously easy to "muddle thru" and suffer painful consequences short of imminent bodily harm. If "My needs aren't being met" means "My wife refuses to genuflect when I come home from work," then yeah, I am talking about a "want" and not a "need." But if it means "My wife is unsupportive or sexually frigid," and I am not comfortable calling her "abusive," it is obviously fair to talk about "needs." I trust you understand this nuance and apply it in your practice. In any event, I recommend you take this video down or revise it.

This, and “it is what it is.”

BRILLIANT!!!

When someone says they’re not getting what they need, I never think they’re in an abusive relationship. I assume they mean they’re not getting what the need to be happy in the relationship. I think you’re taking an overly literal interpretation of the word need.

My need to NOT be abused is not being met.

is reciprocity a want or a need?