I had severe ROCD about 18 years ago. I didn't have a major honeymoon stage like you explain.. I am more stand-offish.. but I knew this relationship was serious. (It was also my very first one). I knew he loved me a LOT (he is a vocal romantic), and i think that triggered my ROCD. I felt like I had to reciprocate that same level of love. I needed that same amount of certainty that he had for it to be true...... Thats when I started questioning. Questioning my love for my partner. Noticing every SINGLE thing that he did. Wonderered if I was ACTUALLY attracted to him. Wondering if I would be in 50 years. Wondering if I thought he was funny. If I liked his body, was a sexually attracted to him, was he annoying? ALL DAY EVERYDAY. Love was such a grey idea and I didn't understand how to prove to myself that I loved him. I would sit around and over analyze photos of him. Compare him to other people's boyfriends or people on the streets. I became a shell of myself. I remember being with him and feeling so depressed. Almost to the point of derealization. My mom would say... "Well you don't have to be with him, there are plenty of fish in the sea" and I would say BUT I DON'T WANT TO BREAK UP WITH HIM.. I want to love him!!! She didn't get this at all. (Same for my past themes... telling her I kept thinking about suicide but I didn't want to kill myself.) It was like a mind game I was playing with myself. Well... during this time he proposed to me. Not the best time to be proposed to at all. But I said yes.... even though I was having all of these thoughts. That's what did it for me. Saying yes to his proposal, slowly took those thoughts away. I committed to him regardless of the thoughts. I gave myself more power than the thoughts. Suddenly the thoughts started going away. I truly believe this was a weird form of exposure therapy. after I committed in this way the thoughts disappeared.. there was no room for questioning anymore. We are still married and have 2 kids. It gets better... and those thoughts will go away. Have they popped up here and there randomly... sure... but they are NO WHERE NEAR where they used to be, and I can easily brush them off.

When I was struggling at my worst that thought 100% kept me going. “I have someone amazing and I don’t want to lose this” it cut through everything. Sometimes it was a roar and sometimes it was a whisper but it was my lifeline

i feel so much better knowing that ROCD is actually pretty common. my partner is so amazing, he always tells me that “WE will get through this” god I love him regardless of my brain trying to bully me into thinking that i don’t.

The fact that I stumbled across this is truly a blessing. I can’t believe that I’m not alone

Oh my goodness. I got chills when she said "It felt like he was behind a screen." Every time I've tried to describe what this feels like, I say, "I can see all the wonderful things he's doing, and I know how they normally affect me. But I don't feel anything. It's like he's behind a pane of glass."

I feel like crying. I'm so close to complete recovery, so close. But the moments of doubt and terror feel like yesterday 😭❤️ Be brave everyone, and don't give up!

I have this. My man and I have been together for seven months and I will never meet anyone like him. He’s amazing, passionate, hard working, and extremely caring. He has his moments but at the end of the day he’s mine. He’s so unique sometimes alittle bit of an asshole to others but extremely sweet to me. It really sucks I’ve had this for a week and I’m already like please switch to another theme. He’s so understanding of cheating ocd and my rocd. He tells me I won’t ever shake him off. I always help myself by saying it may feel like this now but I know if break up with him, I’ll lose something special. Usually it attacks me by making me think I don’t want him, I want to be single, if it’s hurting me this much why don’t I just break it off etc etc. don’t listen to it! It can feel so real! You will think you are lying to yourself. The reason why it distresses you is because it’s unwanted! Thank you, I love videos like this!

These last two days have been a disaster for me, especially when I know that I want my current partner for the rest of my life. You have changed my life these last two days. I don’t feel like I’m insane, like I had two different personalities. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I will get better, I know this. 💜

When you said you realised you'd gone a year without ROCD, I cried. Right now, it feels like I'll never break free of anxiety, and even though I've been working on it, I thought I would have to deal with it to some degree for my entire life. You've given me hope that someday I'll be able to enjoy my relationship without this weight.

I'm in tears right now. Myself and my partner are currently on a break; hes in our apartment and I'm at home with my parents. I thought we were finished because of how I felt. But this video has given me so much reassurance. My head is overwhelmed and that's okay, and I just need to get myself on track and my relationship will follow. Thank you. Thank you so much. I cant wait to go home to him❤

One thing that has really helped me every time I start feeling disconnected or I start “checking” for feelings is to repeat to myself in my head that I deserve to enjoy my relationship. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to enjoy our time together.

My Rocd and anxiety started from the first month of the relationship...I mean ..the moment I felt I wanted to be in a relationship...I had this anxiety from day one of the relationship...

Ive been on an obsessive google search for the last 4 hours and while watching your video my partner messaged me something very sweet and i just started bawling. Thank you for this video. I feel so much less alone and feel so relieved.

I just wanted to say, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I clicked on this video because I wanted to hear your story ROCD. You mentioned that our stories may be different, and I prepared myself for that. However, as soon as you mentioned that your father was a good man, yet also an alcoholic throughout your childhood/adolescence, how you longed for certainty and stability in your life. And I burst into tears. I’ve never felt so validated, so understood. And... I just wanted to say, thank you. You’ve made my night. Your story is one of comfort and hope for me. 💕

Does anyone feel irritation and anger towards their partner ever since ROCD kicked in, especially when your brain is filled with the doubtful thoughts?

I'm so thankful I didn't give up, I already wrote and rewrote my break-up letter again and again, and was about to send it to my boyfriend last night, but I hesitated, I just feel that my "instinct" may not be 100% true. And I somehow found your videos, and heard the story which is so similar to mine, and so hopeful. Thank you truely

I just feel alone in this topic. I feel so... guilty I hate myself for this. And its good to know that there's someone out there I've had this for One year and a half every day

Hearing about your story was actually really helpfull... I started developping rocd about 3 years ago without knowing that it was that. I talked about it to my partner the moment those bizarre toughts starting spreading in my brain. He actually had so much faith in me that he stayed by my side even though i told him things that were hard to hear, such as having the urge to leave etc... just as you said in your video. I got to see a therapist who helped me discover my trauma that i didnt know was deeply rooted in me. She helped me a lot, as well as my partner who stayed by my side. At this moment of my life, i was really at my lowest, it really affected me and my relationships (with my friends and family). It took me a little bit less than a year to get back to my true self. 3 years later, i cant say that im totally healed as i get those little moments where rocd still hits me, but i know now how to get through it et still do my best to overcome it forever. It's really rare so i hope im on the right path to awaken into love! and im still with my partner so we can all do it

I am so relieved to know I am not alone. I’ve had panic attacks, nausea, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t bear the smell of food, could not even look at my lover right in the eyes, I felt guilty for having the thoughts of not loving him anymore, felt like I wasn’t in love anymore juste because those butterflies were gone. This anxiety monster ruined my days and nights ( just as you said I also avoided movies or books with any kind of romance in it), I would get panic attacks were my body would be all shaking for at least 20 minutes, I would cry all day long, I would feel numb and empty, my lover my best friend, is the sweetest person that I know, we’ve had ups and downs but he always knew how to confort me and I can’t imagine leaving without him… your videos helped me a lot going through this hard period, at first I was so scared to go see a doctor, as I feared he would recommend me to break up with my boyfriend, but that is not something I want because when my anxiety remains quiet for a little time, I can feel the love I have for my partner deep inside me. Even if ROCD tells me to end things, makes me wonder whether I am in love or not with him, I feel it’s just a phase, love is not only about having sexual attraction or having butterflies in the stomach it is mainly about being here for the one we love and accept the better and the worst. Committing to someone is very hard and going through life even more, but it is very enjoyable to have someone to face life with. Thank you for your video💘❤️‍🩹

Muchas, muchas gracias por subtitular esto. En hispanoamérica necesitamos urgente información como está para los que sufrimos ROCD completamente solos. Muchas gracias ❤️

With me - it's the panic of "does he not love me the same" - "does he want me" and "why don't we talk and text like before". This after being shown so much attention in the relationship. I hate this feeling.

I was going through an rocd spike this weekend and damn I just want to hug my SO and just improve myself so much!

It’s so good to know that rocd is possible to heal from and that it gets better. My issue is even allowing myself to get into another relationship. It’s been almost 3 years since my last relationship and my rocd was so so bad that I’m just terrified that it’ll happen again and I’ll hurt someone.

I feel you so much ❤️ I have been better for 4 years and this year my Rocd has come back ever harder than before... and now I’m in therapy hoping for the best. Thank you for your videos, from Italy

Oh gosh, this made me tear up all throughout. So beautiful. Currently been crying every day- feeling trapped and this is what I needed. Thank you for being a walking miracle and a blessing kiyomi. I truly appreciate you. And if you haven’t heard it yet today- we love you and thank you for everything you do. 💗

I can tell with certainty that this video is truly so important to me at this point in my life... Ever since I had my first panic attack , being with my boyfriend of three years now (and living together) brings my a TREMENDOUS fear , panic , racing thoughts , EVERTHING that you described is exactly what I'm feeling in this period of my life. I had to leave him many times only to understand it doesn;t feel right , I had to be with him , and when I came back I was experiencing the same impulsive thoughts along with other issues that anxiety brought ... It is truly a nightmare , I really had to take medication SSRI (today is the first day of medication wish me luck) , and I truly feel so afraid and disconnected with everything I once loved , including my own self and partner.. I'm having such a hard time to process all of my feelings like anger, frustration , GUILT OMG so much guilt , I feel like a bad person all the time. I knew I had Generalized Anxiety Disorder and I knew that for some reason it was projecting onto my relationship. Now that I'm aware of all this , I don't feel alone anymore , I really feel so much better for the time being , knowing I'm not the only one , knowing that i'ts okay , knowing that all these obsessive thoughts are just part of my brain wiring and chilldhoof HUGE trauma. I can't thank you enough for the time and effort you put onto this beautifully made video , only to inform other people and educate them about their "condition" if I may say. You truly are an amazing person. I really hope I get through this without losing my mind (as I often feel like it) , and if I do , you'll be a major factor in this. Keep doing what you love. p.s. I can't even talk or think about any love stories , or even mention the issue cause I get triggered SO BADLY The fact that after all you've been through , you're actually capable of talking about it , really takes a hard work , and really comes to justify and confirm that IT WILL BE OKAY if you really try to ! Thank you again and again and again. To all people who suffer from ROCD , hold on , remember you are not alone ! I love you all (virtual hug) . I'm in tears.

I started watching a video of yours from 2018 and I realised after looking back to my past relationships, and my amazing one now, that I've always had it. And that's the reason people broke up with me, but Leon (so) is sticking with me through everything, and I think I've realised a couple triggers for me, my bf is on holiday with his family so we can't see each other for 2 weeks, so I'm left alone for most of the day with my thoughts, it also came along with my depressive episode and trusting your gut...is a big one for me, I don't remember how it feels or what feeling is actually my gut/ intuition. I do truly love him so so much, but these bloody thoughts get to me, I'm honest with him so I send multiple paragraphs 1 about "I'm not sure if i love you" then a couple minutes later one about how much I love you. He's stuck with me through these episodes and he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, which I would love to aswell. I thought I was simply an overthinker, I constantly ask for reassurance that he loves me and I love him which can cause him to get annoyed but for the most part, when I'm with him I feel completely calm, happy and euphoric it's never changed but without him, he's not there to block the thoughts from rushing in. I think this past week I've had one of the most bad periods of ROCD. Edit: I've also noticed we only fight or argue on text we never a fight in person we spend a lot of time together in person and I love it, but on text I'm left alone with the abundance of thoughts.

I have been through hell the last month because of ROCD. This video choked me up with tears because everything you said made me feel comforted knowing that I am not alone. To remind myself that my partner is wonderful, loving and so many other great things. This video allowed me to not be so scared by my thoughts and love; and allow myself to be loved by him and to love myself more compassionately and patiently! I can finally eat and keep it down. Thank you!!!

It was unexpectedly so intimate and powerful. I don't suffer from ROCD, but other type of OCD. And growing up with dysfonctionnate parents is a lifelong burden to work on. Anxiety and co-dependancy ate up alive my relationship and I feel a hard loss since the break-up is fresh. But mental illness is enough, it's our responsibility to do the work. You're inspiring and beautiful, thanks.

When I watch your videos I feel like I’m getting a big hug. Thank you so much.

Kiyomi- I am suffering so much right now, last night I got to the point where I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up just to escape this.. I can’t understand why my otherwise completely normal brain suddenly attacks like this. I feel like it’s ruining everything. I’m supposed to be getting married in 18 months and everytime I start to try and plan i get this overwhelming rush of panic and trigger myself :( This video helps so much to know that I’m not alone and i’m hoping to find a therapist that won’t tell me ‘leave your partner’. Hearing you say you got knocked back gives me hope xx

This is happening to me I keep second guessing my entire relationship wondering if I love my bf or if I’m still attracted or if I can do this or if this is love or I’m lying to myself and it literally is my thought 24/7 I can’t take it and I’m staying in my relationship trying to just fight through it because I know he good to me I try to be good to him but I can’t help question myself and my life

I've been experiencing this for over 5 years and I thought I had a commitment phobia or maybe I was just meant to be alone forever. Now that I know there's a name for it I can bring it to my therapist (who is so lovely). I feel hope and relief for once, thank you so much for sharing.

I'm so happy to not be alone with this. I came across your channel just this morning, I had my first panic attack about one and a half weeks ago about the same stupid question "Do I really love him?" and I caught myself in my own thoughts, not knowing how to get out, not even knowing where it's coming from. I'm going to see a therapist in 3 weeks (it's difficult finding one nearby in events like Covid-19...) and I haven't been diagnosed with ROCD officially. But I just can't explain to myself what else it should be, because my partner is just so loving and caring, I can't imagine why I should be giving up on something so beautiful like my current relationship with him, although we're only together since 5 months! He was my best friend before and we suddenly fell in love after I broke up with my ex, but I'm sure he's the best thing that's ever happened to me, so experiencing these thoughts hurt me so badly...

SSRIs changed my life with ROCD. I know it won't work for everyone but it's just been the biggest relief for me. Whenever ROCD comes up for me now it's such a dull feeling in comparison to the constant roar that it was before. So grateful as my partner is the best person I've ever met.

Thank you so so much for making these videos. I’ve been struggling so much, and your videos have just been such a calming and helpful source within this whole process. You have just helped me so much, and I am forever so appreciate for your videos. You’ve really impacted my life in an amazing way, thank you ❤️💕 also, hearing your story helped so much because I’ve gone through so much of the stuff you’ve experienced.

Thank you so much for this video Kiyomi! Your videos ease the pain I'm feeling right now. 🥺 - help me I don't wanna leave the best person in my life, my boyfriend. 😭

Rocd is a such a bully, a nagging little voice that constantly in your head. My rocd is a result from a previous relationships, in which I stayed, but shouldn't have and I was torturing myself for almost 4 years. But finally broke off from that relationship. And as a result when I got into relationship with my girl friend, rocd just popped in within a few days. But I love this girl so much.... And it's so hard... I can't afford therapy and am looking to find all the help I can online. Please, if anyone can give me advise, I would be so greatfull. I do not want to lose her....

Hi, I came across to your channel as I've just discovered myself having ROCD and it's the first time I heard this word too. I've just finished watching your this video just now, and I wanna say thank you for sharing your story with us, I really appreciate it. I know it wasn't easy for you, I can see the sadness and the gratefulness in your eyes and from your voice. I've had hard times in my relationship, been worse lately, struggling with something I have no idea what it is. I'm an HSP and I would say this makes the anxiety that I already have even worse. I have come to the edge that this has to be fixed immediately to save this beautiful, healthy relationship (well, my bf is the healthy one haha and he actually encouraged me to find out what's the cause). And that's how I found your channel. Thank you for your hard work, this has saved many relationships out there

This made me cry so much. Thank you!!!! ❤️

Thanks so much for sharing your story. I wish more people were aware of this and understood what people like us go through. I can tell when people are exhausted with my behavior. I try to tell them, "You have to deal with me [X] hours a day. I have to live with my thoughts/actions/behavior 24/7!!!" No, it doesn't excuse my behavior, but it is a way for me to not punish myself. I am compassionate with myself as much as I can. I don't know if you have any videos about your yoga and meditation routine, but I would love to know more. Thanks again!

Thank you so much for sharing your story Kiyomi! I was so emotional watching this. I relate so much to you, and your passion and deep spiritual connection to this work makes it clear that helping people recover is your true purpose. This community is incredibly lucky to have you. I could go on and on, but just, thank you ❤️

I started experiencing this almost out of nowhere a couple months ago, I have bipolar and generalized anxiety so once these thoughts occurred my life is starting to feel like it’s falling apart. I can’t tell if these doubts are real life or if I’m just in my head, I am constantly questioning if I love him? Is he suppose to be only person I’m with? Am I attracted to him? Does the honeymoon phase REALLY end if you love him? It’s getting to be so overwhelming that I am extremely depressed and anxious at all times. It’s like I never get a break from my brain and these awful thoughts. But I don’t want to be without him... I can’t imagine not being with him, I can’t imagine losing him or not having a future with him. I have a pit in my stomach constantly, these videos have made me feel so much better. Nobody understands what I’m going through, I feel so valid. I don’t want to lose him I don’t want to lose our relationship. Sometimes I wonder if I feel this way because this is my first and only relationship. I met him at 19 he’s the only person I’ve been romantically and sexually involved with... so I often wonder if I’m suppose to only experience ONE person and love. Thank u for these videos, and thank everybody in the comments. I feel so much more valid and not alone in the world

I can’t tell you how much peace and relief you’ve brought me. I’ve been torturing myself and falling into a depression over my feelings of rocd and I could relate to so many aspects of your story and feelings of your partner! Thank you for your channel and your story🥲🙏🏽💝❤️

In tears watching this. I can’t wait to get better ❤️ You give me so much hope.

I am in tears now while watching cos it all resonates and I most probably have ruined a amazing relationship as a result of this disorder. I honestly can’t go another mile in a relationship cos I seem to ruined them all unintentionally. I am so tired.

Your generosity with this community is astounding. You are so very brave. You move me to tears. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

This was so helpful TY!!!!! My ocd has recently evolved from one theme into ROCD and I used to think I wish I had a different themed ocd but in reality they all suck. Ocd Just sucks and one is not worse then the other.

Wow. Such a powerful video! I cried while watching it. I can really see/feel the pain you‘ve been through, that you know what you‘re talking about. Now I‘m even more impressed. Thank you again for all the work you‘re doing Kiyomi!

From the bottom of my heart, thank YOU for your beautiful soul for sharing this story. ❤️

I want to say thank you for these videos and personally for sharing your story with us. I cried watching this as it reminded me a lot of what I'm currently going through with it and my relationship and for the first time I'm starting to see how my past helped in a way to fuel the rOCD I'm experiencing. Your channel has been the most influential channel that honestly I've ever watched. It's helped me, and I know others who also share in the same issues and feelings and thoughts and it helps all of us still. I want to say thank you for your work, thank you for your channel, and thank you for Awaken Into Love. Keep up the great work:)

I cant believe, the story you are telling is completely the same as I experience. THANK YOU

This video is wonderful. Thank you. It’s amazing how you resisted crying also.

You are absolutely incredible✨ I am so so tired of it.. i feel like i am recovering but i really want to developpe my love feelings , i want to love him as much as i use to! Why? I can’t explain. It’s just what i wan’t

I had to pause the video a few times because this so completely touched me on such a deep level. Thank you so much for telling your story, I feel seen and validated and like I am not alone ❤

Oh God. Finally! Finally someone explained my struggle and someone who understands! I cannot thank you enough. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

I can watch this video in my home , but when I step outside it's a whole nother scary universe! Connect with whom, trust whom , be myself in world where I never figured out where I fit in.

This is honestly so painful to deal with. This is truly someone that I want to be with for a very long time and the fact that my mind is almost drowning out the enjoyment because of this lack of understanding in my own head makes me wanna cry. When I told her about it I still didn’t understand and I got terrified because I didn’t know how she’d respond and while she wasn’t upset or angry, she seemed so confused and even a little scared because she’s been hurt before and thought that I could’ve been next to do so. And that broke me. I couldn’t stop crying and beating myself up for an hour and a half and I thought that I finally fucked up beyond repair. But then we talked about it a little more and the absolute never ending support that she was giving me as I talked myself down like I never had before made me realize that I had found the one. My first love being the greatest girl I know and will ever know. And while I still get these feelings of what could be ROCD, I know now that when I work through this my relationship will flourish in a way that it hasn’t before. So thank you Ms. Kiyomi. You’ve made me feel understood and heard.

Tears in my eyes because its me. Its a difficult month for me right now and it feels so real. But last month everything was a blessing, it went well. And it will get better again and again. Trust in life. Thanks for sharing ❤

Kiyomi, I don't fully agree with love is a choice. There is some truth. What I remind myself of is: Love is a feeling, all feelings change back and forth. It's actions that count. I mean that love is one big mood swing, going from up and down. What shows true love is treating your partner with respect, or doing little things for them out of instinct.* *Not everyone has these instincts. That's okay!!

kiyomi, thank you so much for this. thank you for sharing your story, thank you for doing this for us, thank you for understanding, thank you for educating us, thank you for being compassionate, thank you for inspiring us; thank you so much for the work you do! we love you queeeen!

Can I just say....your voice is so so soothing. Your channel has been immensely helpful to me and thank you for doing what you do! I feel so understood and validated. And also relieved that I’m not crazy

I'm struggling with relationship anxiety for over ten years now. I feel exhausted and barely have any motivation to continue. My anxiety started roughly when my parents' marriage began falling apart. At the time I didn't know what is happening to me, but since then I have serious difficulties trusting my feelings and all of my previous relationships ended as a result. I feel exhausted and numb. I feel burned out emotionally and unable to handle the situation anymore. I'm just so fed up with the whole thing.

I have these wonderful moments of clarity with this issue where i remember exactly why i am willing to wade through the thoughts and anxiety and do the work, its because i know i love my gf and want to stay. Even when the what if it doesnt go away or you recover and it ends, doesnt matter im willing to wake up and try again each day. Thanks for all the videos they help so much

You made me cry 5 times watching this

I’m so greatful I came across this video. To know what exactly I’m dealing with helps so much. A few weeks ago I went through a mental breakdown, thinking I didn’t have feelings or love my partner anymore and I wasn’t feeling intimate I wasn’t eating properly I felt uncomfortable in my environment, when I went to work It would worry me because it was still in my head. Thoughts like what’s gonna happen when I get home to him and should We breakup to see if I feel better, it was the most awful thing I ever felt. My bf is the greatest partner I’ve ever had and he’s my first relationship. I went through the stage of love and excitement and wanting to be intimate all the time and being obsessed with him and never wanting to give him his space, I would get jealous when he spoke of other girls being attractive or telling me stories That included girls, and I recently felt like I’m changing I’ve been giving my partner this space and not caring when he talks about other woman like my jealousy is fading and the biggest thing I kept thinking was I’m changing this is bad I don’t care about the relationship anymore I’m gonna loose my love and just everything hit me at once. My partner is always proud of everything I do from when I stood up to my dad when he was being abusive to getting through uni to getting work and hun seeing my changes he’s so supportive in every way and wants our relationship to grow and I do as well. He’s there for me on my worst days and just means the world to me. Funny thing is I was at work and thought what if I find a video that says like “repeat after me I love my bf” haha but I found something even better and I think this is the answer I was looking for. Thank you so much for sharing your story to know that this is a common thing helps me relax so much more ❤️❤️

Thank you, Kiyomi. You really have communicated love and compassion and the world needs this msg for this humanly struggle. With love ❤️

This made me cry, thank you for share your story Kiyomi♥️ So much love for you always✨ Muchas gracias🙏🏻♥️💕

I struggled a lot with these feelings in my last relationship, right from the beginning. Not sure yet if it was due to ROCD or was just the wrong relationship, or maybe both. I do know that when I eventually told her about it, she was devastated, and it was the beginning of the end for us. I deeply regret hurting her like that and would not recommend it personally. I was in therapy at the time but it wasn’t enough. Hope to do better next time around. Thank you for sharing your story!

Just want to thank you! You really are a role model and you give me more hope than every therapist! You know what we all go through and you know the right words for us! 🙏♥️

My ROCD thoughts have developed from what if thoughts such as “what if...that means I don’t love him, what if I don’t want to be with him” to YOU DON’T thoughts such as “you don’t love him, you don’t want to be with him, what’s the point you’re just going to break up with him” - is this actually still ROCD or is this just how I feel? I really don’t know anymore

I want to get better so bad I want to so bad nobody takes me seriously either they say I’m too young, no. This will happen no matter what in my life, I want to get over it.

You have no idea how much your words comforted me

i can’t wait to listen to this. i know i’m not alone now. i love him and i want to love him. i want to be with him and i want to leave and it’s just the worst i have ever felt. hit me suddenly after one year and a half of the best times ever i want them back 😭

Thank you for sharing. Having open conversations like these allow awareness and community. I appreciate this

i have this, me and my partner had 2 breaks because i didnt know how i felt, I actually still dont. I do on so called "good days" but when the "bad days" kick in, i lose it all, those days are usually the ones when i dont want to spend time with him or dont even want to talk to him. And like everything triggers me. I have a past trauma with my first love who is now my ex and also my partners brother. (its really hard for me to tell that to people bcs majority of people will in a moment think that im just using my partner and that i wanted someone who was my ex, but its not true. He is so different and so much better and better looking and so on..) At first the fact that i didnt feel the honeymoon phase" with my partner last year when we started to talk bothered me .Btw we started talking year after my ex broke up with me) i wasnt healed yet - it was like i didnt want my ex but i wanted the feeling the honeymoon feeling back not even him. My partner helped me so much, so so much, and now i can say that im healed. I never had honeymoon phase with my current partner and that was what was bothering me the most. How do i know if im in love if i don't have the phase in the start, bcs with my ex i had it and u know i knew i had feelings. I hope im making sense. I was really deep and still am in the ocd but the fact that i read that u dont need to have honey moon phase in other to love someone calmed me down. As i mentioned before bcs of my past trauma i hardly can say what i think i feel. Im never certain of my feeling and it made me numb. Im trying to overcome the numbness, its really hard for me to let someone or my partner near my heart, bcs im scared that if im gonna show my true feelings that ill get scared and the "love "feelings will fade away. It really hard for me to find my "humanity". Me and my partner dont really have a good communication over the phone or texts, but in reality we are so different and get along amazing. And that was a problem since we have been quarantined for a while now. I am still trying to overcome everything thats bothering me. But i think im on the right track. If u snyone has any suggestions on what to do, please let me know.

hi guys, so i live in brazil and unfortunately and luckily, there aren't many cases of rocd here, so it's very difficult to get treatment, few doctors work on it, i'm here translating your comments, and i feel very happy to know that it is a disease and not myself, I got really bad I lost a lot of weight but I'm better after understanding that it's rock.

I love you so much. You have no idea how much this helped me. I feel so connected to you, you have the most beautiful soul, so kind and caring 🤍 Thank you for existing.

I would love to have more yoga practices with you. I like your presence and what your bringing to the healing journey

The fact that this is so accurate is so scary.. it makes me tear up because this is exactly how i felt.. and I’ve felt so alone. Edit : I am so grateful to have found this account. You brought the tears out of me .

So wonderful Kiyomi. Vulnerable, insightful, and genuine. Thank you for sharing

I feel this. I keep breaking up with people. And hurting people. Now I’m single and I don’t want to do it again. I want to heal. How can I do this when I’m single? My heart really hurts for what I have done and I’m so scared to ever be in a relationship again. I feel unable to love. 😞 thank you for letting me know I’m not alone.

Beautifully told, moving story. Thank you so much for sharing and spreading awareness 😊💜

Thank you so much for being vulnerable with us & sharing your story. ✨🖤

Thank you so much for sharing ❤️ your giving not only myself but others hope too!

Ugh couldn’t love this more if I tried! Word for word my story and experience. You’re amazing, thank you so much for your vulnerability with sharing.

The video and the comments underneath are so so empowering. WOW❤🥺

It is so fucking wunderfull everytime you say "It is your story. Everything you feel is ok."

I can't tell you how much your video has helped me, I related to everything you said, even the child hood. Thankyou so much, you're doing an amazing job, keep it up, you're changing lives ❤

yes the fact that i’m also watching my parents relationship crumble infront of my eyes is also an issue i feel

I have had ROCD with ALL of my relationships ta one point or the other... with all of them I have breaking up. Now I am trying something with someone new and the OCD is present again. I have decided to use the opportunity to heal and grow instead of flee. Is never a guarantee but is worth to try. I also want to add that I had OCD to everything that worries me at some point of my life, I remember having acne and I was for 2 years 24x7 just thinking about it... one day I decided to NGAF and tho at first was hard at the end... I was acne free and I didnt even realized when it happen, but something I remember was saying that once I would be acne free I will start being happiear and guess what? my OCD reappeared in the form of my relationship which I ended because I couldnt manage the guilt. (not sure why i was guilty) it wasnt a healthy one so it was the best but, then... my OCD reappear in the form of my terrible job... that I quit. :) do you understand where this goes? is our mind tricking us to scape reality and focus on everything that we consider not ok to feel. SHIT IS REAL.

Thank you so much for sharing your story and for putting out such compassionate energy for us to experience and learn from ✨

Thankyou for sharing, very empowering for anyone in rocd recovery! You are very brave, well-done for winning the battle and using your healing to help heal others. You are amazing, and inspiring. Thankyou!!

Thank you so much for this, this is truly a blessing. Thank you

"ROCD" can be difficult but it isn't so simple and I don't know why everyone labels it as ROCD, when you label it as such it becomes only that and you trap yourself, there's a lot more to human psychology than getting a diagnose. In my case, this stemmed from me not being satisfied with my sex life. When that improved the situation got better. Worried about partner cheating? My confidence improved it became better. Panic about health? Psysical activity improved, stamina better = panic less.

I'm struggling so badly with this again now I've got postnatal depression for the second time. Medication really helps me prevent the obsessive thoughts. I dont know if my mum and dads divorce when I was 16 has contributed to me being like this 🤷‍♀️ x

I was crying when I watched your video. A part if me knows what so are telling is true, but then there is a part who thinks that all of the freedom and happiness is just beyond the reach of my hands. That this is my jail. I DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE IT! I don't have money to go to therapy. I fear I will ruin my marriage if I don't get help.

WOW, I really appreciate this, I started bawling. Felt so understood with what you shared. I am currently struggling in my relationship and I just want to say Thank you so much for what you guys have done and are doing! 💗

Thank you so much. So much.

Thank you so much for this video! I'm going through the same and most of the time it's really hard. I have a really good therapist and it slowly gets better, but I still have a lot of work to do and your videos, next to my partner and daughter, gave me the motivation not to give up! Thank you.