It's the job of the husband to deal with his narcissist mother. If he doesn't, he will lose the respect of his wife.

I am a mother in law! I have a wonderful daughter in law and I see her as a bonus daughter. ( I have 2 son in laws too). Mothers need to accept they are not number 1 in the son's life once they have a wife and the marital relationship has to be respected. Enjoy your grandchildren but for goodness sake respect the right of the parents to make their own decisions :)

Every Narcissistic mother in law is also a Narcissistic mother, wife, sister, grandmother... It affects all relationships.

Eve was lucky. She had no mother-in-law.

I think its really sick how some mother's see themselves as the main character in their sons life. Even using them as emotional support, a replacement husband 😷

The saddest part is this is my life. If you have a mil like this,GET OUT NOW. NOTHING YOU DO WILL EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH. No amount of kindness helps these people.

Why does no one ever talk about how devastating this can be to a person? I came from an abusive family right into another one with my mil and her extended family who have done so many evil things to me and yet no one ever cares..they just say things like: "Mil's are like that, no big deal" but it is a big deal! I guess I'm just an easy target since I have no family to stand up for me and I was already so broken from childhood. It's easy to step on someone when they are already in the dirt.

What i would say that there are 3 types of things a mother in law tries to do. 1. Turn your husband against you 2. Create drama ao that your husband is stressed. That leads to more fights in your relationship 3. Insult/disrespect you to make you angry/scared that she will destroy your relationship - leading to more fights and drama in your relationship All three ultimately lead to destroying the relationship if not dealt with properly

Daughter in laws need to remember this very important fact. "YOU ARE THE GATEKEEPER". You decide who you spend time with, you decide who is in your life and who is in your children's lives. At any point you decide a parent, grandparent, uncle, or aunt is acting in a manner you do not like or is unhealthy, you have the power to lock the gate. My parents kept us away from 3 out of 6 grandparents (second marriages) then 2 of the 3 we were allowed to know died when we were little. As an adult I learned for myself the many reasons why they kept us away from those people and I agree with the decision and am glad they did it. "The moment you stop being the obedient daughter is the moment you become a fearless mother." Your spouse may have a problem with it but just be upfront and communicate with them about your feelings and the actions of his or your parents. You may need to get proof of a few things your mother in law says, recording apps are great. Since hurtful words are usually said when you're alone it just confirms what you heard and no one can say "you must of misheard"

Sadly, my narcissistic mother in law’s toxic behaviors created two very toxic men. Both of them married very empathetic women. My sister and law and I became her biggest targets for abuse and we both receive zero support regarding the way she treats us from her “boys”. It’s a horrible dynamic. Thank you for the info and affirmation.

I see you've met my my mother-in-law.

My mother in law was the cause of my divorce. My husband said his marriage was a burden he didn't know how to balance between his wife and mother. He paid for my lawyer fees because he didn't wanna be a MAN and tell his mother. A MAN SHOULD LEAVE HIS MOTHER AND FATHER AND CLEAVE TO HIS WIFE. HIS MOTHER BEEN SEPARATED FROM HER HUSBAND FOR 3O YRS. THAT'S THE CHOICE SHE MADE. SINCE HER LIFE IS ALL SCREWED UP SHE CAME BETWEEN MYSELF AND MY HUSBAND.

My MIL has attacked me a few times. At first, I was shocked by what she said. Later I stood up to her and she finally backed down. Now she is passive aggressive toward me. Outwardly charming, but I catch her watching me sometimes and her eyes are full of hatred. She tried to get inside my head, told me I have "low self esteem" and when I disagreed she said she has a degree in psychology. I reminded her that her "degree" is from 40+ years ago and that she is not a licensed psychologist, nor has she ever had a practice, and so she is not qualified to diagnose my mental health. Of course, her son walks on water and can do no wrong, and all problems in our marriage are my fault, never his. :/

My Mother-in-law has been causing issues between my husband and I. Everything has to be all about her it's like she constantly needs her sons attention and cant stand to see him with another women

My husband’s mother used to hurt me with her behaviors. I tried to win her over. Could never do it though. I got sick in 2017/2018 and decided to get rid of those who bring more pain in my life than joy. Have never been happier. Still married to her son, but now she means nothing to me. Funny thing is once I emotionally divorced her, she’s all nice to me now. Either way, I don’t know her enough to care. Lol!

I knew nothing about narcissism until I met my mother in-law. It took me years to figure it out. I searched the internet with her “symptoms” cause something just doesn’t make sense. She even said something is wrong with her mentally but she never had it diagnosed. I just distance myself as much as possible I am not going to waste my time playing her mind games. I don’t give a hard time to anyone nor will I take it.

I named my mother in law the mother in law from hell. I suffered 20 years of abuse from her and couldn't say anything to her because in my culture is disrespectful to say anything yo someone older than you. One day I decided to end it all and she is out of my life forever. I am so happy that I moved 1000 miles away from her. My kids and me are so much happier.

It took me 5 years to find out, name and comprehend what was happening to me, my marriage and the relationship to my husband. That's the hardest part- a lot of people experiencing narcissistic abuse can't name it and don't know how or what exactly is happening. I personally started watching videos and reading books on the topic because I was convinced that something was wrong with me. Eventually I even went to a therapist and with their help I could finally name it. My husband and I are now 1 year mother-in-law-free and trying to rebuild what his mother managed to break. I wish I had found this particular video earlier as it describes 100% of everything I experienced the last 5 years. It'd have helped me deliver the message to my husband a lot earlier.

Another version of the gossip/relationship damaging is where the narcissistic mother in law tells third parties fabricated things and claims the daughter in law said them. It's a form of relationship damaging/smear campaign.

I once heard a therapist talk about how in her 40 years of experience, there has only been a handful of times when a father or father in law was causing severe problems in a marriage to the point the couple was ready to divorce. Usually, like 90% of the time, it's the mother or mother in law causing problems. She also said that decades ago it was more common to see a woman's mother causing issues in a marriage. But these days, it's much more common that the man's mother is killing a relationship. It's likely a cause of the rise of single mothers and overall the coddling of men. It was almost unheard of 40 years ago for a 28 year old man to be living with his parents unless he had cognitive problems. Now we see men who are completely financially dependent on their parents and the mothers are loving it. So any woman that comes along and tries to help the man to find a path, become a man, get on his feet and move out will be seen as the enemy. Women usually have an easier time putting their mothers in their place. Usually. But men seem to really struggle with telling their mothers to stand down. So the problem grows over time. Men need to remember, it's more important that a woman respects you than loves you. Love can only go so far. When a woman loses respect for a man, the relationship is going to die a quick death. If a man can't stand up to his mother, there is no way he can strut around his house like a man and expect his woman to respect him. It doesn't work that way.

You'd think humanity would've figured out this problem by now.

Please do a video on Narcissistic parents and their effect on their children.

I didn’t mind my mother in-laws underinvolvement, it just hurt when it was extended to our children.

You hit the nail on the head I had a mother-in-law who was so manipulating and controlling,she wanted to control my children and she also wanted to control my husband which is her son. She told me she could never really love me, she never would except my input as if my opinion did not matter, she was very manipulating cunning, She also could make herself cry as if she really had feelings but she was a master mine manipulator it was all False.she also spread false rumors about me that I was not a good mom and that I was abusing my children and could hurt her son,she caused a lot of problems in my marriage.She was very jealous of me as if she wanted to be the wife,it was like we were in some sort of competition. She also ignored our children as if they was not a part of their family and she also would hit our kids and she would say they were aggravating her. She has so much control over my husband he would not even say anything to her when she spoke insults about our 2year old daughter,I came against those word curses in the name of Jesus Christ and I applied the blood over my daughter and my sons,God stepped in and took control now that psycho path with her emotional incest with her son is out of our lives forever. thank you so much for your insight you have given me more of a understanding what I was dealing with and why she dislike me.God bless you.

I don't know that my MIL is a narcissist. But, she offers unsolicited advice about nearly every subject, but she does it in a "nice" way, as if she's just looking out for my best interests. It's everything from financial advice, exercise, childcare, how I wear my hair, how I decorate my home, etc. I know she's about to do it when she starts her response off with "Can I make a suggestion?" It gets really old. My husband warned me years ago. He doesn't put up with her crap, thankfully. I'm the sucker who keeps thinking our interactions will be mutually respectful and she'll treat me like an adult and not some kind of child she's trying to shape into a paricular mold. I need to just stop sharing with her.

Oh my God it sounds like your describing my life with my mother in law, 100% my case

Dr Grande, Thank you for your invaluable and rare video. Please expand this video and include COVERT NARCISSISTIC MOTHER IN LAWS! So many people are truly confused because these mothers can be charming but also play the guilt tripping victim, jealously seeking attention turning their son against his own wife. Their primary intention is a type of emotional incest to manipulate their sons gaining POSSESSION AND CONTROL to reenact their PAST QUEEN MOTHER victim complex. Often they create a gang like family dynamic pitting their sons against an abusive husband. They are HIGHLY ADEPT AS passive aggressive manipulators using guilt, shame, silence, and blind loyalty to reinforce their dominance. As they attempt to secretly gain their sons attention they are also privately COMPETING, criticizing and seeking revenge against the daughter in law.These mothers seek to dominate and want the daughter in law to assume a SUBMISSIVE secondary role in their sons life. They recreate a QUEEN MOTHER - SERVANT CHILD relationship with their GROWN son, all the while being blind to his actual age, needs and personality. They OFTEN VIOLATE his privacy and marriage creating fake excuses, fake emergencies, and fake drama. Through this drama and victim role playing they use secret manipulation to increasingly demand attention, money, or chores be completed for them. They will create fake dramas during holidays, during vacations or social events shifting the attention to themselves away from EVERYONE ELSE even children. They will often ignore, overlook or treat as invisible any others in the extended family including their own grandchildren. During conversations they twist tragedies back onto themselves. They enjoy misery becoming energized and turn suffering into a competition offering superficial or no emotional support to others. WHEN CHALLENGED covert narcissist mothers almost always become vindictive, twisting words and reality to express outrage at having their victimhood shattered. They will spends hours, days, years furious at being held accountable for their lies, or hurtful words or actions. If challenged they will misrepresent, LIE and DISCREDIT THEIR DAUGHTER IN LAWS SECRETLY all the while acting kind and shy in public. When ask politely to follow social boundaries they often become moody and hostile. They will act infantile during debates, mimicking others, insulting them, be overly demanding, make excuse for their self entitled beliefs and argue irrationally to ESCALATE RAGE AND ARGUMENTS. Once the daughter in law becomes angry, they feel vindicated and will cut off contact and FALSELY claim ABUSE. Despite being cruel and lying, they will insist to other family they are abandoned and broken birds left by the side of the road by a cruel wife. No matter how much attention, love, support or finances you provide they will never stop violating other people's boundaries, never stop criticizing, never show gratitude and CLING TO THEIR VICTIMHOOD AND MISERY. They HATE OTHERS BEING HAPPY OR SUCCEEDING and will not only refuse to offer compliments but will become openly hostile towards happy people. Even worse they actively undermine their daughter in laws attempting to destroy or control any child, event or activity that brings happiness into the home. They will secretly ATTACK family members PEACE, HARMONY AND HAPPINESS to reinforce their projection of life as a miserable hardship where everyone exists to serve their needs and agree with their world view.

You can also watch any episode of Everybody Loves Raymond

My mother in law has done most of the things you spoke about. Days after my wedding, my husband and I were waiting for our flight to head out to our honeymoon. His mother had already shown many narcissistic attributes towards me and all her sons (mostly controlling her sons). But she went off (via text) on my husband about me, my entire family, and how the wedding isn’t about the bride and groom but about the parents. We apparently didn’t do enough to recognize her on our wedding day… which we paid for 100% ourselves. My husband went off right back at her and told her if she didn’t start respecting his wife and her family then he can’t speak to her anymore. Of course she apologized (only to my husband) a few days after we came back from our honeymoon. We went to lunch with my in-laws and she was wanting ME to apologize to HER for not being more grateful at our wedding…. My husband told me not to go with him to visit his parents anymore because he was sick of how his mother treated me. But that turned into her saying I was controlling my husband and keeping him from her (even though he visited once a week)… she even told him he made the wrong choice and should have married an ex girlfriend of his (that she had met once, just once). That was it… my husband completely cut his parents off and didn’t speak to them for 6 years. He just recently started speaking to them again after my mother died because he didn’t want to miss time with them. He has enforced boundaries with them and I still haven’t seen either of them since that day at lunch years ago. If they try to talk about me, my husband stops the conversation immediately now after his mother tried calling me names apparently. I went into my marriage worried my husband would always allow his mother to treat me horribly, but as soon as we were wed he told me, “You’re my wife now. Before, my mother was the most important one to me, but now you are my family and my number one concern. She hurts you, she hurts herself by not getting to have me.” I felt strongly about his mother being narcissistic so I just stumbled on this video and it’s pretty much confirmed (as far as KZfaq videos can be considered confirmation. Thank you.

My MIL and I both share a love of gardening, so I (naively) thought it would be something we could bond over. Funny thing though, whenever I asked if she liked what I had done she always happened to ''not notice'' my flowers. On some of her visits we would have like 3 dozen bushes covered in roses along which grew large colorful lilies and clematis, which were all over the front of the house and along the entrance by which they entered. Yet somehow she'd always claim, ''oh... no. I did not have time to notice them'' while checking her phone.

Wow, I married 2 abusive men, both their mothers openly disliked me, I used to wonder what I did wrong. I didn't see until now, they had the same mother!

My mother In law is a narcissist. She uses her love as a weapon. She is consistently jealous of me and my children. When I buy my children some thing it’s always how much did that cost did you really need that. I always thought she was crazy but now I just see she’s a narcissist. Who gets jealous of their own grandkids? So many people have told me how she talks about me and my kids behind our backs. My kids are small and I never understand why she doesn’t love them??? Crazy!!!!

She couldn't get me to react in front of her but what I found painfully unbearable was the fact that he always said I was misinterpreting her meaning or was being too sensitive. After 7.5 yrs. she decided to get to me by being viciously cruel to my son. Again he tried to tell me it was an accident. This was the rock bottom of the relationship for me and I left him. He tried everything to get me back but I wouldn't put my son or myself through any more even though he spoke to his mother and she admitted everything and he said he'd never feel the same about her again. Makes me wonder if they were both the same.

Mine will say great things about me to my husband, trying to get him to convince me to come spend time with the family. But when I'm around her she's cold, dry, un relatable, and will give backhanded comments and criticism. I have never felt comfortable around her nor have I felt like she wanted me in her life. She has thrown me huge hints throughout the time I've known her that she does not like me. And everytime she insults me and I get upset, she'll convince my husband that she did not mean to insult me when she knows damn well she did. She manipulates it and makes it seem like I'm the one with the problem. I can't stand to be around her and honestly...I don't want to try anymore. It is much easier to deal with when we keep our distance from each other.

Ooh great topic for me Dr Grande. Although now left far behind, both my former mother in law, and my own mother, who was also a misogynist had a really damaging effect on my life. Now happier than ever.

My mother in-law is a nightmare. Told my husband not to date me, cause I am black and I will break his heart. Years later, we are married with kids, and she tells him I will cheat on him and leave him for someone else. She is constantly whispering lies in his ears. She makes me out to be a bad mother and bad person. In the end, my husband cut contact with her, after we came home from work and our baby was covered in bruises due to her negligence. My husband can't stand her and won't even call her on the phone.

Thank goodness for spouses who eventually recognize the narcissistic parent for what they are, and stand by their own family, ending the cycle of abuse. I'm very grateful that we have been able to get away from our narcissistic abuser and heal as a family.

This explains my relationship with my mother-in-law to a T. And unfortunately it did wear on the relationship with her son, who decided it was easier to tell me to ignore it rather than tell his mother to stop it, and I ultimately had to leave the relationship with our children in tow. Such a sad ending that could’ve been avoided if everyone had just put their egos aside and worked to have a harmonious life together

I’ve been married for 14 and called this time as living in the twilight zone. It wasn’t until about a year ago that my eyes were opened up as to what I was dealing with. I have the MIL that is not involved, but she will interject herself into my life when it is convenient for her or she’s wanting to know something. I used to be very upset that the in-laws do not involve us-especially the kids-into their lives, but now I’m trying to look at it as a blessing. Now I’m trying to remove contact unless absolutely necessary (for me and kids). Unfortunately, there’s also a family business involved , but it doesn’t involve me. (That was made clear-lol.). My husband’s brother also married a similar kind of woman. I have been gaslighted and manipulated for years. It is refreshing to listen to this and understand I’m not the one going crazy and my suspicions about her are most likely correct. The biggest hurdle that I have is not to become bitter and angry towards them because I realize it only hurts me. And probably gives her some sort of joy. Thank you for this video.

The first conversation with my mum in law as a young bride was shocking and mind bending for me. It felt as if i traveled back in time to the 10th century.. haha She was the only one who talked because her first sentence blew me away. I knew right there and then that i am in for a lot of "fun" with her. She lives with us, battles her inner demons but i help her as much as i possibly can. I kind of feel bad for her.. i'm of course still not welcome and acknowledged as a member of her family and am not invited to any festivities by her daughter.. i'm an outsider and i dont mind it. In our fifteen years of living together i think she's afraid of me now and avoids me at all costs. I try to be as gentle and kind with her as with my own mother, because i see she cant help herself acting out sometimes. I teach my kids the same. I would tell them you cant be angry with a dog for barking. That's just what dogs do.. She does piss me off though, but i forget it quickly. There were only three occasions in our 15 years together when i had to confront her with the boundaries she can not cross. The boundaries included my children, my own mother (she'd call my mother to complain about me, and then my mum would call me in tears and i would have to calm her down and reasure her and this crazy spin would seem endless) and my work place. I see her changing though.. she'd now have periods of putting me on a pedestal, admiring me to a point of delusions and then trashing my image to whom ever would listen.. her strategies are kind of morally low. What she does to create arguments to complain about makes me say that she is insane. And never before have i ever thought she might... be narcissistic.. now i know. Otherwise, i have no issues with her 😅 My moto is 'Just set firm boundaries and dont feel personally offended.. life has so much joy to offer on many other fronts'

You literally just described my whole relationship with my boyfriend’s mom in 14 minutes and 10 seconds wow 😳

Great video. Thanks to a Narcissistic Mother in Law/Father in Law and her probably sociopathic (sure he is a Narcissist at least) son (my ex) I ended up with PTSD. Thank God I got out of that dysfunctional environment for good. However, I must say, I've never been the same I was before getting entangled in their evil and cruel mind games.

You must know my Mother In Law. This video describes her perfectly..

Well, that's why there's mother-in-law jokes I suppose... I mean, this must be an age old story. Thank you Dr. Grande. 🌹👍

I'm a fiancee, I've been with my fiancee for 5 years.. His parents are so abusive and awful, it's not just the mother. They've made me cry on so many occasions by yelling at me and calling my names. They were super involve in our relationship, having 4 hour long talks with my boyfriend about how he's going to go to hell for being with me and how he's made terrible choices, on and on. Telling us we should take a break from each other, (like that's their decision.) Telling us we're bad for each other. His parents have never met my parents, because my family already hates them for inviting me to stay with them, and than kicking me out, trying to make me homeless on the other side of the country. We can't do anything right, because we're not married, yet we live and sleep together. I want nothing to do with those people. Don't want them at the wedding, and I don't want them involved with our future children.

I wanted to share that my now ex- father in-law was/is a narcissist and was horrible to me from the first time we met. He was always over involved and was cruel to me, initially behind my ex-husband’s back, and then as our wedding approached, he was verbally abusive towards me with my husband present (ie. asking me if I actually did any exercise since I look so fat). I strongly feel these issues were a contributing factor to my divorce, mostly because my husband wouldn’t/didn’t stand up for me as he would just shrug him off and say “my dad’s crazy, that’s just how he is”. It lead to so much resentment towards my husband. Because my father in-law lived in another country, it made things a bit easier but near the end of our marriage I stopped wanting to travel to his home country because of how he treated me. My husband was never able to understand why I was so bothered by his father’s behaviour and his avoidant behaviour towards his father. I will no longer date someone who has family members I do not get along with. His father was rude to me from the start, and it was a huge problem for our relationship. Narcissists are the worst.

Wow! This was very vindicating for me. My MIL literally has covered every subtype at some point in our relationship. Feels good to know I’m not crazy.

...yes that will be her. As usual limited contact, physical distance, and firm boundaries...failing that a bucket of water. I would also urge DILs to work on our self-esteem and not caring about what ILs think of us, for the sake of our sanity.

Thank you for this video Dr. Grande🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼 it validates those of us who are suffering. I cannot tell you how much this resonates💕

My mil has fully removed herself at this point. I basically lost my mind finally and stood my ground on something that she wanted to have a full blown power struggle about. After my partner took my side, she had a meltdown and insulted him along with me. She still texts him but he doesn’t respond. She refuses to speak with me and that’s 100% okay with me. I’m not sure if I’d call her a full on narcissist but she certainly has many tendencies.

Dr. Grande, I'm so happy to find your channel. Thank you, thank you, thank you. This video helps me know I'm not "crazy". The sad part is that my husband was raised by 2 narcissists, not just one. My mother law is the kind that is sweet to your face and stabs you in the back. So passive-aggressive with her stuff. She was still introducing my husband's ex-wife as her daughter-in-law when his ex died, and we'd had been married already for 18 years. My husband was taking some college classes when my mother died. At the funeral home, she came up to me and asked me why my husband was at the funeral home. She was disturbed that he wasn't at home studying for midterm exams. My M-I-L came to my house one day while I was at work and went through my daughters clothes to get rid of clothes she didn't need, because I had not done it properly. Recently, I told her that my husband had told me that he was raised by a father who considered himself the King of his castle, and everybody else was his peon servants, that there really wasn't a Queen, and she looked at me and said, "That's your problem, not mine." And walked away.

I don't know why you'd want to "heal" a relationship with a narcissistic in-law! Is that even possible with a truly narcissistic person? Isn't it better to keep them at arm's length, especially if you have any children you don't want exposed to them?

Thanks for the video Dr. Grande. Happy Monday 😃

that's why i'm a cat lady

Please, can you address the narcissistic mother with co-dependant father? Thank you.

The situation I am thinking of is a little different. The mom was diagnosed with NPD and the damage was put on her adult kids. There were lies told and a conscious decision to set them up against each other. The mom can be so mean and hurtful and caused pain to her kids. The in laws were always supportive of their spouses but were never considered “good enough” to be married to kids... very destructive and sad. The good news is the kids pulled together and are fairly close.

My ex fiance mom ruined our relationship

Yup this describes my mother in law and sister in law (s-i-l married in to the family as well, but sees herself as being the matriarch 😂). I employ the 'keep my distance as much as possible' approach for my own sanity, as they lack insight and attempts to improve things on my part, over the years, have failed. I feel for anyone in this type of situation. Fortunately my husband agrees with my point of view 100% but not all spouses are so lucky!

As I’m watching this you have reached One Million subscribers!!!!!Congratulations!!!! Awesome job!!! Hard work paid off!!! Thank you so much for all you do!!!!

Every trait is something my mil did on some level. Very sad. We moved away and I still would get sick to my stomach in anticipation of one of her visits. She literally followed us on our first family vacation without being invited. Commenting passive aggressively on my character and appearance was somewhat normal, supporting my husband in things that she knew weren't good for his marriage or employment was pretty normal,then attacking my character or way of handling the situation - normal . Even once when my husband needed to wake up early for work the next day, he asked if I'd be okay with him hanging out with his half brother that night ( his one night there ) , I said ,"How about not past 2 am and you should be okay in the morning?" His mom screamed across the room,"GO ! HAVE FUN WITH YOUR BROTHER AND FACE THE CONSEQUENCES LATER!!!" My husband was embarrassed and said, "I got this, Mom." I spoke to her in private later , explaining that he often would get sick at that job when he'd stay out too late with friends or family. Instead of owning up to what she screamed in front of five people , she instead said, "Oh, I was agreeing with you!" Made it hard to come to an understanding with her with frequent lies like that. We tried to have an open dialog on a healthier relationship with her moving forward and were met with manipulation, defensiveness, defiance (breaking healthy boundaries we specifically requested), and anger.

Lol, oh dear I thought there was narcissism in my relationship with my mil but thought after the first half I must be wrong. Then I heard the second half! We moved from New Zealand to the UK to be near my mil, we got along so well. Then she would be controlling with my children, my youngest is autistic so I’ve had to step in a lot. She is awful about my husband to everyone including me. He is a hard working man with a lot of his own childhood trauma from her hands...he warned me about her but because my own relationship with my mum is so good I thought he was exaggerating. Now my husbands brother has a missus and a baby...they get along really well, breaks my heart, I’m away from all of my family.

My MIL is 3 & 4 🙄 it’s horrible. It’s impossible to heal the relationship. I’m over it. Been dealing with her for 7yrs and she continues playing games behind the scenes.

Thank you so much Dr. Grande....great video! I love that you touch on the ramifications of this type of relationship. I'm a happy, empathic and friendly extrovert and nothing ever made me feel so unsure or unstable as dealing with a narcissistic person but specifically, my MIL. There is so much that took place over time (all of the behaviors listed in your video and MORE). I am not sure If it will ever truly be "normal" or okay and my heart hurts for my husband as he's had his eyes opened the last 4 years). But before that time, I felt myself slipping away mentally to my own safe place and hurting emotionally in a horrid cycle of narcissistic abuse that was literally happening right before my eyes...and his. He used to get sick to his stomach about confronting her or confrontation and shortly after our engagement i Iearned why. Some days i feel so naive and dumb. I think it was probably covert at first because when I noticed it got bad was after our engagement...and then thereafter for 6 years (8 total) until I had opened up to my s/o and admitted how much I was hurting (still amazed that he was blind to so much even witnessing it all himself). But it got to the point my bags were packed. I had two little girls to think about and I needed to be the mother they deserved, not what someone abusive was helping me become, a shell of my former self.

Thank you for another great video on a truly important topic. Divorce or no contact is the only sane solution for most.

Doctor, I'm not a mil yet. Your video today really helped me think about what kind of mil I will become. I sincerely thank you for helping me see how I don't want to be! You're fantastic Doctor G, really appreciate you!👇👏

Great video. All I got from my narcissistic mother in law was criticism and smear campaigns. My husband was her scapegoat child. My husband's ex wife is also a narcissist. Those 2 stayed very close, even through the ex's many marriages. The hardest part was her hateful behavior towards our son. My husband's 2 older children were clearly her favorites. She would make sure we knew about all her outings and gifts to the favorites. We went no contact when she tried to turn our son and my mother against us. We took care of my husband's narcissistic mother the last 3.5 years of her life. She never changed. It only gets worse the older they get.

Great topic! This is very close to what I experienced as a son in law. My ex-mother in law was over involved and became supportive of my ex-wife's affair. This was a very difficult situation, the more I pushed a boundary, the more I became the "bad" one. My ex, now in her 40's, still suffers with her mothers over involvement.

Holy cow.... I've wanted to hear what you have to say on this topic for awhile, and finally found it. But at 2 minutes in I've read some comments, heard your introduction, and will have to leave this alone for now or it's gonna bring back way too much trauma. It's almost like she caused me more hurt than her son did - but then, since she raised him and was always pressing his buttons, maybe she did? On the bright side, your excellent straightforward presentation on the subject has been extremely beneficial in helping me identify (after the fact) and communicate the behaviours that seemed to be all in my head for so long. Thank you, Dr. Grande! ♥️🍍

The look on your face in this one is priceless esp given the title. I really enjoy your videos btw

This is great! Dr. Grande, please consider doing one about narcissistic daughter in laws! My sister in law is undiagnosed but pathologically exudes 8 out of the 9 diagnostic criteria, and pathologically exudes the typical non-diagnostic characteristics of the conceptualization of NPD. When she married her husband, she instigated fights between him and his biological family and barred his mother from having any contact with him or their daughter, her grand daughter. The child is now two years old, and the paternal grandmother has not been able to see her granddaughter since the big manufacturered fight that occurred about a month after the birth of the child. And her son will not talk to her. My (presumably) NPD sister in law tells the world that the paternal grandmother is the one that refuses to talk to them and refuses to see her granddaughter. But we see the paternal grandmother often at the place she works. Her side of the story is that she's tried to reach out countless times, but she either gets ignored or laughed at by them. And since i know my sister in law and the pathologies she exudes in every day life, I definitely believe the paternal grandmother over them. I think it'd be very interesting and helpfully informative if you talked about this dynamic as well. Thank you for everything you do!

Some MILs manage to be both over and under involved.

Thank you for making a video about this, it seems like it is very hard to find even though it is very common. My mother-in-law is a narcissistic, gaslighting, abusive, controlling, toxic, mean woman. It has taken my husband 5 years to finally cut her out of her his life just a few days ago. But I still feel help to feel anger and frustration from past events from her, thank you for making us feel a little less crazy for her behaviour.

In my experience, the whole in law family dinamic was sustained and maintained by me. Because i am an empath and i love to care for people, since i entered the family, i was dealing with the monster at weekly family gatherings while the rest of the family could hang out in peace, drink, laugh...while I was basically being drained and slaughtered emotionally. After 4 years of torture I cut all ties to her, completely blocked her from everything and knew the consequences would be horrible for a while, some months.... Because obviously she would say how horrible of a person i am for ignoring her, and my partner would have to visit her with our son on his own. BUT i knew without a doubt that Me being out of the picture, would mean she would then try to feed of my partner, who was comfortably in denial (as I had been taking all the bullets for the team for 4 years) and my partner would soon be confronted with the evident truth of the narcissism of his mother. Said and done, that's exactly what happened. She dag her own trench, I just gave her 4 years of undeserved heaven because I had no experience with female narcissism. It only took like 3 times of my partner going to visit them and coming back home feeling terribly ill inside, to come to see that something was off about his mother. Also, on my sons birthday, she wanted to see him , my partner brought him to see his grandparents, and she had "gone for a walk" to avoid seeing my toddler because "she was so hurt". ALWAYS bad vibes. ALWAYS making everybody pay her back for pretty much just existing.

Over involvement indeed , passif/agressive tactics, jealousy, yeah arrogance, omg I'm so glad I found you! The ex MIl came to our place & wash the dishes do the laundry .her son called her bcoz we were supposed to receive appliances we were at work I didn't even know he did that. When I was pregnant it's became worst she took all of our baby shower gifts to her house , she said maybe my son was allergic to my milk😆😣😣blessed your heart ! I'm glad I divorced them. Yeah his son have a new supply.

This is affirming gold. Thank you for putting 20 years of misery to rest for me. God bless you!

I entered the relationship thinking that my MIL would be like a second mother for me… honestly what I found in that toxic relationship changed my life: I discovered Narcissism and understood the craziness I went through for years

My mother in law exibited all of these traits combined. She literally hated me. I never stood a chance. She made my life a living hell and drove me to the brink of a nervous breakdown. She severely compromised my marriage and tried at every turn to steal away my son and daughter and separate Me from them, or turn them against me. She was sinister to me and played up her affection and approval of me in public ,so that no one would ever know the real truth. She was pure evil to me. It has scarred my marriage and my relationships with my children. It has taken me years to overcome the damage caused by her upon my soul and heart and mind. I will never be the same. She was a demon who played two faces. No one knew her for what she was, but me. She followed us to our church and drove me out. She followed my son to his school and interfered with his schooling. The school principal contacted me explaining that she was spoon feeding my son in the cafeteria and keeping him in the clinic all day out of class. She later passed away. I hate to sound cruel, but it was my only chance to recover from the destruction she made of my life. She ripped my very soul and sanity. If God hadn’t of intervened, I don’t think I would of kept it together. I would of lost my mind or died my self. No one should have to endure that kind of harassment and torment. I never did anything unkind to that woman ever ,to deserve how she treated me. It was a living nightmare straight up out of Hell. I had no support through it all ,other than Gods grace sustaining me. It’s abuse . I feel for anyone who has this situation to deal with. May God be with you.

This happened to me, mother-in-law was always controlling over her daughter. This destroyed our marriage now we're going thru a divorce, I didn't realize it was narcissism she would always speak bad against men, but now l feel so relieved after my ex wife discarding me even though it was a tough time for me.

Thank you for this video - this perfectly described how my mother has been behaving towards me in my adult years. Yes, my mother - not my mother-in-law. I think this video also offers helpful advice and concepts for people whose own mother has NPD. This actually described the experience way better than most videos with the topic NPD mothers and their adult daughters. I found the description of the intrusive mother-in-law especially helpful. My Mom used to also come to my apartment, usually uninvited, but always in search for power and trying to break my decisions and alongside that my spirit. Perfect description: "They exert their control by completing unsolicited tasks for the daughter-in-law or directly instructing the daughter-in-law - a lot of suggestions. Arriving at the daughter-in-law’s home, moving right in and trying to take away the control, the responsibility. Contradicts decisions, creating a power struggle." Yes yes yes - that's my Mom! Thank you for understanding, Dr. Grande.

Great video and confirms many things to me . Thanks so much for posting this.

My only advice is , before marrying or committing to your partner . If you know his mother is narcissistic, no matter how you feel about him , don’t get into that relationship if you know Your Partner will not put his mother in her place . A relationship won’t work if he doesn’t simply get up and move away and cut ties with her . Depends on how much he loves you.

Great video idea. Would love to hear about narcissism in father in laws too if it’s significantly different in anyway, as this relates to me.

How does a DIL and son set boundaries for a mean narcissistic MIL? the son and his wife are on the same page about the MIL’s anger and bad behavior. will you please consider doing a follow up video to this one? Thank you.

My mil knew her son was seeing a coworker..our son was 5 months old. I found out, we broke up and she would tell me that her son and the other woman were in love. Upon her seeing negative things in the new love interest, my mil said to me " i told( her son)that this woman is no good, that he should just go back to you)". It was crazy, and not true. We stayed broken up yet somehow got through it all and eventually got back together. Things are better between us, yet my mil is worse. She does ignore the fact our son cannot have soda etc and gives it to him often. I don't want to argue as I know how bad my mil can be. I've seen and heard the horrible evil things she has said and done towards her son if she's angered or what she takes as her being wronged even when she's just being paranoid. She does make our relationship hard..we are hoping to move far away from her within the next two years. There is just too much too say about her behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs. I try to be friendly with her but I end up with my feelings hurt because she says really rude things and comes up with such odd assumptions. I love it when my mil is under involved..it happens occasionally.

My ex’s brother chose his wife and family over is narcissist mother, no contact, and moved to a different state, without saying goodbye. My ex was too weak...it was like she wanted to be the wife...I made her happy and moved away, by myself....so glad to be out of that triangle.

When my husband gets mad at me he puts his mother up to cuss and quarrel. When he tells her to be nice to me, she does. She told him to sleep in another bedroom and that's what he did! 4 years into our marriage I'm filing for divorce soon. They can have each other! MIL trashes me to everyone in our county. She lies to everyone at church and turns people against me. Why do people believe these pathological liars?

I needed to hear all of this. Thankyou! I've been with a wonderful woman now for 6 years and just popped the big question, she said yes ♡. We have a small wedding planned that (like most) involves a family dinner. We're inviting 24 people, 12 from each side, with high hopes that we can simply have a nice dinner and a good turn out so that we can enjoy seeing our familys congregate at one table for the first time ever. It's as affordable as can be with out being cheesy or tryhard but most importantly, it would mean the world to us if we could get that picture and put it in a frame! It's all set in stone and all that's left for us is to send out the invitations and show up at the pub we've reserved 25 seats in... The only thing standing in our way now is her mother. She revealed too me in private yesterday (perhaps trying to get me to loose my cool and cave in so she could make a fool of me) that she would rather have a separate party for her side of the family and has already implied that she has many different plans for how we should do this to make it "easier on them" and many other random buzzword excuses following. One plan she revealed was that she plans to reschedule a completely different party for her side of the family and will contact them herself when scheduling and basically with that being said, is willing to sabotage our vision for her own. Nomatter what this monster-in-law says or does. We wont be changing our plans and won't cave in/react with anger. We plan to tell her one final time that she is invited too the one event we plan on having and if she chooses not to go, thats a shame for her. After all we are paying for this ourselves! Silly in-laws and their funny little slip ups eh?

Thank you for this clip, it's very informative. I was feeling down after a thing that happened two days ago and it's one of several ones of such kind. I didn't know how to describe the situation to my spouse but it didn't feel right as my mother-in-law implemented a control message onto us. She doesn't realize no-one asked her for help.

My ex fiance his mom hated me thank God I never married him

Yes Dr. Grande!! She would always behave as though my children and I did not belong (I never thought she would do that to my children - her own grandchildren, but she did). After the birth and devastating passing of my first son, she sent a letter out to EVERYONE w/o my prior knowledge, saying I had a “miscarriage”. TO THIS DAY I am called “overly sensitive” for being very hurt and upset about that. I tried so hard and came into it with high hopes. I learned very quickly that a healthy relationship with her would just not be possible. The thing that ended up “working” for me was to literally just ignore all her backhanded comments and attempts to gain a reaction from me. She would “turn up the heat” so to speak, trying harder to get that reaction, but I just had to continue to ignore everything and just go along with whatever she wanted to do with her son and *their* family.

Great video! Thank you so much for your work. I have been with my husband for 20 years. My children and I were instantly pushed away and not good enough for her son, my husband, from the start. The first thing I remember that she told my husband after an early argument between us was that I was only after him for his money. The irony there was that she didn’t know that me and her son made within $5000 of each other when we first met and he had no savings. 20 years later, currently, due to a surgery gone wrong, I am now wheelchair bound. My husband guilted her into coming to see us and she made out as though it was her idea to come and help! Once here, she just had my husband wait on her hand and foot. Since the 11 surgeries that I went through in 2021, almost 1 surgery a month, I became so anxious and nervous about that I started smoking again. So, once here to “help” me and my husband, once they were alone together, she would say things like, “I am concerned about her smoking.” It bothered me a great deal and now, thanks to your video, Dr. Grande, what she was trying to do there. So, she has gone from direct tactics to my husband about me, to indirect. Her “concern of my smoking” was really a tactic and an indirect attack on my inadequacies. And to put a gem of doubt towards my husband about me. She didn’t get the response she wanted from my husband. He told her that after all he has seen me go through, he said “I say, let her smoke if it helps her get through this.” So, once going home, our birthdays were coming up. She acknowledged my husband’s birthday but not mine. The silent attack that you spoke of, Dr. Grande. And I do have a tendency to say, What am I doing wrong? Why am I not good enough. But thanks to your videos, I know that it is her insecurities and that she has not accepted me as she tells my husband. She has just become more sneaky about how she presents her disapproval of me to my husband! Thanks again, Dr. Grande, for helping to empower us!

If the mother in law complains about the daughter´s in law wedding ring, comparing her to herself "that she didn´t have the same ring herself"; coulld that be a red flag of a covert narcissistic mother in law?

Underinvolvement souds great! Ahahah!

I had one. It was very heartbreaking. I loved her and she was very mean and selfish and truly discarded myself and daughter

I am a MIL to a narcessistic SIL, I always stay out of my daughters marraige. Its hard dealing with her husbands grumpy power struggles. I babysit when I can and cook or go out for special mommy/ daughter dinners once a month. That how I choose to keep in touch becsuse his moody days and silent treatments are too much to just sit and ignore! The MIL is NOT always the distructor.🌷

You TOTALLY nailed it... It is almost exactly what I am going through...

This video was interesting in that you discussed the most common types of narcisstic behaviours that a mother-in-law may engage in towards her daughter-in-law covering both grandiose and vulnerable narcissism. My mother-in-law would almost certainly have Vulnerable Narcissism only and doesn't quite engage in fully in these behaviours except underinvolvement. She did however engage in a lot of manipulation to create discord and disharmony in our relationship. The first time we met she was screaming at her son to make her cups of tea and taking him outside for 15 minute chats every 10 minutes until I left. She used to greet me by scowling and not talk to me at all and then complain about my not going around there to her son once I stopped visiting. She used to ring him and demand he come home every time we were out together because she needed urgent help with her PC. I found out later my partner had not been allowed friends, to obtain paid work or to go out with others to places like restuarants as she would be extremely jealous and attack him for it. The first time she was nice to me was when I fell pregnant but then she started complaining she was not being included in my pregnancy. She hasn't worked in 20 years and lived off the money she would make her children give her. If they didn't do something to her expectations she would berate and abuse them verbally. When I was due to give birth she asked her son for money but didn't ask anything about me or the pregnancy. And she used to always ask her son why he's with me/she hates me and accuse him of betraying/not loving her because he was siding with myself in an imaginary power struggle that she created. It's so toxic that she's currently cut off. It was toxic for my mental health, and I worry about the effect her behaviours may have on our children if she had any real future involvement which my partner cannot rule out. After all, she is his mother. I think vulnerable narcisstic behaviours can be toxic and insidious and not always be as obvious in the way grandiose narcissistic behaviours are. I also think some of the mental health harm comes from not being in full control of whether or not this person is in your life. This is obviously a anecdotal story, not a researched opinion. But I love that you're raising awareness of the behaviours that can arise and the harm that can occur when the in-law relationship isn't healthy.

Dr Grande I have a video request to make. Can you make a video on the meaning of life? specifically the areas in which meaning is commonly to be found (eg work, religion etc) from the psychological literature, and perhaps your own experience as a counsellor. I think that would an interesting topic. Great video as usual, liked.

Very helpful information. Thank you.

My MML has professionally framed blown up glamour shots of herself all over her house. Pictures of herself are the only pictures or artwork she has on display in her home. That was my first clue. She was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive to all of her children. The scars run deep in all of the siblings. She's a peach all right. Thankfully my husband is a wonderful man with his head on straight. The rules for seeing his mother are as follows: Short visits at her home only, never our home. We never spend time alone with her without each other nor do we have private conversation with her in person or by phone, we always speak to her together to protect and support each other. We don't allow her to be alone with our children. Ever. When she stirs the pot and causes trouble, we discuss it and support each other. We don't visit for long periods after she has behaved badly, we need space and time to heal. We also stay in close contact with all of my husband's siblings and spouses to support each other, particularly when my MML has said hurtful things or caused tension between partners. It's a work in progress but with family support and good communication it's much easier to deal with her. It's almost like we've compartmentalized her. It's the only way to have a safe relationship with her.