I was married to a vindictive narcissist for 36 years. It took me a long time to realize what he was, I just knew how miserable I was. I’ve been divorced for 2 years and I feel released from a prison.

All narcissists can be boiled down to one factor: they will pull whatever shit they think they can get away with, and only grow bolder with apathy.

The best thing you can do when encountering a narcissist is to ignore them and get away from them

"it's about dragging other people down into that misery they experience... they are going to destroy themselves in order to destroy you"

Some examples of vindictiveness include witholding time, resources, patience, refusal to help, the feeling that they are entitled to railroad the rights of others, disregard for family members feelings and selfishness.

These people are dangerous to the extent of even murder.

Husband of 16 years is a vindictive narcissist. It started out slowly. Love bombed into marriage. First I called him out, stood my ground, but he just never quit. I started "picking my battles". Mistake, he interpreted this as acquiescence. I started traveling more and more for my work to get away from him. I had no idea, what he was. Thought it was just low self esteem. He hated my success. Can't for the life of me figure out why he would have latched on to me. I'm usually strong and independent. Finally, I started googling some of his behavior and it all fell into place. I was dealing with a covert/vindictive narcissist. Gave him an ultimatum to get help. You can imagine how well that was received. He started in on a 9 month silent treatment and little petty acts of punishment. All the while, I was planning my escape. I'm gone now, but still have to face the ordeal of a divorce from this nasty petty vindictive little person. Healing and working up a head steam. Thanks for these clear videos. Part of my recovery process.

Boy, if ever I could pick a therapist; you'd be the guy. Besides being knowledgeable, your one of the most non judgemental person I've ever heard of.

I lived with a vindictive narcissist. Document the pattern to allow you to understand the vindictive behavior. For example, accidentally breaking your belongings, staged accidents, staged arguments, passive aggressive behavior, intentionally wreaking your car, hiding your items and later returning (or not). Eventually, you and others recognize the vindictive pattern. Can you talk about the social ineffectiveness (i.e., jobs; working) of the vindictive narcissist? The vindictive narcissist I know, never learn from mistakes. They repeat the same maladaptive behavioral loop with same self-sabotaging social outcome.

Finally after 56 years with narc parents, who never liked me, I made the call and said I can’t visit anymore. She went off the rails,but when I said I was afraid my father would kill me, crickets. Bye bye f@#$& narc trauma, I survived and am an amazing person now. Jesus has saved me!

Xnarc is covert when sober, grandiose when drunk, and vindictive because I have gone no contact. It's very exhausting.

Signs: (watch vid for proper context) 1 Dominance (control) 2 Power (they should not have it!) 3 Manipulation (they’re not good at it) 4 Revenge (d/t criticism insult advice) 5 Sloppy (due to: rage) 6 Rumination (plot is gradual d/t intolerable insult) 7 Revenge plot (a time of time invested to this end regardless of the outcome) 8 Emotional deregulation (will get back at you) 9 Victimhood (they believe they are setting things right - entitlement) 10 Attempts ++++ (b/c they don’t know when to walk away, or let it be) Excellent vid!

There is no other youtuber I can trust as it comes to narcissism ... I can see they lack credibility, objectivity and see this construct in a hollywood-dramatic way. I’m glad you exist, thank you!

Wow... I remember my ex saying he would damage someone’s stuff because he felt insulted. This was my life. Now alone but at peace.... smiling more and feeling like the world just opened it’s doors to me. Thank you doctor. 😊

I have a daughter 37 years old that is a Narcissist and it's heartbreaking.

I used to be friends with this one woman. I started to recognize the gas lighting. She would complain about having to drop out of school and quit her job because she didn't have childcare and couldn't afford a sitter. I felt sympathy for her and offered to watch her children so she wouldn't have to quit trying to change her life for the better. Or so I thought. One morning she showed up at 7am and I was surprised, an hour earlier than usual. I asked her why she was so early and she said with a straight face "I always come at this time". Other times she would claim she was working late at the police station because there were so many accidents on those days. I had called the office and they were closed. I called the next day to inquire about extended hours and they said they don't stay past closing. I was watching her kids up to 13 hours a day, 8 to 10 days in a row for 10$ a day. She would come home from school and work and not even come to get her kids. I took her baby for a walk and saw she was home and thought oh she's coming any minute.... Not so. Ignored calls, etc. I can go on. There's plenty more to her. When I tried to talk to her about these issues, she suddenly turned on me, and one by one our friends started hating me. She has even gone after my children, one of them being special needs. She's tried to have me evicted, and has gone as far as filing false claims to children's aid society. Her flying monkeys utter threats, and participate in a huge smear campaign against me. For three years my family has been subjected to this. Still to this day. Her and her cohorts against me and my children. Making life at our home unbearable. Vandalism, harassment, death threats, assault threats, etc. Now I want to take things to a physical level. Yet I'm not a narc. I'm an abuse survivor. I'm defensive of myself and my family.

"They are careful about seeking revenge against superiors" (3:23). This is because they know that this might jeopardize their ability to keep their charade against others going.

I’m the scapegoat in my family and I have long suspected the flying monkeys of the ringleader narcs are afraid of them. I’m the only one in the family who has really had the courage and strength to stand up to them. Recently their abuse put me in the ER with systolic blood pressure around 200. I was in a hypertensive crisis and in serious trouble. In the process of ending contact with all of them permanently. It has become a matter of life & death. Good video, Dr. Grande.

Yes, the rumination. I could literally see my husband doing this. Often in the garden, quietly going about his work of planting etc. I would see him busy and quiet, thinking, thinking, thinking - and later on find things that he deliberately damaged - my things - over and over and over again, and they were obviously damaged by someone, but I would never ever actually see him do the damage - it was all done quietly and secretly and scarily. But no one else could have done it and I was always shocked to see what he was willing to do and when I opened the washing machine one day - there he had broken/busted the strong plastic agitater, like pieces were cut out of it in shapes, and that was the final straw for me along with the bad temper to me in endless roundabout argumentative stressful conversations. It was like he was planning all the time what to do to me through my things.

Have been married to narcissist for 30 yrs. Tried to figure out what was wrong with him. Had luck one day listening to you. Bingo, the light went on. That's him. So glad I flnally knew whsy I was fighting. Thank you for all your knowledge. I keep in touch with you each day. I am selling house and getting away. I don't talk to him, just stay in my room mostly. No contact...important.

Narcs die with their lies and deceptions.. Thank you Dr. Grande, your articles are very helpful and relevant..

I have learnd so much about narcissism from you, and it have really turnde my life around. Now I understand why I suffered so badly during my childhood and still are. My father was malignant and my mother covert. I can’t change the past but it helps to understand and I can finally (at age 49) strart my healing process. All my thanks to you❣️

This video is spot-on. I was married to a narcissist who is also paranoid to the nth degree. A nasty combination! We have been divorced for 8 years and the scorched-earth policy of hers continues unabated. She is quite prepared to destroy herself in order to hurt me.

It's breathtaking watching them self-destruct just for a moment's revenge!

When you encounter a narcissist, run like the wind as far away from them as possible. Do not get involved with them on any level. Never engage with a narcissist. Avoid them at all costs. If you discover that your boss is one, find another job. If you find that your significant relationship is narcissistic, split from them immediately, without discussion. No contact.

SO glad to figure out why I was miserable for YEARS in my last job. I always did my best to look good for the practice and take great care of my patients. But my boss would be all friendly, then write me up for everything, all vindictive and small. She micromanaged and undermined and gaslighted me and tried to isolate me from other professionals... until I thought I was horrible at my job... I stopped trying to talk with her... there was NO talking it out... I was walking around terrified, because she was in a power position and all her superiors were completely unaware of this malicious side of her and would never believe my word over hers. (Employees of course equally terrified and could not talk.) HR was genuinely shocked at some of the things I finally told them when I quit, and asked why I hadn't said anything before. Really?? One final tempest in a teapot and I finally quit. Best decision of my life, and my colleagues and a ton of my patients have bombarded the office with questions about where I went and how they can contact me. That has really touched me... and I hope it burns her, too. Happy old me is back!

This is probably the most accurate description of what I have had to go through since I divorced my now ex wife. I watched her 2000 vindictive things to other women that had crossed her during the course of our 20 year marriage. Since I divorced her she has tried to destroy my reputation in town, she has call the police at least once a month. She is accused me of murder, money laundering, drug dealing, and child molestation, as recently as LAST WEEK on my 50th birthday. I must have the biggest investigation file of anybody in Florida.

I have been a victim of narcissists and I feel very vengeful and as a result of the trauma ruminate a lot but I am no narcissist 🥴.

The most helpful presentation on the vindictive narcissist I've seen to date. They will pursue vindication regardless of self destruction. It's pitiful to experience. Thank you so much Dr Grande for an EXCELLENT presentation, I look forward to your future work.

To any one reading this, I would like to say from my own experience, if you are friends with one of these people or you are dating one of these people, dump them and move on with your life. The pain they cause you is not worth it and they will not change. God Bless anyone on here that has had to endure the pain, from a narcissist . To mothers and fathers who endured the pain, my heart breaks for you. I walked in your shoes but will never allow it again. It is very very hard, to except that the child you gave birth to is so ill, and its just as hard to except all the broken hearts they gave you and did not care at all that they broke your heart. Its hard knowing you gave birth to a beautiful baby, and one day the only way you can survive is to totally let them go. God Bless any one in those shoes.

most politicians and bankers are suffering this decease.

The Narcissist is the one Preying on others... so they would be Initiating the Insult or Offense. Revenge is a Reaction to an Offense but the Offense could be a reaction to the Narcissist's behaviour...

It often takes a good deal of time to recognize I have been HAD, again, by a narcissist. THEN I dump and run. I was brought up by two narcissists. It takes me time to recognize all their various forms. I am so used to them I don’t even recognize them. It’s been a lifelong struggle. I love learning from these podcasts.

Best authority on different kinds of narcissism I’ve heard on KZfaq. I always knew when my ex narc would be prowling for new supply... right after I stood up to him.

How often would we see this pattern in domestic abusers who insist on controlling their partner/family and become violent when resisted?

This is so true with my family member. Sometimes I forget how horrible it felt to be on the receiving end of this. I am 34 and still trying to get myself together because I’ve been manipulated to believe that I can’t survive on my own. I’m beginning to realize I’ve held myself back because I’ve believed that I was incompetent & cannot succeed past a certain point. I’ve “dimmed my light” so to speak, in order to avoid making this particular person feel insecure or to not trigger jealousy. Ugh 😣 it’s hard to admit this, luckily I’m in therapy & I’m gonna get out of this situation as soon as I can.

Sadly, my one daughter (38), my one sister (80), and my ex and his wife all grouped against me and not allowing me to see my grandchildren. I have NO-ONE, I AM 63 AND AND SO HURT it is unbearable. I have been nothing but GOOD to these people.

Hmmm....explains a majority of society behavior these days..

A great deal of the stress of being, or having been, in the sphere of a narcissist is their thoroughly baffling motivations and actions. These people truly think in a completely different way. There’s such a great need for credible information on this topic. Please consider providing more narcissism videos.

my mother .. she’ll never stop 🤦‍♀️ great segment 👍

My mother is a diagnosed narc, a high level one. She's always been very vengeful. Dad, also a narc, is too but she is much worse. She beat me up mentally and physically when I was in high school and I escaped..went to school and told a teacher. She took action. I'd taken a Diaries course and they already saw abuse in my diary entries. I was taken out of our home for my safety and lived elsewhere until college. I was thriving in college which really bothered my mom. She blamed me endlessly for her being busted for abuse (the authorities knew better) so in my Sophomore year she made dad stop paying for my school. I was left homeless and couldn't afford school anymore (it was an expensive private college). She laughed and told me I wasn't welcome home because she wanted privacy with my dad. He was too weak to stand up to her. I lived on friends' couches, scrambled to get a crappy old car and work multiple jobs, with no furniture once I got a cheap place of my own. She couldn't care less. I struggled and worked hard at menial jobs while building my freelance art business. My parents made fun of me and mocked me. I got free therapy from clinics because I also battled/battle C-PTSD as I tried to figure it all out. She hated everything about me, mocking and attacking me for anything, refusing to let me do laundry at their house, etc. I was conscientious and not trouble to them but she hated me anyways. She hated my boyfriends, any achievements, my looks, you name it. She stole my things (awards I won, anything she liked), belittled and talked crap about me to her surrogate "daughter", a coworker flying monkey who hung on every word she said. I kept my head down and worked hard, fueled by her wanting me to fail. In time, my knowledge and business grew. To my surprise I grew stronger and people liked my art. My success made both parents hate me. I kept at it. It's about making money and being free from them. I lived/live in fear of being broke and at anyone's mercy. Now I'm 57. My business thrives online and I am ok. My parents are old, angry and only contact me to pretend to be friendly to keep supply for a rainy day. I stopped calling and visiting two years ago after they cruelly attacked me and compared me as a "loser" to their rich friends's grown "do nothing" narcissistically inclined average kids (loved and educated because their parents cared). Whatever. They wanted to destroy and get back at me for not being controllable. Nope. My business thrives and she can't sabotage me anymore. I am at peace. They aren't. Never will be. Always desperate for supply. I'm an introvert and love my peace and solitude. I win.

Fantastic analysis. It is too simple to say someone is narcissistic there are too many types and as you say these things are on a continuum and also swing back and forth between covert and overt. I also like the clarity given between machiavellianism and narcissism. The devil is in the detail and that is why I always learn something from your videos and that is why I try and watch as many as I can.

Thank you, I left a work environment I was sharing with someone who met this criteria and it took me about 2 years to trust people in the work place again. Not only me but his, at the time ‘flying monkeys’, had him turn on them also once I left. Basically if you did well and achieved or had something he was jealous about you would get anonymous cowardice letter or emails sent to superiors or even the police to get you into trouble. I had to go to counselling for a couple of years to help me recover and realise the world isn’t such a bad place. Thank you for defining this person here, you don’t realise how much closure this has given me.

"Yeah, well, if you don't let me use your car, you'll never see your grandkids again!" "Yeah, um...can you watch the kids tomorrow?"

Thank you for this teaching on how NPD can manifest along the spectrum. So many fascinating points came up in this video. You mentioned how a Vindictive Narcissist interacts with more Malignant Narcissists. Narcissist vs. Narcissist is a topic in and of itself. The childishness in their chosen methods of revenge is also an intriguing topic. Absolutely amazing, Dr. Grande. Bravo 👏

The ten sign posts are: 2:09. Dominance 2:57 power 3:50. Manipulation 5:04 Revenge 6:10. Sloppy 7:39. Rumination 8:12. Revenge plot 9:29. Emotional deregulation 10:25. Victim hood 11:22 Attempts with another vindictive narcissist

Thank you so very much Dr Grande. I missed you since I’ve been working a temp job, but this is exactly, identically an experience I had with a female coworker! For 3 months she caused utter brain chaos and I didn’t know how to communicate with her. Nothing worked. I gave notice and when she found out she said to me ‘you might not like me, but the entire world loves me’. I never once said I didn’t like her, but anytime I was praised for something I did well by a superior, this woman would attack me viciously. I seriously started to wonder if I was losing my mind and acting improperly and questioned myself deeply. I’m so grateful to you. Your timing has saved me weeks or possibly more of wondering and worrying! 😘

I’m currently nearing the end of a relationship with a vindictive narcissist. I really love him and I believe he loves me but he’s just too damaged to participate in a relationship. He doesn’t want to break up with me but he also refuses to speak to me which doesn’t make any sense. When I tell him I feel like he hates me he says that he doesn’t. Regardless, knowing that his behavior has nothing to do with me is really freeing and I can take responsibility for my issues on being attracted to such a frustrating personality.

All I want to do is get away from this type of people.This describes my sister to a T. I try my best not to have any contact with her.

Thanks for this one! I can see this pattern now in my ex. I couldn’t understand why she used to come home from work in tears because someone ( a customer) gave her a hard time at the checkout. I now realise she couldn’t take any criticism whatsoever! I’ve also been on the receiving end of her rage ,when she perceived I was somehow putting her down, when I wasn’t at all. 😬😣

I think this video is the single most important thing I've ever watched. You've explained vendictive narcissism so succinctly that I can see now why every attempt at reason I've made in my own situation has utterly failed. I'm going to stop trying now. Thank you for all the knowledge you've imparted here. Your videos are an excellent educational resource.

Thanks for addressing this type of narcissism. I was literally taking notes. These types definitely don't learn from their immature behaviour and are poisonous to relationships. When confronted by someone coolly and calmly they are typically caught off guard but they'll deflect and gas light despite it being obvious they're avoiding the issue of accountability or owning negative behaviours. I recognise a few individuals who, due to a past tendency - decades ago, thankfully! - to 'people-please' as a result of narcissistic parents, I let into my life as so-called "friends" and did I ever regret this! Vindicative narcissists use others and will seek people out who they admire and who are willing to be their 24/7 unpaid personal 'counsellors' whilst actively resenting the fact the other individual has, as they view it, 'the power' to be in such a position. It's ridiculous and emotionally so very immature. Also, you're right - they don't learn from past mistakes, errors in judgment, or relationship issues. They dwell on what they feel others have done to injure them in some way or another and become preoccupied with revenge even at their own expense. And they continue to repeat the same errors and resent even a very tactful explanation of such negative habits. Frankly, if these vindictive narcissists can be avoided or confronted and the relationships ended (by the non-narcissist), it makes for a much easier and happier life.

I wish I would've found out this information decades ago. My father is a narcissist, I don't know what type exactly. He was also an undiagnosed bi-polar until I was 22. I ended up marrying a VN, vindictive type, and your video is so spot on, its eerie. I walk on eggshells constantly, it is very stressful. I find it almost funny-but not, how people say "just leave" without any clue about what exactly that entails. Thank you for your videos, I'm learning so much.

I was a shift leader in a call center and I took on other duties as well. One morning, a female coworker smiled at me and a 30 year old brat threw an obnoxious temper tantrum over not getting all of the attention. I didn't feel it was my job to take it or customers place to hear it so I reported it to my supervisor. She accused me of judging and told me to leave him alone. I said nothing to him. I went to another supervisor about his behavior and when mine got word, she came in early just to harass me with extreme hatred about it putting words in my mouth making an all out show of her favoritism. She wouldn't allow me to say anything. It was so stressful, I was shaking. A week later, she fired me for mentioning him. When I reported the harassment to HR, they said they would look into it and get back to me. Crickets. Deafening silence. It was behind closed doors so she lied her way out of it. I learned later, he got my job as lead but was fired shortly after. Another employee reported his attitude and she had to save face. I did (as it was my job) and I was a criminal.

Being disagreeable I've found tends to be the very first flag that presents with almost all narcisisstic people, arguing about EVERYTHING for the sake of pointless argument. A few of them know how to hide this well and can seem to agree with everything and they mimic your thought process about everything but they are quite often the most vindictive of all in a very covert way.

The saying “when you seek revenge, dig two graves” is accurate.

Lack of insight.. oh boy! Ain't that the truth!! Zero accountability... well, why would they need any?? It's all clearly their nemesis' fault!! Passive resistance, passive ineffectiveness, especially in regards to something their bothersome scapegoat considers important or holds dear!! Elated, that their bothersome scapegoat is beginning to have a normal reaction of frustration & anger, in regards to the abnormal situation the scapegoat find themselves in.. RINSE & REPEAT...... THANK YOU Dr Grande! I adore your work & dedication! Organising my new house & paying forward old belongings & buying new ,, has kept me from your voice of reason & soothing presentations, I've still not caught up on some of your recent vlogs.. time to catch up while soaking in the bath 😂😂😂😂😂

This video describes my previous relationship so well. Was with my ex for 9 months and for 7 of those months, we constantly fought over his obsession with my roommate not saying hello to him the first month in our relationship. He only came over a handful of times the first 2 months. Our final argument was him trying to convince me for 5 hours on what I can do and say to my roommate to give “give them a taste of their own medicine” and stop being friends with them to save our relationship. An international trip to meet his family and a trip to Vegas with mine, we argued about my roommate and other things, I was given the silent treatment many times. My roommate had no clue, they were just existing and trying to survive school. Even when I brought it up to my roommate later in my relationship, my roommate apologized and worked on making it better. My ex was still upset because i didn’t do it the right way and I should’ve made my roommate feel bad and disrespected just as he felt the entire relationship. In his words, “I chose my roommate over my boyfriend” but I chose not to be controlled, take “revenge” and be mean on his behalf.

Wow. You've described a few dangerous members of my family. Thank you for the clarification.

Thank you I'm No Contact and never have to explain or deal with any of their toxicity!! I love myself and I'm very Happy and Healthy! Narc free is the way to go, my friends!! 😄 Love to everyone!!

Another topic that would be extremely beneficial would be “How to deal with narcissists in business negotiations when they have clear leverage” and you can’t avoid it For example, do you stroke their ego to achieve your goal in the meeting? do you ignore their narcissistic and egocentric remarks? do you simply withdraw completely? I ask because there seems to be an over representation of narcissists in the entrepreneurial social realm.

So accurate in describing my mother. WOW. She is unrelenting and now suing me. You are so right, years of intermittent abuse and I would always look past her flaws and forgive or avoid her periodically. But once it got unrelenting I had no choice but to cut her out of my life. This is her exactly. Lord help me.

Thank you 🙏 for another brilliant analysis of narcissism and thank you 🙏 for explaining a concept I hadn’t heard of before, Vindictive Narcissism. The penny has just dropped for me in what type of narcissism my sister suffers from. I’d always thought of her as a Covert narcissist up to this point and from what you have described, she is. But I now realise where her capacity for vindictiveness comes from and how she is able to turn on anyone whom she cannot control. Her capacity for revenge is like a bottomless pit. Once crossed she switches into revenge mode and no amount of reasoning works. In my experience reasoning fuels her resolve to maintain herself as the victim which is an odd situation to be in. Her favourite method of revenge is to use the silent treatment whilst at the same time getting her flying monkeys to either attack you or also use silent treatment. I’ve often said that being around my sister feels like being bullied by the school bully. I’ve decided that the silent treatment is not a strong enough description to describe this type of punishment towards me because it goes on for too long. She hasn’t spoken to me for over 5 years, which is a long time for silent treatment. Interestingly one of my late aunties used to do the same, in fact the longest period that she didn’t speak to her only son was for 22 years. It’s incredible isn’t it? My late mother used the same punishment as her weapon of choice. My late father had BPD and couldn’t tolerate the silent treatment and so even though he could be violent and controlling towards her, I noticed it was she who had the ultimate control over him. And me - I got the hell out dodge at the age of 18 and didn’t look back. I’m 57 years old now and after decades of healing from my once significant Codependency and Anxiety, I lead a full and healthy life away from my family of origin. I find these videos to be fascinating. I only wish I’d been able to have access to them in my younger years. It would have helped me enormously. Another excellent video 🙏👏👏👏🙏

Flying Monkeys: My encounter with the covert narcissist they had six other people convinced I had done something to abuse them. There is a lingering feature after encountering these people. It is like a kind of stain that somehow I took on some of their darkness. I was able to recover from what they did however it has left another lingering issue. How will I ever trust again ...

I’ve seen this among alcoholics.

My narcissist ex husband would would “ ruminate” constantly one issue from 12 yrs ago example I would get punished for 100s of times

I refuse to be a flying monkey. I refuse to be dragged down to their misery. No matter how much one tries to lift them up, they seem to be comfortable in their misery. Glad you put out this video. Thank you.

Lawyer behaving badly: I worked for an attorney with a medium size law firm who was a childish monster to work with. He would ease drop and then do mean things. He heard me advising a coworker to use the program MAVIS BEACON TEACHES TYPING. My coworker wanted to improve her skills and I told her how much I had enjoyed using this typing program. That night he had his IT department come in and install the MAVIS B. program on every computer and in every department regardless of their job - except for my computer. It was time for me to get a raise as per my contract and he called a jealous coworker into the office and stated “I never liked you”. He got together with another attorney and stated that I was rude on the phone so that I could not get unemployment. (I am kind and helpful and he even had my voice and intro on his automated law firm phone system for about a year after I left. I was told by a prospective employer that he spoke in a very derogatory manner with regards to me. He constantly screamed and bullied me in front of others. I still occasionally have nightmares that I am working in his office.

It sounds as if there no successful way to deal with them. Sounds depressing Dr!

Hi Dr. Todd! You do great work and I respect your dedication to KZfaq and helping people! I hope one day I have the chance to do a video with you as I would love to chat!

Thank you, again, Dr. Grande. Your continual hard work and efforts has and will help so many people.

Watching these videos, my supervisor was a vindictive narcissist. I realize I am a vulnerable narcissist, and our boss was a Machiavellianistic. Our President, he could have been a psychiatrist, I’m now realizing, kept everyone in check. He protected me against them so I could have a job, which was important to me as a single mother. They hated this, people actually told me they were jealous of that. The HR lady even wrote that in a note to me. When he died, all hell broke loose. I took a few vacation days, and someone told me ‘Machiavelli’ was walking around saying he was going to fire me. I didn’t know why. I tried so hard on that job, and no one was ever happy.

I wonder how many grownup people are really narcissistic personalities because a lot of people are simply immature enough to just be selfish or egocentric. And most are just a product of an individualism ideology.

You have shone a brilliant light on vindictive narcissism

Thank you again, so very much, Dr. Grande! As always, balanced, accurate, and absolutely reliable information. I just keep referring others to your amazing and knowledgeable channel.

A very insightful account of the vindictive narcissist. And the difficulties in dealing with one! Thank you Dr G.

Dr Todd, I'm so deeply grateful for your videos and the invaluable content and time you are gifting us 💙 I was raised in a home with a dad who's either a narcissist or has strong narcissistic qualities and traits (you've taught me that I don't have the right to label or diagnose anyone with a personality disorder, especially if I'm unqualified or the person hasn't been professionally assessed), and my mum was the codependent who had a lot of suppressed rage and took it out on myself and my siblings... I often find myself confused as an adult when I'm in situations where my childhood narcissistic abuse wounds are triggered - because I notice that some learnt behaviors arise when I'm feeling hurt, attacked, afraid and unsafe... For years I have been conflict avoidant and my "go to" survival reaction is "freeze mode"... I've always been the one to back down and let things go to keep the peace... And as I've gotten older and wiser, I now understand that this tactic only teaches people that the inappropriate behaviors are ok to continue towards me... So this year I've decided to speak up for myself and tell people how their behavior has made me feel and set a boundary by saying that the behavior is not ok... But what I'm now experiencing with some people through this approach is finding myself in the back and forth situation where instead of feeling heard and respected, the person will come back with a very manipulative response basically implying the conflict is entirely my fault... And I realised after listening to this video that I'm being pulled into the game by responding (and attempting various ways of clear communication) to feel heard and validated because I want my boundary of "your behavior was not ok and made me feel unsafe and in the future I need you to a, b, c, etc.,"... And my feelings of anger and frustration increase... To the point where I'm now wondering if I'm actually a covert narcissist and have been in denial of this? Or if this situation is showing me that I need to do some more inner healing work on my own trauma wounds from childhood to both heal the triggers and need to be validated by a person who I feel is being abusive towards me and learn how to detach, have more awareness when I'm being pulled into a dynamic like this, take responsibility for my triggers and learn how to respond to abuse in a way that is empowering and mature? I'm really concerned and worried about the possibility of myself being a covert narcissist because I know the pain and trauma of being on the receiving end, as well as the intensive hard work of healing, and I would be devastated if I was treating others in a harmful way and having this impact on people! How do I know if I am a covert narcissist, and if I am, what do I need to do to heal and change? 💙 Thank you 💙

As always this was incredible helpful, thank you so much Dr. Grande. You described my cousin word for word; she was childish, always the victim (even though she sexually abused me), couldn’t tolerate any amount of criticism even when approached very politely, set double standards and excused her bullying behaviour as being necessary because I “haven’t had as tough of a life” and needed “to learn”. There was never any way to rationalize with her or have a civil disagreement, and eventually she ‘snapped.’ So glad she is no longer in my life, and that I now have the knowledge and am gaining the tools to protect myself and my daughter from those kind of toxic behaviours. Thank you again and take care 🙏

I respectfully disagree to an extent. I feel that many individuals who have been victims of others that show traits of narcissism simply want to be free from them and are incredibly fearful of what can happen to others if that person isn’t held to some account. Especially if they are in charge of others’ lives that are vulnerable and are still actively doing those same things. I am sure some cases are like this but most people that I have met that have been victimized in any way mostly tend to obsess and ruminate over that NOT vengeance. It’s just telling others everything can then put them at risk as well. Just a point of view, I’m sure it’s not like that always. Thank you for your videos, I look forward to them always because the topics you discuss are very interesting and the resources you provide are helpful. Best wishes to everyone.

Your videos are always to the point, well articulated & helpful. Thank you for sharing your knowledge. 🙏

Thanks again for your insights, Dr Grande. There seem to be so many strains to NPD that for the layperson it can be difficult to make a proper assessment of who they might be dealing with. These people are certainly damaged and have the ability to inflict damage on others.

You're a great teacher! Iama also glad I found your site.

I love these clinical videos!!! Dr. Grande is so smart and so logical and the delivery of these very involved and in-depth concepts is always clear and easy to understand. I am shocked how Dr. Grande can concisely state every aspect of a diagnosis and the results they engender in human relationships. I remain so grateful for Dr. Grande's videos!!!

One of my professors is an insufferable narcissist. He goes through intense mood swings and will become so arrogant. He preys on other people’s insecurities.

Fascinating. I'm going to have to listen to this a few times for it all to sink in.

Thank you, Dr. Grande, for your clear and packed explanations. Very helpful.

Thanks, Dr, Grande, you're my go-to resource for no-nonsense evidence-based insights into human nature.

Hi Todd, a great insight thank you! I had an experience with a partner and quite a few months back, stumbled upon your vulnerable narcissist descriptions which seemed to really fit what I was experiencing from this person. It was all quite confusing, I did talk myself out of the possibility of it because of my feeling for them. Fast forward to now, it stunned me as they seemed to be punishing me emotionally and they broke up with me in a rage. I allowed the breakup to happen and felt somewhat relieved. What was wild was that I think they assumed I would beg for them back and even though they where withholding my belongings for quite some time I remained in my domain. I saw that they used my toothbrush to paint with (this person is a sign writer) and not only did they post the image with the description “toothbrush and ink” but they also took a picture of my toothbrush covered in ink and put it online. I was shocked to see an act of revenge, even though they discarded me! Freaked me out. Wild behaviour and they have no idea that seeing this repelled me further.

Thank You So Very Much For Sharing This Has Enlighten Me A lot About Narcissism...

Thanks, I like your videos. Also, I’m always impressed at the comment section, your viewers seem to be thoughtful people who engage in interesting conversations. I don’t usually see a lot of nasty insults or back and forth...pretty refreshing!

Thanks for breaking this down, Dr. Grande. Now so much easier to understand.

Got everything nail on the head! Thank you for this as I will know how to deal with this person in particular along with mentioning the same to family members 👌🏽

Wow, truckload of gems there, DR G. Cheers!

Brilliant mate, you have nailed it very well 👍 ... hope this helps others

Amazing as always! Every video makes me understand people more.

You were spot on in this evaluation.

Wow! I've been researching to understand the perspective of the N I'm dealing with. And this!, this sent a chill thru me!.... Both horror at the mental state he lives in, and that it will just perpetuate! I feel both sorrow and a growing apathy for him. SUCH a terrible thing for people to deal with, and so few possitive ways to deal with it. ☹️ Thankyou for your videos- ot helps put clarity and comprehension into ones mind where confusion often starts to dominate. And a little clarity is very much appreciated 🤗

Another interesting subject I have never heard of ..many thanks Dr Grande

Thank you so much for sharing this video, and your time and knowledge.

Thank you. This talk was really helpful. I had to back it up a couple of times to make sure I understood the complete idea but it was worth it. There are things I understood somewhat before but didn’t know why certain problems existed like why the person wasn’t learning and maybe didn’t even feel the need to. I feel like I’m on the right track hearing all you have to share on the subject. Unlike some who insist that you get away from the narcissist, you seemed to understand that that is not always possible.