No Empathy = No Intimacy! That's Why You Don't Feel Safe with a Narcissist

No video

No Empathy = No Intimacy! That's Why You Don't Feel Safe with a Narcissist

Рет қаралды 23,236

Dr. Rhoberta Shaler - Help for Toxic Relationships

Жыл бұрын

You look for signs that someone cares. You long for signs they love you, right? So any little glimmer seems hopeful. Yet, you feel alone, demeaned, dismissed, and ignored in so many ways. That's a problem!
HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS EPISODE:
Why empathy is important to intimacy
Why you're not safe when there is no empathy
Why you must notice how you make excuses for the lack of empathy in others
How the desire for closeness with a person is healthy...and, what makes it not.
In this episode, you'll learn more about why you cannot find the emotional intimacy you crave with an empathy-deficient person, a Hijackal who is narcissistic.. And, what you need to know to make good decisions about it, too. p.s. ALL Hijackals are narcissistic!
Hijackal® is my term for people who hijack a relationship for their own needs and purposes, and then relentlessly scavenge that relationship for power, status, and control. Got one in your life? A parent? Partner? Sibling? Adult Child? In-Law? Hijackals feel the need to take as much as they can from you, while giving you as little as is possible to get away with. Familiar? Listen in.
Join this channel to get access to perks:
/ @forrelationshiphelp
* * Remember, narcissists and other toxic people come in all genders and ages * *
and toxic relationships can be at home, at work, at play... with your parent, boss, spouse, sibling, friend, co-worker.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am Dr. Rhoberta Shaler, The Relationship Help Doctor.
Are you in relationship with a Hijackal? That's someone who consistently puts you down, love-bombs and gaslights you, creates confusion and chaos, and causes you to second-guess yourself? I can help you recognize, understand, and make decisions about those kinds of narcissistic behavior…and especially, how to keep yourself (and your children) safe and sane.
No worries about where in the world you live. I work through private, secure video conferencing. So, we can certainly work together to figure a few things out.
CONNECT WITH ME:
Website: www.EmergingEmp...
Podcast: www.SaveYourSan...
EE Community: www.JoinInToday...
Work with Dr. Shaler: www.beaclient.com
Subscribe to Newsletter: www.hijackalhel...
Blog: www.narcissismb...
Facebook: / hijackals
Twitter: @RhobertaShaler
LinkedIn: / rhobertashaler
Instagram: @DrRhobertaShaler
Pinterest: @RhobertaShaler
KZfaq: / forrelationshiphelp
Get my free ebook at www.Hijackals.com
Take my free checklists: www.forrelatio...
Are you looking for relief from the pain, confusion and drama of toxic relationships? I can help.
You can reclaim your personal power. Keep watching my videos on KZfaq to find strategies for changing your relationship dynamics.. When you're ready, let's talk.
You can take advantage of my one-time. new client introductory Consultation here (only $97 for a full hour)
www.BeAClient.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WANT A SAFE PLACE-- off social media--
TO TALK, ASK QUESTIONS, GET EXPERT ANSWERS & SUPPORT?
Join my Emerging Empowered Community, online:
www.JoinInToday...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Explore my eCourses to build your confidence in dealing with narcissistic people.
for-relationsh...
#boundaries #Hijackals #toxicpeople #narcissists #difficultpeople #emotionalabuse #verbalabuse #stoptoleratingabuse #toxicrelationships #manipulation #walkingoneggshells #mentalhealth #emotionalhealth #narcissisticabuse #personalitydisorder
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This content has been created and recorded for the general interest and information of the viewer/listener. Nothing said or implied on this site should be taken, or construed in any way, as legal advice, or personal advice of any kind. It is entirely informational, offering readers, viewers, subscribers, followers, and members educational resources, anecdotes, case studies, and stories.
Optimize Life Now LLC & Rhoberta Shaler, PhD makes no representations about the suitability of the content of this site for any purpose. All content is provided “as is” without any warranty of any kind.

Пікірлер: 112

@LuandaMead Жыл бұрын

That's it!!!! I was in 2 narcissistic marriages and NEVER felt fully safe, therefore, never experienced true intimacy in any way, especially sexually....My body KNEW but I didn't understand mentally.

@LilCaseyCupcake 11 ай бұрын

Same, girl! My poor body feels so much pain from the empty exchanges. Still healing ❤️‍🩹

@user-ds5uj6mj9n 9 ай бұрын

Me to married malignant narc tried to kill me. cheat with loads. Robbed me.

@youtubechanel5514 9 ай бұрын

⁠❤

@peaceofmindofpeace1650 7 ай бұрын

The man I recently dated would turn away from me with his legs when we sat on the couch but after that he kissed me. I saw the micro non-verbal gestures as if he liked me but also rejected me. I still have flashbacks of those small moments and I feel minor.

@imsaltylit3101 7 ай бұрын

Girl.. you just spoke my thoughts.

@debralondon2402 Жыл бұрын

I also have a professional therapist. I’ve learned that ignoring deep hurt in relationships for a long period of time especially by people who should love and protect you most betrays your trust and blames you for what they did to you??? Ignoring it, stuffing it down and just try to forget it and move on never works. It must be addressed and healed to ever be truly manageable to deal with in life. Thank you. You do a great service for the good of humanity.

@user-op7uc6jb9k 11 ай бұрын

My wife has made lack of empathy a sport. I know that I have made mistakes in life and own that, but my wife has a way of turning almost everything that happens to me, my fault. On a scale of 1-10 her empathy is a 4 on a good day. She says I share my feelings too much and that it is annoying. I feel very unsafe in my relationship, and I feel like I am in a chaotic relationship at best.

@MsSimpleMovies 11 ай бұрын

Your post made my breath actually stop. I'm a mother of three boys, and I wouldn't want them married to someone like that. I'm so, so sorry you're married to a woman who isn't kind. Do you have children together?

@TB12DAGOAT 8 ай бұрын

I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with this experience, I just told my fiance today that we need couples counseling and that we need to postpone our wedding. She's shown no signs of empathy towards my feelings and always makes her actions my fault

@barbaraaarns381 7 ай бұрын

There are always 2 sides

@karengodan5205 7 ай бұрын

There are always two sides.When you suffer for a long time from their constant jabs and put downs. When they are always angry at you and people you love are suffering and dying. When you can’t express your emotions without ridicule.There is only one side with these people, theirs. I never felt really bad but I am happier now with peace and freedom. Hang in there and don’t take their mental illness personally.

@SirAndMimms12 3 ай бұрын

My husband sounds like your wife. He doesn’t show any interest in me or what I have going on. He never takes my side in conflict with others. His interest will always be on the other women who stroke his ego and tell him how great he is. His eyes wander every which way BUT towards me. I can tell he’s the kinda guy that leaves his wife once the kids are out of the house. I can’t make him love me the way I want him to. All I can do is trust in God. He’s got something planned for me and I have to have Faith! Take care

@kristy_GT7781 11 ай бұрын

Waaaow....he never asks me things or converses with me anymore. He prides himself on lacking empathy...

@livea3596 5 ай бұрын

😳

@emd5095 11 ай бұрын

This is so scary/overwhelming. My husband and I started marriage counseling, things are starting to be revealed. Black & white thinking for him is really deep seated. I’m really not sure how this works out. It’s been a long painful 23 years. Not sure how much I have left in me…

@tradslnd9872 4 ай бұрын

He’s probably autistic

@Chris-dw7gq Жыл бұрын

Amazing! What about Dark or Pretend Empathy? He observed empathy in me, remarked then starting copying my empathy, it's deplorable. Thanks for all your kindness. You are respected and honored.

@ForRelationshipHelp Жыл бұрын

Thank you! I previously did an episode on Cognitive Empathy. You might find value there: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/Z8CSaMSYuM_QnYk.html And, yes, once you see it, it's deplorable...and sad to recognize.

@gailomeasoo4350 Жыл бұрын

@@ForRelationshipHelpgggggvvvvvvvggvvggggggggvggggggggggggggggggggv

@mtan4789 7 ай бұрын

My ex narc is just as described! He left me suddenly, even when I was with him .. I have never felt very safe being with him. No intimacy at all . He used me, I’m there when he needs me .. when his anxiety attack, I’m angry, frustrated, disappointed… I’m Confused !!! I hate him for doing this to me .. because I trusted him .

@mariajessielocklear8246 Жыл бұрын

How can someone use you for the most beautiful aspect of being human??? I am sickened by the thought of sharing my planet with THEM!

@deb2319 7 ай бұрын

No love no trust. Dont waste time on anyone who doesnt understand you or want to.

@terrapintravels3829 Жыл бұрын

Both my parents were hijackals and a few of my siblings and every partner I've been with including the present one is too. I've experienced all these behaviors and I'm planning an exit when I feel safe to do so. Thank you for this video.

@welcometosemeticpalestine 10 ай бұрын

@@safeeffective385typical narc response 😆

@safeeffective385 10 ай бұрын

@@welcometosemeticpalestine Everybody is a narcissist these days, except for you right? 🤤

@cherripitman6642 9 ай бұрын

I know my husband does not love me. I am a means to an end. He knew he was going to quit his job, keep his retirement income to himself and make me responsible for everything before he married me - he manipulated me into buying a house I could not afford and spending most of my retirement with the promise of him working and paying it back (happily ever after). He uses guilt to manipulate me. For example, he controls me using certain things like the thermostat, but he is very calm, never showing any emotion. He was not like that before we got married. He always wants the thermostat at around 80 degrees regardless of the time of year to make me suffer, I cannot sleep when it is that hot and I have to get up and go to work. I got brave and removed the control after setting it to 74 degrees, so it will stay 74 degrees. He got angry and tried to bully me into putting it back. I refused and he left the house for a bit. When he returned, he brought me coffee, which he rarely does anything nice for me. Now he is dragging a heater around the house. He will turn the TV on and leave the room because he knows it irritates me. In fact two can be on at the same time and he is not watching either of them. He will purposely put his dirty dishes in the sink even though we have a white board with the status of the dishwasher. He doesn't pay for anything, so he uses this to control me. I loved your word proximity. That is my reality. I am forced to support this man or lose my house and everything else I have worked hard for if I were to divorce him. In this economy, I cannot even sell the house and he is entitled to half of everything. I just need to get strong and stop doing and buying anything for him, but he will never leave because he doesn't have to do anything, but I am getting old and worn out from it. I am really trying to disconnect emotionally, which is hard for me because I am someone who takes care of others, but he knew that. He is a major gaslighter. Often saying something and then later denying he ever said it. I did go to counseling for myself and they said I needed to make a decision. He is not on my credit or bank accounts. I figured that piece out pretty quick and removed him. He plays the victim. His first wife cheated on him, the victim. His second wife kicked him out (she was apparently mentally ill), again victim. Fortunately, we have no children together, but I fear I will never be rid of him without giving up on everything I have worked so hard for and he knows it.

@JT0007 3 ай бұрын

Terrible guy. And how are things today? 🫡🇺🇸🇬🇧

@savedbygrace745 Ай бұрын

Oh my goodness!!! I am married to the exact same man as you. I'm at the end of my rope, I cannot leave...it's MY house, I don't know what to do, I feel like the only way out is to just leave this world.

@theideaplace 6 ай бұрын

Yes behavior is the key... they will fool you with everything else... believe your lying eyes... The best way to do this and what I did was make a list of all the rotten things he had done... then when he'd come around acting all nice and sweet... I'd read thru the list and think... "no chance"...never going back to that... it worked every time... We tend to forget with these people because they are so deceptive and have many faces...

@lizhart8768 Жыл бұрын

He wants intimacy but I still don't feel safe.

@ForRelationshipHelp Жыл бұрын

That's so often the case with Hijackals. They can be very demanding about sex without providing any emotional intimacy . That doesn't feel safe for you, for sure.

@lizhart8768 Жыл бұрын

@@ForRelationshipHelp so what do I do in that situation?

@tannd8476 11 ай бұрын

@@lizhart8768RUN!

@jenelslager5218 11 ай бұрын

@@lizhart8768I've just been saying NO. Stay strong.

@agoodgurl2k 11 ай бұрын

@@ForRelationshipHelp yes, it makes me so sad. It took me a while to figure it out. There is something wrong with me...I don't feel safe. I'm heartbroken because I now realize the damage is done and I think there is no turning back.

@kdpunshon3073 Ай бұрын

Dear Dr..I just found your channel and shortly after found you are gone. What a joy that your wise words remain here. I will become your student and you..my cherished teacher. Rest in peace.

@katherinebulnes3883 Жыл бұрын

This was so informative. I guess it’s all in timing. I have experienced panic and anxiety for quite a while and it’s all coming together. Not feeling safe was the thing that really resonated with me. Thanks so much for your honesty and kindness.

@GreenTurtle181 Жыл бұрын

That was so good and so wise. The very real point that you are not safe there. They cannot acknowledge what heartbreaking thing you are going through and then will store it away and weaponise it at a later date. They then userp what you have just told them that they are having it much worse so why would they empathise with something so trivial. It is so lonely.

@susannegoldmann6491 7 ай бұрын

I keep hearing, that is is wrong to want someone in your life. My family was dysfunctional completely. I was the best victim of a lot if narcs. It took me to age 57, where I found myself start over completely new

@helenmcclay2622 9 ай бұрын

I told him I felt safe, then a reverse discard came and silent treatment, hoover afterwards now silence again. He said its his issues. I feel devastated.💔

@susantodd7169 9 ай бұрын

5:12 - WOW! He never loved me. Used for supply. “WHATS IN IT FOR THEM”, u right. That’s all it was about.

@otfinoskiotfinoski8856 Жыл бұрын

i had a 7 year involvement with a vulnerable narcisist. Our ralationship was a boss-maid relationship mixed in with friends with benefits. The oddest thing is over 7 years she never called me by my name, only various nicknames she invented, none of which were flattering. Its very odd.

@helpandbehelped 7 ай бұрын

The nicknames which feel wrong!

@melissaroberts2 Жыл бұрын

It's been almost a year and I'm still feeling the affects of narcissistic abuse. .how long does take to be better. My so called friends say what's wrong with you get over it already. I'm afraid it's has had a lasting affect on me

@lilyjane1011 9 ай бұрын

Well, they are so called Friends. Their low empathy IS not a good thing...for sure. I grew UP with narcissistic mother. It took me years to get rid of many symptoms, liké their inner voice within your Head for example. But it has gone for good. M'y advice to you IS to chose your Friends wisely. If you ever feel uncomfortable in their company or After you've met them, it IS better to let them go.

@teresacondon33333 8 ай бұрын

@melissaroberts2 I have to respond pls don't worry alot of ppl for not experience the intensity of how awful the abuse it and can be I've done alot of healing and seeing my own hurts and taking responsibility for it and I don't think most people I know understand its so hard do not be discouraged we feel u and we care and take ur time not all ppl can understand and that's ok 🤗

@peaceofmindofpeace1650 7 ай бұрын

I feel the same way over only dating a man for 4 months 😢 He was not openly abusive and Idk if he is a narcissist but I did feel very confused and as if I didn't matter. I felt arrogance and some demeaning remarks. Also one time he made a joke that if I was not quiet he would put 'a thing around my mouth' . I said you are joking right? He said no not joking. I asked him 3 tlmes and the 4rd tlmes he said "ofcourse I'm joking ". I asked a coach what to think of that and she said it's my own trigger from the past. She did not confirm that my feelings are legit. She said I made assumptions for him ( bc I told her he woundgo quiet for 3 days after romantic dates). His last text was 7 weeks ago and im still full of it and crying feeling humiliated. Not daily but it comes and goes and im even still hoping he will text or call me and we can talk and reset. It feels like I ruined it.

@samdung5630 7 ай бұрын

Keep listening to videos about narcicisst. You'll find out the effects are extreme and long lasting. People just don't get it. Shoot! I'm suffering from it, and I don't get it.

@lisacarolyn3676 5 ай бұрын

@@peaceofmindofpeace1650 Be happy he's gone & block him! He sounds like a narc!

@amandajohnson-williams7718 3 сағат бұрын

This was terrific content! 👏 👏👏🇬🇧

@lilithjesus7718 Жыл бұрын

Thank you Dr Shaler🙏 for this invaluable resource. Upon listening I identified with several things and experienced my physical body go into resonance, aka rest and digest state of being instead of fight-or-flight. I've been out of contact with my ex for 3 months now, yet struggle daily with the fantasy it will work out. I can't thank you enough for your part in giving me this gift of moment of peace , inner resonance. I'll be listening again! Maybe live! Bless 💙!

@debralondon2402 Жыл бұрын

Thank you for your videos. They have helped me deal with some problems after being a victim of a hijackal narcissist for many years. Therapy truly helps mental healing, one day at a time even if it takes several years to heal from mental usary and trauma. Thank you for the healing videos. 😊

@shiznoes Ай бұрын

I just left the love of my life and I really needed to see this.

@chellefranc Жыл бұрын

Raised by a hijackle…had my 1st child with one …currently married to one…it’s like a grizzly bear that keeps following me…currently in a space where I finally accepted that iris what it is and I am hurting and confused about what to do next…4 children and 6 years in

@LR-yu3mx 6 ай бұрын

I was married to one of those. What I could not understand through the marraige, was his "could not care less" life.

@lindalonsbury5362 Жыл бұрын

Sorry I missed the live, catching this now

@leslie-austinpattison7714 Жыл бұрын

Thank you Dr. Good information for my relationship with my Highjackle husband.

@kimberlymccracken747 Жыл бұрын

You're so lovely Rhoberta - I am making great strides with your help. Gratefully yours 😘

@christineplaton3048 9 ай бұрын

You Are not safe with the narcissist. It takes awhile, but they are very dangerous when they get to their discard stage.

@HaroldDauphin 6 ай бұрын

Wow! Thank you for finding you. I am dealing with that this moment. I will be reaching out to you.

@ritadoran5039 Жыл бұрын

Great topic explained Thabk you

@larrylorimer3065 7 ай бұрын

How can one Divorce a Narcissist? It's impossible unless they have a new supply. It took a Judge to remove me but I was still not safe as the children were the MINIONS than. I was not allowed restraining orders as I was the Respondent. Even with B&E's and poisoning I never had help. Had to stay with friends and couch surf for years and this brought them under fire. It's not right!

@joesoap8125 11 ай бұрын

i feel a lot of this. wondering if I'm the narcissist or the empath. or if we are both bits of each. What a mess :)

@maxwell-cole Жыл бұрын

Excellent and informative.

@polishqueen3671 8 ай бұрын

How to spot they are a ,,parasite "after you leave them?? *They still think they in a relationship with you *They tell you their problems..never asking for yours..😮😢

@amothergoddess2774 Жыл бұрын

THANKYOU RHOBERTA; I GREW UP IN A FAMILY OF HIJACKALS, I'M TRYING TO STAY TOTALLY FREE OF THE YOUNGEST SISTER WHO HAS ADOPTED ME SINCE I WAS SICK, I TOLD HER I WAS DONE BUT SHE IS IGNORING MY REQUEST AND TRYING TO GET BACK IN, I'M IN AUSTRALIA, SEEING THERAPIST SOON BUT WILL SHE UNDERSTAND, DON'T KNOW, GREAT ADVICE, WHAT I NEED TO HEAR!

@susantodd7169 9 ай бұрын

Just found your channel. Love it!

@Tbn48ibp 9 ай бұрын

Dr you are such a pretty lady and you are soooo right. Just want to thank you for your wisdom and class !!! You have helped me a great deal.

@melawieeinapfel8594 3 ай бұрын

I am a high jeckel and I feel others should become more like me. If everyone would care for themselves first, everybody would be taken care of

@sommesoul33 2 ай бұрын

Narcs don’t care about themselves. Most cannot even function without destroying someone else.

@palmamingozzi5736 10 ай бұрын

Isn’t it something how you sound a little like Marilyn Monroe. I’m fascinated on this subject and I had no clue my daughters would break my heart, I am curious to know if they were born without empathy?

@debralondon2402 Жыл бұрын

Education professional help truly helps deal and heal deep psychological wounds and as a result also the persons physical health as well. Thanks 😊 🙏 ❤

@polishqueen3671 8 ай бұрын

I just found you..wow.. You explain so well and loving.. thank you..😊 You are amazing 💖🤩

@susannegoldmann6491 7 ай бұрын

My exnarc hates me. I injured him various times and kicked him out in the end

@raidenewalden4354 21 күн бұрын

Listening to you makes me feel so stupid being used and manipulate by this person whom I give all years of my life . Only now I know the truth about his action .

@bettyboop6691 Жыл бұрын

Well said!

@debralondon2402 10 ай бұрын

Very helpful video. Thank you

@vanillakiss8701 Жыл бұрын

True true and true

@SaritWorld 11 ай бұрын

Thank you so much.

@shaafalyemen Жыл бұрын

The enablers are always falling for their Narratives

@Sarah-with-an-H 3 ай бұрын

Its a misconception that narcissists kack empathy. The mental illness is a soectrum and so some have a bit more empathy than others

@karenscott9899 7 ай бұрын

Love your info it helps me alot 31:00

@debralondon2402 11 ай бұрын

So true

@rascallyrabbit Жыл бұрын

can someone raised by non-empathetic parents be empathetic or is it an excuse for not being empathetic?

@susannegoldmann6491 7 ай бұрын

They lie 24/7

@livea3596 5 ай бұрын

Do you believe that a hijackal can change?

@salibacchus7197 Жыл бұрын

Is a hijacker, the same as a Narcissis?

@Namaslayin 3 ай бұрын

Am I a hijackal?

@Jess-wk5jo Жыл бұрын

I have question for you over affairs. What happen if dating morgan and i starting texting my ex boyfriend stephen his behind back i would be staying i love you and miss you to Stephen and good morning and how are you with 😘❤️💕🥰😍 is it emotional affair or micro cheating

@mgkos Жыл бұрын

It’s dishonourable. Why on earth wld a grown man be needing to ask such a facile question in Utube comments with emojis?

@tinacanavan7477 8 ай бұрын

It’s selfish and you lack empathy and exploit people

@taleandclawrock2606 6 ай бұрын

It sounds like emotional cheating that could easily become physical cheating.