Agreed. Like it's a weakness. But at the same time, I would see moments where I felt there was a real sadness/mourning that it was something they recognized they didn't have and they couldn't understand *why* they didn't have it like others...

I was actually called a sucker by a narcissist when her husband asked for my help and I immediately agreed to help. 😮

Yet put them in a car lot. for mine, you may have well handed me his balls..biggest sucker in any other way.

The narcissist empathy is BECAUSE of enablers.

So I was 14, back in the late '80s, and my parents took me on a multi-state vacation. We drove for eight or ten hours, and then my parents got into some really stupid fight over when/where to stop for the day, where to find a motel, etc. I'm sitting in the back seat thinking, "OMG, are you KIDDING me? We don't have a reservation anywhere? What the H is this???" I kept my mouth shut and let them fight over it. Dad's in the driver's seat, Mom's in the passenger seat, and the fighting goes on and on and on. They couldn't even decide if they wanted to stop soon or not, and the Sun's getting low in the sky, but not setting yet. Then Dad starts pulling some sort of ultimatum, to get his way. I don't remember exactly what it was, but he wanted to stop and Mom wanted to keep going for several hours. Anyway, she says nothing, and he's sitting there waiting. Waiting, waiting, she's saying nothing, and I'm just sitting there in the back like, "What the literal F is this nonsense?" I think at this point I did ask, "We don't have a reservation anywhere?" Mom looked back at me and told me to keep quiet. Dad sits there and says, "You should have planned this out better, you know." My Mom starts in on defending how she didn't have time, etc. Then my Dad announces that he's driving to a Greyhound station he thinks is somewhere in the town up ahead (we were on an interstate throughout this whole ordeal), and I just thought, "I have no words." My eyes got big, I remember that much. I don't actually remember what happened next, but it was some more arguing between them, and then my Dad just... I mean, he threw an actual tantrum, fake, blubbery tears and all, in such an obvious attempt to try to get his way, and I couldn't help myself, I bust out laughing, which angered him, and Mom told me to shut up. I remember asking, "Why? It's obvious he doesn't mean it. He's not sad, he's just mad 'cause he didn't get his way!" Mom glared at me again and repeated that I should shut up. We did get to a Greyhound parking lot, and Dad went inside, but he didn't have the money for a last minute ticket. He asked Mom for it, but she refused. I desperately tried not to laugh at this point. He got in the car, slammed the door, and told me that if I knew what was good for me, I wouldn't say another word for the rest of the trip. I think I found some kids game to play with and eventually took a nap, but I did what I was told. When I woke up, we were at a motel and Mom had already gone and paid for the room at the office, and was on her way back. Dad was in the motel room. I got out and started to help bring things in from the car, but when I got to the door, Mom told me to leave the things I had there, she handed me the keys to the car, and told me to lock myself in and roll the windows down a crack and sleep there that night. I couldn't believe it. I wasn't allowed to sleep in the motel room? What? Because my Dad was being a fake cry-baby and a spoiled jerk, and I couldn't help but laugh about it? I was 14 and he was acting like a 2 year old brat; I think I had a right to laugh at that. As soon as I had put the luggage down and had the keys, I overheard why she had said this. My Dad was inside screaming at her to find him a paring knife so he could stab me to death. I ran to the car, got in, made sure all the doors were locked, and tried to sleep there that night. I couldn't really sleep though, and was scared. I had a little journal I'd brought with me, so I wrote about it in that, and hoped it would be found in case he did stab me to death the next day or something. The next morning, I had to go to their motel room and ask for some breakfast, which I had to eat out in the car. They waited a few hours and then put everything in the car, got in, and drove on as if nothing had happened. This was hardly the only really bad thing that happened with them as I grew up. My Dad's also not the only person to intentionally threaten my life, either. Stupidly, those two are still married, and he has absolute control over her, even though he's so old his vision is gone and she could literally just walk out on him and never look back and just leave him there. Why, you may be asking? Simple. Their religion teaches that divorce is a sin, and also, she has broken her paternal grandmother's rule, "Never mistake pity for love." Also, I think she's just flat out afraid of him, even though there's no actual reason to be anymore.

I feel grief for your inner little one and the loss of the sense of safety that you were entitled too Thx for sharing. if you are not already a writer I feel you certainly would make a great one.@@justrosy5

@@justrosy5 when i was 14 i severed the main tendon in my leg 90% apart. First docs said may never heal rt. Approx 6 mo in a cast n day i got it off n a walking cast (open top splint) on it they said it looked healing better than imagined n may heal perfect. Went home n as i was changing into a play shirt psycho dad n psycho mom started on each other. Mom walked in my room like "whys that shirt on your bed!!!!" I said "mom i havent had a chance to." She stomped on my foot hard as she could n stood over me laughing as blood poured out. Dad walked in n screamed at her for bein a psycho then screamed at me for crying like a baby. Never healed right....

ALL of these "parents" should've just kept their damned legs shut back in college-or perhaps high sdhool..❤

Whenever they do something "nice" for you, it's never just to be sweet to someone they care about. Their "niceness" always comes with a pricetag. It is exactly a transaction, like purchasing something at the store!

Oh my God I borrowed the car that one time! Never again, I'll walk.

They would even use money as a transaction for emotion. Just pay and they'll say, "didn't we (financially) help you decades ago with your college fund debt"? And this lasts a lifetime. Like my sibling felt the need to remind me my mother financially "helped" me decades ago when dealing with the funeral of my dad. I was like wft does this have to do with dad's passing ffs ! So it's even inheritable it seems. or maybe she was just jealous her education didn't cost anything and she should get money too or something sick like it. Like i'm responsible for accepting or something ? I guess I wish I never did. BTW, not that any of my parents (non financially) helped me much when in college, in fact, kinda the opposite giving me hell and degradation all the way and my sibling was a sadist and still is.

I'dd say they don't meet anything human.

With them, it's "cold gin time again ", of course in one respect, they might appreciate it (f it doesn't effect them, or their schedule or agenda), if it fits with their own needs and wants. But if you so much as make a even a blunder, they will condemn you, and declare you DEAD to them. As far as my Sister is concerned, I died last night(evening) from AIDS.

Lonely InDeed

This is so fascinating! First time I’ve heard this referred to, but it absolutely makes sense.

Lol

Haha.. they are not too bright..but thanks made me laugh...xo

🤣🤣🤣🤣👌

So true! I’ve experienced this too, multiple times, but I fell for the fake apologies & fake tears because I didn’t understand narcissism. Not anymore!!

O my God. 10 years. Jesus Christ help us all. Crazy man. They have 0 shame. 10 years!!!God damn. Bless your strength and soul! For real!! Send you my support.

Thank you for sharing

Mobile phones have a 'blocking' option for good reason

The clincher is when the person being nice is a narc

Good point - they play the role of empathy, but it never radiates out from their core like the sun. Instead, it feels like the air blowing out of a a furnace and can turn off any moment, leaving you feeling cold and wanting more.

I'm sorry... and I sympathise with the grief and bitterness of going through this humongous waste of energy. At least we know there are plenty of people here who got fooled the same way. It's not because we're fools, far from it. At least that helps me to move on, even though it feels so absurd at the same time given it is our parents. Thanks for sharing.

Thank you for sharing. I experienced this with my mother.

Right! It's just an act for them to get what they want. They don't actually FEEL it!

How do you know you are an empath?

They are barely human, a sub category that unfortunately is taking over the Earth. I need to relocate to another Planet. ✈️

@@specialtwice4975 I don't know how others define it, but for me, I feel other people's emotions very strongly, as if they are my own. It is a bodily feeling for me, like if I feel someone else's sadness I feel a heaviness in my chest and I cry, as if the sadness is my own. It's the same with other emotions. I very strongly relate to other's feelings, and I feel what they are feeling.

I can feel other's feelings but not as strongly as you can. Like, if I'm talking to a friend and they feel sad and are crying , I will feel sad too, but I won't cry about it. I will just feel a slight sadness which within 8 hours or so will go away. I will even sometimes feel sad about my own emotions based off of their emotions. I will feel sad for myself basically, feeling sad about being sad that they are sad. (Kind of feels narcissistic for me, cause I'm feeling sad about me being sad) Another thing is I can sometimes pick up other people's emotions in a room. I can feel what they are feeling or feel the vibe of the room almost like it's an energy itself that's flowing out to me as a small wave or a force field type energy. (Kind of like the Star Wars force?) Depending on the emotion that is in the room/what the others feel it can make me feel self conscious, scared, or socially awkward, for example. It can also make me feel happy, positive, or excited, if it is a good emotion. I can also sometimes read what other people are thinking. It's rare, and doesn't happen often/with everyone, but if a person and I are in a room, I am able to read their energy in a fast second. I can read what they are thinking in that split second. It's hard to describe... but it's almost like their inner thought is being typed out into the air for me in word form and I can read it as they pass by. Or maybe a better description is it's almost as if I can hear their inner thought, like it's being whispered by them but they aren't saying anything. It's kind of cool but also weird for me. Is this being an empath or just being a regular person?

Yes! Both my parents and all of my siblings which led to choosing friends and lovers bc it was such a familiar feeling or relationship. Then you wake up one day absolutely exhausted and just can’t do it anymore. I would have never know about any of this w/o Sr. Ramani. 🙏🏾

The only pathetic ones are them...and deep down somehow they know it.

It's ironic that they hate it and call it weak, and yet when they need something from you, your empathy/care, (for example: after being in the hospital for surgery) suddenly making them a sandwich, helping them walk around, etc, is not a st*pid idea anymore. If it involves them and their emotions then it ain't silly.

​@@specialtwice4975This is so true special and I actually learned this fact the hard way cos of both my narc ex friends(Thank God!) These folks have no problem at all whinging on about their many and varied personal problems but when my Dear Late Mother became seriously ill and died of a brain tumour...suddenly I was focusing too much on my grief?! U couldn't make it up with these types of folks...

​@@specialtwice4975They truly see anyone who is trustworthy 😢and showing empathy is perverted and not worthy of their attention or trust. My sister thinks of me as someone who is willing to mess her over over a small mistake I made . And is more than willing to consider me dead, as soon as I was dropped off from returning from work the other day.

Spot on...narcs don't have it, so ridicule what you don't understand...classic reaction to hitting a nerve

So true! When we're caught up in the whirlwind of a narcissistic relationship, those "shining moments" become so precious to us, because they happen so infrequently. Just when we're about to leave, the narc does something to give us that breadcrumb of hope, and we hang on, thinking that at last it has turned into a "real relationship". We all deserve to be in a healthy relationship where those shining moments of connection happen every day!

@@christinelamb1167 yeah the infrequency of connection has me busy trying to control or reproduce it again, totally unaware that what produced it were factors out of my control.

I so get it... shame can be a guide though. When I feel shame about something now, I know it is precisely something worth sharing in therapy. I push myself to figure out a way to say it, so the therapist can do their job of helping me see it differently. You have to find a therapist you trust though. And take the time to know them aswell. Good luck!

You’re on the ball with this one my guy

BPD mothers do this to their children.

Interesting, my mother always said about my ex husband: that man has ice water running through his veins. God Bless you Mother 💜. I wish she were still here to help now .

Me too. The stress is too hard to bear 🙁

That is Incorrect, they never end up alone. Women are desperate for a man even one in prison who may be a psychopath a woman will marry and visit every week. My ex found a Wealthy Widow, she gives him everything, buys cars for him to drive, cooks for him, now living in her house, she invited him, tells him she loves him. He has no capacity for Love. He plans to leave and I'm sure she has no clue. I'm sure he is lying to her like he lied to me. He is an amazing actor. She may be another narcissist, IDK. He is playing her. He plans to leave

My mother is the same! She's really great at pointing out other people's narc behavior, but she's completely oblivious to it in herself. I've also had to bite my tongue many times to hold myself back, and also had to stifle my hysterical laughter that threatens to come out when I hear her say such things!

It's great that you self-reflect. Do you get energy by making someone miserable?Do you gaslight others?Do you feel empty on inside?Are you not confident on inside?If answers are yes then it could be that you're a narcissist but shrink can diagnose you for sure. If answers to above is no and based on other info you wrote maybe you just had compassion burnout. Also, seems like you have anger issues but there are books and videos how to do anger management-techniques are very simple. You having little patience has to do with your "attack" response to stress. Usually people have 4 reactions to stress. You can realn more about it and manage.