Transcript available on Substack darrenfmagee.substack.com/p/one-question-to-ask-if-a-narcissist

They won’t change because it’s never their fault!! They don’t think they’ve done anything wrong.

Get back together? NO, is a complete sentence.

The moment there mouth opens there manipulating or lying

If you know, they are a narc? You never win. RUN! RUN for your life 🏃

One friend divorced her abusive husband only for him to tell her how very much he missed her. She asked what he missed about her and he said, "Your California hamburgers." Needless to say, she did not go back.

Nothing changes,absolutely nothing, 2000%.

The simplest question is always the one you never think of asking. Thank you for sharing this.

The most consistently mind blowing thing that happens whenever I watch these types of videos is how my eyes will open so wide and my jaw drops to the floor when I hear something that happened to me that is EXACTLY the phrase or situation being talked about as a common narcissistic behavior. Sometimes I think I understand the concept well enough to spot it, and then I realize how much just goes right over my head. I value people who are willing to walk others through this stuff because the layers are quite baffling. Thanks for the video

The best way to end a relationship with a toxic narcissist is to tell them “I don’t trust you, and everybody knows the Why.”.

I go off their actions only. Nothing else. When someone does the song and dance of how much they are in love with you, etc, but not doing the simplest of errands, they don't care.

Mine said he'd "spend the rest of his life making it up to me." No thanks🤣

After the first rage and begging to be forgiven I asked this question. I got a blank stare. I knew then I was dealing with someone who isn’t playing with a full deck. Took a year, but I’m free and healing.

My ex’s answer was that the problem in the relationship was all me and not him (in other words he would not change). Needless to say he is still my ex

sometimes hoovering occurs through triangulation. That is, the abuser may attempt to reach you by befriending a common friend.

Indeed - what would be different? And the answer is NOTHING because whether you have been apart for 20 days or 20 years what hasn’t changed is them!

Genuine questions build good relationships and repel unhealthy ones. I don't miss the "deer in headlights" response. Lol

You've really hit the nail on the head. They think they can use words to charm their target. That's because it often works for needy lonely codependent people

So simple, yet so brilliant! Thank you

Future faking isn't a change.

Thank you. That was beautiful cuts right through the lies.

I'm a narcissist magnet. Once I break off a friendship with one of these individuals, they let some years elapse before trying again. The incident that caused the breakup is never alluded to. No apologies are offered. Instead, they call me up, out of the blue, with some horrendous story. One ex-friend said she'd just adopted her neighbor's 3 children after their mother was murdered by their father. (This turned out to be a complete fabrication; neither the neighbors nor their children even existed.) Another former friend phoned after 5 years to tell me about being attacked outside a gay bar and nearly killed. This story was true, but the fact that he used it to get my pity and try to rope me back in was pretty weird. Both of these people wanted to avoid having to admit they'd been wrong, and tried to distract me by describing their involvement in dreadful incidents. (Interestingly, in one of them, the narcissist was a hero. In the other, a victim.) Don't let people do this to you! Apologizing for bad behavior won't guarantee that a person's NOT a narcissist, but if they can't even get that far, simply end the conversation as soon as you can, and avoid all further contact.

Spot on, Darren. I know 2 such people and neither seems capable of taking responsibility and admitting that they too made mistakes.

"My life is empty without you" is NOT what I want to hear. I take responsibility for living a fulfilling life. I'm not interested in getting together with someone who's not enough of a grownup to do the same.

When I decided to take my ex narc back, he immediately diagnosed me in his head with a mental health disorder that I don't have. 8 months go by. In the last letter he wrote me before I went no contact, he told me that he used this to excuse all MY bad behavior 🙄

"I am not your enemy" told me my narcissistic mother but I didn't believe her.

I went no contact with my best friend because of his constant enabling of his highly toxic and narcissist wife. This response to hoovering attempts is what I've been desperately looking for. Merci !!!

This is so precise!! All of this, literally every example- happened to me. Its shocking to hear, but also tells me I was right to walk away. I also asked, when he attempted hoovering a few months ago; what would be different? Have you been to therapy? He said; I want things to be exactly how they were. I answered "that will not be working for me, and I am not interested'

I asked the narcissist who was in my life the question, "If I did just what I know about to you what you did to me, would you give me another chance?" Her response: 🤨 My response: 🤣

There is one person that no matter what nice things they do or gifts they try to give, it is now all tainted by that I don't trust them and don't feel comfortable while they are about.

My Sanity has returned and feel better. Not scared, anxious or dreading. Should have done this 3 years ago DONE!

2:57 i felt that, you know someone well enough to know its all bulls-*%😢

This was a Helpful Conversation…I think an important aspect to this (that I have experienced myself) is it does not matter how many years it has been since you were in the relationship - decades even. I believe the narc is always trying to fill in the gaps where they are bored or not in a relationship presently and if you come in contact you look like a new prospect (for 5 minutes. ) Do not fall for it !! That is why this question was Grand ( even if you do not ask it, I Love the thought for considering it and probably answering for yourself that Nothing would change - or maybe be worse because now the Narc is older.) The part that I do think is WORTHY to keep mentioning…is the dang love bombing…wow someone acting like they are head over heals, flowers, etc should not have to be a red flag.

there is NO fixing them PERIOD

I've been asked 4 times and the question in my mind if I'm asked again has been very much like this...what will you change, what will you do differently...because I know that the change MUST come from them. Of course I now know that she will neer truly change so I'm out of there for good. Oh, and I'm happy now!

Completely correct, only interoception on their part would lead to a way forward. Its highly unlikely. Asking for the winning lottery numbers is a better question. 😂

Darren this is very simple and very insightful. Thank you

I walked away few times, not knowing nothing about narcissism yet.. It was just simple common sence. And I witnessed results of going many times, paying very dearly for it Thank you for a tip I'll try not forget it. That is the key ingredient, I think

What you said near the conclusion rings true: I was asked if I wouldn't like to give hi/us another chance. I said no. Because I had already given a million chances in the course of our 13 years together. I wouldn't as that question you suggested because I already knew the answer: Nothing.

yes actually it's a good question. and yes actually, they will never answer to that.

my favorite comeback nothing is ever your fault, what is the last time you said sorry for anything ? than laugh and walk away a question they never answer and laughing makes them crazy because they want to control and manipulate, you did not give them the reaction they wanted

Excellent advice for any troubled relationship, thank you. 😊

I was emotionally abused by my father as a child and I carried this behavior into my marriage. It damaged my wife. A lot of what I did looked like narcissistic behavior. I don't know if I have that or not, but I feel awful for not getting help sooner. I acknowledged my harms without reservation. I am now in therapy, sober, going to AA meetings, and have scheduled an inpatient treatment center to heal my past traumas. Unfortunately, too little too late. I miss my wife terribly.

Hello Darren that is crazy kind of forcing someone being your friend! 😂. There are plenty of fish in the sea...

It is a very thought provoking question. Although I am unable to leave, it helps me clarify how I have to behave to have even a few moments of peace. It makes the need for radical acceptance even more evident. Your analysis and explanation are powerful and presented in the kindest way. Thank you.

You have nailed it Darren. Exactly the case. Spot on!

One of the best videos about narcissisam. So SPOT On.... So crucial ...Every word resonates. It will be just new reprolise of love bombing for few months, 🤯...until , One day, you discover .... that something sinister is happening (all that time) , behind your back... Some , property deals, guertilla pregnancies, secret spendings, career changes, or ... who knows what. 👍👌👏👏👏

They want to go back to the same way it was when they were happy. Regardless of how anyone else was impacted or felt about it. Regardless how crazy. I'm keenly reminded of turning 18 and GETTING OUT OF THE HOUSE, and upset pop was, it seemed to me like he wanted me to go back to 12...

Darren, this is a really helpful video for me. Thank you so much! I didn't know what narcissism is until last week, but thank God I kept standing up to him and was on my way out of the relationship after only 3 months. I hadn't yet heard what hoovering is, but that's what he just did to me IMMEDIATELY after I signed and notarized the annulment papers... but the next week he dropped me cold with his #1 specialty, the silent treatment. That was painful in a 'cured me' kind of way. Thank God! 😅

My ex was messaging acting so kind and caring again (after almost killing me) I replied that I was very sick and it could be life threatening…you may think this was terrible and I would never usually say this to anyone! But in this case I wanted to prove how my exes love was absolute BS. I sent the message, it took a long time to get a reply and the reply was not standard or normal. It demonstrated that my ex didn’t even care if I died. They just want you for convenience and benefits. If you’re gone and dead then you’re not very beneficial and they will jump ship.

In an inspired moment, sat down one day and figured out my point of no return. I told him the boundary and kept trying up to the point he crossed it and held him to it. Best thing I could have done.

My mom would send a short "I love you" a few days before her birthday or before Christmas. I gave up asking for what I needed. The last time we spoke and she poo poo'd what I was sharing, I asked her, "could you not, just one time, say something like, "I'm happy for you", or just "good for you"? And she immediately replied, "NO! You are putting words in my mouth!" That's when I realized I would never hear a kind thing from her, ever. Bye bye. But apparently I'M the bad guy. 🙄

Thank you Darren. Such a powerful, accurate, loaded short video. You understand this. Thanks for talking about this all.

Easiest simplest thing to do is……..NEVER EVER LOOK BACK…….EVER AND EVER AMEN

I guessed the question correctly in advance! That is... what has changed? Any signs of taking responsibility? Not boasting, just realizing that I've had lots of hands on practice that's helping me to learn the ropes of the narcissist's ways.

When I want people to answer their questions it’s not because I want to hear them. Most of the time I already knew the answers. I just needed to see them hear themselves speak out loud. The first change happens with the change of attitude.

Another fantastic segment, Darren. Thank you.

The timing of this video was right on for me. Your content is so helpful. Thank you!

Thank you so much! One of the best tipps in this matter! 👍👍👍

Thank you for this video. I was able to take notes on 3 new (to me) ideas from it!

I love your humour and clarity of thought and tactic! Always enjoy your videos, thank you 👌

I cannot take this video seriously You never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever. Give them another chance to lie to you.

Thank you for this content .

Excellent advice as always. Great examples. Thanks Darren

This should be taught in highschool 🔥

Very helpful. Thank you ☺️👍

Thank you so much for your brilliant advice Darren. It's so hard to live with a person like this. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde personalities that they have. Everyone is an object to them.

Sometimes the toxic person over time works at it to make you to be the narcissist and when their toxic comes out and discards then they act like they are the normal person and you are the one at fault with all the issues. Its like a setup after years together

Narcissistic abuse fallout can make someone completely avoid serious relationships or trusting people again, the instinct to feel loved or love becomes something to avoid altogether, love is the root of all evil

narc will play the victim card, they will say 'what will change? whatever argument between us in the future will be my mistake, you will have no wrong, ok?'. narc is the master of playing the mind. every word that came out of their mouth have many other meaning and will change over time totally pointless in my case.

Relationships aren’t 50/50 they are supposed to be 100/100!

We shouldn't forget that narcissists are very intelligent at the game they play with their victims. They always have a card under their sleeves to play when the situation turns against them. They'll never give their victim a straightforward answer to their question. 😢

“I don’t want a divorce. She wants to get married as soon as we sign the divorce papers and I don’t want that!” Me: “Get out. Now.”

He went to Mexico for a year. YaY. He returned to the city, then came calls. Big offer, " you know you didnt progress in the year i was away, you need me, im willing to hug you if you can change and be nicer to me". He discarded me 3 yrs ago, and THIS is supposed to be enticing. HA!

Getting strong enough to distance yourself from all nacicistic in your life is a sign of inner growing and the best way to save useless energy vaste.🙏

Good one. Thank you

Helpful!!! Thanks!

In my 20’s I used to refer to my mother as a Push-me-Pull-You.

Have you ever covered how a weak person can avoid a narcissist or what kind of person gets taken advantage of by narcissists? Might be helpful for weak people (to discover their weaknesses).

He doesn't want to end, doesn't want to live, doesn't want to take responsibility doesn't want to take accountability. He label you victim mindset when you speak about emotional maturity, self-reflection, empathy and kindness.. They lack so many skills and qualities which makes us human hence run for your life once you recognize they are narcissistic person. They will never change for anyone..

Giving them an umpteenth chance? He always turned it into him giving ME another chance. When in fact it was the opposite.

She has an email that is very clear all she needs to do is acknowledge that someone else hurt me. She can't even manage that.

"If we get back together, what would be different? What would change?" For a manipulative abuser, that *is* an *easy* question to answer. They'll lie their ass off about how they'll totally treat you with respect and decency. Like they'll let you speak instead of talking over you, and they've got their explosive temper under control, and they'll put you first, and so on... Essentially whatever they think you want to hear. If they are good at what they do, they'll keep it up long enough to entrench themselves back into your life and make themselves very difficult and costly to remove from your life again, and then the facade will drop.

"If I lie to you yet again will that do to get you back only to hurt you again and again?" 😮😊😂 Narc=Shark🦈

lol the part that stood out to me: “They’ll be so used to you doing their thinking and problem solving for them, that they’ll expect you to answer your own question.” 100%. They live on their own planet. There will never be an acknowledgment that they wrecked the relationship and are completely incapable of anything other than wrecking relationships. It’s a complete waste of time. There is no point in going back or entertaining their fanciful daydreams. I no longer respond to messages like these. I only respond to messages regarding the children. I have finally learned how to handle him. I WILL have a good life again, and I will not look back like Lot’s wife did….or like a fool to his folly… or like a dog returning to its vomit….lol the Bible has a lot of very descriptive analogies for going back to what almost destroyed you.

They love to use love to control others.

While I do believe anyone can change the question is, will they? My personal experience has shown me that the won't. My now deceased narcissistic father was the same right until the Iast that saw him before his health took a turn. He was 78 then. Okay? I was away from him and mother basically 30 years-military and college in another state- and they had only gotten older but still the same ways that drove me away. Okay? I read this, which basically summarizes it: "A snake only sheds its skin to become a bigger snake." Save yourself a lot of pain, frustration, disappointment, accept what is and, if you choose to, find someone who will respect and appreciate you.✌️

My ex begging for me back… “You deserved everything I did to you, you have no value. Please give me a chance to earn your trust.” 😂🤯

Always pay attention to their actions If they don't comply with their words, then it is time to leave... They do not change It is time for you to change your direction I have given a second chance, but not third The second chance was even worse In my humble opinion, you shouldn't give more than two chances In the end...it is you who is going to be hurt...cause they already have ready supplies waiting for them

Narcissism obeys the first rule of evolutionary theory. Survival before altruism. Me first then you. The rest is strategy

Darren, You have no clue how many people come to Ayahuasca ceremonies who've been completely traumatized by narcissistic abuse (mostly men as false society has trumpeted the "modern woman" of being a cold, cruel, calculated parasitic snake as if they're some sort of endearing attributes, lol !). And in the ceremonies they get all the truthful answers and infinitely more than they were initially looking for (spiritually speaking). I was just in a ceremony a few nights ago where 6 of the 17 participants were men and came to the ceremony because they have been completely depleted by their female narcissist partner...and Since eye am an expert on the subject Mama Ayahuasca and I healed them all in spectacular fashion far beyond any words can describe..You're doing an outstanding job raising awareness ! Much love !! You're a Spiritual Warrior my friend !! : - )

I think, what he's trying to say is .....they aren't going to change! Lolol

I’m trying to deal with feelings of retroactive anger. I used to allow so much verbal abuse and contempt, and now years later the thoughts and memories assail me and make me angry and sad. We’re still together and things have improved greatly. He’s not a total narcissist, in other words, and changed his behavior. But the anger is now part of my psyche. I wonder what to do about it. Perhaps my inability to confront my partner now is a testament to my passivity which allowed the abuse in the first place.

My ex told me he will become a better partner and wants to learn what I need but I did tell him already and nit only nothing happened but in fact he did actually the exact opposite. So he insisted, I should have pushed him more. Of course, again my fault. Then he said he wants to become the best partner for me ever if only I would help him. I just had to help him😂. The man is 61 years, highly intelligent, two times divorced. And wants me to believe this bs that I am supposed to be the one who will make him a better person. Obviously He thinks I am utterly stupid but I am not at all.

Hi Darren, Thanks for the video! What if it's your only daughter that is a narcissist and has been estranged for 5 years now? Her and my brother wouldn't let me go with them to see my dad when he was dying and in hospice care and I was seriously physically and financially injured and had no other way to travel out of state, they thought I was going to try and get part of their inheritance even though I was my dad's Jr. and wasn't in the will. I just wanted to see my dad before he passed. My brother is very cruel and I believe a narcissist also, so even if my daughter tried to speak or see me my brother would be involved somehow. I do love my daughter and grandkids and was always good and kind to her, what a mess I know, I'm done with my brother even though I have forgave him in my heart, but won't in person. My therapist told me I would have to automatically accept her back to possibly see the grandkids. I'm so lost, I can't fully find help about this situation. But I will also have to ask her this question you mentioned here for my own mental health sake?

I discovered with pwNPD/pwBPD if you get in the way of their addiction, be it drugs or alcohol, you might as well just leave them, they will never put YOU above their wooby ( addiction) and most NPD's/BPD's have an addiction.

Doctor Who, Space 1999, Star Trek and Star Wars! Plus WoW! What is behind the Eagle?

These comment sections are always the same, it's always the other partner who's the narc and the commenter the victim. I would implore them to have a good look and evaluation of themselves too. It's way easier to spot the faults of others.

“I threw away a piece of garbage”…..is what I threw away 🤢

So my dad is absolutely manipulative in some of these ways. He’s such a gross person inside. Very disappointing and upsetting to have to have relied on him as a child.