'shut up head' 😂 I definitely need to tell my head that. Love the way Kati explains things

I like that you're taking the shame out of fantasizing about traumatic events. I used to do this a ton. It wasn't that I was fantasizing about a traumatic event in itself. I was more wishing for the care, attention and sympathy that should follow. This topic made me realize that I've stopped doing this since I got into therapy. I think part of it is that we're working to process repair the real-life traumas that I wished at the time had gotten care attention and sympathy. The other part of it is that I'm constantly experiencing and re-experiencing how unfun and effortful it is to do the work and put attention on traumas so that's not my favorite place to go for day dreams anymore, lol.

Woo hoo! Another week, another episode :) I hope you all enjoy it and if you do, please consider sharing it with friends and family!

I sometimes fantasize about being traumatized by being physically hurt because I experienced emotional abuse and sometimes wish there would have been a less invisible wound. It is difficult for me to understand the pain I experience and I think, that pain would feel more validated if I could remember physical pain.

i had an english teacher who saved my life. i showed her a piece of my writing and she asked me what it was about and i just said (insert trauma) and she was very understanding. she helped me through so much, we would just have tea in her office and talk about things and she would offer me perspective on things and it was everything i needed. she kept telling me to take “baby steps” and whenever i’m overwhelmed or stressed out i hear her voice in my head saying “baby steps” even though i graduated out of high-school 3 years ago.

Is it possible to get timestamps on the topics in the description? Not all of them are interesting to everyone. For this one: 1. 3:50 2. 9:23 3. 20:50 4. 28:57 5. 37:06 6. 41:06 7. 44:49 8. 52:44

That trauma question hit really close to home. I always find myself feeling guilty of the way I feel because I haven’t been through “enough negative stuff”. It feels like I don’t have the “right” to self harm, have trouble with eating, etc because I haven’t been through as bad or as traumatic events as other people.

I told a teacher about my self-harm before I told my mum. It was just easier and felt more comfortable

For those thinking about "not wallowing" in emotions. As a buddhist I've learned a phrase that's helped me: "Let go of the story line, stay with the feeling." Because thoughts trigger more emotions, you may recognize what event triggered the emotion, but you practice not allowing conceptual proliferation (aka papañca). Tara Brach teaches a practice called "RAIN": R-ecognize the emotion, A-llow it to be there (give yourself permission), I-nvestigate (how it feels in your body), N-urture (self compassion)

“Cheating with the kids” is hitting me in a weird way because I was that kid without knowing it-it ‘parentified’ me in a bad way. But don’t worry about me: I want little to do with my parents now (they both did it). Normally an adult child might be more supportive but I’m permanently burned-out with them. Meanwhile, my sibling had good boundaries, took being called “selfish” in stride, and now can be there for them. If you’re a parent, let your kids be kids or they’ll fatigue.

28:56, timestamp for the trauma question

hahaha I lost it when she yawned and said "sorry, it's not you, it's me"

I told my therapist that I used to fantasise about having traumatic events happen to me as a teenager. She said that it sounded like a healthy coping mechanism for me at the time considering that I had actually been traumatised. The fantasies included a resolution (i.e. I got support from my family, I got support from professionals... both of which did not really happen for me IRL). That was so healing just on its own.

I specifically came to this for the title question. I fantasize about going through traumatic events a lot I feel like and never thought to think “why am I imagining this?” I always just thought I was a weirdo and want to cry or something. It helps it think “what is it from this event that I want? Is it because I wish people were paying attention to me?” Etc. Anyways, I just found your channel and I love it!

Similarly, I’ve also found myself fantasizing in the past about getting a more “severe” diagnosis. I felt like I “just” had anxiety and depression and no one would take that seriously. It feels so weird to say now but especially when I was in the hospital, I felt literally jealous of the people who I thought were sicker than me.

When you spoke about fantasizing about having a traumatic event happen I just had to chuckle when the first thing you said was that a person may have BPD. I have BPD and have these thoughts all the time. It appears I seem to be more of a cliche than I thought😂. The answer made me feel a lot more validated though. Thank you Kati ❤️🇿🇦

Would it be possible to add time-stamps in the description for when discussion of each question roughly begins? It’d be super helpful accessibility-wise for longer content - reeeally enjoyed this episode, thank you!

I feel a little awkward because I trust some of my teachers so much, but I just can’t trust the guidance counselor. They say to go to our guidance counselor if we need help, but I just can’t. Going to my teachers is just so much more natural for me

I don't fantasize about trauma in the sense of wanting it to happen but I do regularly imagine experiencing all sorts of traumatic events. For me it's a control thing - it's comforting to me mentally to know I have game plan'for the terrible situations because then I feel secure that I can handle whatever comes my way.... Even if on another level I know I can never really prepare myself fully or truly know how I would react if it actually happens.... The mind is weird...

I love the question about fantasizing about trauma. I didn't really realize I do this till it was asked. It's so interesting. The point you made Kati about wishing for a trauma to have a reason for things hit the nail on the head. I have done this for YEARS!!! I sometimes wonder if I have a repressed trauma that I need to process that would help explain thing. Instead I feel like I have these issue for an unexplained reason and that's not good enough. Thank you for taking this question Kati. It was really helpful!

The traumatic events always seem to make everything "matter" in a way that they never seem to otherwise. I guess that's what I'm looking for when I have those fantasies.

Pro Tip: for whoever vs whomever, you can try plugging in he/she for whoever and him/her for whomever to see which one is applicable. For example, “I love whomever” is correct because you could write “I love HIM”. Likewise, “Whoever wants to go” is correct -- “She wants to go”. Also, I love hearing your thoughts and life advice. You’re fun to listen to, to the point but also full of enlightening tangents

Oh Kati I feel you! I pulled my shoulder a couple weeks back and could not move properly for a couple of days. Feel better! 🤗💕

this podcast is pure gold😍😍. Its funny because I never expect that the questions will relate to me but they always do!!! 😅😅ts a blessing truly...Thanks for all the tips Kati!!

The other night I was looking at a video of what would happen in a nuclear war nowadays and, weirdly enough I felt comfortable watching it, because the thought that that wasn’t happening and I was comfortable in my bed was very comforting. And then I fell asleep

"The shame lies in the judgement ourselves, because of this thing..." WHOA. Thats HEAVY Kati.

About fantasizing about traumatic events: the point about wanting an 'explanation' for your overwhelming emotions is bang on, I'm really glad you brought this up, but there's another, closely related reason some people might be doing it. It could be that the person actually HAS experienced a traumatic event in the past, but they find it impossible to express the depth of the pain they're in. Going through a traumatic event might feel like the only thing that could ever possibly give them 'permission' to break down, to fall apart, to openly express to others how much pain they're in. Because it would be something that's happening right now, instead of something that happened in the distant past that they should be 'over' by now.

3:51 Hi Kati! I was wondering if it’s unhealthy or weird that I go to my teacher to vent and get advice instead of my mom or family? I feel like it’s so weird, but I’m more comfortable with her, is that messed up? Thanks! 9:21 How to help a spouse get help. Working on myself has been a process but finally getting my anxiety and codependency and trust issues in order but if we’re both not healing and bettering ourselves it’s not going to work. My spouse desperately needs to work on opening up, communication, and anger issues, and trust issues, and anxiety of his own. He’s pretty aware of this but I don’t think he gets how bad it is. I’ve mentioned therapy to him as we’ve gone together a few times, and I go to therapy but he doesn’t take the initiative. Help! I’m trying. 20:48 Hi! I sometimes have a hard time telling the difference between letting yourself feel an emotion, just let it pass through without denying it, and wallowing in it like marianting in self pity. Lol if you could help clarify it that would be cool. 28:57 Is it common to fantasize about going through a traumatic event? Does this only happen among people who have been traumatized? Does this make me a bad person? How do I tell my therapist? How do I stop? I would never wish anything bad upon anyone else. 37:06 What is the etiquette if your therapist goes through a loss in their family? I have my first session with my therapist since his mom died, and I'm really nervous. I feel like my struggles are nothing in the face of what he's going through. Also, my main struggle right now is with my mother, and I'm scared that listening to me talking about that might be painful for him. I'm just nervous and I don't know what I should and shouldn't say. He's helped me through a lot of pain and I just want to, if not do the same for him, at least not do the exact opposite 41:03 How to deal with “touch starvation” during quarantine when there isn’t anyone at home available or safe enough for it and social distancing is being encouraged? 44:48 Hi Kati, how do you get people to open up? I am one of those people who never talk about their feelings and what is going on. I think it has a lot to do with my childhood because showing feelings meant you were weak and I have always thought it is better to keep things in and let them hurt me then say them and let them hurt others. How do I open up and actually say how I am feeling and not just say I'm okay even when I'm not? 52:43 Hi Kati, since you have a significant social media presence and share some of your life online, what do you do if your clients know more about you than they should? I know there is a boundary when it comes to knowing about your therapist’s personal life so I was wondering how you address this with your clients. Thanks!

For me fantasizing about trauma is more like "I will be ready next time". I have complex PTSD and I had a lot of shit happen to me, every time I think I lost the ability to trust and be optimistic about the world for good - something else happens and it gets worse. So when I fantasize about trauma I will fantasaize about dealing with it, it being difficult, but at the end I am sorta victorious. I also like to help somebody else in thr process, and come out more respected. For me those fantasies are about safety and preparation, also a bit about boosting confidence. And they do help in real life. A lot of them are about medical emergencies of different magnitude, about how I could help people if there's gonna be an explosion in close proximity (I live in Russia, it does happen, but I was lucky to not be directly impacted as of yet), different stuff about my abusive father, just random people on the street being violent (not necessarily towards me), ect. The level of violence is rising, my life is shit and I have to deal with a lot, I don't care that this is unhealthy - it brings me a little amount of peace and even the tiniest amount is important right now.

im struggling but these podcasts make me happy

Oh...not the answer I fully expected. I fantasize about traumatic events in a different way. It's more like trying to imagine myself as someone who is strong and can overcome something so crazy that technically could happen to me. It's kind of like when you're trying to imagine a plot for characters in a story, only you're self inserting.

I just got a toy robot cat that can purr. It is intended for lonely elderly people in nursing homes and I was a little ashamed at first - but it helps sooo much with mimicking touch and not feeling so alone.

Was really grateful for the question about trauma. I found it sooo interesting

I dislike my job and my colleagues. I'm revelling because I don't have to see them again and, the more this lockout stretch the more I enjoy my quite.

It’s always a wonderful day when you release a new podcast episode!! 💕

for the first question, i have an okay relationship with my parents but we are very superficial. so i would turn to teachers to find support and to be told motherly things like good job and i’m proud. i think it’s more normal than you think, but it’s definitely something to work on at least for me.

Excited for this podcast! They're a good addition to my time. Btw, I was hoping you would see this for an AKA (sorry it's long!). I've been struggling with grieving termination (I have one more normal session, but don't think I'll be able to address and resolve everything with just one more). Sometimes I accept that it'll come, but other times I don't think about it and it suddenly hits that termination will happen. I know that I'll almost definitely grieve after it ends. The experience of therapy, but especially my therapist herself and the person she is and her presence in my life are very important to me, and I'm afraid I won't be able to cope with the grief and cope without her and always miss her (and this is under the assumption I'm not going to be able to go back to therapy before I go to college, so I won't see her ever again).

I love these podcasts 💕

Relating to the question about going to a teacher to talk to: granted, I am a college student and this is a college teacher I've had, but she has actually gone from teacher, to mentor, to friend and mentor. Shes actually really really helped me with a lot, and she has been a huge support for me over the past few years. Thanks for this question, as I was wondering if my situation was weird too.

for those struggling with "touch starvation" - i've struggled with this for years, as i live by alone, and often go months without seeing anyone i know well - i almost ALWAYS just feel like i need a hug. what helps me most: i have a teddy (i'm almost 30, haha), which i cannot fall asleep without cuddling. and i just got some little pet rats, which is helping tenfold. just some ideas. 🙂💛 i'm sending virtual hugs to all those in need of one. i feel you. i feel like a world group would be the best now, more than ever. hopefully we'll all get real hugs soon (they're way too underrated 🙉).

Thanks Kati for always picking a variety of questions. Even though they are from all directions, I always am able to pull at least a little something from each and relate in some way.

Sometimes I fantasize about going through a traumatic event because I want to be able to understand what someone else is going through.

I watched (listed to) this for the title question. In my early teens I would do this only because I was sort of ignored by an emotionally unavailable mother, and she abused me. I met a couple of friends' caring parents and wished they could adopt me. I pretty much knew why I was having the thoughts but was very curious how you'd explain it and to learn more. In a nutshell it was for nurturing attention for me. So thank you for answering this question. ✌

Great podcast! The reminder to identify and sit with an emotion and not wallow in it was just what I needed. So interesting to hear about your experience with being online and your patients view of it. I freaked out just seeing my therapists Facebook page so I understand why your patients may not like to watch your channel. Thank you for being online despite the challenges. We are all so grateful for your videos they are amazing!

I really do find myself wishing I had something horrible to explain why I feel so bad. My childhood was honestly fine. My parents were kind and people were nice to me. Friendships just didn't last and I've gotten more and more depressed and anxious, and I feel like it's just me being ungrateful.

My life has been challenging of recent, I have been through some really bad experience some of my doing but the PTSD I’m experiencing now is not if my doing and I can’t see a trauma specialist unfortunately. You have been a great resource for me I’m my healing.

When I fantasize about trauma it’s different. Maybe not what your referring to. If I went for a walk and I was to come up on a guy I “know “ I’m going to get hurt. My brain doesn’t go into details of what exactly will happen but my response to it. Who should I call. Should I call someone. Should I have someone pick me up or just go back to my car. If I go to the hospital what will happen there? How will I handle it? I don’t really go on many walks.

yes, it is very common it seems,,, (but this only happens to certain people with certain family values an certain socioeconomic status)

I "fantasized" about traumatic events a lot. Its gotten better since I live alone now but before I was on a hair trigger constantly, doors slamming, someone going up the stairs, kids yelling, I'd end up going through mental worse case scenarios and how to react. I honestly think its just bc I wasn't in an environment I felt safe in and I was trying to stay aware or my fight flight system was just on high alert at all time.

Maybe this isnt like super common but i feel like fantasizing about traumatic events could also be a form of emotional self harm? like, i personally went through a trauma but whenever my brain makes up new shitty situations its like "because you deserve it" i guess? idk i could be way off

I think another factor with the trauma question could be if you were badly traumatized by something that was not acknowledged by people around you. Or if you see it as "not bad enough" to cause your symptoms. You might imagine it being "worse" so that people would acknowledge what you went through.

hi kati do u mind adding time stamps in the description so that we can just click on them and it'll take us immediately to each of the question u were answering :)

My last Dr that prescribed my medicine was awesome. The first time I went to her we clocked immediately. We or should I say she, always got in trouble when we ran over on time. They would call her every fifteen minutes while we talked about our grands and all we had in common. I went to her once every 3 months so we made up for lost time every time I saw here. That is the kind of Dr I am looking for again. I know people will say, well, y'all were taking up others time, we were, but there were times I waited to see her too. She had a lot of people she loved and loved her. She had also suffered from depression when hurricane Rita hit us and I appreciated the fact of that. I would never wish anyone to be depressed, but being she had been, it made me feel better knowing she had felt the same feelings I did. As far as me watching my Dr on videos, I would love to do that. It to me would help me to think about you being human too. The first second video I watched of you was when you were upset about Corona and not knowing what the future holds. That made me like you more because you showed yourself as a normal human being that feels just like anyone else does. I am referring to people that suffer any type of mental health issues. I would much rather have a Dr that has walked somewhat in my shoes, so I know they know, how I am feeling. It makes it so much easier to tell someone how I feel if they can understand me bcause they have had some kind of mental feeling I have had. Whew, I know this is long, but I wanted to tell you I like your videos and the way you do your business. Thank you for putting all of this information out here for us. Have a great weekend, God bless!

Just remember you have a life to go back to. Some people live like this all the time and we are told to just use coping mechanisms.

regarding the question of fantasizing about traumatic events For me, i have/had (working on it) huge fear of commitment (the roots are definitely with my parent's toxic marriage) and I fantazised about having a great relationship and then the partner dies, whcih felt painful but also like the "best" option... (you dont have to be a therapeut to link those two things). However, since I started to really, really work on my commitment issues, these fantasies have gone away.. which i only noticed when Kati said, that this can be a phenomenon of your brain telling you, that you've got to work through something there :) Greetings from Germany

Hi !!!! I'm so ready to listen to this one!!!! It will be a great "Me Time"😊😊😊

I love your podcast they help me a lot ❤️❤️I love you so much

Love the podcasts! And as always great questions and great answers!

There's some bad things that are easily fixable, and some that are hard to fix. Maybe fantasizing about trauma or injury is really about wishing a complicated problem would turn into a simple one, even if it's at the cost of a lot of pain. I would willingly get a bacterial infection in my digestive system if it meant I'd be permanently free of my allergies, even though stomach illnesses really suck, because antibiotics are cures, whereas anti-allergy drugs temporarily suppress symptoms.

Just a thought.. could people not be fantasizing about going through a traumatic event right now because we are already currently going through a traumatic event (quarantine)? Love these podcasts!

The fantasy/nightmare tramatic event Seems like it has quit as I have actually addressed the childhood sexual abuse and early adulthood. I have found that elements of the fantasy/nightmare are part of the elements I needed to work on or that affected me..being hurt and unable to move..being raped..no one believing me. I really was ashamed that as a survivor I was having nightmares and " fantasy " about being hurt The other element is the line between fantasy and /or rehearsal preparation As a firefighter I read a book years ago about survival. Rehearsal of a possible scenario vs fantasy..fantasy is unreal problems rehearsal is important to learn to fight, to learn to scream, or to learn to run. So you can fantasize you make a heroic rescue or you can rehearse..the rescue topic.. overcoming each issue, and feel the fear or trauma, rehearse fear and moving, rehearse talking. I don't know if that helps anyone

Maybe you don't read this anymore, but I hope you do. I found the third question very interesting and your answer got me to think about it. If I'm correct, you said that the difference between 'just feeling it' and wallowing in it is in whether the feeling has a reason or you're just telling yourself more things that let you feel that way which aren't true. Now my question is, I often feel things (like sadness, despair, anger) and when I feel them, I keep reminding myself of more things that support that feeling. So in a way, I keep hurting myself unnecessary, but they have happened and they are still true, and I'm still sad/mad about them, because I never (fully) processed it. So I'm not making things up. But I often wonder if it's okay to do that and that it's a way to process those feelings (because I often suppress them) or that I'm just hurting myself for no reason and I should stop that. And thanks for sharing so much and helping so many people! Even with having my own therapist it is sometimes nice to hear someone else's thoughts about things.

This podcast has been you’re best one yet!!

I sometimes imagine something bad happening to me and than see myself cry, what actially is a good feeling (tough I only dream it). But when the things I imagined really happen I never cry.

I LOVE TO LISTEN !!!! Its my favourite time of the week!!!😊😊😊 Well, I do like OTDM too🤣

These make my week! Thank you!

"I guar-awn-tee" is the Cajun Chef

You are always glowing outside and inside......love that ❤️❤️❤️😘

I came here for question 4, and damn, that makes a lot of sense. I do have bpd as well

I LOVE all of those "the office" reference 😂 Thank's for another great podcast!

I need to sleep now but the question sounds really interesting so I'll definitely listen to your podcast tomorrow! I personally assume this may be more common if you've experienced trauma before than for a healthy person. So you kind of go back to what you're used to.... Or maybe because then someone can imagine to get attention (not meant in a negative way) and care from another person who sees his/her suffering. Although often that doesn't happen in real life... Interesting topic. Good night and hear you tomorrow ;-)

Hello kati and everyone its 6.27 PM in the UK I heen waiting for this new podcast and looking forward to getting my notification for this video so happy to be here again listening and watching you I'm still hoping to get a question to you on 1 of these podcast honestly still feeling stuck with lockdown anyway it's good to hear you answering people s question s again I waited all week to watch this 🙂👍

Hello, when I was younger, like 8-12, I used to imagine my mom dying in many different ways in bed before falling asleep, which usually made me cry, but eventually I felt nothing and stopped doing it. I think it's really weird, I always loved my mom, was a mommy's little boy, but now (19), I can barely stand her - she's a single mom and the boyfriend she had the longest was tyrannical and exploitative, so I now hate her for making me an unhealthy person by not being a good parent. Okay, thanks for reading this, please say something if this kind of behaviour is by any way normal.

Kati, regarding the muscle stiffness try stretches as much as you can. 49 year old here! Body aches are a daily occurrence with me. Ugh. 😃 Be well Sisters n Brothers.

kati please tell me what that dang chapstick is hahaha

I was close with all the staff all throughout my schooling and still am close with some of them and I’m also closer to people at my church more then my family

I love these videos! =) Thank you for posting.

With question 3 and letting yourself feel your emotions...sometimes I find it super helpful to audio record/video record myself venting, cause sometimes i find I just cant get my thoughts out fast enough with journalling and that really helps cause i can be like BlablablablaBLA ....stop the recording and just 😊 breathe. & then sometimes i watch it back to be like whyd I feel that so hard? Or sometimes I just let it go. Both work for me 😂🥰

Thank you Katie this is not boring

there must be something about men named Sean! I've been with my partner (also named Sean) for almost two years, and I've more progress towards rebuilding my sense of self than in the last 10 years!

I work on campus and o have some really supportive supervisors who I will go to to vent or talk things over with. I also I have a professor who I am really close with that o will talk to. Sometimes I like having someone older to talk to but I will almost never go to my parents. That have proved themselves unworthy

It bothers me that people invade your privacy like that. It's really not ok. I know you said it's fine and you deal with it and everyone is fine but it still bothers me a lot. I love these podcasts, they feel a bit more like your videos like 6yrs ago. I kind of stopped following your videos so much when I got a full time job but have dipped in and out, I only realised the other day that your website is no longer a thing. You probably don't remember me but we used to chat a little bit in like 2013/2014. Anyway, thanks for these podcasts!

My late step father and late mother I vent to.

Great episode! I have to suggest you put some ice on your shoulder for about 20 minutes to help with the pain. Stretching it gently, like you did with the self hug, would be helpful also. (Worked in hospital for years). Can't help myself, lol.

Whoever is the subject form. Whoever does whatever to whomever.

i was really close with my teacher my senior year and I also am close with one of my past professors

"That feels good but it also hurts my shoulder" 😂😅 Love hurts...get better soon! ❤️🍀

Hi Kati, I was wondering if it's weird to bring a list of struggles you're having lately with you to your first therapy appointment? In anticipation for the first meeting I keep thinking of lots of different things I want to talk about, and to keep it all straight I've been writing them down. Now that I have my list I'm feeling a bit self conscious about brining it and reading it off to her after we've just met. What do you think about this? Thanks😊

i hope you feel better!

I work rotating 24 hour shifts... Try remembering what day it is on my schedule. It’s even worse now because the traffic is the same both weekdays and weekends to remind you😂 Happy Quarantine!😊

I have a cuddly heatable teddy bear that I snuggle when I need a hug.

How do you learn to identify and in return learn to feel emotions when you’re in mid 30’s? I was thought my whole life not to cry, even as a girl. If you’re not bleeding you don’t need to be crying. No wonder I developed mental habits I did... so now here I am emotionally blank, 20 years in and of therapy and saying “I don’t know” to everything.

I don't have anyone to vent to which is one of my problems gah

I wish my therapist would have asked this many questions. She never asked anything, so we never talked about anything...

Guarantee is from Justin Wilson. Creole cook/comedian

Had another interruption on my already physically and mentally exhausting mind...we are all having a tough time.

38:57 PBS chef darling, and delightful Cajun, Justin Wilson :)

22:34 subtitles... ha. but what if there (out there?) exists parallel simulation in which Kati likes to bully and because of software bug subtitles from video of mean version of Kati appeared here?

I talk to my teacher about a lot about stuff that I have never told my mother and father. I also think if they let or like to listen I would do it.

Do you still get sad about your dad? I miss my late fiancé of seven years still.