Just divorce her Jerry.... and move on

It looked like Jerry was going to cry, I don't think this is the life he imagined.

“I’m not responsible for his feelings” seems like a sugarcoated way of saying “I don’t care about his feelings”. He’s obviously unhappy with the situation

Heidi doesn't like her husband , let's be honest here . She doesn't even want to be in same room as him

2:15 Erm...how can you be married to someone and then say that their loneliness isn’t your responsibility. Divorce him and then you can say that truthfully

Heidi just seems like a selfish, manipulative person to me. Gretchen is just in it out of apathy and social brownie points. Jerry is the only one even capable of suffering a loss in this relationship.

All I see is pain in Jerrys eyes.

my heart hurts for jerry

Ugh. You can see the pain in Jerry's face. Being told so condescendingly by his wife, whom he obviously loved, "go to bed, you look tired" -- in other words, get out of here so I can be with my boyfriend. It's like watching a mom talk to a little child. And then her comment about "I'm not responsible for his happiness." Wow. Any spouse who says that missed the part about "love, honor, and cherish," and always wanting the best for your significant other. What a selfish, narcissistic woman.

Not responsible for his happiness? Okay but you're supposed to contribute to it.

Looks like Jerry's getting the short end of the stick.

“Because we are not hierarchical ...” almost all sentences starting with that are lies, get out Jerry.

Jesus Jerry get the hell out of there! For your own mental health. Your wife has nothing but contempt for you!

I can't help but see that Jerry looks incredibly unhappy

Awww Jerry needs a hug and a monogamous relationship

I’ve known 5 different poly couples over a 30 year span. Always the same scenario.. one person threatens to leave if their previously monogamous partner doesn’t “ give them “ a second sexual partner. Never seen it be good for anyone but the alpha-egotist who broke up the first relationship. Great in theory but rarely in real life.

The meek voice, the veiling, self repressive smile that covers the declaration that he suffered anxiety (and no doubt other negative effects) to re-frame the heartbreak (trauma) of the person he idolises and loves, being with someone else. The almost scripted language he uses when explaining the principles around the his wife's choices, Jerry seems to have lost his self esteem entirely. His agreement with the situation suggests he has been coerced and probably gas-lit along the way, his sense of self possessed by his wife whose passive control over him is clear to see. Wouldn't be surprised if she's a covert narcissist. Poor Jerry. If he is truly happy and at peace by his own definitions, so be it. If not, I hope he wakes sooner rather than later.

Look at how broken Jerry is, I wish I could meet him so I could tell him to grow some balls and leave. I sincerely hope Jerry finds happiness and I'll be thinking about him for a while after this. Just imagine your soulmate loving somebody else more than they love you and them being blatantly happier with that other person, it must break your soul. Polyamorous relationships make a mockery of the sanctity or marriage, those vows you take are vows you really are supposed to mean and many do not. Sad.

"His loneliness is not my responsibility" then step out of that relstionship and do not drag him along like dead wood.

Felt bad for Jerry. At the end he was pretty much offering himself up for a three some with his wife and Joe, but she was like nope, it's not my responsibility to make you happy. Yet it's Jerry's responsibility to let you swan off into bed with Joe if that keeps you happy? Heidi just came across as selfish.

That guy is broken

I don't want to be judgmental but . . . .

What is in it for Jerry and the other wife? Like wouldn’t they be better off letting the other two do their thing and find new relationships that actually fulfill their needs? 🧐

I have an incredibly strong feeling that if Jerry decided to pursue his desires and bring home another woman, Heidi would NOT be happy with it. Even though Jerry wouldn't be doing it for Heidi, "he does it for Jerry." This is because Heidi is greedy and too selfish to commit to her husband, who she knows loves her too much to leave.

What do you say to the person you love most in the world when they say they have feelings for someone else? BYE!

I've noticed that the primary motives for all parties involved (except Jerry) say why this relationship benefits them. But Jerry is thinking about the other person more than himself. Which is great in a mono relationship, but in a poly one it can be taken advantage of.

Jerry is a friggen sweetheart... I’m so hurt for him

"I want an open marria-" *divorce

Poor Jerry. I don’t think he’s happy, he’s just putting up with it because he doesn’t want to lose her...

This is the Jerriest Jerry of all the Jerries - Rick Sanchez.

Okay I know this is just a heavily edited three minute montage, but on first impressions I really have a hard time believing that Jerry is remotely okay with this. He's just afraid of being alone and knows he has no bargaining power in the relationship. The fact that she would claim she's not responsible for her husband's feelings is despicable, frankly. She can obviously see that what she's doing is deeply hurting him, she just doesn't care. Jerry needs to work up some self respect and leave her.

"I'm not responsible for your feelings" always means "I will do what I want regardless of your feelings" When two people are in a mutually considerate bond, they share responsibility for each other's well being. It's part of the bond and having empathy, things that seem to be lacking in these arrangements. That one guy is s A sad sight indeed. I can't imagine finding myself in that situation and trying to convince myself that I was ok with it. Yikes.

why did Jerry say it in the third person like that

I’ve yet to find a single poly relationship that didn’t consist of it’s members engaging in abuse-levels of selfishness, chronic alcohol or drug abuse, and/or severe mental illness.

2:00 I see a scenario. Jerry stops financially supporting you. Yea, I imagine you wouldn't be so keen on Joe then.

Dearest Jerry, you can do way better than your present over sexed over needy narcissistic wife, you just need to tell her to leave and find someone who will love and adore ONLY you. Best wishes to you 👌🏼

"I'm not responsible for X's feelings." That seems to be the default position of a lot of polyamorous couples I hear (or at least that of the partner who suggested the arrangement). And it's true, we can't assume total responsibility for someone's feelings, that would be absurd. However we can & do greatly influence them for better or worse. And causing someone who loves us above all others to feel betrayed and hurt, and yet not to feel any sense of moral responsibility puts you in my opinion in serious risk of being mistaken for a sociopath / malignant narcissist.

It's all fun and games till Jerry shows up with a .44 magnum

Doesn’t look like the healthiest family for the little kid to stay with ...

Well we know polygamous societies are way more violent and unequal and more depressed. Will see how this works out

This whole "I'm not judging" culture we've created is messed up, man. There are moral standards we need to uphold as human beings. We're more than just animals, for crying out loud. "Evolutionary biology" doesn't/shouldn't override our ability to see things for what they really are. Nor should we keel over just because someone arbitrarily decided it is the unforgivable sin to judge other people's actions. We're destroying our possibility of a brighter and better future. Maybe, I'm just being overly idealistic but still. This is wrong, mate. I feel for Jerry but he's enabling this as well. Guy needs to stand up and put his foot down, at least for the sake of his kid.

Jerry is gonna be suicidal in a few years. Poor guy, you can see the depression in his eyes clear as day.

Jerry just divorce her , I feel sorry for you dude

I feel sorry for Jerry

Selfish, selfish people. Someone is bound to be hurt. How about the children? Sheesh! I do t mean to be judge mental but..... yeah I do! F that! What about the dang kids people? When do they get to choose?

Am I the only one whose stomach churned at this?! Jerry please get some self respect and divorce her.

paul Joseph watson anyone ?

I hope the public reaction to this made Heidi realizes she an abusive person. But I'm not holding my breath.

Society was fun while it lasted. This is insanity.

This looks more like wife-swapping than polyamory. If this was true polyamory, the others would care more about Jerry's feelings. Polyamory is about relationships, not just sex, and it should be satisfying for all involved.

I don't feel sad for Jerry... he admitted to knowing he is responsible for his own happiness and yet chooses to stay in this beta position of loneliness. Hopefully he can grow a pair and leave her one day.

"Goodnite, I can see how tired you are." You can tell that Heidi is a gaslighting, controlling narcissist from this statement alone.

I think polyamory can work but this is poor case to proove that gretchen and jerry arent intimate its basically joe and heidi getting all the benefits

Jerry is hurting ::(

Believe me, in a couple of years majority of people will find this normal and you will be the bad guy if you don’t support this kind of relationship because that’s how messed up the world we live in is. 🤷‍♀️

Narcissists when they discover polyamory: 😍😍😍😍

For those that don't think women are capable of significant evil this is it here.

I just watched this and my take on the entire documentary is this - a bunch of deeply troubled and unhappy people partaking in a lifestyle that only hurts them even more. Jerry in particular, he even went as far as to say he would be liking to join his wife and the other man and she instantly shut him down which to me says she really doesn't care for him anymore but is staying for the kid and her need for validation from his desire for her.

Dont worry, Jerry I love you

To me, it seems like for anyone who has been single long enough to have been attracted to more than one person at a time, polyamory is a fantasy that many people have, but the ones who dabble in it would either have to find people very early in their relationships and condition themselves to accept the dynamics - friends perhaps fall into these relationships sometimes hoping to create their own “villages” (which I think is something we lack in our current relationship arrangements). But the other circumstance where polyamory is considered is in long term relationships that have started to sour or go stale in someway. If one of the two people already have another partner in mind, rather than have a deceitful and secret affair (which is far too common anyway and often completely destroys relationships), they are honest about their need to explore other relationships and give their current relationship a chance at continuing under a new circumstance that could still be beneficial to some degree, especially where children are involved and won’t be separated from one parent in the process of a true break up. Esther Perel has an interesting theory on affairs being about an individual’s need not to experience a different partner but more to experience a different side of the self, since every person you are intimate brings out a different side of yourself. I don’t think there is one person that is more compatible for us than all the others. I think each person we could potentially have a relationship with would help us grow in certain areas but not in others. We can choose to stay faithful to one person our whole lives. We can be proud of ourselves for never being tempted to stray. It depends on one's beliefs and priorities. I don’t think polyamory is for everyone but there is obviously a subculture that it could work for in some ways. It’s easy to be critical when looking at the inside of these relationships here but dissect any monogamous relationship and you’ll see similar insecurities in some of them even without that 3rd or 4th person being involved at all. I think though for polyamory to be acceptable, the conditioning and social engineering would have to start early. And it probably will complicate things even more than how they are at present. It’s tricky enough for young people these days to know what the rules are when they first start dating. You can’t assume anything anymore but you can still assume most potential partners want a degree of exclusivity. But if that changes, it will be a very tricky dating scene to navigate. I think in theory, being allowed to have a bit of whoever you want whenever you want seems attractive, but how you go about it without hurting others would be a challenge.

I don't think I've ever seen a man so sad and broken who just let it all happen to him. You feel sorry for him, because he looks so sad, but you can't help thinking "grow a backbone you wimp".

Wtf has this world come to now

Very interesting documentary. I just finished watching. Deffinetly not a lifestyle i want for myself. Louis makes some of the best documentaries out there. I really like this more mature approach. I'm a big fan

Imagine loving someone so much, that they feel comfortable enough to ask for a poly relationship and show zero concern for your feelings.

"I am not responsibility for Jerry's feelings"...the words of a narcissist

Jerry is hanging on to Heidi any which way he can. That's no way to live. In the name of his dignity, Jerry needs to walk away. He deserves so much more than the scraps she tosses his way.

Under the veil of soft spoken, gentle Heide is a selfish person that lacks any empathy.

That awkward moment where you spot a past coworker and totally know who joe is. Holy shit Portland is full of nut bags. I knew he was married but damn didn’t know he was pulling this stunt.

While I understand that Polyamory can work for a lot of people. It doesn't take much to see that Jerry is not at all happy. I wish he had had the strength to just leave that woman and start fresh. The pain of losing "the one you love most in the world" would have been bad, but he would have eventually healed. In the situation he is in now, it seems like constant sadness for him. Seems like he doesn't believe in himself enough to imagine he might be able to do better...

You wouldn't even need to see the whole episode to know that man is emotionally abused and crushed.

Jerry seems to be forced into this. I feel bad for him.

It makes me sad when they show a picture of Jerry and Heidi when they were getting married makes me so sad that there marriage led to this

when you can't manage to get one partner for yourself never mind multiple😹

Just seems to me like Heide and Joe are just each others sexual play things, and Jerry and Grethen are just spare parts. And the worst thing is there's kids involved too, it's tragic

this is the perfect example of nice guy finishes last

These types of relationships are cancer. Most of these people will lose in the end. Gerry seems to have already lost. Sad that his sexually immoral wife took him and his family in this direction. I saw a child there...way to screw up a young child. How much you wanna bet that child will have relationship issues for the rest of their lives.

Any woman suggesting bringing another person into my relationship will be immediately dropped, without discussion. Polyamory is a disgrace and I hope such degeneracy is never normalized in society. The family unit is damaged enough without this too

Poor Jerry, and poor children, for having such an awful example of what a relationship is like.

There are fates worse than death , this is one of them.

How can she not see that she is abusing Jerry? Jerry didn't have the emotional strength to leave her so she has dragged him into an arrangement which benefits her and makes him suffer. She is a terrible, selfish person.

Jerry is not on board...

Poor Jerry...

“Because we are not hierarchical” *Proceeds to speak above the rest of the group*

that moment you have to face that the person you love the most in the world doesn't feel the same for you.

My perspective is you are responsible for impacting your spouses happiness. I felt so sad for Jerry watching this. I hope that they are all happy as things move forward.

What if polyamory feels emotionally counter-intuitive because..... it's actually a horrible idea Poly people seem to spend so much time engaged in a never-ending PR campaign for their life-style (witness Joe Harrison's spam below) it's a wonder they ever have time for their actual relationships esp. given how much of *that* time seems to revolve around 'managing' negative feelings like loneliness and jealousy. Here's a clue: if you're in a healthy, loving relationship, you don't feel jealous and/ or lonely all the time(!) My complaint with polyamory isn't that it's 'degenerate' or some other right-wing nonsense, it's that it disguises and rationalises manipulative relationship dynamics under a veneer of pseudo-therapeutic 'sex positivity'. It's ironic that the lady in the clip describes their clusterfuck relationship as 'non-hierarchical' considering the whole thing rests on a willed subordination of natural human emotions to the poly relationship structure. Jerry has to put time and effort into upholding and sustaining the relationship, but has to be 'responsible for his own feelings' i.e. deal with the negative consequences of his emotional investment alone, without support. This is an imbalance that is anything but non-hierarchical. Notice how Jerry's loneliness is implicitly attributed to his own lack of emotional management, rather than proceeding from his insecure and unfulfilled position within the relationship structure (polyamory is anti-social Thatcherite individualism as applied to the romantic realm). This is manipulative bs. For an example of the poly community's typical abuse of therapuetic jargon, see Joe Harrison's comment below in which he says that the alternative to polyamory's idealised conception of 'relationship responsibility' is co-dependency. It's not co-dependent to expect emotional support and attention from a partner. I do, however, see co-dependency in the creepy way in which Heide 'puts Jerry to bed' in the video ("Goodnight. I can see how tired you are"). If this sent off some kind of wrongness-sensor in you, it's because she's acting more like Jerry's 'mommy' than his wife. I'm not just being mean- this is significant as an example of how this relationship functions. Ask yourself, if Jerry is 'responsible for his feelings', then why does Heidi need to tell him how tired he is? Why does Joe need to inform us, again, in the comments below, that Jerry had to be reminded to 'prioritise his needs'? What is this creepy, parental tone that invariably comes up in polytalk? Here are the wheels turning: Heidi wants Jerry to go away but has to rationalise her desire for Jerry to go to bed upstairs as JERRY'S desire to go to bed upstairs, so she TELLS him what his needs are, along with the implication that if he doesn't 'fulfill them', he's not doing a good job of 'managing the relationship' or 'doing his part'. She has to do this because polyamory works by assuming all participants are on an equal playing field and that everyone's interests co-align. Theoretically, there is space in which 'issues' can be 'dealt with and discussed' i.e. excessively talked about (going nowhere) and rationalised, however, in practise, any objection with emotional substance to it will be avoided or dismissed because it's inherently threatening to the structure and nature of the relationship itself. If Jerry said "No, I don't want to go to bed. I want to sleep with you, my wife", what do you think would happen?

If Heidi doesn't feel anything when her partner Jerry hurts, that is not love and they should not be together. Nobody is responsible for anyone's feelings, but when you love someone you simply want the absolute best for them.

Weird, weird, weird. Ultimately the adults have created this awful situation...it's the kids I feel sorry for.

How Jerry isn't in prison for murdering 2 people is confusing.

What selfish narcissism to be unwilling to compromise, to make the sacrifices that lead to maturity, deeper bonds, loyalty and deeper love. This is tragic and sickening.

Oh Jerry! I think I might cry...bless him

Someone is always hurt and someone always gains

I think polyamoury only works if all parties want it from the outset. If someone's compromising then what's good about that?

It's not about love it's about narcissism.

Does Louis have any new videos? Where can I find them?

Can anyone tell me the name of the piano music at the end?

i think jerry should divorce her

This seems more like two nice spouses allowing their more selfish spouses to be self-gratifying and emotionally self-centered. The only people who seem happy are the selfish two.

Have polyam relationship i've personally witnessed has been the embodiment of the phrase "misery loves company"

Upload Louis Theroux's videos on KZfaq. I live in Sweden and they are not available here. bs