Julie and I discuss the importance of breaking the cycle of over-parenting and how to work towards raising capable and self-competent adults. Julie introduces the audience to various parental behaviors such as the overprotective parent, the fiercely directive parent, and the concierge parent. All with their own characteristics, Julie explicitly paints a picture of how each of these behaviors hinders a child’s ability to learn, perform, and succeed on their own for their betterment now and in the future. Julie strives to help parents shatter these walls and lead them towards a healthier relationship with themselves and their children for years to come.
Julie Lythcott-Haims is the New York Times bestselling author of the anti-helicopter parenting manifesto How to Raise an Adult. Julie believes in humans and is deeply interested in what gets in our way. Her TED Talk on the subject has more than 5 million views, and in 2020 she became a regular contributor with CBS This Morning on parenting. Her second book is the critically-acclaimed and award-winning prose poetry memoir Real American, which illustrates her experience as a Black and biracial person in white spaces. Her third book, Your Turn: How to Be an Adult, will be out in April 2021. Julie is a former corporate lawyer and Stanford dean who holds a BA from Stanford, a JD from Harvard, and an MFA in Writing from California College of the Arts. Julie serves on several boards for organizations doing meaningful work in the world and is a mother of young adult children.
Episode Highlights:
Overparenting
- Three distinct behaviors
A parent can be doing one, two, or all of these
* The Overprotective Parent: always afraid of what could happen and always keep an eye on them
* The Fiercely Directive Parent: “You will be a doctor.” It gives a child the feeling that they are only loved “when” they achieve these achievements set by their parents
* The Concierge: Takes care of everything, makes sure you don’t ever slip up or forget something, will argue for you to your teacher, or even boss
- Parents, work out what and why certain things are triggers for your fears and anxiety with your child
Learned Helplessness
- The idea that no matter what you do it will not change the outcome
* i.e. I have learned to be helpless and rely on others to make things happen for me in order for them to work out
4-Step Method To Teach Your Child A Skill
- To watch a KZfaq video illustration narrated by Julie, click here
* First, you do it for them
* Second, you do it with them
* Third, you watch them do it
* Fourth, they can do it independently
- Those with children who have special needs can take these same steps
- You may spend more time on some of the steps than usual but this order is still applicable
Life’s Beautiful F Words
- Failing
- Falling
- Floundering
- Fumbling
The Importance of Chores
- Having your child participate in doing chores and contributing to the family as a team will help them in the short and long-term
- They will learn to build personal responsibility, accountability, consequences and develop their work ethic
- They will become more desirable in the workforce with these skills
Where to learn more about Julie Lythcott-Haims…
- JulieLythcottHaims.com
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