RE: the first topic… A friend of mine recently found out that all 3 siblings from their family were conceived from a donor (the same donor) and that their dad is not their bio dad (due to infertility). All siblings are adults and have their own family now. Their parents decided not to tell them, because 30+ years ago it wasn’t so common to openly talk about getting pregnant by a donor. Now, all 3 siblings were incredibly upset and the whole family is fighting. So………. tell your kids the truth. It doesn’t matter if they immediately understand the whole issue or not, at least you won’t be stuck later with the stigma of being a liar. Yoou have to trust your kids in order to win their trust as well.

a rare AITA where the person isn't the asshole looking for validation, the audience made it clear that they aren't an asshole even thought they disagree, and the person still accepted the advice, beautiful

I spent the first 17 years of my life being an idiot and talking about "before my parents got divorced." finally, after my cousin almost spilled the beans, my mom admitted she had never even been married to my dad, and everyone else knew except for me. she was just ashamed and thought i would think less of her. i didn't, but i still hold some resentment that she didn't tell me the truth for so long.

I have an almost 9YO child and a 4YO child, and we've always had discussions in an age-appropriate way about things like sexual orientation, gender, racism, sexism, etc since they were toddlers because I think it's crucial for them to learn about it while they're young. When my best friend came out as trans non-binary a couple years ago there was no confusion for them because they'd already learned that some people feel differently than the label they were assigned when they were born.

I was adopted by a lesbian couple. I grew up knowing I was adopted and grew up in the lgbtq community. I never thought it was “weird”

The OP said he's not in contact with his family. There's a good possibility that it's because he's trans, so him saying he wants to be seen as a "normal guy" probably has to do with unresolved trauma and any internalize transpohobia from his upbringing.

I didn't come out as a trans woman until I was 50. Long story. But my two sons, 14 and 16 at the time have been some my biggest supporters. Peace, strength, love and many many blessings to anyone struggling. You are loved and you are enough. Whatever you decide to do. The entire LBGTQIA+ community is standing with you. 🌈💜🏳️‍⚧️💜🏳️‍🌈💜🏳️‍⚧️🌈 Edit: also Jamie is going to make a great dad!

I was adopted, and I knew the word "adopted" literally years before I ever knew the meaning. I never, ever once had an issue about it, and I have always felt that the people that adopted and raised me are my "real" parents. A very close friend of mine was also adopted, but his parents chose not to tell him until he was 13, when he could "understand". He never forgave them, has questioned his identity his entire life, and upturned his whole world to try find his "real" parents. I am 60 now, and he is 57. Both his parents and mine are long since dead, and it makes me sad for him that he is still angry. In my opinion, understanding will come if the truth is not withheld.

Growing up my two siblings and I all thought we were blood related and had the same parents. It wasn’t until my older brother was 30 that we learned he has a different bio dad- a man none of us has ever met. It didn’t change our sibling relationship- but our trust with our parents was shattered. They had gone to such lengths to hide this from us that they even lied about their wedding anniversary to fit my older brother into the story better. His relationship with either of them has never been the same and it’s been 6 years. Point being- don’t hide things like this from your kid- the longer it goes the worse the reaction will be. Not to the facts, but because of the prolonged lie.

My brother knew I was trans when he was 5 years old He is now very transphobic Most of that is due to parents and our significant age gap making us not hang out much In conclusion, if you tell a kid you're trans, make sure those around that kid are on board and accepting.

I’m a big fan of the idea that a kid should not be able to remember when they were told something like this. It should be something they always know. It’s far easier for the kids and the parents if the kid knows that all their life, rather than a big reveal at some point when they’re going to have feelings about it, on top of the knowledge that they’ve been lied to.

I taught at an afterschool program where I went by a silly name and not my given name (think like 'Professor Doctor Jumpingbeans'), but I'd have a name tag with my legal name on it every time I signed in to the schools. Now, I'm trans, and I don't go by my legal name. I didn't then either, but one day a girl who was maybe seven or eight saw my name tag and asked if that was my "real name." To which I answered "only legally". She asked me what that meant, and I told her something along the lines of when I was born someone wrote a name down without even asking my opinion on the matter! I was being goofy as that was a part of my job, but the way her face lit up and the way she asked, "What's your *REAL* name?" Like she had been let in on some magnificent secret... At the time, I only winked, but kids have this immense sense of wonder and acceptance. Well. Most of the time.

I still remember when my son was around nine years old, and he saw me watching a music video from the Australian comedy band Axis of Awesome. One of the band members transitioned from male to female midway through their career (Jordan,) and my son had seen me watching their stuff prior to then, and this video was the first he had seen post-Jordan's transition. He looked momentarily confused and said "Why is that one dressed as a girl, mum?" So I just honestly explained to him about being transgender, and how Jordan now matched on the outside how she'd always felt on the inside and she was finally living her life the way she really wanted to. His response was to nod sagely and say "Oh. Cool!" So yeah... kids 'get it' way better than a lot of adults do.

As someone who found out they were adopted in their 20s, just tell your kids. Knowing I was adopted didn't change a single thing. But knowing my family was capable of that kind of deciet nearly destroyed me.

Yeah, of course the dad wasn't the asshole. He just had some concerns and insecurities he needed to work through first. Glad he did and is going to tell his daughter! ☺️

I came out Xmas of 2020. That was my Xmas present to myself, being true to me. I texted my older brother about it, and his only response was, "No." When I finally came out to the rest of my family, I was worried about what they would say. My mother and aunt were loving but not exactly supportive. Auntie has come around lately and is putting in a lot more effort to talk about me as her nephew. My mother, however, disowned me last August. The real support I had when I first came out was my daughter, who was 8 when I came out, and her dad. My daughter was so thrilled to help me with my transition, asking me the right way to address me and making sure I felt loved and cared about. Fast forward to now, I have 3 kids, a boyfriend, and my ex's girlfriend, who all love, care about, and respect me as a guy. My bio daughter even came up with different dad titles to differentiate between her dad, me (Papa), and my boyfriend (Vader). I've never felt so loved and seen before, and I'm so happy that I found my family like this. And I'd never change any of this for the world.

My fiancee and I are planning on having children, and we have discussed her coming out as trans to them at length. Since we would be seen as a same-sex couple, obviously there will be questions from them on how they were conceived, we can conceive without medical assistance. We also feel like our truth is also their truth since it is something that will be included in their life story.

Telling kids as early as possible is really the best option. I came out and the first person I talked to about it was my then 11 year old son. It was important to me that he understand, be comfortable with the process, and be prepared for other people's reactions. He was 100% my strongest supporter at every step while at the same time just not caring. A funny comment from him was after one of my maybe overly regular check ins, "How are you feeling? Any questions? Any concerns?" He asked me, "Do you want me to care more? Am I supposed to be upset? I don't really care. Is that okay?" (This wasn't sarcastic. He can be very heartfelt about things.) I assured him that not caring is totally okay. And from then on I calmed down on checking in so often.

I think you're right that shame or insecurity can play a part in keeping a secret like that. I think there can also be an aspect of denial - as long as nobody knows my secret I can pretend it's not true. It's definitely healthier to be honest if you can, and if it safe for you to do so.

As a preschool teacher who is non binary, I come out to kids and educate them on gender basically every time I meet someone new. Let me tell you, kids are so accepting and loving and pure. The only reason kids show hate is because they have been shown hate themselves. I have hope for the future generations ❤

i recently came out to my parents and siblings. they're supportive even though i feel like they don't really understand. but it doesn't feel good to be honest. it causes me a lot of anxiety. i feel like now they actually have access to my real identity and personality and the relationships i have with them started to feel more real all of the sudden. I don't even want to leave my room, i try to avoid talking to anyone. i need time to get used to it myself. it's weird because I've never seen anyons have this experience

One of my best friends and her husband had to use a donor to have their daughter. They told her when she was very young that "Mommy and Daddy needed some help to bring you home" and have been honest with her about that from the get-go. She doesn't think it's weird at all.

I was working at daycare for about a year, and at some point a little girl had asked me if i was a boy or a girl, and i just said that i don’t really know, I‘m somewhat both. She said ok and left again. Now when other kids asked she was the one to proudly announce I‘m neither and they could choose. (That’s what i told her) but i haven’t really thought about it until now. They really didn’t care, just said ok and moved on. No further questions. Makes me happy to think about that.

I came out as trans to my familiy last year. My younger cousins are seven and five years old. I told them that they could ask me anything they wanted about being trans, however their parents said that they probably are too young to understand. Truth is they still call me by my deadname. My aunt corrects them tho. So yeah, it heavily depence on the maturity of the kids but I'm happy for you that you had no problems.

the person if FTM and has a husband, so a gay couple, but is afraid of not looking like a "normal" guy, that ship has already sailed, but i definitely understand being afraid the kid can tell it to other people unprompted because kids do that a lot, but assume most people that would have a problem with you being trans already has a problem with you being gay too, so i would tell for the good of the relationship with the child

Jammi! Todays my HRT readiness appointment! I’m so excited! I’ll hopefully be close to being diagnosed !

As a trans person who is also an adoptee, thank you for speaking to disclosing to children early. I have many friends who are adoptees who were never told and found out well into adulthood. Thank you for being understanding of the nuances around this topic. :)

Based off of my experience: I’m 18 and nonbinary. When I was younger, my father (who’s honestly very homophobic and transphobic) didn’t let us come to a wedding for my uncles who had just gotten married at the time. Like even now I feel resentment for him not letting me go, because I feel like I would’ve been able to understand my sexuality a lot earlier. (I’m bi too lol) Edit: that being said, I understand where the trans husband is coming from. At the same time- I also agree with Jamie. I believe that it would be best to tell younger children about sexuality and gender so they can be more accepting. Tbh, I would tell my half-sister about my gender, but as my dad is very transphobic, I don’t want to not be able to see my little sister because of my father somehow finding out. Either way though, when I go home for break- I’m def going to have a conversation about my sexuality w her, because I know my father is conservative asf- so I want to make sure she’s accepting of others. (And if she realizes that she identifies differently from how she was afab, or if she isn’t straight, I want her to to know I’m here for her :))

It's not about being trans, sorry, but when I was in my early teens my dad told me that he tried it with another guy, because they really liked eachother and wondered if they liked eachother *that way* Turns out they were both straight so no, and they went back to listening to their records (it was the 70's) and were still besties. Because they tried, it didn't work, but they still loved eachother, just in a bff way. And that is why I came out to my dad first, I just called me him and told him "dad I'm Pansexual" he responded something like "ok cool", and then we spent an hour talking about comic books. So I think it's very varied experiences.

My daughter grew up knowing that her grandma is my dad. She’s 8 now. She asks questions about it sometimes but she understands and accepts her. And I found out when I was 10 and was very proud of her since then. So no, children are not too young to learn about this. P.S. She transitioned when I was 10 and we agreed that I could refer to her as my dad because that’s who she is to me. I still do my best to respect her identity and pronouns.

When my fiancee came out to her immediate family as trans, her brother and sister-in-law sat down our niblings (5 & 7 at the time) and told them that she feels like a girl instead of a boy and wants to be called this now. They got a little upset, but mostly because they were calling her the wrong name before and no one told them. Kids understand more than we think, and I also think it's better to introduce them to things earlier so they don't get biased by culture

I definitely feel like a bunch of his concerns are due to internalized transphobia/past trauma with coming out. It feels like he's dealt with people leaving him because he's trans, and now he's scared of his daughter leaving him for the same reason. His daughter seems like a big part of his life and he doesn't want to lose her. He was letting his fears control him, but I'm glad he worked past that. I personally can't put myself in his shoes because I will be unable to hide that I'm trans from my future kids as I'm nonbinary and they will notice that I'm referred to with "different" pronouns than other people. However, I do understand the fear of nonacceptance. It's the reason why I've not come out to anyone outside of my friends despite being a couple months from turning 18. All I can really say is that sometimes, you've just got to take a leap of faith. I'm not planning on hiding who I am to please my family, I'm just waiting until I can take that leap from a lower cliff

❤🧡💛💚💙💜🏳️‍🌈 Daily reminder; You are valid and amazing just the way you are! 🏳️‍🌈❤🧡💛💚💙💜

I figured out I was non-binary about 6 months ago and I told my older kids (8 and 4) right away. (The baby is too young to get anything, but I tell him Mommy is a "they/them" and I'll explain when he's old enough to understand gender.) They totally got it and it was fine. Great, in fact. They took it in stride. Sometimes I have to remind them since I'm femme presenting, but it's literally been no big deal and they even correct people that I'm Mx. Last name. And even though it's gendered, Mom is still my favorite pronoun. Tell your kids. It'll be okay.

One of my parents came out as a trans woman when I was around 4 years old and my brother was 6 or 7. I have been asked many times over the course of my life how I coped with it or if it was difficult, and honestly I find it quite funny when people ask. At that age you are way more able to accept things as just being the way they are without making judgements, because your idea of "normal" is yet to be fixed. If anything, I am incredibly grateful for having been exposed to all kinds of different people due to growing up in such an accepting household. It has saved me from having to do a lot of unlearning later on!

I came out as trans almost three months ago, but my parents refuse to use she/her pronouns for me, because according to them, “this is their transition too”. I’ve thought about my gender identity (and procrastinated coming out) for three years. My parents told me they might just need an additional three years to “come to terms” with it. …what.

I'm NB, and since the beggining with my kid I referred to myself as a 'person/human' and taught her about not assuming gender, and that went really smooth. At 6-7 she read about trans people like Laverne Cox in a women's biography book and in school they talked about lgtb+ matters and asked about it. Just as explained about non binary, she sat a moment to think and said "oh, like you!" And that was it, no judgement or confusion, since that was what she has seen all her life :)

Something that I always go by when thinking about explaining stuff to kids, is that it's always better to help them step into the shallows than see someone else shove them into the deep end.

I'm a teaching assistant at primary school. When the class (5-7 year olds) was doing a history topic on their family and background, everyone was encouraged to bring in photos from when they were younger, and the staff did too. Having discussed it with their class teacher first, I brought in some photos of me as a kid, not presenting male like I do now, and explained that 'when I was little, everyone used to think I was a girl- even I did! When I got bigger, I realised that wasn't right, and told everyone we'd got it wrong' . The kids were surprised at first and definitely interested, but totally accepting. I linked it back to 'history is about what changes, and what stays the same' and the lesson moved on. Five minutes, tops. It's very possible (and good!) to explain queer topics to children, even young children, in age-appropriate terms, and now those kids won't be confused or feel negative about the idea when they hear about it again later in their lives.

OMG! I saw the video where he told Shaaba's sisters, has it really been that long? When he said how old they were all I can think is "No way they are that old"

Thanks Jamie. as one who is a transgender male asexual who was born out adultery and adopted when i got told i was adopted i was more worried about whether I was going to be accepted because I am transgender male asexual. So I think it's good to be open about both being transgender and adoption. :) PS happy world pride from sydney australia. my church got into mardi gras to protest for transgender rights. watch out for us "CLACCA Universal Life Church"- No pride in religious transphobia! Equality without exemption!" PPS I quoted you to ABC TV when I got interviewed about our transgender mardi Gras church protest float." I just said, "As my UK trans friend jamie would say, "sometimes the straights are not ok." and the ABC TV journalist loved it.

i'm glad the guy decided to tell his daughter! makes me happy when these things have a good resolution :) there can definitely be many concerns and worries for trans ppl surrounding telling their kids, but i know if i adopt any i'll be telling them, and this was nice too see as a sort of reminder of how open-minded kids can be and how it's good it tell them

Big family 'secrets' don't work and they always come out. It happened to me. I was adopted, and that was fine, I knew that from a very young age, and I was totally fine with it. I was never remotely interested in searching for a birth mother or whatever. Much to my disgust, I found out when I was 16 that my birthmother was my eldest sister, and that my mother was in fact my grandmother. What disgusted me was that it suddenly explained why every family gathering for my whole growing up turned into an unpleasant bicker-fest, and always felt like it ended up with me in trouble for some reason I never understood. Yeah. Don't keep family secrets. It was a lot of years for me to forgive them for it (I'm 55 now). Not trans-related, I know, but they really messed up my early life with this nonsense. I know in 1967 an illigitimate child was a big 'shame', but honestly, most of my mother's hang-ups were about 'what will people think' and not 'what do my family think and how shitty does it make them feel'. This still makes me feel angry to a point. My sister who is my birth-mother is 73 and struggles with huge mental health problems, a lot of which surrounded what happened and the choices she was forced to make.

As a donor conceived person, I think your take is so good! I've always known I was a DC kid, and that meant for me its never been a big deal or weird, but I know many of us who found out when they were adults for whom their entire world crumbled and their sense of identity was super shaken. So many donor conceived kids have trouble with this, and I can imagine this goes for anything regarding your parents and your place in their life-- the feeling of being lied to, that's what makes it hurt the most. Children understand shit, they really do. I was told probably before I could even walk, and it's never been weird for me. There's books about explaining donor conception to kids as young as two or three, it really doesn't have to be something big and scary to do, as long as you explain it in terms that are understandable to them ^_^

The person who didn't want to share their trans identity until their child was 10 will likely reconsider along the way, I think. My son is now 9 (going on 19) and will be fully 10 in 4 months... I can't imagine him not knowing since it's been such a breath of fresh air that he does. So far, he is just cis and straight as far as we know. One thing that did kind of make me laugh is that he's kind of got this gender abolitionist take now. We asked how he would feel if someone misgendered him and used she/her pronouns for him and he said "the pronouns they call me aren't who I am" so if you can imagine such a small human thinking up such big amazing things and how proud you'll be to see that they REALLY get it.. ahhh kids are awesome. Especially mine. 😂 Edit: for clarity, my son expresses that he can empathize with dysphoria and that to me was just a really proud moment. He's said more about it at other choice moments and it's just really apparent that he is critically thinking about how it feels to be misgendered and how important it is to just be who you are regardless of what other people think. And most importantly that who somebody is, and who he is, isn't dependent upon anyone else's opinion or approval. Thats so important for kids to understand, I think.

Openness with your children is critically important for building and maintaining their trust. I have some friends whose parents kept secrets from them their whole lives. When they found out, they were devastated and it was very hard to trust their parents ever again. So, yes, tell your kids as soon as they’re old enough to talk about it. Be open, honest, and truthful.

I fully agree with you. Children are like books with blank pages. They learn and understand much more than most adults think. My mother was so close-lipped about herself, I didn't know she had a sister and brother until I was an adult. Currently, I have 3 children, ages 53, 49 and 29. The youngest is trans F-M, the 49-year-old is a gay woman with a long-term relationship. The oldest one is nothing like either of the others or like myself. Nuf said!

i always agree with your takes on topics. as a trans guy whos not sure if he wants to be a parent or not it was actually interesting and useful to watch this video

I came out to my sisters when they were 9 and 6, and they were entirely adorable and understanding in their response (and excited to have a big brother lol) ❤

i am really happy about this video, it was a great topic that you picked and a great train of thought about it. i too think that logically he "should" tell his daughter about his transition, but feelings can not be forced, a.k.a. one can't force people to be brave enough to do something

It's an interesting thing, definitely. I don't think most of my younger cousins (under 13 or so; I came out about a decade ago so they don't remember) know I'm trans; if I saw them more often they probably would, but we don't see each other all that frequently (a few times a year) and it doesn't tend to... come up, in conversation? I know one of them asked about the pictures of me when I was little that are still up in my grandparents' house, and was told that I liked to dress that way when I was young; that's true, but incomplete. (Had I been there, I might have given a more complete answer, but my aunt didn't want to just, like, out me without my permission, so. Completely understandable, I appreciate that.) Maybe they should know, but it doesn't feel like a Great Big Secret when I'm a cousin they see a few times a year rather than an immediate family member. If I ever have kids, *they'll* probably know, though; there are parts of my childhood that just don't make sense without that context, and I wouldn't want to constantly be censoring myself.

UPLOADED EIGHT SECONDS AGO??? GOOD LORD...

Because I am a bigender man/enby not seeking medical transition, explaining to my kids that I am trans is vital because I am fairly certain that adults in their lives will assume that I am their mom instead of their dad and they will probably be confused if I don’t tell them

As someone who was adopted I think genuinely the younger you tell your kids the better. I was told I was adopted so young I do not remember a point where I didn't know. My birth mom created a book for me. My mom had books for adopted children to understand that my adopted parents didn't love me less but they had to give me up because they loved me and my parents love me just the same. I never once have felt wrong or out of place because of this. It was presented as this is the fact of the matter. It doesn't make me any less of a person. Or any less loved. And I never had any ill will twords my parents for adopting me or giving up. No I don't think ops an asshole. But yes I believe he should tell his children

I came out to my little sister when she was 7 and she was the most supportive one in my whole family- she’d always correct my parents on name and pronouns when they got them wrong and it meant the world to me

I mean, at some point the daughter will notice the T, or possibly the scars (if there are any), or will hear something (like a conversation with a doctor to schedule pap smear or something), and she will feel lied to, and THAT would sting. So good call, I'm glad they decided to tell her.

He's not an asshole, just a little insecure, and who can blame him if he was rejected by his parents. I don't have kids, because I don't even feel grown up yet at 44, but I know the times my parents withheld information from me for a reason or another have left me a huge fear of being left out from the loop, and sometimes it's hard to trust other people. Of course, I only know about my family secrets because I listened, searched the drawers and connected the dots. Kids will find out eventually, but the sooner you tell, the less dramatic it will be. They'll be fine, at least until puberty. That being said, I'm semi closeted myself, and I know it's ridiculous, because I have loving parents. It ain't easy coming out.

I’m so sorry to hear about this man’s struggles and hope, with the support of his husband, he can open up to his child soon. Kids are much smarter and more capable of processing information than we give them credit for. I hope my kids and I can keep pushing each other to become better people. My kids have already pushed me much farther out of my little anxiety bubble than I’ve ever been.

I strongly disagree if I could pass I would and I would never ever tell anyone. Being trans is dangerous and being visibly trans is DANGEROUS! I’m paycheck to paycheck btw and often just don’t eat bc I’d rather starve than be homeless so this comes from a place of fear too and I think that’s valid, fear and personal worry keeps us safe Love your videos and your channel, glad you dedicated so much time to this one story I have strong feelings on it too apparently

I can relate in the sense of coming from the adoption community. I was adopted as a baby (5 days old) because my birth mother and father didn't stay together. They tried living together, and just couldn't make it work. They were desperately in love, but knew it wasn't meant to be, and wanted to give me a life that I deserved. I was told about being adopted from the beginning of my memory. It was never a big revelation, it was just another way to have a family. Some parents give birth to their children, and some parents adopt their children. I have NEVER felt less than to my family. All of my aunts and uncles, my grandparents on both sides, extended cousins and what have you, have ALWAYS treated me as part of the family because I am. And I think that needs to be applied to this situation as well. Some men are born with the wrong parts, and socialized in the wrong way as children, and the same to some women. People go through hell throughout their lives to discover who they are, and part of normalizing things like adoption and the LGBT community is to just accept that some people, and some families have different trajectories to become who they are. We have to de-mysticize the idea of transness and just say 'well yeah, he was raised as a girl, but that doesn't mean he was a girl! He just had a different path to become a man, and that's fine.' The daughter in the story clearly understands that the man from the TV was brave and wonderful for living as who he was, and hiding information about your family only creates problems in the long run.

5:05 On this all, im all for folks bein allowed to be stealth and that includes stealth to those closest to them; but i cud nvr imagine that scenario for myself and id feel like TA for wantin to hide this part of me from ppl i care about

Thank you for talking about this! I came out as a trans woman last year and have been asking myself this question and what would be the best thing to do. I don't have any children now, but I would want to tell them instead of them finding out. I'd love to see you make more videos on topics like this and on the r/AITA subreddit!

I absolutely love this. ❤️ your idea to do this, doing this, how you spoke about it all.... you are such a beautiful soul

I feel like I really wanted to say something because I've been watching these videos for a long time and they've been an incredible help to my jorney and where I am today by bringing me confort, happyness and somewhat hope. I feel like I've cracked my shell and it's better than being in denial about myself. It took time and emotional turmoil, but I finally have a consultation soon that might finaly bring me to a top surgery I should have realized I needed long ago, so, thank you for your support on my jorney

I totally wanna see Charlotte And Jammi do a collab on AITA 😭😭 I know they are so far away from each other but it would be so lovely Edit: thank you to all the kind people helping me figure out my sexuality. I'm now pretty sure I'm bisexuall and it's such a relief to know what's what, so to say

I also feel like the longer a parent waits to tell their child something like this, the more opportunity is given for bigotry to sneak into their head from their peers or teachers or other outside sources.

As an adoptee who was also told at 3yrs old I totally agree that that's the way to go. I don't remember learning I was adopted, I just have known for as long as I can remember.

One thing I know as on old and wise-ish woman is that not telling children the truth early on, whether they're small children or nearly adults, leads to misery. Leaving telling the truth (whatever that truth may be) for years leads to mistrust and recriminations. Children are far more accepting and sensible than they're given credit for. One of my siblings was a twin and didn't find out her twin died at birth until she was in her thirties. It was something all the adults (relatives and family friends) knew but was never mentioned to the children.

It probably says more about me and my issues [g] that my gut reaction was, If you tell your child yourself, it will be harder for others to weaponize it against them. It takes the sting out of a mean kid saying, "YOUR dad used to be a GIRL!" if the child can shout back, "I know that, do you think I'm stupid?"

Jamie I just wanted to say I love how you worded your opinion on the question and your thoughts about telling someone something like that when they are younger. It's why I'm struggling with finding out I'm autistic, as my mom kept it from me as a kid. I found out when she spilled the beans in an argument and said she knew I was at age 6 and kept it from me. I'm 35 now.

From a very young age I knew that my oldest siblings had a different dad and that my dad was my mum’s second husband. I also was taught that since my parents got married after my older brother and I were born, that some people would be judgmental about that. Including their families. My mum was also almost 40 when she had me and considered “too old”. I’m almost 19 now and my parents are separated planning to divorce and dating other people. My stepparents have been in my life for a while now and I love them both because they make my parents happy. All of this stuff was tough to deal with but I found out at a young age which made it much easier.

as a child with a trans parent, i can confirm telling at a young age helps. im not confused however at the time, i didn't fully understood what it meant but i was understanding. i just wanted to throw that in there

I also had many issues with the use of language the OP used, and it really showed how insecure he really is. Definitely something he should work on, especially at his big age

I absolutely agree with you on every point and I love how compassionate you are

I am very glad of the result of this story and the direction this video went. This is an important topic and I completely agree with your views. There are times now when I don't tell certain people like at the archery range because I intend to go there often and I can sense the conservative vibes. But for someone I am raising to adulthood, someone I want in my life for any significant time, I just want them in MY life. Not the life of some other person. My trans experience is at the core of who I am. But I also understand the worry because I have gone through it both in my head and during real life rejction from adult family members. It sucks but in the end it's better to know where people stand. Some may grow and others can make space for someone better suited to be in your life. I Wish OP and his family the best.

I'm so glad that ended with him deciding to tell her!

I have to say that not telling a kid the truth, even if no other story is presented sends a pretty clear message to them about what is ok and what is not ok. When I was a kid in the 80s I knew that my aunt had been married before I was born and that she was no longer married to this man I had never known, but the reason that was true was always glossed over and vague. Similarly my mother's father had died before I was born and no one ever said how or why. When I was an older teen I learned that my aunt's husband was gay and now in a committed relationship with another man and that my grandfather had died of colon cancer, and in both cases, to me, as a child, the message was very clear, these are truths that are shameful and we don't talk about. Which really sends the message to a kid from a parent that if these things are issues you face, then we don't want to know about it because these are things we don't talk about. That may not have been the message they were intending, but it was the message that was received.

I think often when we choose not to tell kids things, it's because of shame, and by not telling them we're projecting that onto them and teaching them to be ashamed of it too. Not only that, but kids often feel a lot of distrust towards their parents when these things do come out. How can we expect kids to share important things with their parents if parents aren't setting a good example?

This is a great topic and should definitely be discussed further being so many of us have that type of thing to face. It's also such a multi-faceted issue being so many variables are involved that it would be good to hear if a person wanted some reassurance about their choices. (run-on sentence, sorry!)

there was a story in my country where a kid (3rd grade) from a religious all boys school came out as a trans girl, and because of religious laws and opinions, the girl is being kicked out (still going on). and in our class in school we discussed it, and everyone kept misgendering her, and we had to write reasons to keep and throw her out of the school. it honestly really annoyed me that everyone kept thinking that there was a debate to be had. its really shifting my view of my school and teachers (who are mostly left leaning) and their weird treatment of this matter. they should just state clearly that this little child shouldnt be hurt and oppressed for being different. should and could I even do something about this?

I understand his apprehension about being rejected by yet another family member who was supposed to give unconditional love. There’s a lot of internal trauma. But I would feel horribly betrayed as the daughter to find out so much later in life. It would also make me worry about what other secrets have been kept from me.

This is quite the topic! So many facets and a great discussion💛🤍💜🖤

Hey I've been watching you (mostly with OT) for 3-4 months now and until about 3(?) weeks ago I had no idea you were trans. I saw you in a vid where you said "oh your voice would give you away" but honestly I just figured you were gay or British. Or both, whatever. But seriously you have no need to worry about it, not that you would anyway. Major respect, you're an inspiration.

i recently met my stepmum's niblings for the first time. her family is more on the old fashioned side of things, but her and her siblings are more understanding of how things have changed. i came out to my stepmum (and my dad) as nonbinary around two years ago and since then things like pronouns and my chosen name have become used as they should. meeting her cute lil niblings worried me a bit because i haven't spoken to her sister many times so i didn't know how the conversation would be brought up. to my surprise it was the most natural thing ever. her sister knew in advance and it took some getting used to for her, but the kiddos got it instantly. for context they are 7yo and 5yo. the 7yo was even correcting my stepmum's sister on her slip ups on the first day. i use any pronouns with a preference for they/them so slip ups aren't too much of a worry for me, but the kid was insistent on it bless her. i've heard from my stepmum since that she's only ever referred to me using they/them. we decided not to tell them too much about the different identities since they are young and i am the only not-cis person they know currently, but i think even if we did they would've got it. kids are smarter and a lot more compassionate than we give them credit for. i can understand these things being more of an issue when it comes to it being the parent, but ultimately raising kids with the knowledge and understanding of these topics can only do good. transphobes are raised, nobody is born with such prejudices, so having that personal exposure when they're younger could actually save a lot more pain for the trans person involved in the future because the child won't form these biases before it's too late for the trans person to come out to them

It is still difficult to talk about your true self, even if you have felt it for decades. I am still trying to figure myself out, am I just gender fluid or something else,too? I don't want to make a big deal out of it anyway.I have very few family members, though and I am 62, so I don't have to answer to anyone. My parents are gone,too. My heart goes out to those who have to deal with an unaccepting family. We can support each other on sites like this. Good luck to everyone!

I love Shaaba's AITA videos, so I completely agree everyone should watch them too!

It's SO much better to find out things that are a bit unusual about you & your family when you're little & from your family, so that you grow up always knowing about them & able to ask questions about them. Finding out when you're grown up, especially by accident or from someone other than immediate family, is such a punch in the gut! You wonder "Why didn't they ever tell me I was adopted?" or "Why couldn't Daddy just tell me he's trans?" It makes you question everything you thought you knew about your life & is a major breach of trust with your family, & sometimes those bonds are irreparable. I know the conversations are hard, but I firmly believe if you don't think you can begin to tell your kid about these sorts of things while they're still a kid, you owe it to them NOT TO HAVE A KID! Okay, fine, I'm judgmental. But the kid(s) WILL find out, whatever it is, & it's best for them to find out from YOU! ^_^

This is not quite the same thing but my English teacher from school found out she was adopted when she was in her 60s when her mum died. My mum’s older sister knew she had a different dad but only in the last 5 years or so she found out she has other siblings

This girl got her hormones! And thanks to insomnia and executive dysfunction is already forgetting to take them on schedule! Good thing I'm not cis because I'd be soooo fucking pregnant by now.

I think this video is super important, I used to use the same language as the person writing in reference to myself. Even though I prided myself on “accepting change easily” but only recently did I really accept myself. As in, not needing to “prove myself” to other people in order to be a man. I’m a dude, that’s all anyone needs to know, and I can look however I want and don’t need to be super macho strong. Love yourself yall💙

So appropriate for me. I have planned to tell my Grandson tonight!!

I think when it comes to kids: your kids or ones adopted, I believe it's best for them to directly hear the "I'm trans" conversation from the person who is trans. Mostly cause, some families are bit odd about it, and you never know if someone is gonna out you out of spite.

Man they weren't lying when they said phobic people are a loud minority ☻ I've only seen 2 phobes here Ville_x and Dusty making fools of themselves. Seems like they have absolutely no social life 😂 Also y'all handing these transphobes their asses is a great treat. Y'all are so smart and funny

I love that Shaaba manages 3 AITA posts in 1 video and Jamie does 1 LOOOOL

There is another word for kept secret in my family ticking time bomb!!! it always comes out there will be drama, tears and broken furniture. And if you’re really unlucky 5 to 7 crying infants. Yes it was that bad. for reference three of these things came out at the same family event it was as bad as you can imagine. gay, cheating with multiple pregnancies as a result, and 2 divorces, all of them unrelated to each other! And it was all set off by a rainbow cupcake literally no metaphors a freaking cupcake started all this.😂😂😂

10:40 Same feelings here, and theres no photos of me before comin out (partly cuz of distancin from my biofam, partly cuz i didnt have photos taken of me all of my adulthood, and partly cuz we were always too poor to buy school pictures). Now, tbf, i live a very antistealth life, but even if i was to just live as an intersex person and keep the trans stuff stealth... Id still want my potential kid to know all about me when it comes to this stuff. Ive got zero link to my past, so its not like im worried it wud come out one day in passing, but its still smth id want them to know so they know me better Its a major definin part of who i am today, even if i cud totes pass as just an intersex woman who can grow a beard. And id feel rly bad if they did find out about this, but not from me, bcuz id feel like they feel like ive hidden who i am from them

When I was growing up, the reason why parents didn't tell their kids that they were adopted was to not hurt their feelings - there was a still a stigma against it then. I never understood why anyone would get upset about not sharing DNA with their parents. It would be a relief to me. I'd be less worried about inheriting mental health problems. Plus, being raised by people who actively sought out being parents has got to be a better environment than being raised by people who accidentally made a kid. On average.

Love this series! It is so awesome😂

As a parent, I am with you Jamie, I feel it is best to raise kids with the truth. Knowledge from a young age. It is a lot easier in the present day as their are so many resources. Even age appropriate baby books "Sally Has Two Mommies".

Hi Jamie, can you put some of the responses from redditors in the video next time?? I like it when Shaaba does that in her videos :).