Being thrown under the bus by people you love, is the hardest part

My oldest sister was abusive and cold to me. And nobody stopped her from being awful to me. This has had such a profound effect on me.

The awful older sister breathing down your neck being pathologically jealous of every possible thing you had or did. Still jealous at age 72. What a nightmare.

This makes sense. Some of my siblings have shat on me from a great height. I was the scapegoat. Then I realised i could choose to let them go. I'd rather have no family left than play their nasty game . I'm not desperate for their love anymore .

This breaks my heart for this woman. I send her love. May she heal completely and find happiness.

I’ve been estranged from my Sister for over 10 years. She BEGGED to go to lunch and talk the day we cremated our Daddy. That was the first time I’d ever said no to her without fear. The book “But It’s Your Family” changed my life years ago. **UPDATE** Our Mother just died. SAME THING…1.5 years later. A “soft” No Thank You!”

I'm glad you're discussing this because sibling abuse gets put under the rug. I'm the scapegoat and was severely gaslit my whole life. My parents abused and neglected me. Sociopath Alcoholic/ drug addict father and a narcissistic denial queen mom. I was blamed for the abuse from my brothers. The last physical abuse from one of my brothers put me in the ER with broken shifted vertebrae and a bad concussion. I had to be homeless just to physically escape all the abuse. There's so much more, and the main excuse was I made them hurt me as well as brothers hitting sisters isn't abuse. I recently had to get spine surgery because of it and major arthritis. I will most likely be in pain for the rest of my life. They ruined my life.

The only thing worse than having a parent/s who don't love you, is being the only one in the family they don't love. That's a wound that's very difficult to heal. My siblings were raised to believe they could do anything, or say anything about me, and my mother would take their side without ever checking their stories, or listening to a word I said. My father always backed up my mother, thinking he was being supported, and would punish me for being disrespectful for complaining about it. So, my older brother would beat me, my mother would say it was my fault, I would tell her she was a bad mother to me, and my father would come home and beat me again. Then, my mother would trap me in my room, shrilly yelling at me that I deserved everything bad that ever happened to me. I grew up believing that I deserved to be abused, mentally and physically, and that not only was I wrong to stand up for myself, but that I was a bad person if I objected. A parent like that can ruin your entire life if you can't break free from that mindset.

Wow, this story is exactly the story of my life. I'm glad I left all of them behind and moved on with my life

Sibling abuse is HUGE! I am so glad you are covering this. I came from a family of 9 siblings. I had much more interaction with siblings than my parents because my parents were so overwhelmed with having 9 kids, they were both immature and self absorbed. So siblings had a huge impact on how I saw myself. I have gone no-contact with all of them. All but two of them have bothered to attempt to make contact. They simply don’t care. I can only assume they were modeled this by my parents. I do feel healthier without them in my life. “Blessed are those who expect nothing- for you will not be disappointed”

Last year i finally realized my sister 2 years older who is the golden child is a full blown narcissist. She is so good at what she does that my extended family thinks she is so sweet. I've been her first and favorite victim for years. I was finally able to trace all of my broken family relationships to her and see how methodical she is in ruining people. There are so many victims it's sickening. My life is so much better when she's not around. I will never have contact with her again. The last time I let her back in my life she had lost everyone because they were all tired of her drama. She's so negative that it feels like a black hole to talk to her. She was diagnosed with breast cancer and I took care of her. It was her last chance with me. As soon as she recovered, her pattern of back stabbing started all over again. I will never allow myself to be abused by her ever again! Knowing which the type of monster she is gives me all of my peace back.

(((hugs))) to everyone in this comment section, 🌷🌷🌷The terror of sibling abuse is next-level; it's soul-crushing; thank you for talking about this, Anna; so grateful to be part of your community and membership.

Last summer I faced the difficult realization that I was being abused by a sibling for pretty much my entire life (I'm in my early 70s now), and it's still challenging to reconcile that reality with the all-one-big-happy family myth we grew up with. My denial continues to rise up in waves and I ride them out, always coming to the same conclusion; I was smart to get away from this person and even smarter to STAY away. THANK YOU, Anna, for your calm reassurances and supportive instructions on re-regulating! You are a blessing beyond measure! 💕

Being a primary school teacher, for 33 years, I have always been concerned about sibling abuse and society's being somewhat impotent at addressing this problem. In Ireland, I have heard that a pivotal case, about a brother abusing his sister all her life, helped bring in a law in that country, recognizing gaslighting as a crime. More people have to take their siblings to justice, for society to give this form of abuse more awareness.

My siblings caused the bulk of my trauma, it was so hard never hearing that sibling abuse could even occur, theres a severe downplaying of sibling abuse in our society, chalking it up to rivalry, so often parents accidentally enable horrific abuse because of it, thank you for speaking on it

I have a story very similar to this one. But I became a paralegal not an attorney. It's been a rough road but I am still hanging in here at 65 years young. Still dealing daily with childhood trauma & family crap.

I have a sister that has literally hated me my entire life. (She is a year younger than me) My earliest memory of her is her pushing me off of the couch because I was waving good bye to my Mother when she was leaving for work. I broke my collar bone from that fall. My right shoulder dips down to this day because of that injury. I have always tried to be nice to her, but it was NEVER reciprocated. I'm 62 now, and she consistently spreads rumors about me to other friends and family members. Everything from me being on drugs, losing my job and retirement due to drug use and even losing my pension. (Never happened, I get a handsome pension and I retired at the top of my game well respected by my colleagues.) The problem is, that there are family members who believe her nonsense and avoid me based on the outlandish stories she tells them about me. She claims I abused her physically and beat her (Never happened not even once, in fact she was physically abusive toward me, because she knew I was raised to never hit a girl. (I would have been in big trouble if I ever hit her back, since I was a guy and lifelong martial artist.) I have finally had enough of her and told her off with 60+ years of pent up anger. Hopefully I will never have contact with her again. That in turn, made her amp her claims even more and add a few new ones. Some so painful, that I wouldn't even put them in print. Yes, I was the scapegoat in my family. Some of my siblings felt I was my mothers favorite, therefore I deserved the distain they showed toward me. (Her and an older Brother seemed to feel this way, there were 7 of us) I have CPTSD, probably have since I was 5 years old. (I could write a book about that) I am also as codependent as they make them. I have found your video's and courses to be excellent and I want you to know, they have helped me immensely.

I too am a victim of what I call angry siblings. These are people who will never apologize, always blame , deny, lie, and NEVER seek self help. I was forced into homelessness at 62 years old by my brother and his son. My other 6 siblings could nt care less.I'm ok now, also they brain wash their own kids to be haters too. Yes, it's very true that siblings can be as bad or worse than a parent(s).

I’ve been targeted by npd sister for decades….extremely grateful for covid as I was able to tear myself from her grip while confessing her multitude of sins to healthy sister….her toxicity is heavily disguised & she hides her evil nature from others….ty for talking about sibling abuse….it’s real and it’s vicious

My older brother was my abuser, my parents didn’t protect me. When I told my Mom as an adult that my brother tried to have sex with me she said; “all boys do that.” He is a high functioning alcoholic today; unregulated, verbally abusive etc… Through all this I have tried to get along with him, continually putting myself in unhealthy situations. My Mom wanted me to keep trying and would blame me if things still went wrong. Sick families suck! I’m in Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families, thank God, it’s helping me to see the truth.

I have not had a good relationship with my only sibling (older) for our entire lives. It was like his mission in life growing up was to aggravate me and make me miserable. My parents didn’t do much to intervene. As adults, my sibling has lived 10 minutes away yet never has given a crap about me as a person based on his actions. He claims his priority was his wife and two sons. Hence, my parents and myself only saw him on holidays despite living close by. It has been extremely hurtful over the years that any attempts I’ve made to have some kind of communication or relationship have only ended in frustration on my part. After being completely neglected emotionally by my parents as a child, and then my only sibling has never acted like he cared about me at all, I’ve dealt with feelings of inadequacy. I’m single in my late 40s and now caring for my mom who has dementia and providing for her needs when she never really provided for mine. So disappointing how family can treat each other sometimes. Thanks for letting me share. ❤

It's crazy how parents can pit children against each other instead of bringing balance and safety! I was so blind to all the manipulation in the background going on around me for so many years! That I really needed a wake up call! But now that I'm awake, make better choices and decisions! Also I'm not so tempted to rescue and put myself at risk to help those who never managed to lift a finger to help me, although i did many times! But this brings clarity to the control dynamic!

I had abuse from a much older sibling (9 year gap) which my parents were completely incapable of confronting or dealing with. It's definitely a family dynamic which deserves much more recognition, and hopefully is beginning to be acknowledged more lately. Thanks for reading this letter.

I was the lost child & the scapegoat! I left my fam 30 yrs ago. I haven't missed them at all. I see them & interact with them on my terms. They helped to make me stronger by their rejection. Now when ppl reject me I say oh well what else is new. GOD made me & only GOD can break me!!!

Sibling abuse is real. Physical violence among me and my siblings was considered "normal" in our house. The reality is that it's not normal. I still deal with the unresolved trauma of my brother punching me, giving me a black eye, etc. Our dad recently passed away (or mother died 11 years ago) so now all we have is each other.

I wish this topic was covered more in depth. This is more common than people would think. This covers emotional, physical, verbal, financial abuse from siblings. I think this abuse is worse because it is often explained away as normal sibling rivalry and also , it's your family so you have to be there for them - even when they're abusive. I think ultimately is has to do with the abusers and their mental disorders - and there's nothing you can do about that.

my older sister runs ‘cold’ and does silent treatment and my younger sister runs ‘hot’, narcissistic traits, and abuses me. My mother expects me to maintain the relationships with both my sisters because, you know, my sisters aren’t capable of it. I’m done with anything more than superficial niceness to my sisters and I push back on my mother now and let her know I’m done with making the family work

Thank you so much, this gets overlooked and labelled as sibling rivalry. I’ve had terrible problems with my brother throughout my life who has been very abusive to me ( and also my parents when they got older). Sometimes it would get better, but the lid totally came off when my mother died just before Christmas. I feel like his attitude to me in murderous. I’ve had a very serious life threatening illness that he will not even acknowledge and is sending lawyer letters with invented contentions, since I tried to ask about money he had from my parents. He is not safe. He is my only family member I have now. I am on my own. I was the family scapegoat, which actually healed somewhat as I got older. He wants to use me as a scapegoat. There is no coming back from this. The saddest thing is there is still an inner child in me that just wants her older brother to love and protect her. He is a terrible bully. It has got worse the older he gets. Thank good god for 12 step. They are my family now. Thank you for your channel 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻.

Woah! Its so comforting to know my story is not unique. As sad as it is. It also makes me angry

My siblings are all poison. I have been no contact for years.

This video brings up grief that was apparently right under the surface. 😢

I’m estranged from my immediate family due largely through lying parents, who are now deceased. I was, am, the middle scapegoated child. I don’t miss them, but I might think about them a little as time passes. We’re all in our late 50s or 60s and never would have thought while growing up that one day No Contact would be needed.

My stepbrother, who was adopted, was very abusive towards me. I was taken out of the house by the cops because I went to a therapist who was concerned for my well-being and she sent them to take me out of the home. I was placed with a family relative, but their home was toxic so I ended up going homeless. My family ties weakened after that, and I ended up saving money and moved across the country. I couldn’t stand visiting my mom because my stepbrother would be there and he would be gaslighting me, stealing money from me by force and physically hurt me. It took a long time to “heal” all that pain, but unfortunately my stepbrother passed away from a fentanyl overdose last year. I have been easily getting triggered lately after that incident and it’s been difficult to deal with my emotions. It’s been hard to find a grief and CPTSD therapy😢

My three older siblings grew up together and were very damaged by our parents. Then I came along and before I was even aware of what was going on, it seemed they resented me. Since I was always abused by our parents, I just thought this was normal - something wrong with me. They always treated me like I was 'spoiled' (haha) and were jealous of me, when in fact I was alone and abused too. My parents had a bit more money because they now only had one child and were more financially established so I may have gotten a bit more (not that I could see it, compared to what I saw my friends get) but that was hardly my fault. Straight out of school I went to live with one of my sisters overseas, thinking we could establish a relationship, hoping we could be real sisters. Instead she was a hundred times more horrible than my parents ever were and she took advantage of the fact that I was isolated. She used me and put me down every chance she got, according to her she was some amazing person and I was a poor facsimile. Once while I was sightseeing in London, I had a completely innocent drink with her husband and his colleagues after work at a pub before he gave me a lift home, and she had a complete jealous meltdown because she was at home. I was walking on eggshells the entire time. her whole family were at once held hostage by her emotional abuse, and her flying monkeys who would stick up for her. It was so dysfunctional. At one stage it got so bad I nearly left the house, in a foreign country where I knew no one and had nowhere to go. I finally found the resources to leave (completely traumatised) after a year and haven't spoken to her since (in 30 years).

Thanks for addressing this subject. Since my parents death, I'm going through some things with my siblings that led me here. The narcissism & survival tactics continue. I'm learning. It's a constant growth process. ❤

I'm in tears listening to this. On one hand, it makes me feel like I had it easy... on the other, my tears tell me these feelings are too close.

I wish you would’ve talked more about the sibling issues in general terms and given advice to us versus just focusing on the specifics of the woman who wrote in. For example, read her letter and then discuss the parent’s influence on sibling relationships.

I had the impression that the sister had died and wasn't giving the silent treatment at all. If I'm understanding correctly, it's awful that mom wouldn't tell the letter writer that had happened and instead, just shrugged. I'm so sorry you went through this, Jeannie.

I'm amazed more abused people don't k i l l their abuser.

Ugh People are the worst... except for Family... they're worser! 🙃😉 lol Seriously tho, this sad tale shows WHY it is so important to PICK GOOD FRIENDS bc we don't get to pick who we come from..... fortunately, we are free to gravitate to whatever version of Family we can fashion for ourselves later in life, be it with friends, your work/ volunteer work/ pets/ or Ourselves as our own BFF. Choose wisely & be kind to Yourself ❤

I feel my older brother hated my gentle, and innocent nature as a kid. Verbal absue, emotional abuse, manipulation, phyical violence. Cuts, burns, bruises. I got lured into being stung by a whole hive of wasps on purpose. My dad even had to race over, and cut me down when he lynched me from a tree when i was 8. He would attack me in my sleep. I'm in my 40s now, and i still have problems sleeping without a locked door. I felt in danger for most of my childhood. I think my nervous system developed in that state. Its a disconnect from my brain. I shake 24 hours a day. Panic attacks when I'm around people. Ive done a lot of self work, but this doesn't seem to be something i can guide myself through. It seems hardwired, and it has definitely ruined my life. That and the sexual abuse from outside the home at a very early age. I can't drive, or be in a crowd. When i talk to someone i don't know, every fiber in my being says danger, and to run despite my brain understanding the situation. So, I'm not too interested in the motivation behind it. I'm on good terms with him these days. We hang out, and stuff, but I don't think of him as a brother, and wouldn't show up at his funeral.

Thank you so much for taking the Crappy Childhood Fairy to KZfaq! For so long I have listened to developments in helping people who suffered from PTSD, and related oh so strongly to what they were going through. But I have never been to war, shot or been shot at by anyone, or anything like that, so I did not qualify for help. All I had had was a “crappy” childhood. Hearing it spoken of as you do is an indescribable yet delicious relief. I am both afraid (I’ll write that down) and excited at the thought of opening up the connection with she-who-was/is-myself when (before?) my new life went sideways.

If it takes a village to raise a child, then it takes a village to abuse a child. Thank you for sharing this information. It needs a lot more light shined on it. We scapegoats have been shamed and abused long enough. It is time our voices are heard. As I continue to dive into your videos and into your programs, I am both saddened and elated to find my exact story within the other stories shared by fellow scapegoats. I am beginning for the first time at the age of 52 to realize that I am not the problem and that I am not crazy. That what I know to be real and true IS real and true. My love and prayers to all of you. ❤💕❤

Yes. The loving parent gets scapegoated too and the narc sibling controls the family clic. Only this sibling can get near the parent ..and does everything to turn the siblings against. It's a brutal mess

This is what occurs in narcistic/abusive relationships, it's the golden child scenario where one child is treated better than the other, they get played off each other where it builds resentment and competition, and the other is treated poorly/scapegoats, an emotional dumping ground for other people's wounded selves, with the occasional few breadcrumbs thrown here and there and then the golden child will start to hate on the other. It took me 35 yrs on this planet and a toxic abusive marriage/seperation to awaken to narcissism and recognising gaslighting, manipulation and all the ways in which they operate to keep you controlled, to dim your light and prevent you from self actualizing and to know your worthy as you are without the need for anyone else's validation. I saw all the narcisists in my life turn on me during that time because of the breaking the control pattern. People cannot operate at another level of consciousness until you evolve and start to question things or experience enough trauma that it triggers and sets of a path of self discovery and the ability to examine ones core wounds which brings healing and awareness and awakening to recognising unhealthy behaviours in relationships. Distance yourself from anything that promotes chaos and disruption to peace.

Thank you for this. I grew up with a neglectful mother and abusive older brother. My parents divorced when I was a baby and we didn’t see my dad often. My brother abused me physically, verbally and emotionally. He was vicious and cruel and the verbal and emotional abusiveness continued into adulthood, until I simply went no contact a number of years ago. I don’t want to ever see or interact with him again. More people need to understand the incredible damage sibling abuse does. It took me until I was in my forties to even begin to understand all this and piece myself back together.

My older brother was abusive to me and when I complained about it my complaints were minimised and shoved under the rug. To this day my mother makes excuses for him just like my dad did. He doesn't help around the house with anything and has an entitlement attitude. Of course being the family scapegoat they keep secrets from you and exclude you so even my younger brother does it. I'm just trying my best to get away from these people and go no contact. It was all part of the narcisstic triangulation. They'd rather watch you suffer with an abusive sibling so that they can keep their scapegoating narratives going.

Sending love to this woman who wrote in. Don’t even know you and I am so proud of your surviving.

I think when it comes to the scapegoat and the lost child's relationship my thoughts are this. There's a true bond and a trauma bond. And usually the scapegoat escapes the toxic system first. And as much as the former scapegoat wants to help pull the lost child out of that mess, the lost child will not come unless they too get therapy. Poor lost child, the grief is the greatest with them.

My sibling sisters turned on me years ago and spread a rumor that “I think I am better than them” which hit other family members saying that to my face and spread hate throughout and turned my already Narc father against me! I didn’t grow up with my sisters, so because I am more professional, classy, and career successful; and they have been low class on drugs and alcohol and anorexic, they hate me because I represent someone far from who they are! It’s been painful, but in my own retirement now I feel safer away from them, though we live in the same state. They are narcissists too and borderline and bi-polar as well. They married drug addict abusive men too. I am their polar opposite except I attracted narcissist men! 🤦‍♀️ Now I don’t have anyone to leave my estate to or live insurance as I had them on my policies until 2003.

I am an adult survivor of childhood abuse by a sibling. Since my childhood it has taken me 30 years and counting to adapt to life. I've stopped acting out which i didn't even realise I was doing. I recognise the feelings in the testimony you read out, even though I was second youngest of 5 and male. They did NOT succeed in ruining the rest of my life and it's hearing this and people such as you that makes my journey easier daily. I have my younger sister still but the rest of the family are either dead or disowned me. My abuser may or may not be alive. The man I am now is craving peace and my life is getting better in that respect. I have a life of almost total solitude and I'm slowly changing that. Much Love.

Thank you Jeane, for your letter.

A few years ago I realized that the abuse from my 2 older siblings has had a bigger impact on me than the neglect from my mom. But I can’t find anyplace to talk about that 😢

This is absolutely not news to me. Sibling abuse may be very subtle instead of obvious. But who in the world has EVER had a perfect family ???????????? Even murderers come from families . . . of sorts. The essential point is HOW in practical steps can one heal it ???? My guess in most cases one can't. Simply learn to live with it by severing ties with such siblings . . . painful and unproductive as that may be. It beats living with the continuation of such dysfunctional relationships.

My parents, especially my mother, worked quite hard to divide me from my younger siblings. Even now, my mother orchestrates all contact between me and them. It's quite clear that none of them really like or respect me, and that my purpose is to be talked about and grumbled about. I'm low contact which i can just about cope with. Also meditate a lot.

I didn’t know how personally close karma was protecting me as I learned the fates of five individuals who either targeted, scapegoated, or planned to do me harm. They somehow died.

I was afraid of my mom, stepdad and my older sister. I locked my door and didn’t share any thoughts or feelings with anyone at home. I got my hair pulled daily, money stolen, and teased me calling me goody two shoes and miss tight. I have cut ties just this winter after 60 years of abuse

My siblings are just f@&ked up, not abusive.

I found a lot of help at Adult Children of Alcoholics for this kind of stuff. ❤❤❤

Holy crap. So much of this story sounds so much like mine.

My grandfather explained to me that this was the situation in the family of one of our relatives - a distant cousin - I think the mom was my grandfather’s niece or daughter of a cousin. It was obvious that the older boy were treated very differently than the younger girl and boy. They didn’t tell the oldest boy wasn’t the dad’s son. I asked my grandfather why the younger boy was the one named after the dad, when it’s usually the oldest boy. I only visited once a year, but it was obvious the older boy had problems. I am grateful my grandpa told me the truth, although I was told to respect the family’s wishes and not say anything to the boy. My grandpa told me he disagreed with this and that he privately asked them to tell the truth to this boy. Eventually they did tell him. I don’t recall if his dad died or left the family, but since we are Catholic, I don’t think divorce was involved since this was a long time ago. I still feel for him, but we have little contact with this part of the family since my grandpa passed away.

I have never before heard another story like mine in which I, as the eldest daughter, was tormented by my mother and sibling. My mother treated me HORRIBLY and doted on my sister. They invented a song that ridiculed my body parts and sang it throughout the house, chasing me and singing it at me. I was not allowed clothes because I was "too fat." And my sibling blackmailed me and bit and scratched herself and told our mom that I had done it because I refused to give her my halloween candy. My mother had multiple sclerosis, lupus and rheumatoid arthritis, so there's that. I graduated high school a year early and walked out the door soon after turning 17 and I never went back except for one time to introduce her to my son (who died young, at 40, unfortunately.) I just saw her that one time, out of a sense of duty. She died at age 62. I am an adult, almost 70 now, disabled and home-bound, with many "issues" but working on creative things, writing and painting. I have healed a lot through a rewarding religious life, but I still work on myself. Even as an adult, my sibling concocts PLANS AND SCHEMES to hurt me. That sibling helped our father's third wife to write me out of the (substantial) will and then contacted me AFTERWARDS with yet another scheme to make sure, through a legal machination that I could not get anything from contesting it. My father died from VERY suspicious circumstances, after getting Alzheimers and parkinsons. Such a nightmare life. Just knowing I am not alone in this sort of thing has helped me. Thanks for reading that letter!

When I woke up to the abuse, I backed right off, peacefully. I realized that we were all affected in our own ways. Bit by bit, some of us worked it out for ourselves. It took a lot of patience, but it worked, eventually. Sadly, just after making peace with one sibling, they died. It is important to realize that abusers and abused are all in pain, and try to be compassionate whilst protecting oneself profoundly.

Thank you for this video. I NEEDED this right now.

This is so relevant to me still @56yrs old, My Story started at 5yrs old, I was taken with my Mom to go somewhere as she always had, Well as we arrived it wasn't familiar to me at all we walked into this trailer and My Mom was being yelled at by this old woman I remember this old woman's red hair, I was frightened and I she these older teenagers and my Mom says to the old women I'm here to get my kids!! Then Mom says this is your big sister Rita, and that's Jimmy and Timmy, I was frozen I was scared this woman started throwing dishes at the teenagers, Then I must've been in panic because I couldn't hear nothing it was like a slow movie and before I knew it, My Mother was walking out the door and the kids followed her, And I was left behind and this old red haired lady was not nice to me saying terrible things about my Mother, And all's I could do was think of Jesus, and talking to him inside myself, Then I was wondering does my Daddy know and what's my Big brother gonna do and my other brother too, And I just wanted to be at my Grandmom Gaiser s house she would have made me feel better,, My life as I once knew at 5 was about to change and not just for me for everyone,, This was that of if not for Jesus and the foundation of stability that I had when I was in Glenolden where we just recently moved from to South Jersey, My Mother changed alls i remember was my Daddy got a new job and he was driving a big truck and he would be gone for week or two at a time , If you are interested in my Story plz let me know because its long to write all out and if its going to not something your not interested in i dont want to spend alot of time, for something that will be disregarded, Sincerely Story hasn't ended yet,,

Dear Anna,💖💖 I´m always SO grateful when you address the sibling involvement in all this!! The brainwashing effect makes seeing clearly so so difficult, especially when there´s not even substance use involved and the both only relatives (my mother and brother) never had to admit it and actually are fine. (At least I think that this corpse will not come out of the basement more than THIS). My mother has been the enabler for the early developing sadism and narcissistic behaviour of my brother (it started as threatening and locking up "games" when we were both so small). Our parents never ever addressed and it went on and would grow into later behaviour of Infantilization through him, regular boundary trashing, abuse of different kinds. So despite this he actually has been the golden child and I was the scapegoat/lost child, but noone ever put it like that. (This mix of roles crashed me more and more until I broke down). My mother must be trapped in this generational trauma based, delusional, magical thinking mind set where you are high functioning, very intelligent, but the lower official certifications make you struggle your whole life. It took forever to only think about her responsibility! But over the years and years I managed to tell her, very cautious, but I called it abuse and she just gave me the brainwashing responses. Me and her, so the denial must be very deep. Even when she was told in this one rehab she had that she abused my brother by making him her spouse surrogate (they must have a family "Aufstellung"? that one with the replacements for family members), she was still completely detached from me, telling me this as if I was a total stranger. I remember asking her where I was but no, maybe she said somewhere behind her, it doesn´t seem to be of any importance to her? It´s 15 years ago and feels like yesterday because I just couldn´t wake up from this nightmare. She still lives in her emotional incest bond with my brother which she build when he was 15 and I was 14, and our father died. They have it all covered up bc he married very early, his wife was easily assimilated into this system (she was only 16 when they met). They both will never wake up, and I´m still not sure how much recovery can be done when it lasted so long without validation for me. Therefore thank you for talking about this topic, it means the world to me! I know it´s not easy, because children are always victims, too! And it feels so much like treachery to talk or think about this to me, but when it goes on to adulthood we must face it!! 💝💝

I was abused by my brother growing up. When I confronted him, as an adult (expecting an apology), he simply said that it happens in the best of families. I haven't spoken to him since.

I am the eldest and for some time was "The golden child" until I rebelled, then I was the scape goat!!! I was never handed anything and had to work for whatever I had, my younger sister got whatever she wanted and was never made to work. My sister at 1 point grabbed all my silver necklaces around my neck I worked hard for and broke every single chain I had. We are still like night and day. If she was not my sister I wouldnt be inspired to speak to her. My mother left our abusive/alcoholic father, remarried and had another daughter...and she could do NO wrong. My natural sister is looking for husband no.4 and the half sister is in jail for stealing. She is an alcoholic and a thief. My father died 14 years ago and I still have my mother but she brings up my father every chance she gets (her 2nd husband died years ago). I feel as if my mother referrs to my sister and I as the children from "the bad marriage" I am married to the same man for 22 years, but with dating we have been together for almost 28 years. I still have unresolved issues to work thru but limit any contact with my mother and sister. Sadly, I do not habe contact with my sisters 3 children, who I always loved. My sister is still a manipulator and story teller but she is GOOD, people dont seem to see what I see. I am really working on ME and healing from childhood. It DOES hirt not to be close to "family."

Thankyou Fairy! I was the youngest in my family and the only non-agressive person. One of my brothers actually physically harmed me loads of times and I'm pretty sure he would have killed if he could have got away with it. He queered the pitch for me everywhere I went and made my life hell. God bless everyone here🌹

I'm the youngest of 7 in a very dysfunctional (addiction + mental illness) family. Nobody had their needs met and everybody were victims whether they acknowledge it or not. Being youngest meant it was like I had 8 dysfunctional parents. So yeah, I don't think the effect of siblings can be overstated. When my mother died they all came together against me and kicked me out of the family, I guess something they always wanted to do. Through that painful process I found Al-Anon, therapy and other related Anon's I've needed. Now they're all old and I have to take care of one of them. It's very weird, but could not have done it without the help I've received. Thanks Anna, I admire you a lot.

i was the abusive sibling 😮‍💨 i was the scapegoat and jealous of my younger brother. But i loved him too. i was conscious of how much i loved him but also of the injustice. one of my earliest memories was literally destroying a toy of his then going to his room i must have been 5 and he barely 1 I made my hand like a karate chop and motioned in front of his neck back and forth like i was cutting off his neck. But he laughed so much. It was tickling him. I remember loving him and forgetting the upset and anger i felt. I remember making him laugh, climbing into the crib with him and jumping up and down making him laugh and laughing too. Till someone came in and the entire floor of the crib gave in and we crashed. lol I don't remember what happened next. But i did have a difficult relationship with him Like between protector, fun older sister and bully too. 😓 i feel bad but we talked now we are older and we are both in therapy. i ended up with bpd traits and he with npd. 😮‍💨 We understand it was a horrible dynamic and we just try to get along as best as we can now.

this is a good subject to talk about , I wish it never happened to anyone , but sadly it does , when I was five my own elder brother push me off a tall slide about 20 feet high my head hit the tarmac and I run home in pain and crying while I could hear him laughing , about a year later that same brother , run at me and pushed me so hard into the ground tiny bit of gravel were in bedded in my arm with blood running down my arm , and he just left me there , I only asked if I could go with him and his friend has they went to play , that was only a part of the eight awful things that happen to be has a small child , today many years on I have very little to do with my brother . I have given him Manny chances in life , put I have realised A few years ago that he is a narcissist who tries to take my good energy away from me . now he can't push me around anymore . but the effects that he was only part of when I was very young ,have effected me now I look back on my life , now I just try to stay safe and in my calm place , were I feel normal and can heal my self , GOD says be a light to yourself and others in a time of darkness , AMEN ; God bless 🐬

I recognize these dynamics in my own family and among my siblings and myself. This conversation helps to add another layer to everything

Its usually jealously when a sibling cuts you off.

You really are my crappy childhood fairy for addressing this particular topic at this much needed point in life!

Someone below commented that when parents die it can open "the Pandora's box" of troubled sibling relatioships. I think this is so true! It happened to me over a dozen years ago, so I've had time to put the puzzle pieces together. After she died i realized my mother had been my "protector" in the family and the rest of them came after me, like they wanted to "cut me down to size." This included my father! I think this would be a really good subject for another video- sibling and family dynamics that go haywire after the death of a parent.

What a remarkable person the letter writer is. Resilience despite this awful childhood. I remember reading about sibling abuse in Pete Walkers book and felt such relief and validation. My sister hated me and my mum just let her bully me all my life.

Anna thanks and Jeanie thanks. Jeanie, I am confounded and moved by your stength. What resolve, displayed, over the course of a lifetime, Jeanie, you are unbelieveable, in a sense that you are remarkable, I have a situation I am trying to heal, that also has some nuances of similarity, where I am an older brother and the other person is a younger sister. Given my circumstances, similar in some instances, like having my cherished clothers, accumulated over the course of my twenties, carried outside of the garage, and left in the alley, for the trash collector to pick up, without my knowledge, are somewhat correspondent. On the other hand, unlike yourself, I did not have the maturity to attain a high professional stature, or withstand obstacles, you clearly worked thru at such a young age. Nor was I compelled to take on the role of adult, in such a glarlingly social confine, as a bar. Thanks so much for your bravery, your fortitude, and your stamina. I am so sorry that your sisters, when they saw you, saw worst of themselves, rather than the best of themselves. Obviously, a mother's reluctance to reflect on their life, or for that matter any parent, or authority figure, reluctance, for reflection, can have devistating consequences on the people dependent on them. Let your, and other, real live stories, be a wake up call to us all, to reflect on our past misgivings, and continue to resolve how we might best grow from them. I will be trying to reconicile how at times, my sister and I, were at each others' throats, in anger, at not getting what was wanted from each other at different times over the past 30 years. Only speaking for myself, I wil try to reconcile, how my sister and I, are somewhat strangers, and in many ways, do not even really have an understanding of one another, other than what is seen on the surface. As the older sibling, I acknowledge it was my responsibility to have reasoned how to help myself and my sister work thru and weather what were at times, contradictory forces working their way into our lives, due in part to a lack of our parent's resolve to communicate, amongst themselves, and work out the differences, and the shame associated with the dissolution of their relationship. It yielded a divorce, and two oppositional forces from extended families, instinctively rallying to the rescue in favor of each side's son, daughter, brother and sister.

When was 5 was told to care for 1 yo, was taken on tour of state hospital with MSW dad and saw naked hydrocephalic and yelling, was left to play with "orphans' at children's home or sit alone in baby wing... was full but silent in 1962. Grew up being told it was my fault, you are the oldest. By 9 constructed back story that I was adopted... kept me sane.Only son was golden child, youngest daughter was forgotten save for the dictum to keep hair dyed blonde which I refused. At 29 cut them out, when they died obit said they had 3 kids, not 4. Perhaps was really adopted!

My younger brother was scapegoated by my parents and I was expected to “take care of him”, then I got into trouble when he misbehaved. I tried to mother him until I turned 18 and moved away from home to nursing school. My mother was so angry I moved away and my brother blamed me for abandoning him. I am now in my 70s, parents passed away, but I am still estranged from my brother who thinks I am “privileged and rich” because I moved to America and have had a career.

I'm so glad you are addressing this IMPORATANT factor of sibling dysfunctions in `crappy families`. I am the eldest of eleven and the things that were carried out, from my narcissist mother, her coconspirator, and my putative father , and the children, of whom I was the main scapegoat, among many other, shifting scapegoats, are unspeakable. A thousand million blessings to your correspondent who not only survived, but thrives like mad!!

I relate to this a lot. I'm the oldest and the scapegoat. I grew up as an overachiever as well. My mom died in my early 20's but my sister has kept up the abuse (both narcissists). There's always a longing for family who actually care about you but I know that's not realistic. I have to stay away from my sister because she will always do something to upset or hurt me. Her favorite game the past five years or so is withholding my nephew. I'm so sorry you went through this. You're not alone.

Thank You so much for this topic, very important for me ❤

I'm gonna vent here for a bit, I feel like I had it easy, compared to most of the comment section. Nothing "too bad" ever happened, but people say feelings are valid so... I have a million little stories about my brother and they make me really angry and sad. He would steal my toys for not playing with him, my parents response: You're not using them anyway. Make a mess/get something dirty? He'd blame me, and my parents would believe him, make me clean it up. Then punch me in the shoulders because if there's no bruises then it doesn't count. It was allowed. I grew my nails just so I could fight back, you bet mom was angry with me for it. "Look at what you did to your brother" He'd steal my food, my money and break my things, he never paid me back. Once fighting I ripped his shirt, if I hadn't I was afraid he would've hurt me badly, I was made to pay it, it was a lot of money. He kept trying to say hurtful things to me (succeeded half the time), if my parents ever heard me talking back then it was my fault. They only accepted something was wrong with him when he started doing the same thing to our mom and it started looking like he was going to punch her, but with me it was always "don't fall for it/be diplomatic/somebody has to give", dude, i'm trying to stay away and he keeps coming after me. Lucky me, he moved away soon after. He's gotten better with adulthood but I still don't feel comfortable interacting with him.

wow. This is so much like my story. Thank you for sharing.

My sisters were never abusive to me but the invalidation and blame have carried on long after my mother's death.

I am estranged from my Golden Child younger brother and used to feel bad about it. My older brother is the Scape Goat and we are close. Clothes in street. My Golden Child younger brother broke open my locked diary in the 80’s then sawed it in half and buried it in the snow. When found out NOTHING was done. Yeah I am an adult I CHOOSE not to deal with these people now

Thank you for this post. Had to go no contact with older sibling 5 years ago. I am 65. I still have nightmares from her abuse especially after I see a relative or family friend and they ask about her and if we have spoken. Since they do not know aĺl the history and her cruelness towards me, I feel their judging eyes, like it was my fault. It triggers me every time. After my father passed, it is clearer to me now how he triangulated us - me, the scape goat, my sister, the golden child, and my alcoholic brother - the black sheep with favoritism and talking behind our backs. So yes, parents can influence child's self esteem and how the siblings get along into adulthood. 😢

I am 56 and I relate to many of the comments and the original story. I was the youngest but I was scapegoated too. My mothers bizarre behavior has slowly changed over the years but her past behavior and my brothers still hurt. I've not been strong enough to get an education but I feel good that I am sober and am married (#2) to a great guy and I have a son I am proud of.

Can you do a segment about forgiving yourself for being nice to narcissists? Now that my narc mother is dead, I'm sorry I was so nice to her and would have cut her off altogether had I known how happy and relieved I'd be after she died. Thank you. I was the scapegoat.

Yeah. I’m the youngest of three girls in an alcoholic home. My older sisters were so mean to me growing up, but my one sister has always had legitimate anger problems. She would chase me around the house with a knife and sit on my head as I screamed I couldn’t breathe. I’ve always had a story about myself that I’m annoying and people don’t want me around, and I think that largely formed because of the dynamic with my sisters. My oldest sister and I are very close now (I’m 25, her 32) but my middle sister is the one with anger issues and she was verbally and physically abusive to me from around 19-23/24. We’ve just begun to mend our relationship in the past year. It’s been really hard. I love her because she’s my sister and I see that she’s in pain. But i know that I didn’t deserve the abuse either. I walk on eggshells with her now, and things seem to be fine when I do. I just hope she gets help and finds true happiness one day.

It might be worth it to try to make contact with the deceased sister's children when they are adults. Just start by letting them know that a contact with her was tried and that you would like to know. how she was and why she died. Her children may have been taught to reject you, but just leaving them a phone number and an e-mail address may make somebody to think again. If they decide to keep no contact, then it is their choice and you can leave it at that. All the best to the writer of the letter!

Thank you for addressing this! As the youngest of 9, and a mom with manic depression, and a father disabled with RA...I was left to my siblings for care. I was the scapegoat and was often blamed, or left to care for my parents alone. I barely graduated high school.

My heart breaks, that she was treated so dismissively & cruelly as a girl. But good on her, she made a success of her life.

Wow this story is heart breaking. I hope she has the help she needs to work through all this.

I am an empath and have three sisters who are high functioning autistic. They tried to convince me that something was wrong with me. I have struggled with their warped perspectives my whole life. Only sorry that it took me sooooo long to figure out.

Please talk more about this. My situation with sibling abuse is so crushing. I feel intense hatred from them to the point I'm sure they wish I was dead. They have already stole a ton from me and are now trying to push me out of the inheritance. Sibling abuse is cruel on a whole new level. I pretty much can't find anyone talking about it. It's like they think kids are always innocent and it's only narcissistic parents. But, in my case, I have been scapegoatted by my siblings. I really believe my oldest brother prays I die. He is an outright bully to me. I have repeatedly asked to just talk with him to try and work it out, but he refuses. He literally has started crying in the family meetings saying I'm the bully because I won't remove myself from the family business. He has turned all but one other sibling entirely against me and the last one is stand offish. I could go on. It's just that I feel very isolated and discouraged. It's strange. In my case, it's like a weird form of extortion. They want me to leave and hand over my rights to the inheritance, so they bully me so badly I feel crushed and want to leave and just give them everything. But because of all theyve stolen from me, I'm now poor with 7 children and working to pull myself out of poverty. Which they are happy to rub in my face and gloat about how pathetic i am to be poor. But they, in large part, caused it! I want to say screw it! But, I can't with children to care for. They are just cruel. The reality is they are extorting me, but I can't prove it, because it's all so subtle and behind the scenes. Please pray for me. I need help.

My siblings were 14 and 10 years older than me; we didn't have a close relationship with each other but once I started working and having my own money and they could relate to me better (because I was an adult)...boy...they did a number on me financially and emotionally. Once I went "no contact" I didn't look back. My parents were gone and I was fed up with the chaotic dynamic. I have a hard rule, "no contact" is a last resort but once I go "no contact"; I don't turn back. Regardless of how many years pass, what healing has or has not taken place a relationship cannot be built on a crumbly foundation of hurt, mistrust and feeling unsafe.

Thank you so much for discussing this topic! It's not often discussed as often as parental abuse, but is still very real and takes time for an individual to heal from!

You are doing the lords work. Thank you for these series