Stop Apologizing. SAY THIS INSTEAD!
Рет қаралды 141,288
5 жыл бұрынI was recently reading an article on one of my favorite blogs Man Repeller about these two phrases and it really got me thinking. As an avid over apologizer I really wanted to understand the difference between the two and see where I could improve. Because if I’m being honest, I really hate that I say sorry so much, and I vividly remember getting yelled at by my softball coach to “stop saying sorry so much” to which I replied by saying (obviously) “sorry.” I was probably about 13 or 14 at the time, and after that interaction I became overly aware of just how often I found myself saying sorry. I would try to stop, but then I would feel like a total jerk and the guilt would ruin my day. I couldn’t figure out what to do, I even brought it up in therapy years later and my therapist tried to figure out why I was saying it so much.. Well maybe I can save you all those tough conversations and tell you what I learned about myself.
I say I’m sorry all the time because I hate upsetting people and I avoid confrontation at all costs. By saying I’m sorry, even when the situation doesn’t warrant it, I am doing my best to please others and stay out of the way so to speak. It’s almost like I needed to apologize for even existing, like I could upset someone by just being there.. So I would keep saying sorry over and over.
What my therapist had me do next is to work on my confidence. I know that may sound off base, but if I felt the need to apologize for just being, I obviously must not think too highly of myself. And that did help a TON, but I still found myself saying it too much. I am trying to be okay with the idea that I cannot please everyone. It’s simply not possible...I mean just think about it, if 2 people disagree with what should take place, what does someone like me do? If I don’t want to upset either of them I honestly can’t do anything. I will have to displease one of them, and you know what I have learned… it’s most important that I am pleased. And that’s the truth. One of my favorite quotes or sayings is “you can’t let yourself on fire to keep someone else warm” and I am really trying to remember that and have healthy boundaries around what I will do or not do for someone else, and truly what I will do for myself.
Okay, enough rambling on the topic of saying sorry. Now onto the phrase “thank you” because this is something I am trying to say more! While “sorry” is an apology and something you would say when you have wronged someone else, “thank you” is an acknowledgement of someone doing something right. You are letting them know you noticed it and you are grateful. For example if I show up late to meet someone instead of saying “sorry I’m late” because the other person will only say “oh it’s okay” and I will say sorry again and then they will say it’s okay again, and we will settle in. Instead if I say “thank you for waiting” I am acknowledging what they did for me. They waited. Sorry in a way makes it all about the person who did something wrong or inconsiderate instead of focusing of the person who was waiting. Does that make sense? I hope so. So after reading this blog post I have decided to try and say thank you when someone did something nice for me instead of saying sorry.
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@drumblebee 5 жыл бұрын
whenever im emailing a professor that i have to miss class due to mental health issues, i ALWAYS say either “thank you for your patience” or “thank you for your understanding” because im not actually sorry, its out of my control that im missing class
@Katimorton 5 жыл бұрын
I love that!!! So glad you do that because you are right.. taking care of our mental health isn't something we need to apologize for. xoxo
@katelynday3077 5 жыл бұрын
Love this idea. I will try to do this in the future.
@GDUniverse 5 жыл бұрын
This isn’t a mental health problem, this is more of being nice. Because your missing there class that they were expecting you to be at. I mean I don’t say this, I mostly hair say I won’t be at class. I mean good for you though.
@christinaluv1065 5 жыл бұрын
Well said!
@kerryirving2949 5 жыл бұрын
Maggie Buchanan I will try this, thank you
@PNE2611 5 жыл бұрын
Im British if I walk past someone on the street I say sorry
@cheeseburgerkid1329 5 жыл бұрын
HA! I`m Canadian. Sorry.
@katrinacryer8438 5 жыл бұрын
If someone bumps into me im like omg so sorry 😂😂
@avabaumann3250 5 жыл бұрын
Cheese Burger Kid no you say *sorry* (with Canadian accent)
@avabaumann3250 5 жыл бұрын
I’m from the States and I say “move bitch get out the way”
@pyd2215 5 жыл бұрын
As an Irish person, we are always appreciative of any British person saying sorry.
@athghost2256 5 жыл бұрын
Me: *accidentally steps on my cats foot* Me: thank you for walking under my feet even when I'm trying to move
@_just_TK 5 жыл бұрын
Øath Ghost 😹
@fionafiona1146 5 жыл бұрын
Thank you for being my overlord?
@jaycliinuy4627 5 жыл бұрын
Passive-aggressive. 😆
@GJ-fg9qy 3 жыл бұрын
I know you commented this a year ago but thank you for making me laugh for the first time in forever XD
@athghost2256 3 жыл бұрын
@@GJ-fg9qy No problem
@CarolynsRVLife 5 жыл бұрын
I learned a long time ago to stop apologizing for being me. I notice when I start doing it again it's because I'm feeling insecure for some reason and it's a sign to stop and assess.
@preciousvalentinolagv2328 Жыл бұрын
I felt this
@Emrader00 5 жыл бұрын
I have SUCH a bad problem with apologizing. I always feel like I’m wrong and that I’m hurting others. My math teacher is the one in my life that has yelled at me for saying sorry. But I don’t know how to stop because I alway feel self conscious and I have low self esteem so saying sorry helps me feel better because it relieves stress. I feel like I’m wrong all the time and I want to say sorry. I hate my self so much and saying sorry is me apologizing for me existing. I don’t know why but I always feel like a burden to the people around me and I feel like I have to please them because I can be happy. But I’m never happy so I don’t know what to do.
@ve-ronnie-ca 5 жыл бұрын
Leon Rader apologize to yourself and try to find what makes you happy. The thing I liked about this video is that apology traps you in this self loading bubble because you are apologizing while thinking about your mistakes or how you may feel you are one but thanking people will help get you out of your own head and thinking about what the other people did for you and maybe even help you realize how often people make room in their lives for you when you think you are a burden. And also what I found most helpful to build my self esteem is finding what I was good at and learning new things it made me feel valuable and smart but if you already have a talent maybe you just need talk to yourself and acknowledge yourself more and your potential . Experiment and take some risks and look deep inside to where you bury all your bad feeling and you’ll figure it out
@Katimorton 5 жыл бұрын
I totally understand.. and I honestly think the first thing to do is to start taking some time and the beginning and end of your day to say something nice about you and/or what you like about yourself or something you did well that day. Then and only then can we really begin to work on the saying sorry part.. you know?? xoxo
@blazevarone2344 5 жыл бұрын
Yelling at someone for how they show up in the world is incredibly rude and they should apologize.
@gardenia81 5 жыл бұрын
I feel the same way! Sending 💞
@KalujaFlizck 5 жыл бұрын
@@ve-ronnie-ca Try to say nothing instead of "sorry". It is in the silence where you will find the answer to this habit, this reflex. I hope you understand what I'm suggesting.
@themostgraciousqueenmarger2015 5 жыл бұрын
I used to say I'm sorry all the time when I was the one who was being abused
@Katimorton 5 жыл бұрын
I am so sorry you had to go through that :( oxo It's most definitely not your fault at all.
@johannak8879 5 жыл бұрын
I too ended up being a over-apologizer because of abuse. I think it came from thinking I must have done something wrong to be "punished" or mistreated, but since I didn't know what that was I ended up apologizing for even the smallest thing. I have been working on those topics though. I sincerely hope you have help dealing with the past & support and love for now and the future!
@foxbearchillinbytheriver 5 жыл бұрын
Johanna K same. It feels like a small safety shield in the hopes you won’t be lashed out at
@Guys_Love_Each_Other Ай бұрын
Thank you for enduring all those things so you can become strong tomorrow
@MrHackSatireVideos 5 жыл бұрын
I really struggle with this, as well. It drives my wife nuts!! I apologize when I get really passionate about a subject, and talk about it for longer than I think I should. I don't know why, though. Maybe I think that I'm boring the other person.
@Katimorton 5 жыл бұрын
It's interesting to think about right?!?! But just noticing and trying not to, or if it applies, saying thank you instead could help :) xox
@brinaw8791 5 жыл бұрын
I do the same thing
@naomikyle 5 жыл бұрын
I have to actively fight my urge to apologize on a daily basis. I'm definitely better than I was but it's a constant battle. Now that I understand why I do it (to please others/ avoid conflict/Canadian) I'm much better at catching myself. Actively fighting it helped me feel more confident and that's how you know it's the best thing for you.
@jamarihudson4105 2 жыл бұрын
Sorry to be off topic but does any of you know of a way to log back into an instagram account?? I was stupid lost the login password. I love any tricks you can give me!
@michaelcrockis7679 2 жыл бұрын
@@jamarihudson4105 Don't say "sorry". Say "thank you".
@michaelcrockis7679 2 жыл бұрын
> .../canadian... That was a nice touch! :)
@dislikecounter6392 2 жыл бұрын
Has nothing to do with Canadian..... Usually has to do with being screamed and yelled at for virtually no reason in your youth tho. This is why its actually important if like your kids spill milk or make a tiny mess.. you dont look upset you just kinda laugh it off a little... You can always tell when someone had some shit parents because they get all anxious when they break something or spill something.. its kinda sad to watch understanding where it comes from.
@robertjamesstove 8 ай бұрын
Re Canadians, it's said that the prizewinning entry in a newspaper contest for the best completion of the simile "as Canadian as ..." was "as Canadian as possible under the circumstances."
@abbeyc4865 5 жыл бұрын
I think it comes from the same place as being a people pleaser... Great video!
@ShamsunNahar-nf1ty 5 жыл бұрын
I thought so too.
@Katimorton 5 жыл бұрын
Totally!! It definitely comes from that too!! xoxo
@Andres64B 5 жыл бұрын
I was thinking the same thing. And does being a people-pleaser come from fear of rejection? Fear of being left as in BPD? Aren't those both basically just trust issues?
@abbeyc4865 5 жыл бұрын
@@Andres64B I think it usually comes from trust issues. Trust issues is not always from rejection/abandonment though....
@aussiejubes 5 жыл бұрын
Oh yeah!
@AD-gl2tw 5 жыл бұрын
I literally just write down in my journal I need to stop pleasing everybody except for myself. I need it this video. Thank you Kati
@Katimorton 5 жыл бұрын
Of course!! SO glad it was helpful :) xoxo
@unleashingpotential-psycho9433 5 жыл бұрын
I have seen people who apologize for things that aren’t even their fault. I feel like over apologizing is not good for someone’s mental health since they are indirectly taking blame for things they never did 🔥🔥🔥
@Your_Entire_Reality_Is_A_Lie 5 жыл бұрын
Ten thousand thumbs up. Wow, explained my mind n situation to a t...I'm ALWAYS saying sorry....my daughter laughed at me for even saying SORRY TO A DONKEY!! I honked my horn accidentally and scared it..I yelled out SORRY!!!.I am immediately apologizing to EVERYONE....and......every animal......
@LifeWithUs 5 жыл бұрын
Being the eldest children in a house of verbal and physical abuse, with parents of addiction, it was essential to apologize for everything. As an adult I've found it impossible to break this habit. And instead of society finding it as a positive quality, most find it annoying. For me it is an indicator of someone with a similar childhood. When someone else apologizes as profusely as I do, it opens a door to a deeper conversation. Kinda interesting 😊
@diak2009 5 жыл бұрын
I am the youngest in my family and the scapegoat. I was forced to admit to and apologize for doing things I didn't do. I remember being 3 yrs old and my father beating with the belt while saying it was hurting him more than me for which I had to apologize for. After someone questioned me, as an adult, as to why I was saying, "I'm sorry", so much, I realized that expressing gratitude and appreciation lead to more positive feelings for them and me.
@elfuega 3 жыл бұрын
That's me too. Was abused as a child.
@ShamsunNahar-nf1ty 5 жыл бұрын
To be honest, I am too shy to even say sorry but even if I do apologize, I'll be awkward and then blame myself forever for being rude.
@ILikeBigCatsAndICannotLie 5 жыл бұрын
Same
@kerryirving2949 5 жыл бұрын
Shamsun Nahar I find I also have this problem. I think it's down to anxiety & self esteem issues for me
@Dancestar1981 5 жыл бұрын
kerry Irving same especially growing up being bullied at school and in the workforce for over twenty years
@AD-gl2tw 5 жыл бұрын
I love your hair
@Katimorton 5 жыл бұрын
Thanks!! xoxo
@krystal3010 5 жыл бұрын
@@Katimorton How did you do your hair color? At home or in a salon?
@BOAZ77 4 жыл бұрын
Sorry
@heavenhell6666 2 жыл бұрын
Deep sh*t video and best comment is this, i love it 😂 but true, the hair is beautiful!😍
@CyanidePusher 5 жыл бұрын
I love this! I started practicing this a couple years ago and I noticed a huge difference, especially in my work. If someone is annoyed and I say "Thank you for your patience" it's like a cloud is lifted off of them and the irritation is dispelled. They almost take it like a compliment. :)
@Katimorton 5 жыл бұрын
Totally!! It's so surprising how much it shifts the mood or vibe of the interaction! Thank you so much for sharing :) xoxo
@AjaCandita 5 жыл бұрын
The timing on this video is prescient, looks like it resonates with so many of us. I apologize SO much, like so much. When I over-apologize in therapy my counselor asks why are you apologizing and I never have an answer. I’ve never thought about why I feel the need to constantly apologize, maybe I should be looking into it. Thanks Kati, feels like you read the minds of your Kinions.
@Katimorton 5 жыл бұрын
Awe I am so glad it was timed well for you!! I hope you are able to figure out where that urge comes from for you :) xoxo
@okapi2323 5 жыл бұрын
I have a service dog in training and her vest literally says "service dog in training" and "do not pet" in big lettering. People still ask me "Can I pet your dog?" (which I'm grateful for because its better then just walking up to her and petting her.) Anyways, I always respond with "No, i'm sorry shes working." And I just realized what am I sorry for? My dog is not there to entertain the public, she has a job to do and one of the keys to her success is by having people not petting her. From now on my goal is to say "Thanks for asking, but shes working." This is just one example as I too over use the word sorry in everyday life. But now I can be a work in progress on this ;)
@donaldstanfield8862 5 жыл бұрын
"No, but we thank you, it interferes with the training.
@amberlee7343 4 жыл бұрын
It also reinforces them to ask before petting like good humans. Aaaaaand it segues well into telling them how that interferes with their training so they will know what that means
@pdxkbdb 3 жыл бұрын
That’s a great way to respond!
@dislikecounter6392 2 жыл бұрын
I mean.... I see this as just being polite and not unwarranted both work fine... If however you are gonna sit here thinking this is something you should work on.. you might want to focus on real issues.. instead of your own little fake ones lol.
@dislikecounter6392 2 жыл бұрын
@@donaldstanfield8862 Lol.... I mean if you wanna be totally honest it literally says Do Not Pet. You could honestly just ask them if they can read English.. and point at the vest.. Anyone asking you if they can pet your dog when you go out of the way to put this vest on your dog is kind of being rude to you and disrespectful... Those people usually think they are extra special.
@shannonsweeney3484 5 жыл бұрын
I get this because I over apologize but on the other hand I do appreciate it when someone apologizes when they have/or think they have done something wrong, even if I say it’s fine. Also I have someone who I’m very fond of but uses thank you sometimes I think to stop me getting mad if they take advantage, so I think it depends.
@SweettCurls 5 жыл бұрын
I have this problem where I say “I don’t know” a lot. Especially when committing to a decision or an opinion. I recently got called out on it, and I couldn’t figure out why I say “ I don’t know “a lot.
@BrillGirl82 Жыл бұрын
I do too. I think it’s also a confidence thing - like not having confidence in the thing(s) we actually *do* know or not having confidence in speaking up about them, so we say “I don’t know” instead.
@C_Bat 5 жыл бұрын
I just finished a LadyLike video where they got personal assistants, there were literally comments saying "don't say sorry, say thank you for their help". Then this came up...... wow.
@Katimorton 5 жыл бұрын
Perfect timing :) xoxo
@MotherOfWednesday 5 жыл бұрын
"Thank you" is something EVERYONE should really meditate on and do more of in their daily life, regardless of whether they overapologize. The people in your life don't "just know you are grateful" because you love them. Gratitude goes a long way as far as keeping relationships healthy and communication open. Don't take the small thing for granted they add up to a lot.
@caitlinholt509 5 жыл бұрын
I have lived with an emotionally abusive/unavailable mother and no siblings almost my whole 29 years... not by choice. And daily, I notice how I just apologize to get her to leave me alone. Terminal people pleaser.... I work hard everyday to be a better person. Thank you for sharing this! Cause I apologize for existing all the time!!!
@funtimes829 5 жыл бұрын
So true,when you have self confidence, you start saying thank you instead of sorry.
@Guys_Love_Each_Other Ай бұрын
yup
@NicoleCamileSantosAlexandre 5 жыл бұрын
Great advice! Thank you 🙏❤
@JaneyImaaniEmotionalAwareness 5 жыл бұрын
I have said sorry and betrayed myself for things I didn’t do and didn’t even mean to do because the relationship meant so much to me. But the self betrayal turned into resentment very quickly and it destroyed the very relationship I was trying to persevere anyway 💕😢
@JaneyImaaniEmotionalAwareness 5 жыл бұрын
Thank you for another great video 💕
@jessa9824 5 жыл бұрын
"Needed to apologize for existing" Gurl! I feel ya.
@TT-fl8jt 4 жыл бұрын
Thank you for existing!
@dianasummers2942 5 жыл бұрын
I'm an over-apologizer as well and have a tendency to feel the same way, like I am a burden on someone else, just for existing. So, I am diligently trying to work harder to thank people instead of apologizing all the time, and I feel like the communication barriers open up a little bit easier for both parties and the tension is not there as much and our conversations go a lot more smoothly.
@taylorkh818 5 жыл бұрын
This has been something absolutely life changing I've worked on while recovering from an abusive relationship and since becoming disabled. I used to say sorry for the reasons you stated - I felt bad and guilty for taking up space (which I take up a lot because I use mobility aids) and asking for help, as well as being legitimately fearful of the consequences of upsetting those around me (which is part of my PTSD from my abusive relationship). As I've worked through trauma and started becoming more confident in my needs and existence as a disabled person I have actively changed my word use from sorry to thank you. I've been working at this for 3 years and I'm still not perfect at it. I still say sorry when it's not necessary and when I don't really want to just because it's my natural reflex (I also say it a lot to people I don't know super well because I am afraid they might react to situations in a way that will trigger my anxiety or PTSD. Saying sorry to strangers and acquaintances is still an automatic defense mechanism I'm working hard to change). When I do say sorry unnecrssarily I have found it very important to not get mad at myself because that will contribute to any low self confidence that I have. Instead, in the moment if I say sorry, I will follow up with a thank you. This doesn't work all the time, but when it does it prevents me from getting upset with myself and it's good reminder and practice for the future. I loved this video so much, I think this idea of thank you vs sorry is so important when working on confidence and recovery from trauma.
@Flow86767 5 жыл бұрын
*Even more powerful would be using both.Being sorry that you’re late but thankful that they waited.*
@rosar.4293 5 жыл бұрын
This video reminds me of something someone said on a show "It amazes me the lengths women will go to not be rude"
@artKarolina 5 жыл бұрын
Even though I'm Canadian, I only say sorry when I'm truly sorry. I think you nailed the concept on the head. The only other time I say sorry out of reflex is when I feel like I'm taking up someone's time by having them listen to me, and you make a great point to say thanks instead.
@mickybyrne60 5 жыл бұрын
Love the new hair! It really suits you.
@Katimorton 5 жыл бұрын
Awe thank you :) xoxo
@aubreyelaine1123 5 жыл бұрын
As a lifelong chronic people pleaser, I so appreciate this!! Thanks for the post.
@alisonhilaire4170 5 жыл бұрын
WOW 🤯!!! I find this simple swapping "sorry" for "thank you" idea, mind blowing! I simply stopped apologizing in some situations and struggle with others, so this idea is so much better.
@dominique6388 5 жыл бұрын
People always say that I apologize to much. Thanks for this video! This could really help me!
@saakshisinsinwar 5 жыл бұрын
Kati...this was a wonderful topic ! Loved how your personal insight enriched this...I had a very similar childhood experience of being chided for saying sorry too much! I’m taking a note of the words you quoted “ you can’t light yourself on fire to warm others”. Great tip of replacing our sorrys with thank yous! Makes total sense!!
@Katimorton 5 жыл бұрын
I am so glad you liked it!! yay! xoxo
@saakshisinsinwar 5 жыл бұрын
@@Katimorton Oh absolutely loved it!😄
@floralflowersz 5 жыл бұрын
this sums up every person in the UK
@Julia-LArt 5 жыл бұрын
Guilty!
@SJL07 5 жыл бұрын
'Apologize for even existing...' That really hit home with me. I always feel like I'm at the mercy of other peoples crap...my family, my friends, my coworkers and bosses. Like I'm the one who always screws up. After watching this video I went into work this morning and stood up for myself. I said 'No, I'm not doing that anymore' to my boss when I was given my assignment. In almost 30 years of work I've never said that to a boss before. My daughter tried to make me feel bad in a text she sent but I'm not going to fall for that either. I'm not sorry! I didn't do anything wrong. Thank you for the empowerment 💪
@glenfelkey4994 5 жыл бұрын
I'm the same way. I have horrible self confidence and I say sorry all the time. This information really helps. Thank you
@zarza9 5 жыл бұрын
I didn’t know how much i needed this video... THANK YOU!!!!! ❤️
@like90 5 жыл бұрын
One time I got drunk at a wedding and then spent the entire time apologizing to the bride and groom. I'm Canadian so it's like a national sport to apologize to everyone including inanimate objects. Edit: I forgot to mention that I don't drink much. Also I say sorry way too much to begin with - all jokes aside about Canadians and all.
@Anna-tc6rz 5 жыл бұрын
I'm american, inanimate objects apologize to me :P
@hectorandem2944 5 жыл бұрын
Always thank the plants for all that oxygen. 👌
@like90 5 жыл бұрын
@@Anna-tc6rz lol too funny.
@sixteen.candles.4644 5 жыл бұрын
Well I that situation is understandable when it comes to apolozing. It's when you do it in excess and you're not at fault.
@CaitlinStoryLovesYou 5 жыл бұрын
Ahhh my therapist (and everyone else) always gets on to me about apologizing. I come from an abusive household. Definitely stems from there.
@nathangambrell2771 3 жыл бұрын
I absolutely love the idea of replacing an apology with a term of gratitude. Brilliant!
@captainamerica4244 5 жыл бұрын
Kati you're so beautiful everything about you is so perfect,the thought of there being other people like you gives me hope
@Mari-B 5 жыл бұрын
Thank you for this Katie! You are helping me SO much!!🙂❤
@nikiichan 4 жыл бұрын
I realize I start and end emails by apologizing and most of the time I do just apologize for existing. I do not have healthy boundaries and no my sense of self worth isn't too great but those are difficult things to work on. Thank you for highlighting that for me!
@mommyteacher2961 5 жыл бұрын
Growing up with a mother with NPD, I learned that making mistakes was never okay, so when I wasn't "perfect" I asked for forgiveness in order to gain approval and avoid abuse. So, I said sorry all the time and I'm still, at almost 50(!). trying to stop. I am getting better!
@debbiorvis9305 5 жыл бұрын
This video is amazing it has helped me so much when I first read or heard you say stop saying sorry and say thank you I was like what? And then I listened to your video and it all made perfect sense!! what a great way for a replacement behavior!
@jimmcintyre4390 5 жыл бұрын
Whoa! You are like candy for my brain. Such insightful information.
@heatherdee9667 5 жыл бұрын
I'm similar to you, I heavily avoid confrontation to the point I take my anger out on myself, and I hate having people mad at me, so I apologize even if I'm not in the wrong. Working on it!
@williefixxx963 4 жыл бұрын
Because of your "differences", is what makes you such a good therapist
@hannahhonn5190 5 жыл бұрын
Kati. You’re doing huge things girl, keep going. This video changed the game for me. Thank you. 💜
@Katimorton 5 жыл бұрын
Awe yay!! And you are very welcome :) xoxo
@kimberlyhallam3171 5 жыл бұрын
I love this video and am going to try your technique of reframing into a “thank you” instead when warranted. Thank you for all your videos! ❤️
@15.johnsonangel 5 жыл бұрын
I moved from the "sorry" habit by saying "I apologize" instead. I came across something that said, by constantly saying "sorry" you're continuously damaging yourself by calling yourself sorry or less than. By switching to "I apologize" it makes you actually think about the situation and if you actually want to give an apology. It also makes it easier to say "Thank you" when appropriate. Thanks for sharing this!
@adaode3413 5 жыл бұрын
Yes!! Thank you so much! Also: one thing I have started with is replying to apologies with saying «thank you» instead of «Noooo, it's fine!» (or something along that line). Because way too often, an apology is *very much appreciated,* but it doesn't necessarily make everything better.
@sofiavelez343 5 жыл бұрын
I loved hearing your experience! Thanks for sharing
@mylufCGH 5 жыл бұрын
Nice video! I think this is also very great for practicing self-love, because I'm descovering more and more on how important that can be. I tend to blame myself for a lot of things, and although sometimes that is true, other times it can be completely unnecessary and not helping the situation at all. Saying thank you just sets you off on a much more positive note! ♥️♥️
@georgia5713 5 жыл бұрын
That's exactly it, Kati. You explain it very well. Very similar to something I learned when going to CODA meetings. "You can't simultaneously make a boundary and take care of the other person's feelings. " that was a huge Aha moment for me, and has released me over the years from a lot of guilt. Thank you.
@SK_TorON 5 жыл бұрын
I can relate to this so much! My daily companion, "Sorry", is like a plea "Don't harm me!", and realizing that makes me feel stupid and weak. Surely there has to be a middle ground between this tendency to over-apologize and behaving like a jerk! But to me that middle ground seems like a very narrow strip, and the only way not to stray into the "land of jerkdom" is to say keep saying sorry... Thank you for this honest video, Kati!
@meganium1503 5 жыл бұрын
Just dropping in to say thank you. This little tip has changed my life and improved my career and relationships. :)
@MsClaret2010 5 жыл бұрын
Such an interesting subject. I used to apologise a lot when I was a child,maybe due to lack of self confidence and not wanting to upset people. Over the years I've realised that a lot of the time I don't have to say sorry, because I don't have anything to say sorry for, and much of the time it's not up to me to make that other person feel better (because sometimes I'd encounter overbearing or narcissistic people who would project onto me, so much so I'd feel it was 'my fault' etc), recognising this projection amongst other things, as well as leaving those toxic kinds of relationships has helped a lot. I also think the saying thank you to people is important, two simple words, whose meaning carries so much weight and acknowledgement! Thank you for all you do Kati! 😊🤗 xx BTW your hair is so so nice! 🔥😁
@Koshizan 5 жыл бұрын
I enjoyed this video. It made me think about how often I say sorry at work and at home when I've been missing some chances to acknowledge the kindness of others instead. When it is genuine, I think it is a great way to let people know you are aware of the things they do for you. I'll try and keep this in mind.
@LauraLeyvaStaysafeStayinformed 5 жыл бұрын
"You can't set yourself on fire to keep others warm" Penny Reid, Beard in Mind
@amathyst2223 5 жыл бұрын
I definitely don't have this problem but when my family would make me apologize to someone close to me in my family I would have panic attacks because saying sorry involves eye contact which scares me...im glad my family doesn't make me say sorry to people
@Anna-tc6rz 5 жыл бұрын
Eye contact? I am not familiar with this concept lol
@amathyst2223 5 жыл бұрын
@@Anna-tc6rz well I would look at the floor when I had to apologize or say sorry to someone because making eye contact is terrifying for me
@Anna-tc6rz 5 жыл бұрын
@@amathyst2223 its terrifying for a lot of people. Funny story when I was a kid someone suggested I look as close to their eyes as possible so it would look like I was making eye contact and basically work my way closer .... I got about as far up as the upper chest.... yeah no one told me about that for years because they didnt wanna make me feel more awkward.
@jaydenhuete6293 5 жыл бұрын
Just subscribed, i've watched a few of your videos and I wanted to say thank you! My favorited part of the vids are the high pitched "welcome"s
@Llight-qg9tc 5 жыл бұрын
Yes indeed. You have the sweetest voice💓😄
@_just_TK 5 жыл бұрын
Gaming Squirr3l Welcome to the Community!!
@openupcounselling233 5 жыл бұрын
Here channel is definitely informative. Thanks for sharing!.
@Karen-vl7vf 5 жыл бұрын
I'm also a chronic over-apologizer. It was always encouraged, I would get praised for being "good" when I apologized and scolded for selfishness when I wouldn't. One thing my therapist did was have me explain exactly what I was apologizing for whenever I would apologize in session. Took a lot of explanations, but having to think about what you are actually apologizing for instead of having it be knee jerk helped me out a lot.
@staceymurf 5 жыл бұрын
This is definitely me. I hate confrontation, I always feel like I have to say sorry. Even for no reason, I’m sorry for being me. Yep, I always say thank you. I’m thankful to the extent I feel like I have to give them something. I’m too nice..
@Flow86767 5 жыл бұрын
-Sorry- *Thank you*
@BrittanySchank 5 жыл бұрын
You take a sip of your trusty vault 13 canteen. Love this! ❤️
@Lillie-mae.Edwards 5 жыл бұрын
😍😍😍OMG Kati 🙋♀️ I apologise soo much. I think it’s liked to trauma but also just because I feel like I should
@Katimorton 5 жыл бұрын
It could be due to trauma.. I assume everyone apologizes for their own reason. But it's just helpful to notice and try to figure out why. xoxo
@kerryirving2949 5 жыл бұрын
Bethanie p I agree!
@thequestess 5 жыл бұрын
Someone once told me, when I was apologizing for something trivial, "don't apologize. It means you're in a place of of sorrow" (sorry/sorrow). It made me stop and think. By thanking, you're instead in a place of gratitude. That's pretty neat :D
@jenniferwells2291 3 ай бұрын
I've said I'm sorry on a constant basis since I was young. I'm guessing it's from growing up in an abusive home and always feeling I needed to take responsibility for my mistakes at all times no matter how tiny or unnecessary. It drove one guys nuts
@thefruitdude8001 5 жыл бұрын
Great idea. I'll try it out :)
@MusicIsARainbow 5 жыл бұрын
Hi Katie! I think an interesting video would be your thoughts on life coaching. I'm seeing this sprout up more and more and I wonder how therapists feel about this trend. 😊 As for this topic, I found myself apologizing during labor anytime I made the nurse's job more difficult. 😄
@Katimorton 5 жыл бұрын
I can definitely talk about that!! I will add it to my Thursday list :) because I have some friends who coach and many others who are therapists.. so I feel comfortable weighing in on it :) xoxo
@MusicIsARainbow 5 жыл бұрын
@@Katimorton Looking forward to it! Thank you! 😗
@openupcounselling233 5 жыл бұрын
As a counsellor I have seen loads of life coaches on KZfaq, I don't think its a bad thing and there's definitely an overlap in the use of theory they use. However, I wouldn't see a life coach if I was in a crisis, but definitely good people on a whole. One of the reasons I started the openup channel was because we need more therapy based channels tbh.
@danielledorchester9739 5 жыл бұрын
@@Katimorton I would love to see this too!
@jenb6910 5 жыл бұрын
This is my biggest issue, I'm a people pleaser. Coupled with depression, anxiety and OCD, sometimes it hard! But I actively try every day to remind myself that I'm only 1 person, I try my best with a genuine heart, and leave it at that. I focus on my husband and my girls and always give thanks for my blessings ❤🙏
@storytellerhut3488 5 жыл бұрын
This had my name all over it... A few things I realized after I watched this. 1) my friends aren’t wrong- I do over apologize because I constantly feel “bad”. When you DO a bad thing it is right and good to apologize, the trouble comes because i feel like I AM a bad thing. 2) because I feel “bad” I really want people to either affirm my feelings “yes- you are bad, this was a big deal!” Or I want people to tell me I am ok. “No, it’s ok, no harm done...” my feeling “bad” becomes an issue when I make the conversation all about ME. Which is what “I’m sorry” does whether we mean it to or not. I like the thank you thing because it takes whatever I did, whoever I think I am (my guilt or shame) out of the spot light and it acknowledges those I care about for doing (perhaps putting up with) things for me. Great points.
@aryxn0 5 жыл бұрын
I have really bad habit of apologizing so much and one time a classmate even said to me after i sid sorry to him for something small that you shouldn't say sorry so much or else people are gonna lose respect for you and they won't treat you like everyone else
@charlisparkles 5 жыл бұрын
Sounds like it could also be an issue of good manners/bad manners if that is the attitude in the classroom!! However, as an over-apoligizer, I can confirm it can affect how people react to you. I used to say sorry a lot more, but it just reflected badly on me - particularly in business but also with friends. Made me feel (and appear) useless!
@luzc5745 5 жыл бұрын
Thank you! For the cc in spanish!
@Katimorton 5 жыл бұрын
Of course!!! xoxo
@CodyHenriksen 5 жыл бұрын
I say sorry for everything. When I was in high school a coworker at my part time job just asked me, “why are you sorry?” It was so direct but then it had me thinking really when I should make myself feel guilt and relay it to others. Saying thank you is a great way to acknowledge someone else.
@hairyfrankfurt 5 жыл бұрын
I’m an over apologiser too. My narcissistic mother left me feeling like I shouldn’t be seen or heard, and so I apologise for existing. I relate so hard to this, I’m gonna try the thank you thing!
@hikingviking859 5 жыл бұрын
Yes, women are given the message culturally that they need to apologize for being who they are.
@Katimorton 5 жыл бұрын
And that's so unfortunate :( But we can change it!!! xoxo
@launebar5262 5 жыл бұрын
@RandomUncertainty But more women than men. Culturally it makes sense, if you think about it.
@launebar5262 5 жыл бұрын
@RandomUncertainty Traditional gender roles. For hundreds of years, women had to be kind, forgiving, submit theirselfs to their husbands etc. You cannot erase all that in only a couple of generations.
@launebar5262 5 жыл бұрын
@RandomUncertainty Did you watch the whole video? Are you sure, we're talking about the same thing? It's about actual everyday situations, "Oh I'm sorry!" here, "Sorry for my..." there. Actually saying it, over and over, and actually feeling sorry and being sure 'Everything is my fault!' (without any anger, more like: 'I'm so afraid, they're not gonna like me, if I don't apologize!". It's not about people/men having the vague feeling, someone/women is/are against them (Btw, nobody ever said: "All masculinity is toxic.", you got that wrong; that's not, what the term "toxic masculinity" means). Do you really say "Oh, I'm so sorry!", in everyday life, over and over? The video isn't about: "What do you want from me? I did nothing wrong! I'm not gonna apologize!" Please let's stick to the actual subject of the video. PS: Many, many people say: "Woman say 'I'm sorry' more often than men.". I'm just one of them, that's all (I can assure you, there is no agenda here). Comedians make jokes about it (Amy Schumer for instance - and she said nothing against men there).
@launebar5262 5 жыл бұрын
@RandomUncertainty What? Read definitions, before you attack people; you don't know what you're talking about. It says a lot about you, how you are acting here. Seeing female enemies everywhere, for no reason at all; in the comment section of a channel for people with mental health problems. I mean, seriously... That's it, I'm turning the notifications off. It's valentine's day for gods sake. Better things to do, then to argue with you. Your drama, not mine. Unbelievable.
@jamie4303 5 жыл бұрын
This is my first time watching your videos, but omg ur so cute and sweet
@_just_TK 5 жыл бұрын
Jamie Welcome to the Community!
@Graceland2776 4 жыл бұрын
I have worked in fast food for several years and have noticed that guests respond to, "thank you so much for your patience" much more positively than, "sorry about the wait." I think it boils down to looking at the positives as well as making the guest feel valued. it gives them the sense that I care about them and appreciate them.
@chrysalizubeth88 5 жыл бұрын
I really like the idea of switching from “sorry” to “thank you” more. I apologize all the time, mostly I think to try to show respect for other people but at the same time I think they often see me as weaker for it.
@ciaramcalary 5 жыл бұрын
i know this is completely irrelevant but can someone help me out with an issue i got- school is so much stress and recently i’ve felt like i’ve been constantly down and over thinking to the point of panic in lessons. i find telling people especially family about anything personal really hard because i don’t like attention at all. recently i think my friends have noticed how different i’ve been but i’m 80% sure they think i’m attention seeking which is the last thing i want id rather if they’d think i was invisible
@_just_TK 5 жыл бұрын
Ciaza I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. I definitely went through something similar when I was in school. Kati has a great video on how to ask for help without feeling needy! I’ll link it below as well as a playlist on dealing with school stress. Hope this helps!!! kzfaq.info/get/bejne/h5mhodmpzK3RXZ8.html kzfaq.info/sun/PL_loxoCVsWqyPxpJVf1z2p780iVufYz8h
@TheLoullas 5 жыл бұрын
Do you know of nonviolent communition from Marshall rosenberg? He also said a few things about apologising and he helped me so much with this topic and i think it could help you too!:)
@MolotovBg 5 жыл бұрын
This is amazing advice. I often apologize for nothing and it always puts me in a bad position, especially at work. Thank you for this video.
@Ronihot2 2 жыл бұрын
Everytime i catch myself from saying sorry and actually say thank you instead. It feels amazing. Thank you buddy
@laureldudek8878 5 жыл бұрын
Hi Kati! I have a question about receiving proper care in therapy and it would be great to hear your perspective! I struggle with panic disorder, generalized anxiety, and depression. However, I have always been high functioning. This has lead me to put off getting help because I seemed ok to others. That being said, I have recently begun to seek professional help. However, my mother seems to think that my appearance will stop me from receiving appropriate care. I don’t dress up to go to appointments, however I will put on light makeup and look neat when I go, because that is simply something I do when I go out. My appearance is an outlet of my self expression, and I find routines like doing my hair and makeup to be soothing and a creative outlet. I don’t feel like changing my appearance to be “believable” would be productive to my recovery. After all, wouldn’t that be a form of dishonesty? However, I want to be believed by my treatment team. Help! I don’t know how to proceed. Also congrats on your book! And thank you so much for your channel 💕💕💕
@_just_TK 5 жыл бұрын
Laurel Dudek trust me, therapists won’t automatically think you have all your shit together just because you don’t look like you just got out of bed. You need to be your most authentic self for therapy to work and if looking nice and put together is important for you, then do what feels right! Kati has a bunch of amazing videos on therapy including what to expect and if you are “sick enough” for therapy. I put a link to a playlist below. Congrats on starting therapy!!! kzfaq.info/sun/PL_loxoCVsWqxBJ6sFwpS3JAAL8HLKbHYa
@johnnyutah6056 5 жыл бұрын
Nice hair👍😍
@Katimorton 5 жыл бұрын
Thanks! xox
@DerAua 5 жыл бұрын
I really like this. "Sorry" puts you a bit in the hands of the other person. They can start complaining and give you a hard time. If you say "thank you" you kind of take a bit more of an authoritative stance and put the matter to rest. Unless the other person is very angry or just plain mean, this leads into the next subject and you can get down to the business at hand.
@hezixiao 4 жыл бұрын
Just the way you always say "welcome!" is a big reason why I'm subscribed to you, Kati! ADORABLE
@TheMastermann10 5 жыл бұрын
Hey Kati, you said you went to therapy. Does that mean that therapist need therapy as well? I’ve never really thought of that! That’s so interesting. Anyways I apologize to much and I really find this interesting and will be trying this. Thanks Kati
@_just_TK 5 жыл бұрын
Connor Mann Kati has a whole video on Why therapists should be in therapy! kzfaq.info/get/bejne/qNecqbd5ycmVmY0.html
@Julia-LArt 5 жыл бұрын
Connor Mann all therapists need to go through therapy as part of their training.
@SarahLizDoan 5 жыл бұрын
Connor Mann therapists must have their own therapy to become a therapist and any good therapist with have his/her own therapist while practicing. Totally necessary!
@kerryirving2949 5 жыл бұрын
Ju Lia I didn't know that
@Julia-LArt 5 жыл бұрын
kerry Irving yes, it's essential to the training process. :)
@Ember-Raine 5 жыл бұрын
I used to get yelled at a lot for saying sorry too much,and I still do way too often. I hate confrontation and I say sorry in pretty much every situation. My fiance absolutely hates it, especially when I'm apologizing for things that I shouldn't be. I really need to start working on it again,and this video actually helped a lot. Thank you for covering this issue.
@anime-rx 5 жыл бұрын
I don’t think you understand how many times I nodded my head in agreement throughout this video. I apologize all the time! Thanks so much for the wonderful and informative video!!!!
@juliegarcia1057 Жыл бұрын
Oh my goodness…your are telling my story! I’ve been fussed at by people for apologizing so much too. I also apologized for apologizing! I’m 54 and going to therapy now to figure out who I am and how to set healthy boundaries because I don’t even know who I really am or what is even really important to me (I.e. what I want in life)
@lndylu2002 4 жыл бұрын
This is something I heard a few years ago and try to use often, I don't apologize for taking up space, I merely say oh let me scoot over and make some room for you, I don't apologize for interrupting my boss in a meeting I say excuse me. It is a small thing but gives you back so much power little by little as you stop apologizing for existing.
@suek6466 5 жыл бұрын
We can convey regret without saying "I'm sorry." "Forgive me, I apologize, I'm sad or I regret I hurt you" are all fair substitutes if an actual apology is needed. Way to go, Kati!! Great topic & awesome work. 😁 This is a really challenging one to change. Super glad you shared it! 👍
@djpdjisme Жыл бұрын
Instead of saying “I’m sorry for your lost.” Say “Thank you for your lost.”
@v.j.morrison1784 5 жыл бұрын
Someone once told me that I say I’m sorry way too much!! He recommended I count how many times a day that I say I’m sorry! Your advice is even better! Thank you!!