How longing keeps us from healthy relationships | Amanda McCracken | TEDxCU

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TEDx Talks

TEDx Talks

8 ай бұрын

As a 40-year-old virgin, journalist Amanda McCracken realized she was addicted to longing for love. When she began investigating the neurological, psychological, and cultural forces that get us hooked on anticipation, she realized she wasn’t alone. In this inspiring and informative talk, Amanda uses her personal story and research to illustrate how longing can become self-sabotaging and how to change your patterns to realize your dreams, whether it’s a relationship or a trip to a foreign land.
Amanda McCracken is a journalist passionate about experiences that highlight the intersection of wellness, travel, and relationships. Her work has been published in The New York Times, Washington Post, Guardian, Vogue, National Geographic, Elle, NPR, Outside, ESPN, and Runner’s World. The BBC and Katie Couric have interviewed her about longing. For 15 years, McCracken worked as an instructor at CU’s International English Center. Originally from Cincinnati, Boulder has been home since 2003. When McCracken’s not writing, she’s caring for her daughter, running trails with her husband, or editing her podcast The Longing Lab. McCracken is also a certified massage therapist and triathlon coach. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

Пікірлер: 152
@coolbreeze5683
@coolbreeze5683 8 ай бұрын
Longing is another way to say "it's not the destination, it's the journey". I've been on a spiritual path for the past few years and have trained my brain to live more in gratitude than longing for what I don't have. The same way she said longing is like a muscle, gratitude is also like a muscle. You gradually begin to not crave the drama or the dopamine of pursuing something fleeting but can be centered and calm, cultivating and accessing that love within yourself.
@ekennahutchinson1636
@ekennahutchinson1636 8 ай бұрын
Lovely summary
@Lowdermoomoo
@Lowdermoomoo 8 ай бұрын
@@ekennahutchinson1636 I didn’t do this intentionally, but I’ve always been kind of content and happy in the moment, I do have dreams, and aspirations but that doesn’t stop me from being happy that I have money and Gas in my tank to go get a McFlurry. To eat good food, enjoy my company. I always like to look to the future while simultaneously enjoying my present.
@BelleLopez312
@BelleLopez312 Ай бұрын
I am thankful for the many kind and generous strangers whose names I would never know. It's possible to give and receive Unconditional Love from strangers. 🤷🏻 It is also said that it's the result of having Faith in God. 🙂
@TilikaVispute
@TilikaVispute Ай бұрын
Thank you for this comment! 🎉
@imtiazismail8034
@imtiazismail8034 29 күн бұрын
Thank you for sharing your thoughts- it’s beautifully expressed
@dhouhababa8876
@dhouhababa8876 3 ай бұрын
healthy love happens when we are not in a position of weakness - when we are not afraid of loss and when we are not waiting for someone to fill in a gap in us. Longing for the hero is an illusion , a mirage. it would be better if the person works on themselves and get rid of addictive attachement.
@amattes1960
@amattes1960 10 күн бұрын
Patriarchy kept women in a state of social inferiority and dependence which is why so many of us are habituated to this state, and put up with so much.
@yy.unlimited
@yy.unlimited Ай бұрын
"you allow your heart to hurt bad enough to make a change." 😮‍💨
@madhurimadutta4122
@madhurimadutta4122 19 күн бұрын
Listening to that suddenly vacuumed me into everything I overdid in the name of receiving love in the past, now that I embody it, it's so clear
@wenami
@wenami Ай бұрын
Nothing wrong with saving the goodies for someone who respects them and respects himself.
@dalexfilms
@dalexfilms 3 күн бұрын
Of course not, however there are plenty of respectful men, so that is not really an issue. There IS something wrong, however, with being overly selective, (thinking that anything less than perfect is "Settling"), and wasting the prime years of your life, and all the wonderful experiences that could have been enjoyed during them. Read Lori Gottlieb's book "Marry Him!" She writes: "...study after study showed that we tend to dismiss people prematurely and for reasons that have nothing to do with whether we might fall in love with this person; and that those who are more open-minded and flexible not only have an easier time finding the right partner, but tend to be happier people in other realms of life, too."
@devibhagwatiyoga
@devibhagwatiyoga 25 күн бұрын
Thank you. What a beautiful conclusion: learn to receive love, not to long for it
@fido9745
@fido9745 8 ай бұрын
8:28 “Neuroscience says that our brain is actually wired to crave what we don’t have…that’s why studies show that our brains release more dopamine when we’re planning a vacation rather than actually taking it” I think a lot of dopamine releases when recalling experiences like vacations taken in the past relative to the realities settled in, hence the longing and its effect as well.
@jdatu24
@jdatu24 Ай бұрын
im learning to love without the yearning nor the expectations around it, it's so freeing
@treees8982
@treees8982 8 ай бұрын
What a fantastically cool, calm and intelligent delivery of a topic that is very difficult to talk about. Can apply to almost everyone in some area of their life. Thank you!
@aurorarostenila6708
@aurorarostenila6708 26 күн бұрын
That's why we need to stop longing and be grateful in the present moment.
@pyre9294
@pyre9294 8 ай бұрын
Longing to be nurtured tbh. This video hit me more than my parents did💀
@MONARCH_FLIES
@MONARCH_FLIES 8 ай бұрын
“What happens when you find that you would rather feel pain than nothing at all? You allow your heart to hurt bad enough to make a change.” -11:11
@yy.unlimited
@yy.unlimited Ай бұрын
so profound 💯
@Focused76
@Focused76 Ай бұрын
I needed this so very much. No person/place can make you whole it can only create bigger hole that could ever be filled. Trust providence.
@Quraninfo2022
@Quraninfo2022 16 күн бұрын
Wow I admire you for not giving into society expectations for women to give themselves physically without a proper relationship. You seem like someone of integrity and hope you give us more insights into how to keep to the right way in a world that encourages the opposite
@dalexfilms
@dalexfilms 3 күн бұрын
There is a point where "Integrity" becomes neurotic avoidance; she points that out herself. There is nothing noble about that. Personal standards are fine and good, but excessively stringent requirements result in isolation, loneliness, and wasted years. That is maladaptive and harmful; it's good that she is teaching people to avoid such problems.
@valeriebarnett7956
@valeriebarnett7956 2 күн бұрын
Very enlightening..needed to hear this. Explains why I scroll and 'collect' art tutorials just hoping... longing to be better Artist. BUT not doing the work. Light bulb moment thank you. I do hope many others listen, take note and go forward away from LONGING .
@fangzhouliu3343
@fangzhouliu3343 2 күн бұрын
This is what I needed to see in order to heal my own trauma. Thank you so much.
@swarasreebhattacharyya2664
@swarasreebhattacharyya2664 Ай бұрын
Summed up my life scenario so far. And it came at the perfect time. I needed this reality check.
@drevnii_sound
@drevnii_sound 8 ай бұрын
wow such an interesting insight on longing! I'll have to think more about it, as longing has been such a bug part of my identity. And now I see how it can become an addictive neurological pattern. I long for love so much that I end up avoiding it, so I can feel a spike of dopamine again and again.
@gillianlouise8207
@gillianlouise8207 Ай бұрын
Wow. Me too 😢
@fishercourt
@fishercourt Ай бұрын
The Rom-Coms we all watched in the 80’s & 90’s, were all about the chase and the main character was the only person who mattered. If you rewatch the romcoms again, look at the characters that surround the main characters. What do they all have in common? They all live through the lens of being the main character’s life coach. They do not have meaningful relationships and they all have one role to play, being the so called sibling or best friend that helps console the main character and to always support the main character, no matter how badly they are treated.
@bill8216
@bill8216 24 күн бұрын
a revealing take; our beloved protagonist often quite a narcissist
@annasiegler4932
@annasiegler4932 11 күн бұрын
Except When Harry Met Sally!
@Mindsetolympics
@Mindsetolympics Ай бұрын
Really happy a woman is speaking up on this. Glad to hear someone being a thought leader regardless of culture, and standing on not wanting to give your body away. Because hook ups and FWB relationships are really backfiring on women it's ruining the potential for meaningful relationships....
@Fairy_Tales__Victorias_world
@Fairy_Tales__Victorias_world 8 ай бұрын
I really enjoyed this video about longing and its effects on our relationships. Amanda McCracken shared her personal experiences and talked about how society can make longing feel addictive and not so good for us. She questioned whether longing is the answer to our unhappiness and reminded us to believe in our own worthiness of love. Her message about going with the flow of life and letting go of control for healthier relationships was powerful. It's a great reminder to appreciate what we have and not always wish for more. Thanks for sharing this insightful perspective on longing and love! 💕🌟🤗
@smallaxecoffee
@smallaxecoffee 8 ай бұрын
Amanda, I appreciate you sharing your story and your thoughts on longing. It's deeply interwoven into so much of our emotional development. Thanks for this amazing TEDx talk!
@floragreen6399
@floragreen6399 19 күн бұрын
I think this is the best Ted talk I ever listened to !!!
@braxtongilbert
@braxtongilbert 22 күн бұрын
This is such an amazing gift Amanda. Thank you for sharing. I was touched by your bravery to sit in the fear and unfamiliar, and I am grateful for the insights you shared in this speech. Thank you!
@vlrkst
@vlrkst 8 ай бұрын
What an honest, informative as well as inspiring knowledge to love. Chapeau. Thank you ❤
@reem3266
@reem3266 8 ай бұрын
I love this TED talk. A wonderful message that was delivered very well!
@ronniescales188
@ronniescales188 3 күн бұрын
Real Talk... Great speech !!! It's too bad that alot of relationships don't end like hers. Best wishes to her and her husband...
@genevaelyse1918
@genevaelyse1918 18 күн бұрын
I'm going through the same struggle. It's all about dopamin and addiction to love.
@vynasayyes
@vynasayyes 7 ай бұрын
what a beautiful message Thank you for sharing this with us !
@MikeB-lm6yw
@MikeB-lm6yw Ай бұрын
Loved this one! So authentic. Thank you, Amanda!
@aaronshields8135
@aaronshields8135 8 ай бұрын
that cross sectional chart, I teach that to dog owners(as a dog trainer), Avoidance is a pathway for dogs to be decreasinginly tolerant and more sensitive/reactive. To the point of creating mental walls where dogs appear fearful and may start to fight any attempt to create tolerance. Behavioural retraining is required to first become aware of avoidance by all parties, then block and or redirect the avoidant behaviour : interrupt , physically block/restrain from running away and relax into a calm position and or move directly into a different behavioural ritual. Food doesn't necessarily work to rewire the brain around anxiety. It sometimes becomes a crutch to cope and numb the anxiety. Knowing how to apply proper timing to food rewards is important. What we ideally want is exposure to the source of discomfort. To process the feelings of vulnerability, we have to feel close to it(not necessarily physically touching the source). It can be assisted through trying to redirect attention into some other action that at least requires your hands(physical movement) and enough complexity to distract the brain. This is generally true for dogs and their owners.
@jenniferwise3211
@jenniferwise3211 8 ай бұрын
Brilliant and moving, Amanda!
@Kate-mj9ow
@Kate-mj9ow 8 ай бұрын
So true. What an eye opening ❤️
@LogicalQ
@LogicalQ 8 ай бұрын
Longing for silence with which to fill with music… An empty road to venture on 2 wheels… an empty machine shop to bring ideas to fruition… an empty river to kayak down… To experience beauty and creativity without all the BS everyone else brings to this world…
@justcalm3301
@justcalm3301 12 күн бұрын
I really needed this, I’ve been needing this
@AnaCarolina-vl4cr
@AnaCarolina-vl4cr 29 күн бұрын
I really loved this. Thank you Amanda!
@yy.unlimited
@yy.unlimited Ай бұрын
This came in time 🥺thank you Amanda 🤍
@nadeenfare9642
@nadeenfare9642 Ай бұрын
Amazing insight! Thank you
@ONahornyi
@ONahornyi 2 ай бұрын
Appreciate to talk about that quiet interest and private topic for most of us.
@NhiAronheim
@NhiAronheim 8 ай бұрын
LOVE your talk about longingAmanda! Let’s hope it’ll go viral!
@thespiritualhighfive1562
@thespiritualhighfive1562 8 ай бұрын
She is ON POINT! These are the same things I realized. 💪🏾❤
@krishnashetty01
@krishnashetty01 8 ай бұрын
Very useful one, thanks
@nourelhoudabey2956
@nourelhoudabey2956 8 ай бұрын
This came in time 😢
@kgonzalez8098
@kgonzalez8098 8 ай бұрын
Girl, didn’t it just.
@MM-se1tw
@MM-se1tw 11 күн бұрын
Great speech, very relatable, thank you!
@zapbutton8553
@zapbutton8553 Ай бұрын
Respect, thank you
@debralondon2402
@debralondon2402 6 ай бұрын
Great video. Thanks for sharing
@laviniasnow4494
@laviniasnow4494 8 ай бұрын
Awesome and important message. 👌🏻
@kris061000
@kris061000 19 күн бұрын
Wow. What an incredible talk!
@meh-hair-Vaughn
@meh-hair-Vaughn 8 ай бұрын
Thank you for this video. I could relate to a lot that was said by the speaker...
@louchieamartinez6878
@louchieamartinez6878 Ай бұрын
Awesome talk. Have not heard a Ted talk like this in a while.
@Aunty87
@Aunty87 8 ай бұрын
👏 Daaaamn, this is what we all needed to hear❤ Thank you for cracking the code... I've seen these patterns in my life. I've been working on this and it helps to let go, knowing this about myself. So much love to you, Amanda McCracken!!
@krutikabavle5211
@krutikabavle5211 13 күн бұрын
thank you for this!
@eleasebarrow7897
@eleasebarrow7897 Ай бұрын
How beautiful! I hope that my future daughter marries a man who has been raised by a woman like her-- one who knows the beauty of waiting and being waited for, and knows how to say yes to imperfect, but healthy and good. I hope to be this kind of woman when I marry and raise my children, too.
@Sindos
@Sindos Күн бұрын
I meeded this. Thank you ❤
@semma88
@semma88 14 күн бұрын
Amazing! 👏👏👏
@H.art22
@H.art22 8 ай бұрын
This was amazing
@kayskreed
@kayskreed 8 ай бұрын
Longing for the disappearance of fairytale romances tbh. Love exists, but it's hard work and has nothing to do with romance.
@sandeepgoyal8670
@sandeepgoyal8670 8 ай бұрын
U can’t believe in relationships until u believe in breakups, take ur chances cautiously but take and be prepare for permeant breakup and parting and yes do stop longing hard but long innocently like a kid long for candies and yes increase self love and find other gender like seeds in your own, nurture it love it be whole first ( every man has woman inside him and vice versa) but still wish, wish quietly , universe listen quietest persistent wish first ❤
@raffacasting
@raffacasting 21 күн бұрын
about the fligths you nailed. I avoided travelling to an amazing place hoping for the rigth moment. tool me 17 years
@BlekSheep_1
@BlekSheep_1 8 ай бұрын
I've never watched a Ted video 3 times back to back... until now. Great talk and delivery MRS. McCracken 🧠
@itsporange
@itsporange 7 күн бұрын
Wow this is so good
@michellemcfarland80
@michellemcfarland80 Ай бұрын
Lovely!!! 💗👏💗
@organic.lifestyle.creator
@organic.lifestyle.creator Ай бұрын
Well done! An important topic that needs more attention is leaning to receive love. She went from being addicted to longing to learning to receive love. I love happy endings!❤
@avinashkaur1950
@avinashkaur1950 16 күн бұрын
10:32 never ever would have thought this way!! Woah
@pharmaNutshell.
@pharmaNutshell. 8 ай бұрын
Healthy relationship is the best of the best ❤❤Toxic relationship is the worst nightmare even it is with your sweetheart😅
@ckl5801
@ckl5801 Ай бұрын
Truth
@zsauffi
@zsauffi Ай бұрын
Absolutely wow effect on me 3:53 🎉
@nicoles_handle
@nicoles_handle 6 күн бұрын
bit too relatable this one. needed it.
@CoachB3
@CoachB3 8 ай бұрын
Amen
@kristinetank3959
@kristinetank3959 Ай бұрын
Wow
@claramercier7924
@claramercier7924 8 ай бұрын
I am extremely far from being an expert but i think dopamine is more associated with motivation than "happiness". I don't think longing makes us "happy". And I'm not sure the fact that planning something realises more dopamine than experiencing it prevents us from genuinely enjoying that thing. I could be wrong though, hopefully I'll get some constructive feedback 🙏
@claramercier7924
@claramercier7924 8 ай бұрын
releases*
@AliceRousseau22
@AliceRousseau22 16 күн бұрын
I agree with you. There is something that sounds untrue in her logic. Being addicted to longing...to pain...I understand... It's avoiding actual joy and trading it for avoidance because of the fear of living.​@@claramercier7924
@anyamardy5556
@anyamardy5556 17 күн бұрын
dopamine is not a happy hormone. it's a catecholamine. excitement and happiness are very different things.
@vviimmi
@vviimmi 8 ай бұрын
I feel like I'm window shopping for my next life, my currency is my presence and I currently don't have enough of that- so ill come back another time maybe.
@meh-hair-Vaughn
@meh-hair-Vaughn 8 ай бұрын
I really like how you worded your comment, "window shopping for my next life". I feel that's what I'm doing almost all the time. I keep telling myself, "I won't get all that I wanted in this life, maybe I will in the next..."
@vviimmi
@vviimmi 8 ай бұрын
@@meh-hair-Vaughn I'm glad this resonates with you and that it finds you well. Remember anything is possible and that through kindness you will attract what best aligns with you. Good luck.🍀
@YuliaGrushevskaya-bi6he
@YuliaGrushevskaya-bi6he 7 күн бұрын
Stay single and stay Happy❤🎉😊
@anthony-j-alibrandi-369
@anthony-j-alibrandi-369 8 ай бұрын
Rockin ! the One Piece Red 🌶️🎯 wicked Pissa 😎
@ginacheselka6086
@ginacheselka6086 Ай бұрын
Are you from New England?😊
@anthony-j-alibrandi-369
@anthony-j-alibrandi-369 Ай бұрын
Word.​@@ginacheselka6086
@anthony-j-alibrandi-369
@anthony-j-alibrandi-369 Ай бұрын
Nantasket Beach shoth Shore 🏖️🌊👙⛵🚤⛴️🚣 Boston Mass
@daggerzap
@daggerzap 11 күн бұрын
This practice is called gooning
@MarieTheresaSemeniego-qy5nt
@MarieTheresaSemeniego-qy5nt Ай бұрын
❤❤❤❤❤
@ava-jl1ll
@ava-jl1ll 8 ай бұрын
👏🏾👏🏾
@josephludwig1126
@josephludwig1126 Ай бұрын
I was born to early for her I hope she finds
@serenemary873
@serenemary873 12 күн бұрын
1:41 4:24 8:28 8:36
@sr2291
@sr2291 8 ай бұрын
Not me. I like it when the relationship gets boring.
@snorrevonflake
@snorrevonflake Ай бұрын
I just don't get bored.
@TheInternetLove
@TheInternetLove 8 ай бұрын
The word romance is separate from love
@PinkYellowGreen2023
@PinkYellowGreen2023 7 ай бұрын
There is no longing for anything this way!
@pierrecameau176
@pierrecameau176 8 ай бұрын
Ok
@dk1828
@dk1828 11 күн бұрын
14:55 🤯
@inseparablesmusicvideoscha4256
@inseparablesmusicvideoscha4256 20 күн бұрын
We have a Fairy Tale Love Story. I kissed her and a woke a (romantic) sleeping beauty, she kissed me back and turned a frog (I'm French Canadian) into a prince 25 years ago ...
@BlueskyDenver
@BlueskyDenver 11 күн бұрын
It’s a great TedTalk surprised it has such a low number of views..!
@masterhypnos6783
@masterhypnos6783 10 күн бұрын
“Having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical but often true.” Spock
@esds
@esds Ай бұрын
Answering the question from the thumbnail yes we are indeed. We arr fooled by it, by all this romcoms especially woman
@maximusdraco2199
@maximusdraco2199 8 ай бұрын
🎉🎉🎉❤
@MICHELDILLIONS
@MICHELDILLIONS 8 ай бұрын
😊🤗💖🙏🏋🦁🦬🌼🌴🌻😊🤗💖🙏🏋🦁🦬🌼🌴🌻 So Blessed , Thank you Amanda McCracken , Romans 8:19 English Standard Version , Sons and Daughters , Chosen Ones , For the creation waits with eager , longing for the revealing , of the Sons and Doughters of God. Prayer for All : ,,,, Abba Father i belong to you ,,,, Bless you , Happy Smile 😊🤗💖🙏🏋🦁🦬🌼🌴🌻😊🤗💖🙏🏋🦁🦬🌼🌴🌻
@O-Demi
@O-Demi 14 күн бұрын
"I dated 100 men" she says and trauma flickers in her eyes for a second.
@ekennahutchinson1636
@ekennahutchinson1636 8 ай бұрын
I've saved myself
@antirrhinum130
@antirrhinum130 2 күн бұрын
No way I want to run after an ex.
@Robinators
@Robinators 8 ай бұрын
Sorry for her.
@gtavtheavengergunnerlegend3340
@gtavtheavengergunnerlegend3340 8 ай бұрын
I'm not
@rickiajones6874
@rickiajones6874 26 күн бұрын
“Michael Jackson -Billie Jean” oh boy
@mississippiatheistette8769
@mississippiatheistette8769 Ай бұрын
so did she ever do it?
@flower23487
@flower23487 24 күн бұрын
🥲🥰🤍
@HolandaTsitudzi
@HolandaTsitudzi 6 күн бұрын
The problem with the world (besides intolerance) is that .. a relationship where one feels respected and loved MUST be a monogamic one.. ^^' (people just don't get it) ^^' .. ®
@LuisVasDeCamoes
@LuisVasDeCamoes 17 күн бұрын
Depressed people do not long, yet their relationships are often not ideal
@CommittedSlacker
@CommittedSlacker 24 күн бұрын
Someone help me understand what's the message here, Is she saying people should not be like her and keep hooking up with people until they find the right one? What is the point here?
@AniBerrybear
@AniBerrybear 22 күн бұрын
13:57
@CommittedSlacker
@CommittedSlacker 21 күн бұрын
@@AniBerrybear If you listen to the whole point after that she is saying exactly what I've said, you are just pointing out 2-3 sentences but then she goes on and somewhat implies that be with people until you find the trustworthy and loving one
@minutes5138
@minutes5138 20 сағат бұрын
i think it is about recognising what keeps us from finding a sustainable relationship, and then being brave enough to be Uncomfortable in a situation which you know will break your pattern and eventually bring you happiness. in her case ( also in mine ) is the addiction to longing that keeps us from love.
@CommittedSlacker
@CommittedSlacker 17 сағат бұрын
@@minutes5138 don't you think it's the same thing that I've said, like when you say "eventually bring you happiness", there is a big MAYBE and there is a higher probability of MAYBE NOT. And yeah I'm not judging it just curious that she is somewhat saying just don't be like me🙃
@neocount6397
@neocount6397 8 ай бұрын
Maybe adjust your expectations. If you're a 5, who thinks they're a 10, dont be surprised when the real 10's arent interested. Instead, either work on yourself or be realistic and you'll be a lot happier. I promise.
@GunnyJacka
@GunnyJacka 8 ай бұрын
Yes!!
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