Amen to that, well said.

I love this!

Spot on!

Lmao. This was life to hear.

Like they never existed at all

Total indifference. That is profound.How much do you care about a penny. That's exactly how much you need to care about the narcissist and everything they say. It's really that simple.

Make them feel Irrelevant. !!!

Hi Sanjana.. How to start with this

so true!

Its actually so hard because you want to take revenge or make them suffer like they did to you but indifference makes you the real you and if u take revenge you are also a narcissist.. A good person is the one wants him and everybody to be happy but narcissist will get their karma

Oh boy! That’s so true! I think she hates me because I’m a happy person 🙄🤨🤨

ABSOLUTELY!

@@deborahriley1166 Same here

Great quote!

Unfortunately, this is part and parcel concerning this evil personality type. Ignore them for good and for peace of mind

I have become the monster at times, and I don't like it! I'm in process of getting out on August 19

Leave. Peeiod

Narcissists will always provoke you. They stalk you, too.

They are parasites! They feed off the misery they cause! Like the internet trolls!they are very evil!!

@@tummieflowers2681 yes they do relentlessly, they're obsessive deviants. Delusional lunatics.

Can't stalk what you can't see.just don't interact in any way. They get the message eventually

We're not together and I'm not on social media so I don't need to block him. I either ignore any txts or I reply with a insult towards him. He's no threat to me as I'm not on any social medi forums. Not Even an email address. I call the shots now so he will be well pissed off🥳

SPOT ON! *GHOST* the Hell out of them, and if anyone tells you otherwise they are not your friend.

absolutely~~

Agree

I love those responses.

Very insightful... I don't WANT to believe I attract narcissistic people, but.. it's strange. There's gotta be attractive pheromones, or facial expressions, some kind of physiological SOMEthing, for this to be happening... either way, ya, I seem to attract them too. Thank you 💜

Our power and weakness: agreeableness.

Truth.

100% accurate ! I’m in that sinkhole 😢🥺I’ll pray for a way out of my circumstance anytime soon it’s insane these type of person have no shame not integrities when it’s time about argument they can roast you to your soul ! I’ll need to be happy and healthy as I use too I’m struggle to get out from this living environment soon ❤️‍🩹💔😔😭

You are so right.

It's called gray rock!

Thank you. I send you healing and blessings as well. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼😊🥰🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

@ebony41441 fine. I send them nothing but indifference

Let go and live truly. Yep.

Exactly. Dr. C

Dr. Carter, I always learn a lot from your videos. I have been able to implement the no engagement tactic with success. However, as the Narc in my life is the father of my children and I need to parallel parent with this person, I am sad to report that I have done exactly what you describe ie display the exact horrible behavior as they do. This person just won't leave me alone. He is constantly sending messages and as these involve our children I cannot simply ignore all of it. He has managed to get under my skin, AGAIN. And now I hate him and myself for getting sucked into the black hole that is his existence. I am so exasperated.

@@moirabijker7117 I have lived what I am about to say and I know it want be easy. Be patient and astute enough to never interrupt a fool when he is making a mistake. Let him play checkers while you sit back and play chess. Believe me when I say that, one day and soon I pray, you will figure him out, you will see how weak he is, but you must put you faith and trust in God. I don't know how close you are with God but start reading the Bible, everything you are experiencing is in there. My mother before she past almost 2 years ago tried and tried to tell me this. While she was lying there dying I made a vow to put my faith in God, so you know mom won.

Anyone would hate that, but with narcs it is for survival.

when my ex was raging at me (we had a young daughter) and calling me nasty names I told him to look in the mirror when he wanted to call me names. He shut up and looked like he had been slapped. He knew deep down inside he was projecting every time he went off on me like that.

They are full of hot air and b.s.!

🏆

That would have really thrown the narcissist for a loop.

That is AWESOME. 😂 Ima gonna use that. Thanks!

Stealing this - thanks! My covert narc mom ghosted me three years ago, but never know when I'll need to use it!

👏👏👏👏

Perfect! :)

Sounds like my dad, the bully!

That's call gaslighting

I loved your comment, best wishes to YOU!! DJH- North Idaho

I can relate to your situation. 54 years of constant manipulation. It's hard when the narc is immediate family. These behaviors become seemingly normal when that's all you see for decades. It's not normal or healthy to live in this crazy dance! Good for you!!!

@@nevadadan4113 Thank you! And you as well.

@@MrRandy1221 Exactly. When it's immediate family and you look up to them for guidance and are young and know no better. Some people never got out from under. I feel thankful. But still am aware the struggle will continue. As long as those people are in your lives. But I have the tools now. Good luck to you also!

Through the Grace Of God you ARE A WINNER. Well Done

yes!! I was with my narcissist for 10 years and I always wanted his approval but it was so hard to get! 2 years separated and I find I'm still trying to do it at times! but these videos really help. I will repeat this statement!

The only approval you need is that of your employer and yourself.

yup

Perfect!

​@@specklebelly79 👏👏👏👏 Just keep doing what you're doing . . . it's not easy . . . if you slip up, just start again; you've got this! They're not worthy of your time or space. 😉

They should keep their sadism to themselves!

So true.

How does one deal with such a person if married to him?

​@yolylacy5416 - Divorce. It takes two people to make a marriage work. It takes one person to destroy it. You will be the only one trying to make it work. Guess what he's doing? You can't "fix" him. He's not broken, in his mind, and you'll never convince him he does anything wrong. You can't love him out of it. You can't appeal to his better nature (he doesn't have one). The only thing you can do is gray rock him and try to find peace... but you'll be constantly on your guard and never just be able to relax.

​@@yolylacy5416 Gray rock. Perfect it. Go selectively deaf.

Yes no peace ever... and when one has been abused by them.. then fights back things get ugly 😢😢😢

Yes, yes, and yes!!!!!

Same here her is trying to turn my 13 ur old gaughter against me has her lying now its has backfired she is lying on him

@Bruce Waynesjustice try it with all your efforts. I can guarantee that it's worth it. And the more you've "exercised" the easier it will be. It's an effective weapon. Don't take things personally. And if they do/say something to you that bothers you, don't show it to them. Don't give the narc his fuel. Ignorance is bliss. And last but not least, never forget that how others treat you is their karma and how you react is yours. It's not so important WHAT has been said, but WHO said it. So, comd on, start training your ignore mode right now

Every human been disurve happiness and we are under no obligation to share our life with a narcissist, unless this narcissist is our parent. If it is a relationship we have to leave if we want to kerp our sanity and happiness.

@@cynthiacombest5 ）

No healthy person builds up oneself by diminishing another, plain and simple. A favorite video of mine is, Reclaiming Your Worth After Leaving A Narcissist. I'm pulling for you RedDawn. Dr. C

It's very empowering learning we don't have to deal with their you know what, and whatever their opinion of us is not our business. Lol. The look on my husbands face when I told him that was priceless

problem seem to be it may take us for ever to actually appreciate some people enjoy being childish.

@@lolguy-x9n Not just childish...it's WAY worse than that. Narcissists literally savor and enjoy people's confusion, pain and anguish...Which makes them sadists. They are loaded with self-hatred, but project it into others...Which makes them cowards. They constantly seek the approval of ANYONE they can get to...there is no discrimination, (which is crazy making if you are a good person, and you are observing the narcissist try for anything and everything, including weird, skanky, crazy people;) which literally makes them energetic vampires. They are like spiders looking for flies to wrap up and suck the life out of... And there is never, ever enough for them. Avoid these "people" at all costs-- if it is a true narc that you are dealing with, grandiose or covert, either one-- get away and stay away forever. They won't let go willingly because you are "supply," so be aware they will try all different tactics to get you roped back in. It's all a game to them, in everything.

Good for you and I hope you continue to grow in confidence and leave this person! You can be strong on your own!☺️

Wrong. Best is to waltz over them and ignore their reaction completely. I did excellent with that "strategy". OK, I had and have no private relationship to this persons. I walk over them. Period.

@@whitex4652 please elaborate.

Disagree. When I don't engage or even "look" their way, it infuriates him, & makes him get physically aggressive to get a reaction out of me. At that point, I can't just sit there quietly. At that point I have to protect myself- self defense. & then at that point, I'm engaging & giving the narcissist what he wanted. So I can't win till I move out & get my money together😞

@@nickiiimar sorry to hear that. Sounds awful situation.

True

I gave up and re-blocked my narc dad's phone number, for my own protection. I still live in some fear, just not in overwhelming fear. Dad's attitude problem, his responsibility, I am not to blame, not matter what he says! He provokes, laughs at me, sadistic dad!

I totally agree!! They will try to bring us down in any way!

Please protect your children.

Same situation as you. I still have two boys that live with her so I have to maintain civility for their sake. But I figured out right away that even taking her constant crap through emails or texts was too toxic for my emotional well being. I only communicate with the kids and go "no contact" with her.

@@jaimhaas5170 thats a tough situation.

God bless you

Ernie and Jaim, I know what's not working in my case , and that's to dictate. Self sacrifice and giving seems to patch it over for a time. I'm still not sure how to relationship to an amicable continuation.

I was laying on the bed, reading, when my narc came in and said, "How dare you be so content!" Then he said "just kidding". I just looked at him. To every just kidding, there is a hint of truth.

I love how you put that "covert". They want you to feel like you can trust them so you'll let them in and when you do, they turn on you out of no where and use your conversations against you and tell others too.

Hubby of 30 years tried to passively start a fight all day. I didn’t take the bait. He finally blew up at how “hatefull I was being. he threw things, screamed and called me names. “No sir. This one’s on you”. I packed my bags. He gave a big sigh and apologized, but he actually said that I should tell him when I am upset and talk about it. I was not upset until he started throwing things. 30 years and he had never acted that way before. I realized that he never had to as he baited me successfully and I reacted. We have a very different relationship, now, because I don’t care how he feels. I do me without trying to please him, first. He can take care of his own nonsense.

Boundaries is what I have been setting into place. I refuse to have contact when he drinks. I’m lucky because there are 3 bedrooms in the main house and another one in the apartment that was once a 3 car garage. So I’ve been staying in the bedroom that takes you going through 7 separate doors. Yet at times it’s not even enough. I’m trying as hard as I can to fix my home . As it had a tree fall and caused a leak idk. So it’s taking me time n what little money. I receive. Last month took everything I had. Yet I will get what I have too n the mold cleaned. It’s just hard as I am disabled so I can only due so much and have no one to help me. So I am working little by little getting the mold n mildew from the ceilings and everything. I’ve got to get a washing machine. I’ve been looking for used ones as I cannot afford a new one. As long as it works I’m good. Then my 2 Furbabies they are sick with breathing issues. I had to put my almost 18 year old to sleep. It was almost more than I could bear. He was such a wonderful protector of me. He was not just a dog. He was my baby. As well as my ex husband who was not a N. Just passed away on this December 24 2021. I could always count on him as he was my ex yet remained my best friend. For 22 years. He never remarried or dated anyone after we divorced. It’s true you do not know what treasures you have. Until they are gone. So I’m grieving for my Furbaby as well S his very unexpected death. I’m beating myself to death. Because I could not see what was right under my nose. He truly loved me. When we were married and for 17 years afterwards. He was a simple kind of man. The reason we divorced was not because either of us was with anyone I thought I was doing him a chance to have a normal wife n life after I suffered a total breakdown. He said love n marriage meant good bad, poor or sad. Which I now totally understand. Yet at that time I felt totally unable to be loved. My heart brakes. Due to my low self esteem. He believed in me more than I ever could or will. Yet I’m slowly getting it together. Thanks everyone for the nice comments as well as Dr. Carter. He is a special good man as well as Therapist. 💖💖💖

@@ladykimberly4384 Amen that’s one of the truest statements I’ve read. You share because you want to be as transparent as you can. Then later on down the road the N. makes you eat everything you ever said to them. For me never again will I trust a man in that way. I may be wrong yet it’s true. I’m a work in process. Thanks so much for sharing.🌺🌺🌺

You hit it right on the nail's head!

It’s what I learned and has been drilled in my head while divorcing my narc

Spot on! 👍🤗♥️

Yep, but still I can't leave my family....

No Contact with these creatures is the ONLY way to go!

I am also dealing with this type of personality at work. She is brings customers into her drama often, as well as coworkers. This is what gets to me. It makes us all look bad. I reacted to this, 2 days ago, and it made me look bad too. For that moment I allowed her to make me angry. It only made things worse. She talks to herself constantly, saying not so nice things about everyone and everything. "Well, I can see WHY you're not a manager" was her loud enough to hear statement she made while facing away from anyone...I was the only person within ear-shot and it was random. I ignored her and stayed happily doing my job. She tried even harder to get a reaction. She hopes I crack and go to my bosses. I don't want her drama.

@MichelleWard-fy5ym luckily for everyone at my place of work, this individual has been let go. Typically, these types of people are responsible for their own downfall and its only a matter of time before their behavior comes back to bite them. I just feel bad for whoever they get stuck working with next.

Currently dealing with not one but two narcissist at work. I won’t give them them the satisfaction of taking their drama queen bait. Really pisses them off because they live to get a rise out of you just so they can point fingers and make themselves justified. I laugh at their negative histrionics. What miserable people they are. One day they will pick the wrong person to attack and it will be their last.

​@@susanphillips6791💪🏼🔥🔥🔥 excellent example. Thanks for sharing

Me too, I have an email only communication policy. That way everything she says is in writing & I then only respond 24 hours later & only during the week to protect my boundaries & prevent myself from saying anything I regret. This gives her zero satisfaction b/c I refuse to engage in the crazy making & baiting. She is blocked & cannot call or text me. Protect yourselves!

👏🏽

Bingo

I did tell them once that they were a Narrsise.. They got real upset almost cried.. Said dont you. Ever.. Ever.Ever call me that again. I am not that.

Not ever. They will take it to their grave, and you with it, if you're not careful. Especially if dementia has set in. I'm just trying to dodge bullets.

Amazing advice here, people

It really is priceless information to gaining clear, healthy understanding. I really have been surrounded by this disturbing personality trait my entire life and I needed to recognize many of the negative issues in me, in fact related to mirroring for which I am guilty, but no longer. Every day forward, my life journey will be to connect through therapy, honesty and respect which already is and will continue building genuine joy and peace. Team healthy. Such an awesome club! Forever grateful Dr. Carter! (Sadly, still, so many unable/unwilling and that will always be a hard truth for me regardless🥺)

How do you suggest we do this with our governments? They are using same tyrannical tactics. Scientists and doctors are being muzzled. People are complying....

@@sherrybonnett4827 Please, let me recommend "How to disagree without being disagreeable " the number one book on verbal defense that got me over the top! Amazon kindle! Next, and this is from painful experience, my last comment is no exaggeration. If deep in your gut you feel your life may be in danger, get out, run, fade away. Pigs dont fly and rocks dont float.

You too😂 Same here😂 😅obnoxious to the core 🏃‍♀️.....😂

@Roberto Biagio Randazzo we are not the ones who do our own justice. God will do that in His own timing. We are told not to exact revenge. Christians are called to treat all people with dignity and respect if we are in their presence, however, we can choose whether to spend time with someone. If our respect is hated we are to remove ourselves and be open to friendships with those who do not do destructive things to others.

AMEN

@Roberto Biagio Randazzo The narcissist will bring a gun to the "accountability knife fight." You'll never get outright satisfaction or justice; you have to be confident that giving them zero of anything: your time, attention, interest, opinion, reaction, thoughts, beliefs, values, dreams, arguments . . . Give them one-word, emotionless (not good or bad, sarcastic or rude), dry, no-information responses to anything they do or say. Their entire game is to get your interest or reaction, good or bad. Give them a flat voice, no expression, "Oh", "Okay", "whatever", "mmm-hmm" . . . It will literally drive them out of the room. If you have to speak to them, keep it bland, as short as possible, and completely indifferent to whatever they say. My malignant narcissist family member moved halfway across the country within a month or two of when I was finally able to do this every single time. When you give up trying to win or prove something or get accountability, you may get to see their rageful outburst or disgusted look, at best. In my experience, he couldn't get away far or fast enough once he realized I had figured out how to stay outside of his silly game. Like the cowardly bully he is, he ran. Life is amazing now.

@Roberto Biagio Randazzo Moreover Karma has no menu ,the Narcissist gets serves what he/deserves.

Absolutely- much less emotional damage ….

G: I am sure you encountered many narcissists in your work. I’m impressed by how workers in the airline world roll with assholes. For me, I would first say, ‘Put your seat belt on now or get off the fucking plane!” LOL

Great PSA!!!🤣😂

😂😂😂👏👏👏

I agree with you sister , you have to take care of yourself , I put everyone else first not anymore

Me, too, with my mother. No wonder that things temained the same. „Ok“ and then silence is the best asnwer whatever they say. If they say that it rains cats and dogs even the sunis shinning, the best way to answer is to say: „Ok.“

Mirroring is a tactic.

I did the same with my parents. They always wanted to argue & do everything he talks about. I had to go no contact. 12 years now & I don't miss either of them for even 1 second!

These are perfect.

@@tammydacascos3572 Mirroring is a tactic, however, not a helpful tactic to use with a narcissist because now you are behaving exactly like the narcissist and this is a DOUBLE WHAMMY for YOU because this keeps you giving the narcissist their toxic supply which is exactly what they want from you...Plus, it's exhausting for you because you are not only getting abused by the narcissist, but you are abusing yourself by mirroring the narcissist's behavior..!! Disengagement is the best strategy....!! You know the narcissist will eventually betray you so treat the narcissist the way you would treat any other person who has betrayed you...treat them like the betrayer they are..!! Hope this helps you..!!

Don't sink at all: your victory!

Take it a day at a time and a put down at a time but never give up and never give in. When you fail, as you will, just ignore it and keep on going.

It is never too late to get out and go no contact, its hard to start again, often with nothing but living with a narc is no life at all

You deserve better than him! I deserve better than my narc dad! He will not accept that, his lousy attitude; his problem! He tells me I am the one with the problem. He's wrong!

@@jackilynpyzocha662 I went no contact 4 yrs ago with my Dad and it was the best thing I ever did!

I had narc neighbors like that...they couldn't stand me living in peace, & they gossiped/smear-campaigned to isolate me...provoked me endlessly in different ways while I ignored them since I experienced that they thought my quiet nature was some weakness they could bully. One mean couple regularly sat with chairs on the neighborhood road just in front of my house-gate where I had to drive & make a turn to get into my frontyard. There was another of their instigated-by-them-friend who yanked out my telephone-line cable, so I could not use my computer - knowing I was a writer and my work would come to a standstill...( before wireless devices were available ) another of their meanie abusive friend next-door, a 65yr plus postman who fraudulently entered his name into my house property documents, and illegally blocked a neighborhood road and installed a gate as if that road was his personal property, ( his wife being an absolute enabler, egging him on). She hid behind my boundary wall pillar where my exit gate was, one hot afternoon when my cousin sister & I had to go out, and jumped out in front of my car suddenly while her mean husband watched sitting in a chair few feet away. She wouldn't move though I honked much, then moved away when she realized I did not get out & react to this terrible provocation. I drove off calmly with my cousin witnessing this. When you refuse to react, they raise the level of provocation. They are pure evil who are only happy in causing misery in those who live peace-filled lives.May God punish all such evil people.

I had a next door neighbor who was a narcissist. He made the ultimate mistake and did a reverse mortage on his home. Soon, he moved away and died a few years later.

@@lexbeltran1354u killed him?

So true. The gaslighting. Stay away from these people. They’re smart but have zero wisdom, and they’re proof that it is possible. They’re deeply insecure, that is why.

@@thesunandthemoon9995 you bring up a very important observation that is spreading throughout our current culture... the issue of wisdom. There is SO much focus on speed of information, access to information, material success, etc. etc. that there is almost no true discussion or development of wisdom. When we tune our minds to recognize what wisdom is vs. data and the material, we can see and hear so much more clearly.

Even if they’re not smart but you were raised by them they train you to blame yourself for everything and anything they can come up with. It’s especially true for family scapegoats. They will say some pretty outrageous things but if you’re the type who absorbs people’s energy they will effect you and you will believe the lies.

Good advice! 👍🏻

I got away. Thank you

@@memoryrinehart I got away. Thank you

Exactly!!! Glad you learned! My health deteriorated / ing ever since I got back together with the hub.

It's hard, but by not engaging, this act saves you a lot of energy!

😂😂😂 same with me

They want social media as an additional way that they can weaponize personal information.

Wow this totally happened to me also I just said I don't have Facebook and I saw her search all four quadrants of her brain lol.

I really like that. I’ll keep it in mind. Thanks.

Thank you for the perfect response! “I consider the source “

You're more than welcome! It's a short, sweet, and very true response...😉

Eh. That's still combative. Just passive-aggresive. The biggest narcissist I ever knew loved that phrase.

Maybe try: thanks for the feedback. And walk away.

My Mom did the same thing to me, so I empathize! I began grieving the loss of a relationship we'd never had, which prepared me emotionally for her unexpected death 5 years after she cut me off with, "My feelings for you are dead. You go live your life and I'll live mine!" Praying for your peace and the building of your life in the dignity & joy that is your birthright. 💜🙏💜

@@melissam.6054 That is So Sad a mother is more willing to cut their own child off then sitting down and talking about the problem. Being honest and open. Move forward every day with peace, love and kindness. 🦊🙏

Me too...as I learned to own myself and be autonomous and not participate in her drama, I then became a threat. Too many lies she told blaming me for everything and now that I might expose her with truth and my side of the story...14 yrs of stonewalling, our whole family in shambles. My kids and siblings are loyal to me, so I'm lucky. It's been a bumpy road for sure.

Lucky YOU!...no more dealing with "AN EMOTIONAL PSYCHOLOGICAL JUNKIE" who wants a reaction from u.

@@nicolem2113 Same situation with me...mom and her 2 flying monkey older siblings have spread lies about us twins all BECAUSE WE SET BOUNDARIES AND demand dignity, self respect and civility...we twins r at peace and are no contact...i do mail birthday and Chriatmas cards. in her effort to always CONTROL, narc mom told my twin she does not want to hear or see us again...FINE with me no more dealing with AN EMOTIONAL PSYCHOLOGICAL JUNKIE just to get reactions from us.....the ONLY time she said she "loved" us was when I helped my twin move out of her house and she only said that cause flying monkey brother was recording us hoping We'd have an outburst in THEIR crazy-making schemes but alas I HAD BEEN EDUCATED on SURVIVING NARCISSISM'S videos and KNEW what I was dealing with....left with calmness and NO MORE DRAMA in last 9 month's!!!!

I need to get my senses back, why am I putting up with it for so long,

❤❤🎉🎉

Keep going. Better life and better you is there uf you follow it and trust yourself

Same here, but it still hurts. We deserve better than the narcissists in our lives!

They love to be pandered to, older narcs play on their age or poor health to make you their servant and make everything revolve around them.

Yes. Thanks for the reply!

They can have astonishingly low self awareness. Dr. C

I had a neighbor “friend” who I had to tell to never contact me again. Best feeling ever. Luckily she sold her house and moved away and it’s been 2 years now and still no regrets. I am one of those people who will try their hardest to find the good in someone and be everyone’s friend but this was a type of person I had never experienced before. After watching this I know I did the right thing. Let her troll on someone else.

I've been no contact for 9 months now...a 5 year horror story...in which Stephen King could've easily made millions on...I'll skip the dramatics...this Doctor and my faith in God got me over this...I started ignoring and was not responsive to any of her BS as well as her son's..as well...yep a dual dilemma...I feel free..one quick episode I'd like to share...they made me walk 8 miles home, after countless texts and calls...God love em..but they will rot in he'll..

You are not kidding about them having astonishing low self awareness. It's funny how he could speak of the importance of self awareness yet not possess it. Same with empathy. I was very confused by this for a long time, wondering what was wrong with me until I could no longer deny the fact that he has neither. Good luck to you Susie, it's sad your husband's friend isn't allowed to hang out anymore. Narcissists, I'm learning, feel very threatened by anyone with the potential to shine a light on their serious character flaws.

😂😂😂❤️ Good riddance!

Good strategy. I think I achieved this without realizing I was doing it at the time.

@@eaglessoar6830 Didn't realize it either until I've had a bit of time pondering about it. Best decision I've made. The amount of energy drained that this person did on a daily basis led to nothing getting done. I was dealing with a person that feed off my failures and leeched off my efforts. Once I left, that person crumbled with his empty promises he would tight me along with him. There was nothing for him to scapegoat off anyone and then tried to reluctant try to get me back which I will never do again. I'm finding much more success in secrecy while keeping him at bay from it by seeming miserable.

Wow that is a great tactic, "throw away project" I love it! What I did with my narc was sound boring like nothing was going on in my life and when I had to speak with that narc, I stonewalled made it seem as if life was tough but same old same old. Never sharing upcoming successes, happy moments or even (what I may be pondering about) giving nothing to feed off whether negative or positive. Also when that toxic person would Call to control me, I would say "ok let me get off the phone and do that right now" making that person feel accomplished...like they had control. If it was a simple call to a relative I did do it but bullshit I did not comply, just made it seem as I was controllable. After few yrs of dealing w/a toxic individual you see CLEAR patterns...it becomes easy to see what toxicity, arguments lie ahead, making it easier to Dodge the bullet. When it's family you sometimes can't completely cut them off. But you certainly can distance yourself, move to another state, or avoid meeting them in places. Live your best life without them knowing :)

Excellent comment! Thank you!

Janet, thank you for sharing your experience, I hope your still healing. I wish my sister in law had left my brother before his behavior caused her life to end from trauma, illnesses then heart failure. You are very courageous may you continue to have a peaceful and joyful life 👍

Love your line, "not my circus". Best wishes for your healthy future!

Let him be the liar and a/hole. You hold your head high no matter what because you are the better person. Your children eventually will see the truth and if YOU relax in YOUR life and mind good things eventually will arrive. Keep your empathy for others obviously but live YOUR life and what keeps YOU happy. Peace.

A similar thing happened to me. One year, he's saying he loves me and wants me back after I'd had enough and filed for divorce. After the divorce, he immediately sought another woman. He dated one who broke it off immediately and dated another woman and was married to her 13 months after our divorce was finalized. Our children don't like her.

Congratulations on your divorce and that he remarried quickly. My ex tormented me for several years until I learned how to not react. His longtime girlfriend is as bad as him, but at least they don't bother me as much anymore. (Any event with one adult children is a new opportunity but not reacting is the best payback.)

Praying for you and everyone here. The best mental armor for me has been accepting the reality that I'm dealing with an emotionally disregulated toddler who's incapable of logic, reasoning, or rationality, due to living in the alternate universe of their own psychopathy. It's not my responsibility to fix toxic toddlers trapped in adult bodies, causing chaos, drama, destruction, and wounding others. I pray for them from a distance and hope everyone can remove themselves or disengage from the toxic entanglements. We have more important things to do like preparing our own lives for the increasing mass psychosis of society, than waste time mud wrestling with emotional toddlers engaged in malevolent, spiteful behavior. Peace & strength to you, dear tribe of Overcomers❣💪😎👍💜🙏

@@melissam.6054 Denial is the first stage and can take years if not decades to overcome, acceptance of their nature will set you free. Victims hesitate to walk away but little do they know it's the best part.

Oh the mind games…Run!

wil - yes ! the travel thing happened with me repeatedly ( with a narc relative ) ! I finally wised up and stopped trying- It took me YEARS to get over that loss(10 )… but I prefer the empty heart to the damaged one .

MP Gibson,You deserve better

Toxic Cousin W.D.S ( yeech)! Bye!!!!

Ditch the siblings!dint forgive or look back...they only get worse.

No one deserves disrespect. What works for me is to avoid these people all the time.

@@paulinerichardson138 Forgiveness is essential for our wellbeing not theirs. I truly think they have no control over their illness.

Grey rock is NOTHING like gaslighting!

I want to remain pleasant and authentic, neutral and nothing like him. He does want me like him , miserable

@@helendonlan4836 to that person, gray rock might seem like game playing or deliberately messing with the narcissist's mind the way that gaslighting is. But you are right. Gray rock is a technique for protecting ourselves without getting into a battle with the narcissist. Gaslighting is a weapon the narcissist uses to the detriment of others.

The point is, if you pointing out the abuse, you are not rising to the bait. You are actually using the gray rock technique.

@@brucethedruid Not really. The abuse I endured required that I not ignore it. I had to respond and react. My possessions were destroyed, requiring me to lock them in a room. Joint bank accounts were emptied requiring me to separate finances. I was defrauded requiring legal interventions. Gary Rock would have had me ignore their antics. I DID need to address their behaviour, remain true to myself, and eventually extract myself from their realm. It took time, I DID have to respond to their behaviour, but I stayed true to my personality, and did not stoop to behaving like them.

I usually do the "wham bam" if there is a takedown underway after not too much prelude, because one should not waste too much time on those, much as you say, let them follow the usual routine and blow themselves up, or let them speak and then crash their whole thing with what even they have to see that they can not defend. BAM. Odd hobbies

I think this happened recently with the Narc ex-husband and father of my children. As we know, they NEVER let up. Constant messages and unfortunately I can't ignore all of them as they involve our children. He acts like he is doing me a huge favor by taking care of them while they are in his custody, resentful of paying child support and again acts like this is a favor. I am so sick and tired of his constant tallying as well of what have I done for him. Such a self-absorbed, deeply insecure idiot. Now he has blocked me. Thank God for the reprieve of his BS.

His name is Gus. I agree.

I think it was around the four-minute mark before I even noticed him. He’s beautiful and seems like the type of companion I’d have if I were “a pet person.”

I'm like Garfield the fictional cat. Napping!

No. The most sage wisdom is not to have anything to do with them.

I haven’t tried this but think it would be the best strategy..only problem is,it will not stop the narcissist from continuing his abuse,it will most likely infuriate him and up his game more,which will be even harder for you to ignore…and also what kind of life would that be to live this way,after ignoring him,you both will still be in an unloving environment that is going nowhere,void of physical and emotional love that I crave ,so what’s the point

@@rosinastrippoli7768 I hear you. Maybe if you could learn to need that love a little less desperately. Or just leave and find a better life. If you stay this advice will make for a more peaceful life. I left mine after a physical altercation. Shelter for a couple of months but I'm happily living single now.

No pleading, no coaxing, no convincing Repeat after Dr. C!

@@rosinastrippoli7768 Before seeing your comment, I asked advice on the same thing..if they try to "up the ante" or up their game to if it's something it's impossible for you to ignore and you therefore MUST confront them about it, because if not you're taking on abuse that will put you in a bad situation if you don't address it. I have ignored and have given no fuel, but I have dealt with the extreme, "forcing me to HAVE to address it" situations as well. You let me know I'm not the only one wondering about this.

Absolutely heartbreaking, as a mother, to witness your daughter being abused, especially when she is approaching childbirth. Hopefully there will be a source of support to guide both of you through this very difficult time.

You could suggest that given the stress of her partner going to jail and she being pregnant that she attend a psychologist.

The road less traveled is an excellent book.. emotional resilience is an even better book.

Don't give up on her, just follow the advice given here and be the light....

Please be ever so careful. Sounds like she's been "weaponized." If she's willing to see a psychologist, help her find one. However, by no means let her know that you'll "never give up on her" in those words. You can be there for moral support as you are Grandmother now... a whole different dimension, different world is about to enter your picture. She may very well use your Grandchild as a weapon, in fact, you can count on it. Your own love & compassion may be used against you, too. Thru the years, I've listened to many people say those very words. Being one who doesn't know the meaning of "give up"... I never did, much to my detriment decades later. It's not a matter of "giving up" on her, it's a matter of "never giving up on YOU." NEVER say to that person that you will "never give up on" them. They will most likely interpret that as weakness and proceed to take your life apart. Stay true to your values. God bless you and your daughter and your upcoming Grandbaby🙏Good luck...be safe.

Its they who need to shape up! Remember

Almost exactly the same experience as yours. Sibling could not believe that she said something that would cause me to ask for a 6-week "time out' to process things before reconnecting. After reconnecting, she did not want to discuss what happened. We are now 2 years into sending birthday and seasonal cards (Civility, Dignity, and Respect). Works for me!

You do know your sister drops the cards in the trash without opening them. Stop requiring yourself to send the cards. It means nothing to her. Could be a recurring source of irritation. Who knows.? Send a card to an elderly friend .

Lololol Hahahaha still sounds just like my sister to me. She’s is always so unfair to me

That's awesome! I hope you are doing great

Be careful. They can go next level easily to the point you can be in harms way. These types will not back down. Good luck 😎

@@tallguy8937 True, or put you AND themselves in harm’s way and still not back down. You’re trying to salvage the situation and they’re there sabotaging your every effort.

@@breakthroughmoment1647 my deceased ex of 32 yrs passed on his narcissist bahavier to my son. He is still loving but can be hateful out of no where , just won't care unless he get a band playing music how wonderful he is and no one can do anything without him. He is one of my sunshine sweetheart that can blind with heartbreaking words and actions. How can I get him to stop acting that way? This is the family dynamic that keeps on giving. 😢

@@foxiedogitchypaws7141 If the relationship is toxic for you, you may have to let them go and protect yourself. That is easy to say if the are on their own and there are no grandchildren involved. My friend's son is only 14 and she sees him acting like his narcissistic father. He is so insulting and verbally abusive to his own mother at that age. She told me "I may have to move away from him" when he is a grown man. That is heartbreaking.

Make time to be by yourself every day so you will be able to catch your own thoughts .

You are such a strong person to realize that while contented enough with your own company only instead of ending up to be judging yourself too only because you are not like that. Took me quite a while to escape from the constant scapegoating and a while after that too to get there. Because I feared all of their flying monkeys too some of whom I was taught from the time I was small that I should be looking up to. I had to develop my critical thinking skills and educate myself too about a lot of things to some degree in order to overcome that sort of thing. For example being nice all the time can be inappropriate sometimes too. Like being too patient with someone instead of just letting go of their nonsense and then moving on while being firm about it. Now no matter how many degrees someone has on their wall when they are saying illogical things while trying to stigmatize me only because I am a woman with a failed marriage only so they can mislabel me while trying to make a name for themselves later I am gone for a second opinion to somewhere else.

@@mariaawake4502 yes I need that. You are right! I got affirmations from Dr. C's videos and I read this the minute I get up :)

@@francesbernard2445 thank you for your kind words! ❤ seems like you analyzed, resolved and moved on. All three are qualities of mature, highly proactive people. Us women have to convince ourselves of the truth more than anything, and stick with it :)

Good luck to you. I can absolutely relate to the words you typed. I fear there is no way to make them listen. The only thing they hear and see is, I’m right, you’re wrong. Be cautious 😎

I think they feed their weird psyche with somebodys energy

That's how it works. Your frustration is food to their soul. Dr. C

My “husband “has trouble sleeping,but when I’m upset,in physically pain,etc,he sleeps like a baby

Wow, great statement. They bait you in, and with zero interest in growth or solutions, they drive you to tears, then just fall asleep like nothing happened. I'm not over the anger of being treated that way yet, which is fine, I'm starting divorce proceedings and we need to sell the house and I need my singer strength to pull it all off alone, which if course is my punishment.....hahahaha....enjoy it pal, soon you will have no one but yourself to torture.

Thank you for jotting these down for the rest of us. I too have learned so much from Dr. C. 😊

@@djw8591 you're welcome. I used to write notes from Dr Carter's videos in a book to remind myself, but his valuable truth and methods are really getting into my heart and head now

@@michelepascoe6068 Same here! My daughter calls it KZfaq University.

@@djw8591 KZfaq university! Love that 😆

I know this comment is older but I’ve said that exact thing before to mixed reception. My mom is a covert narc and never seems to remember things the way they “actually” happened. The last time I said this it didn’t necessarily get her worked up but it just kind of allowed her to pivot and redirect the manipulation onto another part of the conversation. So I’d say give it a shot, it definitely depends on the individual narc but I definitely don’t think it’ll make the situation worse per-say.

Keep strong! Sounds like you are way more emotionally mature than them!

Ignore them both.

You’re a saint!

If possible, I'd tell him to go live with mom. If she's so keen on enabling him, she can be the one to deal with him on a daily basis.

@@kathychanning1614 Far from it, but thank you 😊🫶

Yes!

Good for you, trying for me, but some matters involve 'small talk', hard to stay non-complying ....

in 25 years we went to 2 places on vacation where I wanted to go. 23 were hers. she claimed we always had to go where I wanted. How do they honestly create such a pitiable reality?

@@wisconsinfarmer4742 Ex Narc said to me: "I always gave you peace." Oh yeah, 27 years of peace. They're delusional, and 95% of what comes out of their mouths are lies.

I wholeheartedly agree. Seek professional help and be happy once again. Peace.

I reach for the doorknob before things escalate. You can't go fast enough!

"Hope springs eternal!"

Youve done so well. Its hard to express how far youve come. The alternative was narc based annihilation and you rebelled and waves the flag of freedom. I salute you fellow nice person 🙂

I definitely can relate to this. Family members are difficult to deal with if you know that they are narcissistic plus miserable. I’m one who has always tried to express emotions towards them but am finally painfully realizing that it doesn’t really work around them like yourself.

Well said !!! Unfortunately ANYTHING you share with them will be twisted, thrown back in your face and certainly be used against you.

I’m in that place right now of not responding. I also learned the hard way that I was doing the wrong things like engaging, explaining, defending and all that would just make things worse. I agree that it does suck not being able to express any kind of feeling good or bad because it goes in one ear and out the other. I’ve been separated a year now hoping our relationship would improve but it’s the same. I’m learning to not answer any calls or texts. I will admit it’s hard because that’s not what I wanted but I have to do what I have to do for a better, happier, healthier life. I choose me, my life, my right to happiness and peace.

exactly 💯 🎯

me too ,whole family though.

Even harader when it's the bosses daughter who happends to work in the same office with you-----Or shall I say, the way she says it, "The FAVORITE daughter" then gives a toothy smile------ YUK

She says she's the FAVORITE daughter

then she smiles like bucky beaver!

Mine is dad.

Stay strong.

Been married to and also working for some over the years. You know what, be glad you can spot them easier now than before. Thats one thing you learned you maybe haven’t noticed you might have learned now. Good luck with job hunting and remember to look out for them since your goal is never to be dependent on one of them.

Keep job searching every week. Believe me, something else will open up for you.

If rents are high/housing scarce where you live, a housemate helps with bills. Maybe online side hustle, anything you like enough that you're good at it. What people admire, that you think is no big deal. I've proofread, written, brought food as private chef, cleaned, etc. Cook 100% home = best health, I save $200 month.

Try the Proctor institute. Or Marissa Peer’s RTT course.