It’s so validating to finally listen to a professional who understands the pain and difficulty of recovering from this type of trauma/addiction. It’s one thing to study it but a completely different thing to live it! Thank you.

You accurately described the relationship I had with an avoidant ex. So painful and traumatizing is an understatement. I went from secure to severely anxious and going through ongoing depression as a result .

Holy shit. It’s like you’ve been watching my relationship and transcribing the entire roller coaster. Thank you so much.

“i was with you only because i did not wanted to be alone” these words spookes me to this day, echoin

Its time for us to wake-up and leave these injured people alone.

I’m right in the middle of THE MOST HORRIFYING version of this boomerang avoidant hell… it’s so bad, dude… SOOOOO BAD… I’ve realized in the last month that I’m completely addicted… the scariest part is what made me realize this hopeless addiction is that as a former heroin addict, I started to notice uncanny similarities to what it’s like mentally to be in acute heroin withdrawal.

I became a stronger person meeting someone like this. I knew the moment we started talking this was a universal test and opportunity for healing. I struggled, hit my deepest wounds, faced my shadows... I still love them. I see the good the bad and the struggle. Sometimes, we just have to accept loving someone from afar. Maybe in the next life ❤ no regrets. I'm not destroyed, and they are not evil. They will continue this repetitive cycle. I'm off the merry go round. Healing continues ❤

The worst pain and anxiety of my life ....been with an avoidant could devastate your live to nothing ......they are humans like the rest of us but seriously damaged .My good advice to you from somebody that straggles with this for 2 1/2 years ...just take the pain and walk the hell out.

One of the hardest lessons to learn is giving up emotional attachment. but when you do it's liberating.

To my fellow FAs - just know you don't have to break up. You can tell the person you need time to yourself when you're having these extreme feelings. Be sure to tell the person up front that this may happen from time to time and why. Take that time to reflect and do the work on what's going on internally. The Personal Development School (PDS) has a ton of videos here on KZfaq, and has been a huge help in my own personal growth. Also, for the women FAs, I just recently found out about PMDD, which results from abuse (mental/sexual/physical). So that week before your period - that is when it hits hard where you feel low and depressed and can sometimes experience rage. I always thought it was PMS, but this is something different and can negatively affect how you relate to others during that week. Dr. Berg has a video on how to naturally resolve it, some commenters claim it helps.

30 years with my fearful avoidant. Every decade, give or take a year, he loses it and blows up our lives. He always, ALWAYS, cheats with an ex, leaves to pursue a relationship with them, and then returns to me. It’s also always a very abrupt and very brutal break up. It is torture for me and our children. I am now separated again and I live in fear of both him not returning and him returning. If you can get out early, do that. The damage these people can do over decades is devastating.

Second video I watched of yours. Wow dude you know your stuff. It’s scary how much right on the money you are exactly what I just went through for the last nearly 8 months. We just broke it off Saturday and I’m sticking to my guns. I’m done. She’s left me feeling like a pile of potatoes that got whipped. I don’t know where to begin. I appreciate this resource more than you’ll ever know. Thank you sir!

I’ve been seeing a severe fearful avoidant for 4 years. I’m just so fed up It’s exhausting!

Omg the blocking part is sooo true 😂😂😂😂😂 Blocks you slowly. Is Hilarious 8:44

Wish everyone who believes in twin flames listen to this. If they did they would heal and get over it much faster! Avoid these unless they are doing the work. I got involved in this mess for 4 years and the minute I put myself foot down they ran for good! They don’t come back and it was devastating in still recovering a waste of my precious time. I learned a lot now I avoid them as I can sense it right away. Don’t go through it not worth it if you do you got to have strong boundaries and a good productive life, community and personal well being. Great channel thank you for what you do here.

This guy is amazing !! His empathy for the truth is so satisfying 🎉

That shit broke me too my friend ❤ I have been a milder FA with an extreme FA/DA boomerang. Thank you for bringing my anxiety down today. I am the partner who has healed through the relationship and outgrown it, but boy oh boy the withdrawal is AWFUL. The rage, the despair... I feel like I've been on cr*ck 😢 And the synchronicity. Gosh so many god moments. I've become so much more spiritual through this whole experience. I think these relationships break us so bad that we need to make meaning from chaos.

This is one of the best explanations I found on the internet regarding the attachement style dynamics between people! Pure gold!❤❤❤ thank you for everything that you do and for sharing your knowledge with us!!!

The way that you overcome this as the fearful avoidant is to mend and repair attachment, injuries and attachment trauma. Alan Robarge goes through a lot of these strategies where he talks about sitting in acceptance of grief and attachment panic.

15 yrs of on and off, and years of therapy before I knew what avoidency is. Finally left and starting the journey of healing myself. Permanent damage 😢

Best explanation ever. So painful, I needed therapy and a psychiatrist for years. Thanks from Spain!

They will never fix themselves

I am living this and it is more brutal than my divorce from my 22 years in marriage and the mother of my child.

He doesn't even break up with me. He just avoids me for 2 or 3 weeks, or outright ghosts me, then comes back in fully love bombing me. He is self deprecating, and comes from a traumatic childhood. He's very funny, tender, attractive, sensitive, and sweet. We've had many intense bonding moments. We've gone through this cycle 5 or 6 times in the last 2 years. I'm addicted to his returning. I do feel like a junkie. I am trying to end it. In therapy. In the pit of despair. Have tried SLAA, but need to really commit to it.

Never have I been hurt like I was in this relationship. I gave my heart completely and it was trashed. I dont know yet that I'll ever be able to trust nor give my love like I did. He continues to drink the bottle and smoke away his life rather than get better.. Its so sad and living in a small town I just look the other way when we cross paths. Its sad really but the only way im able to heal and move past all of it. Its been a couple of years now and feels like it was yesterday.

Wow that body type statement hits home. Anything to flaw find.

Oh crikey you've just described the last 5 years of my life. Devastating

I'm def involved with one! He just came back after 2 mnths for the umpteenth time & he's being so distant still.

This is my wife. She suddenly ghosted me; a couple weeks later, she texted me that she didn’t think she could do it and get done; then another few weeks later, filed for divorce. This is the most crushing, soul-destroying experience of my life.

Fearful avoidant you are right I was laying in bed one day looking at the ceiling and it suddenly hit me ‘it is me I need to sort my shit out I am done with this shit done done done’

Everytime we got really close, he would Sabotage the relationship. He would just disappear for days/weeks retreating to his bed. Very very painful

Yes Ken, keep 'em coming! Your channel is gold! x

its very helpful and validating to have someone verbalize the happy times/all the "i love and want you so much forever" and intently getting to know you phase.......they may even mean well and mean it at the time themselves but not capable of carry through....

Hello Ken, thank you so much for uploading this. It’s almost therapeutic 😊

Its devastating

Thank you for this video. This is the ONLY video on the entirety of KZfaq on this topic.

I’ve had my share of relationships And a marriage with an extraordinary damaged and damaging woman who’s label I’ll leave for the pros But no pain None Has been like this This one broke me And o ended it and blocked her Knowing she’d push through again That is an extreme measure to take But necessary After several breakups and proclamations that she can’t live without me That she’s never known love like this She pushed pulled and I’d end it on the push each time She’d say it devastate her each time I made excuses for her and I’d tell myself to work with her avoidance Big giant mistake I’m older so I know this was my last attempt at love So it compounds it to maximum effect Please leave the avoidant to heal Find healthy love before you find yourself where I am It’s cruel to both partners to try to make it work

went through 6 breakups out of nowhere with my FA. This most recent one has been 4 months and she is seeing someone new. I am praying i am out of the cycle. You were spot on.

In a hotel tonight watching this video by myself eight months later still struggling, so hard to recover from the massive head. Fuck she put me through coming back giving me hope leaving again. I ran from the pain all the way across the country from coast to coast anything to not feel the pain I found out she got engaged six months later she came back three or four times just to leave me again then villainized me painted me black I’ve never had a criminal charge in my life at one point I received a domestic violence charge because I wouldn’t leave the house in the middle of the night when she kicked me out, $97,000 in aviation training down the drain the airlines will never hire me now. I don’t see myself recovering from this emotionally for years. I’m only 36 I still feel like I’ve never loved somebody so much in my entire life I still cry for her all the time I’m still in so much pain in so much despair so lost in life not knowing where to go still finding myself hoping she’ll come back knowing it’s wrong. I keep asking myself God I need help how do I rid myself of this grief? My little brother killed himself when I was 16 he was a year younger than me. I’m not going to lie in some strange way this has been 10 times harder to deal with please people please protect yourself I’m not saying she’s a bad person, but my life has been tormented. By the way she walked out on me, came back and gave me help and left again over and over. I even moved across the country to be with her after she left the first time, my life is in such shambles and I had everything going for me before I met her

My FA ex kept contacting me keep 2 years later after she discarded me. She keeps offering "friendship". So weird. I had to finally block her from everything.

Your videos give me strength at the moment!

Ken, thank you so much for this video. I'm taking it one day at a time and I do have my good days, but also bad days. I'm doing the work, journaling, reflecting, and finding what makes me happy and I have to say it has contributed to me being able to move on. You have unraveled so much of my concerns, questions as well as validated my process is good and healthy. It does take a long time. I'm on my 6th month, but man the first 3/4 months were soooo difficult. My partner was able to give me some closure after 3 months. we had a conversation, but her stoicism still shook me up. I am fortunate that she was never mean and admitted she knows something is wrong with her, but she doesn't know what it is. She said she doens't know why she broke up with me, but she felt she had to. I do agree with you it can be hard in both parties. However, I do not excuse her behavior. She is seeking therapy.

You always explain it so well!! Love your insight, communication, and advice. Thank you!!

one of the best videos i've ever seen on this topic. thank you for putting it together

Thank you so much for this and your true compassionate understanding

I’m learning to be patient with my avoidant, yes he’s thrown me away 3 times and came back, the fear over takes them and they deactivate pushing the ones they care about away cause they don’t want to get hurt and don’t want to hurt you. He’s asked me to be his friend for now since he’s not wanting a relationship. I wouldn’t want anyone to give up on me and I can tell he’s had bad experiences with people leaving him or hurting him. I’m patient with him and when he’s ready I’m here for him.

This was a valuable and HELPFUL watch. Thank you so much, you are going to go so far! Bring on the healing! 👏

Thank you, Thank you so much for this session! It helped me a Great Deal!!

YAAAAS Im here for this!!

My severely DA ex was a nightmare. Blocked me instantly at abrupt breakup. In coukd see he did not like himself on a deep level. insecure and superficial . . , He is not coming back. I’m better off.

Firstly I love your videos, and I am always sooooo intrigued how in gods green earth avoidants get married. Honestly can you explain please how they even get to this point. I had an avoidant who was sooo vulnerable and open with me I definitely know the connection was there 100# but then he started freaking out and picking fights and essentially I’ve texted and blocked me and now he’s with someone else and taking marriage and my brain is literally exploding this man was beyond anything I could ever imagine the biggest DA ever and commitment phobic next level. But then seeing that online it makes me wonder if DA’s just know when they have found throne and change completely because honestly the version of him I got I feel was there him , unhinged , triggered even though I approached this withcare and curiosity and with her he’s all love bomb central I can’t understand it. It hurts so much.

Good lord this is my girlfriend, and it is the most frustrating thing to deal with. It like she can't see she is the cause and my reactions are the effect. My reactions mean I may back away to regain my sanity for a day or so.

Great advice!

Right on point!

Oh no. Not for me. I’m so thankful that I had loving parents and a loving husband who adored me. I know this person was off.

Excellent video, thanks so much

God bless you, man.

Lord this is my life

Speaking from experience with allergic reactions when you have an anaphylactic reaction: you feel like you have to get everything restrictive away from your throat (jewelry, scarves etc.) and get outside in an opens or in a large space with high ceilings to feel less confined. When your tongue is swelling up from the back of throat you physically and literally can’t tell another person to save you or get your epi pen. You have to know where your epi pen is at all times (not an expired one either). When you stab yourself it hurts because the needle is thick, spring loaded and you have to jab enough that it can bruise. Then you feel soooo extremely exhausted while your body tries to catch up afterwards. I hope this helps someone understand the severity of what is happening within the body.

Great content 😊 I'm an avoidant( working on myself), if anyone has any questions, ask away, I'm happy to help you to understand what's going on in our heads.

Immaturity might be an issue I think with those people. Anxiety, too. They could heal in the relationship if they admitted that's the case perhaps. Coming from someone with a little string skin like this.

Ken, just started watching you. Your info is bang on! Clear and straight:). Question for you, if someone (me, the husband…) is subjected to say about 10-12 years to an dismissive avoidant who yes has emotionally abused me and when I try to broach this shit, I get platitudes about her “becoming a better person” but I have seen only fairly mild improvements over the past few years. Anyway my question is this is so alien to me, until this marriage. I was very trusting and had a Secure attachment but over the past decade I see that my personality has shifted and it looks like I developed a fearful avoidant attachment. Is this typical? Rare? Unheard of? She shifts with serious ranges in her demeanor. As long as I play along with her “Disneyland World” everything is fine. But if I talk about REALITY….. oh that’s probably not going to go well. Just curious on how often you see the recipient of intermittent emotional abuse (Emotional Neglect more often…………) and after long term exposure they actually shift their attachment style despite their attempts NOT TO…. Thanks so much, Cheers

I will always love him and he has been in therapy for over a year now but, if he really wants me in his life he will have to heal his fearful avoidance. 😢 I think I’m more important to him than the toxic women he keeps jumping into relationships with. It’s why he can be vulnerable with me but says that I am too important and significant to him to risk losing to a failed relationship.

I am in my late forties and have been dealing with a boomerang avoidant since I was 25. however, this person is a Dismissive Avoidant and not FA I am sure of it. Can someone let me know if DAs also boomerang? No it wasn't every 3 months Thank God (although in my twenties it was) that this was done to me-- sometimes my DA left for 5 years and once for even longer- but STILL I Feel like my whole life was miserable, even if there were many years where we went our separate ways. I think that the longer my DA went away, the more I was fooled that DA really changed. It occurred again a few months ago and this time DA really changed personalities and was VERY genuine and apologetic, driving hours and sacrificing time and money...and now I feel like an idiot for believing them. I guess since we are older, I thought DA had matured and this played a part. Well, 30 days ago, DA took a step back, no explanation, no nothing. I am in shock but It's my own fault. Today I am walking around like a zombie even at this age. I feel so alone.

FA leaning AP with FA leaning DA 😅 perfect balance until he tipped more into DA from stress and I tipped more AP....he abruptly left the relationship. Thank god NC and he hasn't bounced back.

So how do you accelerate the healing process when you’re in business with the avoidant, own properties together, vehicles, and live blocks away from each other? We still have to communicate at this point and it’s been very difficult especially when he acts like nothing happened and nothing is wrong.

This started happening after being together for a couple yrs he pulled away in the beginning but not for long and he would talk about our future then suddenly break up say very hurtful things go distant for months then come back and do the same cycle over n over. About every 6 months he would break up.

I knew when my stepson was diagnosed with a terminal diagnosis that the next time she left me would be the last. The trauma of her childhood abandonment would never allow her to lean on me for emotional support, only financial, but rather completely cut off any emotional connection for fear that she would be abandoned again. This time by the man who supported her for years & had sacrificed so much for her. I wish I had been able to not take her back the first time rather than living this roller coaster for 10 years only to end up emotionally & financially drained with nothing but conflicting memories.

Ouch it’s spooky how correct you are spot on yikes man I went through this for five years recently. Eight months later I’m still recovering from the traumatic experience of being ghosted by my fiancé.

Ken, have you read AVOIDANT ABUSE: THE ABUSE TECHNIQUE OF THE NEW AGE, by Rhea Khan?

If someone told me that I wasn’t their body type, I would say, “So what if I have love handles! Use them!” I’ve said something to that effect, to a guy before. I only saw him once, but he sounded intrigued after I said it. You just got to own it sometimes. However, seriously. It’s really shallow for someone to suggest that body type is the problem whether they mean it or not. Someone trying to dodge scrutiny to justify their own is bullshit.

It's strange. I'm an FA, but I don't constantly break up with partners. In fact, I tend to put up with alot more rubbish than I should, and they end it, not me. I've never cheated on anyone and I would NEVER intentionally hurt anyone. I also look very secure on the outside....own my own house, car, 20 year career as a nurse, have some good friends. I just can't stop being attracted to DA's and I push everyone else away and refuse to give them the time of day, and I get sssoooooo confused and disorientated with what is reality, when I'm dating someone 😢😢 My Father has a cluster B personality disorder (covert narc) and my Mum told ALOT of lies. My parents left me on my own as a very small child throughout the night every weekend to go out drinking and I had to look after my sister (I was 7, she was 5) so I believe this is where my damage was caused. My head just feels so messed up and it makes me depressed because I just want a secure relationship, but it feels utterly hopeless 😢

Wasn’t there supposed to be a section on blocking? Maybe it’s another video? Link?

Does therapy help if they ever come back. Working with a therapist not only individually but as a couple. Has that ever work?

Fearful avoidant sounds a lot like manic or bo polar .. no?

So, as an FA....I am trying to figure out if this is me or something I should keep an eye on, if you have someone that left out of your life but come back after apologizing, is it normal 🤔 to be loving and nervous to have them in your life because tou are afraid they will leave again or is that just my issues?

Fearful avoidant and I don't do this bc I've been in therapy for 10 years and I'm dealing with this right now from someone else and I can't get them to leave me alone even tho they have a girlfriend

Are anxious attached people the usual other partner (love addict) of the avoidant? Is the love addiction aspect a result of being w the avoidant or a natural consequence of being anxiously attached? 😊

Mine is going on 8 times. I know,I know….but …ughhhh

Like wow

I feel that we are both dismissive avoidants. 😢

I was going tobsay at least be ENM!!!!

Easy just assert boundaries like if you walk out you can't come back problem solved

What’s the point of stressing how difficult / how fuxked/ how dysfunctional/ brutal/ exhausting/ painful/ ineffective/ shamed/ failure-stricken/expensive/ in vain…blah blah it is for avoidant attaches or partners to heal? You are literally spreading fear over horror.