When I was 27 and got out of a 3 year relationship I started seriously dating for the purpose of marriage and children. I put it right on my dating profile that I was looking to get married and have kids sooner rather than later. I brought it up on the first date. I had a friend who got really upset to hear this. She shamed me for not conforming to social norms, not pretending I didn't care about kids that much, that I would scare off men. But I didn't care about the average man, I only wanted one, and I found him within a few months of intense online dating and going on many first dates. We got married within 4 months, started trying to have a baby right away. Next week we will celebrate our 9 year wedding anniversary and we have 2 kids and thinking about a 3rd. I didn't understand why it upset her so much that I didn't conform to what everyone else was doing, not pretending to be someone I'm not, to try to be more appealing to the type of guy I didn't even want. I'm glad that I stopped pretending to be someone I'm not and rationally thought about a dating strategy to get what I wanted.

Speaking of socialisation I think one of the worst things we’re taught by parents is not to “talk back” therefore not teaching us to stand up for ourself when we encounter abuse or mistreatment.

Authenticity is a shortcut to success.

It’s as simple as this: If we were abused, rejected, disrespected, heavily criticized, not accepted, nor understood, not loved, not admired, etc by our caregivers and desperately needed to be rescued we will attract relationships accordingly to recreate this trauma to be healed and to not to pass the curse to the next generations.

The ultimate dating tip winds up being 'just be yourself'. Not that hard to imagine.

Then again, despite being authentic there are some people who still fall for the potential of you. Potential of the ideal image of you. Even if the reality is out there, they still get into relationships thinking theyd change us.

Well said. I've long abandoned every strategy to be liked and chosen. I am clear with myself about who I am and who I want and need. I feel coherence and integrity. And I am perpetually single. Ta-da!! 🤷‍♀️ But maybe authentic and alone is the best I can get.

For me, I’ve had to be very independent and when I get in relationships men find out I actually have needs. I noticed this pattern and felt like I was duping them so I decided to express a need as soon as I felt it. I do get rejected quicker but now I can’t stop because once you express your authenticity, stifling it hurts even more than it ever did. I’ve only recently realized men do this too and looking back I see how. I mistakenly interpreted it as because of me they changed but really it was the dating game and persona they put forward to get more dates that faded as soon as I responded with a whole hearted yes. I also think there is a game that as a woman you always hold a bit back so that a man will keep putting his best foot forward. But that just prolongs the facade. I’d rather say YES to what I want and have the facade come down sooner rather than later. So we can end it and move on.

We are what we had in our childhood.

I’ve pretending to myself as well, so I might have to embark on an internal archaeological dig before entering into any relationship again.

1.7k views in 40 min. Very proud of you Teal. You have changed my life. Evidently many others too

I recently (well, 4 months ago) came out of a relationship that was 7 years long. Since then I have done a lot of self reflection. I realized I wasn't myself with her and never was. Partly because neither of us were are total selves at the start. Sure, we both changed, and maybe grew apart. But I don't think either of us were ourselves to begin with. I'll explain who I "was" when we met. Or what I really mean the projection of myself I decided to show. It was still me. But a version of me. I exaggerated the parts of me that made me sound interesting or "cool." The drugs I had done (we met when I was 21), the music festivals I have been to. The more party version of me. I hid a lot of what I thought was weird about myself. I've always been kind of an...animated...kind of person. But I hid a lot of that. Not because I wanted to lie, but because I thought I had to. I wasn't forthcoming about my biggest passions, because they aren't "manly". I hid a lot of my emotions. I didn't talk about them. I was able to go on this way for a few years. Being myself. But also not being totally me. Eventually we were living together and more of my true self eventually came out. As it would naturally. You can't not be yourself forever. And as the more real version came out, she rejected it. She didn't like that my biggest passion was film. She didn't like that I cried in movies or while watching TV. She didn't like that I loved musicals. That I enjoyed romantic films. Or foreign film. Or small indies. Or weird overly gory and creepy films. Films that are unsettling. She hated that I saw Lady Bird seven times in the theatre and made fun of me for it. She made fun of me for being obsessed with La La Land. She would mock me because of it. She would write off the foreign film I watched. She hated that I loved film staring women, or that had a lot to do with the woman experience. But I loved that, because I'm a straight man. As a straight man, I like getting out of that box and watching stories about experiences that aren't mine. Or gay stories. I enjoy film or TV that explores non hetero relationships. Then that seemed to make her hateful towards the LGBTQ+ community. Maybe she always was, it just didn't come out right away. Same goes for any non-white/non-hetero category. She didn't understand why I liked seeing these stories and how I still see myself in them eventhough I am straight or am white (well, mostly - if you read my name you can clearly see that it is not fully the case - but I wasn't born into the Mexican culture, I was born into a white non Spanish speaking culture in the home, sadly). She would often ask if I were actually gay. She would ask how can I see myself in a teenage girl. She would question my masculinity because of it. Question my emotions when I got emotional about something going on around me. I cry a lot. More than I would like. But it's also because I am an empath. Sometimes I see someone on the street and I get overwhelmed. I can feel them. Feel what is going on in their world. And I would want to talk about it and she hated it. She also hated how animated I was. I'm a weird person and I held that back a lot but eventually I couldn't anymore. I have weird mannerisms. I have weird quirks. I love flowers. I love nature. I love people. I love conversing with others. I love giving a stranger a compliment. All things she didn't really seem to understand. We both enjoyed going to national parks, yes. But not on the same level. I dream of nature constantly. I'm sad being in Chicago. I don't like it here. I want to live in Pheonix. Be close to the nature I love and a lot closer to the national parks I love. She was supportive of that. But she also didn't understand how not being in that city and not being closer to the parks affects me. It makes depressed. I wasn't meant to live in Chicago. I was always meant to be out there. Here isn't home and being here I will never be fully happy. She didn't understand that. Eventually we grew so far apart that it had to end. I held on as much as I could. A mistake I now see. I was afraid of being alone. And while she didn't accept me for who I was completely. At least she somewhat accepted me and settled for that because I didn't think anyone could ever accept who I full was. Since being apart I figured out a lot about me. I'm lucky enough to have an amazing friend that I have known since I was a sophomore in high school. We're both 28 now. My friend, who is happily in a relationship with someone. Our relationship is strictly platonic, always has been. But she helped me figure a lot of things out. We didn't see each other much or talk much in the last couple years of my relationship. But in the last couple months of my relationship, when things were beginning to get really bad with my ex and I, my friend and I reconnected in a big way. I apologized about not being my best self and not being the best friend I could be to her and she accepted my apology and accepted me. I was able to talk to her about the rifts happening between myself and my then girlfriend. How we were drifting apart and becoming different people. About how I don't think she likes who I am and I don't think I want to be with someone like her. Someone that doesn't share my passions, but instead shames my passions and emotions. Makes me feel small and less of a man for them. Someone who doesn't accept how weird I can be, how weird I can act, how odd my humor can be. Once my ex and I split, I really started to find myself again. I also started being 100% honest with everyone.. My family, my friends. Since being 100% honest with everyone I meet and being my genuine self I have lost some family. But become closer to my friends. Not just her, but all my friends. None of them pushed me away. They all accept me and know who I am. But because of my best friend, I learned to be my 100% honest and genuine self. Because she showed me it was okay to be. I took the plunge of being 100% authentic with her and not holding anything back and it helped me figure out a lot about me and what I want out of the next person I am with. Which starts with me, being 100% me. I always tell her "I don't want to be anything other than my 100% genuine and honest self. And yes some people will hate me for it. Some people will think I'm weird. A lot of people won't understand me. But as long as I stay true to myself and never not be 100% honest and authentic, then eventually it will lead me to finding the right person for me. The person will understand me and accept me. I'll meet a lot of people that won't but I can't let it change me again. As long as I be myself all of the time, no matter how painful it can be sometimes, it will all lead me to the right person." I doubt anyone even read this. And if you started, you probably stopped a long time ago. But if you did read it all, thanks for listening to my story. And I hope it helps you to live your most authentic life, no matter how hard it may be.

I would rather be alone forever than to be inauthentic again. It’s a good feeling and if someone does cross my path I will know that I’m loved for who I really am. In the mean time, I have source, myself and my pets. 🙏🏻

Lol "There's pain on all sides. ☺️ Have a good week!"

Incase You'd Rather Read About It Instead: tealswan.com/resources/articles/great-dupe/

That's great! There is a similar effect in the job market. People are so avoidant of rejection that they will accept a less than favorable position. It is a disservice for them, for the company, and ultimately, for my neighbours.

The difficult part about this is that we most likely subconsciously “dupe” / “sell” ourselves… I don’t think it is usually intentional. I think a 90 day trial of dating someone before making a choice of becoming serious is a great idea because the real person will likely be well revealed by then. As always, great timing with your videos✨

for me it's difficult as I've always been more authentic, cause I didn't know that people were like that, that they faked until get the attention from me they wanted... so it was very painful for me, I felt like I was scammed. Now I understand better why they acted like that.

This is why affairs are so dangerous & people who leave for their affair partner end up being deeply unhappy. When you meet your affair partner, youre almost never meeting the real them…but you’re meeting a facade - meeting them at their best. For the person who leaves their marriage for this “image”, they’ll feel duped when the real person comes to light. They realize that they never actually knew them at all. A terrifying prospect that should make it easier to remain faithful

This is one of those terrifyingly synchronistic uploads. Not only was I JUST reflecting on how I quit online dating because of the game of strategic inauthenticity (on both sides) and the heavy burden of expectations that most people place on the table before you've even met in person, BUT the example story about "Brian" was so damn reflective of the guy I'm actually in love with. I've already been doing a lot of soul searching and coming to understand why he is the way he is and what I've needed to heal within myself, but "Brian's" story is so uncomfortably spot on that it really clarifies why there is such a huge push and pull dynamic between us. On one hand, he's attracted to fact that I'm very self assured and independent (I was also raised by a single mother, and women in my family are expected to carry every burden by ourselves) and therefore he doesn't have to "father" me, but at the same time, he still believes that he has to and doesn't want that extra burden. Plus, my own upbringing and generational trauma raised me to believe "I'm a strong independent woman who don't need no man", which leaves someone like him no idea where he'd fit in my life, so why bother? Yeah, I could basically write a whole essay about how this video really supports and clarifies a lot of what I've been thinking about and working on lately, but I just want to say that WOW, impeccable timing and thank you so much, Teal! Also, as a visual artist, I must point out how incredible the colors are in this video

You know, after listening to this (and just emerging from a short but equally duping courtship) I am realizing that I continue to attract unavailable men, that it's happened for years, and that now I have an entry point to start some shadow work on. Thank you Teal and Teal Tribe! You're doing great!

People are subject to change, in everyway, everyday, whether they want to or not, On a gross level or a subtle one. There only relationship worth pursuing for me is with myself. I must say I'm getting better at it. Although a nice joint every now and then always helps. I know Teal's against loneliness, but a video on how to be alone and happy with that would be much appreciated.

Excellent... this modern culture has not only disconnected us from our emotional needs, it has also disconnected us from our bodies. The basic natural sense & sensibilities of male and female natures. Peaceful & TY🙏🏿

Teal I need to thank you for your dating videos. It is a very strange game out here I appreciate you giving us your as always very needed advice love you

I sure hope Brian and Stacy find true love. 💯

So grateful for all of this. Yes, we must know ourselves, our attachement styles, values and our needs to really be authentic when dating. Most people take a long time to figure these things out, if ever! I love authenticity.

Teal, I am so thankful for you and to you for leading me to liberate myself. I remember you explaining how to meet our own needs in one of your books: “do not go searching for milk in a hardware store”. I’ve never forgotten that and together with the Needs video, I am learning to meet my own needs. It is liberating to arrest a thought wanting to project a criticism on someone by expecting them to meet a need only I can provide. When I realised that, I began to step into self-validation, self-approval and self-appreciation. It is extraordinary how these specific values shape us internally. I have found myself explaining my perspective in discussions, not with the furious neediness of the past, but with the calm, loving embrace of self-validation. My voice has grown firmer and yet the volume lower. More and more, it is okay if someone disagrees with my perspective. Until they can provide me with ample evidence to support their claim against mine, my perspective remains as valid as theirs but I no longer need them to agree with me. And if I am presented with evidence that helps me see an alternative perspective, I am willing to change my mind without feeling diminished about the perspective I held before. This liberation is manifest in myself. I radiate and I can feel it. I am enjoying more and more things, and I am beginning to appreciate even more that twinkly little giggle you’re always sharing. I know what you’re pointing towards in this video. I sense it more than I can articulate it. I am amused, delighted and it explains my utter reticence to engage with dating. I’m going to do parts work on that aspect tomorrow and I can only imagine what she’s about to belt out. I love you for helping point me towards the love I have always been and always had for myself. You’re wicked!

and now there's pain on all sides, have a good week

Teal, you just described TWO of my ex boyfriends. I felt duped by both of them and they were angry and hurt when I wouldn't accept them for who they really were. This video explains a lot. I have not even tried to meet anyone in years because I have trust issues and I am tired of putting myself out there.

I’m amazed by how following this advice has been helping to clear away anyone who isn’t in alignment with what I truly want to give and experience in relationship. At the same time, the clarity is allowing those needs to be met and manifested through friendships and other relationships, and I’m feeling so much more empowered and creative than ever before- as well as feeling inspired to support the Me from 20 years ago who I wish had been given this information!!

You just described the relationship with my ex. Thank you.

I'm putting this in my Love folder. Repeat, share, repeat. I'll get this through my head, eventually & look forwards, to the future; my loved ones AND friends closeby. Thank you Teal. ❤💔

Emotional Incest; what a great term. Feels frighteningly familiar to my early childhood experience.

Love you teal 🖤 you've helped me get insight in a lot of things. I'm so gratefull for your teachings

You are my favorite youtuber! Give merch to Beast Philantrophy ! He is giving it away to people in need and that is exactly those people who needs you!!!❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

Hit the nail on the head as usual! I think that this advice can definitely be extended to other types of relationships, such as friendships or career. It’s not easy to be honest but it’s worth it. Thank you so much Teal. ❤️

Thank you Teal, That really helped me see how how much I do exactly what you said. I really appreciate being confronted with that kind of truth 🧡

Excellent advice. Always be authentic to attract like-minded individuals, even just friends.

Love this!! So so true. “Start as you mean to go on”

Brilliant insight always! I swear teal a GOAT 🔥 “always advertise the truth of yourself”

I have been duped. A man pretended to be someone literally opposite of what he was. It hurt me because I ended up falling in love only to realize that the person I fell in love with was a temporary faker. It does hurt to be deceived. So, being true to who you are won't safeguard you from being hurt because being true to yourself only guarantees your own standards of authenticity but not other people's standards! And when you deal with other people, you never know who they are and what you get from seemingly authentic actions that they show off.. .

This is spot on. I have been so emotional watching your videos because it’s all so true 😭❤️🙏

I just love your examples,... they make things unmistakably clear,... thank you!

I love you so much Teal Swan! Thank you for the truth Thankyou for existing, Thankyou for being you, and Thankyou for helping me

still hoping together with my neighboor, that you will be giving a workshop in the Netherlands one day. Thanks for your amazing videos and lots of love from holland!!

This blow my mind, I am truly authentic and honest with my dating technique, no strategic at all! But I am picky! 🙁

Nobody knows themself. People will always change, even in relations. No promise is binding.

Allways speak straightforward with open accurrated mind with a honest and faithfull hart ,Thank you . Kind regards Teal Swan .Greetings from Roch...

Transactional relationships where people are at each other's disposal based on whether or not a better deal is available is mistaken for love.

You are sooo pretty, love the background painting!! Xoxo

This is so key ! All of it. Good for relationships: romantic and platinic

Video came right on when I am dating and meeting other women interestingly. It also looks like the old Teal videos , like the way how she showed up in the beginning.. so raw and real!

This video is priceless. I'm actually going to go and do the exercise she suggests near the end of the video. So good!

Wow! This is one of the best uploads hands down!

one of my favorite videos of yours! Thank you!

Wow. Really needed to hear this. Thank you💘

Thank you for really teaching us the truth 🙏🏽

Teal, I'm super grateful for this knowledge

Oh my god! You are so right, I wish I knew that earlier this way I would avoid painful relationships.

this video is fire , we needed this

WOW! This Video Is Intelligent, And Absolute Gold! Must Watch!

Thanks Teal, this is spot on. May the rest of the planet understand it one of these days

Wow, thank you teal. Love your hair❤️

Yes, very sunchronistic for me too. Good job teal, you are getting input from your third eye chakra.

Can always count on a new Saturday morning video from Teal 👏🏻☺️

This was amazing. Thanks for really showing those details. I have experienced those scenarios in my life.

Teal, 1.11m followers, congrats 💫

omg Teal I love you, you always do something ultra mega helpful

Great video!

thanks for reminding me 🌸

This is why I don’t “date” thanks for the vid Teal ✌🏼

WE LOVE YOU TEAL!!!!!!!

Honesty with tact is the best policy.

Wow,this was so good!

It would be nice to get somewhere with this. I guess I get so exhausted after self care, travel and work. I seem to get enough recovery time and then back to the grind stone. Society has failed to provide me with a partnership. So, yeah lonely but, I do my best to be honest and Authentic with others. This is a good video. Appreciate the work of teal swan in this effort. Thanks all.

This is my favorite channel.

This was brilliant!

Thank you, Teal ❤

Holy crap watching this makes so much sense. As to why my Xhusband is my X. This an so much more but it really made a lot more clear to me as to how I was duped into thinking he was one thing but he was really the other. Thank you im feeling better about myself now. He had me convinced for a long time I had done him wrong. Infact he was truly looking for somebody different then who I am. Thank you

Its helpful to notice how the person is when you’re working on a project together or traveling together or interacting in groups, as these situations will show you something significant about how getting along with them is in actuality. Typical going out on dates really doesn’t give you much of this kind of intel and just heightens sensual chemistry or lack thereof. Dating is awkward and we often are at a loss on how to fill those awkward spaces and we feel put on the spot; so often people do develop some kind of an artificial strategy, and in this video I just found “strategies” discussed. Successful coupling is not really going to be about strategies or machinations. It does take an incredibly lengthy amount of time to unearth the fullness and totality of who someone is, a lifetime, really. Successful coupling is more about do you like having the person around in close proximity to you, does their presence give you comfort and the feelings you like, can you work well together, do you have similar goals and interests and morality so that there is lots to converse about and do together, and can the person leave you alone when you want that (do they heed your boundaries), and respect your other needs, and how are you in handling their boundaries and needs. Also do they interpret you in an accepting, friendly and forgiving manner and do you do the same for them? Do you “get” him, does he “get” you? How much do you respect the person and they, you? Thank you so much Teal for the thought-provoking video.

Teal Swan for president!!

Aspects and making space also"upping your game" and strengthen an aspect for ones self an relationship.. Emotion,action!, speech and form. Braking in the relationship at the 1st year. I hope it helpt you teal .Peace

I realized my ex husband, i had met him on tinder, and i realize now after years of being divorced that when i said to him, we probably wouldnt have met normally, he wouldnt have spoken up to actually say hi. So now i realize he was never going to provide what i needed.

Amazing as always

Thank you teal💙

This video reminds me of The 5 Love Languages. The book helps you find what you want most in your relationships. Mine is when my partner does chores around the house or acts of service. His is words of affirmation. Interesting I don't care for words. I feel action speaks louder than words. A good read for couples.

We walk again. Make our pathway clean. Please. 👁SEE ALL .

Thank you Teal, always could use a refresher...

Well said, Teal!

So eye opening 🙏

After understanding this I feel like I'm no longer the victim of the heartbroken that I had. I'm as bad as they are for not being honest enough about what I really want out of the relationship rather than just put society expectations as my standard. I wasn't being my authentic self just because I want to keep some relationship. It's a recipe for disaster. Finding someone who truly compatible is more important than rushing to make connections that give us butterflies work

this is so deep and powerful

Great video. Ive done dating. But since I dont live in a cave, socialisation is necessary. Not too many teachers who dare stepping into the relationship-era. We all seek unconditional Love. But to have is to give.

Really liked the video. Have a great week ms swan.TY

Teal you just put me and all my partners on blast so amazing thank you sooooo much

Blessings blessings abundantly magnificent teal

Beautiful background :)

I love you, Teal! ❤️🙏🏾

Much love ❤

Great pt on how much energy do you want to put into duping each other Thank you for yo awesome wisdom. Clarity in insane world valuable Survival in wilderness, same rules don't expend more energy then you get in return kinda thing, and if you aren't being real, you might space out get hurt, sick, or' lost'