Elinor Greenberg Ph.D., explains the Fantasy in intimate partner relationships with narcissists. She calls it the "Narcissistic Love Script." In the Idealization stage (she calls it courtship "Love Bombing") she illustrates, "Unfortunately, they (narcissists) are not actually seeing you at all, only the role in their 'Love Script' that they have projected onto you. You have value in their eyes because they believe that they are finally going to get everything that they want in a mate. It is all about them, not you." This also happens in work relationships where you have been "idealized" by your employer projecting their "fantasy" onto their object of desire, the employee, and when the employee doesn't fulfill the employer's fantasy, they devalue the employee. Elinor Greenberg Ph.D., The Narcissistic Love Script, Psychology Today, April 18, 2017

Mr. Grannon, I was under narcissistic abuse (two husbands) for 39 years. Then I stayed alone for 9 years. I got on my knees and begged God to help me CHANGE MYSELF so I’d never be abused again. Then I met a good,gracious, fun man. We’ve been happily together 9 years. We both are free to be ourselves. Amazing. You can be yourself and have true love. I promise.

Not so sure I even want a relationship anymore! Yet I want one deep down , what a conundrum!

This is all part of stepping away from our conditioning & out of the matrix. It can be a lonely journey, but is a peaceful one. ☮️

I just left my narcissist, almost a month now. That is where I am in my life, no relationship. What I’m scared of is losing my peace. I can not afford that!! What I don’t like is that I still think of him, so frustrating.

Mr. Grannon, I don't know what it's like to have a toxic romance. My husband is the best thing in my life. But I grew up with domestic abuse and grew up messed up from that. You helped me. So it doesn't matter to me if you have romantic perfection in your life because narcissistic abuse ISN'T JUST ABOUT THAT. Thank you for helping me.

Love your honesty im a narc survivor and pshycotherapist. An awful relationship history, single for 10 years but a great relationship therapist ha ha

It really is gross. I was wondering why I no longer longed for, liked, wanted or even cared about 'romantic love'.....quite honestly, I think you get to the end of your own healing and awakening and you see it all for what it is, which Richard has done an INCREDIBLE job of explaining this. Thank you!

Years after a relationship with someone with BPD. After years of intense therapy, I still fear relationships. It is misery.

I rarely comment, if ever, but this has to be said. I have been going back & forth with my full blown off the scale narcissistic (now) ex for 19 months. I discovered your channel 12 months ago. Although I am still getting sucked back in with his ever evolving and increasingly intense hoovering, I learn so much from your vlogs and experiences. I am so grateful for your work! 🙏 He is a public personality with an insatiable ego and I can’t even begin to describe the litany of hurt and abuse and tears that leaves me broken in so many pieces that I don’t even know who I am anymore. There are days I just want to end it all…and it’s no joke…the ideations are real, people. I’m praying for strength to get through this, and you are a godsend to me right now. Thank you Richard Grannon 🙏 PS. F**k Sam Vaknin. It was only a matter of time before his narcissistic-psychopathic self turned on you too. I applaud your strength in standing up for yourself.

Thank you for being so honest and open! I have only had 3 relationships my whole life through, no short flings etc. The first lasted 8 years and ended well, we are still friends...so not a bad one. The second was extremely abusive, mentally and physically...lasted 11 years. Got the courage to end it and ran straight into the claws of a covert narc. Lasted 4 years because he seemed to be the polar opposite of the 2nd one. So made excuses, looked other way when my gut told me something is wrong. He discarded me a month ago because I started saying no and thinking for myself. Lo and behold, he already had his new supply groomed and ready to move in with him a month before he discarded me. So I am now 45 and I am done. I am happy for people that find love and that are really happy. I just don't think it is for me, cause obviously I am not choosing well.

I won’t be in another relationship ever! I hate fake fantasies etc! I’m 57 now and want peace. I enjoyed the video and understand what you said. I’m not a feminist either. I’ll finish my years out with my kids. It’s a narcissist pandemic like the Bible said. I hope for the best for you. ❤

I wish like hell I had this man's sense of boundaries and confidence. I used to be stronger. I need that back.

Fantasize a happy boring life with another who treats you right.

Despite the hurt, pain and endless betrayal..don't give up on funding love. There are good people out there too... it's just almost impossible to find them...but when you do it will be worth it. .. Good things are worth waiting and fighting for.

You are the best coach out there Richard, with great sense of balance between speaking the knowledge and playfulness

I absolutely agree that it impacts being able to move forward and trust again.

I look at romance the way I look at Alcohol. It's fun in the beginning but I don't trust myself not to lose myself to it and it's far less fun at the end.

After 20 years in my marriage I’ve realized my role to my husband was to be the mother he never had and the sex partner that was just fantasy. Research and neurofeedback to get out of my loops and find new experiences has helped me see this clearly. I’ll atone for my behavior in my marriage, which was very shitty for a long time, but now I just was to run away from him bcuz he’s stuck in his loop.

At the end of his life I asked my narcissistic father why he was mean to my mother. He said that he knew she was crazy and wanted to prove it so she could be institutionalized. (he wanted unaccounted for time with his girlfriends). I asked him what he planned to do with his 7 children. 🙄🙄🙄what you are saying rings so true regarding narcissism. Everyone in their live serves THEM. Unfortunately, they are not holistic thinkers and don’t see how they inadvertently hurt their own lives.

This was the most enlightening video I have heard to date. Makes so much logical sense out to totally illogical actions we all engage in.

UNINTENTIONAL love bombing w/in a (fantasy) relationship.....YESSSSSSSSSSSS. Mind = Blown. THANK YOU. I have not been able to put words to this experience, only knew that it felt 'off'. Holy hell. Thank you, Richard.

Thank you for all the work you have done with educating us , this time round I've learnt so much and I know I will always be OK with or without a partner 😊 learning to face the truth and realising I was in fact truma bonding , I love the person I am and I know my worth ❤️

Thanks Richard for this beautiful video! I love how real you are with how you explain things, and you share your experience and challenges you've had over the years. You are an amazing person! 🌈💗

I'm so sorry you went through that. It sounds horrific. I wouldn't wish that kind of torture on my worst enemy. Your humour is brilliant. As much as I watch and listen to your videos for insight, I also look forward to the flippant remarks and dry humour. Thank you

What a relief from your reference to love-bombing. I remember doing that but the rest of what a toxic interaction was did not match up for me. So I was in doubt about it. A weight off my shoulders, I was feeling a lil bit of guilt and remorse.

You mention secks and the alarms start going off! Love it!

Also just wanted to thank you Richard for revisiting old topics. I know you've said you don't want people to get stuck in this, and I agree, but it has been really difficult to help someone in my own life navigate these things when I'm trying to find that one killer point you made about halfway through a random Q and A 3 years ago on one of your many channels. 🤣 Keep up the great work!

Really enjoyed this. Weirdly the line that's sticking with me is - Blurp.... that's on you now. It feels like there's so many of us walking around blurping on each other then feeling victimised. When really our inability to truly see people is causing a lot of our pain.

Loving your deep and humorous interpretation of the truth Richard, thank you! Your YT videos are a fantastic support to me, and to many others I'm sure. Good luck on your own journey to finding love. Love thy self, first x

"Studying Toxic Relationships Has Ruined My Love Life....". Same here, after decades of being in these relationships and understanding my role in it I´m finally at peace on my own - for ever - it is the only solution. Cause like Dr. Strange i saw 14,000,605 possible relationship futures out of which NOT ONE was a favorable one :)

You're such an interesting weirdo and full of knowledge with great humility and compassion ! You keep it real and your content helps me a lot, I love you Richard. Keep it weird

Upādāna is a Sanskrit and Pali word that means "fuel, material cause, substrate that is the source and means for keeping an active process energized". It is also an important Buddhist concept referring to "attachment, clinging, grasping". It is considered to be the result of taṇhā (craving), and is part of the dukkha (dissatisfaction, suffering, pain) doctrine in Buddhism.

Great discussion, Richard! Very insightful and grounding! Thank you!

Richard. I see you. I have so much compassion for where you are today and how your unwavering commitment to educating others also has a cost to your person. How this topic may have blurred the line between who you are for the world and being the human being. As a therapist and survivor of NA, my passion/obsession with educating others on relationships, leaves me feeling as if none of what I speak includes me. How this work can be so intense and undying we must honor ourselves distinctly, as our passion inadvertently can bypass our own being. Being the stand that I am for others and not loosing sight of little Isabell. It is something I am aware of ad must work on, not forgetting me. The closest I can get to making sense of it is to tell myself, although my mess became my message, I am a human too and let others see me, hold space for me, be witness to my pain, needs and who I am. Thank you for all you are for people and being on this journey. I see you. I am witness to you separate from what you do. Sending much healing and love.

Thank you for confirming the idea that Love-bombing happens in all relationships, and the bigger problem is idealising and fantasy (individual and shared) that comes into relationships that is the real problem. I’ve been wondering about this. This is revalationary and ought to transform how we enter into relationships.

Thoroughly enjoyed this one RG. Bang on!!!!

Great point about not isolating. I've done this in and out of society thing forever. It's just like muscle memory at this point. And my partner is worse than I ever thought of being. So I have to force myself to go to therapy, to call or Facebook or text people. I hate being that way, so I really have to fight it. Work is the only social thing I will not miss no matter what.

This was brilliant. It explains a lot. I've loved every one of your videos for all these years. I love where you've come to. I have felt the fear of living in that fantasy. Maybe that's why I'm creeped out about being in a casino or a bar with drunks.

After this marriage is done I won’t be looking for another relationship, can’t be bothered with the hassle of it all , too old and just want peace to do what I like xxx

I have just watched this a second time and this is the same place I have come to....the more I have studied about my own and others actions I see the bonds of karma and how it plays out....family, friends, intimate relationships, business partnerships...fantasy builds it all. The insights make me question what is left? Simple living and practising loving kindness...thanks Richard very confirming.

I totally get what you are saying Richard..I have done this and my romantic partners have too...and it always bites us in the ass when reality hits the fan..I have been single for 15 years after my last failed marriage to a narcissist which I take responsibility for the part I played..

Fantasy, thank you, this is “aha moment for me, really appreciate it

From one Psychologist, fellow philosopher, nerd and one time DnD player - to another - the tool I added to my medicine bag of life that created sexual healing and a paradigm shift was Tantric Yoga. To me it was very similar to natural horsemanship - all about energy and there you take it. Sexual energy is a high creativity vibration - The Tao for bonking, akin to the life force you tap into with martial arts. I see it as discovering your inner fire and being able to be playful - the tease - push and pull in a conscious way. THATS WHAT MAKES A PERSON DANGEROUS OR SAFE - if you can sense they are aware and responsible for their tantric ( fire ) energies you really want to be around them. People who are messy with their 'fire' are the hookups of hurt. To me, choosing a life partner is not the same at all. This is about joining with someone you want to go on a journey with that holds your spirit as sacred. My soul tribe person and life partner is my business partner ( not a romantic love partner ) because she and I grow together and have each others back and we are compelled to hang out and do creative stuff together. No sex involved. I see amongst others their soul person/tribe/ band/ team and their sex partner might not be the same.

The only thing you should expect from people in a relationship is first and foremost honesty,if this is missing,Run!,it’s the tip of the iceberg.second,empathy,with out that ,You have no security.out side of that ,you can work on the weakness of both of you,as long as you like your partner.

Hi Richard, thank you for this perspective you brought up. Maybe I can share something that helps a little bit here. I recently ended (yet another) love relatioship in which the main problem all along was that we both got too blinded by too-far-from-reality fantasies about each other, resulting in a big mess. No actual ill-intentioned toxicity this time, just utter chaos between two dreamy people, still recovering from codependency. So yes, fantasy is a ghost that follows me everywhere I go, all the time, now I'm aware of it. And I'm really trying to reach some kind of balance with it in my life, because I've learned to fear it, but I've also realised I need it in order to engage with life in a more or less passionate or cheerful way... So, the closest I've gotten to this balance between realism and fantasy (yet) is in a friendship with another quite self-aware woman. She's also very aware of her tendency to idealise "the other", and so we can talk openly about these things and we keep on bursting each other's fantasy bubbles, but in a loving way. So I guess the solution to this paradox in love relationships may be in finding a "fantasy partner" who also knows the dangers of losing a hold on reality and works hard on that, every day, even with discipline. Like an stoic poet of sorts. I've found Zen meditation to be so very helpful on this. PS (whispering so nobody hears me): I absolutelly love the fantasy of you. 😌 (little smooth move here).

Not going to lie, you lost me after “Mildred” thanks for a running side ache 🤪 😂😂😂

Thank you so much for puttin this information out there is really helpfull!

On Love Let us go back what the ancient Greeks philosopher Plato has to say; He broke it down into three stages first called Eros or Passionate erotic love most common in adolescent stage second is called Filia or Friendship love most common in adulthood of middle age thirdly is called Agape most common in Old age stages of relationship is Charitable love! K

Richard, I like your humor. Very nice.

Thank you so much for this, immensely helpful at this moment, I embrace peace, and drop my victim fantasy.

The pathology is not on the idealization. It is on the de-idealization. Normal people de-idealize by transitioning from Eros to agape. You're not an ideal, but I love you nonetheless. Pathology in relationships comes from not being able to perform that jump. You ought to be my ideal or you're evil, a hindrance just something I can use for now.

I have listened to you since the beginning. I have learned so much about myself. I had to understand what makes them do what they do. That is freedom. It’s sad often. I’m single !!! I do believe we are across the world from one another ❣️ Thank you!

Wow, ive never, not once in my life fantasized about anything. Ive only been focused on who i was with.

Way to be vulnerable! Thank you for your insight❤

Great video :). Nice to watch something interesting/informative before starting the work day. I actually had a good question 😅 for once, I usually forget. Cheers Yvette

😂 omgaaaaad you’re hilarious. Brilliant and thank you, intriguing information to help set the bar

Oooh grrrl, this track slaps hard. Love the direction you're taking your music lately ❤😉

Richard, you and Russell Brand would be awesome to watch interviewing each other on either his show or your channel. Both of you would provide awesome perspectives on the shadow, addiction, the shared fantasy etc.

Interesting about fetishing. I’m originally from the UK but live in Australia. Here they have the kurdaitcha man or feather foot. He wears shoes made from feathers, hair and blood. They are said to be so powerful that the uninitiated are not permitted to see them. In Indigenous cultures, they believe that all death or injury is caused by a curse. When this happens, the feather foot is called upon to find the perpetrator and when he does he ‘points the bone’. Pointing the bone can cause a person to either become very sick or drop dead on the spot. My anthropology professor lived with indigenous cultures and had amazing stories like this seen first hand. I think relationships are yin and Yang. Cycles of infatuation and resentment. Coming together and pulling apart. This replicates the engulfment and separation individuation phases in infancy (the phases that are arrested in cluster B sufferers). We need to be drawn together, but not enmeshed. We need to pull apart but not so far that we separate entirely from the relationship. We come together and pull apart. In fact sex is a heightened physical expression of coming together, pulling apart so vigorously that the result is orgasm. To mature in relationships I think you have to reach beyond fantasy or infatuation and find unconditional love. Again, this is embracing yin and Yang. Unconditional love transcends opposites because it says yes to both sides. Infatuation and fantasy are confused with love or accepted as a poor substitute. When you love unconditionally, you are able to be with someone who can on the one hand support your values and on the other hand challenge them. This is what creates optimum growth on the border of support and challenge. When someone supports our values we become infatuated. When we love unconditionally we are able to see the benefit of being both supported and challenged. If we are wounded in some way (cluster B or CPTSD) we will seek more support than challenge because we perceived it as lacking in our development. Great video. My best to Mildred 😉

Your grasp of the human condition and the beautiful yarns you weave of all of our strongest passions and woes might be the reason you keep needing to wake these ladies up. Killing them softly, as it were. Just stop being so good, Mr. Grannon It's very simple. I'm sorry if that sounded sarcastic. I thought the way you worded this was so beautiful and so true, I didn't know how to respond without that observation. All the darkness and negative emotions are seductive. And it is beyond boundary breaking and gross that that tension were the building blocks for "love" at such a young age. We all have this deformity that we mistakenly see as beautiful. The way we were shown what love is, as you always say-- twisted and tortured or it's not worth having. The only thing that can bring you out of it is near ruin or age so advanced what's the use of the fantasy anyway. At least when you are with one person for years you can reinvent over and over. I'm thankful that I'm so codependent and needy and clingy bc I know what kind of intolerable "free spirit" I would have been.

I wish Richard would stop questioning the value and help he offers via his videos, narcissism is everywhere and he generates tremendous healing, I have sent your links to others ending relationships with narcissists...narcissists just disappear, they are not capable of councelling or self reflection...

I agree totally with your analytical parsing of what is required to have a relationship with another human being because mine was all about the fantasy of how and why I stayed in that relationship for so long. I even went so far as to say in the end that it was all just a dream 😳 once I realized that I shut off all communication including to any of his family and shut that shit off it's been about 7yrs now and peace is all I care about, I have been single and happily divorced since.

Your videos are so funny Richard. Funny, interesting, expert, smart. It makes listening and learning about a painful difficult subject entertaining👌😀 thank you for your endeavours 🙏🙏🙏

OMG Slavoj Žižek impersonation 🤣

Thank you so much for all your work and advices - very helpful

On relationship its like you scoop a handful of sand, hold it tight and you’ll lose it, hold it loosely and you’ll going to lost it, but hold it just right and you’ll going to keep it! A Chinese proverb

Mr. Grannon, I am 8 yrs into studying myself and my relationships. I tend to give more than receive. I really really connected with this pod. Have watched you yrs. Thankyou

It's kind of funny , Richard. I've heard you dubbed the bad boy of psychology just because you had mentioned NLP early on. Also, you've got that sexy svengali magician look going on. Lol.

All things arise from thoughts and fantasy. The entire system of therapeutics that you created arose from the fantasy of it, helping to change how people did therapy. It was once all a fantasy. Now it is reality but along the way, you had checks and balances of what was working and what wasn’t. That happens in relationships too. Also Sex is a wonderful aspect of being human so is a healthy attachment. We once were pair bonded in order to survive… we are quickly moving there because in inflation in the US. Shared resources, child rearing and shared experiences are worth it. I am not even a mom or a wife and I understand this. It sounds like you are working through disgust, that is pretty fucking normal after abuse. Good luck Richard! 😊

I’ve been questioning this myself. It’s like, now we are looking for all the red flags and end up cancelling the relationship-toxic or not-BEFORE it even has a chance to get started. I really hope I’m not seeing patterns/red flags that aren’t really there. In the end, what can you trust besides your gut, experience and the experts?

Richard, you are living your best life, Mildred was 5 minutes, although it seems like a psychological eternity... I have a few Mildreds of my own I'm working through...time is all one has...I do dislike giving up this precious commodity having to think about and work through the trauma bond I had with the bloody narcissist...

Lots to take from this but especially thanks for the Face/Off reminder 😂

OK. Here is my ultimate fantasy...my sexual partner values, respects, and cherishes me! HA HA HA! Only in my dreams!

I respect your honesty truthfulness and your humor .🌹gracias I don’t like Mildred sound like an old lady 👵 Evil 😈 woman she sounds like my ex!! I still believe in making love ❤️ with the person you love and respect and are in a serious relationship, I am old school .

I get it. We all have both narcissistic and codependent tendencies, it's human nature. But we all have it to different degrees. Anyway, don't blame yourself for recognizing the cultural shift in the dating world that leans onto selfishness. Once you understand the narcissistic and codependent tendencies in yourself, then grow and heal, it's easy to be turned off by the actions of those who refuse to acknowledge their shadow side. Not a hole lot of people can meet you at both and intellectual and emotional level. You out grew societal norms, and that's a good thing. Also, you made it your life's purpose to share your knowledge and that's a good thing. I have a friend who says the more you awaken the less you engage in baseline entertainment, that can be applied to dating a d sex too.

Thank you for sharing. You dodnt deserve any of that and I wish only great things for you 💫

Just, bloody sublime x

Lol 😅 i love how you explain everything so a burnout like me to understand 😂

I’ve been single since my splitting from my narc for 8 years ago! I’m too scared! I’d rather be single and lonely !

Omg YESS YESS THIS IS THE QUESTION IV BEEN TRYING TO ASK YOU THAT I WAS SO CONFUSED ABOUT

Fantasy & No sustainability, is just DRAMA period LOL...

Richard, Yelawolf is entertaining music I’m loving it atm

Dear Richard, I miss you n Sam together. You made him easy to understand, the two of you were very good together, you Complemented each other.........it's my hope he works harder to keep you as a Friend this next time, after Y'all make up..........please make up........I miss y'all!!!!♡♡♡

that look you gave the camera at 1.26.15. is priceless! lol

Brother, your voice is incredible soothing. I go to sleep to it. Be blessed.

Omg ur cracking me up with some of this. I can totally relate.

Love is patient Love is Kind Love endures all things! St Paul the Apostle of the Gentiles

Karađžič might be who you were thinking of possibly. Thanks for the chat!

Hahaha the aliens having sex… classic 😂 I could listen to you laugh at your own imaginings for years… the best part, is I see my own ways of meandering around my expansive realms to make sense of much as it plays out too 😅👏😍

🤣🤣🤣 I stroke my kids faces 😂 I run my hand down their face while saying "face erase". It's funny. It takes a lot of confidence to talk about sex, orgasm, etc on a live video. Well done Richard. 👏 Just started watching.. very interesting so far.

It’s the wheezing laughing for me 😂

when you say "but" you negate your previous statement instead, experiment with using the word yet instead of using the word, but it actually makes a difference

Recently had a conversion experience which made me realize all my failed romantic relationships were misplaced devotional energy. The only 'person' worthy of the passion and idealization that I was heaping onto my mates, is the Supreme Personality of Godhead. Everyone else will fall off the pedestal. Every mortal man will disappointment me if I continue to fantasize in this unhealthy way. Truly Sri Guru is the only fit vessel to take this intense attachment and make it fit to offer to the Lord. I'm becoming a yoga nun. 🤷‍♀️😂 The Vedas are indeed incredibly powerful texts which unlock all the hidden truths of reality if we are blessed enough to hear them from the lips of a pure devotee of the Lord. 🙏❣️ Haribol!

A little bit of food for thought. Every way you interpret the world around you is filtered through individual perception. You could argue that all our individual experiences are mere fantasy of sort. When a large portion of a human group create a "shared fantasy", they call it a "reality". The choice should then be made on the outcomes of adopting a certain perception or "shared fantasy". Immanuel Kant is a very interesting philosopher to study on the matter of mind and perception. "Kant goes so far as to claim that the activity of imagination is a necessary part of what makes perception, in his technical sense of a string of connected, conscious sensory experiences." PS. Your videos are informative and entertaining.

lolz dont feel bad Richard all this crap is NORMAL, and the reason I refuse to date or be in a relationship at all these days. I think humanity will soon come to the conclusion that we live better fuller lives single.

Warning: Do not watch while taking a drink~his giggle is contagious and you may have your drink come out your nose~😳🤣

Richard, astrologically speaking (I know you hate this, just bear with me for a sec) people with planets in Pisces are quite often a target for gigantic projections and unfounded fantasies.

Online narcissists ending up in an "Echo chamber"... oooooooh! That's Ovid, that is!

More of this please richard 🙏