ASMR meme Segment by Sasha the Archdemon kzfaq.info twitch.tv/justSasha

I liked the way Cain puts it: "Trigger happy Commissars who execute men for minor infractions tend to 'die heroically in battle' a **suspicious** distance away from enemy forces."

"You gotta carry 4 sandbags? Man, that's heavy" My dudes. My militarily innocent providers of content. You carry the bags folded and empty in your rucksack, and you fill them with the dirt you pick up while digging the trench.

Bricky: "Man that sounds like a ton of gear. 'Take care of your feet' that's weird." Literally anyone with real world military experience: BRUH

The best part about the Mommisar cut is that the chat was actually really caught off guard by it, so the stream chat had some people legitimately panicking for a moment or two.

There’s a scene in Attack on Titan where abunch of new recruits are eating together and they’re excited to actually be on the field, ready to fight some big monsters and become a hero and than they meet the veteran characters who are still alive and they’re all dead inside, looking at these newbies going “they ain’t seen shit”. That’s what I imagine a new Guardsman ready to fight after reading this book expecting to become a hero for the emperor in front of actual war vets who seen the actual size of orks.

I heard that the existence of Necrons is actually purposely omitted from the primer and censored because their existence is a threat to morale because, surprise surprise, undead teleporting xenos robots who's basic troop can atomize a space marine isn't exactly fun to fight.

You know you’ve spent too much time on the internet when you expected to hear “Ara ara” from the female Commissar.

Guardsman: *breathes* Commissar: *arrests and tortures guardsman* Guardsman: *turns to chaos, and most likely into a daemon because of the torture* Commissar: *surprised pikachu face*

Finally, the guard and black templars can get along. They both view a book as worthless (although for different reasons)

Tonite on Ridiculous gear: Bricky charges Old One Eye with a spoon tied to an a las-pistol. DK turns into a servo-skull to stare at sisters feet and Shy becomes a tank commander to lock out the sounds of Warframe fans by locking herself inside a baneblade.

A sentry found sleeping at his post (in an active war zone) is still punishable by death according to article 113 of the US Uniform Code of Military Justice. It's at the very least worth a dishonorable discharge and like a decade in a military prison. It's taken that seriously because it compromises the security of your entire unit, not just you. Luckily, the US military at least doesn't make people into servitors lol.

I wasn't prepared for Shy pulling such a power move on Bricky by leaving him going to blow his nose in. Then she just smiles, menacingly. This can only be a positive development.

_"...Permission to speak Commisar?"_ _"Granted Guardsman."_ _"Thank you for not shooting me in the head ma'am... Probably going to die from blood loss regardless, but still..."_

i wonder if shy has any idea what kind of beast she has awoken with that asmr bit, its like khorne and slaanesh had a love child while tzeentch was directing with nurgle holding the camera

"Knowing is half the battle." "The other half is incredible amounts of violence."

I always thought an awesome short WH40k story would be of a peasant living on a rural medieval Imperial world where they don't see anything from the Imperium for generations, gets tithed into the Imperial Guard, put on a space ship, sent through the warp, dropped into a chaos infected planet along with sisters and when all seems lost seeing like Saint Celestine pop up and save the day. People often laugh a the idea of these fictional people worshiping the God Emperor. I dunno, I can easily see it.

With the bit with the panicky gaurdsmen and the necron i can imagine a necron lord seeing this creature just panicking and going “whatcha readin about” and laughing as the guardsman screams lol

IRL sleeping while being on guard duty WAS a death penalty offence during WW1 and WW2, and people were shot for it, and it probably stays this way today. This is because when you are sleeping on guard duty you not only risking your life, you are putting all your unit in danger of stealthy enemy advance.

“Fifteen hours” is a short book about a guardsman’s first encounter and first fifteen on a imperial planet besieged by work, might scratch DK’s itch

Just so you're aware, the Sandbags are empty, hence why you have an Entrenching Tool.

I know the feet section in the book is a bit of joke but that’s actually good military advice. Keeping your feet dry is really important and not doing that will result in your feet rotting off from Gangrene.

Necron synaptic disintegrators are nuts. They literally just delete the nervous system. No wound, the soldier just collapses.

On the take good care of your feet part. In WW2, an Italian writer escaped Auschwitz with the aid of a Greek salesman. In the days following their escape, the writer's shoes broke, and the Greek opened his backpack, which contained several pairs of shoes, handed a new pair to the Italian, and told him a single phrase: A man without shoes might as well be a dead man. And if you think about it, he was absolutely right. They had to walk across half Europe, and while clothes could be fashioned out of plenty of things, and food could be traded, foraged, or stolen, shoes were hard to come by, and if you ever walked barefoot in the nature, you can agree with me that you can't do it for month, especially in winter. This story can be found in the writer's autobiography about this event "if this is a man" by Primo Levi, and i believe it to be a true story, because it frustrated me to no end seeing how useless Levi was during the whole ordeal. The dude would have kicked the bucket several times if not for his fellow prisoners. Like the dude was "standing in the middle of the road like a deer in the headlights while the Nazi that are looking for you are patrolling" kind of useless.

Sleeping on Sentry is a huge no no. Your sleeping can result in the death of everyone. I read up on some Canadian ww1 history and I read a letter where a guy was explaining to his mom how a guy fell asleep on sentry and the punishment was the whole section kicking the shit out of him.

Okay Doge Vandire jokes aside, "take care of your feet" is actually legit good advice to new soldiers. A lot of people underestimate how many foot-related medical issues that you go through as an active duty soldier and, depending on the environment, it's a literal lifesaver because of shit like fucking gangrene and trench foot.

Bit of history, as a Roman legionary falling asleep on guard duty, especially the night watch, was a killing offense, often the judge jury and executioner was your fellow grunts. Because you are being trusted and are the reason they can sleep at night believing they will wake up in the morning, so if you’re were asleep and enemies came by, you just killed your entire camp Falling asleep in the military while on guard duty isn’t taken lightly. Different militaries have different rules but I think given the horrors they face, the commissar isn’t the one that will carry out the justice, probably be your fellow guardsmen you just put at risk. However if the commissar is incompetent and put your on guard duty for 3 days, the commissar will probably go missing

If anyone is wondering why Necrons are never mentioned in any of the Imperial Guard Primers: The Imperium intentionally keeps the existence of Necrons a secret from as much of the population as possible. This is due to Necrons being extremely rare to encounter, as well as the fact that they are _fucking terrifying_ and they don't want to weaken morale.

"flogged"..... meaning strung up, stripped, and given however many lashes with a bullwhip. every lash can and WILL open you up badly (it's not impossible to REMOVE skin and muscle tissue this way), and the ones administering such punishments know exactly how to do it for maximum impact/effect, without you succumbing to shock and passing out or dying.

Rookie Guardsmen meets Necrons for the first time: GM: "wait, the book didn't say anything about these things!" *buddy gets desintegrated* GM: "Oh God-Emperror, the book definitely said nothing about these!" *an overlord appears* GM: "...I'm beginning to think this book was a hoax.." *the Flayed Ones appear* Gm: "oh no..."

Shynis slowly having more and more influence on each episode, the skipping through little guy jokes and the commissar bit, next episode she will cut out all off topic bs

That whole commissar asmr bit was just… I just couldn’t stop thinking “STOP FEEDING TZEENTCH IN MY GENERAL DIRECTION.”

The litany of the lasgun could be pretty terrifying to hear when it's sung by a chorus of millions of guardsmen which is followed by a sea of laser fire

Dear Imperium, If the lasgun is the true weapon of a holy warrior, then why do the space marines use boltors? Curious. TurningPoint Cadia

The sandbags are empty, they don’t weigh that much when empty. If you look at what a US solder gets issued that’s about the same amount of stuff, some of which just gets left in unit storage. The taking care of your feet is super accurate. If you’ve been in a multi day hike and you don’t keep your feet dry you’ll suffer. Charging socks and stuff. On the low end there’s blisters and all that, and on the horrible end you have stuff like trench foot or jungle rot where fungus is rotting your feet off the bone. I could see it being a lot worse in 40k so makes sense.

If it wasn't for the FUCKING ASMR NIGHTMARE shy inflicted us, this episode would've been my favourite of all. Emperor's balls... Only sentence is to release that 20 minutes of little guys

I still have my 1st edition uplifting primer. Also funny story since the writers used the Army basic training manual for the primer. I used the primer for an inspection of my soldiers gear no one even noticed.

I'm now just imagining a Guardsman hiding behind a blown up Leman Russ tank, being bombarded by Necron Destroyers, and yelling "Where the FUCK was this in the Book!!!!!"

The Imperial Infantry Man's Uplifting Toilet Paper. Can't watch the premiere because I'm at work but I already know it's going to be absolutely hilarious.

Commisar Alex Jones: “COWARD! I HATE you! I’m HUMAN, my heart’s BIG! This is what a human looks like! I’m COMIN’!

The platoon that replaced mine back in Afghanistan had a kid that kept falling asleep on post (guard duty basically). They kept punishing him and punishing him and he kept doing it. Finally he had enough punishment and shot himself. A couple of dudes in his squad ended up getting court martialed for it.

You guys should do a special episode on regimental standard one day. It's a official Warhammer newsletter that is made to look like a in universe guardsmen PSA program. It's really funny and takes the propaganda from the uplifting primer amd turns it to eleven. An article can sometimes be covered in asterisks and redacted statements. My favorite for Christmas (sanguinila in 40k) they gave each guardsmen a cut out of Sanguinius to hang from their lasgun, but if you cut outside of the dotted line you would be executed.

„This Episode will be really bad! Watching it is *really* ill advised.“ The imperial infantry mans uplifting primer page 136.

"My buddy got eaten by the hair squig! Don't listen to the book!" I laughed so hard at this part!

That Mommysar bit awakened things within me

The reason for all the daft rules is known in the British Army as "The squaddie" or general infantryman as they can, and do, break *everything*. Whether it is being used for appropriate or inappropriate purposes they *will* break it. I believe in the US military the phenomenon is known as "Private Schmuckatelli", the reason we don't have nice things and many, many apparently random rules. Also on the topic of guardsmen vs orks? The Valhallans and Perlians know *exactly* what they are fighting and how to do it. They *volunteer* for that shit as they kinda don't like 'em much :D

Glad I joined just at the right time to witness Commissar mommy ASMR live.

Catachan Devil is a fantastic guard book that has a good part at the beginning where it details the reactions of new conscripts with minimal training to the primer and then what the veterans tell them. And then their actual combat experience against Orks and Ork Kommando squads or da Sneaky Boyz.

Btw, the sand bags are literally just empty bags you fill with sand when you gotta place them.

Penal battalion = "Death by firing line" with extra steps

The kind of energy I'm feelin' while reading along with them with my infantryman's handbook while they're reading through their own is something else entirely P.s. feels like the guardsman version of a book club this is the only book they can read, this and maintenance books

Hey! That's the book I used to read every night in the army. That book was in good condition in the army's own library which was shocking to me. Other books were in bad condition. It was nice to read and force others to read loudly eg. Prayers. I even once read to our lieutenant a part about punishments and asked for opinions. He said, "Hey. That last one was pretty good. We could use it as a punishment for the tent's stove to go out and fail to maintain it".

Please Please PLEASE animate that last bit with the "Surprised Guardsmen" bit of them just loosing their minds after being mislead by the book

With trillions of planets with human civilizations, there must be a Games Workshop in one of those systems and they make mini figures of the 40k universe and constantly copyright strike other systems?

I swear DK would love to learn about the Angry Marines

37:11 You guys may laugh at this section, but podiatric diseases have _long_ plagued militaries around the world: Trench Foot was an absolute _menace_ throughout World War I; and to highlight how severe similar shit was during the Vietnam War, _Forrest Gump_ has the scene where Forrest and Bubba meet their CO and Lt. Dan straight-up tells them that one of the most important things that they have to remember during their deployment, something that could very well determine whether or not they make it back home alive, is just keeping their socks dry.

You guys would be in awe of the sheer amount of shit we carried in the field (former US army, 101st Airborne). Honestly from what I heard you say and what I read for myself, the stuff the guard carry is not all that crazy tbh. Also the sandbags are common shit to carry actually, they're not full and are rolled up into about the size of a large burrito sized thing with a strap or tape keeping it rolled up. Funny thing is we always emptied the sandbags rather than cut them open, so we could reuse them. As for the stuff about then taking note of what/who is where when taking over watch or a post is really accurate. When you take over a guard shift say in a foxhole or something, there's a range card that shows known or suspected enemy positions or possible cover they could use. You talk to the guy you're relieving of duty and he tells you what the local situation is. Honestly kinda cool how similar this guide is to real life. Also DO DARK ANGELS DAMMIT

I would like to thank Shy for saving us viewers from the abundances of little guys this episode

Head canon, this once only had eldar and orcs, and was written by one of the primarchs for their brothers

29:30 - "Sand is not free, Guardsman! You must percure it on site or do without."

They did print a second edition that also comes with the Imperial Munitorum Manual. It's also no longer available but was released earlier this year.

Depending on how high the "removal" takes place, you can bleed out in under a minute from just one leg being removed, so you're probably not gonna last multiple minutes, and you DAMN sure wouldn't be conscious of it

Funny enough, there is a StarCraft "Field Manual" that has annotations in it by an in universe Marine pointing out propaganda and exaggerations in the book.

I have not even started the episode yet, but I wanted to add a fun fact! Games Workshop legitimately made an Uplifting Primer that they sold. I don't know how much of it they made or if it was limited edition or not, but it was the copy that those who were going to fight the Tau got and it was a complete in universe lore tome. Like this thing told you how to fight things, how to survive, and even they prayers you could pray. Plus all the Bureaucratic and Inquisitorial Paperwork and Censorship was on full display! I won't lie, as the Imperial Guard was my first Warhammer Faction ever, I am so glad that I picked the Primer up at my local store!!!

I still have my old Black Book copy and yes it is still on my book shelf. Also, I was more surprised by Shy’s V-Tuber model than the Commissar, nice work on it.

A official Imperium manual book on how to be guardsmen and intel on Xenos aka emergency toilet paper.

Rule of 3 also covers some other things to, like 3 hours without shelter (death by exposure).

I have the version that has both the imperial infantryman’s up lifting primer and the munitorium manual. One of my favorite Warhammer things.

The "Do not deface on pain of death" square often comes pre-smudged, either with a fingerprint, presumably from some Administratum/Munitorum worker responsible for quality checking, or just plain low quality of the Imperial mass-production printing press.

Playing the little guy segment at 0.25x speed is exactly what I expected

I was a GW retail employee from 2003-08, and I have the black bound version kicking around somewhere I think. I wonder what my copy is worth?

"Machine Spirit forgive my actions, soon you shall be whole again." - Litany of Unloading

The editing here was on point. It really ramps up the energy and fun of the podcast.

I would highly recommend reading the book 15 Hours by Mitchel Scanlon if your interested in seeing what it’s like as a raw recruit thrown into a war zone in the 41st millennium

Something I want to know: Did any veteran guardsman (or guardswoman) ever question why these booklets are still being printed? Not just the guardsmen, the commissars and generals, etc. Do they all secretly agree that the primer sucks ass, but remain quiet about it because the thing is promoted by the propaganda ministry or whatever, and speaking out about it would get them killed? It feels like that's the case, as the "joke" that it's merely toilet paper is so widespread. But wouldn't that eventually reach the propaganda department that would then flip their shit from hearing that?

Its a fairly common thing in the army to take care of your feet. If your feet are messed up, say with Trench Foot, then you can't march, you can't charge, you can't fall back, you are stuck. Taking care of your feet and changing socks frequently is something i've heard from people in every branch of the Armed Forces.

As a person who has a real life version of this book on my shelf I can say that it is pretty cool to have it and be able to skim it.

I wasn't expecting an episode on this. Time to recite the Litany of Diligent Listenership (try saying that three times fast) and learn all the essential knowledge a new guardsman needs.

The Commissioner Asmr Gives me Slaaneshi/ Dark eldar Vibes

Bless you for taking the "just a little guy bit" out shy, bless you

The voice acting on the "comissar finding sleepin guardsman" -skit did something to me, and i ain't the same person that started to listen to this episode. 😴💪🙍‍♀️

The punishment for falling asleep on post (in an active war zone) is still death. Most of the punishments written are just a step above what we do today in the military which helps the uplifting primer read like something actually real. Also like in real life your command (and most importantly the commissariat) have discretion in deciding punishment.

I was lucky enough to snatch one of these up when they reprinted them on a made to order basis (I think?) As a guard player, easily one of my favorite purchases from GW. Love reading from it for narrative games

I was lucky enough to pick up a copy of the Damocles edition at a convention once. There are a couple of photocopied sticker jokes regarding the Tau as well. "... something something highly advanced." and "... something something may be negotiated with."

I hope you know that over the course of a few minutes you have made me understand and appreciate every dig shy has ever given you two, and yes that includes the goblin. Good episode boys xD

I own a copy of this book when they did a rerun of the work and I happened to find it at a Barnes and Noble of all places. Best 20 bucks ever.

I think DK should do an Detective Ridiculous episode on the Lake Bodom murders

the mystery being shy is makin them really cool

5:03- Thank you. Thank you Shy (I’m sorry if that’s not spelt right. I’m going off of someone else’s spelling from awhile ago and no one ever corrected him so….) for cutting out 20 minutes of what should only be a 30 second joke! It’s kinda like a song you loved when it first came out. But after all the stations played it about 40 times a day every day……… Yeah

On the subject of taking care of your feet, it is a major thing in modern militaries. They don’t want soldiers to get foot issues, mainly trench foot which you can get extremely easily. On a 11 mile March we would swap out of socks 2-3 times. You don’t want sweat to build up in your boots, a real possible problem.

I finished Betrayer a few days ago and it was really good. I liked it so much more than First Heretic.

Awesome, this episode came out on my birthday, and your dice arrived the same day too. Life's kinda cool sometimes

I feel like the Valhallan Ice Warriors would raise an eyebrow or two at the section on Orks.

"Knowing is half of the battle". Oh,, I see, DK is doomed. :D

That ASMR joke really caught me off guard and was hilarious.

I got so happy when i saw you talking about this book because its such a cool book and so far my favorite one that i own

Thank you shy for cutting that 20 minute little guy “joke”

On the “blank page” joke, every copy of the primer is printed with a little smudge in that section, so every guardsman who got that edition of the primer should be executed

@25:55 This is the BEST part that had my ass DYING in laughter. Imagine before ya filthy animals "do the nasty" then you have to recite the litany of consent. Any takers on the litany?

during my PCS, this podcast made the drive way easier. Laughed in the car quite a bit. Thanks guys