The fact of the matter is that the conventional roadmap provided by culture isn't going to work for a lot of people. If you want a custom-tailored life, you have to be prepared to build it for yourself. The issue is that the more you deviate from the well-trodden path, the less you will be comprehensible to those around you. This means that the cost of living your own life is the approval of others. I discuss more in this episode. Book a paid consultation: oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations Subscribe to my newsletter: oriontarabanpsyd.com Social Media Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622 LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/ Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com Orion's Theme: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/jdiIdd2Cl66odYU.html Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. Become a Stellar affiliate and earn a 10% commission for every membership purchased by a new student you conduct into the program: stellargre.tapfiliate.com. GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993 Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community: kzfaq.info/love/SduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXwjoin Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world. #psychology #relationship #selfimprovement

Schopenhauer had it right… “A man can be himself only so long as he is alone; and if he does not love solitude, he will not love freedom; for it is only when he is alone that he is really free.”

"The cost of living your own life is the approval of others." Great one.

I spent my years in my late 20s struggling to build my dream life, what amazed me the most was how much criticism and hate i received from doing so. After my booms and busts it's all came together to living my version of success. I thought those who critised me would now be supportive and inspired.... it turned into envy.... people opinions are no longer a factor to me- which is another form of freedom to acquire.

One of the best things you can do in your life is to move outside of your home culture for an extended period. Once you get divorced from your culture you will start to evaluate which parts of that culture are actually important to you and which parts you merely conform to. That will help you understand who you truly are. The more cultures that you can experience the more of a buffet of cultural norms you get to choose from when deciding who you really are. Being a cultural outsider also teaches you not to conform for conformation's sake. You will accept that others' approval is less important than your own self-knowledge and understanding

As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.

Matrix - I’m glad I left the rat race, life script, keeping up with the Jones’s, buying useless knock knacks, latest gadgets, simping, and retiring early with no marriage and kids. “Death smiles at us all, all a man can do is smile back.”

This video resonated with me big time. I have always done my own things and people usually react with either admiration or confusion. As a Black man I get it doulbe because my beliefs, choices, music tastes, and expression are highly divergent of typical Black American culture. It does take a strong personality and a high level of "don't-give-a-fuckatude" to go your own way.

Life hint, kids: It's not all or nothing. A small business as your "side hustle" lets you attempt this independent life with low risk. You can make mistakes, fail, but not go hungry. I started at age 42. If I'd started at 22, I'd likely be a business owner of note now. My business could succeed now if I tried, but my salaried job provides health care and a reliable income. I know my tradeoffs. If ever the math didn't work anymore, my business is ready to go. That freedom to leave and have only a year of suffering instead of a decade is a colossal source of comfort. I choose to work for others, it is not my only choice. I am not my own boss, but if ever my boss becomes unacceptably demanding, I have an exit ready. Start now, take your time.

It's all about being honest with yourself about what you really want. In my twenties, I used to think I wanted all the same things - money, status, women. I'm one of the fortunate few in that I actually got everything I wanted ... and I hated my life. Now in my late thirties, I've realized all I want is peace of mind, freedom, and economic security. That's when I realized I have to cut most people out of my life, because most people just create drama, want to control you and/or waste your money. Loneliness is a small price to pay for that, especially considering it becomes less and less of an issue with practice.

Every strong friend I have shares one important trait. They have suffered with me...and wish to continue to do so.

46yo lifelong, self employed, bachelor here, & former endurance racer / military vet, who is in the process of retiring early & expatriating....my lord, this vid was just my life to a 'T' since I went out on my own 17+ yrs ago....stay strong, stay independent.....

Dont forget: we all depend on people working in jobs they dont like.

Most people just thinks they're unique and different, when they fall dead center on the bell curve.

"every day millions of people work jobs that they hate, so that they can continue to earn enough to afford to live in a city, to work a job they hate." -Dr. Orion Taraban

Boy, this is so true. Envy of others, counting down their years to retirement each time you talk to them, is the greatest frustration.

Courage is persecuted by the cowardice

Finding your own tribe is the hardest thing a person can accomplish.. I am in this process and many members of my tribe are 100's of miles away.

The cost of living your own life is def the approval of others. This is my life and my experience in the last few years. I always do what makes sense to me, don’t automatically do what society expects, am more frugal than most and retired early. Retiring early makes everyone I know very uncomfortable. Not doing what everyone else does makes ppl very uncomfortable. I will say that it has not been easy at all for me socially. Adjusting to criticism / becoming more comfortable being the outsider… haha 🙂

I’m in my late 60’s and I came to the conclusion you speak of many years ago. I gave up seeking approval from others because I always felt I was not on the same wavelength, something wasn’t right. Early on while trying to find myself I did the cultural thing and learned industrial engineering to get employable skills. That overriding perspective worked until it didn’t. Found out I was as disposable as toilet paper. Suing was an appropriate choice. Went back to university to learn something that was of interest (anthropology) and dealt with all the comments of what are you going to do with that. The most rewarding coursework was art history - it centred my core understanding human nature. I’m far richer for the experience.

When I was a young man in my early twenties I was having a mental breakdown. When a thought ran through my head, I’d rather be dead than continue down this path. That was very freeing, then I had another thought, well if I’m going to be dead anyways I may as well just do what I want in life. Long story short, I’m now 61, single and live in a cabin in the woods and couldn’t be happier.

Holy crap Orion. You've put into words what I've been stewing in for years. I'm a non conformist in many ways. And I'm not well off cos I've chosen the opposite of corporatism. But I'm pretty damn content and stable. Compound interest is a thing in mentality and spirituality too. Thanks Doc.

it's tough to live up the way you want in this society. coz loneliness is inevitable when most people dont understand why you choose that route. but it is brave to do that, and i'm trying now.

Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship, I learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago I and my wife divorced because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it

Allow yourself "...to forego the approval of others" could be the GOTO phrase.

That's very true, about being easily misunderstood, when you go for something unconventional. Whenever I tell people I'm retiring early from my federal job to return to being a musician, most people do not react well. Firstly, I can see people are jealous that I've managed to set up for early retirement while most of my friends are still working. But also, they do not understand why I would forego saving up even more money to have an "nicer" retirement and instead pursue what is basically a hobby (I do not expect to make much money in music, but I intend to do it full time).

7:20 "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." The relationships we choose are stronger than the ones we are born into. Ive had to break up with several old friends the past year and become much more discerning about who I spend my time and energy on.

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." Friedrich Nietzsche

From my experience as of right now, You are SPOT ON! I have been at this for 5 years, living my own life, separating myself from traditions and what other people think (Friends/Family etc...). I am very happy but it has been an up hill battle all the way. I am waiting for manifestations to occur which I have been focusing on and directing my energy . SUBSCRIBED! Thanks...

"You haven't deviated enough to make a difference". Powerful statement.Made me think. Your success on the fringe would seemingly depend on your methods and their efficacy---and not necessarily on your degree of deviance. Going rebel might not be satisfying in itself, unless rebellion itself was your goal. Very good subject,caught my eye immediately.

Good talk, but I have to add this: it's not just "loneliness" or "lack of approval" that you have to tolerate, it's also shame. Shame is an immensely powerful control mechanism that enforces social conformity (evolutionarily, that seems to be one of its main functions). Shame is a very powerful and painful emotion, but it is also hidden and subtle, so most people don't recognize it. I'm 62, and I've been trying to live my own life for as long as I can remember. I have learned that if I want to do that, it depends on my capacity to tolerate shame, to deal with it, and to move forward anyhow. I understand it's just a short video, so it couldn't go too deep, but I think it's worth recognizing the role of shame in enforcing conformity.

The truth is unactionable except to the wise. The lips of wisdom are sealed except to the ears of understanding.

Been free since 2017. Worked in traditional careers such as engineering, banking and had live in girlfriends. The moment I left that world life changed for the better. Sad to see so many friends and family members live mediocre lives. They will put on a brave face (sometimes) but cannot hide the emptiness behind their eyes. Still they struggle to understand you can have freedom and live on the fringes of the matrix but you initially have to get uncomfortable. Most are simply not willing to do so.

This happens to me I deviate from my family and friends because that is the type of person I am. Took me years to understand and a lot of loneliness but I learned that comes with the territory. After many years about 25, my brother started talking to me and he understood too. I have lost many friends and family to pursue my goals but I am happy and fulfilled with my life. I teach my kids the same.

Tradition is a collection of successful innovations. Cultural expectation and social norms are good for civilization. We are gonna find out pretty soon the reason those social norms were in place.

I left NYC to join the merchant marines. I never wanted to go into working in an office but it was completely expected of me by everyone in my family. Going to college was the bare minimum required to be accepted in my family. I came to terms that I cannot continue doing this into my 30s and I needed a change. I was too old for the military but wasn't too old for the merchant mariners. Life is VERY different now and I quite literally love my life and the sense of freedom I've always craved.

Thanks!

You just explained what I felt and knew that I looked at life differently from my community . I left my country and live my life to my satisfaction. Now I’m successful my friends and family work and benefit from my decisions. I’m true to myself and true to my own beliefs it’s the best decision ever. You can take me or leave me .

Flying high with the eagles must be lonely and yet rewarding.

I hate that people act envious. I’m genuinely happy for anyone that improves cause they remind me that it’s possible

A couple of years ago I realized that many of the people in my life at that time were never going to understand how I was living my own life and I decided to find and make new friends. So I gathered together a circle of people in my community around our shared passions - building food resilience, permaculture, and building human community together. And that circle has only grown since then. I’ve found so many people who recognize my “weirdness” as really just an insatiable curiosity and passion for creative action. I’ve finally internalized that the things about me that used to make me feel separate from other people are my superpower. The funny thing is I used to get really frustrated with not getting the people in my life to understand me. Now I don’t even care, I just kind of move on from the relationships with people who don’t try to or can’t understand.

The ultimate hurdle to overcome in life is the fear of being alone.

This is my first time commenting though I have been listening for awhile. Doing things my own way and not the way expected by people around me at my age really is a solo path - and has cost understanding from family and friends and a shift that is lonely. Yet I regret none of it and hope the right people and opportunities come my way, staying true to who I am. Hearing this talk today is very helpful.

I like being married. I dont need my whole life to be custom tailored, just a few parts of it. From experience I 100% agree on the giving up social approval bit, my wifes parents think we should buy a bigger house and continue debt slavery rather than live in our current house, work part time and buy shares with the money we dont pay for servicing the debt from a bigger house. I do a lot of things the way my wife wants to do them because I like her and i like being part of a loving family, doing everything "my way" wouldnt be the right balance.

When you live in line with friends and family, you have insurance. When you fail people will show solidarity: "That could have happened to any of us as well." When your own ideas fail, it is the opposite: "That serves you right for ignoring us. That is the penalty for thinking you were better than us." People relish your suffering and work against you to use you as a cautionary tale. On the other hand if you succeed going your own way they will explain it away by saying "You were just lucky!" This advantage of living a conventional life was explained decades ago in an issue of the German version of "Psycholgy Today".

The advice is great if you're very smart and highly stress tolerant. Most people I've seen that try to go their own way just get folded up. Standard path is the standard for more than just our oppressive leaders. Most people don't have any ideas that are worth buying. Half of the population struggles with high school algebra, they're not getting very far. It's more than just social pressure.

this analysis is almost 100% spot on according to my personal experience

I'm incredibly lucky that I have a close group of childhood friends that I've grown with and they're very supportive .

Perfect perfect. Every single word in this video is 👏🏽 (isn't there a better emoji for applause?)

I'm autistic, I am the epitome of loneliness and individuality. Despite its rewards I am still human, and a human has needs.

Moving to a new city next week. I know zero people. It’s by design. This is such a timely message. Will play on repeat the next few days. Thank you for your wisdom.

This is very true. The pressure to conform is strong. And once you start to walk that path it is nearly impossible to break the chains of responsibility and expectation. To those feeling out of step, you are not crazy, and you are not truly obligated to kill your dreams for the benefit of others. Make your decision, explain yourself as well as you can, and move out.

I was widowed in 1998, never remarried and raised four little ones alone. I am now 67. My husband’s job took us to several continents. Our retirement was to travel this magnificent planet. Well, my kids are fighting me, they do not think it is safe for me to travel alone. It was my dream always. I fear something will happen and they will be right M

Man, sometimes I feel like your videos are directly addressed to me! Staggering relevance to my life. Thank you so much for sharing the work you do.

Your video was spot on! Standing out from the crowd isn't always welcomed and can lead to exclusion. However, in the end, you're free and not manipulated like a puppet.

I am a person who chose his own life, and I can tell you that not all my pusuits ‘against’ society norms were succesfull or made me happy. I can even tell you that I understood why society values some behaviours& goals later in life, the hard way. In ones life there is always some level of disatisfaction and suffering. That is where growth comes from. I can see a level of judgement towords people that choose a life in line with society expectation but I know happy & succesfull people who took that path. There are different lessons for different kind of people. No one is absolutely right…we are all work in progress.

So succinct. Thank you for saying all of this, because the conformists all shame us who feel this way.

I got laid off 4 months ago just before beginning a home-build. I then adjusted the plans to be simpler/cheaper where I could build it debt-free, job-free. Submitted the plans last week, hope to have approval to build this summer. This may be the start of working for myself, or maybe I'll get back into a corporate job another 5-10 years, save, then work for myself at that time. I have approval from a small handful. Most don't understand that I might be done working for others after a single full-time corporate job that I stuck to for 1/3 of my life. But that's fine.

Oh yeah. Loyalty to a company is as about as rewarded as loyalty is to a wife. Two of the biggest examples of “what have you done for me lately” if there ever were any at all.

Good lord you’re dropping gems 💎

I hear and understand what the good Doctor is saying. I was born on the outside looking in. I spent a lot of my life trying to be mainstream. It dawned on me eventually that I should play my hand and not be nostalgic for a better set of circumstances. I am the same sort of person who is being described in the video, born to it. The main advantage of being marginalised is that you get to be who you are, Economist, in my case. But it would be neigh impossible for a person born into the mainstream to decide to step out of it.

This is so true. It's tough, living your own life. Not only does it take huge self-belief, the consequences of failure can be severe. I could write a book. I'm not doing so.

Boys wake up. Orion has posted another video.

I agree with most of what he said... My only disagreement is the so called "lonely part".... I FREAKING LOVE MY SOLITUDE... so I personally cannot relate to the "lonely"... alone is Not lonely... some actually thrive in being Alone

Generally we build on what we have because it works. Much like fashion, you want to show you are aware of culture and others, but then do or wear something unique that sparks curiosity and value. If however you are too different, you are probably doing something wrong

I live my own life with my own path. And I am in peace with me. BUT. When I see the middle class families from suburbs walking around shopping malls I see how geniounly happy they are. Really happy.

Seriously appreciate all your insight, it’s immeasurably valuable

This was really good, thank you! Often find it difficult to find content/information on how lives are effected in more fringe/unconventional lines of work, lifestyle, etc - You communicated this succinctly with words that are digestible in a way that I often struggle in doing, but I found this very valuable!

Hey doctor, please make a video on how to cope up with temporary loneliness and how to get out of it. This seems to plague today's generation.

Community of shared suffering - So my experience and that of fellow recruits during basic. 😂 I aware that's not what the point of that statement was but it immediately took me back. Looking back at that time I now laugh. I miss my buddies after all these years.

Me vs. The World At first, it sounds scary and overwhelming, but trust me, it is worth trying. Amazing video 💯💯

I am because of we. Nothing matters less than what other people think-O’Dell

Living your own life is easy. Convincing other people that your way of living is valid is the hard part.

Yup it was process to go against the norm. I will never forget the expression on the chief’s face when I told him I was in the elite squad because I wanted to learn avout shopping centers high rises hotels and amusement park, NOT to become a supervisor or on management track. He couldn’t believe that I wasn’t interested in climbing ladders. Needless to say I got transferred out of that department and never got promoted till my retirement. My work product was water tight and I treated my product seriously. Of course management didn’t care. The last 5 years I quietly quit, doing enough to not get fired. I just wanted to get 25 years to retire.

Thanks I think this is the best video, I moved from my country for work and I experienced the freedom I never had, I understood that the cultural narrow mindedness influence us so much and I am the person who cares a lot what my people think.

To all of you struggling with this, you are all heroes in my book. This journey of going it alone, no matter what others around you say, is one of the hardest journeys. If there is any value in social networks such as this it should be in supporting these types of actions. Godspeed!

Tip from someone who’s doing it for a while - be without a phone as much as you can, absorb sun light as much as you can, and take long work and simply talk to yourself. That would help you get to know yourself a bit better, and in the long run to enjoy yourself company.

This quickly rose to the #1 favorite video on this channel because I've been fighting this conflict for 25 years and I've finally chosen the path of freedom and the price was a nice steady paycheck and approval of coworkers and bosses, which I found out (after I took the step or leap of faith) that those things have no value! The fear disappeared once I made my move.

Dead on. Finding a wife who was willing to live in the frame of my journey and change with me along the way to make it OUR journey, outside the realm of the normies as much as possible, has been a big boost in my confidence in my job as the messenger and facing the slings and arrows come with that job.

This channel always brings me great internal peace

That was great advice. I'm old, but when I was young a lot of "friendship" was just being miserable together and complaining about the same things, or seeking escape together. Stop using excuses to waste your time complaining and seeking escape, and start investing in yourself, and you end up with fewer friends, or even none for a while. I've found a very small number of really good friends (trustworthy, and who want me to succeed) is really the best.

Hi Dr Orion, I once left a comment on Chris Williamson's channel to interview you as you have a very unique and rare but awesome way of explaining things etc. Don't know if he saw it or not but glad to see you there too.

ALL THIS IS KOBE BRYANT ADJACENT. I couldn't understand or fathom the amount of dedication that dude put into the game of basketball - but thats why people could not beat him at that game, and how come he was so confident in that truth. Thanks Doc.

invaluable!

Or, as I say, live life that makes sense to you.

Ryan Terraband

that video is my life. tried starting my own side business 3 times, wrote an iphone game then a novel, then made it into an audio book... I have 'beaver dna' in me. I want to wake up in the morning, chew down a tree and build something. Finally made friends with a guy that is the same... it helped a lot.

You are not weird, everyone else is.

It’s nothing compared to the price of not living your own life

I’m nodding my head a hundred times here. Great video!

What a great name

Doctor finds new things every day to inform us and teach us.

This is why non-approval seeking behavior is admired. It takes courage to step out and walk one's path. Misunderstanding and ridicule are practically promised.

Top notch stuff.

Needed to hear this today

This makes so much sense, when I started doing things ny own way a lot of people starting feeling irriated by me, only few stayed because living your own life creates two groups of people envy for your courage or admiration for your courage and very few will be the latter

This one definitely resonates with me. I was twice promoted within 2 years of each other and was encouraged by everyone around me to go to graduate school to continue an upward trajectory within my company. Most people would probably just continue on that path to more money and status.... But I learned very quickly that I hate bureaucracy and the excessive amount of time after hours I was expected to work due to being a salaried employee. I also have never really cared about having a "title". I decided life was too short to be worried about what others think and that I valued my free time and peace of mind more than anything. In the end, those who are telling you what your life should be like are not the ones who have to live with the day to day reality of those choices, only you. Thank you Dr. Taraban for sharing your continued knowledge and wisdom!

We also don’t want to make the mistake of using our “own life” and an avoidant tactic or excuse for not solving other issues in our life I.e intimacy, attachment, other relationships fears or mal adaptive patterns, etc.

Remember guys, people want you to conform so they can feel less lonely in their own self defeating lifestyles. Misery loves company

I agree and thank-you.