You never realize how stressful life was until you stop walking on eggshells for people

You can't say even the tiniest thing to them as they will BLOW UP. But they are "ALLOWED" to say the most HORRIBLE, UNWARRANTED comments to you just out of the blue and will they see it as nothing. If you protest even the tiniest bit for their awful words (behaviors) - they will make you feel like the most irrational person on earth and go after your jugular.

Just a simple question is perceived as criticism. Crazy shit!

The narcissist criticizes you, and when you call him or her on it, the narcissist becomes angry at you and storms off as if you hurt that person first, as if his/her hurt feelings are more important than yours.

I moved from an abusive home to an abusive marriage, and learned to walk on eggshells or run away from confrontation. It's a hard habit to break. Understanding the red flags is such a sanity-preserving skill. Thank you Dr Ramani.

The narcissist is so good at flipping it on to you and making you feel as though you did wrong. Even when you know you didn’t, you’ll still find yourself with self doubt. It’s best to get away from a narcissist and stay away as soon as you recognise the signs.

They like to criticize but fly off the handle when people do it to them.

They can criticise you, but don't you DARE criticise them!!

I have no tolerance for being snapped at. I’ve learned to spot this early on in any of my personal, professional, or romantic relationships. Life is stressful and I expect people to lose their cool occasionally, but I don’t expect to consistently be someone’s punching bag.

I was in court with my ex covert narc yesterday. It was ridiculous seeing him respond to the judge when her honor pointed out and redirected him to focus and answer the issue, rather than start on a subject that made me look bad, or suggest the court was against him. He started crying at one point trying to demonstrate heart ache - I’ve seen him cry before, and it used to sway me, until over and over I realize the crying is always about getting something to go his way. After the dramatic crying, he proceeded to make suggestions that made me seem like I was unreasonable and lying. I’m grateful for the judge as she truly served justice with all fairness.

It's so difficult living in this world. Everybody has been burned before, everyone knows the pain. I Breath a breath of peace when I walk through my front door into the sanctuary and safety of my home.

My narcissist ex husband had an affair with my “ good friend” who was also my two sons high school counselor. Whose fault was it? Mine and hers. I was “ untrusting and sneaky ( for finding out by going through his phone to find out) I was a bad wife. SHE chased him. SHE made the first sexual advance. He actually called her , in front of me, and said “ You ruined my life. Don’t ever call me again.” When our sons were forced to leave their school because of the gossip from the affair, he blamed me. If I had not told anyone what he had done, then their would not have been any gossip . I was a bad mom, only thinking of myself. Thank God I got myself out of the craziness.

I had such a chuckle with this one (sometimes one of my coping mechanisms).. making a suggestion to a narcissist, they instantly fly off the handle, yet they are so eager to tell you how to live, think and react.

This happened on a date when I asked the guy if he knew how to get to a place we were going, as he was from out of town and I didn’t know if he knew how to get there. But he angrily snapped at me ‘I know how to get there better than you’. I was confused and felt weird, I didn’t mean it in a bad way. Thankfully there were other red flags too that helped me eliminate him from my life.

Narcissist: How do we get there? Person Being Taken For A Ride: Turn left here, then right there. Narcissist: STOP TELLING ME HOW TO DRIVE!!!!!

I saw the title and laughed. They absolutely flip out about everything. Constant rage waiting to explode. "Vindictive reactivity" indeed, that's the best description I've seen. Once asked my mother if she wanted to go clothes shopping. Well. "Are you saying there's something wrong with my clothes?" In their world everything is a criticism.

The turn-on-a-dime anger is something I've noticed in Narcissist behaviors and now know people who behave that way must be avoided at all costs.

I've found that when explaining another side or providing a context, when a narcissistic person gives criticism, that they can take it as them being disagreed with and respond as if an argument is starting, when that isn't actually the case.

growing up with this, you internalize the idea that you are the problem, and think that egg shell walking & taking responsibility for everyone's feelings is normal. whew, my husband & I both did this, and so kept doing it to each other too, and didn't begin healing from these burdens til later in life.

Intellectually they can be very intelligent...Emotionally?? Like a defensive, argumentative, temper tantrum throwing, teenager. Spot on Dr. Many thanks!🙏👊🤘

They are trying to train you to not tell them what you think but to shut up and obey.

My ex narc would say "YOU'RE PICKING A FIGHT" when her fragile ego was bruised..... gosh, it was so exhausting and impossible.... of course, everything ended up being my fault anyway! Thank you Dr. Ramani!

If I'm honest I don't like receiving criticism.🤔 It depends who's giving it and what their real motive is. If the criticism is given in a loving, respectful way and is valid. Then ok I accept it. However, as we know Narcissists like to criticise and in this case it can be abusive. Many thanks for your videos Dr Ramani. They are a great support.😊

Would you ever write an autobiography? You are one of my heroes Doctor Ramani and I’m fascinated by the life lessons/wisdom you have acquired 📚 These videos just show us you’ve been through a lot and are a Surviver/Thriver/Overcomer

Mine always use to yell “WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON!” Especially when he said bad things about people and I criticized him for it. He would also twist my words into criticism when they weren’t at all. Thank you Doctor Ramani ❤️

Oh, I get "F those people, they need to watch out, they are in the way and blah blah blah!" Park closer? "I'll park where I want!...you don't even have a car, who are you to tell me where to park!"

The instant you question what just happened, is a classic move that should prompt us to keep this person out of our lives. Flags are there for a purpose, not to be glazed over. Great content, as always!! TY

I am now so sensitised to the possibility of someone I meet being a narcissist that I try my best not to phrase my sentences to them just in case, so as to avoid them being misinterpreted as some form of criticism. But you are right. It is pretty darn hard to say things that can’t be misinterpreted by someone, even if that person isn’t a narcissist.

This is one of the first red flags that maybe over looked if you are a young person, just because there are not enough life experiences. Truth is, if you stay in that relationship, it will only get more frequent and worse...which morphs into controlling the Teflon shield of accepting any responsibility for their actions, or even constructive criticism (feed back, or advice/suggestion). Remember, the narcissist is in control.

They have "god-given" right to criticize and mock everything you do...it's just a joke, don't you have a sense of humor...but God forbid you suggest something to them, the response is "YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!" or if you try to joke with them in their way, they call you hateful bully and tell you to go to hell

Brilliant. True. Especially when they are driving, tailgating, and ignoring the blind spot warnings in the side view.Thank you.

My ex’s reaction when I asked him to back off from following another driver too close (which happened often) was to get angry and to not tell him how to drive. He knew what he was doing. He didn’t care how it made me nervous and uptight.

Bullies are soft and weak! We are the strong ones!... 💯

I clicked on this video so QUICK chilee

An addendum: my ex-husband never snapped or barked, but he just withdrew and withdrew and withdrew until (I realized after 18 years of marriage) that I was in this marriage all by myself. He just removed himself from my/our life/lives first emotionally then, later, physically. Whenever I felt particularly alone and I'd try to talk to him about feeling he wasn't "present", he'd just convince me that I was emotionally needy. And he could never take any sort of criticism, even the most innocuous.

Spot on! That's how I caught my narc roommate. It's even funier because they often complain that people never tell them when there is a problem, or that people just want to bitch in their back and can't say anything to their face... we do, you're just too busy finding a way out

You dare criticism them.You do that,you are the target of their rage and aggression.They will ruin your peace of mind(which is so rare in these relationships),their abuse,violent talks will tear you apart.

My mom just tried to start something with me and I am so glad I was prepared due largely to this channel. She is in town and we have visited 3 times, once alone and the other times in groups. She is viewing my lack of constant validation as criticism. She was acting like a wounded animal at a gathering so I asked her what was wrong and finally she told me how much I was hurting her. I would have been totally blindsided had it not been for your videos. I empathized with her and asked her to elaborate. She could not come up with a single hurtful thing I actually said. She said she had a long "laundry list" of hurts that she didn't want to go over because she didn't want to hurt me (?) And I said, "it could help me understand where you're coming from," and when pressed....not a single thing came to mind for her. She has excellent audio recall and can remember things verbatim. I did not defend myself and I think that surprised her. If I had defended myself she would have had ammo to throw back at me. Finally, I told her, "I hear you. I will be more careful with you from now on," I didn't apologize as I would have normally. 10 years ago I would have attempted an open discussion and later became defensive and ended it with a tearful apology which would have been barely forgiven and used against me. This time I kept the ball in her court and when she deflated, I acknowledged her accusations in a neutral way and gave her what I could reasonably offer her. That I would be more careful with her. Which I have had to become more and more increasingly as she will not tolerate a single word of feedback unless it is 100% positive. Glowing admiration only. Nothing else is permissible.

So basically whatever you say to narcissist he/she turns it against you somehow and force you into permanent guilt where you feel you have to defend yourself for everything. No possibility of normal healthy communication based on two-way criticism and feedbacks. Loved the conclusion of the video: Notice red flags early and get out before narcissist´s bs sucks you in - so true!

I don't remember at the beginning if he reacted so aggressively as he does now. But now, it's every word I say, he blows and says "shut up, I know more than you!"

My mother is still alive, and in March 2021 I chose "no contact." All her life, starting in her childhood years, she told me, "nobody corrects me." Her mother, my grandmother, had kindly reminded me out of all her children, she's the most concerned about my mother. It's the saddest twist to my biography. I can't imagine what happened to me.

This is so true. Yes, we feel really bad and guilty after. The guilt contributed to my decision of getting into a relationship knowing it did not feel completely right. At the beginning, I addressed the fact of triangulation and that I felt like he wanted me to feel jealous purposely. I told him in a kind way, even asked for feedback to my family and best friend just in case I was wrong. His reaction was to panic thinking I was going to discard him, when I only needed to address the issue and talk about it. The pattern continue throughout the relationship, and it got a lot worse to the point of terrifying rage💔. Red flags are crucial. Thank you for this, I cannot thank you enough❤

I once complimented a narcissist on his shirt. He thought I was making fun of him, saying, "I really don't care what you think of my clothes!". Also, I never made fun of him before, so he had no reason to think that I was.

I would say something about parking…he would chide me with “you wanna to drive?” Once, I called him about parking lot style traffic on a road he was about to take after me. The Narc, “I know how to use GPS” That one hurt my feeling so bad because it came after all this discovery of infidelity and me still in the fog of confusing hope. I am NO LONGER there. One defensive comment he is known for by me only of course, is “I know that (my name)!.” I would say to him, I’m not even thinking you don’t know it. I got so tired defending myself and then getting the silent treatment and then, and then, and then. I seriously need to recovery from his psychological abuse.

True because feedback (even if delivered in a positive way) hits them at their inner insecurities and feelings of shame; which are their blind spots. So they react intensely, but more so after they feel comfortable that they can get away with those negative reactions (being hostile, attacking, etc)

They also become enraged when you don't thank them for THEIR criticism. It's KRAZY!🤪

Or the narcissist might make a criticism toward us and then hold onto it forever. "I remember in kindergarten, you drew a family pet in crayon and spelled it "Citty Kat". Should anyone with spelling that bad possibly try for a doctorate degree?"

Thankyou again Dr Ramani for valuable, practical actionable advice. While I agree with what you said, some narcissists will simply stonewall any feedback and just stare at you rather than react in a clearly negative fashion. My brother was one such person (actually he still is, it's just I don't regard him as my brother any more). So maybe a not-so-red flag (pink flag?) is that when you give feedback or criticism it doesn't even get acknowledged - because in their own minds the narcissists are perfect and beyond reproach, right?

I hate that every one of these videos reminds me of specific people and situations in my life. I am such a magnet for these people. Do I have scapegoat tattooed on my forehead??

My relationship with my mother works as long as I don't criticize her or want her to reflect on her behaviour. I went no contact with her for about seven months and then had to make contact with her again (because I literally got ill from loneliness and have no such thing like a "chosen family" that could take care of me at the moment - I am nevertheless thankful that she would still come pick me up in the middle of the night because my health condition got worse and I am too scared of being on my own like this). I am planning to go no (or low) contact with her again as soon as I feel better, and I am already foreseeing how she will ask me why, because we had a good time together, when we mainly had a good time together because I learnt when to better stay silent.

I hear what you’re saying, but this is such a slippery slope because I have had my fair share of controlling critics in my workplace. And let’s face it; we don’t like each other much anymore and it comes seeping out of the cracks in our personalities. The way older, single working class females were discarded and plunged into poverty with out regard so that the more financially stable could feel safe, really brought that home. Quite frankly, I’m not in the mood to listen to anyone’s criticism these days.

Try playing a card game with them, spades, poker, hearts; it doesn't matter. In fact, if you're not sure if they're a narcissist or not, you must do this once. You will never wonder again.

Ex was passive aggressive so he would be silent in the face of feedback. There would be pay back however

Truth! Narcissists can dole out all sorts of criticisms and judgements to people, but they can’t take any their way. They think they are polly perfect, always right and know everything. Their crap doesn’t stink, they can’t make a mistake and are so good. They get angry, mad and rageful to you if you make any comments. Everyone else around them is the problem and is defective. It’s so sad how these monsters are, my parents are precisely this way unfortunately.

I grew up playing board games as a family. Soon after I was married it came to a screeching halt, my x-husband (as of 1 week today!!) would tell everyone how competitive I was and blame me when he was losing. I am the least competitive person on the planet and couldn't give a rip whether I win or lose. Typical projection - they all do it a NEVER change. Sadly it took me 21 years to dump him and I've never been happier and freer. Like I said, it's been 1 week today that it's been official and I'm on cloud 9. Run away and never look back and never regret. XO

Yes the first passive aggressive attack on me was on our 4th date! Looking back now it seemed to go on a cycle. About once a week I would get attacked. The gult and shame she put on me broke my heart every time. Talk about becoming a submissive slave and Walking on eggshells.

I love how in less than 7 min, you can break down one of the biggest and earliest red flags….For the “difficult” people that were in my life, reactions to criticism was almost an unconscious, primal, knee jerk reaction. Too strong of a reaction, always making me feel bad and feeling stupid for saying what I did or making a mental note to never say anything similar again (gotta love all that egg shell walking). My rule of thumb now is: if it isn’t a normal person reaction, I walk away or distance myself. It keeps me safe. And I have you, Dr. Ramani to thank for being one of the “normal” voices to listen to 😉 Thank you for doing what you do. Please don’t ever stop.

No matter how it’s presented or sugar-coated, feedback is ALWAYS taken as a personal attack. Picking up,on red flags early in a narcissistic relationship is tough because you’re likely also in the love bombing stage.

They are ticking time bombs who clutch their own detonator firmly in hand.

Yes, my son and husband are always angry. It's scares me sometimes.

early red flag that I ignored but made me raise my eyebrow: He was driving me home for the first time, and all I said was you make a turn here, narcissist's response? look I know how to drive!

What you are saying here is so dead on to what I experienced with the guy in my PhD study group. I told one of my professors about some of the underhanded things I witnessed & experienced. I’m done with that situation. If I can avoid that guy, which I think I can, I’ll never deal with him again. I have a sense though that he may have shown some of these red flags to some of our professors. Just some things I noticed in various interactions.

I had a former friend who always just "blurts things out" because he is a "truthteller" with all of his criticism and insults but whenever someone says anything about him his "throat closes up" and he goes radio silent. It is soooo pathetic.

This video reminds me so much of the run ins I had with my family even before my Mother died. In Ireland we have an examination at the end of high school called The Leaving Cert. I remember my younger sister getting her results and me jokingly saying that I did better than her on 1 subject. Before I knew what hit me my sister was shouting and screaming at me as if I had slapped her in the face. Now looking back I can see why I had so many mental health problems living at 'home'. U literally cannot say anything to these folks without it exploding into some sort of inane argument...

Almost everything is viewed as a personal criticism. Need time out? you'll be criticized as being controlling. Don't do something for them? You'll be criticized as being selfish. For years I felt guilty for my apparent controlling behaviour and selfishness. So I tried harder, believing I would have better relationships if I just stopped being so controlling and selfish. If I did more for others. If I behaved selflessly and made others a priority over myself. Little did I know that I was being subjected to N abuse. Thank you Dr R - and you look so healthy as always xx

Id like to know more about the damage a narcissist does when they find therapists they can manipulate and then force their victims to get therapy from and how to heal from that. How common is this? How do you wrap your head around people who get manipulated this way?

Omg..this took me back to the time I worked under a narc manager. I had just joined and felt like they came for me at everything I ever said. I thought I was not talking respectfully so I toned down a lot. A year into the job I saw all the patterns and red flags. Same thing with everybody. They were just feeling like everybody was a threat to their authority. Wish I had known this earlier, I would have taken it for what it was and left early.

My response is a gentle "what do you mean?" After criticism. They go on the attack.

Whenever I criticize him he would give me the silent treatment.

Thank you for these videos. I wish I had watched this series a while ago. Your amazing.

When I start to wonder if somebody might have narcissistic tendencies I test them by giving a little mild criticism/feedback and see how they react. Also ask them to go slightly out of their way to do a favor for you and see how they respond to that.

My first red flag was a reaction to a simple observation in his family. I said, "Boy, you really were the favored one in your family." He unleashed an outburst of rage I hadn't seen before. But I was young and naïve, didn't understand what was going on, and I felt guilty for having made the comment. It took 20 years to have that observation validated by his sister when she told me that, as she was growing up, she regularly answered people that their parents "really love" her brother more than her. Sad.

Oh wow, Thank you yet again, Dr. Ramani !!! I grew up surrounded by narcissists and I heard that sort of comment from all of them all the time. I spent years and years feeling guilty about being so insensitive ... but you are right. There was nothing wrong with what I actually said. I feel so validated and vindicated. You have no idea how much this particular video lifted my spirit and lightened my soul. Thank you thank you thank you!!!

I "dated" a guy for like TWO MONTHS once that was BLATANTLY NUTS like this, accept magnified IMMENSELY! I had to put a restraining order on him! We were going camping and I do not even remember what I said, probably something trite and he PULLED OVER and threw all of his stuff out of his TRUCK on the side of the road and SAT THERE making me stare at HIM! IT WAS CRAZY!

Dr Ramani is doing her best to educate the general population about narcissism and fallout. Knowing what we do now, how do we protect the children? How do we protect the child born to narcissist parent (s)? I'm marked from a non-stop childhood and adulthood of familial narcissists. I'd do anything to stop the chain of abuse.

We appreciate the knowledge Dr.Ramai

Really excellent tips, here. I've experienced them, and had a long relationship with that narc, but now I am healing from his abuse.

VERY VERY TRUE!!! THE SIGNS WERE ALWAYS THERE FROM THE VERY BEGINNING!! 21 YEARS OF KNOWING THIS MONSTER AND 19 YEARS OF MARRIAGE!!!!. IT TOOK ME ALL OF 20 YEARS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IM DEALING WITH!!! BUT IM SO GRATEFUL THAT I HAVE.. THANKS TO YOUR CHANNEL!!! TY YOU FOR SHARING DR RAMANI!!

Since I moved away from home ive noticed red flags in my sister. She started triangulating me and pushing me out of my family. My husband (then boyfriend at the time) politely asked her would she call me more because I missed her. She went berserk and told him that I was always selfish and horrible and someday he would see that for himself. When I brooched the subject with her she alleged that my husband verbally attacked her and called her a bad sister, which I know for sure he didn't. I started to see how toxic and manipulating she is. She started a large smear campaign about me, successfully and would then invite and afterward uninvite me to events, then judge me and call me unreasonable for my reactions. The less I would react after that the worse she would get. I never looked at my sister as a narcissist before but now after educating myself on it its really hard to miss. It's really upsetting.

SHE'S SOOOO PRETTY!!! 👍😭👌❤

Since I was a small child, I was either given horrible silent treatment, ridiculed or punished for saying 'normal' things. I was confused for decades. I realised very late in life that SGs are truth tellers, and what is 'normal' to a truth teller is criticism to a narc, even if it's an innocent and valid question. Narc parents would humiliate even very young children at any opportunity just to elevate themselves.

Excellent video on completely spot on. I lived it for years and this is such truth. Also a more subtle narc will have little dabs of putdowns for you on a regular basis id you try to have any conversation with them about the relationship and it doesnt matter how nice you are. They cannot stand the thought of they may be doing something to be contributing to the demise of your relationship and take zero responsibility for their own actions. RUN!!!

Doctor, you are spot on with describing narcissists. Horrible people.

I got a friend, he's like Dr.Jeckle and Mr Hyde and he'll get pay back pronto. Another thing I hate is when they try to convince you with a lie about their character. I mean big deal, why lie.

Dr. R. I am glad to have come across your channel, which has helped understand & navigate thru a post narcisstic relationship.

This is why I jest (with good-natured humor) at new people in my life to test their level of sensitivity and narcissism. The best ones are when they stare at you angrily for a long time and don't say anything, as if to intimidate or turn it into a staring contest they're hoping to win in order to save face in some way; no doubt thinking, how DARE you disrespect ME! If they react that way - that's when I scoff and stare right back, breaking their silent bs, and continuing with, "So do I talk first - do you talk first? You alright there bud?" - ooh that really gets them goin.

On point again Dr. Ramani! Thank you for this video....have an amazing day.

I questioned something very disrespectful about his female neighbor. I called him out on disrespect for all women, including his mother and me. No apology. He said" well it's out there now!"

My sincere thanks to Doctor Ramani for the answers to the behavior of a narcisstic person that Was once in my life but no longer as I have ghosted her. I too was the victim of false accusations for the slightest issues. I finally get so fed up with it as it was making me feel sick and empty inside trying to please someone who could care less. I am so relieved now that I am away from the whole scenario!...

I think vulnerable narc rage shows up in tears. "How could you say that when I have X going on?", or "How could you think that of me, I try to be such a good person?".

I wish I would have known all these flags 35 years ago when I was dating my wife! Now it's so difficult to think of the process of getting a divorce, even though our adult kids are the ones that are encouraging it for my benefit. Your videos have really helped me understand so much about narcissism. Thank you

An narc ex-friend told me that he kicked his girlfriend out of their home (where he wasn't even paying rent) because she started to push back on his unacceptable behavior towards her and others - just to name a few - dominating conversations and making it all about him, treating folks like objects and using them for his gain then discarding them as unimportant or useless and being generally inconsiderate of others' feelings/experiences. He explained how he refused to share a bed with anyone who criticizes him - even if they do it in a kind way. I asked him - who else but an intimate partner is going to reflect back to us the truth of who we are? That it's valuable info. He wasn't having any of it. And she was right about it all!!!

Dying of laughter. So accurate. The parking thing 💯😂😂

I had the line experience in a Walmart Money Center line. I showed up early and was first in line. There were three people lined up in front of an office door that was approximately 30 feet away and nowhere near the the Money Center entrance. I was put off when I was approached by a woman who demanded they all be ahead of me; she didn't ask or even talk to me in a polite way, just demanded I step aside for them as they were waiting first. I would have if I had not been spoken down to. She then loudly proclaimed she had a master's degree in psychology and knew what problem I had. After I did my one minute transaction of buying stamps, I asked her just as loudly if she flunked line forming class. The others in line were laughing when I left.

This is spot-on. Thank you, Dr. Ramani😄

I am so thankful for you, Dr. Ramini. You explained so perfectly what my reality was. I now know I wasn't going crazy ❤

This is awesome advice , Dr. Ramani! And of course , their reactions to feedback of , as you said to something of the simplest nature , continues in the same reactionary vein throughout the relationship. It worsens as the narcissist has a hold on you and you’re confused and they become more and more entitled, if that could be possible, to their cruel responses back to you. I wished I had paid attention sooner.

Thank you Df Ramani, you are the best. You mean a lot to us survivors. Thumbs up👍🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Thanks again Dr. Ramani, insight we all need!! Wow - I have learned more from you in one month, than on my own over 40 years! Sad but true ...

Hello Dr. Ramani!!! I adore you 🤗 Before I watch/ listen to this video, I want to give you a gentle reminder: It's SUMMER 🌞 Be kind to yourself; cut your hours - take a walk, go swimming with friends, host a small dinner party & laugh with dear friends, take a vacation, even if it's a stay-cation, do something creative, read a book for fun, not work related. We will all be here after you take a week or two off, to recharge your batteries. This is coming from a former workaholic - with love ♥️