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It’s just annoying constantly hearing about masculinity and femininity can’t coexist which just divides us and makes everyone feel terrible

As a man I think it’s so weird that compassion is considered a “feminine” trait. The fact I don’t like seeing others in pain/suffer, that alone makes me more feminine? Idc to have some feminine traits because it’s all a spectrum, but I see compassion as more of a basic human emotion not attached to gender

Girl you’re genuinely gorgeous. As a Black girl a bit older than you who grew up in PWIs my entire life, it’s literally just r*cism that prevented those l*sers from loving you back. I know it’s hard to see that right now because of spaces you may be in, but trust me on this one.

I think another issue with some female friendships is that some of it IS a performance. Like some women focus on what the female friendship ‘’look like” as opposed to actually what it is/forming deeper connections. They want that tv/movie friendship straight off the bat without spending the time it takes to actually form those deeply connected friendships. And I feel that’s why it’s so hard to for adults to make friends as adults, cos it’s hard to carve out that quality time to develop that genuine friendship organically.

Also when you're talking about not being pretty and not being the beauty standard 😭😭😭 girl that's the "grew up around white people and PWIs" talking. dont play with me.

as a man i just realized i haven’t been keeping up well with my girl best friend, truly a mistake because they’re who keep me sane when half of my male friends are getting redpilled unbeknownst to them and the other half are either ignorant or apathetic to the world. truly female friendships are important for everyone and for me they show me that there’s a world where i can have respectable friends with opinions i actually listen to

I know you aren't fishing for compliments, but for real, objectively you are indeed conventionally pretty. Doing whatever feels fun and comfortable regardless of where that activity falls on the "gendered" scale is the best. I think my friendships have been so long lasting because I'm lucky to have found people that are all like that.

ironically i feel like this stereotype of “female friendship” ends up making women not want to be friends with each other bcs maybe you dont want to do any of those things presented. like i don’t think most women would like it if there friend was “playfully” shoving into them while they’re doing their makeup. like love u, but girl move tf out of my way LMAO

Really enjoyed this video!! I feel like there’s been a rise in gender essentialist/gender wars content on social media the last few years, which is ultimately untrue and unhelpful. I think focusing on what personality traits and hobbies make women friends instead of what “girly” things they do together will help people find fulfilling friendships

THANK YOU. you perfectly articulated my frustrations with nearly everything surrounding "female friendships". it's SO stuck in traditional gender roles

Look I love how much women love each other, I love seeing them share their "female friendships" online, and I do treasure my female friends, but as someone who grew up with sisters and lots of girl friends, i've never related to those videos. I don't wear makeup, I don't drink wine, the first time I painted my nails was when I was 18, I don't like getting changed in the same room as others, etc (all things that are viewed as feminine). Likewise, I also don't have make friends. A lot of my friends are trans and non-binary and this trend excludes them from that even though they are the most giving and lovely people I know! Thank you for looking at this critically!

it's interesting because i tend to feel that many men generally have zero interest in women outside of attraction/sex. unfortunately, for some men, how much or little they find you attractive dictates the level of interest they have in you as a human. maybe it depends on the setting but at least in junior high/high school age it was very evident boys only wanted to be 'friends' with the girls they deemed as 'hot'

Some people enjoy fitting into a box. They are used to categorizing themselves and that makes life comfortable for them. They are okay with the performance. If you aren’t okay with that performance, you can’t fit in to the drama of it. It is why I didn’t rush a sorority. I didn’t want my friend group to solely be based on socioeconomic and/or race and I didn’t want to perform “girly” things as a group. It felt false to me and I would always come off as apathetic in those situations - getting dressed together, only talking about boys or makeup. I also didn’t want my personality defined based on the sorority I was in which was big on my campus. Happy for the people who truly enjoy it but it isn’t for everyone. I think a big piece is the performance of it all.

16:39 I've always had this thought that when hanging out with certain friends starts to feel perfomative, it's most likely not the activity that's the issue but the company. This usually happens to me with people whom I think I have to be friends with, so to relate to them, I try to act the same way they do even though it's the last thing I want. With those who don't make me feel like I have to be someone else to be friends with them, though, the same or similar activities can be really enjoyable.

My girl best friends taught me a lot about life, opened an entire new perspective ngl, and they always emotionally support me, everyone deserves someone like them in their life fr

I think what a lot of people mean when they talk about “female friendship” is a platonic relationship that involves a sense of security and emotional vulnerability. The sense of security, I think, comes from being able to be yourself, be physically intimate (hugs, cuddling on the couch), and being heard without worrying about it being mistaken as romantic (very hetero of society as always). That could very likely be where the concept of a Gay Best Friend comes from-a man who does not pose of threat of romantic feelings (the pressures/expectations of romance and/or dangers of rejecting them). Hence “the girls and the gays”? This of course comes with the (again) hetero idea that every man or woman who is friends with someone of the opposite sex will catch feelings for the other. Which is what Amanda had been talking about ❤

This reminds me of on twitter when this guy cut off his friends for not visiting him when he was hospitalised and people called him "sassy" and said "That's not your friends' job thats a woman's job" then people will wonder why men are so prone to loneliness and self deleting...normalise emotionally intimate friendships for everyone regardless of gender. Sidenote:You are soooo prettyyy like it's actually crazy❤

Its wild to me how society is pushing this idea that men and women should have nothing in common, yet be best friends and life partners. If men and women can't be friends, how on Earth could you expect them to be partners? And the thing is, people don't. "I hate my partner" jokes are an age old tradition for a reason. For many, the ideal relationship is one where you have nothing in common with your spouse and grow to hate them. Only, they haven't quite realized that's what they're vying for.

Amanda I had similar thoughts about my attractiveness, trust me…the guys like you. They are often too afraid to act on it because you’re stunning and don’t want to face rejection.

Countless women have complained to me about men, just to ditch me for men, while avoiding me because men find me attractive. Countless women have accused me of insane things because I'm comfortable being alone and I make a point to afford being able to live alone. There's your riddle ladies. Understand what's going on here and we're on our way to better connection with each other. I'd rather take female friendship over the lustful men.

I was raised in a conservative Catholic environment and also with undiagnosed mental illness/neurodivergency. As a child, I could very obviously see that female = inferior from the things I was taught. So I learned to mimic the ways I saw my brothers being raised to think and act. As an adult, I feel like I am struggling with what I assume is the same kind of aversion to vulnerability that men feel. I find it interesting that people say women are “allowed” to be emotional and vulnerable, considering society sees “female” characteristics as bad, and that women are intellectually inferior in some way. Are we really “allowed” to be vulnerable if that trait is associated with a group of people that is seen as inherently inferior?

Thank you for this vid - I really appreciate how you outlined and gave space to so many different but coexisting perspectives in relation to the concept of "female" friendship, and love the callout of how inherently cisgendered and heteronormative the term is. Also love how you articulate the feeling of failing at gender performance largely due to the fact that girl/womanhood as it's held up in Western spaces was deliberately built to specific people. Excellent exploration of the topic, thanks again!

I have given up on trying to make female friends. I’m tired of one sided friendships. It seems I’m always the one putting in the effort and I’m tired of it. I’m also tired of dealing with fake friends who were never my friends and secretly did not like me. It was only about what they could get from me. I’m tired of being ghosted when I try to start a new friendship. Honestly I have accepted that my grandma is my only female friend even though she doesn’t count because she is family.

I'm a man (probably trans but thats besides the point) but, every time I think of being a woman, it's the girlhood and female bonds that women have that I envy the most. Women just have this unspoken bond that I will never have access to. I grew up around women and am more comfortable around women than men. Most of my friends have been women but, there is always this level of relationship that I will not have access to. It makes me sad 😅 I desperately want to be "one of the girls" and women have told me that they do not see me as a man when I'm in their groups. Which I can appreciate but, at the same time I want to think "Well, I can be an example that men are capable of not being what you think." Maybe it's because I'm able to tap into my "feminine energy" but, at the end of the day, I'm still a straight man. (Listening to the video as I type this) I feel like I do fit into that androgyny that you talked about.

Thank you for making careful discriminations. This was great.

I know my comment is mostly going to be a word vomit. But you're video did get me thinking of why I the bonds that I have with the women in my life has come much easier. I have friendships with guys and girls. I have a lot of cousins, brothers and sisters. There is an ease with which I can converse and be vulnerable with my sisters and female friends. On the other hand, with my brothers and guy friends it has taken a lot of effort and back & forth to get to a place of comfort, where I can be vulnerable with them. A lot of the times they used to look down on me because I'm sensitive and emotional. I was told to stop being weak if I cried. Whereas my sisters and female friends would comfort me and let me vent. I think that toxic masculinity plays such a huge role in that. Because they were taught that emotions and crying are signs of weakness. And they'd project it on me. It takes a lot of unlearning to feel better. I'm so grateful that the guys around me have put in the effort for themselves. But I still am very aware that not everyone has gotten the chance to do that. While women also can reinforce these toxic ideologies, it is more frequent with guys. So when I talk to guys I tend to be more cautious just because it's more likely that I'd get judged by them. Also in terms of how people romanticise the performative aspects of these more, it gets me thinking. I have never been into makeup and dressing up because it is a process that leads to sensory overload. It is fun to help my sisters and friends choose accessories and clothes, give my opinions on them. Also getting ready around each other is being physically vulnerable around others that leads to being emotionally vulnerable as well. Ngl, while getting ready we tend to have the deepest conversations with each other. I've realised that doing skincare with my dad and brothers also feels the same. There's a different atmosphere like you let your gaurd down because you're more relaxed?

I love what you do and grateful I found your channel!

I absolutely absolutely *love* your videos. Always so well put together and your voice is so soothing. And also you’re so beautiful!!!

I’m not one to comment but I have to say… Amanda, you are absolutely beautiful. And I hate that the beauty standard tries to tell us otherwise ❤

Ooo men with traditionally feminine traits being good friends is so on point! I wonder if women with masculine traits make better friends to men?

i clicked on this video with a small amount of trepidation as a tgirl, but was pleasantly surprised to hear someone finally have a normal, not-completely-polarized take on how "female friendship" has affected trans women! its something that i think ur upbringing helps u to understand; that alienation and struggle to assimilate echoes with us

So well articulated 🤍

in what world are you not considered stereotypically attractive? That's just not believable.

This is a such a great exploration of the phrase "female friendship" and how we use it! As someone who basically evangelizes about platonic love between women, I never considered the implications of gender essentialism in that phrase.

Great vid / topic ~ TY for sharing!😊

I feel like you have perfectly articulated how ive felt. I feel like im still learning how to be comfortable with intimacy in female friendships as well. Most of the girl friends I had growing up I never really connected with (I also was like the only black girl from k-12 lol) so I was never really able to get very close. However when I got to college and met people I connected with along with the intimacy that came along with and it was all new to me. Ive definitely come a long way since college, but even at my grown age of 25 I still feel like im not 100% comfortable lol

Thoughtful and nuanced!

Incredible video! Such good points and very well structured, very mentally stimulating ❤

I was born female, I was a girl and now I’m a woman- I’m already feminine enough. Tf 😂

‘Just wanna comment on the latter half of the video where you talk about male/female friendships because I found it funny. 😂 It’s a crazy thing to say, but perhaps not finding each other attractive is a crucial part of a male/female friendship’s success. 😭🤷🏽‍♂️ When attractiveness exists & feelings start to develop, that’s when things get complicated in my opinion.

very insightful, thoughtful and inclusive, well done! plus you look gorgeous :)

hi! j wanted to say thank u for this vid. I'm personally nonbinary and I'm literally so used to gender essentialist rhetoric that hearing somebody else critique it is just incredibly validating. much love :)

You’re so pretty, I wanna fight whoever rejected you bc they clearly did not have eyes 💀 some people just don’t see what is right in front of them smh

I'm south asian + I went to a girls school for secondary (i.e., middle + high school), and boiiii was it a mixed bag. Being surrounded by women was great; really gave me a lot of practice in communicating with a wider range of women, but some girls, especially those that made a point of forming large friendship groups, seemed to want to pull off a whole taylor swift girl gang thing, and only make friends with girls who were conventionally attractive (in the societal sense here!). To them, being friends with each other was a status symbol, and not necessarily bc they all had deep and meaningful connections with every person of that group. Mix this in with my being a chubby south asian (my year group was very ethnically diverse, mind you, but this group had most of the white kids in my year 👀), I didn't really have that incredibly close friendship group of women (despite being surrounded by mostly girls) until uni. In fact, my closest friends were the gay kids 😆 #noragretz

I’ve put some much pressure on myself to find a girl gang now that I moved to a new city. It’s been so difficult to do. While I’ve connected with work 1-1, it’s been harder to get an invite to a girl group. At first I felt bad and excluded, but then thought of all the female friends I do have even if we aren’t all in the same city. I’m content and appreciative of those relationships.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣

You look GOODT I’m not sure that you did anything differently. Maybe it’s the lighting or just glowy skin… your mug is gorgeous 🔥

I really don't understand how anyone would be ok without not being friends, not even one friend,with someone from a group making the 50% of population( especially when women aren't all the same nor a monolith,

It's really interesting you mention that.... I grew up by all means, conventionally unattractive. I was overweight, had an alternative look, could be quite "masculine" and off-putting. I developed a lot of friendships with men at that time who to this day are still my best friends. However I have come to fit the standard of conventional beauty and our dynamic has shifted.... over text and through technology they're still amazing friends, in person they can't even look at me and def act a bit off.

I’m the exact same as you when it comes to friends with guys situation lolol never have they ever confessed to me but I’ve been on the other end

I just want friends that don't treat me like an inconvenience. My closest friend bailed on me because she had to do laundry. For an activity that was near her house. 😂.....😢😢

You put something ive been thinking about into words super well, everytime i try to say something it comes out super jumbled. Do you have a podcast anywhere.

I think people should just make friends with people that they click with and share similar hobbies and interests with. I have female friends for my girly interests and both female (but mostly male by chance) friends for my nerdy interests. As long as someone accepts you for who you are and what you like, then they're good to be friends with. This is coming from someone who has been made fun of for being 'weird' and 'nerdy' by girly people and also 'shallow' and 'too girly' by nerdy people lol. Cool and open-minded people though, despite not sharing all your interests won't care about this stuff.

reaaaally recommend Lilly Dancyger's new book of essays on friendship, First Love!!!

I opened this video and though oh wow you are so pretty.

Off topic: I love this look on you 💕

I feel you girl 😔

It’s obvi you’re a beautiful girl but it would be socially oblivious of me to say that you’re often the object of affection. Even if you grew up in a black or diverse space you STILL wouldn’t be the pinnacle of desirability so I agree that yes, it makes it easier to form friendships with men because not only are they not ‘performing’ for you but you’re also not ‘performing’ for them. You touched on the performance of gender from a ‘feminine(but secretly male gaze)’ perspective but there is also the ‘masculine(but performing for the female gaze)’ perspective as well. I think if people in general aren’t performing it’s easier to form friendships based on shared values like compassion 💕✨☺️

Do you think we can add a bit of Intersectionality to this? What do black fem friendships actually look like? Especially when you talk about growing up in a PWI, and around YT ppl, It clicked that most Fem friendships in media and social media are mostly white fem performances, even with a mixed set of characters, or even black sitcoms they are still written as or Mirroring then White fem ones. With the same tropes, stigmas, and problems over and over again. There is none I can think of too this day that isn't filtered for White palatability and if it does go deeper its only though the side of struggle come up stories, where black fems (drugs, hypersex, violence , breaking out of the 'bad side of the tracks') and not simple feel good growing up stories. And the worse part is if you think even harder about those same struggle come up stories....you can swap a black masc friend group and a black fem group to get literally the same result, with the exception of gender performance (still a very filtered one, and called realistic) . This creates the feedback narrative to some extent that cis white/white adjacent friend groups are the baseline to be 'Wholesome' and 'Pure', while others are messy....Is it just me or is it an actual pattern genuinely?

❤ i nevet truly had a girl best friend (i love women and it sucks i never hang out with any girl lol) but the women i have met in school or on social media in the past are the sweetest people who truly are true and funny. they give the besy advice beyond makeup and boys. ❤😂

In general, you can't be friends with people who you are attracted to in a non-appreciative or any non-platonic way. It just doesnt work. Most times men have become friends with me they magically somehow now have a crush on me, and now I have the burden of navigating this unwanted non-reciprocal attraction *and* its now someone who i care deeply about as a friend. I don't avoid men altogether as friends, I'm NOT hot like that LMAO, but if I sense unwanted romantic vibes I distance myself very quickly. If you dont experience this, you are either dense or are lucky enough to have people of your preferred gender interested in you solely as a person :p

Its always bothered me how traits have been gendered. It especially bothered me growing up because I was always told I was pratically a boy since I was assertive and would throw hands. I tried dressing more feminine, but I couldn't afford much of those type of clothing's so since I dressed with "male" clothes I could find at thrift stores, everyone always joked that I was secretly "trans." in a derogatary term. I am a woman, and like being a woman, So I really got into the "divine feminine" side of tik tok and it really harmed me because I didnt fit into any of the boxes.

9:40 i thought it was interesting how you brought up how the individuals in a couple usually look because in my opinion i think it should be about how an individual expresses themselves, no matter if you're in a relationship or not, i don't think it's a great thing for people to be grouped into how a typical heterosexual couple looks instead of focusing on the one person. i had no problem with what you said and agree with you 100%, i just noticed that thats how society views it. kinda sad tbh but what do i know

Ngl at 10:10 you just described me. I’m your preference 😊

Umm, I think you've missed the point about the phrase "female friendships." It refers to the sex of the participants, not their behaviors.

Fine, but your skin is glowing glowing.

Hello there 💙💚💛💜

Rubbish and Poppycock (not you host but Idealism ) . I am happy being me which I can only be (either you love me or hate me )✌🏿

on point

I’m a guy and have always been fascinated by female friendships. While I do have female friends of my own, seeing two women or a group in of women who share a special bond is something to behold. I just finished playing this video game called Final Fantasy VII Rebirth. It’s remake of the original FFVII game from 1997. The thing I loved the most from that game wasn’t the action, set pieces or any of that. It was the friendship displayed between the two female leads, Tifa Lockhart and Aerith Gainsborough. There was a documentary I watched about the game where the developers said they deliberately decided to focus that aspect of the game and they did a solid job. Their friendship moved me to tears. I find myself being moved by female friendships in other works of fiction and in real life as well. I know it can be hard for women to find deep and meaningful connections with their fellow women. But ladies, I think it’s worth it. There is nothing more beautiful to me than sisterhood

But this seems more like you have problems with the societal impressions of women's friendships. That's not what our friendships are like or about.

Too much about women in relation to men in this talk

I can't believe someone as old as Jane Fonda can spout such nonsense about men as if we're robots.