I'm a girl and can say that my fellow girls have hurt me more than boys ever did

I've met so many women who seem to feel that everything is a competition, even intimacy.

Psychology tells us that a good appearance can make a good impression on others but it is just a temporary feel. With the deepening of communication, the personality weighs more.

As a 50 year old woman I can just remember a time when there was a lot of positive reinforced support within girls and women in the "sisterhood". A time when the unspoken rule was to be there for one another and if necessary lift up someone if they happen to fall. Now it seems that almost the exact opposite is the case. Interesting.

I know this comment will get lost but I really wish Ted wouldn't mic up their speakers so close to their mouth. I find it hard to focus on the words because of the mouth sounds.

In China there is joke - three girls need 4 chat groups

Off topic but I love her voice. She should narrate an audiobook

I was a naive little girl. The first time I found out how closely media scrutinised something as inconsequential as celeb looks and makeup, I was disgusted. So maybe it's not ingrained. Maybe it's learned.

Everyone is judged! Men on looks and capability to provide as well as social status. Women are judged on fertility /age, looks, being a mother (or not) and even if they can still maintain a career. The only ‘winners’ are people who manage peoples perceptions or people who simply don’t care.

guys might be attracted to women first for their looks, but they stay for their personality

"Every beautiful woman dies twice." ---Lauren Bacall

Van Morrison: "The girls walk by dressed up for each other."

Women dress for women and undress for men.They also dress their men..pretty much. A woman told me that once.

Thank you for this talk. Very insightful. Manipulative industries that want us to constantly compare and devalue ourselves have a truly toxic effect on most people. I refuse to view any celebrity blogs, links or videos. And I avoid magazines and most television. There is airbrushing, plastic surgery and other industry tricks that annoy me. Real women, in real life deserve much better than being encouraged to obsess about their looks and clothes.

She's literally talking about the male gaze, why didn't she name it like that

Women judge other women.. It's really sad.

If you stopped looking at other people’s lives you will start listening to your body and love yourself.

Something that has always bothered me is the idea of makeup and how women are the ones expected to wear it. Not to say men can't and don't wear makeup, but beauty products are directed towards women. When did someone decide that we weren't beautiful enough naturally? And why is it only women? Makeup has become a such a norm, and it teaches us that our eyelashes aren't long enough and our skin isn't clear enough and that our looks matter enough that we must improve upon them. I was 15 when I first started wearing makeup. I had nearly just started puberty and I had already learned the message that I needed to be prettier. I don't shame others for wearing makeup (I still do to this day) but it is the fundamental idea of makeup that makes my stomach churn.

I'm so glad someone is finally addressing how women objectify men... wait...nevermind

I was never called pretty as a little girl and thought I would meet “Prince Charming”. I had to develop strength and some personality

The minute she said “it’s nothing harmful it’s just a click.” I had to question why I was watching this video.

I like the way we ask questions that we already KNOW the answers TO..... And act bewildered before AND after... About everything apparently

What a genuinely amazing heart felt talk with non of the silly shallow mannerisms that lots of women on Ted talks use. Most act the same like they have been coached by the same person. This displays they are not confident in themselves or the knowledge they are trying to portray.

I wonder how many people will dislike and leave when they see "toxic" and "female" in the title without taking a second to think about the video at all.

Thanks, Emma. I appreciate you for taking a stand for human dignity. One of the most interesting meta-conversations about your talk is the ecological relationship between writer and subject, speaker and listener, interviewer and interviewee. I've been aware all my life that the most interesting parts of me and others are not viewed because there is no role in our dumbed-down version of culture through which to express them. If 99% of people ask me "keeping busy?" it defines the whole cultural dialog based on a competition to manically create things to do. If everyone asks women about age it's the same thing. Here are a few metrics I think are medicinal to pay attention to: 1) What are 40 things that if anyone did them would make you feel completely and totally loved? 2) Who would you love to be as a human being if no one was watching or ever knew? Why? 3) What are your greatest strengths and what role, if it existed, would allow you to bring the most value to the most people, based on your strengths? From experience the person who answers these questions thoughtfully is a pretty amazing person to spend time with of any age, body type or gender.

Watch at 1.25x. Changes the entire tone.

The best ted talk ever. I love this woman. I am going to follow her on her social media page. I agree, this intense worship of body is not helping young girls and women. Instead of confidence, it is doing the opposite.

this is NOT a men verse women issue to all of you saying "but men have problems too blah blah blah". she's not making this about men. Yes, men's issues are important, and so is this issue in the talk. It's not an either/or situation. A very smart women! The media puts out what gets clicks, so watch what you are voting for.

One of the most valuable lessons I learned from Great Courses Instructor, Dr. Rufus Fears, is that I didn't need to be "beautiful," it's much more attractive and powerful to be "beautiful to be with," which means cultivating knowledge, passion and wisdom.

I don't think this issue can be laid at the feet of the media. Beauty and youth were desirable traits in women long before television or even print not to mention Instagram. Much like strength and status were desirable traits in men. This is why many women's self-worth is tied to their beauty and appearance and many men's self-worth is tied to their status.

Couldn’t agree more. Very well put

Amazing TED Talk, so empowering and inspiring!

Dear Ms. Jones. Thank you for presenting facts and numbers that drive home how huge a problem female expectations are. To all of us. I wish the lighting where you gave your talk this night had let you see the faces of men in your audience like the two shown around the 8:50 minute mark of this presentation. If you had been able to see their heartache about the statistic you'd just shared, that 1 in 4 British girls and young women self-harm, you couldn't have said only moments later that men should take heed because anorexia is on the rise in young male populations. We're all in this together. And every loving being feels pain at reports of another's suffering. Thank you for sharing your ideas of ways we can all ease the load of suffering that comes of harboring and being subjected to unrealistic standards of approval by one's kind, Ms. Jones. I especially appreciate your recommendation of Conscious Clicking. It's such a simple, doable by anyone, way of pulling for Team Humankind. And such an effective way to approve of oneself a lot more than before a conscious click. You've done a good service, drawing folks attention to the importance of acting in accordance with the higher of competing values and impulses. More power to you!

browsing the web with photos turned off helps a lot. And not clicking on anything that says Kardashian.

Self-esteem is generated from within. No one else can give or reduce another's self-esteem. That would be called other-esteem. Stop asking others to make women strong. Women that become strong make themselves strong completely on their own.

Much needed discussion on Tedtalk!👍 Well said!👏 Insightful Perspectives!👏😇🙋

Yeah men get judged on both. Looks and money. At least an attractive poor woman can get plenty of attention

It's as if women are just as competitive as men when it comes to attracting mates.

If you happen to see a little girl sharing, compliment her for being kind. If you see a little girl practicing to win, compliment her drive. If you see her in a pretty dress please tell her she is beautiful.

It is something i've always talked about, how most of the prejudice regarding female appearance is coming from media meant for a female audience, which is comprised mostly of other women, since an early age they are looked down on because of their shoes, or hair or something shallow like that, establishing a silent competition between women to try to one up the other which leads to such a low self esteem culture with the goal of boosting consumism, the same happens to men to a certain extent but on a different context. The true problem in society is this low self esteem mentality that we're all subject to from the moment we start interacting socially with the outside world.

Society is obsessed with a woman's beauty, youth, and fertility much in the same way society is obsessed with a man's status, earnings, physical attributes etc. That's life, it's unfair, double standards exists for both genders. You can't have your cake and eat it too. That is just the way biology and the world works and we all have to live with that.

Very good lecture, attentive audience.

It's the patriarchy and women internalise male values without even realising it. When I first studied feminism (at University), I only took it because it was better than another option. As a twenty-one year old I actually thought it was just women moaning about nothing because we could vote and work and drive. But wow, the Beauty Myth opened my eyes. Women are taught to derive self-worth from the projected male gaze i.e. what women imagine men want. In every facet of my life, sexism has played out in glorious technicolour. We need to send little girls (edit, and boys) new messages about self-worth, empowerment and what really matters.

I agree completely! Women need to find their confidence in who they are as a person and through their actions! Sure everyone wants to look their best but my life goal is to follow my dreams and be a good person! I am confident in who I am as a person! It’s a shame though I’ve actually had people confuse my confidence with conceit! Whether male or female if someone works hard and treats others with respect they should be proud and confident, anyone that has a problem with that is jealous and insecure! I find women to be more critical and judgmental and while I do have some female friends I prefer to have male friends because my conversations with my male friends revolve around work and hobbies where as too many women want to turn everything into a competition or sit around and tear theirselves apart because they don’t look like a super model! Unfortunately a lot of women are brain washed by society!

Part of me applauds her for talking about this, another part of me just kinda goes “this is wishful thinking”. And I think that comes from just learning and deconstructing so much of life and kinda recognizing the core of life is inherently about both survival and reproduction. So in a way, I don’t see our interests in people being too far off that tract per se. perhaps some change and culture might help people, but overall, the core of life is still the core of life and by the time we figure out the game, we die, and another person is born and they got to start all over again. Also, parents I’ve noticed likley don’t go as deep into much of how life works because they just don’t have time. That was a reality that kinda hit me kinda hard I admit.

I struggle with this so much. I am in pain.

Why do we care about a woman's age and not a man's...or their looks? Perhaps because men have NEVER been valued for their looks to begin with. So, when you lose something you've never had...you don't miss it. Men's value is in sacrificing their lives to earn money to support their families and society. Their value is in what they can earn and how much tax they can pay. Usually, their earning potential increases with age. So, their value increases with age...until they're finally discarded, used up, no longer useful to anyone. I was a pudgy teen riddled with acne. I hated my body too. I had low self esteem too. I was picked on too. No girls would go on a date with me. So? It was temporary.

There's a reason I don't read celebrity gossip. I just think people are butting in to famous people's private lives way too much, sometimes distastefully. I can't tell you how many times I've felt disgusted when I see a tabloid revealing some "scandal" about someone who has died.

I can't believe how intellectually bankrupt this whole situation is. How can you so seriously dance yourself around and ignore the obvious conclusion?

YOU GO EMMA!!!!!

Psychology courses should be universally mandatory. So many people don't understand that, unless society breaks down your door and forces you to make certain choices, YOU are the one who controls how you respond to things. Internalization and salience are incredibly important concepts, and they are individually unique. Media has an impact on us, but it's not a 1-to-1 thing. It doesn't override the fact that you control how you are affected by it. The idea that you have no control is a dangerous falsehood. There is no "toxic masculinity" or "toxic femininity". It's just harmful behaviors that manifest in unique ways with different people. These ideas are dangerous because they ignore individuality and personal responsibility. Take it from someone with degrees in Anthropology, if you focus on groups and not individuals, your resulting theories will be wrong and will cause far more harm than good.

so true, thank you

Most men also don't feel happy with their body. The big difference is that the things men feel inadequate about are things they literally cannot change.

I can remember as a non conforming teen I felt most relaxed with boys my own age and none made remarks about my appearance identity or preference. In the current era I wonder if that happens. I was awfully careful with girls because they were so much less likely to let you be! Now I enjoy the company of women my age as they are much more likely to be understanding of gender fluidity. As teens though some were toxic.

In my country we'd say "this woman discovered orange" ie nothing new...

The most articulate presentation on this rarely discussed subject I have heard.

love those ted talks that sound like the microphone is located inside their cheek

this "40 is the end" shit is so tired and old

3:36 What's happening on the bottom left of the screen is exactly what she's saying

I'm not sure that human nature will let this problem go away. Women worship their appearance the same way men worship power. If you stop caring about those things you are likely to accrue disadvantage with the opposite sex's attraction for you. Selecting a good mate is one of the strongest primal instincts in us.

Isn’t this technically still the male gaze??

This is really interesting. I appreciate your perspective that shows empathy, self-criticism, and the initiative to search for solutions and cooperate in order to change certain aspects of society, looking for balance, respect and quality content.

Great speech 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Very convincing talk about the unseen circumstances of media coverage content generation. Before I click on a paparazzi work outlet, I shall remind myself the circumstances i which Princess Diana died.

"Mom! Jennifer's looking at me!"

My daughter: “Something, something, because I'm a princess, and y - - -. ” Me: "I mean, you can pretend that, but I'll kindly remind you that we live in a constitutional republic, and don't take kindly to no monarchies in this here nation." Daughter: _stares_

I love Jen...Shes cool and I wish I could meet someone like her in my life.

I don't think asking ANYONE if they want kids as harrasing. Having kids and offspring is part of the natural order of living....

We are concerned with women's looks because we are enthralled by beauty, to the extent that it becomes a kind of power. This is really an issue about power and respect, and how we in modern society deem it appropriate to offer so little respect to those with little power. An over reaction to social media is not simply a problem with the media but also a problem with society. I am not a socialist by far but I think we ought to give more respect to personal qualities besides appearance and financial productivity. Those two qualities alone do not make a well rounded person, and a society that focuses on these elements above all else will be an awfully empty one. I would blame authoritative 'news' media that seeks to admonish the other and the poor before I would place blame on the ramblings of random strangers.

Her voice is so soothing lol

Thank you

I've got feedback on something technical: You should put a gate on the speakers microphone. It just sounds so awful to hear her smack and slurp in between words and sentences. I know it's natural, but a gate effect could at least reduce the volume of all that.

Id like to keep this short & sweet so "You did this to You!" full stop no one else to blame its done. this ends when women decides it ends. Side note please stop shaming women who want a traditional family & life. Because without them the future is very very bleak.

OMG People, get a grip. This video is journey to nowhere. A person who is raised to develop his/her character and talent, has no need for all this angst. Teach your children not to be useless posing twits and this problem goes away. Beauty is relative and temporal. Enjoy, what you have, but stop obsessing over it. There is SO much more to life. How about a new rule for good mental health? Unless you are an actor or a model, limit your time before mirrors and cameras to a maximum of 10 minutes a day. If you choose to be a celebrity, you have chosen to invite upon yourself a horrific and inescapable invasion of your privacy. If this is the case, you asked for it. Don’t bore us with your whining about the consequences of the choices you’ve made. Focus not on improving what appears on the outside, but on all that lies beneath. Doing so, you’ll be so much richer and happier. Be naturally pretty and amazing instead of mythologically beautiful and hardly more than useless. If you can be beautiful and amazing, that’s fine. But don’t sacrifice your sanity and your happiness in the process.

So how exactly are things tougher for women than men in the film industry?

Based on the title I thought this would be about how women use expectant eye contact to pull in men but get extremely hostile if the man does not approach them. Happens to me in the workplace all the time.

When you were coming up with your talk, you started with a main premise you wanted to get across. You had a few vague, undefined points which you strengthened by weaving them into coherent sentences, then paragraphs which then evolved into a series of drafts, each time carefully reworded so that as much of your intelligence is conveyed to the audience as possible in the final speech. This is much like what happens on a photoshoot. You come up with a concept. You choose a model that best fits the profile for the shoot. Then you have the hair and makeup people go to town. Then you have the photographer shoot her from her best angles. Then you have the retouching afterwords. And then the final perfected image is shared in the media for public consumption. What I'm trying to say that the principle of perfectionism is everywhere from writing to music composition to international policy. If you're arguing that the beauty industry is corrupt because it distorts, exaggerates and sells the beautiful and untouchable, look around you and you'll see that if you this apply this neurotic line of reasoning anywhere else it seems daft. Should we stop playing football matches in pubs because it will sadden the old pensioners to know they'll never be as good as Gareth Bale? Should we not promote best selling books at Barnes & Nobles in case it puts someone off writing because they'll never be as good? Fashion images are part of the continuum of the art tradition and are just as worthy of respect as other crafts. If your immediate reaction to seeing a beautiful person is self loathing then maybe the problem lies with you. Whats wrong with thinking 'wow, what a beautiful person, let me admire them'?

Time and age are the great equalizer. Beauty fades period. Dont put so much stock in it.

unusual to hear these truths aired - gently and constructively.

I was expecting to hear a well articulated talk about how women view men through an idealized romantic film gaze, basically expecting men to die for women's love and honor. But of course, it was again just another talk about 'women as victims'. I guess we can never expect western society to see men as actual human being.

Maybe quit pumping narcissists out of the school system who have been handed everything they've ever wanted. Kids trained to never look outwardly and always thinking inwardly. Teach them modesty and respect. Help them grow a coat of armour instead of trying to simultaneously disarm any obstacles standing in the way of everyone.

How is this about the toxic female gaze? I was expecting a new take on this.

If you (anyone) does not feel attractive/worthwhile, it is the internal that needs work, and the external takes care of it self, after the fact.

This is the first Ted talk I’ve watched in a while, but II prefer “Onion Talks.”

Oh, poor celebrities, they got it so bad...

This woman should do ASMR Such a sedating voice. *Dayum*

I know so many men who are giving themselves serious back problems to look "right" we are all hurting ourselves for nothing imo

I don't mean to take away from the impact of this wonderfully insightful talk but does anyone else hear Finn the humans mom from adventure time?

Has it ever occurred to anyone that marketing, specifically advertising, may be the cause of women feeling bad about themselves?

The title of this is very misleading.

I think this "issue" about what media we gravitate towards is very similar to the obesity epidemic, in that you can create good products that will benefit people (like healthy food), and you can make treats that people should only have a little of (candy, pizza and celebrity gossip trash articles), but ultimately the free market is consumer lead. People without restraint will binge on the treats and not eat the good stuff, and intellectually we do the same with the media content we consume. The subject raised here is a self-inflicted consumer issue that can only be addressed on the individual level - or you can have some creeping form totalitarian of media censorship "for the good of those who cannot control themselves". Is McDonalds' the issue, or did they just find an opening in a market where consumers will literally eat themselves to death?

Its the way they look in a condescending way as if they are superior to you in every manner

I'm just wondering why people who comment on this type of video "taking a dump while watching this" etc. even clicked to watch. I'm so let down by the comment section. Unbelievable.

How are media consumers supposed to tell which thumbnails are taken by paparazzi and which aren't? It's a bit confusing to be told "be careful what you click on", then also be told "try to get the whole story", which usually entails clicking on the article to get the full context.

Jennifer Aniston gave that speech at Rutgers a few years back with the free Panera Bread after.

Very strong message for women. If this was the message of FEMINISM, I support it.

My oh my, Blue Peter has gone downhill

i thought it would be about when a men does something wrong and the female gives him the toxic gaze.

Dear Emma Jones, you could get paid to voiceover meditation apps!! Calming voice!

Thoughtful & Relevent! (However, The Title Is Misleading.)