My half-sister is a toxically positive enabler. She constantly reminds me to be “grateful” for what I have. She gave me a book on theophostic prayer to get over my “issues”. I am the scapegoat right now. My other sister is a flying monkey. She causes the most hurt because we used to be so close, sharing everything. Now she caters to the narcissist and she berates her, too. She plays both sides and takes info to both sides. When I started confronting our narcissist, the flying monkey rebelled against me. Now she has me blocked. I’m the outsider, but I’m free!

The question about feeling more betrayed by enablers really hit home. I have had people tell me that certain things the narcissist did for them meant so much to them that it tipped the scales in their favor (even AFTER I said they did not need to choose). The idea that one fun experience or a series of social outings are more valued to them than your integrity and your long term relationship with them feels like a deep rejection of you as a human being. You get not taking a narc's judgement personally, since you know it is flawed, but this type of rejection is harder to separate from your self image.

Sometimes the person is feeling terrorized by the toxic person and goes into ‘freeze’ mode. from the outside. It’s look like as he’s enabling, but no, he’s terrorized.

My mom is the enabler of my father's toxic character. She suffers from depression, anxiety disorder, also has heart disease, that she needs to take daily meds for it. She herself acknowledges thats all because of him. Whats worse is she just want me to simply accept him the way he is, the way she accepts him, saying he wont be able to change blah blah blah. I love my mom. My father hurts her feelings a lot and often times I have to stand up for her because she can't even defend herself. But that hurts me so much knowing that the person whom I love so dearly, enables this toxic person to continually mentally hurts me and wants me to accept all of this, just for the sake to 'keep the peace' in this house. Ps: I suffer from schizoaffective disorder, also have Lupus (SLE) which I believe is the result of forcing myself to endure his behaviour for decades. It's been hell.

I went to Therapy with my Mom once. She lied and gaslit me there. I never went back and left confused. I just now realized after 46 years how hurtful and manipulative she is. She is the queen of guilt trips and gaslighting. She also stayed with a man that hated us( her kids). Her financial comfort was always more important than anyone else.

I was an enabler. I knew my mom suffered extreme abuse/neglect during her childhood. Then when we lost my brother, well I just excused her behavior. I did not know term for my mother’s behavior though. I went along until I realized she was destroying my children and that she was a physical danger to us. Thank you for understanding the cultural aspect. This was heavily drummed into us growing up. It took everything to sever ties. I knew the backlash would cause me to sever ties with my extended family as a whole.

22:15 I share Jonah's experience in my own family system. I love my mother but she never got it. The best I could describe her personality style is one of codependency. She got her life's fulfillment from serving my vulnerable-neglectful narcissist dad. Now she's 80 and my dad will be 89 soon and happens to have Alzheimer's. They've been married for 56 years and she sacrificed a lifetime of potential. Now that I've studied this through Dr. Ramani's channels (and a few others) I see the fallout of this emotional inheritance for three generations. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Such a painful topic. I had to cut ties with my narcissistic mother and got backlash from my father and sisters (and the majority of them dumped me for our mother.) My husband and I cut ties with his narcissistic brother, and I got backlash from their narcissistic mother. The whole process of calling out the dysfunction and choosing not to be a part of it anymore is extremely painful because you lose people in the end. I already know I'll be spending the holidays alone because my husband still wants a relationship with his parents--or whatever they all consider it--but I don't. I'm tired of the drama and tension, while sweeping things under the rug. I just want my kids and my peace.

I find covert narcissism is so much more difficult to describe the behaviour of to others (because it is so nuanced). Such a great episode. Thank you for all your work clarifying these things.

Calling out two narcissists in my worship team at church was the most traumatic experience. Finding out the enablers and the pastor was also narcissistic and his wife. They quickly smeared me called me a gossiper I was slandering these people they said. They said they just hurt my feelings typical gaslighting pr campaign bs. They called me crazy because my email just listing all their abuse was used against me and of course said they ask so many people and they all said I was lying. They didn’t ask anyone when I checked. The enablers who are still at the church kissing these narcissists butts getting their own supply performing and literally telling me they know how to play the political game is so shocking to see. It really made me lose it for a whole year.

It’s nice to say I only want to spend time with you - is nice, but they report back to narcissist. I needed to recently say - I can no longer have a relationship with you as long as he is in your life.

"Stick to the behaviors," is good advice, if they even let you talk. Nope. I just leave and take my peace with me, which is a rocky journey and ostracism from your family and friends, and job, or religious group, is not easy. But I need my health and peace.

16:45 Something like a "Great Place to Work" is a red flag for me 🚩 I carefully look into what they really are when choosing a job.

My mom was an enabler. She would tell us that she just wants to "Keep the peace."

Had a friend just like the 2nd example... I pointed out a few things. Was the first at that. They knew the behaviour was unacceptable. They will lie on serious health matters to protect the NARC they were so strongly enabling. I pulled away as was pulling me down and wearing me out. I worried about them. Lost a good friend but it was exhausting. At end of day immediate family didnt want nor did want to face... As they also enabled and feed her behaviour...she is their mother.wife.grandmother etc. So it will continue. As enabled in different ways. And only one of me. Better to avoid they will self distruct. I stepped away and will just be a friend when needed. Didn't realize how wearing it was till i stepped away and look back. Great video😊

Unfortunately my mother enabled my father's toxic behavior and his drug addiction for years she choose his feelings over what was best for me and my brother at times especially the last time he was living with us because of this it has caused problems with are relationship I will never forgive her for doing that even though she has now cut contact with my father the damage has been done

For me to wait for this podcast every thursday is just like waiting for Sucession.

My children are enabling their father during our divorce process. They prefer looking the other way while I m being robbed from my assets, mistreated, gaslighted, humiliated. It is very painful. I hear things like, get your act together, you both behave like 16byear olds. While my ex behaves horribly, cheats,lies, sells our property without my permission. I was told not to ask them to choose sides, so the little precious memories of the family home, will not be shattered. Even if I m being hurt, keeping the family structure intact,

You’re awesome, Dr. Ramani❣️ SO appreciate your wisdom on this disturbing lifestyle. Ever-so-helpful! 💪🏻

I recently encountered a transactional empathic enabler (leader) and narcissist relationship. Having a good relationship with both of them prior, I was suddenly cast into a kangaroo court because I asked leadership for assistance after having tried to discuss the digging of my composted rich soil, out of my paid community garden plot, by the narcissist for his own garden. I needed to put words to the vortex toilet flush that happened to me because of the sudden false accusations and threat to evict me from the garden, for complaining, 3 weeks before harvest and having paid my fees, contributed to the community work for several hours, and the expense, time, and labor of gardening. The rules of the Garden did not apply at this court. When I spoke, the leader rolled her eyes. Thank you for the immunity to false accusations through education to early recognition so that I could use my parachute to exit the plane before crashing. The false story continued through gossip in the garden and at my next garden. I had no knowledge of a recourse at that point because I did not see it coming. I was just enjoying gardening and was blindsided by this dynamic of leadership and the narc! I will handle this differently when I recognize DARVO earlier. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!

Endless love for you Dr Ramani, nothing more! 💜💜🙌🙌 Someday kids will have to watch your clips on class. I really hope so.

Ugh, I can easily fall into enabling! I just did it with a new friend who wanted all my time. I kept giving in and it got worse!

What about two narcissists enabling each other?

Thank you. Watching from Alaska.

Boy! Am I ever glad you made this video! I love my daughter. She’s the second out of six children her narcissistic father and I had/have together. Her father is my VERY NARCISSISTIC, now-ex-spouse of 27 years! He and I were married for 18 years.) My daughter was/& still is (?) her father’s scapegoat child. Although, when she lived with him during her last two years of high school, he quickly flipped and made our oldest daughter the scapegoat and this, second daughter the new golden child. But ALL the rest of her years on this earth, she has been his scapegoat. And all that time she was the scapegoat, he had at least four of our five remaining children on pedestals: golden children. The two He scapegoated, I’d say, have personalities most like his. I believe narcissists scapegoat children most like themselves because narcissists can’t (emotionally) ‘afford’ to punish themselves for being so rotten; so they focus their cruelty on their children most LIKE themselves, personality-wise. Anyway, this poor girl could do no right in her father’s eyes; he basically “programmed” her through his VERY obvious “expectations” of her,..to be promiscuous and penniless. To her miraculous credit, she broke out of that cycle in going through her own spiritual healing process when she divorced (fled from) her extremely abusive, narcissistic (now-) ex. She’s no longer the slightest bit promiscuous and has a great job with social security. She has custody of her three children (-whom her ex abused in many ways during their marriage.. likely even incest with their two little boys! And our legal system, MUCH to its discredit, after $100+-thousand in legal fees) STILL allows the dad to have unsupervised visitation. Whereas, with his first ex, she was able to PROVE his pedophilia! The courts said to my daughter, “Well, His divorce case from his first wife is closed; and it’s a different marriage anyway, so we can’t apply it to your case!!” WHAT a BUNCH of Bull Feces!! Anyway, the one thing my daughter DOES say to me is, “Well, Dad’s “JUST” a grandiose narcissist, not malignant.” I beg to differ!! She wasn’t married to her father; I was. I once asked her to please make sure he doesn’t attend my funeral if I pass away before he does. She couldn’t do it. She wouldn’t promise me anything. In fact, she defended him (again). “Dad’s changed,” my children all say. Yes, he may have gone back to the way he used to be when he and I first married; but from what I’ve seen, he’s still just as narcissistic as he was back then. He just got REALLY REALLY BAD (malignant even?!!!) when he had a full-blown affair during his and my marriage. He had probably had other affairs I never knew about; looking back now, I see the signs. But this final affair was a DOOZY!!! -caused ME to go through my OWN spiritual rebirth/mental-emotional-spiritual healing & maturing, growth process! My daughter said that when I’m dead, I won’t care anyway who’s at my funeral, including him. I’m still missed that she won’t respect my wish. I’ve thought of something SINCE then: I thought I should tell her, “Then you won’t mind off I tell YOUR ex that he’s welcome to come to YOUR funeral if you pass away before he does.” She’d probably say, “Fine,” even though she won’t speak to him, other than necessaries about their children. -which, by the way, I’m totally in favor of! It’s just that, I’m pretty sure she’ll be thinking to herself, “There’s no WAY he (that is, her ex) is going to outlive me.” Please tell me your thoughts, if you would! P.S. MY narcissistic ex certainly has toxic positivity, even as the narcissist! It’s how he controls people; no one ever says no to him, because he’s SO “positive” and SO “generous” To everyone…until he married them. Then, he’s all that to those OUTSIDE his intimate relationship. And devalues his partner. -objectifies her!

My MIL is a huge enabler. Might be slightly narcissistic as well but married to a bigger narc. I think my husband saw her as a safe space because after his dad had a narc fit, she would say behind his back " yeah i know he's mean but..." but would never call him out and even join in on the terrorism. It's hard to understand she was never a safe slace. She's tried to gaslight and dismiss me too. After FIL was disrespectful and I went no contact, she started her hoovering with " i know we have our differences but we're family". Omg go away. And i cant get away from them completely just low contact.

My mother was a narcissist and also hypochondriac. She put herself in a nursing home, and once there stayed in the bed when she could’ve gotten out. Her demands were outrageous. Four of my siblings were sucked in by her demands. Whatever they did it was never enough she would demand more. So the cycle continued. The one sister really took charge and did the best she could towards our mother. I told them all that if they continued to allow her to demand from them, and them, giving into those demands, it would only get worse. And it did. As I watched all of this from afar I came to realize that that one sister was doing all of this out of guilt. She had had an abortion as a teenager and felt tremendous guilt over it, even though it had never been discussed. I didn’t learn about it until many many years later. And I also found out that my brother tried to tell my mother what my sister had done only to have my mother punch him in the stomach. And life went on everyone trying to act normal. What a joke.

It's also, I believe, they want everyone to think they're "nice" They don't want anyone saying anything bad/negative about them. Thereby Not standing up (to or) for, anyone, and "helping , the nar to keep being abusive. The enablers, sicken me

I feel so much guilt because I was enabling the narc , I wish I could go back , one of my biggest regrets

Thank you, Dr Ramani. This was a good lesson in understanding why the enablers do what they do. I thought this was what was happening. You confirmed it! Many thanks to you!!

Lots of love and respect for Dr Ramani ❤

Anyway love you Dr. Ramani❤ thank you

With or without the water, All of those reactions/behaviors can be present. A narcissist can become bored and disgusted with the lack of intelligence of the enablers and pine for friendship of their own caliper.

Referring to Glenn, maybe his family is just tolerating his brothers bad behavior until he grows up or moves on in his life. Unfortunately, unchallenged, his behavior will just get worse and worse. Then, watch out for what they will be unleashing into the world!!

If you are stuck in a narcissistic relationship, how do you keep the peace without crossing the line into enabling? What I find confusing is that we're not supposed to call out narcissistic people, so what are we supposed to do?

Thank you! You put such great language on so many things I've learned over the years, but somehow it's different the ways you said them this time. And thank you for highlighting just how harmful this factor is, especially when it's not just a person or two who are in Pollyanna mode. Sometimes it's whole cultures (work, family, society, etc) that are functioning with highly enabling principles and structures, that are so deeply woven into the fabric, that the enabler people cannot do otherwise until they get deeply hurt by the abuser themselves. And even then, the whole thing is set up such that is so risky to see it for what it is and even more threatening to themselves if they stand up for what they finally see. And even worse when the system itself depends on this toxic enabling or it risks being destroyed, I'm that case the system is going to resist change with am intensity that no individual can withstand alone. It's devastating in the levels of damage to a person and to the relationships within it if anyone of those people desire any level of humanity and real connection or even humane decency or civility.

man she's good !

Honestly the e tire thing makes me nauseous Dr ramani.

My step kids, are "enablers." They help destroy others

My mother in law convinced other family members namely her sister That I did all the things over YEARS im talking 30 yrs!!!!that were mean nasty pretty much painted me as a horrible person So much so that her sister called me to Apologize because in one particular incident showed my mother in laws true colors of what she was doing for yrs So Im grateful the diabolical scheming got validated on my end however noone ...NOONE not even my husband confronted her to let her know thats unacceptable. Neither have i because I just dont choose to engage with her or desire a relationship with her. WTH? CORRECTION - My daughter actually called her grandmother and did confront the incident and my mother in law cut her out and only sends gifts to one of my 3 children. She has played her own children against one another so why wouldnt she do this to my children. IAM LIVID

Have you ever addressed cultural narcissism? My husbands family (extended) almost celebrates it as cultural and expects women to be enablers because thats a womans job

Jonah's situation sounds identical to mine the only difference between his situation and mine is the covert narcissist in my life is not my father he's my step father but my mom did the same thing to my stepdad that jonah's mom did me and my siblings would confront our mom about his behavior a did the same thing she continued to protect him defend him stay with him and give up her joy and happiness as well as my and i to am hurt and angry at her for giving away her happiness as well as for a horrible marriage.

Dr ramani, I watched your video on empathic reversal and it so resonated with me. I was discarded by my narcissistic ex husband. I never gave to myself, i didnt take care of myself n lost a considerable amount of weight. Can you please expand on empathic reversal and how to be kind to ourselves.

Accepting a car or financial gift from a toxic or pathological abuser is NOT enabling. It may be inheritance. That’s NOT enabling. It’s actually just a value judgment. Especially if you need that to go to school for example or you want to participate in a family event etc. and it requires money. These stories are rigid in their perspective and sounds very much like 12 step philosophy which is not psychology . It’s ridiculous.

#FlyingMonkeySyndrome 😢

Would you consider my Bible believing mother an enabler or just intellectually dishonest? One day I asked her if Christians are free from sinning. She said that everybody sins, and that Christians are no different. I asked her if she was sure of her answer, and she said that she was certain. When I showed her the following Bible verses, l asked her again if Christians do not sin. She got very angry and started shouting at me as if l had done something wrong. 1 John 3:9 9 Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for his seed remaineth in him: and he cannot sin, because he is born of God. AND Ecclesiastes 7:20 20 For there is not a just man upon earth, that doeth good, and sinneth not.

Interesting. What would happen to the alleged and mother enabler if they disobey the law while being in the same shelter with their so called marriage partner who is in truth only their slave owner like when for example instead leaving with 'His' biological too children while then being accused of kidnapping those children by not only him - His series of hired legal representative and his supportive of him female friends were the enablers that were willing to throw me under the bus while not lifting much of a finger to for real protect our infant children then in his home with her. What all were they being told about me? According to him to them all that second husband of mine maybe I was a rabid feminist and a wicked unloving mother and terrible house keeper all of a sudden over night? A rabid feminist who wouldn't allow him to discipline his own children? Or how about the social workers who ordered me to keep on living with him so they can continue getting paid to do an intervention to 'save' our family while we are all living under the same roof just before I left with our chidren to the women's shelter anyway? Or how about that receptionist in the Pediatricians office who was automatic assuming that all evidence that child abuse took place was all my doing while I was lying about it after she loved him as her bus driver into town each and every day for years? Or how about that one family doctor in a walk in clinic who only criticized me for not being a good co-parent while being concerned about how their father took our 2 children along on a hunting trips while they were only under the age of 6 when for example shoving my 4 1/2 year son onto the ground for not tying up his own shoe laces soon enough? After in the last marriage I was in before that when feeling that I felt like I had no choice when remaining to parent with a militarized brought up in the military prone to be violent behind closed doors towards me because of all the lies and gossip and misdiagnosis after domestic violence which got written into my health history which too a long time for me to prove wrong. Like a racist born in Britain psychiatrist and a visiting to our rural home self-righteous for awhile male public health nurse too and police whom I called too all who were in the habit of while I was telling them over and over again the truth then writing down in their notes only things like, "She is odd looking; Her speech is thick and her lips look swollen" The root of it all was more than one person with the love of money, concern of only maybe having to pay more taxes - and raketeering too.

Enabler is a really bad word. You're basically blaming the victim for not responding perfectly to an abuser...think of a different way to say it.

Wow. I’m not sure I’m understanding this correctly but you actually think dad should lie to mom about seeing the daughter? That’s really toxic. And as to the text - this can totally be taken out of context. My kids did this to me (over and over again) by starting a politically charged conversation and I was trying to explain something about a complicated propaganda piece called Europa that was scapegoating Jews again (just one example). Anyway I couldn’t string two sentences together without being attacked. Texting is a really great way to bait someone and I would say someone who’s showing the offending text to prove something vs getting clarification from the author is very likely baiting. The not assuming what people are thinking is a two way street.