Yeah,she's real-A real piece of shiztski,that is!

Here’s me hoping that this was meant to be taken in universe

She is real in his head lol

also atheists can still believe in aliens with unknown properties lol

i think he meant that Atheists cannot say that satan doesn’t exist since Theresa exists.

This actually sounds like a fun idea, could really play into the reputation of foxes as conspiratorial or trickster-like too, it sounds like itd be a neat short story

Thats like imagining if this book wasn't written by a complete God obsessed Hitler loving lunatic who wanted a super powered dictator waifu.

Even I edited my shitty writing in 2 minutes, he couldn't even bother to edit in 20 goddammit years

Isn't that how Naruto starts?

@@quietone2674 yes....... yes I believe it is

@@hannahananab9050 three guesses who made that review.

@@nukclear2741 Can I guess Michelangelo?

@@justin2308 don't know why you'd use one of the TMNT group.

@@nukclear2741 The Italian one, not the New Yorker. 😂

He was just jealous someone could paint a woman better than he could

She did compare herself to Hitler so that was bound to happen at some point-

@@CheesyGabite I specifically remember seeing a photo of Hitler feeding a squirrel a nut by hand. In fact, I think I have it downloaded somewhere on my hard drive. Do you think... maybe that was intentional?

Actually, the cover of the book shows her posing in front of soldiers doing target practice...

The chipmunk thing... Aren't they introducing a foreign species?!

It’s amazing how Norman wanted to make Teresa a good character only to have her be literally worse than Hitler.

What about the chipmunks? You cannot have a world saving plan without a greenhouse full of chipmunks

Retro but classic, with a pleasant twist at the end. This comment is well crafted. Bravo. 😁

My grandma called that "Getting married in a fever." it's as old fashioned of a statement as those married at 18 to the first boyfriend kinda thing, like you said.

what about getting married at 13, staying illiterate your entire life, and dying at 30?

@@deathstinger13 that goes waaayyy beyond old-fashioned, my friend. That’s some biblical shit right there!

@@Rachel98246 naw, more medieval/feudal. Life sucked for most of humanity through out all of human history, with it only improving in areas first during the renneisance, then into the late 19th and into the 20th century where life expectancy really started to climb

​@@deathstinger13 That's literally Victorian propaganda. In the Middle Ages most people married between 16-20 and if survived childhood lived to be in their 60's the least.

Hey, a beloved Brit neighbor! Want to start a friendly word jousting judging from what I read?

For such a Joan of Arc Stan as Norman was towards her, he has no qualms to shit on her homeland. You know, the one she died for?

As a german I would like to say it's our job too but we're too busy hating Berlin and Bavaria

Apparently he's of French Canadian descent and didn't learn english until he went to grade school, so I don't know whether that makes it more or less surprising.

@@ya9thelatinogringo Norman needs to pick a struggle

Can we get that previous president back? He had the right idea about nuking the crazy woman. His only mistake was doing it so convoluted. Wait for 2-3 weeks until she decides staying in an opulant mansion is just soooo hard and books another holiday to some inferior country she wants to belittle, then hide a nuke in the luggage compartment of the private jet you arranged for her because someone as important and wonderful as Theresa shouldn't have to put up with an riding coach in an airline like a mere plebian.

Thumbed up because winter is my favourite season. Norman is like one of those sunburned guys in Spain who complains about Spanish people speaking Spanish whilst drinking Stella Artois.

*laughs in tropics*

I’ve actually had nightmares where it was summer forever. In winter, you can keep layering up and huddling with other people until you’re warm. In summer, you can only get so naked before it becomes illegal. And even if you do outrun the cops, you’re already sweating because you just had to outrun the cops.

Getting rid of summer though......

Enough left for another hour long video. Maybe even 2.

@@Japaneseanimeguy Easily.

Combined, his 3 reviews are over 4 hours long, and Krimson is only about halfway through the book. May God have mercy on our souls.

Judging by the Wiki, we're up to Chapter 13 of 28. If Krimson averages between 4 to 6 chapters per episode, we're going to have at least 3 more.

@@skyblade7438 the what?

Given how often he inserts his personal grudges into the story, that makes so much sense

"Yeah, I didn't have a reservation at a fancy restaurant, so I sat myself and no one came to wait on me because I hadn't followed the proper channels - but *I* am the smart one here! I promise!"

Honestly, that almost makes too much sense.

I think the reader feels like they are totally numb

If you listen closely you can hear the book flatlining.

He probably thought the force from explosions are the same as wind

I laughed way too hard at that, thank you.

Well according to the laws of stupid, ice particles falling from the sky will make everything damp thus solving the rain problem... I guess

#ReinventingTheWheel #WhyMakeItSimpleIfWeCanMakeItConvoluted?

"Dumbass, didn't you ever watch The Core? If some natural process halts, you just nuke it until it starts working again."

The last guy who said Notre Dame was overrated tried to incinerate Paris for a girl

@@quicksilverchaos4122 when there was a hunchback living there

I still can’t believe that’s the official cover art. That’s what I did when I was twelve.

I kind of want to infuriate him and redo his cover, using it as a teaching tool of what not to do. I feel that as a british art student trained in France I have the perfect combo of all the knowledge he claims to have but cruelly lacks.

#nailedit

He's only halfway through the book, so that part was probably written something like 15 or 20 years before he started talking about it online

@Babba Yaaga fool Theresa is the antichrist.

@@Nitosa true

true

@@gorg6151 true

true

Ikr🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

It's even better. A fox piloted by an alien jizzed on her stomach and now she's THE MOST POWERFUL BEING WHO EVER LIVED

@BTIsaac so do norman's covers

@Dreams_in_ Clay then Norman would see a boob. We cannot have that.

I can draw better than that and I *still* hired a cover artist

It's also obvious that he's never actually been to the Louvre either. A) I had to elbow my way through a crowd to see the Mona Lisa and B) there's way more shit in there than can be seen in one day.

@@natkatmac Even outside of how wrong he is, his complaints are petty af. Theresa says Mona Lisa is boring because it was covered by a protective screen (oh no, imagine wanting to preserve a precious piece of art), because it was too small (buddy, it's a painting, not the wall of a house) and because there weren't many people at that moment looking at it (so she got lucky and went there on a not so crowded day) so my reaction was just "???". Yet she is supposed to be a genius... Okay, Norman.

Oh, he's never been to France. Those snooty French won't even speak English like normal people!

@Lonelyg33k43which in turns makes him look even more ridiculous.

It’s fucking mind boggling how that happened but it would be hilarious if they actually talked about fair lady Jeane* (Her original French mid I remember right) and went “oh she was nice and all and do some cool stuff I guess but sure, but at the end of the day she was just a crazy teenager girl who thought she was talking to God, but I have and Alien in me so I know where my power comes from.

Jeanne.

I read that as caterpillars and was so confused

A fairly big boy

@Ori Windsor Theresa is now a reality bender. Huh.

@@skyjack1 Always has been

This plot point of “no wind” has always annoyed me to no end. Wind is literally just the movement of air that is different temperature and the movement of Earth. Cold air sinking and warm air rising, that’s it. So unless Hal is somehow keeping all air inside the atmosphere at a constant temperature while also stopping the Earths movement, then there should still be wind. If he did do those things, then everyone on Earth would either all die immediately, due to being flung for miles at the stop of rotation, or dead in weeks due to the entire Earth either freezing or flooding since the temp would either be a constant above freezing or constant below freezing.

At least those guys pay in blood for their power jumps instead of sycophantic enablement and not even a smattering at a character arc. Goku ended up in a full body cast after the FIRST arc of Z, and DIED at the start of it.

@@aivilo9892 And this isn't even Theresa's FINAL FORM!!!!!!!!!|!

You forgot the part where she eliminates the pressure system OF AN ENTIRE FUCKING PLANET

but yet he can't start the wind

*create elements out of other elements *put the entire world into stasis without nature taking everything over *discover immortality

I have been to the Louvre and seen Mona Lisa in person, can verify that it is very disappointing considering the build-up. I actually saw more of the paintings around it than Mona Lisa herself since the room was packed full of people.

@@treadingwater86 If you look into it, the reason why the Mona Lisa became "the most famous painting in the world" has nothing to do with the painting itself, or even that it was made by Leonardo da Vinci. In fact, it's not even a unique painting; there are almost half a dozen variants of it, all made by Leonardo, with some being prototypes and other being versions using different techniques. No, the reason why it's hyped up to be this super-important cultural keystone is because it was stolen in 1911, just around the time newspapers became a global industry, and it created an enormous wave, with various papers trying to outdo each other with headlines and covering the case for months on end. Then, when it was recovered over two years later, it started another round of media frenzy, and it ended up entrenched in the public consciousness as the most important painting ever, even though until that point, it was considered to be a pretty unremarkable piece outside of some Parisian high-art circles. In fact, you could even say that Leonardo da Vinci himself became such a household name (as opposed to many other renaissance polymaths who didn't get a mutant ninja turtle named after them) precisely because the media circus exhausted every single venue to talk about the stolen painting, including disseminating everything about its creator, from his genuinely impressive artwork to his weird and wacky drawings about flying machines and whatever else that stuck his fancy. In other words, the next time you lament the fact that seemingly random pieces of unremarkable (or worse) entertainment, like Hello Neighbor, FNaF, or various movies and TV shows become big just by riding the media hype train and controversy, remember that this isn't something new or remarkable.

@@Horvath_Gabor That is actually interesting, I didn't think about that.

That is one of the most unrealistic parts. If Chipmunks were on a banned list. No way they're coming in.

thanks, I died.

Obvious liar.

Drop bears ate all the chipmunks in Australia unfortunately.

you're thinking about squirells, chipmunks are only found in north america and asia, i think

@@angeIgf I JUST REALISED THIS MONTHS LATER K AS KFJSJF honestly i blame this on freaking alvin and the chipmunks, that in my mother language they translated to squirrels

Pine Cone I’ve actually been in Paris and seen Mona-Lisa when I was a child. The painting was smaller than I’d anticipated and I felt kinda disappointed because I’d imagined a grand painting. However, I still appreciated the art and instead of just shitting on an entire country I moved on with my life. It’s a painting?? I don’t understand why Norman is throwing a tantrum over a painting’s size.

i love your mind

Norman has obviously never tried painting before, nor has he realised how much effort even a small oil painting takes

@@Rose-xe4ct I remember the louve to be PACKED in this single room and every one was looking at this rather small o.k. painting, but on the other wall there was this huuuge painting (like 3×4meters or so) and everyone was ignoring it. My mother and I spend like 40minutes looking at all the details in it.

@@lauramarschmallow2922 The Wedding at Cana is a beautiful piece! I did like Mona, but it didn't blow me away as much. Also, I don't think Norman's ever been to the Louvre. There is ***never*** any time when the Mona Lisa's room isn't packed to the gills during open hours. Edit: Also, the Notre Dame has fucking pews. So many pews. It's a working cathedral, for Zeus' sake.

But that means having to make the story interesting and Theresa is a good girl~ /s

Not gonna lie that sounds both like a good kids story and a Stephen King premise.

I assume you enjoy partaking in a refreshing Tropicana beverage?

Did you write Evangelion?

Sounds like End of Evangelion.

And nobody eats anything minty ever again!

I can't remember the last time I finished the game in the thousands and thousands of hours I poured into the game. I think I only beat the game like twice because of all the stuff to do.

BUT THE CHIPMUNKS, MAN! THE CHIPMUNKS!!!

Don’t attack me like this man

Gotta level HAL up some way

And the worse part, no guards will help cause they've all taken an arrow to the knee.

Onision and Norman are actually great foils to each other. Both are utterly terrible writers and not particularly good people either, but the former is extremely anti-religion and has excessively graphic scenes at the expense of the book, while the latter is very religious and makes everything family friendly but fails at it.

Ah yes, two extremes of the spectrum.

Ah yes. The two genders. Onion and Theresa.

@@skyblade7438 its like a weeb fantasizing about a character he created (i.e. waifu) only except Norman here never heard of anime before.

A match made in hell i'd say...

From the terrible bowls ive seen people put betta fish in, you're selling yourself short for having done any amount research lmfao

Theresa could have just brought the wind back somehow instead of this nonsense but I guess Norman thought or could do better than the system everything has evolved around. Or given he’s Christian better than literal god.

If he had just wrote it as "Theresa fixes the problem because magic" that would be a lot better than his incorrect psuedo science mumbo jumbo

I work selling plants and the amount of times people ask me "Well if I move my pots inside the house where it's warm they'll last longer!!" and I have to repeatedly explain plants and flowers NEED periods of cold. That's just not how nature WORKS.

she can literally just put herself in a dangerous situation were she would need wind to survive as Hal for some reason is very keen in letting his hosts alive it would brong the wind back (it's kindda dumb and I though about it just now, but is still much better than what we got)

Also she may insult Paris not because "France is bad" but because she is such an awfull mental space and pressure that she simply can't see nothing good on the place that is "forcing her to stop" so she criticizes and hates everything even though is no ones fault

Dude it's great but stop doing more work than Norman did. Save it for your own, clearly much higher quality, narratives. :P

This comments section is just writing Norman's book for him

Not gonna lie, the characterisation was so poor that I forgot who Hal is. When Kyle listed off the TV interview in Chapter 6, I was wondering what the fuck was going on. This book makes a low grade porno look like Hamlet.

Wait, there are chipmunks in Paris? Were they imported and went feral or something?

BugPope I honestly have no idea, but I’ve seen them during trips to France

Chipmunks are mostly native to North America but there is a Siberian chipmunk that became an exotic pet in some areas of Europe. It also somehow spread to Japan.

To be fair to Parisians, they have to put up with tourists just like Theresa and Steve on a regular basis. It's kinda like expect politeness from a New Yorker.

Parisians being rude is mainly due to the other points you made. They pay a shitload of rent for tiny shared appartments, food, they deal with tons of international idiots all year, ...

Hey Doomlord can we time out? I wanna do this side quest for the big tiddy goth gf.

Something you can actually do in ffxiv. If you are doing msq but need to wait a while for duty finder to pop you can go level Fisher despite the urgency of the msq and how NPCs treat it. You can even leave said important thing for days because you've decided you want a level 80 fisher.

You know that could be like a funny short story like the entire world is going to end but, the characters are just goofing around with sides quests and stuff the world ending force is just sitting there waiting for the characters maybe even trying to kill them before they decide to go fight it.

I actually wanted to you 2 around with the idea of an rpg game where all quests are tuned the second they are taken, much like Dead Rising. Like, you're asked to save a girl from the wolves in the forest. You take the quest and fuck off to do whatever else. When you finally come back to that quest, you find the girl long since eaten, and maybe a couple more bones are added to the pile. Unfortunately, I am below zero in gamedev, but hey, someone might like the idea.

@@JeanMarceaux Wasteland 2 does something similar to that. If you leave the area to go level somewhere else, you instantly fail the quest.

Imagine if he learns how students actually work.

With how random and chaotic HAL is to ''save" it's host, he would probably do something like make the atmosphere super damp that the sulfur can't go off or something.

@@Nitosa Congrats, you have make the story a LOT more interesting. Theresa and ignore no wind, but can she ignore a flood?

​@@Nitosaif the book was actually about how everytime she tries to fix things Hal just creates a new apocalypse it may actually be really interesting (and it was written by someone competent).

A Godly Sue. Keep her as far away from Daniel from 'Ræpers Creek' as you can!

@@QJ89 A lAw SuEt

A Virgin Mary Sue? ... I'll see myself out.

God mode Sue

Hahaha. This Theresa-Propaganda inside the books is so exorbitant that I'm inclined to think that all this is real and was just wiped from everyones Memory using Alien-Tech! And now someones tries to bring her back and make Propaganda for her!

She'd already killed all the birds capable of flight, either by turning them into snacks for foxes and other carnivores or by having them fall out of the sky when she hit the off switch on the wind, what's one more species after that.

@@whiskeyhound Also plants who rely on wind to pollinate, predators who use scents carried by wind to locate prey, and pretty sure she crashed a few planes and gliders who couldn't react to the sudden lack of current in time.

@@ZorotheGallade Yep, good thing the world has a "hero" like theresa to save it from herself.

Hey, she's a God. Knock knock Who's there God, let me in Why So I can save you from what I'm going to do to you if you don't let me in.

NOT THE POLAR BEARS

A lot like that one episode of the Twilight Zone with the boy with incredible powers who basically has a whole town under his control who have to obey his every whim or he'll make their lives miserable.

But it's cold and wet! D,:

So are your summer rains.

I mean I hate winter but I agree with this sentiment

I think it is Norman's way of connecting to some kind of audience he thinks he'd build. Honestly though, isn't a huge part of Catholicism (and most other religions) is to not worship false deities? Theresa has random god powers and people worship her, referring to her as a savior etc. isn't that supposed to be against her views?

@@rachelmoreau9576 Her entire behaviour constantly goes against every bit of her religion. She is constantly messing with "god's plan" because she clearly thinks she can do better. God gave the world 4 seasons. God created wind and rain and all the species reliant on specific environments. Theresa's first global move? Stop the wind and rain, destroy all ecological niches she doesn't care about, remove 3 of 4 seasons and *literally spin the fucking planet around* as if it's a marble to play with. Not to mention her utter disregard for desireable vs forbidden traits. A "good catholic girl" is never vain, greedy, selfish, and lazy. A good catholic girl devotes herself to others, loving all of god's creations, keeps her own desires in moderation, is humble and diligent and acts devout to god in all aspects of life (and subservient to her father/husband, if you wanna be classic about it). Yea it sounds pretty not-fun by modern standards, but basically, in Catholicism, life should be suffering and self-sacrifice to show god that you can keep yourself in check, for which you will be rewarded in the afterlife. Theresa has so far not ONCE shown any of those traits whatsoever, instead she has been utterly self-obsessed, completely vain in what she thinks of herself and extremely lazy when tasked with literally saving the world from her own fuck-up. Not to mention accepting a ton of money for having done nothing at all to the point where she is now laughing about not having to work at all ever. That's already 4 of the capital sins. And she has absolutely killed some people knowingly, mind you, since she literally said she knows people who aren't getting out of the way of her plan fast enough will die but she is fine with that. Murder is, unsurprisingly, amongst the worst transgressions against faith possible. I'm not Catholic myself but I grew up in a very traditionalist catholic region, so regardless of my own lack of faith, the views on what is a virtue and what is a sin I was raised with are strongly influenced by that, and I can safely say that this book would be absolutely appalling to anyone who truly believes, because Theresa is literally the antithesis to the "good catholic girl" she claims to be. It's as if Norman read that good catholic girls should be chaste and pure and figured as long as that single aspect us met, nothing else matters - and heck, he even fails on that ONE aspect because he constantly oversexualizes her anyways.

honestly though

Well, Teresa is a Catholic girl who thinks that Hal was made because of the Big Bang or something, so take of that what you will.

@@classiccustoms2010 Doesn't Catholicism currently say that Big Bang was used by God to create the world?

Captain Planet? This is an *AVENGERS* level threat!

@@trygveplaustrum4634 Well she's fucking up the environment. Besides, Ma-Ti is probably strong enough to solve this on his own.

@@dracorex426 That's true. Do you suppose Ferngully could handle this?

@@trygveplaustrum4634 Does anyone from that have mind control powers, the ability to tear a soul from its body, and/or the power to instantly stop someone's heart? Or, like, the ability to summon Captain Planet? Or the ability to control a classical element?

@@dracorex426 No, but they CAN shrink someone down to bug size and teach them a valuable lesson about the environment! In the movies, it was, "Don't cut down trees!" I figure "Don't water bomb the world!" is about as blunt enough to get across, lol.

Ah yes, the tunnel of B O N E S

"I fucked the world halfway to destruction just to save my ass, which I didn't even need to do because I can asspull any power I want at will and have plot armor as thick as a bunker wall. People worshipped me for saying I MIGHT put in some effort to fix the mess I made in the first place. I fucked up the rest of the world by basically just pushing a button that the plot shoved in front of me and took all the credit for it. Man being perfect is so tiring."

YourPrivateNightmare lol Norman would probably write the noise out

Fun fact,: In another horribly written story that didn't science right, MAGNETOS EVIL PLAN WAS TO TILT THE EARTHS AXIS! Theresa is officially carrying out the actual plot of a comic book supervillain intent on the extinction of the human race! >

Sounds like my OC, ngl Except she listens to anyone who looks like a dad

Ultimatum, right?

YourPrivateNightmare Oh,c'mon-Please don't compare this POS character to the mad Titan,just don't.. *_dude._*

Same, Theresa needs to talk to a doctor about Vyvanse

Yes, this comment is quite applicable to my life as well.

I feel like even with ADHD I'd have the anxiety adrenaline kicking in right now with yanno, world ending

everyone has ADHD

People can still focus when they’re bored?

*Pours wine with malicious intent and horns sinisterly*

I can hear the sound of countless French people "honhon"ing menacingly

25 french men in leather jackets exit the shadows tapping baguettes in their hands rhythmically

@@agencymenace1090as a frenchman I feel obligated to notify that this is extremely accurate

@@thoschgold6436 are YOU one of the frenchmen that tapped menacingly at me when I visited france?

actually if she was dead the whole time then it would make the most sense if theresa didn't actually come back to life. she died in the ocean and then HAL took over

I like to think this is all in Theresa’s mind and the coke thing didn’t work out, so, the book is literally just her in an imaginary world where she is super human because in reality she jumped out of a safe plane and can’t face death.

I'm not the only one who thinks Theresa is the anti-christ! Halle-fuckin-lujah!

Well she does say "Dont talk to this thing. Its like talking to the devil" when she was ten. now shes actually trying to comminicate/control HAL i.e. talk/control "the devil"

@@Redbird-dh7mu It's like the plot of Persona Q, but without the emotions... or anything good.

Zelda watching me play BOTW and run a traveling medicine business with my beloved horse Misango instead of saving her, the Champions, and Ganon:

Me in Witcher 3 collecting all Gwent cards and winning every horse race instead of saving my adopted child

Me 100%ing sumeru instead of stopping the watery doom of fontaine:

Perhaps not in Paris itself, because I have actual doubts about him being there at any point. But something similar might've happened, who knows.

He went to a restaurant and didn't follow the dress code. Very likely.

@@crowdemon_archives This probably happened to him at Olive Garden cause knowing how smart he is, he probably thinks Olive Garden is french.

Norman probably never left Massachusetts but he probably had a scenario like that happened to him where he couldn’t follow basic directions, misconstrued the entire situation, and acted like a total Karen.

I'm not sure why you're bringing up Onision here but yeah, that's accurate.

@@SorowFame I've been bingeing KrimsonRogue's videos and this is where the algorithm brought me after the Onision book reads so they were very fresh in my mind

@@SorowFame Because before this his books were the worst thing the KR reviewed and it;'s a weirdly apt foil in some ways.

@@noahkarpinski1824 God imagine if there actually was a school shooting in this book. Theresa's solution would most likely be to just make anyone who holds a firearm disintegrate into a fucking blood cloud on the spot.

“And what are ways you solve it?”

#Florida

I went to New York and Chicago for some summer vacations, and let me tell you: If they weren't such big, interesting cities, I wouldn't bother visiting.

If summer is a year long thing, there are species in ecosystems that are now threatened by her actions due to those areas requiring a winter for their species to continue existing. The folly of ignorantly playing god, heh.

Or Florida. She’s turning it into Florida

She's gonna give everyone swamp ass for all of eternity.

And for quoting the Bible so much, Norman seems to have forgotten the part where Paul gets called Jupiter and he tells everyone to not do that. Y'know. Cause it's blasphemy.

@@CorpusCacus I can't believe it's already been 2 years since I wrote that comment. Time flies! I sometimes come back to these videos to experience the journey all over again. Why am I so obsessed with a bad book I've never even read? What's wrong with me? 😆

I didn't know about the veil, that's so interesting, thanks. It really shows how even if you think you know something, there is always more, especially details to be found.

Not to mention Notre Dame. Him talking about it being just “a pile of rocks” dismisses how much of an undertaking it was for people in the 12th century to move giant stones up several hundred feet without the use of modern technology, and how groundbreaking the ideas of rib vaulting and flying buttresses were in keeping the cathedral from collapsing in on itself. Even after the 2019 fire, people will still be talking about how much of an artistic and technological marvel it was and are striving to rebuild it in a way that still does her ladyship justice, while his magnum opus will be lucky to be a doorstop, let alone what he called a footnote in dusty old history books.

@@addicted2mako "Just a pile of rocks" Yeah, everything can sound simple and stupid if you reduce their entire complex construction and cultural impact that building has to only one of its many elements. Disrespecting Notre Dame and Mona Lisa doesn't make you intelligent and unique, Norman, it just makes you an ignorant asshole.

Okay I’m still laughing at “Mona Theresa”

Personally, the entirety of the Paris trip sounds like it happened to Norman. I imagine he was disappointed by the Mona Lisa himself and that he went to an upscale restaurant underdressed and seated himself while grinning like the Cheshire cat.

I am almost suprised she doesn't produce porn as happy as she is about being watched and gawked at. But sending atheists to live on a moon shaped like her face, oh sorry, this is empress theresa, But sending atheists to live on a moon shaped like her body, her beautiful face to plump buttocks and cleavage is just the absolute best thing, I wish that happend

Some of it sounds like something straight out of early Metalocalypse, especially number 6 Number 3 reminds me of a joke from a movie Dictator (2012), where a titular ruler changed half of his country's dictionary to his name, including "positive" and "negative", making any conversation quite difficult Unfortunately for Norman, those stuff were meant to be ridiculous

6 sounds like somting an inquisitor from 40k would do for the fun of it

This comment is highly underrated! 😆

@@maxthepaladin2147 or that one episode of Archer which is a parody of that. Where a dictator changes so many words to his dogs name. Girpgork. Does that mean snake, bread, or dog? The answer is yes.

You can spend like 24 hours in the Louvre and still find something new to look at

Even just the architecture of a building like that, is something to look at

@@piscis210 I can attest to that, we spent a good few hours in the Louvre when we visited Paris a few years back with only a few things we absolutely wanted to hit (the Mona Lisa, The Egypt-exhibit, and Napoleon's Suite) and we were still running at the end to be able to see what we had planned. You would need an entire weekend to truly see it all.

Except the few times it demands one, and you'd rather burn everyone you see then deal with a timer

When I play Skyrim I have a hard time being mean to the NPCs, so I mostly do and say nice things. But every once in a while I go on a murdering rampage and kill everyone in a city because they annoy me so much. Then I reload, feeling refreshed. I think Theresa does not know how to reload a save, so she needs to act out her aggression by "accidentally" causing one catastrophe after another.

@@Brandiwell Maybe Theresa has multiple saves, this book just happens to be the save where she fucks everything up on purpose, which means there's another reality where Theresa actually uses her powers for good and helpful things.

@@vanessaatalanta2475 god, that would be a cool story. Theresa actually is Godlike, somehow. A good story could have this story essentially be her going “lol, this life? Imma just indulge in whatever dumb shit I want. Fuck it. I’ve lived all these good lives, strategically played bad ones where I start up NWOs. I’m just gonna go AWOL this time.” She’s not happy about any of this, this is a last desperate attempt to find enjoyment in her new life.

Or like the Sims

Since you're on the other hemisphere, wouldn't be eternal winter for you guys?

@@MrRemicas 🤔 you make an excellent point. Maybe I really should send my sincere thanks to our benevolent Empress Theresa

Shifting the tilt of the earth from 23 to 5 degrees would remove the seasons almost entirely. This would cause the poles to cool down while the equator would be heating up and varying degrees of either heating or cooling in between depending on your distance to one of the two. Where i live, in northen Sweden, this would mean eternal winter. Down in Brittain and Germany it would mean eternal autumn, but a colder than usual autumn. Fuck empress Theresa! She doomed us!

Your arch nemesis the emus would be to tho soooo?

​@@germangamingvideos6069 Wow, you're so right. If it means we finally see an end to the Great Emu War, it's a sacrifice I might be willing to take

kzfaq.info/get/bejne/fZOfl5R3y87Ig2Q.html

I don't get that problem. Pushing and pulling are basically the same thing anyway.

@@MaestroAlvis the issue is where the force comes from. If gravity pushes it's above us for some reason when it's actually pulling from the Earth's core

Maybe Theresa actually lives on some weird inside out planet.

DIO: "do you believe in Gravity?"

Gro pamer

Oh my god his hair actually does look kind of like Jesus i cant unsee it now

Do you mean the specific guy named Jesus that has a youtube channel? Or the specific guy that ppl call "youtube Jesus" to make fun of him?

@@Rowan_A_Boat They mean book Jesus: Krimson Rouge. Hes thin and has long straight hair. Thats all it takes to be Jesus these days.

@@noahkarpinski1824 You can understand my confusion tho

That's actually pretty good! You actually feel Theresa's emotions

Can you re write the entire book jk lol

if the whole book was written in this style it'd at least be readable. Though hopefully a rewrite would also include Teresa being the unintentional villain of the story

@@Romanticoutlaw she ends up getting arrest and panicking because everyone was worshipping her and she doesnt understand consequences

​@@RomanticoutlawMy rewrite would leave everything the same but add a new chapter "Theresa's mother sobbed gently as she clasped her daughter's hand. The room was deathly silent, save for the noise of the machinery keeping Theresa alive. Her mother gently squeezed her hand before pounding her fist on the table and crying out to God. "How could you do this to me?! She's just a child!" Her mind flashed back to three months prior, shortly after arriving in Paris to celebrate Theresa's graduation. They collected their suitcases from the airport baggage claim, and ventured outside into the cool spring air. Theresa was overjoyed to take in the new scenery, pulling out her camera to snap a number of pictures. She was so enveloped in her photography, that she neglected to realize she had wandered onto a busy avenue. Without any warning, a bus crested the hill and upon seeing a young girl standing in the road attempted to avoid her- but the collision was inevitable. The impact caused a number of fractures and internal injuries that within days left her in a vegetative state. Her mother held up hope as she was showing an abundance of brain activity, but she had become unresponsive. Day after day, Theresa's mother returned to the small French hospital, hoping for some sign of improvement but change never came. She stared blankly into her daughter's closed eyes, her soul devoid of joy and of emotion from the ordeal. Today was the day the head doctor would be taking her daughter off life support, ending any hope of recovery. A brief knock was heard at the door, and what was left of her heart sank. It was time. A team of doctors and nurses solemnly entered the room, offering condolences and doing their best to comfort Theresa's mother. This was it. She couldn't bear to watch, and instead opted to sit outside the room. Her mind was again flooded with the memories of raising Theresa, as well as the wonderfully inventive stories her daughter would tell. She was a natural storyteller, often receiving praise from teachers and other students. Theresa had loved to revel in her own worlds and creations, often imagining herself as the ruler of the world and as a great hero. The disheveled and exhausted woman was snapped back to awareness by a hand on her shoulder. She slowly raised her eyes to see the head doctor softly nodding and returning to the room. It was more than she could handle, and she collapsed into the fetal position, sobbing hysterically. If only she had been able to see her daughter one more time. Surely the stories Theresa was crafting in her vegetative state must have been her most exhilarating and exciting yet. But unfortunately, she would never know. Her sobs became weak whimpers as she lay broken on the cold tile floor."

especially considering jesus explicitly states that if you pray for something hard enough, it will happen. that's a literal description of theresa's powers, "my will be done".

He says the book is secular because Theresa never mentions god or what he does. Despite her talking about god quite often. I think the space thing might have been his attempt to appeal to a wider audience.

He could be one of those religious devotees who truly believe science itself is evidence of God's will

As a Catholic myself I can tell you this book was not written by someone with solid faith. When you truly believe, you don't need to discredit other's belief or in this case disbelief. It's like those teenagers who scoff at other people's music taste to feel superior. Not to mention is to ramp up even more Theresa's status as a Mary Sue, she was literally chosen by God, therefore those who oppose her, also oppose God.

That's a no true scotsman you threw out there. "He's not REALLY a catholic if he does [x]!" Nah shut up, you don't get to decide if someone really believes or not, you can't read minds. Him being an asshole just means that he is an asshole, it says nothing about the validity of his beliefs.

Does Norman think "infinite" and "can be replaced" are interchangable? Oh god, Norman is one of those kids whose parents told him his rabbit just magically changed colour one day and then lived to be 30 and he never stopped believing them, isn't he?

It's like he wanted to make Teresa's powers into a glass cannon, but didn't know how

my gun has infinite bullets, i only have to reload every so often

@@jeova0sanctus0unus Humans are immortal, they just have to reproduce every generation.

My brain has infinite patience for this... book? Only I needed a break every second.

Naaah that'd be too consistent

Too logical.

Now you see, that idea has a massive, very obvious problem: That would actually make _sense_

That is, without a doubt, the *simplest* solution to this I have seen in the time of casually going through these comments. I feel stupid for not thinking of it.

The world is ending, people have bigger things going than oggling a painting.

@@shabath well nobody is ACTING like the world is ending so maybe norman is just being a pretentious plank of wood

Why did you censor jail

@@hydras5947 omg I bursted out laughing at your comment. I didnt even notice he did that. I'm just used to KZfaq being over censored at this point.

Hydra S you mean j**l

Being dissapointed in Paris is an actual issue. Its called "Paris Syndrome". Still doesn't excuse Norman being a snobby, arrogant asshole through her self-insert Mary Sue

@@bobbiwithani7396 I personally don't censor my comments 'cause I don't like to bullshit my words. Like, you can type jailbait, suicide, and porn, etc. without consequence on here.

BYE, just about EVERY arctic/ sub arctic dwelling species on the face of the earth! Welcome to the perpetually moist hell of insects/ mosquitoes that our God-Queen has condemned us to! You liked Penguins, Seals, or Polar Bears? FUCK 'EM. We have SLUGS nao, bitch!

Let's tidal lock the entire planet. I'm sure that won't be a mass extinction event.

@Brina Owens Well hey, look on the bright side, with water floating out of the planet maybe it'll go to Mars and life will blossom on a Theresa-free planet.

I mean speak for yourself be I actually need winter. Edit: This comment may have been prompeted by my innability to go skiing this winter because the weather was freekishly warm in Norway.

@@MissCaraMint it was also abnormally warm in upstate New York

Theresa is a good Catholic girl. She just thinks she can do better than God, that's all!

@@1Thunderfire Challenging God is a beeeeeeeeg no-no.

@@1Thunderfire Sounds like she fits in with the Vatican II Novus Ordo "Catholics".

@@1Thunderfire Theresa can not only be compared to Hitler, but also Satan. What a shock.

Not to mention that Jews have a custom called the Shmita year, every seven years we don’t replant or harvest to let the land “rest” (the idea is you actually lend the field to unprivileged and they tend to it, giving them some food and a chance to get on their feet during said year) You can’t have light without shadow, you can’t have summer without winter. You gotta accept good and bad together

The part about everyone being weirdly calm cut to an ad for State of Survival with a zombie horde shuffling around the streets.

I'm pretty sure there's so many things interesting in USA (never been there, so IDK lol), but somehow chipmunks are the only thing that sticks out...?

I tend to mock Parisians on principle because I'm in the province, but even I'll admit that the snob was oozing off Norman for the entire French bit. Also "I'm in France so obviously in Paris, there's nowhere else in France to go"... No one told him that there are like 100 castles everywhere and one city has a giant steampunk elephant that you can ride.

I'd travel to Gordes myself, some of the most beautiful lavender fields in the world.

@@Grayvorn If nature and landscapes is what you're looking for, yeah, better get away from the capital. Personnaly, I recommend the Ardèche and the Pyreneans mountains.

See how Theresa was hailed as british and britain considered "one of their own" despite her being American, i think Norman really wants to be british. Because it is stereotype that brits and french hates each other and Norman being a idiot, Norman thinks he has to dunk on france as well.

@@moontokkym_art We totally deserve thoses mockeries, and make our owns about the provincials ^^ I understand that an Americain think first of Paris when comming to France, but judging the entire country based on that... Pretty sure that if I go to Washington DC then proclaim that every US citizens is like them, I'll piss quite a number of people.

I never knew I wanted to know that, but now I do. Thank you, best of luck with your chipmunks.

I used to work as a the waterfront director for a summer camp and there was these three chipmunks that would hang out in my office. Kids started trying to play with them so I had to chase off the chipmunks :(

@@FumblsTheSniper ALVIN!

Is it possible to feel a negative amount of surprise that Norman didn't bother looking that up?

This just shows that Norman puts less thought and research into his story than the best fan fiction writers do.

There are not chipmunks in Europe. Those are squirrels.

Laura Rola CAN. RELATE. even on my worst writing days. It’s better than this.

If empress teresa got published, (self published or not) so can we

Honestly I somewhat fear that the stuff I make would be bad but I always keep in mind that if a end up somehow making something that's bad as this at least ill respond to the criticisms better.

Dared Rogers this is also relatable

Yeah actually these kind of books motivate me back to write. If he can write whatever he wants and get us to watch hours and hours of content about it.. i can write a story that has an impact on the reader!

Shit and that would also legitimately explain how she keeps screwing up everything 😲

I'll pretend Norman has always intended to write a fanfic novel about his goodest dog Theresa

@@margoatfinch Unfortunately, it's some twisted idea of Joan of Arc.

What platform is he going to release it on? Will it be a Steam exclusive or will he try and put it on the Switch?

How much does your dog plan to charge for the game?

@@Grumplebumple and is he going to be adding dlc? is he going to pull an EA and add loot boxes containing different frisbees/courses?

Is this game gonna pull a Duck Season or FNAF and have deeper lore?

Sadly, it's chipmunks. Not squirrels. The reason I make that distinction is because chipmunks are actually annoying little bastards whereas squirrels can be decent. I live in an area where the second you get into the country, you have to be a little wary of chipmunks, not squirrels. My grandparents were waging a slight war on them for a few years there and there is still some remains of what they had to do to keep the chipmunks away from their stuff. Sorry about the rant, I think I just couldn't believe someone would want to be surrounded by those things rather than something less mean.....like rabbits.

Most of the stupidest things I heard is that the characters said that chipmunks were not found in Paris or other European countries. And worst of all, that they just trafficked those small animals to her. Like why?

@@AlienFaun invasive species are just so cute as they demolish the wilderness

@@jackhazardous4008 Oh absolutely. Especially ones that are a Bitch to keep in containment. There's no way there haven't been some escapees from Theresa's greenhouse.

Imagine the smell in there.. A bunch of chipmunks in a small enclosure (they already smell) with their "litle chipmunk poos" everywhere.

Yes

and if it has multiple editions, (especially classics that have been in circulation for decades, had different authors, or have been translated from other languages), it would be nearly impossible to decode even if you could discern the title.

Well, let me try to summarize. Good catholic girl gets superpowers from an alien. The government tries to kill her. She accidentally stops the wind. She decides that planetary mist will make for an acceptable substitute. I'm getting the feeling Norman did not write any form of an outline that would allow this plot to make coherent sense...

I got a shorter one: An idiot with big boobs gets superpowers and unintentionally destroys the world.

To shorten it further: A story about a Mary Sue

Don't feel bad, I don't think the author knew what it was about either

Too shorten it EVEN FURTHER- Ew

Some quick math I decided to do says it'd take around 6:45 minutes, and would have an impact velocity of around 14,000 km/h (or almost 9,000 miles an hour). That's assuming that air resistance wouldn't come into effect, which is a fair assuming considering that 500 miles is twice the orbit of the ISS

@@theencolony5595 good job on figuring that out!

@@theencolony5595 Wouldn't it vaporize upon atmospheric entry? Though 12 miles is a lot so who knows...

@@ryanli5803 nah, there might be (at most) a few hundred meters of ice that gets removed, but that'd be nothing compared to the falling ice that's taller than earth's atmosphere. If you want to hear how that would imapct the earth, here's a similar thing about dropping a mountain: what-if.xkcd.com/57/

@@theencolony5595 yea you wouldn't need to count air resistance because norman deleted it with the wind.

I thought they were going to have the police called on them, but that might have actually been interesting. in all seriousness though, why would they not think of the restaurant not seeing their attire as appropriate? hell, if the people being seated were dressed as fancy as it sounds, why would they not think they need a reservation?

I swear the entirety of Paris just reads like Norman's IRL vacation to Paris that didn't go as well as he expected, so he vented about it by making it a part of his book.

@@jackhazardous4008 I was thinking the exact same thing. The way he described the events in that section feel much too detailed compared to the rest of his writing.

@@jackhazardous4008 kinda reminds me of I is Hellsing's mangaka destroyed London because of a bad experience in it.

no thats just norman being a dumbass its just him

This book doesn’t have enough obnoxious outfit descriptions.

@@Kerfuffle312 To be fair, the book's front cover does that job adequately.

Enoby was more fun

I still remember when several friends and I tried to make a collaborative seriously-toned audiobook of that while in high school (we figured that making it sound like we were taking it seriously would make it funnier to listen to). It was a noble effort, but we didn't even make it halfway through before we just couldn't handle it anymore. Plus, having to re-read pretty much every other line like two dozen times before we could manage to avoid trailing off into laughter or cringe-induced silence made it a real time sink. Not to mention it was often confusing which of us was supposed to be reading since it wasn't always clear which character was speaking.

Agreed, this would have worked perfectly as one of those "the hero is undone by their own hubris" stories, but nooo.