Hi I'm Dr. Julie subscribe & follow me for lots more videos on mental health and psychology. For more on this see my new no.1 bestselling book - Why has nobody told me this before? 👉 linktr.ee/drjuliesmith

_To understand a person... You must swim in the same water that drowned them_

"you dont look depressed" "I'm sorry, i didnt know depression was a fashion statement"

Sometimes a hug with no words is the best.

I hate it when people say "other people have it so much worse"

"are you afraid of death?" "No" "but why?" "cause life scares me more than death ever can"

It’s like when kids are stressed out because of all the pressures of modern life and their parents just angrily ask; “what have you got to be stressed about?”

"Don't be depressed." the best one yet.

“It’s okay to not be okay”

The top one has got to be the “just smile and think happy/positive” 💀☠️ been told that a lot

When people told me there's no reason for me to be depressed, I have all the best things in the world.. I felt so much guilty and I started to believe that it's actually just in my head.. Later on I read someone's KZfaq comment that "asking a person how can they be depressed, is asking a person how can you have asthma when there's so much air"... I finally felt after so many years that someone actually gave a voice to that opinion.. Sometimes it really hurts that people we don't know understand us better than the ones we know💔

That's why people who are actually in depression doesn't SHARE!!! These days people use the word depression when they are just upset about something and write things on their social media about their "depression story". 😢 Sad but true.

I've had all these said to me, I'm 13 with diagnosed depression and when I told me sister she laughed. She says I dont have a reason, and it's fake. My mom says I can just snap out of it. Love your videos Dr.Julie.

"You don't look depressed " I know I try 😃

“listen, ive just been diagnosed with depression..” “…well, *somewhere, there are orphan kids whos cold starving, their life are so much worse , you dont have reasons to be depressed”* 💀 like who in the name of god would say that to a depressed person?😭😭

thank you for adding subtitles. my English is not so fast yet, but thanks to you i can understand the information that is important to me

This made me so happy.. As someone who has had depression for 14 years... This made me smile

I told a friend that I think I am depressed and she didn’t give it a second thought and said ‘no your not’. I act differently around other people and show different personalities. I do have a real personality but I only I know me. So she just dismissed my feelings because of how I seem. She then went on to describe how she thinks she has depression not me. Now I don’t know how she feels but I don’t think it’s right for her to dismiss me and turn the attention on her when I had finally opened up to her. I’m not ever opening up to her again. And now she asks why I don’t talk to her as much. Edit: She has now apologised, we are friends, and I have recently found out that she was diagnosed with depression aged 10, but no longer has it. She is helping me through now. Thank you! Have a great day!! Edit 2: Also when she said she has depression not me, I did listen and was very nice and understanding, not rude, and helped her, made sure she was ok. I just was annoyed inside my head Edit: Good news, I have recovered. Am feeling 100 percent better and am happy. Currently grieving the loss of a friend who I recently found out died, except my mum told me the wrong info. So her sister died, not her. Truly tradgic, rose was an amazing person, I miss her so much. I am very confused about how I feel currently as thought my friend was dead for 3 years but now I have found out she is not. Does anyone have any advice? Edit: Ok so thank you so much for all of the lovely people in the replies, stay strong all of you I believe you you can do this. Let’s all make a pact. Every night, before bed, no matter our different time zones, we think of eachother and stay strong

I love how she viciously tears each piece

my friend once told me "you have so much to live for, so many people who care about you, you shouldn't feel this way" when I was sharing about my struggle with understanding why I deserved to live. This friend of mine was clinically diagnosed with depression, and so I didn't really know how to respond besides saying "so do you", but he understood what I meant, and I didn't press any further, rather I just let him continue to open up about his feelings and all

I struggle to understand some aspects of depression, but I'm learning. Sometimes you don't know what else to say, but it's ok to just be there, to say "you matter and I'll always be here when you need me, you're not alone". We don't need to understand to be kind.

Yes it hurts the most when your own family says we have no reason to be depressed. Nothing excites me or makes me happy anymore and I have been constantly losing weight but no one seems to understand that. I don't know how life is going to turn out in a few years but I know I will never be the same. People around me think I have high goals but only I know I just want to survive the inner dark abyss of my own self I'm writing here because I just wanted a place to share this. I feel acknowledging your pain is the first step towards healing.

"Just be happy" is also a sentence that is making, at least me, even more depressed

My favourite thing to say is take your time to heal. or don't feel you have to be happy all the time

I wish everyone would hear this 💜

I get number one a lot from my mother whenever we end up talking about something like that. She always ends up comparing my life to her when she was my age, and those childrens in Africa struggling with a lack of clean drinking water. She kept telling me that I just have too much leisure and if I was like them, focusing all my energy on surviving, I wouldn’t even have the time to think about whatever is bothering me. I always envy people who struggle with the lack of material things like water and shelter, instead of people who have everything they need to survive, yet feel so empty and lifeless. I was granted a life that was comfortable, with good education and rarely starved, even though we’re not rich, I would not have to worry about things like that. I always ask myself: Why am I still dissatisfied? Why am I so ungrateful? My parents are still together (for now, at least) and my younger sibling is not so bad and we still get along. I get good grades and have good relationships with friends and teachers at school. Yet I still feel like I’m always alone, unable to talk about anything personal without being taunted, laughed at, or ignored. The only times I’ve ever talked about subjects like depression is with a friend on the bus, but we were never so serious about it. He has problems at home with his father, which sounds a lot worse than my own problems, and he has so much obligations. He had every reason to apply for counseling (plot twist: he never got it) while I don’t really have a reason to. If I ever let slip anything that suggests that I have depression or suicidal thoughts, people never take it seriously, make it a joke, or in my mother’s case, scold me for being spoilt and selfish. I’ve gotten to the point that I would never speak of these things in front of other people. I’m sorry for ranting here, and I don’t expect anyone to read it anyway. I’m just so glad that the internet exists now, because it’s the only place where I can rant and talk about these things without being judged as much compared to irl. I love how supportive people could be when nobody knows their identities, yet it horrifies me how differently the same people would act irl Sorry, for rambling and hiding behind a screen instead of facing it irl… I really am a coward, am I? 😁

"You have no reason to be depressed" - Indian parents

Dr. Julie, there are so many things that I want to say to you but they all lead to me saying one thing to you: thank you.

Very correct Respect what others are going through I have severe chronic depression from decades

As someone who has been depressed with and without reasons can testify that being depressed and feeling like you have no reason to be is much much worse than being depressed because if reasons. You don't know how to fix it. While having reasons makes it easier to feel that it's okay not to be okay.

"Other have it worse" just always make me angry. And the sadist part is that it is often used by other people that struggle to kinda gatekeep it. Or to say that that they should be treated with more care becaus they themself have it worse. My own mother told me that I should be fine becaus I was only mistreated and not also raped by my father like her. That was the moste devastating thing she ever sad to me. I know she did it because she felt bad and wanted me to be just magically ok becaus she didn't know this was happening but it doesn't make it ok to say that.

That last one really hit me hard in the chest. My feelings have pretty much been invalidated by at least one person my whole life and it hasn’t stopped.

I hate when people try to invalidate one’s problems with “others have it worse”. No, it’s wrong in its roots. How does one know how someone feels and what they are going through to even try to compare? Nobody can fully feel other person’s state, they can only apply it to themselves to try to be as close as possible to the affected person, and even then the feelings will still be different… Any problem is important for the person suffering through them, there’s no minor or major, there are just problems.

Number one hit me hard. I got diagnosed with depression and when I told my mom that, she literally said "you don't have a reason to be depressed"

The problem is lack of awareness. They genuinely don't know how to comfort someone

Reason 1 is so true, saying someone can’t be depressed because someone else has it worse is like saying to someone “you can’t be happy because there’s someone who’s even more happy”

I act extremely happy whenever I am around people so no one knows how I usually feel when I’m alone

"don't worry you'll be fine" is fine if it's followed by "I'll be here to support you any time you need to talk or just need some company"

One hug, a shoulder to cry on and a person who understands is all you need

Also people constantly saying: Are you depressed? Are you depressed? That is the most irritating thing I have ever had done to me. One of my friends says it all the time. I think he is just trying to make me feel better but it makes me feel much worse. Thanks for reading this and using your time

I’m very lucky to have my family because they say to me, “It’s okay to feel the way that you feel, we’re here to help you get through it.” As my mum says, a problem shared is a problem halved ❤ Just because you don’t ‘seem’ or ‘act’ depressed doesn’t make how you’re feeling any less valid. Your mood is completely valid. I’m here for anyone who wants a shoulder to cry on or a hug ❤

My 'friends' stay away... no one asks ... easier for them to disappear until 'I get over it'..... tragic 😓

I got some advice for people, if your uncomfortable while someone is taking about their meantal health instead of just saying “ you’ll be fine” explain to them how you will help them make it fine and always make it an option for them, say something like “ your gonna be ok, we’re gonna get you a therapist if that’s what you think will help, we’ll halo out with anything you need. And if you ever want to get away to do something fun and get out of the depression mindset I’ll always be open (and make sure to keep this promise. They always feel down so whenever they offer for some fun always do everything you can to figure something out for them to be with someone they don’t have to mask it around) Always make them aware that your a safe space to talk about anything and everything, good bad exiting or sad boring or intresting Make sure your almost always optimistic but not too jolly that they feel the need to mask how happy/sad they are. Make sure that they are comfortable at all times and if they seem too happy just put a slight sweet smile on your face but make your mood seem pretty nutral. Keep your words optimistic but not always happy go lucky, and keep your tone soft and comforting but not over coddling to make them feel like a victim. And lastly always respect them and their boundaries/ wishes. If they don’t want to go to therapy don’t make them, instead of forcing it say something like “that’s perfectly ok, but if I can make a suggestion, I want to make sure you have someone to let your feeling out with. It can be me or someone else, I don’t need to know who I just would like you to honestly answer if you do or don’t have that outlet” This informs them that it’s not a burden and that their choice is valid but still ensures that they will have somewhere to release the bottled up emotions.

This comment section is great. I love all the understanding shown as well as the related experiences and interactions with others.

When I told my friend that i feel like may be i am depressed or starting to feel depressed. She said that no you are not and when I asked how could she say that her answer was "because depressed people would not come out and say so" I went to her because i didn't wanted my situation to get any worse but what she said made me regret my decision to tell her and i never spoke about my condition to anyone.

"Others have it worse" I didn't know we were in the Misery Olympics, Uncle Pete Basically they're implying they don't want to do any of the emotional work of just relating to someone they're supposedly connected to. They say it like no one can have feelings until they're the strongest in the world. Had a good day? No you didn't, others have had it better today. Hungry? No you aren't, others are starving in the world.

I'm grateful that you said what people need to say instead. I have a depression, my partner too and often I just can't support, bc i don't know what i want to listen in her place.

I have being suffering from depression for many many years and it is a battle. Each day is a battle. I have so much empathy with people who suffer from it. I know that there are no words that help. Be sensitive people that person is hurting badly. I withdraw completely it is better than insults.

The pain matters - that's the best form of support people can give!! 💯

A long time back my grandma, who knew about some of my struggles with depression, started saying, "this too shall pass." I had to sit her down and gently ask her to please stop saying that. It was hard to confront her about it but such a relief to not hear it anymore. People often mean well, but should definitely be told when what they are doing isn't working how they thought.

I always told myself the Nr. 1 and only after talking with a very close friend I realized that my family and upbringing was very toxic and that my friends aren't the best either. So I do have a reason I just never knew. To notice something like this can hurt but it's like cleaning a wound, it is very important to heal.

This is a slap on the insensitive people and bullies

For everyone who feel sad. Remember you will be Loved and you are wonderful , Smile and never Stop beliving in you because you are wonderful . Wishing you all the Beauty of Life cause you deserve it.

I end in isolating myself from my friends. I feel invisible to them as I can't relate as I have symptoms of PTSD they often talk about there therapist and I feel jealous & awkward. But can't bring my self to go and get one or even talk with them. I'm also scared of hurting them but anger outbursts. So I don't make plans or hang out. And it just turned in to a habbit

I was told the 1st over and over, I was so sick of it, I could barely get up to go to work everyday and I had to hear my friend at the time saying that thing over and over, he’s not my friend anymore after I started therapy and was able to acknowledge, validate my feelings and protect my mental health from people that don’t understand or care

About that last one, one way I like to think about is that although there are and likely always will be people who have it worse, that doesn’t mean that you don’t have it hard or that you’re feelings are any less valid. People can be going through different kinds of situations that are hard for them. Someone could be going through something that is more obviously a bad situation, while someone else might be going through something hard that they’re keeping quiet about and isn’t as physically noticeable to the average person.

I remember once I was really depressed and I told my mom about it. All she said was “stop being so dramatic! there are so many other people who have the reasons to be depressed unlike you!”

The dog will put his paw on your lap and will look at you the way " I am always with you". Dog therapy is the best!

Tears of truth Keep up lady ! You are voice of many persons

Don’t forget the “you need to stop being so sad/mad/lazy all the time.” Or “Go out with your friends.” Or “Why are you so angry all the time?”

Welp, I feel validated now. Told my bf that I'm having suicidal thoughts and want to get a mental check up cause I might be depressed. And then he told me that I have no reason to be depressed--kept asking me what's so bad in my life that I'm having these thoughts lol

I found out my grandma has depression, and has had it for years now, which I always felt guilty about since I never knew and was very dismissive of her. Now she’s dealing with cancer too and it’s been a massive struggle. I hope one day soon she recovers from all of this and I can tell her how sorry I am for never noticing her pain.

_It's okay you are not okay. I'm here for you._

I opened up to my mom about my depression and she just compared her past experiences and herself to me. Sometimes i wish someone could just understand me..😢

that last one hit hard cause my family says to me all the time and it just makes everything way worse than it already is

What do I do if my anxiety makes me feel feverish and nauseas, and when medicine is not helping?

"Youre just trying to fit in with your friends" fucking broke something in me

I am so glad for videos like this. When I talked with my bestie about his depression I simply listened and cried with him.

My dad is a psychologist and he tells me that I have an amazing life and that there is no reason why I should be depressed or suicidal. He's a psychologist, he should know not to say that to me and he should talk to me about why I feel like this. That is probably the worst part about have a psychologist dad.

Psilocybin saved my life. I was addicted to heroin for 15 years and after Psilocybin treatment I will be 3 years clean in September. I have zero cravings. This is something that truly needs to be more broadly used in addiction treatment.

"Well snap out off it!" This is I was told by a nurse😢😢😢😢😢😢😢 I will never forget this person

Number one is the most painful 💔. People have indirectly told me that 😢.

One of the things I’ve heard that I hate the most: “You need to think positive.” 🤦🏻‍♀️

I've been told I "look like I'm fine" by my therapist as well as my psychiatrist. It's a great way to make your deeply depressed and anxious patient feel invalidated.

Yes I used to have depression and people just didn't care I know how it feels. Thanks for sharing this with people so they understand

"You are just running away from your responsibilities. Its all drama .."

I have a friend with a fear of failure, can you make a video of what to do in that situation (for herself and for us to know how we can help her)?

Also every brain reacts different. What can be easy for you doesn't have to be easy for others and that's okay. It's important to be kind, listen to each other, give support to the ones that need it and show them that they can feel safe with you. Some people with depression don't even have to have a reason. Depressive moods and episodes can be very common in many trauma disorders so even if they don't have a reason, the feeling is very much real It's okay to not feel okay.

yes‼️ yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. this is absolutely true and i have had all four of these things said to me before while battling serious depression. the alternative ways of saying or doing these things would have made me feel so much better about everything, like i was valid and so were my feelings. especially the one where you should ask someone first before giving advice. please do this, because sometimes people just need someone to speak to; someone to just listen to them. and though it may be helpful to give advice, please ask first. as someone who has felt upset about being told these things before, i really do try to follow these four alternatives when i talk to friends who are feeling down. i know how it feels to be put down (even if not intentional), and use that to make sure i do not make the people that need listening to feel the same way. great video! 💞

As a depressed person, it sometimes feels invalidating when someone tells me they’re “severely depressed” when they arent. I’m not even at my worst point and I physically look a mess, I barely shower, I half-ass brushing my hair, my teeth go unbrushed for weeks at a time and MANY people say I look “sick” “tired” and “pale”. I can occasionally bring myself to put mascara on to avoid rubbing my eyes or getting tearful throughout the day. Depression can and does have a look, not for everyone, but definitely for me. You can “look depressed”, it is possible.

Doesn't the third one, 'Don't worry you will be fine' helps to some extent when it comes from someone who struggled with depression before

I say “don’t worry, you’ll be fine” as a comfort to my friends. Not to dismiss them or their feelings, but a genuine reassurance 😊

"Why are you depressed, look at everything you have" is like saying "why are you asthmatic, look at all this air" xo

It's important to have videos like this around. What I love about this is addressing the perspectives and behaviors with substitute suggestions. I also love the way she implicitly points out the fact that whether someone's reasons are visible or valued the same way by the other, it's important to hold space instead of getting brushed off with dismissive minimizing because it's invalidating and emotionally separates people through slights in vulnerable times. Sometimes people appreciate an ear with compassion instead of a dismissive sermon about other people struggling out of reach like it's less important or possible to help someone suffering right in front of you that could likely use some connection and support to even take more steps if any to improve whatever state they're in after getting the necessary support to process what's most pressing.

The 4th one is how my ex friends whom I just had a fight and ended friendship with treated me like despite telling them it hurts me I was too stupid to not notice these red flags because they were highly toxic

TOP THING TO NEVER DO TO SOMEONE WITH DEPRESSION OR ANYONE WHO IS JUST SAD IN GENERAL NEVER say “Oh that’s nothing” or “That’s all? Well this happened to me…” It’s SO RUDE and maybe to YOU it seems like nothing but to the person it might have really upset them. And if you say this, I know what WILL happen to you. You’re losing that friend.

"You don't LOOK depressed" This was something my own dad told me back in 2021. Worst part was what he said to me after that "Mental health doesn't EXIST!" - really breaks my heart when being raised in a household where my family members don't believe in going for therapy 😞😢

The last one hit me hard.. always have been told that since i was younger, it made me shed a tear..

This is so true, I hope more people would care about this things, cuz it seems a little detail but can make a huge difference

These 4 things have been said to me by people who were close to me, so now I mask and bear what i feel.

Been surrounded by judgemental ppl including my family, it's just difficult or impossible to share what I feel. So I barely tell them about all the emotions

Thank you. You have confirmed my interpretation that people are not comfortable to my emotional pain and they dismiss me and hope I go away. And I matter to nobody because they say have it worse than I do and do not want to know why I feel not ok.

Only yesterday I had to explain I had PTSD. Their first words were, "you've d never know you always seem so chirpy. " I really didn't know what to say. Awful.

no.5 just wait till your older no.6 your just faking it for attention no.7 I'm grounding you(say something that means they are grounding you like taking away your phone)

Dr. Julies smile is enough to erase my depression😍

The last one made me cry, because it's the one I hear every day and it hurts soo much

I wish I could come to you for therapy but I'm from India i feel like your shorts exactly explain what I experienced thankyou mam 💖 u are great

You speak what my mind says thankyou so much Dr

As someone who is depressed this is 100% correct

I feel a little better seeing people i relate. Makes me feel less lonely. Sometimes internet does help.