Best to walk away from a DA who is not consistently and actively working on their issues.

Yes! Sadly the DA I knew did destroy me too. I did not understand any of this at the time and only now doing "research" to understand it all....so painful for the other party involved. Even though he was working with a therapist..he did not communicate his problems well at all....especislly where I could understand. In his "contempt" stage he used the fact that he was in therapy as a slap in my face saying I needed therapy. Oh my gosh. I've never been so hurt and confused and heartbroken in my life. I do not wish this type of relationship on anyone. I will be very wary of getting involved with a person with this type of attachment style again. You can not win. And of course, as a secure person...once someone you truly love starts acting this way...even the most secure person will become so confused and try to reach out...and can bring up anxious feelings and you start acting out of character...unless you understand! So painful and embarrassing. Such a loss of a wonderful relationship for both people. Afraid of real love?? Afraid of emotional intimacy?? Afraid of truly bonding with someone??? What a horrible "curse". So sad.

@@marcd2743 Ha! Good one!

Soooo spot on. I was in a 2 year LDR and our time together was perfect. Two months after our last amazing time together (when she publicly said that she wants to be my wife; everyone present happy) she ghosted me. Blocked me everywhere. No explanation. No response to anything. I am a secure attachment style but this kind of behavior really messed with me. Even a secure's connection to reality isn't safe. I became a crazy heap of a mess, frankly. But here's what I did: I focused on myself. Every (often) time she entered my mind I instantly kicked her out. I thought of other things that I love, I created cartoon-like mental images (super helpful for the comedy) of kicking her out, I changed ring tones etc. A few short months later I just felt right and open. Someone then approached me and she was a little hesitant (as was I). We expressed interest in one another, we were honest about our recent and ancient histories and then, somehow, things just clicked. We became a team. I can honestly say I thought I was more or less going to be forever alone. Blaming myself etc. But the moment I let go and trusted in the universe, someone amazing just basically dropped in my lap. We intentionally started slow but one thing became clear really, really quickly. This woman was capable of everything I hoped my ex would learn. Her childhood was much better, her approach to communication, her style of conflict resolution. OMG. Night and day. I think now that, while my love for my ex was genuine, I was way too optimistic that she would somehow fix herself. I hope she does but I don't think she ever will. Letting go opened my life to someone Soooooo much healthier. Love your DA. Understand with compassion why she became what she is. But please! Leave! Trust your own strength and value. When you open your heart and make yourself available you may find someone falls into your life too. (I pray for this).

Narcissists are a bit worse. I have dealt with both. I understand. Both will drain you in different ways.

Somebody highlight this comment.

Thank you for this written commentary, it was very helpful.

Condescension

how a secure attachment can modify or change this behaviour???

Ugh. I do all of these apart from number 5. So much pain and sensitivity that this is the only way I know how to cope! It's so annoying and confusing though.

Im dating my first DA. This says it all really.. Its doomed 😒

@@dannywholuv Just saw your comment. Did you get out or are you still dating them?

@@Revolution-tl5wo yeah just about lol we're one year deep and she hasnt introduced me to family and friends. When i asked will these barriers drop She basically told me she doesnt know if we'll last 😕 she said she never will fully trust someone as that makes her vulnerable. Dont know what to do its so confusing as she still meets up with me but its like once every two weeks. Should i give up?

@@dannywholuv I mean, sounds like she's either married or an unhealed DA for sure. Personally, I'd be out of there. According to this and other channels, DAs can heal themselves and become functional partners, which I'm sure in some cases is true. But if they're unwilling to do that, or said they will and aren't following through, then you're wasting your time. Depending on how much she means to you, you could either a) dump her now or b) try bringing this up to her and request that she get help to heal her attachment dysfunction. If you do b) she will either run, which is saving you time; or she'll say yes, and you can set a deadline for yourself (*do not tell her the deadline*) as to how long you will continue giving her a chance to show up for you as the partner you want. For me, I know that the healthier I get, the healthier partners I can attract- and knowing that I can attract healthy partners makes me unwilling to go back to doing that kind of work on a relationship with so little return on the investment. Just remember that dating peoples' potential is a dead end. You have to date- or not- them as they are right now. Best of luck in your choice.

@@Revolution-tl5wo thank you fir your insight, i may be wrong or just too emotionally attached right now to just dump her so i feel compelled to ask if she is willing to do the work. I understand this will be very difficult and theres a good chance she will shut down and be repelled by the request, although it will settle in my own mind that ive tried and it just wasnt meant to be. Do you mind me asking how many DAs you've encountered? And what was your longest 'relationship '? This is all new to me. Thanks

I had previously been watching these to gain understanding about a partner, and am still watching to better understand what went wrong now that that partner is an ex. I still have total compassion and empathy for her, but the impact she had on me due to her self-admittedly _intentional_ actions is real, and after my experiences trying to make things work I am very, justifiably hesitant to try again.

I agree. I also understand the frustration. I think the important key is that BOTH partners need to be working on it together. You can try to be more understanding but if they aren't working on healing this too and continue hurting you, it feels very one sided

It's really hard to feel compassion for people that are hurting FA's that are already scared and hurt. The DA's do plenty of damage because they don't want to do the work to heal. There is so much work for FA's to do to change their behavior. But yet we are supposed to conform to the DA's dysfunctional behavior. I think not!

I have a partner who is a da I just want to support him and honestly it’s done us so many favours. I’m so in love and I couldn’t be without him as much as it’s been hard it’s gotten so much easier. Some people can’t cope and I get that, at times it’s been hard but now I am patient and feel like we are in the best place we’ve ever been ❤️

Oh, hell no. I watch them to understand my shitty past experiences with my DA exes and make sure I know how to spot them a mile away and never get into another relationship with a DA again. Screw trying to work on it with these people. The amount of work vs. the amount of reward is never worth it. Even though narcissism is an unfixable personality disorder and dismissive avoidance is a fixable attachment style, functionally it feels no different for the partner in the relationship with either one of these. A DA may be a hurt individual that doesn't know any better, but if they're not actively doing the work 24/7 to do better in their relationships, you end up feeling like a victim of narcissistic abuse. Protest behaviors like the silent treatment actually *are* abusive, no matter how you frame them.

100% and it takes literally close to nothin to trigger them. They’re triggered in their own head most of the time. Only so much the person on the outside can do

@@mathews0618 even validating can feel like an intrusion that’s the whole issue :)

Like DA and I might have a text conversation, then suddenly, he stops abruptly and is silent for days. I always think it was something I said. Like the last time, I said his perfume smells amazing and I can still smell it on my pillow and will buy some to use as pillow spray. After that message, I haven't heard from him for 7 days!!!😟😟😟

Basically acting like a narcissist! Don't you find that a turn off?

@@arxsyn big time. It's a complete turn off for me. That's why they are an ex 😊🙏

I was experiencing the same behaviour! It was not easy for me to deal with. I felt as radio I bring up topic, he turn it around on me I bring it again he again turn it around.. and one day I was like you know... I cant do it anymore. I am much happier now. Sorry for your experience

😣 that makes me so sad , cause i’m like this , and believe that we don’t even know what are we feeling when some thing bothers us, and when you bring a point , that help us a lot to understand our feelings about that previous problem, this is so sad ... we don’t even know our feelings or how to express them ,

Same here, I can't do it anymore.

The part about “why bother communicating my needs” is exactly what I experience being a DA.

@@melw3313 Glad to give another perspective then! :) For the record, lately I’ve been thinking I’m somewhere between DA and FA. I’m getting a little bit better at communicating my emotions and needs, but the real struggle is identifying them in the moment since I’m always too much in my head and unconsciously suppressing them. It usually takes me a while, like the 3 days thing, and then it feels too late to bring up.

❤️❤️❤️

Without communication, there is no relationship.

Unfortunately not communicating because communication leads to misunderstandings is bound to lead to even more misunderstandings.

Glad you liked that Roshall! -PDS team member

I am FA. I can relate to this last part.😄

I don't know about that. As an FA, actively working on stuff and in a long term relationship with a DA, I recognize some of these traits in myself. Thus, this video helped both of us recognize our patterns and have compassion for each other. Guess it's unique for each situation, and more about the individuals involved than a blanket black/white statement? Thank you, PDS & Thias! We're open and trying. It's hard, scary but also extremely helpful.

Wow awesome comment:)

if you send him informative videos or articles, that doesn't mean you are co-depenedent, its to help him see what he is doing and why you broke off with him.. good parting gift.. 5 years and no movement, oh no girl..yeah here you go boyfriend, i gotta go.

just tell him that you know perfectly how he feels , but you will not accept it anymore to be the punching ball for his inner feelings and issues, wish him well with the following words " I know you suffers, but I'm not the cause of your behaviour , good luck, I love you " and walk away forever ! FOREVER ! he'll have to grow the hard way, or not, live your life and expect nothing in return, do not answer shit test sms, and do not care about him, give him the freedom he craves for, his depression will get worse and worse, and one day he will have to go to a doctor . You have to be strong as hell , do never contact him , even for years , let him do the work till he comes back crying .

@Marissa my ex of 1.5 years wouldn’t introduce me to his family either stated they were out of town and didn’t live in the same city. I’m realizing he’s a DA it all makes sense now. He also hides in his work and side hustles that’s what makes him happy. He excused himself from from the relationship a week ago stating stress.

My ex showed up with acts of service, but same... never said I love you in 3 years, nor did I get to meet his family.

Narcissist do.

@dracorus Dracius it’s not a badge of honour. You need to work on this as it fucks úp relationships.

Just had someone do this to me unexpectedly and I didn’t even know what I did wrong. She could’ve communicated to me like an adult but she didn’t. She’s probably fine right now while I’m an emotional wreck. Every day feels like a year and getting out of bed feels heavy. Maybe she has no idea the pain she caused idk. But I don’t deserve this. It is not a badge of honor. Get help and don’t date until you learn how to effectively communicate your needs with others.

Legend

Yes, yes, yes.

An anxious attachment sounds like grandiose/ overt narcissism. Controlling manipulative behaviour, extremely jealousy, love bombing, constantly needs reassurance and validation and the list goes on. Yet for some reason only DAs are compared to narcissist

Nothing

Thank you for being here with us on your journey. Keep up the amazing work you're doing on yourself -PDS team member

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool ♥️🙏🏻💫

Couldn’t agree more

It's the way it is unfortunately. First you do the test, then you do the learning. Next time you'll be more prepared. Same as me. Out of a 20 year stint with a DA which in all honesty was not too bad but being a FA the heart refuses to let go of the DA ex. She's even after i got her to talk frankly and openly after the stonewall came down temporarily, lied to me, has no feelings which is cutting to say the least. The eyes told a different story so i was happy to move on knowing that the feeling will surface in the next relationship after She's stopped complaing about me. Happy to know she'll be doing the same thing to her new man. I'm sure after a couple of years he'll want to hand her back.. .lol.

DAs are not running from others deep down, they are running from themselves. Your id is the fight or flight response to your feelings. You have an automatic fear response to your own emotions. Understand that fundamentally. It's not about what others do to you for now, it's about your own response to your own emotions. You have to begin to allow yourself to feel whatever you feel (joy, sadness, fear, etc). Once you allow yourself to feel the feeling, you can then start to analyze it, name it, and understand what you need. If you keep shutting down the information before it can reach your conscious mind (due to a fear of feeling weak) then you never get the clues about yourself that you need in order to solve your problems. Somewhere along the way you learned that it's best to shoot the messenger - your id. Your "id" runs away with these clues (emotions) because they are a terrified child part who needs self understanding and acceptance from you. Acceptance, not shame that they happen to carry messages and signals of vulnerablility. Vulnerability is strength not weakness. And this part of you that carries these signals is just as strong as the part of you that shuns them.

yay! so happy you liked it Farah :) Thanks for your nice comment -PDS team member

No one will admit it but all FA/DA's are some type of low-end Narcs

Same thing.

Mine does exactly the same. How long does it take him to come back? Are you two still together?

@@janef4701 yes. We've been back and forth for 20 years now. The last two years is the first time he's actually worked on things which is why I'm thinking he's a DA and not a narcissist. But he can be so cold and cruel. We talk things out and make new plans or deals but he rarely remembers his end or keeps his end. It's very frustrating. The last two years he has more than he ever has but it's so slow. Our latest talk and plan is to communicate when we feel attacked instead of jumping to retaliation. But I need to give him a lot of space. If we start fighting and we catch ourselves he will only need like one day to cool down. If it's a bigger fight a few days, then we'll talk. But he often will go right to break up instead of taking things out. Until now he'd break up with me until he missed me and come back. Usually months, only once it was a couple years. But I am tired of this and told him it's been 20 years. Clearly he loves me. So stop breaking up with me and putting me through that, just stay and work it out and these last two years he has. But I need to give him space, if I push he'll go back to break up. So I agreed to give him space and he'd agreed to not run every tiny fight. But it's very hard on me. And I never feel like my needs are met. I don't get enough attention or affection. He's so lovey when he comes back and he's trying to get me back, but as soon as I'm back he stops. Sometimes I want to leave but I only last like four days and then I miss him too much I can't. ...... How long have you been with your guy?

Right... what an ultra mind fu**!!!!

That's the point for a DA. No communication, no closeness, no relationship. Mission accomplished.

and love the idea of "catalyst" being associated as "cause", makes sense to me!

DA here. She is talking about that exactly. So if a Dismissive avoidant feels one of their needs aren’t being met they may choose to fantasize about an ex or a potential new partner meeting that need instead of communicating with the partner. “Fantasy Land”

All the fantasizing is ultimately about what they are incapable of... emotional availability. It keeps, them safe from being present and available for a real partner in this life experience.

seriously. and it's justified in the form of no contact. no contact makes sense if it's been communicated and discussed between two people. abrupt shutdown and asking the other person to magically understand is protest behavior. i'd even describe it as borderline abuse or a punishment

She doesn’t do personal one on one coaching but she hosts 4 live webinars inside the school and there is a section in PDS called accountability coaching where you can find accountability coaches trained by Thais who do one on one sessions.

Chill bro. Very BETA move this is not a place to flirt w our Guide bro. Take the advice and become secure!

Lmao

Weird

Was this a test to see how the DAs react? 😅

@@laniiiiiiiiIani😂😂😂