This was the longest and hardest lesson for me to learn. Our society hammers into us that people can change. Forgiveness is the only route to healing. You should try to mend things with the people you love with little consideration on how that further traumatizes and wounds the person that is trying to heal. I love my family but they will never love the actual me. The person they love is a fiction. When I come around, I feel like a husk of a man not allowed to express anything that I am actually feeling unless it is positive and erases the ways in which I was abused. They will only accept me if I erase my sexuality. My biggest fear in life is that after I die, my funeral will be filled with people who don't remember me as I was. The fiction that lives in their minds continues on in the future and the person that I was dies eternally. I will not capitulate to the erasure of my very being!

This is helpfull. I have been hoping for my best friend to want to look at me as her best friend too and that sounds soo childish but it is the truth. Im 54 years old and im a therapist and I have been refusing to feel this lonelyness my entire life. So thank you Ingrid , again for this .

My MIL..... I was in hope for decades I could have some sort of relationship with her. I tried real hard to be the "good daughter in law". I have an autoimmune disease, and when the pain became chronic pain, she disliked me even more. Put downs, gaslighting, silent treatment, and acting like I am faking my disease, a malingerer..... I am also immunocompromised, my MIL and in-laws act like they don't understand my autoimmune disease, being immunocompromised or boundaries. I feel like they think I am overreacting, even though my doctors say I am not. My MIL projects I am ruining the family, and excluding her son and grandson from the family.... When in reality, my husband and son are doing their best looking out for me and our family. My MIL is exhausting! I have been distancing myself, and since they decided to gossip behind my back after telling me they understand my health issues and boundaries, they are going to see much less of me, and likely less of her son and grandson too. My son is an adult, so he sees the toxic BS too. It's really sad. Not My fault I was born with an autoimmune disease. Not going to take their B's anymore, I deserve to have healthy family relationships, and can walk away from toxic ones that don't serve me.

I always hoped my narcissistic family would somehow change and finally believe me.

I totally can relate. I went no contact 11 years ago with my narcissistic motjer and extended family, but I kept up this fantasy that one day, I might reconnect with my cousin. He had similar interests as me, is sensitive and also was the scapegoat of the family. This year, I emailed him and he made it clear that he doesn't see a dysfunction in our extended family system and that I am the problem. PUFF, my fantasy that I kept up for 11 years popped due to a single text line of an email. And for the good! It felt awful and brought up a lot of shame and grief, but this reality shock that I absolutely needed was so healing. After I went through the grief, I felt peaceful and calm within. There is no hope for the family system, but there is hope for me!

Wow! I am processing the grief of a 26 year “best friend” who has lied to me and betrayed me in ways I couldn’t fathom….glad I saw this today. It’s super topical. Hope was my handcuffs - hope for this friend and our friendship, despite what my gut was telling me otherwise. Hard sad stuff but I’m so SO relieved to know the truth!

This toxic hope has kept me a prisoner to people pleasing in insurmountable ways to the point of endangering my own physical and mental health.....I do not know how NOT to be that....

Shedding bit by bit. It's a process. Thank you for putting yourself out here for me, us.

Thank you again! ~ I HAVE projected my goodness on every abuser in my life and they in turn projected their negatives onto me. Dang this gets so convoluted 😜

great video again. Thank you. Part of my growth recently is giving up my need to change 'difficult' people. Yepp, I'm still trying to get my difficult parents to love me. They've been dead 20 years so it's unlikely that's going to happen, but little me is still trying. I'm now having to be a bit firmer (compassionately) with a lonely kid and use the energy to grieve for what I didn't get. It's terrifying, but it's also liberating. There was no epiphany, but there is progress. It's a lifetimes work.

All my life I was said never to give up. No matter how relationships are chaotic and seek, my role was always to rescue my brother, my parents, my partner. I thought, that only acting in this way I can be a good person. Hundred second chances and permanent benefit of the doubt for all people that surrounded me. This "hope-and-never-give-up" behavior, that I considered to be a kind of strength, broke me and took all life power. Because it's is not strength, it is denying reality.

Thank you so so much for this. I've found your work at just the right time. Yes. I had a fantasy around my mother (who is a narcissist and had also not believed me when I disclosed my stepfather was drinking and behaving badly towards us). This pattern of not being believed continued into adulthood and I spent years seeking out my mother's support, only to find my experiences bring questioned and denied or excuses made. She has drawn many people into the narrative of 'emilys perceptions of what happened are not quite right' I've spent most of my life not stopping. Building a career, university, buying houses and so on. I realise all I've wanted is validation and celebration and love from her. I've run on cortisol and adrenaline all my life and most of my relationships have involved some sort of toxicity, me being unable to hold boundaries or accepting the bad bits because the good bits come eventually. I've been in and out of therapy for years and never ever been able to shake off this baseline experience of questioning myself and putting energy and time into relationships which I 'hope' will grow. I have also 'hoped' my mother would say sorry and have had a fantasy around this for many years. I have realised that this isn't going to happen, I have given up hope and with that feel both liberated and a sense of grief. I also feel my identity with my work is shattered as it was driven by a need to prove something and heal. I feel this is a fresh start and am examining boundaries, placing them down and moving through the world in a more embodied way. It's extraordinary. Yes. Giving up hope feels to me like a turning point. I am 45. I'm raising a son on my own too. I wish I'd done this sooner. I am buying your book this week. I also have an amazing therapist and have seen her since 2017. I was so resistant to the word narcissistic abuse for a while. She is a trauma informed therapist and I'm so so grateful for the depth of understanding I now have as to why I am as I am.. I don't feel broken anymore but I do wonder what my future will hold. I'm exhausted. Growing into this new territory of giving up hope is strange. I'm tired. I also wonder if I have the capabilities I had before Will I feel energy again? Thank you

It is sooooo complex. Someone who is suffering from C-PTSD, must have had some serious, re-occurring and prolonged exposure to traumatic experiences. That means that one had to develop a way to cope with it (later to become trauma responses). In reality - the way I see it is that those coping mechanisms ALLOWED us to still hold on to a hope. Allowed us to not loose it completely. And that WAS a good thing at the time. When we loose hope, we feel discarded, not needed, isolated and nothing makes sense anymore. And because of that, when we grow up, we so much cling to the idea of hope - it helped us to survive. Some of us develop the flight response to such a degree that we become the people-pleasers. And that forms a very toxic circular pattern in which we again hope that we can finally persuade, convince or "fix" someone. That does not work most of the time (if at all) so hey - let's not give up right? We came such a long way so we should not give up. Giving up is for loosers. And I AM NOT a looser. I will prove it. And it rolls and rolls until we finally are so exhausted that we end up confused, lost, lonely, not understood. We develop a chronic depression (or rather become aware that it was always with us) and feel like giving up completely. As much as it is sad, it is in those moments that we are shaken to the core of our being and desperately start searching for some answers. I feel inclined to rather say this - stop running. Stop chasing your dream - at least for now. Instead - slow down. Embrace the pain you are constantly running from - most likely for years if not decades. Let yourself feel it. Cry if you feel like it. Acknowledge that you got hurt and it's painful. Slowly, you will start to see things the way there are. Yes - it takes time. But that's OK. You don't need to rush anywhere anymore. Step by step, little by little. Life is a journey - not a goal of itself. And the best part? It will all make you a better person! How? You will learn about your own behavior patterns (trauma responses) and you will start recognizing patterns all around you. You will develop the ability to recognize people for what they really are and choose this time wisely. And because of that, you will develop an enormous amount of compassion towards yourself and towards others. Your life WILL be filled with love and empathy. And you will understand, that what you have been looking for your entire life has always been within you. That you don't need to depend on others to be happy. You will again thrive and be excited about life. Step by step......

i’m crying because this is so validating for me rn, this last year has been all about finally seeing things as they really are in regards to my relationships with my mother and sister, the grief is unbearable sometimes because we are such a small family that i’m now just kind of swimming out there on my own but it is extremely liberating and uplifting once you start accepting and working your way through it. thank you so much for all of these nuggets of goodness you’re sending our way, they are extremely helpful 🥰

After recognising the pattern, I think losing hope was (is) the most important step in this journey. Once again, thanks for sharing,.

I'm starting to and it's good. The challenge is the deep pain of seeing the "care" and "closeness" that is shared with the flying monkeys but not shown and shared with me. I know that once I am able to distance myself physically I will have the emotional energy to let go the rest of the way but until then I have to manage the pain and loneliness of being the odd one out.

A wonderful perspective, thank you. Keep well.

Many of my romantic relationships were with narcissist and I always hoped they would change and see the light. It never happened. This is giving me insight into why I chose them therefore I can change. And heal and be restored

Thank you for this explanation.

Three abusive marriages over 30 years of “hoping” tomorrow would be better. It never has been. Up and down but never a stable good. I know I need to leave my husband and it is emotionally difficult because that false hope keeps me tied in a false reality. I need to get away from him.

The same with forgiveness. Everyone says, it is strong to forgive. I said to my malignant narcissistic and violent husband after 22 years marriage that I forgive him. He smiled and asked: "Why? I did nothing". We don't have to forgive, no matter what the Bible says. Because this forgiveness allows people to abuse us without consequences. More over, they often even don't ask to forgive them. I decide to forgive or not. And it is not week or bad not to forgive.

New to the NarcAbuse ~ and finally had to go “No Contact”to my 3 adult children. It’s been 4 months

Liebe Ingrid, ich habe Sie soeben entdeckt. Ein weiterer Content-Creator hatte auf Ihre Erfahrung verwiesen. Ich fühle sehr viel Dankbarkeit und Orientierung, wenn ich Ihnen zuhöre... Mir kullern schon den ganzen Morgen, (hier in Mitteleuropa ists jetzt morgens), die Tränen. Mein Englisch ist derzeit zu unbeholfen, um hier in dieser Sprache zu schreiben. Wird Ihr wunderbares Buch bereits in weitere Sprachen (Deutsch, for instance...) übersetzt? Mit einem dankbaren Herzensgruß für Ihr Wirken! Anna

I'm still struggling with this. I guess the problem is my hope is fed by the Dr. Jekyll side of the abuser. I treasure those tiny little nice moments.

Thank you, so useful!

thank you💜

Yup I do this

Your videos always provide such helpful and insightful information! So informative and such a great step in the right direction for those who are dealing with this.

Wow Ingrid, this is gold. I will have to listen a few more times. I’m still in hope….. and this message was uncomfortable but true. Thank you

🙏🏻 🌟 🙏

Hope, naïveté, and childlike trust. All gone. Thank God.

Eeek. I've done the projecting of growth over the years, thinking, of course all ppl want growth... ya they don't. Had to accept it in ex's and in family members. Learned that if you're forward thinking n want to Improve your life in any way, a lot of ppl won't be coming with you. Ppl are "Comfortable" where they are n don't like change. That's when u grieve.. bc when u move forward, u realize they won't be a big part of your world, or by your side, like u thought.

BRAVO WOMEN I LOVE YOU

I had this toxic hope when dealing ( I was put into the scapegoat role) with my passed on Ma ( communal narc) and 1 of my Sister's ( covert) and 1 flying monkey Sister. During any, no contact with them they would all stalk me to find out what I was doing, where I moved to, etc. It made having no contact exceedingly difficult. The cycle of; their abuse, me trying to remain in contact, then my no contact for months and or years and repeat the cycle. To let that cycle go for good and remain no contact was easy after my Ma passed... in a way, my Ma's passing freed myself. No reason to have contact and be subjected to their abuse. This wasn't easy, it took decades to get to this level of peace. It is as if I had to mourn what I never allowed to experience, a healthy relationship with these individuals.

Ugh. My marriage. Betrayal and partner can't show up and tell the truth. And me projecting my desire to heal and grow. Not everyone wants that. The blinders have started to come down. And so much grieving with that. How did i learn this? I got chrinic fatigue syndrome and realized my biggest triggers for crashing and weakness in my body, as well as autonomic overload episodes that look like seizures, were in relation to my husband and family of origin.

Thank you for your videos. 🙏 Are you currently seeing new clients?

💗💕🥹🤍

another therapist on here calls it "HOPIUM".. (he didn't first coin the the phrase.. but I think HOPIUM is a perfect term to use! its addictive and pointless