Sent by Dr. Ramani; stayed and subscribed for the content. I think a lot of us are now waking up to the systemic aspects of our culture that breed and perpetuate low-level insidious psychological abuse for narcissistic gain.

Wow, brilliant video! I have to remind myself that I was a new born baby when the horrible conditioning started. Ironically now that i'm no longer trauma bonding, the intensity of my feeling as a kid is really showing itself. Paranoia, terror of abandonment, loneliness etc. So it's weird, the giving up of my old 'habit' to gain approval from difficult people is leaving me with an un-held baby me, and i'm 62. my aim in life to be able to be held in the loving way that i always wanted. Not easy from backgrounds like ours. Thank you for what you are doing, being vulnerable and being honest.

Many therapists still don't recognize the symptoms of childhood emotional neglect. I have found that if they counter the idea right away, it isn't worth trying to convey that an upbringing that doesn't honor emotions (ex. being sent to your room for being upset, the upset was inconvenient for the parent) can cause serious negative effects. I'm struggling to find a therapist that doesn't believe depression is brain chemistry *only* with no reasoning behind it other than luck or genetics.

I was groomed and abused by my uncle and for years and years I blamed myself and I thought I was too stupid and something was wrong with me.and the way my entire family shoved everything under the rug was even more traumatizing. I can relate to her on so many levels.

I spent 8 yrs trying to please my east India mother in law but because I was white I was never good enough. My husband told me it was my responsibility to fix the relationship with her even though I knew it was based in fear for her not knowing how to relate to a white daughter in law. I gave everything I cooked Indian food had an Indian wedding lived in the home with the family which allowed for daily abuses from her and my brother in law. All the while I kept trying to prove I was good enough. Seeking approval. It lead to major mental issues that I was ridiculed for again. Once I threatened to leave my husband sought out a therapist who explained it was his mother and he was his responsibility to protect me from her abuse. Once boundaries were set her abuse stopped but my husband’s abuse continued in many ways for an additional 14 years. I’m finally seeing my brighter future because of amazing people like you and knowing I’m not to blame and life shouldn’t be a struggle just to like yourself and know I deserve love. Mostly I am grateful that my son’s will not continue this cycle of abuse. Thank you for your brave wisdom and guidance.

Oh my goodness. I cannot believe how perfectly you put this. And it’s crazy because this is something that I only JUST recognized in my life. I’ve been in narcissistic relationships my entire life as well and that feeling you’re describing was almost something I was addicted to and would seek after. Recently, I broke up with a man who continually gaslighted me. I stuck to my boundaries and told him that I cannot accept that behavior. He came around yesterday to get some things and was extremely sweet And complimentary to me. Very loving and kind. I felt a rush of this feeling that you’re describing. It’s almost a sickly sweet sensation though. I see that now. And even though I wanted to just melt into it, I knew that it was unhealthy. For the first time in my life, I knew that I was addicted to this feeling But it was only causing me enormous grief and more trauma. Thank you so much for sharing this. It gives me that much more confidence that I’m doing the right thing by sticking to my boundaries and protecting myself.

I totally can relate. Living in a dynamic with a narcissistic mother I took care of emotionally for 27 years, I always felt ashamed for constantly betraying myself in service and favour of her wants and needs. I also got gifts and the feeling I'm so so special to her and that I'm a good girl when I met her needs. But dare if I didn't. I was the family scapegoat and her personal caretaker. Quite a confusing paradox, but perfect for manipulating a child into being your personal trash can. In fact, the only way I felt good about myself was when she used me as her trash can and was happy about it 🤢🤮 Later on in my 20s, I read about narcissistic mothers and tried to set boundaries with her, but it didn't work out at all. I was called too sensitive, the crazy one and a liar as long as I can remember. But I cut ties with her and my whole family of origin who she manipulated into scapegoating me since birth, since I was a toddler. For the last 11 years, I have been working on my healing from that abuse. The shame part is still a big one I have to admit. I didn't tell anyone when I was a kid and a teenager and there are not many people that know my full story due to the fact that I lost many of my friends during my healing process. I guess they liked my fawn response more than my authentic self 😕 Pete Walker's book helped me so much understanding my CPTSD and managing my triggers, trauma responses and emotional flashbacks. Unfortunately, professionals here in Germany are not trauma informed and it happened that I got shamed by a therapist that I am broken and my experience with my mom wasn't that bad 🤦🏼‍♀️ But despite that experience, I'm also so so happy that more and more trauma informed coaches, psychologists and self healing communities are arising, as I am convinced there are so so many people suffering in silence because of that generational trauma issues and narcissistic abuse that often is covert. Wishing you all the best, Ingrid, I'm so happy I found your Instagram channel and I'm happy you're here on KZfaq too!

You broke down the power dynamic in a trauma bond so well!!

I’m so grateful to have found Ingrid’s story!!! My ex has tortured me with love and hate for the last 4 years and it’s been killing me. I offer my body to him as a way to win the love back 😢 I’m detaching now and this video helps so much!!!

When I was a kid, none of these ideas or language existed. I saw a PSA showing a girl under 10 being verbally belittled as her image shrank and shutdown before my eyes. It was MY truth too! Then I learned about pedophiles who groomed their victims on the TV show SVU and I adopted Mariska Hargitay's character as my mother because she wouldn't give up on the children who were victimized. I believe I was groomed by pedophiles within my own family and they were protected while I was silenced. Then as women's liberation grew and spawned the #metoo movement, i began to see i wasn't crazy I was being silenced to protect my abusers. And now, I have you and your honest, magnificent memoir describing all those decades of confusion and self hatred in an openness new to me. Thank you, Ingrid Clayton.

I so like my new self. She is so powerful and naughty. One thing I do miss is the blind full trust, as only a child can have. That I had to give up for not still being a doormat 🍂 Again - good talk Ingrid ❤

I absolutely love all that you share with us! It is so validating when you share your authentic self and not just your "clinical" role. I can not express how much that has helped me. I am grateful for you and all that you have done to heal yourself and for your willingness to share that with us - huge hugs -

I was in this middle ground that didn’t really exist…. WOW. That hit me deeply. That’s exactly how I felt.

My father alternately ignored/rejected me (the silent treatment, invalidation, withdrawing financial support) and treated me like his girlfriend (lots of compliments, gifts, special treatment, and at least one instance of groping that I completely repressed for decades as a "dream"). I see now that in doing so, he was also manipulating my stepmother. They have not been part of my life for nearly a quarter century. Thank you for telling your story so articulately, it's similar in many ways to mine.

Also sent by Dr Ramani. I think the hardest part about this is learning how to trust our bodies. When danger has been imprinted as a "good" and exciting feelings, how do we know the difference? Kindness and self compassion often feel dangerous and uncomfortable. That's my struggle right now.

I am listening to this again..I so get the feeling of prostituting myself, putting myself 'out there'..feeling ick about it.. me giving someone else the power to say who I am and if I'm loveable, adorable, significant... I do not want to do this anymore -to betray my Godgiven worth and place enjoyableness to Him in this universe. I wanna hold on to the gift of existence and purpose God has given me! I want to stand in the absolute fact that He is FOR me and enjoys me and hangs by me in all the learning and everything! I want to be the me He made me to be, and the me/us.. He lovingly works in all my/our life! He loves us!!! I believe it more and more... I love being alive! I love sharing the great stuff you are sharing so people can be free and heal and thrive. Thank you again! P.S. I dont want to trigger anyone..I understand God as my Loving Father..but I respect others in their freedom and journeys.💛

Can relate to being invisible and then when they felt like it, I was everything. It was chocolate cake with sparklers on a gold platter, then it would be gone. I could prostitute myself to get it back until I couldn’t any more. Please keep talking and making us visible. It wasn’t a step dad, it was my husband for 14 years. I didn’t know what hit me until I was a shadow of my former self. Working on finding me, with the guidance of a therapist and people like you. Thank you.

Thank you for your video. This is exactly how I have felt for as long as I can remember. I didn’t even know it wasn’t “normal” until my 40’s. I knew I had some trauma from my dad but didn’t realize all of the ways it was playing out. I have never heard anyone say it quite like you, “prostituting yourself” but I literally yell out “yes!” When I heard it. Thank you❤

I read your book in 2 days. Its my story except with poverty sprinkled in. I am currently pursuing trauma therapy instead of talk therapy. Talk therapy makes me feel empty. thank you for providing contrast for c-ptsd.

I cannot love you enough. I did not have this type of trauma, but I sponsor women who have this exact experience. Thank you so much for your recovery, dedication, and generosity. Books don't work for everyone for various reasons. A real time video of you sharing in a peer-to-peer way is so powerful and very accessible. I do love your workshops but even then you have the amazing gift of speaking to your audience as one among many. That is a rare gift indeed!

Learning this in the current moment. Isn’t it beautiful to feel valued (by your own self?). I’m learning it at 65 years, and I’m looking FORWARD to this next phase of life! But you know what? Now is NOW and it is becoming beautiful!!!

Thankyou Ingrid!! You totally told my story! What became my blueprint for relationships with guys and what I was looking for! I especially relate to the feeling of prostituting myself. That’s exactly what I call it! Totally relate to the amazing chocolate cake, always what I’m wanting. And the fantasy that it’ll stay that way forever. That’s what keeps me in these relationships with narcissists - that hope that it’ll click in to place soon. Totally relate to not being able to care for myself and hoping to find the man that will do this for me. I just ended another emotionally abusive relationship, shocked that I’d gone into one again. So confused bcoz it has started out so loving like the chocolate cake and I was bragging to all my friends about how much he liked to talk about feelings and cared about me. Then to see the real him as it slowly came out has been a huge shock and so confusing. Except now I know that love bombing is part of the emotional abuse. And I think you describe it so well as that decadent chocolate cake. I could feel he was like my dad, the cuddles and affection felt so nice, warm and loving. And now coming to terms with the other parts of that relationship is also shocking and confusing. But also feels really good in my gut. So glad you have highlighted this. So excited to do my work and heal so I don’t seek this out again!

It's really emotional writing my stories. I'm having to pick myself apart and really see it for what it was. It's really painful that I chased what little attention narcissists gave me. Why did I stay in it so long? My self worth was so non existent that I thought that I couldn't get any better and it was better than being alone. Today, I know my worth most of the time and if people are serving up breadcrumbs, I get up and go eat somewhere else.

Thank You most deeply, Discovery that we all have the right, the privilege, the responsibility to be who we actually truly are, to choose ourselves (not at the reckless expense of anyone else) is simply mind-blowing. We were assigned acting roles in childhood which we invested in so tightly that now living freely without the narc's script is daunting but ultimately amazing. Breaking the trauma bonds is difficult, the internal doubt and self blame is tough, but my inner child is stubborn if nothing else, and he understands who can be trusted - and he trusts me, he trusts you. Thanks for sharing from both of us.

I hadn't seen the link between disgust and power before when there has been grooming. I think I learned to feel ashamed when I achieved something, there was something sneaky or wrong about it. Just hearing you speak about it helps me to make that connection. I also see how guilty I have felt about people I have worked with (as a therapist in Corrections) who couldn't seem to change - I saw it as my fault, I hadn't done enough when in fact I had been trained to merge with someone else's needs and they were really their own person with choices. Shame has been such a powerful restriction for me in stopping myself from living healthily - believing that I have been particularly bad and everyone else is particularly good. It's so helpful to hear other people's stories because it shines a different light on how I might view my own. Thank you again and again Ingrid

I teared up instantly at the "weird middle ground that doesn't really count" part. The amount of times I've thought about my own trauma in exactly those terms... Your story is the most similar to mine than any other I've heard. Thank you so much for sharing it with us. Seriously, I can't say it enough

Me personally I feel so weak and ashame by this feeling because I feel stuck like the power is in the hands òf the other person. The feeling òf knowing that the abuse is wrong but still have the urge for the loving moments.

Your authenticity and willingness to share your experience and wisdom is changing lives. Thank you 🙏

If they don't mind it doesn't matter, but if they mind, it does. We are entirely at their mercy as children. 💔 Thank you for helping me to reparent myself and find my true self. I am you, minus the alcohol. Thank you for your generosity in sharing your authentic self. You are helping thousands of us to heal too. ❤

Dear Dr Clayton. I can only be brief here because I'm in the middle of a move to another city and its very taxing on my emotionally. One of my biggest fears is that I will fall into repeating the trauma coping that you so beautifully describe in this video. I got your book and I know it will heal me in a way that nothing else has. Heal from the shame of (im a poet and here is a phrase from one of my poems).. "the core wound that started the cycle . . that started the fall. . into the abys of empty relationship after empty relationship.." I'm leaning into healthy more and more these days and rewiring.myself to accept it and know it. thank you for being brave and putting yourself out there with your honesty and vulnerability and flashes of insight that bring so much inner wealth to us all. . Cheryl Nimtz

Thank you for making the invisible visible again. I appreciate you sharing so we/I can heal.

I identify so much with your information. I have grief that I’m finding it in my 50’s. I wish I could see you as my therapist

Thank ❤you so much, very candid real explanation of what so many of us are trying to heal. We can define who we are, the authentic self, not the trauma experience! 🤗🙏

Thank you for posting this! It’s explaining something to me that I’ve never fully understood about myself.

You explained very well how I was feeling at the age of 18, when the 27 year old sister-in-law called me 2 times saying, " I want you". I am glad years later the brother told me, " She came onto you because she found out I was having sex with the neighbor, she came onto you to get back at me". I am glad he told me this.

As we continue to shine light on this insidious abuse, we will heal together.💕👊

The highs and lows of what love is. The blueprint that was woven into my bring... the familiar. I love this. You've summed this up so well. Thank you for being vulnerable.

I relate a lot to what you were talking about. A lot of the making yourself someone they can love was me. Still trying to figure this out. I'm better, but I need to address these issues. You laid it out so well. Thank you for sharing your story ❤️

I’m not on the other side - I want to be. Listening to this this morning, I realize even as a child due to divorced parents, there were three active narcissistic abusers in my life. How do you get over that? One is huge as a child - but three? I related when you said you were in the middle ground, and therefore your experience minimized, I can relate to that, too. I left those people at age 20, went to college and did well, although by then I was married and had no idea who I was and the marriage did not last (more trauma). The marriage didn’t save me like I thought it would (magical thinking). I’ll be 50 this year and I’m just finally learning many of the things that help me see what happened to me accurately and how I can heal myself. But man, I’m scared.

I applaud you for being so vulnerable and sharing this in a way I relate to.. so much. I was feeling the chocolate cake with sprinkles as you said that. I was hearing the feeling of magic when that person finally gives the love that I shouldn’t need to work this hard for. Thank you so much!

I felt the power of what you were saying, thank you for sharing and being so vulnerable with us.

By the way, It is good to hear you say what you say about the middle area of trauma as if it does not exist and just get over it. Trauma is trauma and for other's to decide what your response, feelings and thoughts should be is not right. I think there are alot of families out there that are dealing with something that is nothing more than a Stockholm Syndrome behavior. I believe in freedom from that. One must examine the bad programming they were given and heal from the trauma I think.

Yes, this resonates in the core of my being. Thank you for being so vulnerable in order to help and empower others on their healing journeys.

Fawning and anticipating relationship problems and circumventing them by appeasing others was my survival power. I don’t have to do that anymore bc I choose me and no longer need other people’s connection with me to secure my security. Whoa! I can’t believe I just wrote that! Your video just made this so clear. Thank you!

I have always listened to podcasts and watched videos about narcissistic mothers to try and understand why she did what she did. But hearing this about CPTSD has opened up a new part of my journey. I actually felt everything you said and I broke down at exactly the same time you did. Iv never felt so understood. Thank you for doing all the work that you have done to firstly help yourself and now others too. I will most definitely be buying your book as I feel it will resonate so much with what happened to me x

I am moved to tears by your video, Dr. Clayton. I will return to it and then will have a better understanding of what touched me so deeply... Thank you. 🙏❤

This is very familiar. Thank you for addressing the nuances of this experience.

You spoke to my heart. Thank you. That is all.

I soooooo recognize the part where you say you thought it was something in you that changed the narcissist... I thought so too, so I kept trying and trying and trying in my adulthood also to change my alcoholic husband, my second relationship because I think ok then this is the one who's going to save me/love me.... And finally I'm learning (12 step program) let go, keep trusting, it's not your ability to change anyone but yourself 🙏🏻

Thank you for sharing your experiences and insights. You say what many of us are living. It helps to hear we’re not alone and not bad and not crazy.

Grateful to have found you. I see you ☀️

This was beautiful & oh hell yeah I identify & have finally learned to love & accept myself all while reaching for more healing & happiness🙏💝

Listening to your relationship with your step dad, as you were talking, I fucking broke down and started shaking😮‍💨 definitely resonated with me~ now to find it🙏🏻 Sorry for the language 😭

Yes! I experienced this with my now ex husband for over 15 years. Thank you for all that you talk about 🙏🏼♥️

My story.

I watched this video 3 times. My life story is as sad and complex as yours, in diferent ways, and I've been taken care of by some good mental health professionals. BUT, only recently I found someone who really knows how to approach and deeply understand this kind of complex trauma. I'm halfway through "Believing me". Will come back to you. Thank you for your courage and generosity.

Thank you for explaining trauma bond chemistry. You explained how I feel, and that's why I'm currently working on healing myself. This video is very helpful ♥️

I definitely can relate to the idea that per society (and per my own opinion) my trauma was not that bad. Had a mentally ill alcoholic mother. Dad left when I was six and was later forced to take custody. He blamed me for not being a good enough psuedo mom to younger siblings. We had food to eat and a “roof over our heads” at least with him. He was divorced five times and per my therapist was likely a narcissist. It was verbal abuse, emotional abuse and neglect and lack of medical care and clothing. So not as bad as the poor children that are physically abused all the time.

I can so relate to what you have shared. Thank you so much for sharing. I understand the feeling of prostituting yourself. I feel like I try so hard to be what I think others want and I slip into it before I know I am doing it but I am changing slowly and people like you are a huge help ..a godsend. Thank you and God bless you!❤❤❤

I got goosebumps..this is what i needed to hear.

Omg. I am not a cryer, but I am bawling my eyes out. Every part of this resonates so much with my own experience, where I’ve always felt so alone. Thank you so much for sharing this and for your vulnerability!

Unfortunately, I relate. Thanks for your transparency. It helps 🙏🏽

Wow. Brilliantly articulated. Thank you for sharing this. Very helpful. And profound insights. Thx. also for your two podcasts with Dr. Ramani. Thank you.🎉

Hi lovely Yes, I totally relate ❤

While I'm at it. I have another brother who married someone when she was pregnant by someone else. Fast forward15 years and my friend said, "She let me feel her tits". A short time later she kept coming over to my hotel room and I told her, " Don't come over anymore, I don't know if I can trust myself". You guessed it, she came over again, and wouldn't take no for an answer when I refused to go downstairs for a drink. I forgive myself. I was messed up from birth born into a toxic home. I can relate Ingrid. Thank You for sharing.

Thank you for the video, it had a profound effect on me

Thank you for making these videos

I believe you bc my sisters and I grew up around BAPTIST child gropers. I am older, people didn't tell back then bc kids were hit and it was uncle and grandpa. We tore his pictures up, we didn't tell on the other Uncle bc he was a slow learner dyslexic and maybe he was an aspergers. But we had too mean alcoholic moonshiner and bootleggers. Destroyed many lives.

If you're an independent actress, you're truly one of the best I've ever seen. Had me 😢

Ingrid, The dynamic that you talk about in this video and how your stepfather treated you, isn't that how narcissists are made? It's interesting how some kids turn out narcissist's because of growing In that dynamic and some don't (like you). Can you do a video about why this happens in your opinion? Thanks for all you do!

That is how my exBoyfriend made me feel. After decades of being in a marriage that I didn’t feel seen and heard, he saw me and made me feel special. I knew he should be forbidden. I knew he was a liar but the euphoria he gave me was addictive.

I have a question. How did that affect your relationship with your Mother? I believe that my youngest daughter most likely experienced this kind of thing with her step-dad. The situation seemed to put a wedge between us that was never there before. His put downs and abuse of me were so bad that I had to seek therapy for myself as I was literally shaking alot. Have you repaired your relationship with your Mother? I will tell you this that the bond between a mother and a child is biologically very strong. I would say it is stronger than with the father; the relationship is secondary to the subconscious bond of a mother and child. My Mother died before there could really be any healing. It has been 3 years. My situation was so severe. I had to go through all the bad memories of her first (she turned to alcohol) and now I can have good memories of her. I have done my best to heal the relationships with all my daughters so that when I pass it hopefully will be easier for them. Sometimes I just bite my tongue and not say somethings especially with my oldest daughter because I know what they will go through when I am gone. My blueprint from childhood turned my life into a train wreck. Each male I got with just got worse. It was like a very bad computer program. It took therapy to finally take the blinders off. Things are not perfect but I see things that most people do not see. I still have a very hard time with conflict.. It just wears me out. I would rather do the flight, freeze, and fawn thing. At least I do it consciously. I do have more peace these day and I want the same for my daughters. Mothers usually take a beating that is not acknowledged as the narcissist takes all the time.

💗🙏🙏🙏🙏

Very powerful video! I'd love to read ur memoir but can't get it since m in India. How can I get? Much love ❤️

This is so good. Thank you. And, of course, when you are powerless and invisible and you find a effective currency, you use it! ❤️‍🩹