😈 FINISH LISTENING TO ALL THE STORIES HERE ▶ kzfaq.info/sun/PL5FcevqxOz5tuU1qghkOUcBqGKHKXHO0f 📮 SUBMIT YOUR OWN STORIES HERE ▶ amithejerk.com/submit

There was a friendly little old man customer at a store I once worked at. He came through my register, and when I asked him if he wanted a bag (A common question where I live, because even a few years ago, we charged for them and many people preferred to bring their own) he promptly replied, and with a grin on his face, "I've already got one, thanks. She's waiting in the car!" That one cracked me up, indeed.

I was always proud of how I replied when my mum told me to grow up and act my age: "Im 13 years old Mum! I __am__ acting my age!"

The spouse jokes reminded me of one where the wife played one on her husband. They were at a party with his work and they never meet her before. One of his coworkers came up to them and said “oh this must be your wife” The wife without missing a beat turned to her husband and shouts “you have a wife!?!” I would feel so sorry for that coworker thinking he messed up.

I was at a party some years ago. The hostess of the party- a friend, mind you- has a rather large and brassy personality and, at one point in the evening, I commented as such. Hearing my comment, she turned to me and said, "You couldn't handle me if I came with instructions!' to which I (unexpectedly) responded, "Woman, if you came with instructions, they'd most likely be printed in another language that, when translated into English, still wouldn't make any damned sense!" There was a moment of stunned silence as everyone in the room took a second to digest what I had said. Then, there was a collective, "DAYUM!" and the room exploded with laughter. My friend came over and hugged me with tears in her eyes from laughing. Good times!

A while ago I was working for a high-end contractor specializing in historic houses, churches, and rich people. I was doing something with a cordless screwgun to the ceiling of a 300-year-old rowhouse a few blocks from Independence Hall. It had been bought by a South American millionaire lady. When her boy-toy came into the room where I was working, he said to me in a very derisive voice, "when this house was built, they didn't have cordless tools!" I looks down at him, and said in the same tone of voice, "what are you talking about? That's ALL they had!" He turned around, and fled the room.

i was having a conversation with a group of people when doing a lab in bio. my group wanted me to do something not nice or something idk but they said "fall into peer pressure". I calmly replied "i dont fall into peer pressure, i fall into my morals." i dont believe I have a better one

A person at self check out was having trouble scanning a 24 pack of toilet paper. I said to them, "Looks like you got some serious shit going down '

Another retort for "Can I ask a stupid question?" "Better than anyone I know." Spur of the moment wisecrack I made at a Christmas party where we were playing whose line is it anyway? Let's call him Charlie (he's being a counsellor): "Come on, guys. Calm down. We can work it out." Me, pretending to be very angry, "We can work it out? Who do you think you are, The Beatles?" This set off some laughter. I must have done all right, because I won that particular game. :)

I was behind a friend of mine in line at a grocery store once and when the cashier asked if he "wanted his bleach in a bag" he replied with "just leave it in the jug, it'll be easier to pour". Funniest part was she didn't get it until after he'd left and she was ringing my stuff up. I use this line every chance I get now

My favorite is one of my own: I used to work in customer service for the agency that pays Military Retirees. Every January when annual pay raises (COLAs) went into effect, some old dude, with too much time on his hands, would call and WHINE about how come the Active Duty COLA was higher than the one the retirees were getting. Without missing a beat, I answered, "Because you're not getting SHOT at anymore." ABSOLUTE SILENCE. EVERY SINGLE TIME. [and NO, I was not fired for this comeback!]

I once had someone who way WAY too young to smoke ask me for a cigarette. I told them, "Sorry, I don't smoke." As I puffed on a cigarette. They had no idea what to say to that.

Lady Astor: Winston, you are drunk! Winston Churchill: And, you are ugly...I, however, shall be sober in the morning.

I was in science my teacher said something along the lines "The marker does not mix water as though its attracted to itself." I said it out loud without realizing it, "That marker has more self confidence then a teenager." With a deadpan voice, my teacher laughed at it and said yup thats true.

I was about 6 when my mother gave me the "if you play with matches you will get burned" speech. I replied, "okay, that's fair."

As my sister-in-law and I were leaving a concert years ago some dude decided to flash us. My sister-in-law got all embarrassed. and upset, blurting out "Did you just see what that guy did?" I just calmly continued on walking and replied loud enough for him to hear "I don't bother with LITTLE boys."

I remember one time when I was in like 4th grade and my class was I think getting back from lunch bc we were in line, and someone behind me made a “Yo Mama” joke to me. And me being a naive little girl who loved her mom very much, I was personally offended by it. Unfortunately, I don’t remember exactly what was said either by me or the joker kid, but I do remember that my response was savage enough to make the entire line go *_“OOOHHHHHHHH!”_*

When I was in highschool me and this chick had detention, next day I walk into class and she says out loud to me "how was it having to stay after school?" And I turned around and said "you tell me you were there too" she got so pissed😅

Back in the 1960’s UK TV on a Sunday had religious discussion programmes. This one day they had the Rev. Ian Paisley, a right wing Unionist politician from Northern Ireland on the show and Malcolm Muggeridge, a Journalist, satirist and ethics commentator. Paisley said something aggressive and reactionary, as he usually did and Muggeridge responded ‘I shall treat that remark with the contempt it deserves. Go back to the insignificance from which you should never have come’. It was said with such politeness, aplomb and pertinence that Rev. Paisley shut up for the rest of the show!🤣🤣🤣

My grandpa used to complain that, “you women are always late. You’d be late to your own funeral.” My daughter was eight when she asked, “ You wanted us early?” My grandpa roared laughing and never used that expression again. 😂

I always got made fun of cause of my weight. One of my bullies would always call me a fat cow.. Well one day out of no where he did it again and I just replied with "Moo, Mothereffer" in the most deadpan serious of tone I could come up with. Kinda threw him off base and his cohort of friends too. They stopped calling me a cow after that.

My favorite historical, possibly apocryphal, comeback comes from the Algonquin Round Table in the 1920s. it had just been reported that Calvin Coolidge had passed away. Most commonly quoted is Dorothy Parker’s response: “How Could they Tell?” My favorite is Robert benchley’s response: “he was smiling.” Good thing that Herbert Hoover made everyone happy afterwards.

Me and one of the football players got into it and i got tired of daily bs he called me gay and i replied with if i wanted a comeback from you id wipe your lips off dead silence followed by raucous laughter

A co-worker and I were having a disagreement when he suddenly sighed and said, "I'm starting to think I should just add the word 'a**hole' to the end of every sentence when I talk to you." Credit where it is due, that's an instant classic.😂😂😂😂

One of the best retorts I've ever heard of is when author and criic Dorothy Parker was told that President Calvin Coolidge had died. "How can they tell?"

So, my cousin was making fun of my weight, and my grandfather (keep in mine, me, and my cousin are both his grandchildren) says to my cousin, "Well, you ain't no slimjim either!" 😂 I miss that man

In 6 th grade, my twin brother and another kid were in an insulting match. My brother was just insulting about how this other kids dad over dosed when he was younger. Other kid insulting my twins haircut, looks and just other random stuff. Then he says to my brother "Your mom is the definition of ugly" and the entire lunch table erupts in laughter, my self included, my twin even chuckled and said " And your dad is the definition of dead" as the lunch table erupts in laughter even more, that was the last roasting match on the year

A twit of a guy confronted me once about money owed. I run an association he hadn't payed his homeowners dues, not an h.o.a. After informing him that he was late and needed to take care of this he got pissy saying you don't want to play hard ball with him. I'm a 5'3" female. He was 6'. I looked at him responding Don't worry I got a bigger bat. My husband chuckled about that. The first time i had a come back that wasn't at 3 am.

I don’t know if this would count as a comeback, but I felt pretty witty. So in high school English, there was this kid who I didn’t really like. He asked the teacher what the difference between assault and insult was. I don’t know what over came me, but I turned towards him so fast and responded, “assault would be if I attacked you. Insult would be if I called you an idiot.” I don’t remember him responding but the teacher seemed a little taken aback but nodded that I was right.

Arguing with mom. "Dad would let me" "Do I look like your father? " " A little around the beard"

The inbred comment ! 😂😂😂😂. That’s a witty comeback too

That world war 2 one took me awhile, but it's definitely accurate 😂

This may be apocryphal, although the available evidence tends to back it up. Lady Margot Asquith was introduced to Jean Harlow at a party. Harlow persisted in calling her "Mar-gott", pronouncing and stressing the "t" in Margot. Finally, tried beyond endurance, the famously acid-tongued and quick-witted peer replied, "No, no dear. The "T" is silent - as in Harlow."

Not one I did but someone in my class. Basically I have a very chaotic history class, no one real behaves and there’s one girl who really tries but isn’t the brightest and has difficulty reading. Because of this she often gets laughed at, not bullied really but mocked, especially from one boy in the class who I’ll call Jacob. Now one time this girl asked or said something and people laghed. Miss scalded them saying it was an honest mistake or a fair question and that it wasn’t funny. Jacob responded “it kind of is miss you have to admit” Miss said “no it’s not funny the classroom is supposed to be a safe space” He instantly shot back “American schools aren’t safe” most of the class erupted in laughter and even miss smiled slightly. We’re a British school by the way and he was referring to school shootings in the USA.

What is the game in the Background. It looks so beautiful and peacefull

Its really hard to deliver sick burns when you have a stutter.

Churchill is such a great person. I love him.

Told my brother that he had a genius for the obvious, he thanked me

at 38 I was in diesel mechanic's school and was getting razzed for being " old" and I finally snapped at this young girl. I said " After graduation why don't you get married and make some else;s life miserable ?! " The others with me laffed and she slinked away !!

7:34 “I’m a plumber. Stuck-up pieces of shit are my business.”

Story 22: It was a snappy and witty comeback, but the burn on that VP was deep.

The grandmother should have asked the telemarketer if they knew how to perform a seance, or use a quja board!

Another classic Churchill one... WOMAN: "Sir Winston, you are drunk!" CHURCHILL: "And madam, you are ugly. And tomorrow I will be sober and you will still be ugly." And this one isn't so much a comeback as an insult... CHURCHILL: "Madam, would you sleep with me for a million pounds?" WOMAN: "Why, yes, Mr. Churchill, I would." CHURCHILL: "Madam, would you sleep with me for one pound?" WOMAN: "Why, Mr. Churchill! What kind of lady do you think I am?" CHURCHILL: "Madam, we've already established what kind of lady you are. Now we're just haggling over price."

Me: "Class was absolutely crazy!" The jerk in the class: "Wait?' Me: The jerk: "WAIT?" Me: The jerk: "Who asked?" Me: "Um...why are you asking me? Don't you hate me?" The jerk:

I remember this exchange with cops and some prankster kids that hang out by my job. Kid "Hey, officer, you wanna see my nuts" (gives confused wtf look goes over to Sargent and brings him over). Kid (to both officers now). Hey, im gonna show you my nuts (holds up peanut can) Sargent: "Hey you wanna see a pussy?" Kid sure Sargent: "Well turn around and look straight ahead" (looks into a mirror and gets defeated look everyone laughs).

What is this game! It looks so peaceful!

My recent favorite is a YT vid called 'He's Bully Proof'... KID ONE: 'Your weiner's the size of a Tic Tac.' KID TWO: 'That's why your mom's breath smells so good...'

"There are mentally impaired children in France that know French" I don't know who that burns more, the French Teacher or the kid.

This is on Instagram. There is a reel about a newborn was accidentally hit by a nurse on the head and started crying and 15 years later the "I'm free" meme from TikTok. This guy in the comment: Who let him out of the sped class? Me: Who let you out of humanity class?

@ 7:20 then, can I say... "I'm a geologist, fossils are my business." actually, can someone think up something better?

When asked by my wife what the name of my girlfriend was I responded , I can't afford the woman I've got what in the world would I do with another one ? I was always truthful with her and she rarely believed me . Her loss , been divorced 25y now still single , I learn from my mistakes . I guess that's the reason why I'm no longer broke .

Mine was some asshole in middle school picking on me about how I'm so white. My answer: why do you think your mom's smiles so white too. Needless to say,.the crowd went wild

Friend got married in September 2013, they bought a dog as a joint wedding gift (female, a cute black labrador). Two years later, wife moved out to another guy. Splitting their assets, she basically took most of decorations, furniture, some kitchen appliances. Then, she sat with my friend and ask him: "You know, I am moving from this small flat to a big house with garden, maybe dog should come with me?" To which my guy responded: "Take the washing machine, take the bed and the matress, even dissasemble the wardrobe in the bedroom, but, for the love of God, let me have at least one loyal b!tch in my house." I was not there to see it, but just when my friend finished this part, she entered his place to take her clothes while her dude was in the car downstairs. My smile and muffled hysterical laughter were enough to let her know that I know.

6:13 I would’ve responded with, “I’m sorry, but I’m less snake and more crow, so go on and slither out of here like the serpent you are!” Edit: the reason I would’ve said crow is because I know that I am intelligent, and so wanted to make a comparison to what is basically one of the smartest animals out there.

9:16 "I'll definitely help to arrange your meeting, if you ever come near, although you'll likely go to other side of the eternal life than him"

Is he playing Skyrim? That really looks like Skyrim

One of the guys in class GC was being a smartass and a creep to a girl. So me and my friend, on new year's ever made several memes on him (viciously funny) and posted them on the gc. Everyone went nuts. He left our whatsapp group after that. He downloaded discord, made the few who were clowning him. Then sent a message ,"I'll fuck everybody's mom". I said, "Is your name Everybody?"

Got bullied in school when I was younger enough and wasn't the kind to think up swift words to say a shit at the time, not quick enough anyhow. So I made sure I would not end up to High School with the same people on my class. As in - I arranged myself to spend a year in another a country as an exchange student. When I came back year later to go on with the year younger students - that class was absolutely and entirely different - but about year later yet, some others from my old class came back having done the same thing I did, only well, year later. And that started from time to time eat into the class spirit cause those rats just did not know how to behave. So towards end of High School, few weeks before the finals, we had one of those really useless classes when the teacher brings in some older people from some university or which ever other educational institution to tell us how much fun they have arranging parties and such in their next place of education - never even actually bothering to tell us, what the fuck one studies there and what sort of professions you will have for choosing that path. I was annoyed and tired. I would have preferred to spend the time prepping for the finals - and thus walking out the class - I told our class boss after yawning that it was boring, useless and entirely waste of time to have to join for those classes given that there would have been more important prepping to do before the finals. Before she even managed to say a thing - one of those rats started to imitate my voice and words, probably assuming that someone would laugh at me as we walked down the stairs. The class boss commented off the topic, saying that she was still upset over the class party we had the weekend before, where some people had broken things at her house. Mind you, not home of her parents - her very own house. Saying that she didn't know why all those things began to happen in our class on the last year, when it wasn't our way to begin with. I got that she was ignoring the person for me on purpose. But that gave me just enough time to blurt a bit stuttering out a question asking 'Have you ever heard such a feminine voice on a man?' That's when he never again tried any of his shit on me, and I tell you, just trying to imitate your voice or words is not that huge of a deal. I mean, there had been a ton of crap before that - so I told the class boss while that guy was still in range of hearing that sadly our class got stuffed with a number of people from my old class, which I purposefully escaped doing what I had done with the exchange year. And that class was not one with any sense of manners or decency even towards it's own - they were literally known for trashing places where they arranged parties - and thus could no longer have any, as people would not agree to it. And so they would crash now the parties of the other classes - especially if set a class had some of their former class mates. While I wanted nothing to do with those people - some of them did get the heads up likely from people who had been stuffed with us. So it was no wonder things started to go bad. Anyhow - she asked into the matter further and a couple of those people were there after banned from all of the rest of the parties left. And that did turn things back towards the way they were. I am still surprised no-one had realized before what was happening. But then again, those people in my High School class were really kind, sweet and welcoming - having been all together since they were kids. So I figure they just weren't expecting the shit. Not that it necessarily results to that kind of people, cause my old class before them, had been together the same way - they just were the very opposite. But I can just assume, that's why they didn't instantly realize where all the mess started to slowly leak in from - while for me it was a saddening reality almost instantly... until then. Stupidly that short of a thing isn't even something you can warn others about - cause of the way it sounds to those who haven't had the experience of it before. I still wish I had known to tell about it somehow before. But for myself, I feel so damned proud about trashing his voice when he had been trying to use mine to do the old sort of crap on me. No that guy wasn't the worst among them - but he was part of the same gang who always would put the mess. Such a tiny and insignificant victory, but very satisfying. And no, the following parties we still had didn't run into the 'trash it squad' so at least that's a bonus.

Jimmy Carrs laugh sounds like a Loud Seal

Let me tell one So all my friends have started calling me magic cause when ever my friends want their girlfriends to go way they call me over and tell all disappear even my mom

New vid!

What’s the game in the background?

#8 is an old joke

Yo

What game is that? That little fox is adorable

🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

Actually early this time

10:13 I don't get it, what follows

😂😂😂

only 12 comments?

Can you tell who first came up with the theory of asexual reproduction? Your wife?

Last

5:25 Story #11 doesn’t make any sense. The guys name does have a D in it, so he would’ve said yes and the joke wouldn’t have worked. 🙄

I AM THE 666TH LIKE

Terrible.

I once accidentally said “I don’t remember asking” to someone. Basically someone started talking about how well he did at football and I, having no interest in football, said “I have no recollection of myself inquiring about your football game” or something like that. Basically a more formal way of saying I didn’t ask but I didn’t intentionally paraphrase that it just kind of happened.