As an FA who's always trying to provide people with the 'best' date or best experience and attend to all of their needs-I almost experience this rubber band snap where at some point down the line I think "this person feels close to me but they don't know me at all. I've just given them what they want but they don't know the real me." And that's when my avoidant tendencies kick in and I ghost or act like I was never interested at all.

Watching these videos is simultaneously emotionally draining and comforting and it’s making my brain confused 😂

How to feel safe in relationships 1. Recognize it doesn't have to always be a high/great 2. Question expectations n where the other person is coming from so u can relax 3. Recognize the pressure you're putting on yourself about managing everyone's life 4. Ask what people need; don't just guess 5. Recognize fears n organized connection strategies (direct communication; lists) as to what to do 6. Recognize the stories u tell n separate from reality 7. Communicate needs instead of the guessing game overtime

I thought of a good way for FA's to adjust from 'intensity' to 'stability' phase; try and think about the colours red and pink, they are both associated with love, but red is intense passion, and pink is caring and loving. to get red to white you need to add white, and you can think of it as adding a little more space, and intensity dying down a little. in time you can always 'spice' up the relationship back to red when you need to. I also like to go a step further and thinking of 'adding white' as adding a 'stabiliser' (like they do in food production) which may get in between the red molecules and fade colour (into pink/lighter red) but its essential to all supermarket foods to make them last longer (and so... your relationship!).

Wow. This is happening in my relationship. As a FA leaning anxious I’ve never experienced the feeling of settling or relaxing into the next phase because as soon as there’s a shift in dynamic or I perceive my bf putting in less effort then I start to panic and make it mean I’m not important anymore or they’re not invested or the whole thing is fundamentally flawed. I’m always preparing for an ending and hyper attuned to everything that might indicate one is coming...

This is SO me. It sucks because we deeply desire to trust someone to love us but trust is so hard when we’ve never gotten to experience that from our caregivers. I wish more people were understanding of this, because for me even when these insecurities have been expressed there has only been more rejection. So the pattern continues. So repetitively hurtful.

Thank you Thais for the insights. I realize now that when you said "create conflict" I'm either looking for validation or proof that I am loved and that they are indeed part of the relationship. It is very tiring, it's like beating a hornets' nest for proof that I am loveable or that I am constantly testing them to see what they are really like and how far they can be pushed before they leave. It's like I can't relax and feel like I'm in a constant state of hypervigilance and suffocating. It's usually around this stage that I leave or push them away to prove that I am better off alone and unloveable.

How can you tell the difference between your expectations that need to be questioned and just the person not putting enough effort in?

Every video about fearful avoidants I feel like your literally taking about me! I do all the things you describe .. and as much as it’s cringeworthy it feels good to know I’m not crazy and obviously other people experience this!

It's so true craving that high and passion...but one of my main reasons for why I think I do it...which connects in with me 'not being enough' is I worry that...if I was just chill and relaxed and fully me...with less highs and passions....without feeling the need to 'perform and be perfect'...that the person would get bored of me when they see real me and be like...oh is that all? Then move on cos I don't excite them anymore...ie I'm not good enough. So yeah I always feel this pressure to...make them spark (usually in a good way although of course I've poked in ways I shouldn't)...just so they feel energised and excited and curious and wanting to explore life with me. It's this innate fear that the real me is boring, unworthy and never worth the effort to push past the tough stuff.

When I stopped being perfect, everyone got insecure I wasn’t meeting their needs, assumed I was a danger/threat/judging/excluding them, and rushed to gossip/exclude/insult/bully/degrade me . No one I was friends with, had self esteem or believed they were lovable. That’s the thing with overhelping and being FA. You attract weak insecure or DA people who leave when YOU may need support. Do not check in , because never get to point that can soothe their own insecurity enough to approach you. I set up the dynamic where I always approached them or always responded over available. It was during a hard time of my life, and I backed away in pain, and came back to being bullied by long time friends, men who used me for an ego boost and degraded me publicly thinking I judged them, women who were jealous of me and stirred aggression towards me. I completely broke. At that point I could t stay dissociated anymore (happens from all emotional invalidation, gaslighting in childhood). Felt such deep pain that I knew I was emotionally unstable and completely frightened of people. Could have connected to my emotional side and not just stuck in logical side, so could sense I was unsafe, if did guided somatic psychotherapy and CBT earlier. Once I ran out of logic and past experience, I was easily manipulated because looked to the same people hurting me for knowledge versus trusting my intuition, setting boundaries between friends and therapists in one. This attachment style from trauma followed by abusive gaslighting, set me up to have zero boundaries, hypervigilant, until first time I took a break and all my nightmares came true because I didn’t have friends I had insecure leeches around me group bullying excluding me, DAs afraid I’d exclude them first. Learn from this. Evil hides in plain sight some nice people are evil cowards, putting in a social front. Make sure you are in touch with self so can ensure niceness are actions consistently with meeting your needs. If cannot connect to your needs, cannot even start to realistically and consistently validate others. Will abuse you doe eyed, and act like nothing’s wrong, invalidating you and overpowering you in a group. Prevention matters to say I don’t desire this for myself and leave. To not engage and debate in confusion where can get a group to bully you, especially when jealous/intimidated/insecure around you.

Your videos have been so revealing to me. I’m binge watching your channel and I feel so much clarity already! Wow wow wow

This was just amazing! Thank you. I am in the middle of DA in FA and for the longest time I thought something was wrong with me. Now that I have a greater understanding of myself I am able to share with with my partner information that put into words of understanding.

My fearful avoidant ex just ended things with me recently. It was tiring-consisted of me communicating my needs and him never saying anything leading him bottling things up and then exploding. But what really killed me was when he said I didn’t actually like him and my efforts as a girlfriend was questionable. I showed him affection as much as possible and affirm with words. And whenever I couldn’t meet up I would explain the situation (due to school and family commitments) but he took me not being able to meet up much as me not liking him.

I am so happy and relieved to have found your videos! I’m an FA and had never considered attachment disorders much less heard of these. I identify with so much that I have been attributing to my depression and anxiety. I’ve recently realized that I’ve been living in survival mode, but couldn’t quite focus in on why. Your explanation of the fearful avoidant attachment clearly speaks and resonates to my experience. Thank you so much for sharing these videos with us!

Thank you so much for all your efforts to help each of with your skills, knowledge, and gifts. You are so generous on so many levels. You are a model of what a FA can become healed. Thank you!

I relate to this so much - thank you!! 🥰 I appreciate how you mention the positive things that FAs can bring to a relationship (once they learn to moderate/balance these innate tendencies)- while equally how this can go too far to the point where they are so hypervigilant that they burn out. It’s certainly highly important to feel a sense of security and comfort in a relationship. I very much relate to the part where you say FA’s find it hard to tell the difference between love and infatuation. I remember with my ex, I was so keen to always be bringing my best to the relationship and for us not to become “over-familiar” with each other or (God forbid!! 😲😂) get into an argument- that if I wasn’t feeling my best I would prefer not to see him that day and to spend time alone. I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing to carve out time to yourself in a relationship ... there is definitely such a thing as overfamiliarity , which has a tendency to breed resentment and annoyance and also be a major passion killer . However, I think I took it a little far in the opposite direction because I was so fixated on keeping the relationship “harmonious” and not wanting him to see me in any state other than my best that it created this underlying tension in the background. He was hurt by the idea of me needing time to myself...I would spend almost all weekends with him and if I even wanted to leave a few hours early on the Sunday, he would get extremely sulky and pissed. I think that points to some major attachment issues on his part, but in the opposite direction! I am learning so much for your channel and I am really excited by the idea of rewiring my subconscious so I can enjoy much more healthy, fulfilling and joyful relationships. Thank you so much for providing all this info for free - you are a Godsend and a real humanitarian! ❤️🥰🙏

Thais that was really helpful. Love the checking in once a week strategy to see how needs are being met. As a FA I tend not to go the distance in relationships always bailing out anywhere from 3 weeks to a couple of months. I stayed in my marriage the longest because we had 2 children. There’s always this rush to get to the love stage & looking for strategies to keep the love, in the end it’s either pushed away or I feel like my needs are not being met and I walk away, all the while I haven’t done a good job expressing my needs or even really knowing what was missing. I’m not even sure I really know what love is. Thank you for this. I’m learning..

I've come such a long way with hypervigilance and intensity and have become more and more secure. It's a great reminder though that the "sea that I swim in" is still that FA deep, preverbal conditioning. Thanks, Thais.

You're an angel, thank you

I'm just soaking up as much of this, incredible content, as I possibly can! Thank you SO much for all your hard work, it truly is such a blessing!! ✨🌟🥰😊💜💐🌱

It's like the secret that I keep to myself and you ripped it out of me. I realized that I always looking for the high's in relationship, especially when I've been through the honeymoon phase. I've trying to pick on tiny little thing and make a problem out of it as a "prevention of a heartbreak" because I thought I've known better. Didn't realized all I do is just trying to create familiar situation as when I was growing up when everything is unpredictable and anything could go wrong anytime. After all it's an unecesary defends that I do for myself

This is absolutely fantastic content. Thank you

What about when these subconscious fears make you feel like you aren’t in love anymore? I feel so in love then so out of love and then back in love again. It’s exhausting for me and my partner. And when the fear comes it’s like anxiety takes over any feelings of love that were once there

I am taken completely aback by how much I am nodding along with everything you've said about fearful avoidant. Everything about all your FA videos, from the early child hood creation of the FA, to what feelings feel like, to what we hope for/need in relationships speaks directly to my experience. I'm talking about my inner experience as well as external. All of these qualities are things that I have been made to feel guilty for in all my relationships, the times I retreated to take care of myself, even if it were for an hour, would trigger cascades of hurt and rage about the hurt from my partners, and I thought there was really something really very deeply wrong with me, that who I was when I was just being myself was innately painful to those I loved, and that if I truly cared about my partner I would get help to change every single thing about myself including my instinctual responses to every day events and my personal needs in times of personal needs, such as illnesses or grief. Its amazing how quickly I was willing to take on the role as the only thing wrong with the relationships, and even when I was aware that I was taking on things that weren't mine, or that weren't fair, or were an obvious boundary overreach into my personal being. I wonder if that's the key thing though, the reason I became a fearful avoidant to begin with was that my parents made me feel like there was something wrong with me, something about me made them not want to love me, and that once a person came into the inner core of my life I believed they would be confronted with the part of me that was there, the part who's parents couldn't even love it. jeeeze if I were a petty con artist, I would hunt high and low for a single and available fearful avoidant, abd I'd make them fall in love with me, after which point I'd start the suffering lover act. I started this comment with sorrow wishing I could show these videos to my ex partner as some sort of amends and explanation, but ended it feeling pretty pissed off. (haha for more, please see How the Fearful Avoidant Reacts to a Break Up) I'm looking forward to employing the perspective that attachment styles brings, so I can actually tackle some of the parts of myself that I (key word being I) would like to change, and do it with empathy. AND gratitude that as a child I developed such effective ways to protect myself. I clearly thought there was something worth protecting then!

You really must have a partner who understands this behavior because it can become very taxing to the partner and that is where I sometimes feel bad. Why should they have to reassure me everyday because I can’t get it together. Oh the mind of a fearful avoidant!🤦🏽‍♀️

Hi, love this and can totally relate. Could you do a video of what love feels like when you are on healing and moving towards a more secure attachment style.

I've never been so confused about how I feel towards someone as I was when I was close friends with another FA. Through these videos I'm better understanding the reasons behind certain actions.

"it can be extremely draining to be constantly in the state of guessing, figuring out, trying to decide, understand. It's just a lot of pressure, a lot of weight to carry. And again, it's create the breeding ground for resentment over time." The truest words I've heard. I wanted it to work, I wanted to succeed and get past this but for some reason she was just stuck in her ways and nothing would get to her. She wouldn't even open up and talk about it either. It was like pulling teeth with her because she just wouldn't say anything but be in this Doom and Gloom state. So, I would be overanalyzing, over evaluating, guessing, imagining what exactly I did wrong or she wasn't happy with. I look back things we did, said, went to, and didn't do. I would put myself in her shoes and imagine how she would feel if I said this or that in a certain way. Then once everything failed, she still left me and I resented her for a while.... But that slowly changed and I ended up blaming myself for not being able to figure it out, for giving up at the end. Why couldn't I fix this? Why am I so obsessed, so passionate? Why couldn't I just let her go and accept that we had a major compatibility issue? Sigh..

Wow, I *am* fearful avoidant. I am in awe.

Thank you so much! This video exactly explains how I feel right now and I will surely try to apply the strategies! Maybe if you can make more videos relating to this topic or the subtopics! 😊👍

Reminder to not blame ourselves for doing this. We're here and we're learning and we're trying and there are two persons in a relationship, so if it doesn't work out it isn't necessarily just because of us.

I'm DA that was in a relationship with an FA and this is exactly how things played out when the relationship was coming to a close, it walloped me and felt like the only break up I ever had in my life. Wish I knew this info back then so I could have communicated better instead of withdrawaling.

You should apply the attachment styles to parenting. How does each style affect parenting, parents space as well as the child's space within those dynamics. Then, how to fix it so that the parent can be the best possible influence on the child.. Specific strategies for the parent to utilize mindfully to influence their child's attachment style in the most healthy way. Identify the underlying strategies to be a better parent & give the tools to follow through consistently.

This was very informative, thank you

so so good. such gr8 helpful information

I really enjoy all your videos and am learning a lot from them. Thank you! Wondering if you have any videos to help someone who was raised by a parent with Borderline Personality Disorder.

im dating a FA and everything that she's saying is. True. im an AP but ive been working on myslef so much. I can literally time her breakdowns now. We have periods of time where there is peace, but then shortly after she stirs up conflict (almost out of nowhere). It feels chaotic.

I'm 100% fearful avoidant, recently discovered after finding your videos and it's such a massive relief to be understood! I tick every box for a high functioning FA and I really want to learn how to have healthy relationships. My problem with my ex was, that he was so chilled out and secure that he never had anything more to say than 'yeah fine, were fine' which didn't reassure me at all 😂 but I always expected more of him, I perceived I was doing everything in the relationship and it was coasting and putting in no effort, and I didn't know how to handle the post honeymoon phase so we broke up..

This is helpful thank you

U always leave anxious last , the waiting makes me ... anxious 😂

I found out I am FA and trying to fix myself.. watched all these videos and everything resonates with my experience. Before I knew about FA, i have tried the religious way, spiritual way, everything but nothing works well. So i was so excited and expected the change might finally happens to me and my relationship. But no... even though I knew my pattern, I knew my weakness, I still can't really control myself to feel unsafe.. and this mistake still harms me and my loved one. I m giving up trying and just want to be in my safe place, which is only me to myself.

In a relationship for 8 years and thinking I would rather just he alone at this point. So draining.

Great insight, excellent presentation! No one has a grasp on this life changing information like you. Thank you!

Thank You 💕😊

Thank you alot

Thank you ❤️

Interesting that this is FA characteristic. My primary pattern was secure and secondary was AP. But some of these things resonate with me, like the hypervigilance and empath, etc.

I was willing to do this but my partner wouldnt/couldn't/didn't want to listen to any needs I had. We were all about him,keeping him HAPPY,his needs and wants. I wish I had found you on you tube earlier because I didn't know any of this stuff and I'm nearly 50 now. And single again.

Awesome video - an ex FA 🌹

i realized i am an FA who dated another FA. it was difficult because our dynamics would shift so much. my partner was very inconsistent and non committal for the first five months in which i stayed patient, understanding, and tried to self soothe while also trying to meet their needs. I knew and accepted my partner as they are and that they may not be able to meet my needs. I essentially didn’t need a lot either. once they started feeling more secure/affectionate, I realized that had a sense of distrust because I was afraid they would become inconsistent again. they also said they didn’t have any needs and i was perfect the way i was. I knew that I wanted my partner to be able to create better boundaries around being able to say “no” and had already given up on hopes that they would initiate things that brought a lot of emotional intimacy such as spending quality time. I was confused then began verbalizing my “needs” (more like a request) and my partner could perfectly meet them but I always felt so far. I became volatile out of nowhere and i didn’t know where it was stemming from and it ended up really hurting our relationship. it brought a lot of shame….. we had serious different ideas of what needs were in the relationship. What I didn’t need was constant assurances, acts of service,,, what I needed was consistency and emotional closeness. but i would ask for the superficial things because i felt like maybe my partner was only capable of meeting the needs I was able to tangibly express. I essentially didn’t innately feel safe in the relationship due to arising abandonment issues. I felt like I as constantly trying to meet my partners needs, my own needs and the needs of the relationship which none of them really truly integrated. My partner only had the emotional capacity to meet one persons need. When that was being spent on me, I could tell that we were running danger of engulfment. I wish I had stayed friends or that somehow we could have created a dynamic where our own self care was the primary responsibility in the relationship that way we could really show up authentically. I feel soooo bad for the volatility and hyper vigilance. but also thankful that my partner was empowered enough to say they couldn’t keep doing this. Surprisingly, my abandonment issue disappeared and I was genuinely hopeful for both of us separately. He doesn’t want to talk and feels really upset/unsafe after the breakup. I wanted to stay friends and have no hard feelings and send him so much love. I want to respect his needs for space and that he can forgive my insecurity within the relationship. One day hopefully we can try again when we both are sufficiently fulfilled within ourselves!

Yes very good information I am I fearful avoidant although I wonder if I am only fearful avoidant in this relationship because I never would’ve answered the quiz questions the way I do in this relationship. But let me ask you this. If I’m married to a dismissive avoidant with Alexithymia and DID, does your Advice still apply

Love your video. Thank u ❤🤗

What is my attachment style if I'm constantly anxious and have thoughts that my partner is in love with someone else and that I'm not good enough. In most of my relationships I compared myself to his the ex girlfriend I felt most threatened by and I always beat myself up saying "I'm not good enough, I'm not as pretty as her, I'll never fulfill my partner the way that his ex did", etc. I get very anxious when I don't hear from my partner after a few hours and I start to wonder if they are losing interest in me. My current partner finds me emotionally exhausting because I'm constantly finding something wrong with the relationship or trying to fix something he says isn't really an issue and I get very dramatic and it's a lot...

How do you know if you don't love them or if you're just a fearful avoidant and you do love them? And you're confused between the two because maybe when you start to feel something for someone it triggers feelings of anxiety and fear? How do you know the anxiety you feel is because they're not the one for you or because you're a fearful avoidant?

THAIS, your amazing thank you, I have a unique request.. Can you make a video about two FAs with one having alot of shame about family and in turn keeps the Relationship separte from family. For fear off the toxicity spilling over to the relationship. The other FA feels they are bieng controlling and kept secret when that may not be the actual story. Thank you.

Thank you so much for sharing this. Could you talk more about what the f a is thinking and feeling when they are on their avoidant side? I understand what happens when they lean anxious. That makes sense to me because I'm an a p. What should I keep in mind when an f a individual is leaning avoidant. Is there anything I can say or do to make things easier for the f a individual? Thanks in advance for any help you can give.

Trying to understand my type of attachment. Feel like I was anxious attached to my mom cuz my dad was not present at all during my childhood emotionally, he was only and rarely there physically to meet my materialistic needs like a house, money etcetera. Also, my mom was really loving and caring at times and also really protective so I think that I was like that when I was younger. Also my shy introverted nature didn't let me go out into the world too much so I was stuck with her for, like, 10 years like I was a baby u know... Then my sister was born and things started to fall apart cuz my mum and dad started fighting everyday, my father was extremely emotionally abusive with her and I started letting all that negativity in without even realizing it, in fact now I bring many traits of my father and mother cuz in that period I was really really disconnected from myself, cuz there was no opportunity to express in even the good ways, cuz my father started to beat me up and triangulating me (also, my mother did that too) into their fights so I was I dunno I really started to play the role of the 'hero' that protected my mother against my father and u know I had to suppress all of my emotions, also in front of my mother so I was all alone. I think at that point I was fearful avoidant and that stuck with me? Like, is that possible? Then all the few relationships (only friends, never a lover cuz I never let my guard down so much, now a lil bit more but it's really difficult cuz it brings up all the suffering of those years) I had lasted long and at start I am on the fearful but then as soon as I feel like I can trust the other person I become more on the anxious side, also maybe the fact that I've seen my mother so much hurt doesn't help cuz I probably unconsciously seek out people that are not gonna be there when I need their emotional support or that are fearful avoidant as well. Is that possible? The last guy I dated I think was fearful avoidant too, like I tend to stink onto the suffering on people cuz I feel like I can be loved if I can help ease their pain, if that makes sense...that also comes from the fact that I had to help my mother in those difficult times, I think. But I also see in myself a reflection of the worst traits of my father like the abusiveness, neglect and possession...so Ive always kept a distance between me and the people I love cuz I am really afraid that I become like him.... Cuz I know that the few people I let in I become like him... Or I have the urge, not that I am like him but I become really abusive at least emotionally... I'm really scared of that part of me cuz maybe I won't be able to understand and accept it and I will find myself abuse others or being abused again, I don't want that....

I love you Thais ❤️

All my " relationships lasted 3 months....then something happens and boom...we are done

Don’t know if you have answered this question before, but what about fearful avoidants that were raised by care givers who weren’t necessarily dealing with “violence” in the household or mood swings/addictions?

I’m sadly in the middle of a divorce with someone that has an attachment disorder. I was never informed of his past until it was too late. We made it about 2.5 years before he decided things were not just going to work. I have dealt with a lot of his fearfulness throughout our 4 years together and i wish I knew more about it from the start but unfortunately here we are. I am still willing to try and make it work but I just don’t know what to say to him as he will not admit or accept that he has this disorder. He was in therapy when he was younger but stopped around the age of 16. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I’m just looking for some guidance when I interact with him so I don’t push him further away. I should include that he has moved on to another relationship but I fear he is simply repeating his past relationships.

I wish I would have found this video two weeks ago any suggestions now that we're split?

In therapy they tell us to stop trying to read people's feelings and cater to their (unstated) needs. I was like "but how"? People seem to expect it though. Even where I hadn't been doing it and caught myself and tried to quit.

Is it possible, that even if one of the parents was relatively consistent, the other wasn't, therefore the child still doesn't know if his\her emotional needs will be meet? (Therefore become a FA?) Let's say (totally not my story of course), that there was a divorce and the child lives with her mother. The mother is relatively warm and consistent, and her father can be also warm but sometimes he bursts out of anger, yelling, etc (not consistent). Is it possible, that although the child only meets her father every 2nd weekend, even her mother is consistent, the damage are still done?

You’ve just described how most every significant relationship I’ve ever had goes. And then ends. Throw in consistently dating DAs and you’ve got yourself a train wreck. If only just realizing this pattern was how to fix it…how do you stop doing something that’s the only thing you know how to do?? What a nightmare.

story o' my life: 41 years in 14 mins

It sounds like I'm a fearful avoidant many of the people I know describe me as "private" which lines up to what you say. But I'm stuck when it comes to relationships I can't even bring myself to go on a date or look at someone or make eye contact. Yes I want that connection but the thought of being with someone that likes me back scares me so much. Where do I even start to fix this?

I relate generally more to the anxious preoccupied/secure, but I also really related to this video. Wonder why?

Thais, I have a few questions, is there an email where I could reach you?

I am so needing your help. I've never known I was fearful avoidant until my fiance and I started to talk. I've had so many problems with my life. Please help me. I don''t have a lot of money. How can I get more help. I've been listening to ALL your videos.

How can I get a scholarship to this online program?

Hi. It sounds more like you are talking about the AA? A little confusing.

If a person perhaps learned to be a dismissive avoidant for the first years of their life, and then sporadic abuse started around age 6 or 7, would that person then develop fearful avoidant strategies, or would they still be DA, or now would they be a blend of the two?

Hi, what is the most accurate test which I can take to know my attachment style? I've taken a few online & the results are not always consistent. Thanks.

I'm a FA that dated a DA (i usually date DA, or FAs). During that relationship I experienced sexual trauma and also a lot of shutting down my needs, my personality, people pleasing. Did not love the DA bt did not feel that I was worthy of more or asking for what I needed. How to I let go of that guilt, shame and resentment of being in that relationship.

Working towards becoming an exFA but not there yet. You mentioned checking in with your partner weekly or whatever to see if everything‘s OK, but what do you do when he says it is. But you still see him distancing himself. To try to find proof of the opposite I went and looked at text messages over the past month. Where he used to send a lot of affectionate emojis I only found one. One in a month. How do you approach a DA who tells you nothings wrong but obviously there is?

How do I apply for a scholarship?

I think my bf is this eay.Do they know they are like this. I want to help him

Thais have you ever met someone who tests as secure but everything they do is dismissive avoidant in actual practice and they think nothing is wrong?

My ex is like this due to terrible events in his life. But there's nothing I can do apart from wish him well. Sad

Is it posible to become an FA, because the father was verbally abusive and never meeting my needs as a child, and my mom was overprotective and over giving, overcompensating and always meeting my needs. Would that create this unpredictability too? Or it has nothing to do with my mom, just with my father being abusive?

Is fearful avoidant (in your videos) the same as disorganized attachment? Thanks

Wow I really wish she would stop sinking my battleship.

I'm AP and My FA broke off our ”friendship” relationship back to friends only after I texted him about our attachment styles. He was offended but I tried to explain it's not offensive but helpful for us both. We were going to meet to discuss in detail and smooth things over but he told me he was out and ignored my text messages to interact that night. I discovered he was on match.com and home. I lost it and told him to F Off, blocked him for three days before I unblocked him. Only to find he has blocked me. I sent an apology note week one and since we've had no contact of 3 weeks. He leaves for overseas for 3 weeks, do I wait for his return to make contact? Is this something we can reconcile? He also I believe blames me that I'm the problem. Help 🆘 , please?

I am going through a breakup with an FA. She left me 6 times in 2018/2019 and came back within 2 to 4 weeks everytime apart from one time where she didn't come back for 4 months. This time she left in December over something so petty. I kept begging and pleading for 2 months. Been no contact 4 weeks and haven't heard a thing. I've heard through the grapevine she still loves me and missed me but has accepted we don't work and is moving on. She doesn't know she is FA and won't accept she is carrying a lot of trauma from her childhood. I give up. Begging and pleading doesn't work. No contact doesn't work 🙄😢

You need to fix your microphone. It’s doesn’t sound too good. Other than that. Great content.

Bingo! It's like she knows me Lol

I honestly feel like I’ll never be able to be in a relationship with someone I’m genuinely in love with.

wow

🤔hmmm... ya knooo...

I’m an FA man married to (what I assume is) a securely attached woman. She is the rock of our family but really doesn’t understand my neurosis at all so there’s this strange disconnect. I would love to hear you thoughts on this pairing.

Just went through 9 months of Hell with an FA...always pulling away and unable to commit with her emotions. She was constantly looking for faults, even admitting she didn't trust me. I searched my Godheart and my Godmind for something that I did against her and have come up with nothing. I was fully healed and seeking deep love and commitment when I met her. She has destroyed everything I attempted to build. Terribly sad.

Ugh it feels impossible to fix

anyone here who's FA willing to answer my question? id love to hear from the prospective of a fellow FA. I am mainly a secure attachment style but my ex (Broke up with me 3 weeks ago) if FA without knowing it. She definitely has all the tell tale signs. The stress of corona virus and sudden change to her lifestyle really I think triggered her flight or fight response. She began having insane doubts about the relationship that were never there before (we dated 2 months and never had any problems, great relationship). Within a week she went from loving me so much to saying "this relationship just isn't right for me. I feel guilty for needing space. I still love you but I'm not happy". ive been in no contact for a little over 3 weeks now and was wondering if I should be the one to reach out to her? I have a strong feeling that this time in no contact will allow her to move past the initial feelings of doubt/overhwhelm and start to miss the affection and relationship (as ive learned FA typically do). But I also heard that they typically will not reach out even if they ended it, because they fear rejection and they need validation that you've changed (which I have done a lot of self work and research on FA attachment styles.) so just wondering if anyone has any advise? Id really appreciate any insight!

Question: Can you tell your partner that you believe they’re fearful avoidant?

I feel that no contact won't work with an FA ex. We broke up a few weeks ago (including 10 days of me doing the begging/pleading routine), I'm Anxious, she's Fearful Avoidant. I understand my anxiety is trying to get me I need to tell her how much I love her and will support her but I'm holding back so I don't smother again during the initial relief phase. But that said, I also feel if I don't reach out at some point, she'll reach the "I knew my partner/caregiver would abandon me, as usual" mindset. Before we went no contact, I told her explicitly in my final text that I wouldn't abandon her, but I'm sure it was read as more pleading by me. I said I'd stay quiet/no comms for 30 days, then reach out and see how she is - and then if she still feels the same, I said I'll step back. I'm scared that during this 30 days she will still subconsciously feel I left her as previous caregivers did (she's adopted, bad adoption family story - father left, mother physically abusive - and a 7 yr phys/emotionally abusive marriage in her 30s. She has one son who she worships as her heart). Should I maintain no contact and risk her feeling like her Fearful Avoidant experience is being fulfilled, or should I try to reach out and say I'm not trying to force us back together to retry necessarily, but that I will continue to be available for her for anything she wants to talk about. Of course I fear her telling me it's absolutely, definitely over as a FA defense mechanism to push me away completely if I do reach out, and I fear her further distancing her heart from the relationship if I don't... Ugh! :)

Where u live will I send 🐉 for you to pick u up

am i the only one who's afraid that Thais would spill that water bottle with all her gesturing lol

I think.this girl that I was curious about may be FA. I feel shes breadcrumbing