As a DA, right? :p

@@lifecoachingtoronto Yes 😁

Yes, I'm a DA female currently in therapy and I've done all of these things for the motives outlined in this video

I’m journaling this. Well said. Thank you!

@AliSand this gullible therapist is totally missing the boat on how narcissistic or selfish, self-centered, and manipulative the person doing this can be. They can be opportunists of convenience, as well. They don't like to commit and won't be honest about it. Yes, they were likely raised, or rather modeled for by narcissists and they exceed them in being dismissive-abusive jerks. Yes, they are controling. This is not always the intention or reason, but innocent people who are avoidant can end up with a narcissist more likely because they think it is a good fit, they are willing to understand, but then they end up with a selfish abuser who never wants to spend time with them, is aloof, and looks outside the relationship for escape and entertainment.

@@b.boston8529 if you don't agree with her then just stop watching her videos and keep your comments to yourself. What is the point of insulting her because your opinion is different? Did that make you feel better? You can agree to disagree with someone, make your point, and not insult or call someone a name. You should try it. 😉

@@b.boston8529 This therapist is married to a DA so she is not missing the boat at all. She will not attack or demean ANY personality disorder on this page, and by not doing that, shows her integrity.

@@karinteeples9715 I am saying that there are also dismissive avoidants who are predators and that therapists often miss that, just like their innocent partners do when we try to honour them as individuals and don't realize they are abusers. It is often people who can identify and who accept differences and are compassionate who get taken advantage of, abused, or end up in abusive or deadly relationships. Therapists try to help us understand each other and it is important they acknowledge or are aware of the abuse and advantage taking that can occur when one person thinks the other is a good fit, they are on the same page or they think they understand them and the advantage taker person finds this convenient and sees the soon to be victim as a pushover and a fool. One is doing this because of genuine struggles and the other may have those same struggles but they will turn around and predate on the other without remorse.

This right here. The only reason I even know about DAs is because my ex, at the time girlfriend said she thought she had this. Then she proceeded to do nothing to work on it even though I said I would work with her and even pay for therapy. We all have traumas, it's not working on how we pass that on to others that makes someone a bad person.

@@keller1334EXACTLY MY SITUATION

I don’t think DA are bad partners I think they are low maintenance people and they don’t really know how to value themselves but they want to seem like they do

So they definitely have a hard time valuing you

Same.

Same!!! The ghosting totally messes me up. I tried explaining that and gave up.

@@ashleyc3307 I told mine that & he legit tried to do better & even told me when he couldn’t respond or why he hadn’t but that was few and far between & I just needed more.

Super real. Agreed.

Did you leave him? If so do you regret it now?

Yep! Why secures leave

Same same same 💔

I feel you.

He has to love himself

@@SK-no2pp agree but if you ask the DA they will say they do. At least in my experience. However really listening to things they say you can tell they may not

Especially when they're a DA Malignant narcissist, and they're doing it Intentionally to hurt you & cause anxiety. And then after 8 years, say " that's life deal with it."

AMEN!

Thank you ❤️‍🩹🙏

Hey girl, any update ?

Amen 🙌🏻

I wholeheartedly agree!

you got that right ! They will break your heart and you will not understnd why

True

Agree 💯. I watch these videos and marvel at how often the term “endearing” is used. I see nothing endearing about DAs at all, just a whole lot of work with a person who will flat out forget you exist when they no longer have any use for you. Too much heartbreak for me!

Very nice! :)

@@lifecoachingtoronto thank you! I second guessed myself for a second (recovering FA) but I realized that I deserved someone who could back up their words with actions. And if it was this tough to set up a first date then the relationship would’ve been so hard! 😅 this was my first time doing this ever!

I was in a similar scenario but was told by the DA I'm reading too much into it and that there was no expectations to meet...go figure

@@seek2793 so strange! I was totally confused at first but decided to stay in my reality- that people go on dating apps bc they want to MEET people in real life! But in the end it didn’t matter what he said/wanted bc I knew what I wanted/deserved. So it was easy to stay in my reality and walk away. This was my lesson (big time) to look at peoples actions NOT their words

@@seek2793 I decided DA’s are not going to be healthy for me to date- as I’m healing from my CPTSD the hot and cold from a DA reminds me too much of my childhood wounds. I finally woke up to realize I deserve a connection and will look out for people that can give that willingly. No more settling for mind games/confusion!

Gosh I feel this so strongly. I also thought I didn't want to walk on eggshells so got impatient. But nope the pain is too unbearable, give me a time machine. Maybe I could have walked on eggshells for a bit longer 😭

You just wrote my life 😢

Same thing happened to me fam. Had an amazing night where my DA ex told me things she had never told a living soul. She was detached and aloof the next day; I took it personally, and blew up the next night and was dumped shortly thereafter. 24 hours from deep revelations to dumping. Deeply regret misplaying it, but if you have to play perfectly 100% of the time with zero grace, what kind of relationship is that?

@@MrP-kw3lf there’s was not even an indication for a break up there and one find morning it all ended. Blocked everywhere

​​@@arvindks4986I actually did that to my DA because I simply could not bear the continued ongoing pain of being so disregarded repeatedly. We hadn't spoken to each other for 5 days. I was on my annual 3 week vacation and he was finishing up the book he was writing and busy on his new job. The space at the time was fine, given the circumstances. But one day I saw his activity on Instagram, liking this post, that post and the other post. Not spying, just happened to see he was actively engaged online. Then when I saw him like a couple of pictures from my vacation in our WhatsApp thread, meaning he was online on WhatsApp at that moment, I texted him and asked, "How's the book coming?" Simple! That text was sent in the afternoon. By 1:00 in the morning there was still no answer. I knew he had gone to sleep without replying to me. I knew he had read my text and had simply chosen not to reply but go to bed after no communication for 5 days. On one hand that sounds like nothing, not much of a reason to break it off, but the continually recurring pattern of being disregarded by him, ignored, not prioritized, and made to feel that he could take me or leave me in countless different ways over a nearly two-year period, that is why the unanswered text was the straw that broke my camel's back. I didn't need him to write me a novel in reply or to respond to my text immediately. But a simple acknowledgment like "Still busy" or "Talk soon. Took a short break," - something, ANYTHING, would have been fine. Instead he chose to disregard my question and my interest in him and his book altogether. Of course I now regret acting so harshly and impulsively, but I stand by my reason for doing so. I needed to prioritize myself by stepping away.

I feel the same. 🤕❤️‍🩹

its bullshit

“Endearing” is just another word for annoying.

Constant push for clarity- I get that.

I called my DA and told her their behaviors were toxic. At the time it hurt a lot to hear these things that Thaís said in the video, but now... DAs are so complicated. I don't even know whether to apologize and extend my hand.

Where u interest in her

@@jessicarowling I wouldn't ghost someone I was interested in now

Thank you for this insight. It really helps me understand someone dear to me. Especially the having to deal with the other person's feelings part.

@@jenniferbecca3837 Maybe one day in this lifetime you can graduate out from your self-centeredness by learning what the rest of us have innately known our whole lives, which is that you shouldn't ghost anyone, not just those you like. 🙄

@@matthewmckee561 I lean mostly secure attachment these days and have alot of very healthy relationships...my DA tendencies only come out with anxious types... And I don't intend on changing that.

🤣🤣🤣 DA's aren't for everybody.

Avoid them like the plague. If they ask you why you suddenly left, tell them, "you're an avoidant and you need to work on yourself".

@@ZhengSW Wow, dismissive avoidants actually reach out and want to talk? Not my experience.

@@FrankM They do not reach out and do not want to talk. I'm saying if a DA actually does, don't fall for it!

@@carmenchapa1 DA's and FA's are for NOBODY!!

I thought the latter: like they couldnt give a fuck about anyone else's feelings. Complete lack of empathy tbh.

@@dannywholuv agree to disagree, my FA is empathethic and she told me directly that she doesnt want to commit again

Healing is a choice and that too is there for everyone. We don't have to live in our pain and unhealed trauma.

I think they have a perfect method . Totally self contained , don’t have to worry much about others, have everyone bending over backwards for them etc . Much better than my FA mess lol

@@wendydaniel1110 exactly! It’s almost painful to read some of the immature and desperately-needing-healing comments on here.

Wow, I feel you are describing my situation, it was the same and I didn't want to be the one who walk away and I ended up getting hurt cuz he was the one Walk away 😔.

@@indigodp7 I feel your pain. I have finally got distance from my DA but it was hurtful during and after. God speed.

Wow. I can relate too, mine hadn’t left. Very long description but I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels crazy! lol

@@MoneySoul ROFL - thank you! This absolutely made my day. I'm still laughing :)

@@MoneySoul what a beautiful analogy

Wow, very well said.

In order to socialize i have to muster up a lot of mental fortitude, so recieving a text is like someone asking me to drop everything and do 10 pushups.

DA’s get such a bad rap. I always hate reading the comments on these DA videos…. Its a coping mechanism, not intent to harm. (Although I realize NOW, how it has can be hurtful). For me, it IS totally about the fear. I feel eager to connect. But when faced with reality, get flooded with self-doubt. Is it what I really want? Do they REALLY want to spend time with ME? Are they just trying to be nice? There is a huge level of idealism too. Will I live up to their expectations? Will they live up to mine? Sometimes it’s easier building a fantasy that stays in the head, instead of risking being let down in reality. “Recalibrate” is a good word. It’s like getting warmed up to the idea, or processing all the things.

The problem with that argument is that DAs dont always act in asshole manners subsconsciously. DAs have a positive view of self and negative view of others. They arent just critical and condescending when they are triggered, they most likely have very much consciously selfish and self inflating values. It's not that the DA will simply forget that your experince is suposed to be as relevant as theirs, it's that they literally don't see a reason to take your experiences into consideration, unless they take interest in you. When someone builds their identity under the unfortunate self demeaning circumstances that would create avoidant attachment styles, they literally have to focus on themselves and be as tough as possible, in order to perform by themselves in competition to people that actually attach. This means that if they are going to play by themselves, they literally have to be better than other people in order to compete. ( this is the portion that happens subconsciously) the problem is that very quickly does this mechanism turn conscious when it's influecing them for a life time. You will see DAs expressing this need to be better than other people over their arrogance, need for ascencion in the social hierarchy, the physical proof for their achievements and social recognition. They live their lifes perpetrating the "im good, you are bad" world view in every aspect and this is obviously a very adaptive mechanism in a capitalistic patriarchy, for example, when social merit and power is everything. Why dont avoidants change overtime by themselves? Why dont they seek therapy? because just like narcissism, its adaptive for their inauthenthic, self inflated lifestyles to hold themselves in higher ground. DA's arent a beast of their own making, but the refusal to seek help is unacceptable because they literally DONT WANT to see a reason to change. Accepting change means something is wrong. Accepting change means they are just like other people and not better then them. Their ego lies in self-inflation, unconsciously in origin and consciously later. They dont always ghost you out of fear. They feel like they deserve to hold the power in the relationship. Thais never said this is fully unconscious. In all the aspects of the video, the focus is on their self-preservation, REGARDLESS of the other party. If you really understood this video, you learnt that their own fear will ALWAYS be more important than your pain. This is a matter of power. They will not give it up. I am yet to see one DA relationship, where they dont at least think they are in charge. I honestly hope my idea of DA attachment is unrealistic, and just the product of unfortunte experiences of mine with them. But I am yet to be proven wrong, and I do investigate daily.

@@tuca3434 super post, criminally under-viewed on here!

I hear they have high self confidence and blame others

Um if someone messaged me asking for coffee, and I agreed, but then didn't follow thru with a time, date, place... and then reached out weeks later looking for the same thing, and I again answered in the affirmative, but again they made zero effort to plan the date they just asked me on... Id be confused as fuck. Then to be ripped a new one .. ya I'd unfriend too. This one's on you man

"just be honest with me" triggers their confruntation avoidance mechanism. They will most likely give you a crappy response, usually a negative one, or will ghost if it's online. They can't be honest with themselves in the first place, reason for which there is so much drama, they have this "I'm fine on my own" image to hide their insecurities, so it's even harder to be honest with someone else. It would mean commitment, which is hard to deal with again, it would mean vulnerability, big no, it would mean accountability which is also very hard for them emotionally. They are so vulnerable, you would pitty them if you could see through their projected image, and lastly, won't date them :)

totally agreed this kind of behavior is not acceptable.

Haha sounds like me. It's not funny itself but I can relate. I can't handle feeling smothered or even fathom it but letting someone know I care but not overdoing it so I stay away. It's so ridiculous but ,my terrible caregiver and a host of traumas have made me like this. I want to be better

You said you don't do that... yet you did it less than 3 weeks ago... yeah you're a psycho

@@fleecejohnson6939 And you are one judgemental jerk that doesn't even know the meaning of the word psycho. And also doesn't know how to read. I wrote "First I thought...". 🙄

Obviously I don't know your gf or the situation. But as a DA, I think it's great that you expressed your expectation so clearly. Sometimes we just don't get it on our own. She may have had no clue about how her actions affected you. Now she knows and you can assess how she deals with that knowledge. Hope she responds with equal clarity and understanding of your feelings.

💯

Truly … humor makes u feel less sad or confused but I am so happy I’m FA leaning anxious .. I feel my feels out loud

i think she mentioned in one of her videos that FAs tend to write deep meaningful texts, usually long to avoid any sense of confusion and because they tend to look more for intimacy than a DA.

I'm a very strong FA. My subconsous patterns are to go several months without seeing any of my close friends, yet when im around them, I have close to 0 boundaries. When i'm avoiding people, I dont ghost them. This because my anxious side makes me want to invest in every attachment relationship, even if I cant be present because of my avoidant. I dont know if its just me, but even if im very avoidantly triggered and it takes me a week to open a text, unless I dont believe theres a chance for our relationship, I will be putting that text on hold, to respond as soon as I feel better, and keep investing, starting by giving an honest and caring explanation about why I have been so absent in the relationship. Im assuming most FAs are the same in the sense that they might not be able to be present, but they will put in the effort in one way or another in order to compensate and keep you around. DAs will never compensate because their selfish lifestyle does not include considering other people's experiences. The little they give is a reflection of their human fear of abandonment, and it will never resemble how much an FA cares, because the FA pretty much always prioritizes connection, even if they dont feel ready to be present at that certain time. If the FA is simply ghosting, and is barely giving anything, like DAs usually do, it's because they are legit uninterested, while if the DA does it, it doesnt mean anything because you will have no way of knowing wether they are uninterested or simply afraid. FAs tend to be very transparent, to the extent that they can. (literally the opposit mechanism of DAs) Hope that explains your question

@@gloriabartolome3123 I can relate to that (as a FA), I tend to write a lengthy text, not to ramble, but to be sure I communicated properly. And the DA always keeps it short, like I write a full screen if there is something important to me or like a catching up text, while the DA would reply usually to the last idea in the text using one or two lines at best. And I know they care, it's just their way. BUT! I don't ghost or breadcrumb, I hate when others do it to me, it triggers me and wouldn't do it, unless someone really offended me and I don't want to continue the talk and the relationship.

@@replaygeorge it's terribly frustrating to receive only a few words in a text!! i really hate it. Now i barely answer more than a few words to them. I no longer waste my time.

DAs often have NO IDEA they are DA until a partner, friend or family member points it out. Even then they may not want to accept or admit it. One of their core wounds is shame so admitting their short comings is like admitting they are broken, which carries a lot of shame.

@@littlehoss that was priceless advice my friend, thank you

A DA’s true colors don’t usually show until several months in when true feelings have developed and they are triggered and threatened. If a person acts this way from day one, I would say it’s likely more of a lack of interest than an insecure attachment style. AP and DA- takes time and feelings for them to become attached and triggered.

@@sshuteandrew That's okay. As an FA I don't connect that quickly. When he said I wasn't the one I gave a quick "ok" and I'm not thinking he means anything different. When I'm ready to leave he pulls me back just to give more space. I don't understand it, but since I have no one else to talk with then, I let him reach out yet again. Having given no goodies I do not understand it.

@@itsaplantlife9850 he could very well be a DA micro cheating on his current partner with you.

@@dannywholuv Could be. I've thought of that. A background check showed a divorce, but since the first meet where he asked if I'd still give someone a chance if they were separated, a red flag came up.

I am here with you. It's all explanations and overall ways to accommodate someone who legit treats you poorly and inconsiderate. I mean, wtf? Let's justify abusers. They have their reasons, too, you know.

Been there done that...in my opinion it’s not worth it! I realised the person would never love me in the way that brings true fulfilment or emotional stability. I gave him a chance to amend his behaviours and he only got less responsive, more unreliable and continued with empty apologies. He’s a good person at his core, but i deserve so much better !!! . The absence of communication and emotional coldness made me feel more lonely than when I wasn’t dating anyone

@@Borboleta1212 I totally agree 🙌

Good for you!

so stunted emotionally, it’s all about them..

Thankyou for this comment x

Recovering DA here. I think the problem with a lot of us is not knowing any other way. Becoming aware that the way we behave isn't healthy and hurts people is a key first step but it takes years of failing in relationships, tons of self reflection and being educated about attachment styles for me to gain true awareness. Our extreme sensitivity to negative feedback makes it so much harder too. Often times our partners didn't know what the real issues are either and have their own issues. I so wish I became aware years ago. I'm all about self improvement and am working hard to become securely attached. I'm wondering if I should send my FA ex these videos to help him understand himself better. We were two clueless people who made each other miserable for 8 months and no idea what we were doing wrong 😢

🙌🏼 spot on! Congrats on recovering ❤️‍🩹 It melts my heart when I hear of DAs recovering or at least doing the work.. 👏🏼 I hope I can help my DA someday. I didn’t want to be another person to let him down but pushing me away & feeling like a neglected dog, it was going to break me.. I’ve done so much PD work on myself in the last 5 years, I didn’t want that to go to waste. He wasn’t a bad person, just a very wounded warrior who fought a few battles left to pick up the fragments of his heart & piece them together again. Unfortunately, I had to pay the price for those wars.. I couldn’t stay & watching him drink his life away & be the door mat when all I wanted to show him is that, I just wanted to show him the love he never received previously. 😢

@@Daisylovemj any advice for supporting one or right words to initiate growth?

Their empathy is very unstable. They use it when it serves them and completely shut it down for their convenience.

@@gala2103thank you for explaining. I almost felt it was empathy button on/off, could not understand it.

I agree. They are very high maintenance. Too much work . Stay with secures

@@wendydaniel1110 I think if I had known what my issues were at the beginning of our marriage and we communicated according to the attachment style.....things may have been different.

It mostly won't work out since a relationship thrives out of traits variety, so the same traits are not that attractive for us in the beggining.

Id guess that most DAs don't know how flawed they are. I feel alienated and hopeless when it comes it intimacy. Even before discovering attachment theory I came to my own conclusions that I couldn't pursue a relationship because I couldn't handle the loss of freedom. I don't want you to walk on eggshells around me or "kiss [my] rear", DAs aren't narcissistic or self important. It sounds like you've had a bad experience with someone like this and you're letting that, coupled with these videos, drive you towards disdain.

A PhD in chaos theory would be more useful

Yes. I avoid directness and drag it out.

So harsh especially when they're afraid of therapy. If they can't heal they can't change :-(

Any update?

@@FM-zg5hz after this he told me he doesn't want me to hurt and doesn't want to waste my time,he knows if we came back together he would hurt both again.