They have very low empathy, but try to deceive others to believe that they have high empathy.

Never dim your light to placate a narcissist (or anyone, or allow them to steal your shine

I still find it remarkable that all of this insight is still very taboo to talk about openly. Narcissism everywhere in the modern world (even rewarded), but if you talk about it, people get extremely uncomfortable.

Not only do they not grow. They actively regress. I've been blown away how childish my wife has become. It's like watching someone age backwards and it's alarming to see.

The worst part to me isn’t how they feel about you, it’s the fact that they won’t mind their own business and leave you alone, if you’re in a work situation you can’t get away from them, they literally take you out and there’s little you can do about it

This channel is like an ongoing inquest of the narcissistic personality, and I'm grateful for its educational excellence, and thereby, its first rate therapeutic quality.

Engaging with a narcissistic individual often feels like being caught in a theatrical performance where you play a supporting role, and the narcissist is the demanding lead actor. Maintaining your authenticity becomes the real art.

As Dr. C said, one of the difficulties in dealing with a narcissist is they think they only “win” if you “lose.” It’s exhausting being on the defensive 24/7. ->DRC

My ex (34 yrs marriage) tells everyone I ruined his life. So thankful to be free and happy he is no longer ruining mine!

Dealing with a narcissist is like being picked up in a tornado and when it's over, you think what the hell just happened.

Wish I had this information years ago. I am 70 now and have always felt inadequate and experienced inner shame put there by my narcissistic mother. When I was a teenager I asked my mother why she treated me so badly and she haughtily told me the I was "not a loveable child". The shame kept me from reaching out and finding validation from others. In the end my mother was jealous of me because I was financially successful and have a happy home with 4 children who love me. Her children did not even like her and I hate her to this day.

My ex narcissist would say " admit to nothing and deny everything " How messed up.

I recently side-stepped the mother of all shame traps with my dad. By leaving when he started shouting at me for no reason, I avoided being provoked into a situation where he was planning to absolutely demolish me psychologically and emotionally. I thank my stars that I realised in time... No contact from now on.

Yes. As a child who was subjected to this behavior, I was puzzled why I didn't receive the praise, appreciation, and delight that other children got from their parents. I built myself up, realizing that I was a good kid - in fact better than most of the kids who were getting all that love. Luckily, I was smart enough and objective enough to see that it was an issue with my Mom and Dad. Having a good community that reflected my true self back to me as a young person also helped. But, unfortunately, I kept trying to love these people and countless others like them into emotional, mental, and spiritual wellness. No more! It never worked. Not once. I just continued to be abused, betrayed and mistreated. It seems like a pathology that is beyond human help.

I’ve lived there for many years. God has freed me. Working daily on my trauma and developing a healthy autonomy. Tough self love work and a lot of forgiveness.

Hello. My 21 yr old daughter has been off n on in relat w all abusive narc for 3yrs. She has left him 4x, each time more mentally altered. Her stories are sad. The most recent 'escape' (6mos ago) she movef home, was getting counceling, and recovering all the health issues. Her left behind journals show she was getting better. Last week she went to 'visit a friend' and didnt come home. He called us on day 4 and told us, 'I have her, shes safe, and only to talk to her thru me'10hours away. She said on speakerphone that it was her desire to be there. Sigh. He is currently love bombing her because all her stuff is here. He does drugs n raves n who knows what else; we are concerned for her life. Its crazy how her brain only remembers the good and not all the abuse. Our hearts are broken, we r praying she sees that he is the same as before and that she gets out, she can do it a 5th time! God rescue her from this dark person quickly!

Core wounds of shame of the inner child: 1. "I am imperfect" 2. "I am worthless" 3. "I cannot do / enough" 4. "I am inadequate" 5. "I am non-existent" 6. "I am alone" 7. "I am incomplete" 8. "I am powerless" 9. "I am loveless" 1. Negative core belief: "There seems to be something wrong with me." Compensating belief: "I must be perfect. I must prove there is not something wrong with me." Distant but is actually inwardly clingy and controlling - wanting to perfect self or others. "If I do it perfectly enough, I will be healed." 2. Negative core belief: "I have no value." Compensating belief: "I must prove that I have worth and value." This personality struggles with dependence and the need to appear overly independent. "If I give to others enough, I will be healed." 3. Negative core belief: "I cannot do, decide or act." Compensating belief: "I must prove that I can do, decide and act by becoming an over-doer." This personality can become grandiose for it struggles with vanity and self-deceit. "If I accomplish enough, I will be healed." 4. Negative core belief: "I am stupid. I do not know enough." Compensating belief: "I must prove that I am adequate and smart." This personality struggles between feeling stupid and tries to be overly adequate by being over-analytic and over-reasonable. "If I am smart enough, I will be healed." 5. Negative core belief: "I do not exist. I am nothing. I have nothing." Compensating belief: "I must prove that I am something, have something, and that I exist." This personality "thinks" feelings and does not feel them. This could be because of rejection from the mother in utero. This personality dissociates from feelings early and becomes an over-observer as a defense. "If I disappear enough, I will be healed." 6. Negative Core belief: "I am alone. I fear being shunned." Compensating belief: "I must not be alone. I must connect with people." This personality is an over-connector. At the time of connection, there is a "high" and relief from "I am alone" however, like a drug addict, the False Self Compensator needs more and more connection to get the same high. "If I connect to others enough, I will be healed." 7. Negative core belief: "I am incomplete. There must be something missing. I am not enough." Compensating belief: "I must get whole, complete, completed or full through having many varied, extraordinary experiences." "If I have enough extraordinary experiences, I will be healed." 8. Negative core belief: "I am powerless. I am powerless because I have no force, no influence etc." Compensating belief: "I must prove I am not powerless by acting as if I am overly powerful." This personality has such unacknowledged powerlessness it can have psychopathic tendencies or can compensate by acting overly blown-up, imagining themselves to be much more powerful than they actually are. "If I am powerful enough, I will be healed." 9. Negative core belief: "I am loveless. There is no love." Compensating belief: "I must prove I am not loveless by appearing as if I am overly loving." This type seeks to act loving but as with all roles played, it cannot receive the love that it wants. The "loveless" struggle with repressed anger for this reason. "If I am loving enough, I will be healed."

Amen, the day I decided that the problem was with the narcissistic family members is when I withdrew, however on rare occasions I have to see them again but now I see them as pathetic and do not react or feel anything, any more than if I were dealing with a snotty two-year-old.

After therapy, and listening to these videos and podcasts, I can now say to the narcissists in my life, "You do you....over there." Not out loud of course. 😉 I've come to learn that they are who they are, they are unwilling to change who they are, and no amount of trying to convince them to change is going to help. So I choose to let them be who they are, and I'm going to live my life in a healthier way - over here. 😊

Narcissists have mental institution levels of delusion. Case in point: my father. He was divorced 3 times and made everyone his adversary. My father tried to give me relationship advice many times. I was told its a tragedy that I'm not married and don't have kids. What's a tragedy is being divorced 3 times and having 8 kids that are mostly messed up from narcissistic abuse. Talk about a "societal wrecking ball".

Their internal shame looks like a bottomless pit. 🕳 Don't fall into their trap. 😨

Sometimes I imagine Dr C that you were living in my home secretly!😄 This content was so validating for me today. It has come to my attention that the narc/addict has purchased a new puppy. I must say here he left his 13 yr old dog with me, he is blind & loosing his hearing. I guess his dog was just a transaction. His dog is in fine hands with me. That’s the difference I feel between a narc & me. No contact & when I need to make a decision about this dog, the narc/addict will not be told, this dog will have dignity & commitment to the end.

Makes soooo much sense They hide their shame and deny what they really did

once again, it's all about the projections. thank you dr carter, for these videos. you are like the loving, compassionate, understanding & kind-hearted father i never had. your videos help a lot when i'm close to losing it. one of the narcs in my nightmare family actually told me, thru one of their many fake profiles "you're in a round room looking for the corner and there isn't one" among many other (countless) nasty things said to/about me. i realize now, even that was projection. i can close my eyes and imagine my life being better, i've found my way out of their round room of abuse, deflection and projection before but they will always be in that room, and god knows that when their life is over, i suspect they're going to find themselves somewhere far worse than a round room with no exit, for all the mental damage and chaos they've caused in others' lives. all of them, together, with those demons they refused to face, chewing on their behinds. ultimately, death would my greatest escape but for them, it'll be just the beginning of their karma.

I watched the movie mean girls today There’s this chief narcissistic school girl with her two flying monkeys, and then this very healthy new girl joining the school , she gets ensnared by the mean girl and join her while also maintaining a friendship with two other healthy individuals, that new girl falls in love with the chief narcissist mean girl ex boyfriend, then you know how it goes battle start, the new girl losses her way for a while and then regains her sanity, it has meaningful ending and the message for younger generation was that We don’t have to put other down in order to feel good about ourselves was simple yet meaningful,it was psychologically challenging.It’s a musical too!

I believe it’s not even like they always intentionally set a “trap” for others, it’s more of an inability to see the bigger picture and how they may relate to it (they have an entirely enclosed reality space. They’re Disconnected)

My friend that I've left behind tried to get me to miss a car show I wanted to go to. "I never get to do something I want, must be nice to play." Shaming me for having a life outside of what he wants to do.

It is so sad how anti-social, narcissistic behaviour is okay for certain individuals to engage in while being so painful for the rest of us to bear. I don't think they experience any shame. That word is left for us to grapple with--along with any concept of justice, fairness or decency. Maybe narcissists derive a certain satisfaction from what they do, but what a twisted and depraved world they live in. This is my go-to site for sanity and explanations. Thank you sir.

They will also mock you....

My NARC MIL who was diagnosed with Glioblastoma a few months ago has my adult sons convinced that she is going to live another 20 years. (She is 75) - And she has brainwashed them to not talk to anyone about it, even each other. She has a different “story” for all of us. I’ve just been laying low in prayer for PEACE and Truth in this family. All your posts of wisdom for all these years has helped me immensely. Thank you Dr. C❣️💫🤩💪🏻😇

My ex would never address the possibility that she is the product of her upbringing, almost like she was terrified to look at it. My sons live w her and it’s my mission to make sure they experience functional relationships/interactions. DrC this video is to the T, thank you, I’ve healed considerably since following you the past year.

I call it "blamestorming," which is really more projecting everything they're guilty of doing or saying. 🙄

It Hurts

I'm trying to understand this concept. My ex narc did seem to have no shame about some unsavory behavior he was involved in.

Again…Narcissists are just a “life suck”, and just plain pathetic to deal with. Great video Dr C. Hi to Gus!

One little correction....my narc (my 78-year-old mother) WILL, and has often, admitted her ONE fault.....being too humble. I am totally serious.

Early on, before you wake up and realize what's actually happening, you wonder what's happened to you and you think you're going crazy.

Dignity, respect, civility - three of the biggest things every relationship needs. Seeing how trapped and unwell narcissists are is just more proof that everyone needs to be treated, as you say, with dignity, respect and civility - even though the narcissist will never reciprocate!

Have mercy Lord & help these tormented & wounded souls 🙏🏾

You know those vids where people film their dog after being "bad" cuz they made a little mistake or was just being a dog? The dog hunkers back, winces their face, tail between the legs and looks for an escape, right? Most of the time at least half the blame actually lies with the owner.

Hey Dr. C, good to see you again. Thank you for your kind help!!

A brilliant summary of narcissism. I recognise all the characteristics Dr Carter describes in my narcissistic relatives.

Thanks for another great breakdown, Dr C. The DSM criteria for NPD only qualify the worst cases of grandiose narcissism. I think we could all use a checklist to qualify the everyday covert narcissists who are far more insidious and damaging, starting with your point here: 1. A chronic inability to examine oneself and the impact of one’s actions due to shame avoidance, leading to 2. Being bereft of insight and self-awareness, leading to 3. A chronic inability to feel remorse and empathise with others, leading to 4. A chronic inability to take responsibility for their choices and accountability for their actions, resulting in 5. A chronic reliance on behaviours such as denial, displacement, projection, gaslighting, etc to minimise cognitive dissonance and maintain narcissistic supply.

Such a sad, internal place to be.

Thanks Dr. C I am learning very quickly to disengage with folk who try to control people and manipulate others. I have been duped so badly and left with confusion it won't happen again and I won't apologise for being nice.

I am always excited to see you and Gus. From JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN USA

Thinking a shame trap is just a narcissist trying to make you like themselves (dealing with shame), instead of just directing you to be the way they think of themselves (i. e. perfect).

I am currently experiencing this shaming thing with a narc I have known for years. They are going the whole route with me, disagreeing with me (on almost everything even though I have abundant information, evidence and facts (which they refuse to look at or consider)) name calling, telling me how wrong I am, trying to shame me, telling others that I am a trouble maker, sending out the flying monkeys (some with messages to try to shame me). Etc. Etc. I really appreciate your videos they are so enlightening, helpful and upbuilding. Nothing but goodness and truth is in them. I have much more to deal with ahead of me with this shameless narc but I now feel like I am educated enough and equipped to understand and handle whatever they dish out. Thanks to videos like yours that are so instructive and helpful. Sincere thanks for your videos.

I have a " perfect Blame& shame Guru at work.. When does she DO HER OWN WORK?? All she do is Watch me

They are a challenge.This video is 100% spot on. Thank you for the reminder and support! Knowledge is power. Just watching your videos and seeing sweet Gus on the couch,brings my anxiety level way down.

I can relate with much of what you said…Ex husband of 10 yrs. It took me 7 yrs of intense therapy to understand I was being abused by him and many other like him throughout my life. My ex-husband gaslit very bad, but deceptively- using jokes as form of penetrating an emotional reaction. He would give me half hearted compliments or apologies, but disrespect and unappreciation by him still existed. I have severe PTSD, immaturity in words, actions and behaviors is a huge trigger for me. So, when he would say “why are you doing this to me”, as way to get on the same page with him about something we be dealing with in that moment, related to scheduling, budgeting or other responsibilities. It would cause me to get in this fight or flight mode, where I had the self-awareness to control myself from punching out all his teeth, but then I would suffer from migraine after migraine, even to the point being prescribed medication to help with it. Enough became enough. His nonsense was killing me not only mentally, but physically.

My dad recently passed away on December 22. At the visitation, my mother- in-law’s first words to my mom were, “ You got skinny!” No mention of I’m sorry for your loss, there were no condolences spoken. She has an impulse of saying whatever is on her mind with absolutely no filter. When I mention this to my husband, he says “that’s just how she is.” I think she is the rudest person I’ve ever known. I’d love to be rude back to her. How do I handle this?

Once again, a most succinct lesson. I know I'm healing and on the right path...

Imo Dr. Carter knows more about narcs than anybody I've watched on YT. I don't agree necessarily with the sources or reasons behind narcissism put forward. But all the machinations and behaviors and actions of narcs he describes, I've seen big time in real life.

You are the best!

Amazing facts that will help me continue this journey with my husband. I am so grateful. Thank you. Truly Life saving.

This one was incredibly helpful!!! Thank you Dr. C!

Decades into marriage misery with a narc and I've been racking my brain on what someone could've told a young & dumb me on how to recognize or signs to look for if someone might be a narcissist. The other day someone in our midst pulled me aside and said: "When you meet someone that catches your relationship interest start a comversation topic that most people heard of or could ne interested in..but wouldn't be expected to actually know anything about. Something benign like transport to the moon, being on the moon, what's on the moon, living on the moon. If the person you're talking to responds by putting themselves anywhere near having something to do with the moon, redirects the topic to themselves, or says and stays silent - then start observing if the person displays any other types of narcissistic traits and write them down for future reference as time goes on."

An excellent video Very very helpful Thank you Dr Carter Some of the information I learn about narcissists is hard to believe as true as it is God Bless you and your family

0:00 0:00 Lifelong once you see how your parents projected on to you. Now I see how competitive my mother was about my life that I created and what a useless little boy my MD day was. Really shocking to recognize and to continually see yourself as wrong no matter how hard you try. Truly a vicious cycle. Almost my birthday and my shine has dimmed. I pray for its return. Did a good job setting boundaries with arrogant men lately. They were really insulting I felt. SMH.Btw the movie Barbie makes some very subtle points about male female equality and it's safe for kids. Although it's also a big ad for Mattell. Had to watch some of the analysis to understand what the director intended. 💖💖🤩

I divorced my ex husband a good number of years ago to save me and the kids stress. They're both now grown up. The youngest has an issue with alcohol. Ive always been there for them. He started seeing his father again. I think he seeks approval (not of the drinking) he won't get any there!

My ex checked all the boxes. fortunately it served as a good template for what to avoid when I left. When I would be contemplative or thinking deeply he would tell me I was having petite mal seizures. Funny thing is he's a doctor but it didn't bother him enough to follow up and have me assessed or treated for them.

Thank You! Very clear and concise. Oh so true! Validating and extremely helpful as always. ❤ Gus! He’s always hanging out lol usually chilling on the couch. What a sweetie! 🐾🐾♥️😊

I learned alot from your videos. The way you say it not just your words have been excellent. I’m curious what has my buddy Gus learned cuz he’s there in every session being too adorable. ❤️❤️❤️ thank you for all you do. ❤️❤️🙂🙂

Always always such a great service. Very professional, humane, and grounding. Thank you so much.

GOD BLESS YOU, man. This is sooo accurate it hurts my heart, yet brings some sense of ease to it as well. Thank you for all you do.

So the only reason why they abuse so much is to avoid their own shame? Only reason?

My failures in life were my shame. I don't live there anymore. I remember them, so I don't go back there.

This one was SO interesting. Thanks, Dr. C 👍

I have been with my wife for 5 years and just the last week the behavior got so bad I couldn’t take it anymore and the hypocrisy became so bad that I wasn’t able to sugar coat my observations anymore we are currently going through a separation now after two years of marriage and me consistently being the problem she had an ex husband that she constantly broke my boundaries with and was never able to prove consistently things would change. I was almost always such a huge problem in her eyes she would ignore me for days and then go and “vent” to her friends and leave out the parts that she did and slandered my name I spent two three years before our marriage being put in the middle of her making her ex jealous and constantly having to reassure her I wasn’t going anywhere so much so that when she took everything I did for granted I stopped and then I’m being petty by “one upping her” when in fact all I was doing was not continuing putting in where I wasn’t getting anything back. I was constantly left out of the loop and forced to “admit” things that weren’t even a thing or relevant to us

My narcissistic spouse uses his shame as a defense/justification for his behavior. It is the wall he hides behind to gain sympathy and/or avoid accountability. Using his shame to manipulate is his super power. Any suggestions for that Dr. C? Thanks for another great informative episode.

Excellent advice and knowledge. Thanks Dr. C. Shame is at the center of it. Thanks for the reminder.

You're talking about 1 Timothy 4:2. Granted it is in context with false teachers, but the concept of not excepting shame on a level that it is toned out of the individual is in this verse.

Please pray for protection from sadic people...

The narcissist also never congratulates or says well done? What’s even more convoluted is they don’t say thank you for anything because that would make you feel good and they don’t want that. Someone once said to me if your mother doesn’t apologise to you for all her negativity its going to be buried with her when her time comes, although in my view narcissists believe they are never going to leave this mortal plain . I had to pause and think about that for a minute, so does that mean she will be stuck somewhere in a dark realm of spirit if I don’t forgive and pray for her soul

If they feel shame... they make it appear and hold it together so well....and they go to bars, happy hours and shoot pool a lot, it's like their hobby....

Dr. C thanks again for sharing your profound wisdom. You are so on target.

Could you make a video about hsp? thx Dr Carter for the videos.Good weekend you and Gus

Thank you for all of your videos. You have put me in better place. Bless you.

Its so bad that when they cheat and DO EVERY sin you can think of your just like whatever schocker

👍 i don't understand why my narcissistic wife wife never speak in the morning, unless i say something . Then it's one word answers

This Vido made me bitter realizing how i was affected. We have kids together. That's worst part.

😊 Thanks Dr Carter

That was a good show👍🏽

Thank you, Dr. Carter

Thanks again. These videos are really helpful.

I'm living in a house with a person who, despite my best efforts, is hyper critical of everything I do. And when displeased, he either secretly steals something from me and disposes of it, or damages my vehicle (i.e. scratching it, kicking a dent in it, breaking a tail light, etc), or takes it out on my pet. He always does these things at night when everyone is asleep. When confronted about it, he says he doesn’t know what I'm talking about. When I attempted to get him to talk to me about what is bothering him, he said I was attacking him. Is this narcissism? And if so, what kind?

Thanks Dr C, great video

Thabk you Dr.

Would a Team Healthy member please help me figure out how to access the live chat on Wednesdays? I am not tech savvy & just need a little guidance. Any help you can give would be much appreciated!

You're awesome and you answered my question thanks❤❤❤

resonates, much appreciated.

Once I i found out about their shame issue, ( in my reactive anger stage) I'd bring up things that I knew he was ( or Should be!) ashamed of; cheating on every girlfriend he'd ever had, as well as his wife of 5 years.( She ended it when she found out about his affairs ) His failure as a dad, work situations hed failed at ... And i I could see on his face hiw ashamed he was; especially his marriage.

They should have shame some dam where

Thank you Dr Carter

Listening to this is causing dabs of cptsd to come up that I've been doing a real good job of keeping under control until recently when unexplained ratioale... unless looked at on a psychological level... I been kicked to the curb by my only daughter. She marries seriously psychologically challenged ppl but this one is in counseling. But raised by a malignant narc. The point is I let them shit in their own messkits n etc. Some days I want to call n ask for a welfare ck. Dr Carter.. I'm 70. I had enuf of psych gunk. I was feeling like there's finally a handle on things. If ones grown kid is in their late 40s n far as I know isn't substance abusing like her first marriage n he works n has all this appointed counseling n older than her... when is it if ever.. appropriate for the only parent to call n ask for a welfare ck if they live in another state ? Am also stating he comes across as verbally abusive and has alcohol issues that have brought him legal issues since she been with him. Yes they are really married. I am trying to stay unaffected but at least once a month I cry n ask why..unless I think like a psychologist and too much makes sense . So is it essentially a crumbly idea to call for a welfare check or what's the professional general opinion? Most respectfully and many blessings.

All my mistakes were planned for me. Does that make me a narcissist? Or am I the victim of a super narcissist?

I cant believe i didnt know what red flags were 😢

Big mistake this week! I made a jokey boast. I am going to pay for that slip. (work narc)

What would be the healthy way to deal with shame? Do narcissists every recover?