I feel SO SEEN AND UNDERSTOOD! I am keeping this video to share with future romantic partners because you do a much better job than I would. :) Thank you!

Amazingly spot-on as always. I'd also add a *huge* one for me as an FA, which is the knowledge that the person is with me because they want to be with *me* personally, not because they want to be with A partner and "I'll do." In other words, I need to know that they chose (and continue to choose) to be with me because they developed feelings for me as a specific person, not because they were looking for someone to fill a role. I NEVER, EVER get involved with someone just for the sake of being with someone and not being alone, so it's extremely important to me to know that goes both ways. I kind of feel like if I can trust and believe that, then I can be pretty flexible otherwise, and a lot of other things will just naturally fall into place.

-Emotional Depth -Trust -Presence -Safety -Passion -Novelty -Growth -Freedom -Independence -Appreciation

Also, if we're upset about something and keep bringing up an issue, don't ignore it. Be the bigger person and talk about WHY an FA keeps circling back to something they think needs to change. What we're really saying is that this is something that needs to change or I'm walking away. It doesn't have to be my way, but it can't stay like this. Compromising is important in relationships.

This really helps me understand the women I’m with. It’s been a rollercoaster of trying to get a grip on how she works haha. I implemented all of these aspects and I feel like she’s starting to really accept me and we’re growing really close (slowly). The main thing I learnt is do NOT pressure them. Be centered in yourself and remain strong and stable and let them be. Thank you for the advice 🙏🏻

Thing that triggers my avoidance: Me (on a 4 hour phone call): “I have class tomorrow morning-“ Them: “awwwwwwwww don’t go yet!” Me: “I really need to sleep, I’m really so tired I haven’t slept very much (2 hours last night)-“ Them: “alright fine… I just miss you so much!” Me: “how about we call the whole day Thursday!!” Them: “yay!!!!” (I will completely ghost you after realizing I won’t be able to handle my exam without sleeping, but I’ll be too afraid not to “make it up to you”) This to me is “I’m not considering that you have needs and you’ll have to fight for them at the risk of disappointing me or making me mad at you, which could lead to abandonment or betrayal” The thing that builds trust for me: Them: “hey it’s getting late, don’t you have class in the morning?” Me: “ah yeah, 6 am” Them: “I’ll let you go, text me and let me know how your midterms go.” Me: “I will thank you! Goodnight” Like, I know it’s not your job to remember my needs all the time, but I would hope as my friend you can understand that I will not put my needs before your wants, and I won’t fight very hard before giving in. The running afterward is “I can’t meet my needs and stay in contact”. Also when you set boundaries with me, I feel more safe to have them too. Please tell me “I’m winding down for tonight, how about another time?”. That makes me feel like you aren’t giving up your needs to connect with me- so I won’t have to either. Please watch for my needs. I will overextend myself because I think I’m indebted to you.

For the past five months until now I have been in dealing with my ex who has a fearful avoidance attachment style. We have been in a relationship for almost 5 years and we have a misunderstanding that results to our breaking up. Our relationship has been inconsistent, with moments of progress followed by periods of distance and uncertainty. Despite still having strong feelings for her, I find it difficult to reconcile and move forward when I am the only one putting in effort.

I learned with years how so many people I met weren’t liars they just said a lie..which made a huge difference sometimes I would notice how fragile my trust is…it’s super difficult for anyone to be honest 100% all the time and never ever make a mistake…and never ever say the wrong thing or look at me with an empty look..it’s crucial for FAs to know a flaw in a relationship doesn’t mean the relationship has failed

Just got dumped by an FA (although just found out recently all the attachment styles) he said he fell out of love but cant even explain how, why or when. No explanation. I stayed with him for 3.5years and it always feels like you are in a “trial and error” phase. Always tip toing around them. Felt like they want you to perform in a way that’s acceptable to their standards but never really telling you what are those. like im the only one trying to prove my worth while he on the other hand expected me accept him as is or he’ll leave. It felt so unfair the whole time. While his needs were mostly met, mine wasn’t. Not even close. But I stayed cause I love him and care for him. Two weeks after the break up I discovered attachement styles and evertyhing makes sense. The problem is, do your work too! Dont expect everyone to just adjust to your wims. We all have childhood traumas to some degree afterall. I initially want to get back with him, hence the research. Now that I know, lol what can you even bring to the table? Will never come back nor want to. I never feel so free until now.

This is all facts. I've been telling my fiancé this the entire time we've been together. I learned a long time ago that u can't expect ppl to kno your needs if u don't let your needs be known so i communicate what I'm feeling, thinking, & what i need regularly, waaaaaaaay before i get mad about not having my needs met. The less 2 ppl have to play the guessing game, the better chance the relationship has of working.

The novelty and safety connection makes so much sense. I want to try new things without being afraid that I will be emotionally punished for doing it or come back and find that safety/security gone (in my head: as a consequence). I'll never forget my dad calling me weird (as an insult) when I tried things he would never. That feeling hits the core.

This...word for word so accurate. For me, as an FA, right now trust and safety is soooo important and is the driving force of me choosing who's for me and who's not. I didn't recognize that safety was important at first until after separation. Now if I don't see these two in someone, I'm no longer hesitant to cut you off. Life is already too hard and my relationship doesn't need to match that. It's exhausting

The need for growth and growing together with another person in a relationship also comes down to knowing that I deeply know and understand the other person as much as they know and understand me, therein lies the safety and security in that relationship

This is dead on. I would like to clarify though that asking FAs questions doesn’t mean interrogating them about all of their life experiences especially when you are just getting to know each other. That is likely to feel really overwhelming, draining, and violating to a FA. I dated someone like this who appeared to be AP. It felt like she was trying to pull information out of me in a very inorganic way and it didn’t make me feel closer to her. It just made me feel like we knew a lot of personal stuff about each other before we organically developed intimacy, which just feels uncomfortable and awkward. Ask questions that are thoughtful and relevant to the situations you find yourselves in together, and be respectful when someone indicates a boundary.

Thais your gifted , your analysis is spot on.

What's funny is when i started to delve into attachment style theory it was an avoidant that purs the search. I wanted to understand him. I then i realized he is me! Lol😂 i through trying to understand him i found myself! I was like that's why we're having this issue, we both tripping lol😂

It's so great to have everything structured like that. I am DA and I resonate with all of these needs.

Omg this cannot be more spot on… if I want someone to understand my needs this one video summarizes it all

this video is such a bombshell. i've watched it like two million times, ty thais!!

Great explanation. I have been so-o-o calm, reliable, grateful, but when he withdraws with no explanation or warning, I get angry and I tell him I don’t want to see him, not with anger but with calmness. He will slowly reestablish contact and say he would like to talk. I listened to what he had to say, and then I gently asked, am I to go on believing that you love me when you are sending all kinds of signals that you don’t? Well, he got it, and we’re seeing each other again.

Yup, like someone else just said Spot-on as always. May you continue to be blessed Thais. 💖

Thais is the only person that truly gets the essence of FAs needs and breaks them down in a phenomenal way. Im thankful for this channel ❤️🙏

Being understood is a huge need of mine

Yes! I like when people ask lots of questions to get to know each other. Trust through congruency, consideration, transparency. All important.

Thank you, this is so helpful to understand myself and to be able to explain it to future partners. You do amazing work!

Your videos are always helpful, but this was incredibly well put together and relatively short for such a broad subject! Thank you!

Thank you for making this video. I recently discovered I’m a FA. I’ve been diagnosed with so many wrong stuff and I think this is finally the answer I’ve been looking for

I feel incredibly seen, understood, and validated. Thank you for this video and the work that you do!

This was so so helpful for me as an FA to be able to share it with my partner. Thank you so much.

You're so good! Nailed it ❤

As an FA that leans anxious, this makes so much sense! I can definitely understand the duality and conflict of coexisting needs that would seem to be opposites

WOW, never felt so seen, all these things really explain what I want in a relationship. I didn't even realize I was an FA and really watching your videos has given me so much more clarity on the specific things I want and it's better explained. As someone who is with a DA, it's extremely hard to find a common ground sometimes and it's because I havent been able to establish boundaries or express my needs in a way that they dont feel attacked.

I really took a lot from this,your videos has so helped me be so understanding to my partner,I struggled to start with as I was just constantly feeling I couldn't understand, then she told me and then I watch your videos all the time how I can be the best for her while understanding that certain things she does is no attack on me but just her attachment.

This is AWESOME ❤❤❤ it’s pretty much exactly what I needed and it’s helped me identify what was present and absent in certain relationships that I’ve had as an FA. This is so helpful, thank you so much ☺️☺️☺️

I am 35% fearful avoidant and the rest dismissive. This video made me understand why my fearful avoidance tendencies are so strong in my current relationship and it's because almost none of these needs of mine get met even when I express them well. That's an eye opener especially considering I spend the majority blaming myself for the problems in my 10 year relationship.

What an amazing intro/disclaimer!!!! 😢 needed that!

This has also really helped to explain why I’ve struggled so much with friends who cancel plans without much consideration for my feelings. It’s really affected how I feel about our friendship and now I see why it’s so important to me. It makes me feel not cared about when someone drops me at the last minute without acknowledging how that affects me and now I feel much less inclined to make plans with them or share how I feel because the trust has been broken.

Wow this is so SPOT ON

Very well explained!! as always

Gosh you really understood FAs so well.

I absolutely have this attachement-style. Kind of horrifying how accurate this desribes me.

thx Thais i love your FA vids. i think i learnt a lot about myself in recent years and i think some of that came from your vids. sometimes it helps to watch them, even though i know the things they say already. it just makes me feel less weird to know that i'm not the only one who's like that.

💯 honestly believe we were meant to have different attachment styles we were aware not all men to be securly attached for whatever existential reason. But it's good to know how people vary.

This one was good. Thank you!

All this shows a lot of care. And they run away from that. I’ve been in it and that’s been my outcome.

Great list! 💖

Nailed it!

I'm saving this video to send to whoever my future partner is. Spot on.

100% accurate. Thank you

Thais!! this is SO interesting!! I am (sometimes) dating a fearful avoidant with CPTSD. I keep thinking I am starting to understand ...not even close.... I have learnt so much here...in my head at least... I love this woman so much but can really scare her and push her away unconsciously. Listening to you helps me sloooowww down a bit so that I can be more present for her but thank you so much for your work,,,

Your content is great! Thank you so much for sharing

Amazing content!!

Thank so much for these videos on Fearful Avoidant. It’s a fascinating attachment style.

Wow- finally insight at 50 !

She basically read me to filth 😭 she really knows what she is talking bout. I feel understood by listening to this.

I recently found out about attachment styles and both my partner and I tested as fearful avoidant 💀 it makes so much sense from our childhoods and the way we are, it's really opened our eyes. Here to try improving ourselves now 😂👌

Thank you so much.

Thank you, Thais ❤

I am hurt that I fell for and loved an FA. She hurt me so much and she doesn’t understand her hurtful actions. Why must an FA put so much of their burden of their happiness on their partner?

In my experience, individuals with a fearful avoidant attachment style seek what they are unable to provide. They occupy so much space within the relationship that it leaves little room for the other person.

I am FA but overcame long way when became Christian and builded relationship with God , also this videos helped me greatly ! I learned that what my partner can’t give me I can find in the love of God ❤ I am married with DA who as well is growing. I believe that FA and DA can be a strong couple. I see how much the differences can benefit what they truly need to become the best version for others and themselves.

All of this information is just too much for me to consider & comprehend ; I like simplicity & my dog really appreciates me in a very comfortable fashion. Woof

Try being married to an FA who is also an alcoholic. Now high functioning, “almost” sober alcoholic FA but it’s a double whammy. It’s a very complicated dynamic to navigate and it’s like just chill, I love you, I’m not going anywhere. I never know what he wants or when the bottom is going to drop out. Then the cycle of building up his confidence and security starts all over again.

100 % TRUE !!

Amazing video Thais! I resonate a lot with this. Can you maybe make a video for FAs regarding why we keep going for people who trigger not making us feel seen, appreciated, emotionally connected, and how we can change this pattern?

I feel extremely called out by this video. 😂 thank you.

I would send this to my DA parter but he would ignore it and be annoyed

Thais, I’m totally a FA and finding your channel is like an oasis in the desert. I appreciate you!

This all sounds good, to bad my FA ex was consistently inconsistent and pushed me slightly anxious and devalued. They need to learn you get what you give! If I mirrored his BS he’d just shut down hard and be less communicative. If he actually had conversation with me, we’d both have had our needs met. Instead he decided to flee. I take it as if the house was on fire, I’d have to fend for myself while he’d just jump out the window.

Thanks, Thais. Your depth of knowledge is amazing, thanks for sharing all of this with us. Are FA & FA doomed? Especially if they don't understand this stuff? I just split up with somebody who we had an amazing connection? We had a misunderstanding over something nice (one person saying 'I love you' on Valentine's Day, the other not returning it), then the person who said it pulled away in silence for a couple of days, then the other person just finished the relationship out of the blue. The connection was so amazing, it's very difficult to come to terms with

Impressive🎉

Perfect fit 🎉

Yep, just blocked my ex for leaving me on read yet again for a 5 days meanwhile he’s on IG posting about his business and on WhatsApp at night talking to who knows. Says he wants to be friends + but I refuse to continue being disregarded especially when I went out of my way to buy him a birthday present last week. Kick rocks.. guess I’m in flight mode. But I communicated multiple times that ignoring me for days is a deal breaker, he couldn’t respect that so I’m done!

Nice video. Strange thing though from many videos on FA is focus on what they need from a partner. I have being in such relationship but such asymetry is not sustainable for long term relationship. They really need to work om themselves.

This list is PERFECT. Honestly, even though I'm on my way to healing and "earned secure" attachment, I don't even want this list to be any different. It's a great list. I'd love to hear more about how our needs shift or remain the same as we heal our insecure attachment. It seems like there are some fundamental desires that may just be intrinsic? I don't want to dictate my needs based on a trauma response, but I can't see a thing wrong or unhealthy with anything on this list. This warrants more discussion, I think.

I think I’m a FA I was in a foster home from the age of 3 and experienced very very little love and attention- I’m in a relationship later in my life as my husband died after 50 years of marriage. I want to learn more about this trait to help me in my present relationship- I listened to this podcast and realised I may be a fearful avoidant- I though I was an anxious attachment style - but this resonates with me - I would like to do more work on myself and wondered how much you charge I don’t don’t have a great deal of money but realised I do need to do work around this ? Christina

I lost my FA at the start of the power struggle stage because she felt unsafe. Unfortunately, not being able to move healthily into that stage made the relationship extinguish.

Getting it I guess

There is something that I don't understand. I have a FA attachment style and I do have all these needs. I would not settle and definitely not stay for long in a relationship that lacks one or several of these. This is why sometimes is hard to find all of them in a relationship, so I completely relate to all that Thais says, but in the same time I wonder: aren't all these needs healthy? Connection, depth, being there for eachother, while also being independent and not having co-dependency, relying on the other, etc. I feel like the way she describes FA's is like we are very conscious people and we do not put up with shit and we are also intense, people who ask a lot, but I guess that we also give a lot. Yep: avoid me in a constant way (only a few times is enough) don't care for me and I will be out the door before you can even realize what happened. I normally did explain, but I used to grow cold really fast. I hope I am more secure now and observe myself if these mechanism appear again. Maybe the unhealthy thing is exactly this - how I did not even wait - the minute I sensed something was off I was ready to go, or at least this is how I operated until now and I know that it was a defense mechanism. Writing this, in a way I am beginning to answer my own question - maybe the problem resides in the fact that I have all these needs and I was also really intense about them, like I needed them to happen in the same time and almost none of them had to be missing in order for me to feel well and safe in the relationship and want to stay. I think that safety is actually the core need here and a lot of these needs have to do with safety, or fall into the "feeling safe" category: I feel safe if I am heard, if you are reliable and constant, if we have a deep connection, if I can be myself and be able not to be there for you from time to time just minding my own thing and I can still be sure you will continue to love, care and appreciate me and that you can fend for yourself whenever I am not available (because I have my own issues to solve or need to just do my thing and I do not have to feel guilty about it). I/We do need very emotionally mature, stable persons around us and especially in close relationships. I think there are some deep wounds there. But anyway, all these needs I guess they are healthy and they are what makes a mature relationship in a way, but maybe the intensity of needing all of them, all the time is the problem. Maybe I can just cut the other a slack from time to time in the future. Laugh a little about this and relax. Nobody can be so perfect all the time and they also shouldn't. I think it is exhausting for me (it is being continously under alert in a way) and it could also be for the other (depending on how relaxed or secure the other is.) I think that as I heal and become more mature all these needs will be there, but without so much intensity, not so "I lack air if I don't have them" sort of thing. Since I know I can also self-sooth and meet my own needs and do not need to take it to the extreme or so personally whenever the other is not so perfect and fails to meet a need exactly how I want it and at the moment I want it. This does not mean they are going to abuse me or that they do not love me anymore, or that basically I am not safe. I mean somebody who generally cares for me, with whom I share emotional depth etc, but who's just a human. I guess that all these needs meeting cannot be there at a high level all the time. A mature person, especially if I am self-aware and if I communicate this, may try to meet them, but anyhow... I mean I feel like, at least in my case, I can just sometimes take distance and understand that if the other cannot (and nobody should) meet all the time my exact needs, it is ok, it is not about me, I can still feel safe as long as the relationship overall is healthy, of course and it's satisfactory in general. Well, actually as one grows more secure and heals, everything becomes more pacific and the sense of urgency dissappears and the interpretation of things becomes more objective (like - if my partner has a bad day and does not want connection, that does not mean there is something wrong with us and I can respect it without freaking out). This is my contribution to Thais' words, written from my personal experience and understanding. It may be relatable to more people.

I wish I knew about these about her first.

Great video! 5:30 so true for me as an FA! 6:23 isn't trust built on congruency for everyone? 13:00 is more of a female trait Most points in video are important for any relationship.

I've been spending time with a woman who says relationships terrify her. But I have said from the beginning let's just hangout and have fun. No relationship as a main goal whatsoever. She gets close and then freaks out and pulls away. Which is fine I give her her space

How can you tell the difference between someone projecting their issues onto you and someone who actually cares and sincerely wants to help?

why couldn’t I have found these things earlier in life 😩

I am 100% sure i'm a FA now and I feel so seen as a FA! I

Thanks for another great video Thais..been watching a lot of them the last couple of weeks searching understanding....is a FA likely to start an argument out of nothing when things are going great, and end a short term relationship only a couple of days after declaring their feelings and how happy they were becoming ? It makes sense, but it doesn’t at the same time.

Here is my advice: Don't date them at all. If we cause people pain just to be with us in a relationship, we are the problem. My advice to anyone men or women with past trauma and tons of baggage - get a therapist, face your demons, learn the skills you are missing in order to be in a healthy, loving, and happy relationship; and, find peace. And don't date until you are healed because no one is worth putting someone through pain just to be with them. Or, if you are already in a relationship - boy oh boy to realize you have caused someone lots of pain just to be with you - only two things are going to happen: (1) You'll run from the one on who loves you and cause more pain while putting it all on the one who loves you because of cowardice. Or (2) face the truth, ask for forgiveness, and now, it's time to undo the damage and reciprocate. Most of the time, 70% will choose option 1. And trust me when I say this, I am a counselor and this is what I see all the time. My advice for everyone - if your past wasn't the greatest, get a therapist and go to work before more people you love gets destroyed especially your own children.

All the tests say I'm securely attached but listening to this I'm quite sure I'm fearful avoidant 😅 But more like "ignore-my-fears avoidant" 😂😂

The FA expects congruency from you, and this should be normal in any relationship, but when you remind the FA not to be incongruent with you, they deactivate because you've triggered them.

I hate im FA and DA at the same time!!!!😫😫😫😫 I need help and feel so broken. My husband wants to separate and doesn't love me anymore because i neglected and even broke him with always being distant, mad about small and big things, withholding connection and now he is so shut off. I cant stand experiencing my anxiety, loss and feeling inadequate to meet all his needs for 13 years. My body is in distress, cant sleep, im so tempted to drink to numb myself. I also never felt he met my needs because he is so emotion driven as AP himself. I wanted support, consistency and intellectual growth as a couple. I wanted to be known deeply and him to desire to know me instead of just 'enjoy' me. It just makes me feel like its about him. He is a good guy as a person but u feel like net picking at him and i withdraw thinking he is not good for me to me. Im traped in my own gead with lies that seem real.

This is so me 🤣 I thought I'm anxiously attached but this explains me spot on. Novelty and passion are the first things that attract me to a partner. Vulnerability too. I like partners who are attached to their emotions. I like deep conversations and new adventures. I just get anxious when my partner is inconsistent or when their words don't match their words but I'm very understanding when people need their space. I value independence and freedom so much. But not too much space like going weeks without speaking. A few days is fine. Otherwise this just described me on a 💯

Is there something that FAs don't need?? Talk about choosing regrets

It seems like consistency and follow through would be a big trigger for anyone as well as consideration and trust no? Not arguing just genuine question

What about if a FA being inconsistent & can't see it also can someone have all the attachment styles

In providing all of this to a partner in a relationship, you really should be in a position where you are also receiving it *back*. And I don't feel like FAs are capable of doing that. Relationship with them is so one-sided, with the secure person carrying so much. Navigating a minefield.😠 Constantly giving so much more than they're being offered in return. This huge imbalance of needs. It's unfair and ultimately unhealthy. Draining. Unfairly challenging. We deserve equal fulfillment of needs.

Member of the school here…what is the title of the webinar Thais is referring to in this video? Looking in the webinar library for it.

When you watch a couple videos and go...oh .. it's me..hi..I'm the problem it's me.

Provide all of these things for him and it's still not enough. He will still flip, suddenly find you repulsive, and push you away.

I'm not sure how to provide someone with safety and passion, etc when they just disappear, as FA's do.

When navigating this how does one not get resentful to their needs not being met?