What Women Really Want from Men (Its Lack is the Cause of Most Divorce)

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Rachael Sloan - Divorce Coach for Men

Жыл бұрын

There is a very specific form of emotional security that woman want in relationships. If it's missing, no amount of money, good looks or great sex is likely to keep her with you.
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Helpful Books for Divorced Men (affiliate links)
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► Lost Connections: Why You're Depressed and How to Find Help - Intense and well researched. I would recommend this book when you are past the early stages of divorce and have a stable support system in place.
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I’m Rachael Sloan, Master NLP Practitioner, certified life coach, and the creator of Better Beyond Divorce. I've helped hundreds of men move past the shock, betrayal, grief and anger they experience both during and after a divorce, to a place of clarity, calm and confidence. I hope to help you do the same.
DISCLAIMER: I am a Master NLP Practitioner and personal growth mentor. The material in this video represents my understanding and experience and nothing more. This content is not meant to replace professional medical advice, treatment or diagnosis. Always consult your medical provider before making any changes to your treatment.
Men often show me statistics demonstrating exactly that. And it makes sense, because both societal messaging and biological drives around reproduction both seem to push in that direction.
But it’s not the whole story.
I know it’s not the whole story for two reasons:
There are thousands of women out there right now who are divorcing good looking men who make good money
In fact, that might be the number one source of confusion I hear about from divorced men - they were good providers, they created a great life for her and the kids, they were kind and never abusive… and yet she’s leaving.
There are outliers in the data.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to live the rest of my life with that kind of bitterness. Not when there is evidence that there is something else going on, something else that women actually want and value more than money, more than looks and more than financial security.
I’ve been studying my clients and the causes of their divorces. I’ve been talking to women. And I’ve been examining my own marriage, in the good moments and in the awful moments.
And I’ve found the answer to this question, what it is that women really want.
We want a very specific form of emotional security.
When I say you, I’m not laying any blame on you as a man. Women suck at this too. The reality is that most PEOPLE have no idea how to provide this kind of security for their partners, even though this is exactly the kind of safety both men and women desire most.
#divorce #relationships #dating

Пікірлер: 131

@robertschoolfield Жыл бұрын

Wow; this one explained emotional security with some specifics I had been missing. 1. Not letting the crazy, mean things one does, make you think the person herself or himself is crazy or mean deep down. 2. Let them sense in your body language, way of looking at them, steadiness with them, etc that you know they are both good and capable themselves, despite the temporary lapses we all have. Thank you. I'm watching it over again now.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Жыл бұрын

You're welcome, Robert. Thank you for watching. I think this is a fascinating topic... it has such repurcussions for all of us, because if we think other people can truly be crazy or mean deep down then that also means that we ourselves could be those things. A lot of the work I do with my clients is about helping them see themselves with the same kind of compassion and grace I talk about giving a partner in this video. Thanks for joining in the conversation!

@maurotolari9215 8 ай бұрын

The woman who divorces her tall, good-looking, wealthy husband is not losing anything at all. She has the children of the tall, good-looking, wealthy husband she has half or more of the assets plus maintenance and child support .Now, she can go from man to man looking for that elusive emotional safety that she craves .

@4thHermit616 Жыл бұрын

Wow, this video was powerful. Those 2 things your husband does. Not taking things personally and not holding it against you. I admit I failed in not taking things personally from my ex wife. But I rarely held anything against her, and profusely apologized if I did. Unfortunately she also took everything personally and she did hold everything I had ever done against me. The key I found to not taking things personally is to deal with your own insecurities. Its like being called shorty when you are 6'2". It doesn't hurt. Because there is no insecurity there. I have done tons of work on dealing honestly with my insecurities. It's rare now when I take any insult personally.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Жыл бұрын

Thank you, Richy. I appreciate your kind words. I agree 100%, and I love how you explain the way you've dealt with your own insecurities. If we love or even like something about ourselves and someone else criticizes that, it doesn't hurt. It is only when their words mirror something we are afraid is true about us that we suffer. It sounds like you've done some amazing work on that for yourself. I hope it helps you create the life and the relationships you want for yourself moving forwards.

@diegomarquez9505 7 ай бұрын

This is exactly what my ex and I needed and lacked which led to our divorce initiated by her, Emotional Support and Security.

@jimigreenwood950 10 ай бұрын

It does hurt learning we were so emotionally disconnected. But understanding it was going on for years both hurts and makes it harder today to focus on future. It helpful to understand there are still opportunities to maybe emotionally connect with someone in the distant future.

@ingrained2train 23 күн бұрын

This was by far one of the biggest lessons I learned about relationships! My girlfriend and I have a great relationship and when she talks about our relationship and why she loves me so much, she always says how I make her feel so safe and seen, how I validate her feelings, and don’t take her emotions personally Makes a very healthy and loving relationship

@TannerTubeTV Жыл бұрын

This information is solid gold. I hope that anybody that was compelled to click and watch is really taking this to heart. I wish I would have understood this concept several years ago. I focused too long on providing, protecting, parenting… I all but completely ignored the intimacy that comes from emotional safety. My marriage of 12 years is on the very brink of ending because i didn’t understand what I was not providing. Living with a depressed spouse and fumbling my way through it for too long, we’ve only recently started having “real”conversations about those feelings and needs that I’ve felt uncomfortable hearing. It may be too late for us already, but I truly hope this helps even one couple find their way to a stronger relationship. Thank you, Rachel.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Жыл бұрын

You're welcome. Thank you for having this conversation here. I'm very sorry to hear that your marriage is on the brink of ending right now. Depression can complicate the already challenging task of navigating a marriage. I hope that you and your wife both have some support as you navigate the 'real conversations', it's not easy work to do. If I can help more directly, please feel free to reach out - rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com. Depending on you goals right now, I might be able to support you myself within a coaching program, or point you towards some other resources that could be helpful.

@MrDeano-eu9rg Жыл бұрын

Shit, this sounds likel mine. 12 years also almost 13, she dropped it on me last night. Hopefully I can save it but ironically I've started being really affectionate the last few weeks and now this.

@stz03 3 ай бұрын

Best of luck my guy. ❤️‍🩹

@charlesdial7152 2 ай бұрын

I am going through the same thing in my marriage because I didn't listen or communicate to her my feelings about alot of things, so she checked out and I felt like she was doing something with another person because my stomach was hurting me until it came to the breaking point. I am kinda scared of what the future holds for me because I've been with her for over 22yrs and I am afraid of abandonment issues, once I get back to being myself again I will be able to come out of the funk that I'm in because she has moved on faster than me and that shit hurts 💔

@hman2912 Жыл бұрын

It's easy to blame someone else. It's hard to look inwardly and realise that maybe I can do better. Thanks for another great video

@rafazeva Жыл бұрын

This video is amazing and makes understand much more why what once was to me a beautiful marriage ended up in a divorce, thank you. I really wish I had knew about you a couple of years ago. This videos could save others to go through the emotions that come through and after divorce. It really makes me wish I could go back in time. All the best and definitely planning to join.

@rynovoski 14 күн бұрын

It’s great advice. It almost hurts me more to hear this because I practiced this in my relationship, but they survived abuse and started to project things onto me while working through that. So I provided emotional security and had danger projected onto me. Cycles of abuse are so awful.

@mrbc1848vu 7 ай бұрын

Excellent - great tone/voice - useful direct dialog for men. You definitely know how to talk to men. Keep up the good work.

@Guaicoboi Жыл бұрын

I just absolutely love your candid way you present your information.....

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Жыл бұрын

Thank you. I appreciate the kind feedback. I don't often share a lot of my personal experiences in these videos, but I'm realizing how much my own experience is informing my understanding of my client's experiences, so perhaps it is important to share more about it. Thanks for watching and for commenting!

@markcollins1012 Жыл бұрын

I was more emotionally intelligent than my ex-wife. I told her that "I did all this work on myself and have grown. I'd like you to work on your emotional intimacy." She said "I'm not going to change and I'm filing for divorce." This was three days before father's day. I wanted emotional security. She thought emotions were four-letter words. She was only functional when I was the problem. When she had to look at herself, she crumbled and ran away. I gave her space. I tried to understand and have patience with her attachment issues. I let her prioritize everything else in the world over me. And she still left me and blamed me for everything, even after I became the best version of myself. She served me with divorce papers while I was waiting in the hospital ER, taking my 5-year old for emergency medical care. She sure was a winner.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Жыл бұрын

Hi Mark, thank you for watching and sharing some of your story. It sounds like she was the opposite of emotionally available. I have to wonder what she went through in her childhood... at the same time, it doesn't matter. You don't need that. Someone's past traumas may explain how and why they came to be the way they are, but it never excuses or justifies abuse. It isn't your job to save her or fix this for her. I hope you have the support you need to heal from the trauma she's passed on to you, take care of yourself and move forward into a relationship with a partner who is able to meet you in the emotionally honest place you are seeking.

@markcollins1012 Жыл бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thank you for responding. :) No one has suggested to me before that she was abusive. So that is validating to hear.

@jackthere 9 ай бұрын

Rachael's reply is the salient point: You don't need that. So why are we men subjecting ourselves to this? I am 5 months removed from a 5.5-year relationship with a woman I loved very much. She was abused as a child and it made an absolute mess of her. Explosive reactions, abandoning me during small arguments, stonewalling, contempt. Her main coping mechanism was alcohol. I was paying for the sins of the father. I loved her children as my own and they treated me like garbage. I can sit here and declare her a mess, but what good does it do? It doesn't change the fact I put up with it. And only a broken person would do that. Much work needs to be done. I have no desire to be angry at her. Or at me. We're both broken. We both did our best. And now we each have a chance to be alone and do the work? I'm taking the opportunity, as it's the only thing I can control. I wish her healing, pray for it every day. But it's not my problem.

@Castor-dd3mf 5 күн бұрын

Very intelligent and deep conversation, like this ! Thanks for sharing Raphaël !

@carblessliving5136 Жыл бұрын

This video is GOLD! it actually helped me to understand myself as a woman. Thank you for your insight ❤❤

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Жыл бұрын

You're welcome! Thank you for watching, I'm thrilled that it was helpful.

@traetonmcglohon4563 Жыл бұрын

In my experience, I find most women's wants change on a consistent basis as they are emotional beings. This just makes it very risky to invest long term as that emotional change could cost you everything you've worked for. Providing emotional security usually comes down to spending more money . I personally think a woman who is willing to meet you somewhere between logic and emotion is probably going to give you the best outcomes. But playing completley on a women's emotional playground can be dangerous as this is where she can use emotional manipulation to make u fill her emotional security bucket just to get what she wants from you. Just a thought

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Жыл бұрын

Hi Traeton, thank you for watching and commenting. I agree, finding a partner who can meet you in the middle, who is also somewhat self aware and interested in becoming more aware, is probably going to give you the best outcomes. You bring up an interesting point, which is that we always have a choice. I can meet someone who has very strong reactions, and I can have great compassion and understanding for that person... but that doesn't mean I have to choose to share my life with them, or even be friends with them. I get to choose who I invite into my life and to what extent I want to stay engaged with them. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

@phabeondominguez5971 Жыл бұрын

Lot of good stuff here, so good in fact, that I'ma save it, to watch it all again later. Keep em coming like this!!

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Жыл бұрын

I'm so glad you enjoyed this! There are a few more along these lines coming up, so stay tuned :)

@emac1804 Жыл бұрын

As always, gold nuggets here. Such valuable advice !!! thank you.

@HKashaf Жыл бұрын

Bravo, you nailed it. I think emotional security is at the heart of most domestic issues. That doesn't make it easier to implement but it helps to know how to move forward. Someone once told me to wait till she is at least 30 after that some degree of maturity kicks in but after six years of patiently waiting I didn't see any change, I know she tried but it became an endless cycle of her just trying and no results. Her lack of accountability didn't help the matter. In all honesty, who amongst us is actually good at accountability? Instead of voicing my concerns calmly I would bottle it all up inside, get a second job and then a third, just to push the needle forward and allow her some more time and then it would come in the most harshest way at the most inopportune times. The whole thing had a snowball effect. Anyways, thanks again Rachel. Your content is a god sent.

@fickleemu4life401 6 ай бұрын

18:54! Right there. 100% And the bit about feeling seen when you’re with a person. Great video ❤

@rohangowland949 Ай бұрын

This explains something I had always wondered about. There was a work colleague who was friendly and supportive of me even when I was going through a really tough time which resulted in my forced exit. I was always puzzled why she was my friend when we didn’t seem to have a lot in common and I was not wealthy or good looking. I finally realised it was because I always spoke to her with admiration and respect for her work as well as herself. You are so right when you say that it feels really good when someone looks at you with deep respect and admiration. It also feels good to look at someone that way. It is a kind of love ❤️

@1rm2 Жыл бұрын

This is one of the sanest and most hopeful things I have heard about relationships. This is great work ... and I sincerely hope it helps a lot of men and women. It does take time though for the other person to understand and appreciate the kind of space that is being created (something that you've also mentioned) ... and sometimes, they might just never get to the point where they understand it and appreciate it. They might end the relationship before that and look for a new one. That can be a big trauma for the person who gave / created that space, don't you think? That's the (big) risk one takes in building a real, solid relationship, I guess ...

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Жыл бұрын

Yes. Wow. Thank you for sharing these thoughts. You bring up a really important point - the impact this has on the person holding the space. I think it can be traumatic, IF the other person is reliant on the relationship itself for their own internal emotional security, ie. needing the validation of the other person's love to know their own value and worth. Here's my theory - I think that the ultimate goal is to first give ourselves this kind of emotional security, then give it to a partner. That's honestly the bulk of the work I do with my clients. It's less about helping them create emotional security for a loved one, and more about creating it for themselves, by giving themselves the grace, the space and the compassion that I talk about in this video. I've found that when people do that they inevitably begin to trust themselves and feel safe inside themselves. Then they are able to experience rejection or the end of a relationship without trauma. That doesn't mean that it isn't upsetting or sad, it just means that it doesn't damage their ability to love themselves or to take the risk of loving another person again. Is that helpful?

@1rm2 Жыл бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thanks! That was very helpful. To be honest, the immediate (cynical) question that popped in my head after reading your reply was "If one is internally secure in oneself anyhow, then what's the point of any relationship anyway". But on the slightest reflection, obviously, that's a childish question. A relationship is probably more about mutual shared exploration of self, the other and the world in general (we often make it about validation, unfortunately, due to our individual conditioning). If one is secure internally, I guess the exploration can be deeper, calmer, happier, surer - there's always so much to discover/ explore despite and within the seemingly mad tumble of the world, the self and other (!) Also through a relationship one can probably always help (by a kind of induction) the other person reach that calm internal emotional security as well. And two such people can help others, and so on ... A deep thank you for the work you are doing! It really is something. And so much more insightful than so many others out there.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Жыл бұрын

@@1rm2 You're welcome, thank you for watching and for chatting with me. Your question is actually a great one - I find that most people ask exactly that when we do this work together! I'm glad you brough it up. Looking at love and relationships this way does require us to let go of some of the images of passionate, romantic, movie style love and replace it with a more practical (aka deeper, calmer, happier yet more BORING!) kind of love. It can be difficult to let go of the romantic love we were raised to expect. Have you watched Alain de Botton talk about romanticism? He speaks to this shift in a really elegant and humourous way - kzfaq.info/get/bejne/qbZ_qKyqqrDSknk.html

@jb5313 Жыл бұрын

Wow i think you are spot on! I listen to you and in my case i think you are right. My ex cheated on me in the 1st year of marriage and it absolutely destroyed me. I now understand kind of what happened and its because of your videos. She worked for a doctor and had an affair with a intern who she thought was a better choice than me. He dumped her after he tired of her. She never wanted to talk about it and never would even say sorry. She had several affairs after that. I know i never could get over the first affair and i'm sure she knew it and was looking to connect with someone instead of trying to heal us maybe due to shame. I was hurt and the wound festered. I now believe she thought a child would bring us together but shortly after adopting a 4 day old boy she met a guy that i think she saw as her soul mate. She divorced me even though we had made progress to reconnecting. That almost killed me, and i was very bitter. She is living alone in a 1 bedroom apt and had put on over 100 pounds i remarried to a beautiful woman who my family loves and i would never have had the courage to ask out lol. We have a beautiful life together and because of you i have let go of the hate and anger. Thank you so much!

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Жыл бұрын

You're welcome. Wow, that is quite a story. Thank you so much for sharing it with me. I'm thrilled that these videos have helped you move on and let go of hate and anger. Thank you for watching!

@garyr1934 5 ай бұрын

Your story would be absolutely shattering and heartbreaking if it weren’t for the fact that you rebuilt a well deserved life This outcome was so good to read and should inspire all struggling men to not give up on love and a chance to start again

@TheDoctorProfessor Жыл бұрын

I appreciate the insight Rachel! One thing I'd like to know more about is the concept of "being rescued) which you mention. It seems to me that when someone is doing poorly that they would naturally want some help during that time. What's the difference between truly helping them and seeing them as someone who needs to be rescued? How can we show someone who is in a vulnerable state we are trying to help them, while still respecting them as a resourceful adult?

@genesebelius4466 5 ай бұрын

Thanks so much for your help.

@arniep740 Жыл бұрын

Thank you Rachel for another informative and insightful video. Unfortunately, in my case, my ex is not interested in why or how my wounded inner child drove me to some bad behavior. All she is interested in is the bad behavior. She has told me that she loves me but unless she can have a 100 percent guarantee that the objectionable behavior will NEVER happen again, she does not want to be married to me. ALthough I have healed my inner child issues, I cannot give a 100 percent guarantee about ANYTHING. I have come around to realizing that HER inner child has some wounds that make her feel unsafe without that 100 percent guarantee, though she denies that she any inner child issues. I am powerless over that, but I don't fault her lack of insight into this issue.

@uctom7364 Жыл бұрын

Please don’t give up :) Rachel’s videos are great. For what you are talking about I would suggest also checking out Geoffrey Setiawan his videos are fantastic and I feel they could help your situation a lot. Good luck

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Жыл бұрын

Hi Arnie, thanks for watching and commenting. It is hard when the other person doesn't give us this grace. It sounds like you have a good perspective on it, understanding both yourself and her (even if she doesn't understand herself in the same way). It's hard to look honestly at these things in yourself. It's common to feel ashamed of our own fears, issues and wounds from the past, and shame makes us hide, often from ourselves more than anything. I'm glad that you've got so much insight for yourself. I hope it helps you with your own process of moving forwards.

@aydenmarshall8546 11 ай бұрын

This was really nice and validating for me. My divorce was caused by both is us not being able to provide emotional security for each other

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach 11 ай бұрын

I'm really glad it was helpful. Thank you for watching and commenting.

@babydollkincaid4584 Ай бұрын

What if you find out your spouse has a mental illness and hid it from you?

@KJ-pu8dw Жыл бұрын

Men: emotional security will only ever work one way in a relationship. You must be her rock. But if you ever show weakness in your life her respect for you will diminsh very fast. She will assess her options. I say respect because she can not and has never trully loved you for you.

@jimthechaosbunny Ай бұрын

Tricky one here... I watched this hoping it would help my relationship situation, but while it's true that what I want is emotional security, it's not *my* worst moments that need dealing with. I've been begging my partner for years to take care of himself better (while trying to lead by example), because I can't do it for him. He has an anxiety disorder, and when he isn't looking after himself properly he neglects simple things like physical safety. I moved out because he was leaving knives on the floor where I could trip over them - no malice behind it, and he's not incapable, just a complete lack of thought for himself or others in how he does things. I honestly love the way he sees me - the fact that he does see me as capable, competent and whole is why I have stuck around as long as I have. I just don't have a solution for that. How do you resolve when someone just isn't *thinking*? Or when their self care is so bad that they endanger other people?

@dougposten 15 күн бұрын

It’s often about money - how many women initiate divorce and refuse alimony?

@user-ui8pw2zf3n 3 ай бұрын

I spent 15 years of a 17 year relationship trying to do just this. I can read back to journal entries I wrote where I reflected that my wife was just flooded, core wounds blah blah and I should show her security. Turns out, it never got better. I spent so much time looking after her feeling of security that I ignored my own. I’m not arguing against having compassion and understanding for your spouse but you need to love yourself as much as you love your partner. Don’t confuse martyrdom with love. This is a dangerous message if not qualified. Also, any data that this is the reason for most divorces? Or just drawing broad conclusions from outliers?

@kiddytube3915 24 күн бұрын

I provided enough emotional security and safety. This barometer is all completely made up.. Women are governed by their feelings and their feelings are constantly changing. One minute, she feels angry about something that you said, the next, she feel really happy with you because you did something thoughtful. Women don’t think long term. It’s what you can do for them at the moment.. and they’ll forget everything that you did for them in the past. Oh and my ex, she started an emotional affair. Even though I was providing her with the usual emotional support and listening to her. Yet, she pulled away from me, she went with a full blown affair with the person that she was developing an emotional attachment with aka, she betrayed me. Fast forward a year and a half, she’s not doing any better with me out of her life. She probably regrets what she did, but doesn’t know how to patch things up. It is what it is. She can go hunting for that emotional support, but she’ll never get it from me again. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice..

@davidcalixte9785 3 ай бұрын

I think things changed in my marriage when I lost that emotional trust in my wife. It led me to make some impulsive decisions because I had trouble self soothing. I've learned a lot in the past 3 years of my journey but that didn't save the marriage and I'm still learning to be ok with that. A lot of what I heard here is in alignment with what I've experienced and picked up on from my wife. Now the "fun" part of the journey continues.

@user-zj5ml3yq7k Жыл бұрын

so my wife left me because i was emotionally insecure after recognizing my problems and working on improvement of my self , yeah . sounds like she did me a favor after ripping my heart out

@KeiPyn24 3 ай бұрын

I get this. I learned this in my second marriage. She divorced because of a lack of emotional security. "Irreconcilable differences " I had no idea or training on how to validate a person's feelings. Remember, no one cares about men and their feelings. That likely comes from a solid mother in a boys life. My mom is and was not like that. With my wife who came from a family where both parents are recovering alcoholics, I'd sat choose very wisely to marry. Her parents broke my marriage as well. I can also say while I'm expected to give "emotional security" she was allowed to flip and show her awful self with not accountability. At this point I have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like let a lone not seeing woman as incapable of love, accountability, friendship, or even good character. They will use you and discard if not "emotionally secure". To me, women are death.

@scrobag1 4 ай бұрын

My ex wife punished me for my mistakes. When I went bat shit crazy I was given the silent treatment .

@jugulartara4388 2 ай бұрын

What you say makes sense but I believe it explains only some divorces. You also touched on childhood experiences. I think those matter more than people will admit. Many people repeat the behavior they learned as a child - even destructive behavior leading to throwing away an emotionally supportive spouse. My ex repeated all the same behaviors she witnessed her parents commit when she was a child.

@nesbe3174 4 ай бұрын

This video has been very helpful for me. Also as a Christian it helps me understand that this is what God does for all of us in Jesus Christ. In forgiving us our sins and paying for it with his own death, he is giving us Grace and not Judgment and in doing so gives us the emotional stability we all need of not having to be defined by our Sin but allowing us to be forgiven and become better people in light of his Grace and love. :)

@kcollins3451 Жыл бұрын

There is no doubt about it, this video is good. While I was listening to you I was thinking how much sense what you were saying made. But, as soon as I started writing this comment I remembered times when I was gentle and compassionate towards my wife when she was upset and, by contrast, how, when I was sad or irritated, she adopted a position that said "Oh cop on and get over yourself!" I also remember how long it is since I saw her looking at me with understanding or affection.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Жыл бұрын

Thank you for watching, Kevin. This video could just as easily have been titled, "What Men Really Want from Women".... it's not so much about men and women as it is about humans. We are relational creatures. We need to feel connected just as much as we need oxygen to breathe. Without connection we succumb to depression, despair and, often, death. I'm sorry that your wife didn't give you the emotional safety, intimacy and connection that you needed. One of the great tragedies of our times is the tendency for people to view relationships as a battlefield, keeping score to figure out who is 'holding up their end of the deal' instead of showing up as true partners, supporting one another through the challenges of life. In my experience it usually goes back to childhood experiences, where many of us learn that love and emotional support are not guaranteed, and that we need to protect ourselves in our relationships. Sadly that greatly handicaps our ability to give and receive emotional safety, and it takes a lot of awareness and work to break free. I think you're doing that work, and please know that others are too, even if your wife isn't one of them at this time.

@pbrucpaul Жыл бұрын

The problem here Rachel is that if you're not getting some recognition or reciprocal reaction from somebody you're doing this Empathetic Trip with, you feel like a Dope then it's just get out and don't look back. Pretty sad, but that person can bring you down. You start making those Judgements that can fester and bring you to being mistrustful. Like a Sociopath with their indifference somehow doesn't have that Trauma is a really Base worldly issue that stunts well being.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Жыл бұрын

I agree, sometimes the healthiest thing you can do for yourself is to leave a relationship that isn't meeting your wants or needs. Often when someone starts this empathetic approach it takes a while for the other person to respond - you're changing a pattern or interaction and it can take time for the other person to trust that change and feel safe enough to join you there. Other times the other person simply isn't willing, ready or able to do that work with you, and in that case taking care of yourself may mean choosing to leave that relationship. Thanks for watching and sharing this comment!

@ljacks10 Жыл бұрын

I love this video. I’m not sure how to change my mentality from being the “protector” to having faith they can do it on there own. I can do this for my kids but not for a partner. How do I get help with this?

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach 11 ай бұрын

Hi, my apologies for a slow reply. I can help with this shift. The best way to get started is to get my Better Beyond Divorce app (it's free to get started). It will give you some immediate tools and also give you more details about next steps and how we can work on this together. You can get the app here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/bbd-free-app Thank you for watching and commenting. I look forward to going deeper into this together.

@markgamache6377 Жыл бұрын

Some personality disorders are actually someone *being* the disfunction from their childhood. It’s not transient. The core identity (if they even have one) is the damage. Holding space just allows them to manipulate you further. The key is, do they ever exhibit the reciprocal behavior?

@busybuddy236 6 ай бұрын

No They don't. What she is presenting ONLY applies to an emotionally mature/semi mature woman who SOMETIMES behaves emotionally erratic. NOT a pathologically flawed woman who never was emotionally capable/mature/sound/safe at the baseline or beginning. The first thing to ensure before getting in to relationship is to remove/triage/sort through such pathological women in dating stage. After they haveen weeded out, only then get to relationship stage where you can follow this advice to foster emotional security with a MOSTLY sane person.

@aliarock Жыл бұрын

The funny part is that men who went through your therapy after bad marriage experience will probably make the best husbands. I wouldn't mind getting one after you 🤣 I also have to say that very good therapists are so rare. You take even small things apart and make sense out of it and explain everything in such a clear manner, very convincing and helpful. Big respect for your professionalism and expertise!

@keiththompson8021 Сағат бұрын

I thank you for this conversation. I have a suggestion. Some points made during the interview were difficult to understand. If at all possible, review this with a man. Ask him, how would a man make that point? The language used by women is much different than that of men.

@akosfellner5061 5 ай бұрын

I am in a big trouble if this video is right. 😆 My core value in a relationship is the love. Not the security. But OK, i find a girl who loves me, and not looking in me her emotional bodyguard. But I knew here that you are a Super Woman who acts sometimes crazy. 😂😂😂

@TallnBald Ай бұрын

TRUE NATURE!!! All the way. Especially when they want to place divorce as their fight or flight.

@mw1606 Жыл бұрын

This was pretty sophisticated material. I can't disagree with much of it. I would limit this by saying this does not apply to extreme behaviors. I would say it applies up to the point where someone is engaged in destructive behaviors - gambling addiction, substance addiction and abuse, spousal physical abuse, and especially infidelity. The extreme end of the relationship-ruining behaviors are character-defining behaviors. If and when they can master those extreme behaviors, then we can talk about these other issues. I suspect you may agree that those issues are beyond the scope of what you meant. Otherwise, I can agree with most of what you said.

@christiaan4music Жыл бұрын

Just a few weeks ago my wife anounced we are getting a divorce. She tends to stuff emotions away or distract herself from them through various means. Then of course they boil up in all kinds of ways throughout the day. I probably wouldn't be overeacting if I said the last couple of years more than half of her waking hours she was in a very bad mood towards me and the kids, even hostile. Now I'm not saying that is an easy or friendly environment to live in but........I did not deal with it in the way you are talking about it. Very often I did not make her feel safe emotionally. I'd be patient for a while but then get frustrated and tell her to get help (which of course she did not want to hear because I didn't provide that emotional safety). I do not know if I could have prevented her decission, there are also other issues but I highly regret not helping her to feel safe. And now she will never let me close enough anymore in order for me to change that. I think what I feel the worse about these last couple of weeks are not even the unfriendly things she has said or done to me over the course of time but the things I have said and done to her and the accompanied resentment I feel towards her for not permitting me to ever correct those regrest anymore.

@rohangowland949 Ай бұрын

Don’t blame yourself. We are each at our own stage of personal growth and we respond according to where we are at at the time. It’s not your fault and it’s not their fault. Accept, learn and grow and try to do better.

@brianhoyt3780 Сағат бұрын

My wife would yell at me and I would wilt like a child and feel chastised like a little child and I would basically take it personally.

@glennvillanea1429 Жыл бұрын

My wife left me almost 2 yrs ago saying she didn't know why but wanted to be alone. Did not give me a reason. I did not understand an begged but she just shut down. I gave up an filed for divorce an finalized in January. Wish i would have had this info of emotional security back then. What hurts she never talked or gave me a reason. I was a good husband an man

@markgamache6377 Жыл бұрын

Also, women want ‘nice guys’ and emotional stability etc… But only from guys they are attracted to. Looks and money are just the ante to get to the bonus round.

@homealoneuniverse1221 Жыл бұрын

I have a problem with your premise. Those 'crazy moments' can in fact be defining. They can be exactly the red flag you need to see to escape a dangerous and destructive relationship. People often get trapped in an abusive relationship because they have learned to make excuses for the abuser. They had a rough childhood. They do have some good days. They're under a lot of stress etc etc. This is a trap. Yes, good people do have bad days, and sometimes don't manage it well. But finding genuine safety for yourself sometimes means you have to give up on someone and get out while you can. You can waste many many years of an otherwise beautiful life struggling in utter futility to give someone emotional security who does not and never will appreciate it or respond to it the way you hope for. Sometimes escape is the only rational option.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Жыл бұрын

I think we may have a little misunderstanding. I'm not saying that you should stay with someone who treats you in ways you don't want to be treated. I'm simply saying that you don't have to believe they are bad person in order to leave them. I don't believe there are bad people. Everyone is a good person. Often good people behave abhorrently. There is always a reason. Sometimes in a relationship emotional safety can be created and two people can overcome their differences, their childhoods, their fears. Other times one or both people simply aren't willing, ready or able to do the work necessary. It is always your choice who you are with, how you spend your time and who you choose to share a life with. But telling yourself some people are simply 'bad' creates more problems, not less, because then you have to figure out if the one you are with is 'good' or 'bad' instead of just making a decision about what kind of relationship you are willing to engage in.

@homealoneuniverse1221 Жыл бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Hi Rachel. Thanks for responding. I do get your point. I feel though like your video may resonate badly with people who are struggling with leaving a truly failed relationship. Abusers will intentionally guilt their victims into blaming themselves because they just haven't tried hard enough, when what they really need to do is give themselves permission to go. Sometimes it gets to a place where you can't justify trying to see the good anymore. Sometimes you just have to get out, because you're wasting time and putting yourself in harms way.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Жыл бұрын

@@homealoneuniverse1221 I agree - often you need to leave. I just wish more people who aren't happy in their relationships could understand that you can choose to leave with blaming yourself or hating the other person. That creates so much unnecessary extra suffering and drama. You can leave with love for yourself and compassion for the other, and leave without abusing yourself in the process.

@melkerner 2 ай бұрын

What do they want? - they want whatever they want at THAT EXACT MOMENT. Ask her in 5 minutes and that will change.

@D159-rz2iz Ай бұрын

I get having a space for them to go crazy but what is the number we’re you say ok that is bad behavior and it needs to stop 24 years my wife would have these episodes I always let her have her space She showed no accountability After 20 years of this I realized I can’t trust her with simple tasks never mind anything that adds any stress If I had meltdowns like that she wouldn’t have a space for me she would’ve left me a long time ago So what is the number before she has to take accountability for shaking our families life up like a snow globe every 6 months? Because I have had enough and started telling her what she has been doing to me and now we’re getting a divorce because I’m controlling and manipulative

@sljones9103 5 ай бұрын

Im going through a divorce and its pretty obvious she married me for my money she wants all my money

@lmiller1413 3 ай бұрын

Dont fight. It's not worth it. There is real love on the other side of this mess. Sounds crazy. I'm sure, but don't let money stand in the way of you and someone in your future who loves to be with you, no matter how much money you have.

@monarene44 Жыл бұрын

Both men and women want a partner that won’t take them for granted or cheat on them. Like Ivana Trump said: “Don’t get mad-get everything”.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Жыл бұрын

I agree. At the end of the day, men and women want the same things. It's a shame that we so often find ourselves pitted one against the other.

@cubiczirconiabeard5366 Жыл бұрын

Emotional security? Holds true for some women. You get hold of some 1st gen refugee woman, and they are coldly logical, manipulative, strategic in their thinking and mercenary when stressed, confronted with a threat, or something that doesn't go right for them

@emanuelandrade2779 Жыл бұрын

What do women really want from men? Simple answer, THEY WANT IT ALL!

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Жыл бұрын

I wanted to give you an LOL or a laughing emoji... but unfortunately sometimes you're right. There's a popular belief that is being perpetuated in a lot of our societal messaging these days that men SHOULD be able to give women everything, and some women are approaching relationships expecting to receive while being unwilling to give. I do think that there are people out there, men and women both, who are looking for something that is more real and authentic and human than that. But unfortunately you might come across a number of women who became caught up in the entitled victim mentality along the way.

@emanuelandrade2779 Жыл бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Appreciate the fact you take time to reply to the comments. One last comment, I do believe there different types of man and women out there with different behaviors and expectations, but at the end of the day I believe the "relationship equation" is unbalanced where the men need to constantly provide and fulfill the women desire which can be financial, emotional or whatever, and the strength of this relationship is defined by the level of women happiness. Im not playing the victim, it is just a reality, the best option for the man is to man up to be able to have multiple options and do not put all egg in one basket.

@jb5313 Жыл бұрын

You've made me see my ex in a different way. I thought

@jb5313 Жыл бұрын

Sorry i thought of her as a evil, heartless,cruel person who enjoyed watching me suffer. Now i think she was weak and gave in to temptation and couldn't live with the guilt and we never properly addressed. I would have died for her and she realised what she threw away. I think she slept with guys to validate that she was wanted. Funny they all were dead beats, some drug addicts and drunks. She had 1 long term guy that was a drunk that she had to pay for his phone so she could contact him. The idiot even tried to get my now wife to meet him for a drink. I put him in his place real quick. I think she is suffering now our son tells me she is miserable and drinks alot. Karma i guess.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Жыл бұрын

@@emanuelandrade2779 I agree - the equation is often unbalanced in relationships. I think ther is one area that isn't discussed much, and that is men's emotional and psychological needs, both in relationships with women but also in their relationships with other men. We talk about how men have to provide for women, but we tend to skim over the idea that men might not be getting what they need in order to be healthy and happy. I recently learned that the suicide rate for men is 3.5-4 times that of women, and divorced men are 9 times more likely to commit suicide than divorced women... that suggests to me that maybe you're right. Men need more options and maybe we need to start talking about men's emotional needs as well. Thanks for the chat!!

@easlern Жыл бұрын

I think this advice might actually be harmful. If a woman is acting “crazy” you shouldn’t love her more, you should get distance from her. Maybe help her get professional help if you’re feeling generous. But you shouldn’t be a martyr for her, that’s just harmful to you. It won’t make her stay longer or behave better anyway if you do.

@chitownbob9714 7 ай бұрын

I think all women act crazy.....sometimes. They can't help it. They are a hostage to their hormones. Not that it should be a valid excuse for poor behavior. The trick is to find a woman where crazy is not her normal state of mind.

@mikey92362 Жыл бұрын

Not sure why this was in my feed! But ok, I'll bite. One of the blessings of getting old is wisdom. You clearly have a lot of good things going for you as far as your marriage goes. But honestly, it's probably going to fail after a number of years. I've seen this pattern over and over and over with couples who have this same dynamic. I could literally draw an outline for every step you'll be going through. And most of the guys who left comments here....yikes. You guys need to stay away from women. You're going to lose everything. It's so breathtakingly obvious and predictable. Especially you guys who are trying to figure out your exes or wanting some sort of closure. This is a sickness. You're just an endless source of validation. It's gross. Stop it. Be a man and just move on. Or spend a lifetime getting cheated on , divorced, disrespected, and losing your kids and your wealth.

@KJ-pu8dw Жыл бұрын

Men: dont believe what they say watch what they do. Its all about emotion is it? I bet her new guy has more money than you Or is better looking.

@lmiller1413 3 ай бұрын

Or maybe he makes her feel beautiful and loved.

@lpglassco5139 Жыл бұрын

Women are attracted who they are attracted to. If you don't pass this initial hurdle, the rest of the problem does not matter. If someone does not want to be with you, or give it a shot, there's nothing to say, move on. They want emotional security, but they must have someone they are physically attracted to. Money may not matter but attraction absolutely does. Guys, if she doesn't want you, just move on. It's not worth trying to salvage something that is dead. Fond someone who likes you for who you are, not what she wants you to be. And that works both ways.

@naveedrehman2987 Жыл бұрын

Most women want $ and status, luxury, mansions, high end vehicles parked in the driveway, etc CASE CLOSED

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Жыл бұрын

Perhaps in the circles you travel. I imagine many of those women might say, "most men want a hot, younger woman who raises the kids and takes care of the house, who they can show off to their friends." Some men want that. Some women want money and status. Not all. Not even most, in my experience. If those are the only women you're meeting, you may want to ask yourself why those are the kind of people you're attracting into your life.

@lmiller1413 3 ай бұрын

Maybe when they are young and immature.

@KatieLHall-fy1hw Жыл бұрын

My husband is a good person but has no self awareness or willingness to work on himself. It is very draining

@lmiller1413 3 ай бұрын

Some are so egocentric and don't recognize the huge blunders they make.

@salvo918 3 ай бұрын

Wow she can talk and talk. 20 min of blah blah and about 5 min of good points. She needs to learn to summarize and get to the Fing point.

@Itwasme007 11 ай бұрын

Regardless of what this woman say. Everything beggings and ends with how much money you have. Period end of story.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach 11 ай бұрын

I'm sorry that that's been your experience. It hasn't been mine, though I do have some clients who have had similar experiences. I have seen many of those same men break free from that particular community (the people, and women in particular, who are interested in wealth above all else) by exploring the types of women, people, jobs and situations they are attracted to in their lives, questioning those cycles of attraction and disappointment and choosing different ways of relating to people.

@heftex8339 Жыл бұрын

Let me boil this down so you don’t waste 1/2 hr of your time. Gentlemen, you are dealing with children. Proceed accordingly. Your welcome.

@Jay-xb6nc Ай бұрын

A lot of truth to that. Kind of a crap shoot with women.

@troygriffen9200 Жыл бұрын

Feelings are fleeting. Women seem to not understand, or care to understand that fact. If someone displays emotional immaturity when triggered, they have work to do on themselves. It is a lie that a man wouldn't retain the knowledge of their partners emotional flaws, they just wouldn't use it as a weapon. Instead, a man would act in a manner that would minimize their spouses dysfunctional behavior.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Жыл бұрын

Hi Troy, thanks for watching and for commenting. I agree completely that if someone reacts to triggers with emotional immaturity then they have work to do. I'm afraid pretty much everyone (except maybe Eckhart Tolle) has work to do. You bring up a really interesting topic - " a man would act in a manner that would minimize their spouses dysfunctional behavior"... one would think so. That seems like the absolutely most logical thing to do. Yet I very rarely see it happen. In many, many relationships people fall into a negative cycle instead, where one spouse's dysfunctional behavior triggers the other's dysfunctional patterns and then it just spirals. What I often see with men who are very logical is that they respond by trying to manage the emotion with logic instead of with empathy. Unfortunately logic rarely helps when it comes to managing those behaviors. It's very difficult to break those cycles or minimize someone's dysfunctional behavior if you see your partner as a dysfunctional person. The only way to truly minimize someone's dysfunctional behavior is to help them feel safe, which you can't do if you're judging them. Thank you for bringing this topic up! I'm sure we could have a lively debate around it, and those are exactly the kinds of conversations I think the world could use more of right now.

@troygriffen9200 Жыл бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thank you for your comment. I am grateful that you have helped many men work through a painful time in their life (including myself). You are a saint. What I was getting at, is that women think the way they view the world, and the way they view various situations is also how the men in their life will also view / think (a form of solipsism). Women and men are very different. Sometimes, there are happy accidents in which two completely different people mutually enjoy a satisfying outcome to a difficult situation (even when the motivations for the resolution were are also different). I would argue security is an illusion, although I don't disagree people want it. I would be happy to talk with you anytime. Much respect.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Жыл бұрын

@@troygriffen9200 Thank you for clarifying your comments, and for watching. I agree that there are many ways in which men and women are very different. I've also been surprised a lot over the last few years of working primarily with men by the things that are the same. I think we process many things differently and think in different ways (partly from biology and partly cultural...) yet at the core we are relational animals, and our core drives are about connection. It has surprised me how much deep, sustained connection is important to many men. What I've learned from my conversations and coaching sessions with men has challenged some of my preconceptions about men's relationship to monogamy, but that is a topic that could take us down another rabbit hole entirely :) I appreciate your insights and your engagement. I look forward to continuing to connect here on YT.