When Will the Unfaithful Have Feelings for Their Spouse Again?

Рет қаралды 108,661

6 жыл бұрын

Samuel answers the question of when desire returns to the picture for the unfaithful spouse.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.

Пікірлер: 94

@t1sg Жыл бұрын

If someone has to work at having feelings for you again, it’s over. Ugh. F that. Why would anyone put themselves through that shame? Time to let go.

@osagejane5578 3 жыл бұрын

It feels like im sitting on the b team waiting to get called in the game.

@kyleheart8580 2 жыл бұрын

Y’all please find your self love and move on if they loved you they would never have left period

@carolj7586 4 жыл бұрын

I dont care about him having a feeling for me anymore. I already feel peace with God. I dont want drama anymore in my life. I love my simple life.

@benscott6826 Жыл бұрын

Then why did you watch?

@Luke747gal 8 ай бұрын

I want to be in that phase. Right now I feel like I'm being tossed around in an emotional clothes washer. Drowning in confusion, anger and fear of making the wrong decision. V

@sharisunshine7540 5 ай бұрын

⁠@@Luke747gal sorry you are going through this. I can relate. Listen to your heart. Know your worth and do t take less! Sending love and hugs and hope you are doing better.:) Edited for spelling mistakes

@jasonkav 10 күн бұрын

@@Luke747galany update

@LDT7Y 3 жыл бұрын

The question is 'why do you want them to'? I realised I only wanted my ex back due to a sense of control. I was codependent and felt like I couldn't exist without him or the life we had together. I didn't even like him that much by the end of it and knew he put on an act when we first met. But the idea of 'giving up' (as I saw it) and walking away terrified me more than it terrified him. He quickly went back to flirting with other women online and offline (I found out later) and after convincing me he would change he went right back to his old ways. Just more carefully this time. So I had feelings for him, but they were desperation, need, control. I then wasted another few years hanging around before I realised he didn't deserve me any more and I left. It hurt for months afterwards, but I gradually healed and rebuilt my life and just wish I had left a lot quicker.

@marjorieraecameron 2 жыл бұрын

Was it tinder? I hate tinder.

@sharisunshine7540 5 ай бұрын

I can totally relate with this comment. I’m so glad you realized your worth and know what you deserve. Don’t settle for less. Keep pushing through those hard days, and on those days, I Pray you are reminded of how important you are and why you left in the first place. ❤🙏🏻

@electric5hadow 6 жыл бұрын

Thank you for your videos, Sam. Infidelity is physical, emotional and spiritual purgatory. Even though my own wife is still embroiled in her affair for over 2 years, your insight as a former wayward has been invaluable in cutting through the mist of her dishonesty, justifications, misdirections, and just outright spiritual damage. Your videos are more helpful than listening to other betrayeds whose situations likely are dissimilar to mine in terms of severity and outcome. I practically loop your videos when doing things like driving, chores etc. because doubt, what if’s and self blame constantly try to take root. Listening to your videos help remind me that those things don’t belong. I thank God for the work you do.

@samshealingpodcast 6 жыл бұрын

what a great comment edmund. i really appreciate the wonderful feedback. thank you so much.

@leawade9664 6 жыл бұрын

Edmund Rabara There’s a really good Christian movie called “War Room” you might find really useful, Edmund. It’s about how to pray effectively for your spouse & go to war against the real enemy, Satan. I highly recommend it for fighting for your spouse & healing your marriage. I hope you check it out. God is on our side! P. S. My name is Terry. I’m using my daughter’s account.

@That_Handle 4 жыл бұрын

Hear here!

@kevin_conley 3 жыл бұрын

I would leave if my wife kept seeing the affair partner and had no feelings for me. See ya

@monicabrown712 4 жыл бұрын

My husband is doing zero recovery work, but is adamant that he's not still seeing the AP

@suelake1836 Жыл бұрын

Sam it was a shock to me that my unfaithful husband had lost 'feelings' for me. I knew he had strong feelings for the affair partner, but I didn't think that would negate feelings for me. I asked him 'I need to know you still want me and find me attractive' He wouldn't answer! That hurts me so much and I don't know how I can go on bearing that knowledge. Your talk seems to say his feelings for me will come back. I think he's white knuckling it as regards staying away from the affair partner. He has a couple of good friends to support him, he's having individual counselling and we have started couple counselling, but he's very depressed and seems half-hearted about me

@kennethmorris 4 жыл бұрын

I have also seen many videos and it helps but so many things that still have a hard time with confused and unsure what to do

@kathysutton2631 3 жыл бұрын

Good video!!!

@denisevazquez901 4 ай бұрын

Thank you for this.

@SilverGirlAu 6 жыл бұрын

Hi Samuel - can you guys do a video for those of us where our spouses have had an emotional affair (online) and have decided to leave the marriage? What is going on in the mind of the unfaithful & how can the spouse left behind influence them to seek help rather than destroying the marriage & family... many thanks...

@phabeondominguez5971 2 жыл бұрын

It's been 3yrs, did you ever get help with this request? Where you at now in the whole process?

@micheledomin-jones4062 3 жыл бұрын

It’s been nearly 12 months and my unfaithful spouse still hates himself for what he has done and we are still seperated, , me. I’m doing okay and seemed to have almost healed from the pain, through therapy and lots of hard work, but he has done nothing, and seems to want to stay in misery and hating himself,

@brightpage1020 3 жыл бұрын

This is so sad. I hope he can get over himself soon and find ways to be of service and find confidence again.

@c.j.9248 5 жыл бұрын

It's been 3 years. My wife cut ties with the man she had her emotional affair with for 2 years, but there's still nearly zero desire toward me. She has basically said, "trust the process" no matter how long that takes and has said I can leave any time. I am committed to my marital vows I made before God, but living in a marriage where your wife hasn't said, "I love you", held your hand, kissed you, cuddled/snuggled with you, for more than 6 years, you just start to wither inside and become hopeless. Have two children in college and one left at home in high school, but it is just so tough. I know I have resentment, unforgiveness and anger riding just under the surface for me and I can see she still justifies her affair because she found me to "clingy, needy" and going through life with a victim mentality. Just not sure how to handle a marriage like this 3-plus years past "Discovery Day". LIke you said, just so many variables and I am NOT looking forward to spending more years like this, especially once our youngest son graduates and moves out.

@samshealingpodcast 5 жыл бұрын

i would do the ems weekend CJ and start to get help. i've mentioned it before i know, but you seem to be in a desperate situation and it's time for something specific.... it's time to draw a line if you truly feel what you're describing. trusting the process is great, WHEN it's an expert driven process though.

@racerx3062 5 жыл бұрын

Hello CJ, please contact me, I know exactly how you feel. I am in the same situation, if not worse. Its physcially making me sick. Only my daughter keeps me from leaving or killing myself. Would love to talk to you and explain my terrible situation. Need help. Thanks

@graceandmercy423 6 ай бұрын

How did things work out for you?

@glendatalamantes8106 4 жыл бұрын

Personally in my case. I am angry! He will not do anything to help me recover from this affair!! He won't give me access to his phone still. Keeps on silent. Etc. I am losing all interest for him. I have lost all respect. He seems too not care but says. He loves me and can't live w out me. Help!!! I am ready to leave

@andreamarshall911 4 жыл бұрын

Right here with you, love. Won't talk about it or engage with me at all :(

@catherinecanada1489 4 жыл бұрын

Glenda Talamantes do go if He doesn’t let you get the phone whenever you want . I did and show Him I meant it. Is about actions not words. 🙄be strong and if He cates at all Hell teach for you. So sorry for your pain yeah it Hurts

@chess1458 3 жыл бұрын

Im in the same boat with my wife of 21 years

@rRealSigmaChad 3 жыл бұрын

Same here 😕. Don’t like to talk about it and son who is just 6yrs is affected too and he fear about us fighting whenever the talk comes .

@ShaunyP26 10 ай бұрын

This sounds like a train wreck. What’s the point of even making an effort as a betrayed. We deserve so much better than this

@1992SWEDE 6 жыл бұрын

I have watched many of your videos. They are wonderful, thank you. What advice would you have for a couple not married or living together?

@samshealingpodcast 6 жыл бұрын

it really depends but the principles are still the same. if you're living together and want to save the relationship, you absolutely need expert help. the ems weekend will still be a great experience if you're not married. several couples come in that position.

@joshuamuse1105 5 жыл бұрын

I'm also not married but the information I'm getting on AR is so helpful,

@davidjonburke2729 4 жыл бұрын

Is there a video on the 3 phases of the unfaithful?? I feel like I've been going through denial, pain for her and self doubt, now it's anger

@samshealingpodcast 4 жыл бұрын

hi david, not sure where that is. i would suggest continuing to watch the videos. have you been able to find any help on the site, like a course maybe? the hope for healing course is great: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing

@lovelyl.1606 2 жыл бұрын

My husband was having an emotional affair with his co worker for 21 years and I just discovered it last year. He has no remorse of what he has done to me and to our children. I want out but I can't because I cannot afford to pay the rent . He has no love, respect for me and we always fight and hurt each other. What should I do? Please help me.

@aminatabarrie6354 2 жыл бұрын

Am in the same situation it really sad 😭

@JamieAug 2 жыл бұрын

That's why it's a good idea to have a career as a woman. So you aren't dependent on anyone if the relationship doesn't work out.

@saintejeannedarc9460 2 жыл бұрын

@@JamieAug Life can always be revamped, and job skills can be acquired if need be. It's too important to many couples for the wife to stay home w/ the kids. It can't be a world of latchkey kids, just because something could happen, which doesn't happen to most couples.

@Samanthael1234 4 жыл бұрын

Hi Sam. These videos are a huge help, I've binge watched a lot in the last three weeks. Are there videos on stages of recovery? I went from being so terrified he would leave even though he is the unfaithful. Now I'm just numb. Him on the other hand felt nothing and now is going through intense anger. It's only been a few weeks and everything has shifted so drastically. What's happening?

@samshealingpodcast 4 жыл бұрын

hi there. thank you for watching and reaching out. i don't know that i have a video on stages...but there is a free program called our free bootcamp that can help you both: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp this video will also probably help explain more about what happens to spouses when delayed anger happens: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/grF3mpugl6ialHU.html

@richellesmitley9107 Жыл бұрын

What if this involvement with the AP is because a child was born from the affair? Do we just give up since he will always have contact with her?

@stevans79 Жыл бұрын

Why would the betrayed spouse want to continue with the unfaithful who still has a relationship with the partner

@Phier554 2 жыл бұрын

My wife never lost it. If she did I wouldn't be here with her. I caught her first month of the affair before she got too deep. I told her she was probably 2 weeks away from losing me forever. This is hard enough as it is.

@simfora8053 2 жыл бұрын

I’m sorry for what happened, I am the unfaithful and I was in an emotional affair, I’m happy you are still with her. I hope you guys grow stronger as a couple.

@victorkroud8839 5 жыл бұрын

You keep saying “ Work the program”. Early on, in a book by Carnes, we read that in an addiction, the betrayer needs to work on his/her issues while the betrayed/ co-dependent works on her/his issues. Now that (we will assume) the addiction is under control, my spouse indicates the rest is up to me. Any recovery work is my job. Anytime I bring up the subject I get shut down, cause it’s all my concern now- to forgive, to get over it, whatever. Did you do a video already explaining the “Couple’s Steps?” My issue is, learned behavior from the addiction still eliminates any real intimacy in our marriage. We could have relations, but it would be nice to know that it matters that I’m the one in the room.

@samshealingpodcast 5 жыл бұрын

several layers to your question my friend. carnes is excellent for sure. but it appears you both seem to be a bit more disconnected.....have you done any work together? it appears she needs to hear your heart and understand the need to connect on a deeper level no? what work have you all done together? what has she done?

@Abrilgee 9 ай бұрын

Yup you’re right. They’re not receiving any help by anyone. They’re just winging it alone. Sexual attraction is there but not the emotional connection. So he’s decided to give up because he thinks it won’t be the same and that it’s over

@tamekalove2433 3 жыл бұрын

After 19 years of marriage and no children, although we wanted children, the ow got pregnant. So how do I heal when he has to have contact? How does he start to see me differently if he still contacts her? What do I do, when he has to communicate and my healing is on the back-end.

@Meeounn 3 жыл бұрын

Aww.. I'm so sorry that happened. I am terrified of marriage because of something like this...

@Meeounn 3 жыл бұрын

💔

@snowqtee 5 жыл бұрын

Where can I go to get good marriage counseling in Stockton California any suggestions..

@samshealingpodcast 5 жыл бұрын

i would use google and look for someone who has a vast amount of experience treating infidelity.

@donnamilo5495 Жыл бұрын

The problem is is that the BS is definitely angry. The cheater has made them angry.

@felixcat2566 Жыл бұрын

Nope. No desire? For the betrayed? After BEING betrayed? It’s over. I cannot fathom anyone wanting to wait for a wayward to develop what should never have been lost. It has to be over.

@oambitiousone7100 9 ай бұрын

But it was lost…. That’s the dynamic of both .

@nataliewalker5719 4 жыл бұрын

What do you do if you're not sure what your spouse is telling the other person?

@samshealingpodcast 4 жыл бұрын

i would move towards expert help, taking care of you and if he's sharing info or telling the other person more info etc, it will come out. but having a strong base of your own support and healing is key.

@angelabender1820 3 жыл бұрын

I have done all the healing work, forgiveness etc. But my husband does not want to go for counselling. He is staying with the ow. Told our children he is going to divorce me. Yet I sense he wants to be near me when we do see each other. He hugged me a few times when we last saw each other and one time held me for a few seconds longer

@Eniclac Жыл бұрын

My wife still work with her AP, How do I deal with that?!

@The_Stubborn_Christian 5 жыл бұрын

My husband is a truck driver has had numerous affairs that I just found out after 13 yrs, he says we are DONE!! IT'S OVER. He loves me but no longer in love with me. But yet..he keeps calling. I told him that if he wants the divorce he has to file. He said he's going to..eventually.. what is going on? He says he wants to be friends, talk laugh..etc.. I'm trying to find a Christian marriage counselor at least for me... What is going on? I'm want to save my marriage.. should i still talk to him like nothing is wrong.. should i talk to him at all? Please help me...😢😢

@samshealingpodcast 5 жыл бұрын

hi tammy. i would draw boundaries around your life. it sounds, and again, i'm simply saying that it sounds as though he's got this 'wanting to have his cake and eat it to' approach which means he can talk to you whenever he wants, but do what he wants as well. it's like he wants to have the security blanket of talking to you but not respecting you and being faithful to you. you have to do what you feel is right, keeping in mind that if he gets to decide what life looks like it's probably going to favor him and going to disrespect you since he's lived that way for a while. just because he's talking to you doesn't mean he wants to save the marriage. he may just not want to be without you, but still cheat and have his side lifestyle. hope this makes sense.

@abbyglam5795 4 жыл бұрын

I’m in a similar situation. We are now separated and my husband is still seeing his AP, but continues to want some sort of relationship with me. He says he’s sorry, loves me very much, and doesn’t want me out of his life, but hasn’t said he wants to work on recovery. I’m so confused. I don’t want to abandon hope for our marriage but I don’t want to be used as his security blanket either. Any advice?

@ashleykathryn9038 2 жыл бұрын

@@abbyglam5795 I hope you're in a better place now. I would love to hear how you're doing. I'm in the same position and I'm not sure what to do. I'm in my early twenty's with two small kids. We're separated but he still wants to talk to me

@lindadaniel1735 5 жыл бұрын

I hate having sex with my husband when we do it feels as if that's the way he was having sex with the person he cheat with and it worry me a lot

@samshealingpodcast 5 жыл бұрын

expert help is the next step for both of you my friend.

@oambitiousone7100 9 ай бұрын

Why do it then?

@simfora8053 2 жыл бұрын

I am scared Sam, I am the unfaithful and I wanna get better. I am so scared that I will never love my girlfriend again, because I want that, and I wanna feel the love for her I had before because I know I loved her and I wanna be with her.

@sharonmartelli3154 4 жыл бұрын

What if the unfaithful has fathered a child ?

@samshealingpodcast 4 жыл бұрын

the marriage can still be preserved, but it takes rigorous boundaries and expert care. we have many couples who attend our ems weekend who have this situation. it's possible to heal my friend. it really is.

@saundracohen4032 2 жыл бұрын

OMG!

@caromonico9317 5 жыл бұрын

Does loss of desire apply to unfaithfuls in short affairs or is this something that you see more commonly in lengthy affairs?

@samshealingpodcast 5 жыл бұрын

it can happen in both for a multitude of reasons my friend. there are so many layers to it, I don't know that I'd tell you it's more common in short or long term, but it's definitely something we see when dealing with infidelity.

@karolhouse6282 3 жыл бұрын

My husband has had what is his third affair, that I know of. Mostly they are “work friends”. He says no sex, just emotional. Well by problem is that we have a recovery program, I have completed more of it, I’m still not perfect, but my husband has quit the program altogether. This has me somewhat stuck since if I remind him that he said he needed help he became defensive, and the reason it is so important to me that he work a program is HE WORKS WITH HIS AP twice a week. Help

@samshealingpodcast 3 жыл бұрын

what program have you been using karol? is he still living with you?

@jayshreesharma5790 6 жыл бұрын

What should I do if get to know that my unfaithful husband is still talking with affair partner

@samshealingpodcast 6 жыл бұрын

there are a few things...but most importantly is to get expert help. here is an article to help you work with him to get help: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate also, you may need to escalate things to this level: www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change

@tmallensouza 6 жыл бұрын

Jayshree Agarwal I have seen you make many requests for help here. I want to talk with you, let you talk, and pray with you. Note I am NOT a therapist. I am a Christian woman who has gone through this. I know that there is a separation from the community that you may feel, since it seems no one wants or is able to help the betrayed. Please send me a message, do you have Facebook?

@ianinkster2261 Жыл бұрын

And what if you're not American? You can't just go round say "well there's something wrong if you're not doing therapy".

@lissymoz959 2 жыл бұрын

Is the title correct? Am I being special?

@brendamurphy8654 6 жыл бұрын

What about if the unfaithful spouse has cheated many times, & has continued to beg for forgiveness, promises never to cheat again, also saying they're going to get help, but they never have followed through? How can I ever believe that this is the going to be the end of his infidelity? We just had our 22nd anniversary, 2 children together, & started cheating on me 15 years ago, before I started getting sick...I've been battling serious health issues for over half of them, & almost died 4 times in the past 10 years. I love him, & want to believe him, but I'm so scared of getting my heart broken again! Right now I only have a piece of paper that says we're married, but I don't feel it in my heart anymore! Do you have any helpful tips, on how I can learn to trust him again? Thank You

@samshealingpodcast 6 жыл бұрын

hi brenda, if he isn't following through, that's tough. i would suggest a few key articles/videos for you here: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change I know though, with health challenges, it can be really difficult and you can feel as though you don't have any power in the situation and I'm sorry for that. maybe the resources will still help you and give you some perspective. in terms of trust, this is a great article on rebuilding trust over time: www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust i hope all this helps you.

@brendamurphy8654 6 жыл бұрын

Thank you so very much for your reply & resources. I'm going to watch them now. Your advice & blogs are truly relevant, of my broken heart...I've been hurting for so long, I'm praying that my husband will honestly change, & become the man I thought I married. Thank you for your quick response & support 🙏🏻

@cocokliks2186 5 жыл бұрын

I feel for you Brenda. I am in the same boat, wishing for the man I thought I married. I feel like I got the bait and switch. I hope you found solace and and a comfortable solution.

@dmcv3389 2 жыл бұрын

Rage and anger when unfaithfull wont come clean this is debilatating for betrayed. All they need.is human decency for their partner to be honest and let the chips fall. The real problem is the deceit and lack.of integrety.

@faiths4587 6 жыл бұрын

I have a question that is awkward to ask but don't know where else to turn. My question is, my husband had an affair and although he seems to want me to do certain intimate things for him, he does not seem to be interested in doing anything physical for me or with me. Is this normal?

@samshealingpodcast 6 жыл бұрын

hi faith, sorry for the delay i was out of town. it's a bit concerning for sure. it seems selfish and i wouldn't want you to reveal details here, but it does seem concerning he would not reciprocate with you.

@JamieAug 2 жыл бұрын

Maybe he's not attracted to you anymore, and only with you because society judges him if he wants to go.