Even if they discard you, you'll get accused of abandoning them if you reject the "friendship" offer and go no contact

They don't really care if you abandon them because they'll always find someone to take your place. If they come back hoovering, it's because they're bored. 🍒

I was accused of abandonment, but even when you explain why, they don't hear. Don't let anyone confuse your healing with your leaving being called selfish or abandoning.

They treat you bad, you decide to leave, then they hold the grudge and lack to take responsibility

I had to walk away. I could no longer live in HELL! I am healing moving forward and staying in NC. Dr. Ramani was instrumental in educating me 2 yrs ago. She is the best. I was finally able to leave and not look back. It took me 6 yrs of wasted time time I didn't have. I am still healing takes along time but moving forward to a new life for myself. Staying in NC is the only path forward. They are not going to change so u must for ur own wellbeing and FREEDOM!

I fled from my Narc aunt while she was at work, I got a bunch of texts from family members saying how I should be ashamed for leaving her alone….my aunt who happens to be a 50 year old grown woman. Insanity. But just proves how it’s never their fault right 😂 nobody EVER asks “what happened to make you want to leave?”

I'm getting ready to abandon the narssest I'm married to for 52 years.

Thank you for this video, Ben. I definitely feel like I abandoned him but I had to because of his complete disrespect and just downright using me. He's going through something now that I know he needed some help and I was that person but if you're going to disrespect the person that is helping you and make them feel like they are nothing, I had to remove myself from the situation. Today is day 12 of no contact. Trying to remain strong.

One of my last straws besides the alcohol and drug abuse before I finally left was I wanted to drive 4hrs to see a elderly family member who was nearby on vacation. At first it was yes, then it was he would go with, then it was he couldn’t so I couldn’t, then it was No I can’t go at all. A month later I was not allowed to go camping with me best friend for her 50th bday…. The money control, the lies we’re all to much and I left that week. 😢 Now we are in custody court and he is the most perfect dad and I am the psycho! 😵‍💫

I had no idea my girlfriend was a narcissist until she ghosted me. I told her over the phone i wouldnt buy her anymore gifts. She's vanished. Looking back I can now see she had some strange behaviour a few subtle red flags. She lacked empathy and affection. I thought that wasnt narcissism. She never told me that she loved me. She never seemed interested in my day to day life she wouldn't ask me many questions. I think I was blinded by her beauty. I thought she was a fun person. We had lots of fun together or was it just me that had fun. Im done with her. I'm now awake. Im angry with myself for falling for it. She won't hear from me again.

If you’re triggering them you’re going in the right direction. Even if they’re violent. Triggering them in a way that they get exposed will save your life because they’ll slip up and eventually the police will have to get involved because their evil will be exposed. Stay safe and play them like fiddles. Good luck.

This is why he called me a narcissist before blocking me, because he lost control and felt me detach.

I admire your bravery; thank you for the work you're doing

I was always accused of looking at other girls, when I wasn't. It became too difficult to go out that we only went on quiet walks. Even visits to see family became difficult with drama before leaving or in the car on the way there. Accidents were almost caused because of how toxic it would become

I married a Narc in 2015 ever since she never let me make freinds with anyone and eventually she startwd having issues me talking to my parents.I finally decided to abandon her

Dr Ramani is amazing! I have learned a lot about narcissism from her as well as HD Tudor, he’s awesome too.

I had been paying the bills, cooking and cleaning for us and the *5* kids. When she left she "just couldn't take it anymore," with no discussion or explanation. A few weeks later she's telling me she's suicidal and I got scared, I honestly told her I don't know how to be there for her without making it worse, needed space and to please get some professional help. That was me abandoning her.

Absolutely spot on. He isolated me from my friends and family. I’d go out for a few hours (on the rare occasion) for food with friends or whatever and come back to the most disproportionate rage and crazy making. He would go out cruising whilst I was at work, continue to keep in touch with other men and when confronted, turn it around on me. He also was diagnosed with BPD. He was also an alcoholic. F**k me thanks god he’s ‘gone’. Great video Ben.

They live quite unconsciously and don't take responsibility. Alone they get angry and tense. If they don't have people to care for them.

I went away for work for 2 nights and he’s went ballistic the hour before I went which made me miss my train to the airport and he ended up driving me there and just made it in time. But the whole drive screaming at me and I arrived at the airport in tears still not knowing if I made the flight. Then when I got home he triangulated me by deliberately spending time with another woman who was meant to be a friend whilst I was away. When I didn’t react as I had started to understand who he was he went crazy again and left that evening to go out and do whatever he wanted! Absolutely crazy and so pleased I’m out of it

I pray god blesses all narcissists

You're accounting of narcissist is spot on in my personal experience. I'm in the beginning stages of leaving my second relationship with a narcissist. My ex-wife was an overt narcissist (with a touch of something else). My girlfriend now of six and a half years is a covert narcissist. I just had my eyes opened in the last six months. Narcissistic relationships cause an enormous amount of pain anguish and suffering to their victims (the people that love them). I admire you for seeing the wrong in your behavior and for striving to become a better person. Subscribed!

OMG everytime I went away to go see my family , I had to suffer the silent treatment afterwards. It's all clear now. Thank you Ben! 🙏💫

I gave a phony reason I was backing away and put out how sick I was getting (I was), slowly made him lose intrest and made myself boring, then snuck away in the night. NEVER break the no contact rule. Never really trust anyone new who comes into your life next because you never knew if they were sent BY the narcissist

My narcissist would actually pay family members to accompany me so he wouldn’t have to. After years I realize he had plans with other women while I was gone. Took me 19 years to figure him out

Wow, almost word for word what she said to me when I got a job abroad for a week. SHE PUSHED me to go for it when I didn't want to.. then when I got it, she changed her tune and then said it was a bit of fun for her cos she didn't think I'd actually get it...wtf? then told me she couldn't be with me during the duration of my trip... 1 week?!.. despite all my reassurance and the fact I've never given her any reason to doubt me, she told me that I would cheat on her..lol.. instead of being happy for me that I'm getting a free holiday whilst getting paid thousands for the week and time away from the stress she has seen me under it became about her... I wasn't prioritising her by accepting it... even though SHE PUSHED ME TO GO FOR IT!! Make it make sense!... you can't.. I had to "abandon" her because the cycle of toxicity is just on repeat... good times then poor times..Im selfish for not thinking about her feelings.. you literally cannot win with a covert narcissist... don't play their game...it's a losing game for yourself and you realise too late you're stuck in an emotional game that you will never ever "win"... get out, stay out, work on yourself... they are in your life to help you reliase things about yourself that need work... that's the only positive from an experience with them you will gain...

It's been difficult dealing with the endless manipulations the narc has used desperately trying to get a reaction out of me. I abandoned her more than four years ago.

Been married to a N female for 20 years….the last 7 years have been hell. Googled her behavior in 2014…and Narcissism jumped off the page. I refused to believe it. She has been sleeping with a business associate for who knows how long. She filed for divorce, for the second time in July 2022. Every time I wanted to go play golf with my buddies, the last 2 years….she would steal half of my clubs out of my golf bag. It drove me to RAGE. She has now slept with another guy for the last year….6 minutes away from our home. Insanity!!

Afternoon Ben, I have been watching you for about a week. I been sharing with this guy how I been watching you, he asked me " do I think he's a narcissist." Ummm......Yeah, so clearly he doesn't know he's this way or he's playing dumb. I recently learned he's was being inappropriate at his former job as Sou Chef with women and prior to that so many things he has done over 14 yrs. He also recently lied to his siblings/ adults about me, I'm assuming they believed him because they called me asking questions. I guess they too are in denial about this guy's behavior, I'm the bad guy because I stand up for myself. So today I have removed myself from his sickness, and yesterday he really disrespected me while he was with his sister, then she shared her opinion a bit, I just shook my head and hung up the phone. I realized I lose this battle. I have to stay away. Thank you Ben, wish u and your family a healy relationship & thank you for helping open my eyes.

My narc mother has on many occasions criticized a family vacation we were planning. Mocked the place we were going to visit. “Why would you want to go to a place like that?“ And said negative things about the place even though she had never been there. “Why would you go there? There’s nothing to see there?” Etc. Anything to burst our bubble. It’s become a joke in our family.

I relocate to another state

Going thru this right now this is so helpful

I CHOSE IT BEN AND PREPARED MY EXIT. I END YEAR 2022, GETTING RID OF THE OLD. HE KNEW THAT, HOOVERED 3 TIMES IN CALLS, I NEVER RETURNED. I MADE IT TO 2023, AND HAVE NOT LOOK BACK. I NEVER WILL. HE HAD TO GO. HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT. IF I CONTACT, IT WILL START AGAIN, SO I DONT ENCOURAGE IT BEN.. 2023, GOOD HEALTH FOR ME! YEZZ , 💃💃💃

Everytime I had to go out of town for work he got distant. I never knew what mood he was going to be in when I would return. I was always walking on eggshells. I was always accused of cheating. Now I knew it was all about control.

This is setting off triggers but I need to think about all of this right now.

I lost everything 🏠 🚗 🚘 jobs ect ect. I'm literally homeless renting a room and doing public transit. Unemployed reflecting tryna figure out WTF. Narcissist go out of their way to kill and destroy.

My Ex never had to do the isolation job first. I was raised by a covert Narc mother. I'm also an HSP and Introvert, so my Ex knew I neither have family nor friends. Which I like, btw, I love being on my own. Also he's a member of a Feminist Organisation for 22 years and would have never openly dared to tell me what I should or shouldn't do. Due to me struggling with a lifelong fear of loss ( except from my actual relationship), I hated when he wanted to be on his own or go out with others. Going out together was hell for me, he triangulated massively with other women, so it was me who appeared like the crazy jealous one.

Thank you so much for this post. Evidently I definitely had a Narc, he couldn’t control me and I don’t give a f***. So I just blocked him on all platforms. Oh well! Thank you.

Don’t do it if you were not ready what came after, be strong, loving yourself , sometimes take time to heal!❤

He left me but in 4 months he wanted back. Hell to the no so he made our kids miserable. He made them suffer so I'd go back but I just taught our kids how to protect themselves. It's crazy he keeps saying he wants peace with me. He doesn't understand I am at peace because he is not in my life. He thinks peace is me in his.

Just got sick and tired of hoping that she'd change. But the straw that broke the camel's back was a fight that was picked out of nowhere that turned into yet another circular argument for the sake of arguing. Having dated another BPD/NPD I saw the Matrix pattern like Neo and got up and walked out. In a moment of weakness did some drunk texting, said some pent-up vitriol and went right back to no-contact.

Always great content Ben! Thanks so much

Helpful and excited for me even to the point of planing out my event such as booking tickets, finding the hotel, printing out map quest so I knew how to get to the event since he wasn’t driving me. A few days to a week before he would say things like I’m going to miss you, act sad, accuse me of purposely going to do x y or z just to be away from him. Use his poor wowies me voice. And I would feel like the worst human on the planet that I was doing this to him. 9 times out of 10 I would cancel my plans or magically come down with a fake sickness as a reason to back out. Then spent days being criticized for not going. It’s not my fault you didn’t go that’s on you. Don’t blame me. I can’t believe you didn’t go I had everything planned out for you.

Wow he would tell me to go with my friend here and there but he truly never liked it.

Everyone around me saw red flags. How come I didn’t? I finally reached a point where due to me feeling like something was off and what was said I graciously with dignity walked away. I’d say more but…at this point it would be me just reminiscing. Thanks Ben

If you're a woman leaving a dangerous man, call your local women's shelter and ask them if they can help you form a plan. Some of them are trained to do this.

This is so nuts 😪

Whenever I was studying for exams or going through something important for work she would always start up a fight because I wasn't paying much attention to her. I figured it out at some point in a relationship but I just got used to it and Shrugged It Off but it made me really upset and mad the first few times

Thanks so much for your insight buddy!! Its extremely helpful.

I was shocked how my gf's behaviors and process was identical to all coverts. Luckily, I broke up with her before she was done crushing my self-esteem. It was such a disgusting relationship. Then I researched covert narcs and could map the world she created to support her illusion. It seems like she has no control, no choice. It's just a script that runs.

One day something in me snapped. I went to the garage, got one of his suitcases, and went to the bedroom and packed some of his things. Then, I calmly put the suitcase in his truck. I told him that he needed to find a place to stay. He said that he thought that he was going to go crazy. I found myself reminded of a line from Gone With the Wind and I said, "I don't think I give a damn." After a year of separation, I filed for divorce. He asked me not to go through with the divorce, but I did. Three months after it was finalized, he married a former coworker. Some months after their marriage, he called and said that he couldn't keep up both the child support and the second mortgage, so he offered to give me his half of the house for a token ten dollar store. The woman that he married was in debt. I went to counseling after the divorce and was able to identify and understand what it is to be married to a narcissist and a high functioning alcoholic who was in a higher administrative job. My counselor said that he hadn't been able to break me. I was able to do this because I had a degree and was a teacher.

I'm not walking because l own my house The narc's gotta go

When I came back from Florida and got home he was waiting outside my house and accused me of cheating… when I took a trip with my kids for my birthday… that was weird. I didn’t understand at the time that he was that insecure and messed up in the head when I was out there drawing his name in the sand while sending him pictures.

OMG I went to Mexico for Xmas to see my parents and even though things aren't great with us...he raged at me, called me selfish, ended things...called me every day on my trip, and accused me of sleeping with everyone. Wow...I get it now.

I use to be aggressive toward narcs n they would play victim but i did more damage when i walked away

Spot on, as always!!

Another completely accurate video.

My final last straw was after he’d abandoned me on a trip to Vegas. He’d paid for the hotel and I the tickets. He got wasted, kicked out of the casino. I stepped away for a few moments and sat at a slot machine. He texted me every name in the book. Called me everything. He refused me access to our room or even to my luggage. I was stuck trying to find another place to stay at 2am. When we returned home I asked him if we could cut alchohol intake. He hung up on me. That’s not love, in any shape or form.

Yes he tried to get me to stay with him and cancel my Xmas trip to see my daughter, grandkids and family. He even pretended to be sick for two days. I left and he didn’t stop texting me and bothering me nonstop. When that didn’t work then became the cruel texts and devaluing ones.

3:54 Sir, you just gave me chills. This is EXACTLY what they are doing to me! Thank you for opening my eyes.

He loved it when I left on a family trip and he couldn’t go …and was completely supportive…. But I believe NOW that it was because he could see other supply. He never accused me of cheating and he never raged. He was always kind and supportive. I am so confused!!!

[Action required] point of break off with you and all connected persons.

Thank you for the insight 😊

Talking about going out w/o him-he’d done a lot of awful things when I was going to leave or wanted to but the worst was when I was going to take my son to a mother/son dance. We were dropping my daughter off at my mom’s, he was going to work & got mad at me & hit me with our car in front of my son. I went flying & the neighbors called the police. I had a warrant for a ticket so not only did my son see that but I didn’t get to take him to the dance bc I went to jail for the ticket. It was horrible.

I discarded my narc ex girlfriend about a month ago, confronted her about numerous instances she disrespected me (talking about her ex in front of me and others, flirting with other guys in front of me, having guys texts her) So I broke up with her, and told her how she like constant attention and validation and basically told her everything that's wrong with her TO HER FACE. She cried, she pleaded, on her knees and I went no contact. She hoovered many times after, and continues. ALL of which went ignored by me. No response. How does she view me?

He would always do something to make me late to leave, then he would call me repeatedly “ just to check in”. When I would get back he would grill me about everything to even find out what I ate and act so sorry for himself because he wasn’t included.

My dad has narcissistic tendencies. I went no contact for 3ish years until my graduation, when I invited him. There was a little conflict, and he surprisingly showed up. I freaked out, couldn't get words out and ended up going no contact again

I didn't warn my ex. I just disappeared & changed my number. I'm fortunate that my number is the only way she can get ahold of me(long distance relationship), and that there's no serious commitments for her to leverage me so to hoover me back.

I left a year ago and I've never been contacted 🙏

I was so insecure whenever she wasnt with me or she/I went somewhere because she had cheating history...and I saw her texts with other guys ..she was Always so distant, calling me names, few lies Also and spending solo time with ex bf on his birthday, and other male friends from everywhere... Her phone died few times on girls Nights out and man she was texting before while we were in restaurant at dinner was there also..(it made me insecure)...I had all this fears every time she was away from me, even when she was at home ...am I narcissistic person...? Im so scared that I could be...she had boundaries that I crossed every time texting, calling her, every time... I just couldnt help myself and I had to be in touch whole time... I couldnt trust her and I was afraid of betreyal . I still think she was girl for me because we shared Nice moments together and she was so beautifull person when we met.(few days after ugly breakup she has New boyfriend who is very Nice guy...probably better and more tolerant than me) ..Someone please explain that to me in some logic way...I cant do it myself and I cant sleep or eat well..tnx for help

Thanks!

8 yrs with a narc, undetermined their cause (family type of narc situation involving drama/trauma added) but mother's day, the fourth of July, Halloween, Christmas, and my birthday were the times of the worst punishment I would receive. I take my kid to the movies on her birthday, he leaves for a visit with his side piece, his car breaks down, and I am the bad guy for leaving him to deal with it and finish my daughter's birthday trip 😩

Yes you are right on

This just happened to me, I told someone that I can’t talk every 5 mins because I have to look for a new job and they totally freaked out.

It's a spiral. Rage.

Thank you for your reminder though I've seen this pattern in his behaviour, your right, better to be in a safe environment to protect ourselves. Donnu what will happen next and what's going through inside his mind. Nakakatakot din.

What do you think caused your narcissistic behavior......was it abandonment as a child?

I discarded him...now he is smearing me all over social media with lies and ppl are hearing his one sided story xalling me crazy

My soon to be ex-husband did this anytime I would visit my family. He would always accuse me of cheating, or being with another guy.

Got hoovered by a manipulative ex after I left her, and her faux-pology was for "pushing me away" and asking for forgiveness, while trying to control the narrative. To accept her apology, I had to agree. She was basically claiming that even when I took control and made the choice to leave, I was simply following her direction (to avoid believing she was abandoned, see?) - She said that it was ultimately her decision to treat me poorly to make me leave. Sneaky.

I worked tons that never happened to me and he was in full time nursing school and I never lived with him so I had no idea what was going on.🤯😮🤧

My uncle for years tried to hold his estate “a modest home and a 97 Transam” lol over my head and threatened we’re over if I don’t do as told. He can be buried in the car if I outlive him and don’t care about the house. He abused me ever since I was a child. No more. Ghosted his ass and instead of moving on himself, he keeps hoovering. I’m keeping my distance, because he’s mental for sure, but I can have no relationship with him, because I get physically I’ll if I know I have to be around him. Take your life back and ghost someone who thinks you’re the problem. Props to anyone admitting they’re a narcissist and taking accountability. I’m not perfect and one can always work on themself.

Got accused of abandoning when i no longer wanted to be with her after she cheated 4 times and promised changed. All of a sudden i became the love of her life when i dumped her.

After five months I was done. He tried to convince me that I never loved him and that I give up easily. That I am not willing to work through rough times which is normal. Tried to mess with my reality that being emotionally abused by him is normal and no biggy. This happens with loving relationship. He even went as far to say that we are both just really passionate people and that happens. The last funny thing was that he is a Virgo and I a Scorpio and that’s why we are having difficulty. Omg he is a Christian and said he didn’t agree right now people believe horoscope. I never believed in it but it was fun if it ever came up to read my horoscope so he would tell me how wrong that was. I said omg it’s fun, I don’t take it seriously. Now he was 😂😂😂😂

How did you not know that you were trying to hurt people though? How can that be something you need to realize? It doesn't make sense.

I DO NOT CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME. I HAVE NO FAMILY AND 1VGOOD FRIEND . ONE OF HER KINFOLK IS THE CHIEF OF POLICE IN THIS TOWN. HE IS AND HAS PEOPLE WATCHING ME. WATCH AWAY.GOD WILL HANDLE HIS SORRY ASS!!!

My ex used my adult children and scapegoated me. I waited till they were 19 to leave.

He was cheating didn't want be villain so he physically got me to leave OUR home had ns and accused me of abandon him...smear campaign was insidious its been 12 mths NC he and his ns are harassing me on social media it doesn't effect me but still trying to trigger me.. says I belong to him...EVIL

When I told him I was going away for the weekend with friends, he told me he was sat in a Pub with his Ex getting back together and she wanted him to delete my number.

The ex narc loved it when i worked away ... he could cheat in peace . When i left my job i worked local and thats when it went down hill

I was accused of cheating when I never did and now the person so upset they hear I’m with a new guy and he upset but he still tell lies and act like he want to still be around but his image to his friends when he was bringing other girls around and he still married why is he so upset and trying to block me from going forward

I went on a 6 days trip to England, by myself in 2017; that was the happiest time of my 19,5 years together with my narc. I slept each night from 19:30 till next morning 7:30, had a nice breakfast by myself each morning at the hotel. Just enjoyed my days and my interests. We had the best sex the night I came home, the only time with great sex in those 19,5 years🤦🏼‍♀️

He kept "his friends w bennifit's" that he was just friends with now. I should should get to know these other women...them calling him all the time, and he'd rub it in my face expecially on holidays.

I think narcs need to be in the nut house. Seriously.

In my experience there are more and more chicks with high narcissism traits opposed to guys. I know plenty of guys who are, I myself used to be one...just seems like there are more chicks nowadays who are because of the media pushing acceptance and perfection for the entire gender rather than self reflection and introspection

Lol

Your proof that even an average looking person with average intelligence can be a narc.

I think you listened to Ramani and your deal is saying you are a narcissist as a hook to differentiate- sorry. The way you speak is not how a narcissist behaves except perhaps in wanting KZfaq attention

14 months eh?

Too much yapping- get to the point and answer the question. Over 3.5min is way too much