I really relate to what you are saying. Thanks for saying it out loud.

I have for 95% of my life felt like im looking out someone elses eyes. Like i knew my spirit and this body are not the same. Its just a suit.

Start watching NDE and you will see. You are so much bigger then we've been tought

My experience with thought and agency is it seems to be happening on its own and the feeling of agency is real, too. I don’t pick either one. Personally, I’m of the opinion that it’s where you’re looking from. Nondual experience is not truth to me. It’s one experience to have in perhaps an infinite amount of possible experiences to have. When I was seeking, I got caught up in the idea that it was Truth, and I see for myself now that that was foolish. I was in a big processing phase for a long time. I was very concerned why other people were not thinking about these thing to almost despair. It felt supremely important. I’m at a place now where I frankly don’t care what most people are thinking and why. Reflecting back, I see that I gave up peace and emotional rest over it. I’ve been really lucky in life. I’ve been quite accepted by my loved ones. I was raised by eccentric parents. My Dad was autistic and truly unconditionally loving. My sibling had a harder time with me for not being conventional, but she’s really relaxed with me, now. I also have an unconventional family of my own. My hope for you is that you find rad people (if you want that.)😊 I suffer pretty hard, but getting older has made life much easier. It’s truly a gift to grow old, like people say. More perspective and hopefully even more relaxation and play. ❤

Nikola Tesla said his inperation came from the ether.

Perhaps we're just avatars acting out life on a game controlled by space aliens like in Sims? 🤔 It would definitely explain a lot. Hmmm Or perhaps the public at large is just so conditioned that the concept of figuring out the why, where, and how one's inner chatter, thoughts, ideas spark from that they are numb to recognizing the point in which it happens. Personally, I'm of the opinion that it would be really cool to figure out existence to that granular of level, I would drive myself absolutely bat shit crazy not being able to figure it out. At the end of the day does it really matter? Will it really change the way you feel about the outcome if you knew the truth about the process?