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@ChaiLatte132 ай бұрын
This makes a lot of sense. My husband doesn't talk to his mother and it is a mix of everything you said here. His mom is not willing to have any conversation. She just yells.
@ThePhantomLion3 ай бұрын
We are DONE with toxic relationships, they brought this upon themselves, simple as that.
@lindseyroy16292 ай бұрын
You are likely the toxic one.
@badado2 ай бұрын
Really .. are you absolutely positive YOU AS A XHILD HAVE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE TOXICITY IN YOUR FAMILY OR HOW YOU TREATED YOUR PARENTS OR BEEN FOOLISH ENOUGH TO CHOOSE THE ADVICE OF A NEW PARTNER OR BF OR GF THAT YOU WERE QUICK TO OUT ABOVE YOUR OWN PARENTS??
@thisisntallowed9560Ай бұрын
@@badado IF YOU YELL LIKE THIS IT MAKES YOU SOUND EMOTIONALLY STABLE
@thelazynortherngardener7607Ай бұрын
@badado when we type in all caps, people consider it to be yelling ❤
@AuburnGrad2008Ай бұрын
@@badadosettle down their boomer
@dianagarrison3138Ай бұрын
I don’t think estrangement is new at all; we’re just being a lot more honest about it. My uncles might have had “a hard time”, but I am naming and claiming.
@Melancholygreen4 ай бұрын
This was fantastic. Thank you for this list. It’s a good list to work on relationship skills to keep communication healthy and open for parents like me, too, who still have full contact with my adult kids and don’t want that to change. I want to stay open to them always, but having come from a different background than that I am without healthy examples of how to keep things open and healthy without disagreements shutting things down. There might be parents watching this who refuse to see things from their child’s perspective with an open and empathetic heart, and that’s really very sad. Our kids never stop needing parents, and as people none of us stop growing so why should our relationships never need maintenance? A growth mindset is crucial when you have kids.
@DrMaikaSteinborn4 ай бұрын
Wonderfully put, very on point 👌🏻, thank you ✨
@Katanasquirrel873 ай бұрын
I wish my parents could have the kind of introspection this video insists upon. My father was incredibly toxic and would repeatedly insult my mother, when she was the person who solely raised me. I tried to raise boundaries and asked that he not say those things around me, and he then decided that I was the one who should be targeted. I haven't blocked my father entirely from contact, but I cannot be around him unless he can engage with some amount of introspection about how being raised in that environment hurt me. At the same time, my mom insists that I need to completely forgive him, despite me repeatedly explaining that I can't forgive him and move on unless he's willing to engage with self reflection. At the same time, she's repeatedly shoo'ed off insulting comments made by my family, and will not speak to me without yelling over almost everything I say. While I love her, it's incredibly hard to feel wanted and cared for by her and I'm worried I might need to set that boundary with another parent. Parents can often times have trouble shutting off the part of their brain that identifies you as a child and not as an adult, who deserves to be taken seriously as an adult. While it may be their best intention, they can often look at any conversations and growth discussions, not as one adult talking to another adult, but as a child not knowing how the world works. It's incredibly frustrating as someone who wants to have full contact with all of my family, to be looked at as less than and to have your parent back that thought. I would love to be a more active part in my family, but the reality is that if I'm going to be insulted and not feel like I have any kind of back up, then I really don't want that kind of toxicity in my life. It's an incredibly sad decision to have to make almost any time it happens.
@DrMaikaSteinborn3 ай бұрын
Thank you for sharing your experience. A relationship to parents not willing to introspect can be tough terrain to navigate 💯. All the best to you 💖
@Kuschel199424 күн бұрын
Be the bigger person! Be tough! Don't let their weaknesses steal the relationship.
@TheHellomypeople4 ай бұрын
Ive done that as a child for thw reason number 4. My mum projects her insecurities on me and she didnt respect my privacy and boundaries. Now when im pregnant its useful to know what the reasons may be to try and avoid mistakes
@morrisdennisАй бұрын
Unconditional luv is a myth in this world...
@MsMollah3 сағат бұрын
More so now than ever.
@mattstiefel480610 күн бұрын
It's awful when your parents are highly insecure people, who treat everything in the family like a power game. They treat their family this way, because they're cowards who can't play the same games outside the house. I have always enjoyed working. Because at work, most people are acting like a team, in pursuit of a common goal. At home, it was nothing but tearing each other down, delighting in their child's failures, and minimizing their successes. My choice is not between living a fun life, and fulfilling obligations to my parents - it's between life and death. If I fully bought into my family's narrative, I'd be dead. My Uncle was the only other person with the same role, and they drive him to suicide - continuing to shit on him after death, for not doing well in a job interview, and being so weak that "he just couldn't forget his childhood." For a long time, I thought that if I killed myself, my family might see what they're doing, but they never will. If I didn't get this unfortunate lesson, I'd be dead by now. No one in any family deserves to die, so their parents can feel okay about themselves. I can't believe this is a controversial opinion. How many people can say that they were surprised, by how relaxing and heartwarming it is to have a job, and experience natural consequences of our actions. If every family operates this way, then everyone should experience similar surprise.
@tmking74833 ай бұрын
Estrangement is not rare it's been going on forever. Almost every story in the Bible addresses these issues.
@DrMaikaSteinborn3 ай бұрын
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this! My impression is that it's become more of a topic of wide public awareness and discussion these days. Also, estrangement is different from cutting the metaphorical umbilical cord, which is a topic I feel has more of a longstanding tradition...
@givslipАй бұрын
@@DrMaikaSteinbornI too think estrangement, have gone on forever in human history. But it is a family taboo subject and filled with a lot of shame too it publicly. So i think previous in history, it just was not a subject too be discussed or admitted too others, outside the family unit. Its a very shamefull and taboo thing too be, or too talk about with others, that you or others are in your family with each other. No one likes too tell other people, that their family has fallen apart. Others will judge it harshly and start think bad of you. If you are an parent, whose child have cut you of, you risk other people thinking you most have done something really bad and abusive too that child, for that child too have estranged from you and remain unwilling, to reconcile with you. The more time that goes on with a child - parent estrangement, the more evident it becomes for others, that there was abusive or abandonment involved. Small things can be reconciled in time. Seriously abuse, can not. Children don't orphan themselves generally, without very good reasons for doing it, no matter what the other parent says too them, bad mouthing the other parent. Reconciliation always happens in general, if no emotional/ violence/ sexual or neglect abuse or abandonment, happened. No one rejects an other good or empathy kind hearted human being. Somebody fucked up the relation. In every relationship there is two people, but only one is needed too fuck it up. The harsh reality i think your video neglects, is the sad reality of when it becomes necessary for a child, too flee away from an unfit abusive parent, never too return again and orphan themselves, to protect themselves from more abuse or more neglect or a toxic lying person. Some children may even start fearing for their life, if subjected too seriously abuse from an parent and it may even, be a real thing. That the parent is subjecting the child too so harsh abuse, it becomes a matter of life or death, for the child too get away alive, from that parent, both physically abuse or really psychological abuse, like deaththreats or use of physically intimidation. The child can later get pstd and commit suicide, if subjected too horrors as a child. - No sane adult child that has been seriously abused as a child from a parents side, would ever let their own small children now, be alone with their previously abusive parent as a grandparent, now. Many parents i think crossed the line into child abuse during anger or rage outburst and some, totally over the unforgivetable line, never too be crossed, did. And then they start denying that they did so and they don't want too take responsibility for it afterwards and runs away, abandoning their children and estrangement happens forever then. Deadbeats toxic abusive parents. They don't want too take responsibility, but blame the other parent for it, because they love themselves more themselves, not wanting too risk criminal charges as a child abuser, too be uncovered by other. Run away from the consequences and deny it forever and hope, no criminal charges come to fuck up their own life. You can always get a new partner and make new children, with that partner, if you are still young. But child abuse convictions, are an lifetime consequence following one. So they run away and deny it forever and starts a new family up again afterwards. Children are dispensibel for abusive- and toxic parents. Children can also drive an parent too cut them of, if the child is toxic and the abuser, but its more likely the other way around, because the parent have the physical power in the relation, when the child was just a child. Nobody can really convince an child, that their parent is bad, if that parent is not, but an empathic kind hearted non abusive person. If you as a parent are confidential with your child and your child adores you, then its really hard too break than bond up, no matter who you are then. Nobody can badmouth my mother too me for example, because i won't believe them. She is a very kind hearted person, i trust with my life and always have been close to. All human beings live with two overall fears in life. That's it. The first one is biological vulnability. Emotional and physical etc. All human beings must 24/7, all the time treat other human beings with empathy, love, care and respect their security feelings. If you subject other people too intentional fear emotionally or physically, you risk the consequences of the second overall fear. The second overall fear, is the fear of being cut out or estranged. Its just logical, that what you make other people feel, will make them act on those feelings. If you cross the red line and makes other people afraid or subject them too crimes/ seriously abuse and horrors, they will estrange you then for life. Just because you share the same blood, don't give you a free grencard too treat other people poorly.
@HennyWarren3 ай бұрын
My son cut ties with his entire family (myself and his brothers) No explanation, no response to any messages. We have no idea what has happened. Even if he has an issue with me, he absolutely ADORED his oldest brother but he even cut him off. We are absolutely clueless.
@DrMaikaSteinborn3 ай бұрын
That’s tough 💔
@alexusevans1751Ай бұрын
Probably because the brother is close to you
@thelazynortherngardener7607Ай бұрын
I'm so sorry ❤
@dianagarrison3138Ай бұрын
If you don’t know why you’ve been estranged, then that is a huge part of the problem. You are saying that you’re not tuned in to your child, and that you’re not close. My mother claims she doesn’t know but: I’ve begged for her to treat me kindly my whole life, she never lets me finish a sentence, she “corrects” me constantly - of course she doesn’t know!! Ironic.
@thelazynortherngardener7607Ай бұрын
@dianagarrison3138 I hope you have told her exactly that and tried to reconcile ❤️
@jacquelinecorey37894 ай бұрын
This video is so on point. Thank you for posting this! 🙏
@DrMaikaSteinborn4 ай бұрын
☺️🙏🏻☀️
@dimitrii_p3 ай бұрын
thank you very much Dr Steinborn, this video helped me understand why I cut the ties with my parents and put my mind at rest.
@diannafishman2429Ай бұрын
Interesting …. Your video didn’t consider the other reasons ; a adult child struggling with addiction and mental illness ! If I had a choice I won’t have become a parent very painful
@bafelix89Ай бұрын
This is the parental version of guys that think women owe them sex because theyre "nice guys with a job"
@Art_lover_4f4Ай бұрын
What?
@bafelix893 күн бұрын
@Art_lover_4f4 there are low life types who think women owe men a relationship because they're friendly and employed. Parents saying their adult children owe them a relationship because they're their parents is the same thing
@theraptureisnearbelieveinj4482 күн бұрын
No, kids today are cutting off their parents on a whim, and are enjoying their evil ways. May God open their spiritual eyes and ears before it’s too late. Acts 2:38 ✝️
@goodoakpressКүн бұрын
So you're saying it's okay for parents to ABUSE children. By abuse, I mean constantly screaming at them, constantly criticizing them, constantly putting them down, beating them to the point they are left bruised or bleeding, backhanding them across the face, and so forth. Wow. In other words, you're saying The Bible is PRO child abuse. Gotcha. So tell me, Mr. Righteous, did you spend you're childhood walking on eggs, like I did? Did you have a mother who NEVER saw you as a human being, but as a SLAVE, whose sole purpose for being was to serve HER, like I did? Did you have a mother who, no matter what you do or how hard you try was NEVER happy, because it was NEVER enough? Were you ever diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, like I was? Do you have to struggle living with PTSD every day for the rest of your life, like I do? Oh wait, ACCORDING TO YOU, I DESERVED THE ABUSE!! ACCORDING TO YOU, I DESERVED THE BEATINGS!! ACCORDING TO YOU, I DESERVED THE CONSTANT CRITICISM AND THE CONSTANT PUT DOWNS. ACCORDING TO YOU, I DESERVED TO GET PTSD. Right?
@sandygar1002 сағат бұрын
Maybe the child is a narcissist and everything has to be their way even if the parents bend over backwards to Maintain a very difficult relationship with them. As long as they can use you, for instance babysitting, they are very happy with you. They can be disrespectful but you are not tolerated if you say anything they don't like. Please understand that this personality also exists and parents should not keep blaming themselves for no good reason.
@bishdizzle672 ай бұрын
Cutting ties with parents shows a lack of long term vision and love. I'm not talking about real abuse here. I know parents who are not abusive or overbearing and love their kids. In fact, these parents honestly are shook. I believe there are a lot of terrible trends out there.
@bafelix89Ай бұрын
Treating children like they owe you eternal allegiance for you doing the bare minimum shows a lack of love and consideration for other human beings
@MsMollah3 сағат бұрын
@@bafelix89 It's a wonder that most parents don't kick their children out on their 18th birthday and ghost them because of all the anxiety they caused.
@bafelix893 сағат бұрын
@@MsMollah oh poor you. You had to raise a child you chose to have.
@MsMollah3 сағат бұрын
@@bafelix89 Some people choose to get married or choose to have children, it can still be traumatic.
@bafelix892 сағат бұрын
@MsMollah yes we're all very sorry you forced to do the bare legal requirement to the children you brought into this world
@merlinsreturn27 күн бұрын
You completely missed the fact that many children cut off contact with one parent because of how they abused the other parent.
@DrMaikaSteinborn26 күн бұрын
True!
@morrisdennisАй бұрын
Im estranged from my entire family both sides, no regrets...
@aclark44624 күн бұрын
This is not what studies say. You literally made stuff up to appeal to your audience. You told them what they want to hear (lies) instead of actual facts. Which will just perpetuate this "epidemic".
@DrMaikaSteinborn24 күн бұрын
Which studies are you referring to? (I’m genuinely interested.)
@ipekseda30878 күн бұрын
Lovely. Very helpful.
@Flyfreenow20 күн бұрын
Children that don’t communicate with their parents and ask for counselling is an excuse
@sallydeppe85753 күн бұрын
None of the things you mention are my 2 adult sons' problems. My youngest, I believe has a mental disorder cus he says things happened that did NOT. And his brother says they never happened. I've apologized 100 times to both, and when I ask what I have done, so I can be specific when I say I'm sorry, they can't point and more importantly, so I can STOP doing it. They learned to disrespect me from their biological father. Younger son, for years, would arbitrarily forbid me from seeing my grandson, just saying his actually medically diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic wife, just plain didn't want me to. Last time we spoke, he yelled at me "Fvck you Mom" nearly a dozen times in front of HIS son and it was just because I asked a simple question. He has an anger issue too. The older son has forbid me from seeing his children, cus his wife doesn't want me in their life - jealousy. It's so completely hateful from my children. I have given up. It's time these two adults start forgiving me, their Mom, dfor what ever it is they imagine I've done so terribly wrong to them. And there is nothing.
@brendademuth621316 күн бұрын
What do you do when your adult child has no grasp on reality because they are using psychedelic mushrooms (in quantities enough that would "kill them if it was another drug," that according to my son) and believe events that never actually happened in their childhood happened? What if they angrily blame you for things that never happened at all, or that never happened the way the drug is telling them to remember them? How do you have a rational conversation with an irrational person who sees nothing dangerous in their use of this drug?
@sallydeppe85753 күн бұрын
Wow. That's exactly what my youngest son is like, except for the drugs. He imagines all kinds of things happened that did NOT. I've sent mine birthday gifts, every few months I text, simply, "thinking about you today. Love Mom." Never a response. I've given up. The blame goes to social media that supports bad behaviour and lies, lies, lies about everything.
@sarahcourtney8066Ай бұрын
It sounds like the parents are being blamed for everything in this video. It is quite one sided. There are many more reasons than the ones stated why children stop having a relationship with their parent/s. Sometimes the adult child IS at fault. Sometimes personalities clash and people just can’t get along. Or there are mental health issues on either side. I would say, if you have done everything you can to reconcile with your child to no avail, please try not to feel guilty, forgive yourself for the past and try to move on with your life. Because we only have one life.
@Jummah247Ай бұрын
I agree. Parents are not always as bad as modern phsychologist want to say
@hollycorey7823Ай бұрын
Exactly
@dognextdoorАй бұрын
If your child has gone no contact it’s because you have abused them or you have enabled abuse, full stop.
@hollycorey7823Ай бұрын
No, it's self entitlement.
@amandawhittemore507818 күн бұрын
If the adult child at fault and chooses to leave. How does that make sense. If the child was the problem then why complain that they left.
@scubed8671Ай бұрын
Wow! These reasons are SO UNREASONABLE for a Mexican mother! Everything is about “me”. No respect for parents/elders. No wonder there are so many nursing homes! Why would a child want to take care of parents if THEY WERE TAUGHT TO CUT OFF PARENTS? This culture is SO non-family oriented. Very sad.
@gilliankilby-gjini2676Ай бұрын
So glad you said this. Some adult offspring are bullies and it is not the fault of the parents actually. There are lots of different reasons- some genuine some not. Very sad indeed x
@user-lr2qg9th3rАй бұрын
Agreed 💯
@Art_lover_4f4Ай бұрын
Before the internet and smartphones, this never happened . I live in the Midwest, and my children live in California. It's also got worse after my oldest son died. Their father remarried, and the respect we had for each other before doesn't exist anymore. I never talked bad about him to my children. They rarely send pictures of my grandchildren, unless I ask... 😢 I pray everything gets better for you. 🙏
@sallydeppe85753 күн бұрын
@@Art_lover_4f4 I agree. Past decades, this not talking to parents, never happened. These grown adult kids think they are entitled to everything. My kids were absolutely loved and taught human decency - both of which they lack to me, their mom, but also to others. They have NO friends.
@bafelix893 күн бұрын
@@Art_lover_4f4 it absolutely happened before the internet. Be real
@user-kp8gn9jk2qАй бұрын
#3 i guess. I cant get a answer. Its odd that right after she started therapy she cut me off.
@bafelix89Ай бұрын
Bullshit. She gave you a reason and you brushed it off saying "you didn't have it bad" or "I'm sorry I wasn't perfect"
@sallydeppe85753 күн бұрын
@@bafelix89 sometimes - they don't know the reason. It's just easier to not talk about anything and leave people behind. Karma. Mark my words, what goes around, comes around. THEIR CHILDREN WILL DO THE EXACT SAME THING TO THEM.
@bafelix893 күн бұрын
@@sallydeppe8575 nice story you made up to make yourself feel better
@bafelix893 күн бұрын
@sallydeppe8575 sounds like something someone who can't take responsibility would say
@summersled56354 ай бұрын
Sometimes adult children break contact because of the shame and guilt they carry for things they have done, not for what the parent has done.
@Ddddddddd8854 ай бұрын
Incorrect
@Melancholygreen4 ай бұрын
If you as the child feel shame to the point you have to disappear, think about why. Children should feel safe with their parents and be able to come to them with their shame ,lay it bare and get support. That’s a parents job. But what if your parent turns your vulnerable moments into jokes, tells your ‘stories’ to others for attention or entertainment value? What if instead of being heard and understood, then guided and supported through difficulty you were left feeling even more alone and raw? Then yes, absolutely stop taking your vulnerable self to people who treat you roughly. And if you have kids of your own you probably want to shield them from feeling the way you always did, so that’s even more reason. Shame should never keep kids away from healthy good parents. Too bad so many adult kids can not trust their parents anymore and have to hide parts, if not all of their lives from them.
@SuperApostle13 ай бұрын
For example?
@tmking74833 ай бұрын
Lol lol
@Ilovepalmtrees-cx5ms3 ай бұрын
You are WRONG!
@morrisdennisАй бұрын
Dont let the door hit em in the ass...
@robertbenedek446317 күн бұрын
It is a complex issue. In my case (all of my 4 children alienated from me within a period of a year) I got the very uncanny impression that their therapists had a fatal catalizing effect in the alienation process. Symply by not understanding the pathological family dynamics at hand. Reinforcing the children in their false beliefs by empathizing with them helping them express false beliefs. I was totally unaware of it at the beginning but in hindside it seems to me obvious that the terapists (relative) incompetnece/insufficient training added to the dynamics and reinforced it. Therapists should be extremely cautious with advices like no contact. No contact became a kind of visceral coping strategy and is a very integral part of our cancel culture. If applied well and in the right mindset, it CAN be a helpful tool. In my case: it led to a desaster. I have of course only indirect clues of it but I'm pretty sure that it was the case. Meanwhile several alienation experts (C.Childress, J. Harman) claim that traditional child/youth therapy can have catastrophic effects in certain family environments. Justified estrangement and pathological alienation is very different. The result in both cases is no contact but out of very different reasons. In my case there is an intergenerational trauma transference handed down to every successive generation. Loving relationships and strong bonds are completely destroyed.
@sallydeppe85753 күн бұрын
I like what you said: "No contact is their coping mechanism." But it doesn't solve THEIR mental problems. A therapist or 2 have said that if a person doesn't get help with their thoughts, problems, issues, whatever you want to call them, by the time they are 50 years old, THEY WILL COME OUT IN SOME BAD DIMENSION. It must be addressed - that is the reason people do drugs, alcohol, rage, and suicide. Two people in my family that needed counseling the most, screamed that their was nothing wrong with them! OMG.
@morrisdennis15 күн бұрын
I'm estranged from my mom because shes a horrendous person...
@sallydeppe85753 күн бұрын
Did she cut you off in your teen years cus "you were a horrendous teen"? Grow up and stop blaming ONLY YOUR MOM! Pretty sure you have something to do with the mess. Why? Cus you're human and relationships take TWO and lots of work. Get counseling and get your own head om straight.
@LoveAlways33322 күн бұрын
Children grow up and become estranged from parents they deem toxic. Period.
@Joeeeeeeey62815 күн бұрын
I bet vast majority of those who cut off parents are under 30 (not fully mature yet). In my experience younger generations are not good at real communicating (texting is there preferred way to converse) and view “ghosting” as an appropriate and normal practice.
@hollycorey7823Ай бұрын
This is a video to help adult children continue to act like they only matter.
@Jummah247Ай бұрын
Therapist has destroyed my relationship with my son Therapist has no right to do this. He may call himself a professional however they have a legal duty same as doctors do not to destroy and not make a fatal mistake I have never been what therapist told my son I am. It is disgraceful to do what has been done. Just because therapist graduated from a certain university with a degree the therapist has no right to destroy people’s lives You can’t diagnose without meeting a person. What therapy did and said is completely the opposite It’s disgraceful and it therapist should take a legal responsibility for it
@sallydeppe85753 күн бұрын
Do what I did. Write and email to that therapist about your side of the story. That is actually an act of love for your son cus there are 3 sides to every story: Yours, mine, and the correct side.
@candaceorr7517Ай бұрын
A few have good reason, and the rest just cut off their family to silence them so the adult child can have the podium. Why else would they continue to run around talking terrible about their parents and trying to get other relatives on their side. Why don't they get on with their lives? But they actually put themselves in a position of having an unresolved serious problem that leaves them stuck with it. That's why estranged children continue to badmouth their parents. Now adult children get recruited to estrange their parents on Reddit and other sites like it is some kind of cult following. Think about why they all sound the same. "We won't put up with TOXIC behavior!" Really? Everyone is toxic at times, including the adult child. There is more to this epidemic than meets the eye, but there is also another epidemic started. It's called We No Longer Care started by estranged parents. They are no longer willing to invest anymore time, emotional pain, or money to their holier than thou adult child. They are not interested in reconciliation because they know a person who is willing to make up magnificent lies about their parents or are so controlled by a spouse to the point of cutting off their entire family, including innocent bystanders like siblings, will only be more trouble in the future. There is a character flaw and a moral void in that son or daughter. Could be drugs, could be cultural indoctrination, could be their controlling spouse, but whatever that adult child's problem is, parents refuse to let hurt them anymore.
@morrisdennisАй бұрын
Phone works both ways...
@lorihoop3831Ай бұрын
Oh yes it does. I'm done calling, I think they get off on not answering the phone. I saw it happen before when they cut my aunt off when her father was dying. Wouldn't let her see or speak to him for 40 days. It's a sick dynamic, and I'm in therapy to get better. Nobody is willing to work on themselves, it is what it is. Can't even express if something hurts your feelings, you get shot and shut right down. Emotional cripples.
@morrisdennis15 күн бұрын
I get tired playing catch with mannequins...
@user-lr2qg9th3rАй бұрын
It’s called entitlement selfishness,
@sallydeppe85753 күн бұрын
Didn't I just say that 5 mins. ago? Are you and I sharing the same brain? hehehehehe. Selfishness is the root of all relationship breakdowns. It leads to, "I deserve", ..........fill in the blank.