That's cool man, sometime the solution can be achieve in different perspective to how we look things. Hope things work out great for you!

I interpreted that differently. I had a similar situation: did not talk about feelings or things bothering me. The reason that happened was because I did not want to talk about it. At one point I said I was tired of helping people and got laughed at. Male therapist by the way. I'm not obligated to save people and when I said that I was told 'no' in the sense that I was wrong. I felt better not going. Women would rather a man die than fall of his white horse. Other men have been conditioned to preach fem*nist gospel like it is true (it is a man's job to save women). What men need is something we are being denied for a reason: teamwork. Years ago men could play sports can go do things with other men. Now we are told that is toxic and women NEED to be allowed. We need men's spaces. You got that in a small amount. Bright side is that there is a lot of support online and it is unstoppable.

I had a huge block due to anxiety on my final report to get my engineering degree. It lasted for like a year. I went to a therapist, after a few sessions, her conclusion was "First of all you need to complete your report", with a side of "maybe you just don't like your field". My school staff on the other hand, were extremely humane and accomodating, I went back to the campus for a month, and I had a counselor, she gave me very good practical advice on how to get writing, from someone who actually went through shit and really understood what was blocking me, I actually spent most of the time I had with her chatting about things and having fun instead of working on my report, but it lifted my spirits a lot, enough to actually get productive on my report when I was alone :) I graduated since and I love my job and it's going great :)

I have had therapist go the science route with things like EMDR. I have had basically a task master to try and help organize my life, and a therapist that just tries to be a friend. By far the most useful has been a friend.

I can understand a) the process, b) the outcome and c)the "domestication" of cats becoming a heated topic.

Yeah. It's unfortunately (apparently) not the norm. But I try to complement my mates, or generally tell them stuff I find important, and they do the same. It's a bit stiff sometimes, none of us are really that _good_ at it (even if we've gotten better with time). But we do all really appreciate it, and it's only been a positive. We don't _have_ to do what society tells us to do. We can learn to know our emotions better, we can learn to talk to people sincerely. Basically we can learn to be wiser people.

Whenever I get compliments I just end up minimizing it or explaining why what I did is not actually impressive or difficult.

Next time try going "Really dude? Thanks a lot, I really worked hard to do X." You'll make the other person feel a lot better too :) @@WASDLeftClick

​@@sirreginaldfishingtonxvii6149and that's also great, you worked it up to it

yeah i have been talked to like that, and i did talked to my friends like that, and yes, i was stuned, and they were stuned, but it felt good.

That's horrible, man :( Any feeling you have should be validated. Hope you find people to listen to you, mate!

​@@stephenkoranteng6260Any feelings should be validated? Like all of them?

@@paulhopkins1905 Well, not the ones that can do people harm or if it's nonsensical. Yeah, I guess I was being a bit vague with my last comment. My bad 🤷🏽‍♂️ 😆

I feel this deeply. There are only two women in this world that validate my feelings. One is my wife fortunately. My own mother is not one of them. I get the invalidation from my mother and sister. I need to work harder and buck up if I express the challenges I go through.

This. I have been told this all growing up. now don't get me wrong, I have surrounded myself with better people and friends that do not do this. but that still doesn't mean I have the memory of growing up being told "it doesn't matter".

Thats so wholesome dude. I hope you are feeling better now

the first therapist was a male or female? you didn't say it

Yeah they got different rules for us

Stereotypes are very harmful

I’m really happy for you but dang isn’t that an expensive way to go? They should really have some kind of clubs for just this type of issue. We could call them “Conversation Clubs” or “Chat Clubs” though the second one sounds kinda girly huh. Lol.

Hoooooly shit dude, yikes

>"just get married. You can always get divorced." ...and get fucked in the process of divorce, last time I heard.

@@user-gc9ef2np1e marrying just because you can divorce is like one of the worst reason to a marriage I've heard given to someone ahahaha

@@user-gc9ef2np1e oh thats more true now than ever. Marriage is a HUGE risk for men, and not really a risk for women. When a contract (which a Marriage is) *rewards* one party for breaking that contract, then its a terrible contract. There are so very FEW reasons why a man should ever get married, and Love is NOT at all one of them. Love and Marriage have absolutely NOTHING to do with each other. Anyone who believes otherwise is delusional and has been conditioned to believe that.

“And get half your stuff stolen and half your wages garnished as an outcome of the divorce.”

it took 3 months and your direct contacting the therapist for her to realize she is doing something wrong... sheesh i hope she gave you back your money for the lost guarter of a year. Glad you are doing okay now.

how do you identify that she is a covert narcissist? Sometimes I’m confused, that people just have misunderstandings and need to gain clarity. But other times, covert narcissists are so obvious because they are so full of blame and all they can say is how terrible of a human we are and how everything we do is wrong. Everything they say or do is to cause harm and to weirdly control the power dynamic so they gain some weird authority over us. The latter is really obvious, but sometimes they can hide it well when you don’t know them well yet.

King!

@@histkontext If narcissist werent so good at manipulating and getting people on their side they wouldnt be running companies and among the most succesfull billionaires in the world.

@@histkontext I disagree. It takes time and several sessions for therapists to consider and settle on a diagnosis, and this is often far more difficult in a couples therapy setting. The fact that this therapist was able to take in what her patient was seeing and saying, make changes to accommodate him, and finally directly advise her male patient about the wife's personality disorder and how it could be unsafe for her male patient speaks volumes about the therapist's high competence. And she continues to work with the ex-husband. All in all, I'd say he is definitely getting his proverbial "money's worth."

I find guys have to have a positive ability next to the negative ability. Case in point, guys will talk about their feelings if doing something constructive at the same time. Like look I can do x but y I need help. Guys will also "test" relationships with negative statements. Friends will call each other names and joke about it. Fake friends get upset and leave or blowup.

Good on your mom for having integrity in this situation and recognizing where she needed to become a better person.

If he had said he hit her in a session, the police probably would have immediately been called, but I guess it's fine the other way around.🤦‍♀️ In this scenario I don't think anyone should have called the police since the aggressive party is the one trying to fix themselves, it just seems likely that if a man admitted to it, regardless of the circumstances, the police would have been called. Good on your mother for realizing she was having issues herself and trying to get help. That's hard to do. Also good on her for telling the bad therapist off. Sexism sucks no matter where it comes from, and all too often sexism against men gets ignored.

sometimes all you need is someone commending your bad behaviour for you to realize how wrong it is. you get used to all the "why didn't you do this?" and "you shoudn't do that." to the point where it all sounds like the same crap- meaningless negative garbage. but when you hear someone else justifying those kinds of actions, your brain's confirmation bias kicks in and makes you listen... and you realize what and arse you've been.

It sounds like your mom was genuinely trying to get better-I’m glad she was able to recognize the shitty behavior of the therapist

Good for you, man. The ability to be accountable to one's actions is a non-negotiable trait to look for in a partner. Wish you the best

Are you me?😂 my ex-wife felt attacked by therapists who wouldn’t just blame everything on me.

Trying to get a woman to take responsibility is a Sisyphus level task.

@@aerofight5994 I've noticed the same thing. I can tell a guy friend that I think he was in the wrong in a situation and generally it's accepted as the PoV of a friend trying to help. Do the same with a woman friend and it's far more likely that they'll react badly because nothing in that situation was their fault (according to them). These are general rules and there are exceptions, but these behaviours seem pretty typical.

lol, pretty much the same response I’ve seen over and over. No woman is ever wrong, ever. Even when called out by professionals.

Yeah PTSD can be a rather controversial topic. Because we first discovered it in WW1 veterans, many people think it's an insult to veterans when people say that they got it from something seemingly harmless in comparison. But, your brain doesn't know that being at war is worse than getting bullied on Twitter, and it's all about how your brain perceives things.

I think some times you need to shop around for the best therapist. When you are uncertain about life choices, or have been abused, or may be going through a divorce, or have self esteem issues, these are not small things. They are important, and should be treated with respect. Finding somebody compatible might take time. One time a therapist tried to shame me and scold me. I fired them on the spot and let their boss know why. Turns out they were fresh out of college. I would rather have someone with proven experience.

Duuuude, that attitude of questioning everything you say. Like hi, my dysfunctional upbringing had me trying to find and express a justification for everything I did and every emotion I had like I was a criminal on the stand. Wtaf do therapists think they’re accomplishing by acting like dysfunctional toxic parents?

Hearing people tell their stories who have gone through a similar situation to myself and gotten out of it successfully really helps, the relation of their experiences makes me feel very hopeful as I know it’s possible because they’ve done it.

I have experience with the 2nd kind. I didn't like him, but he was somewhat helpful. As someone who always 2nd guesses myself, atleast some other dude was doing it for me😂

You did the right choice, even smarter would be to toss these stupid sessions if they are not helping you out.

I think it was because he was close to retirement that let him speak his mind and just gave you all the answers you needed. Because if he was younger and not close to retirement, I bet he would try to keep you around as long as possible and not be much help either. Obviously I could be wrong, but that's the way I see it.

@@professional.commentator He also had many years of experience under his belt

Many women experience the same problems in therapy - a lot of the time, they have had difficulty with feminine social expectations, so when a female therapist tries to “help” her to adjust, the client merely becomes even more trapped by the societal expectations that caused her to seek therapy in the first place… I agree that female therapists often struggle to understand what their male clients need, but I would argue that this is true of many of their female clients too. Meanwhile, male therapists are sometimes good with male clients but, due to their own expectations, fail to recognise those women who require the same treatment, instead adjusting their methods “for women” which may not actually suit her… People are diverse and “feminine” therapy is not universally good for all women.

That's why people should switch therapists if it's not working.

@@professional.commentator Nah - as you get older your social filters erode and become very thin (and sometimes disappear entirely) and you tend to distill things down to their essence.

man that's kinda harsh, as a female btw. I felt like why are those who are willingly to open up would be discouraged once trying to do it, especially males like I'm very close to guy friends and i noticed that they barely open up with anyone. I wanted to say that you shouldn't bottle up your emotions but i understand that it is almost friggen impossible cus who to open up to? how to open up when nobody is going initiate support, well I believe they try to, but instead of listening they give advice when they hadn't been in the shoes before (maybe they did but forgot how it felt), and the advice ended up exacerbating the situation. To not get labeled a societal role is almost inevitable, and I think it's unfair if guys had to be strong for a woman, if that's what she's trying to deliver. Bro I hope everything went on better for you sooner or later.

Only fellow dudes care.

@@MeanBeanComedy even thats a stretch, most of the time its made into a joke and laughed off, many say they care but everyone has their own thing and noone wants to be a burden/have more things to worry about.

@@bradturner7678 Its difficult because almost all men are traumatized by this, and those struggling to repress it have their stability compromised by people trying to express it.

I care man, a lot of people care it’s just hard to find them unfortunately but they are out their. I hope life gets better for you brother we’re all humans and we shouldn’t feel guilt for having very natural emotions.

Thank you for this anecdote! It's the same for me

How did it went?

Watching videos made by therapists help with articulating how you feel, Patrick Teahan is one of my favs.

Couples therapy is a joke. It’s always the man’s fault no matter what

@@zachcoggins9018 The reason why it looks like that is, that women are far more "trained" in communicating their emotions and feelings, while men struggle with it. A man is kinda unarmed when they go to couple's therapy.

Who really cares if a male over 25 is feeling depressed? Like genuinely no one fucking cares once you get past that point in life

@@geofox9484 25? try 12.

Pretty sure your partner/family/loved ones do care and in the end of the day that’s all that matters

careful, the edge is coming out@@geofox9484

​@@geofox9484the older you get the less society as a whole cares if you're alive or dead

Let them alone; they are blind guides. And if the blind lead the blind, both will fall into a pit - mat 15:14

Truth. If you are at the couples therapy stage, save your money for a better divorce attorney. I know 3 couples that tried it, and they all divorced.

I can't imagine couples therapy working if you're in the room at the same time or the therapist sharing how the other feels. Seems like it would just give her more ammo.

Never works out. Its a grift. Hell the couples therapist admit that they're running a grift

I heard it often becames 2v1 againts man. I know a guy that used to go with his exwife.

That's actually a good way of putting it

That's awesome, but I think this kind of friendship can be rare outside of churches, support groups, and groups of gay men🙄 at least that's my experience🤷‍♂️

@@crweirdo8961 weird

@@PivotGrowth is it really that wierd? I've got several good friends that were suicidal in the past that, luckily, survived their attempts. I've lost one of my cousins and close family friend to suicide. It's not wierd. In my experience, it's direly needed for men to have someone they can reliably talk to about important or embarrassing matters that won't turn their preceived weaknesses into weapons to be used againat them.

Good man. I do something similar, I'm always there for anyone. I make a cup of tea and just listen and talk with them. When I need help that's where I struggle. I mask it and just retreat into the mountains either on a hike or work out (I took up fencing recently so I practice my sword drills for hours on end)

That’s fucked up man, I hope your doing alright now

Nah fam it aint understandable. If they got a trauma by being sa'd by a black dude would they say are black people allowed here? No trauma is excuse for sexism in any way.

I'm sorry that SA happened that is always terrible. and the biased treatment was so unfair when you were being so brave happened to you. None of that was ok A woman from Aotearoa New Zealand

@@KakhsXe thanks doing a lot better I focused on building a good body to make up for high nervousness around women so rn I have been waiting and letting them flirt with me and I got asked out at work last week so hopefully I'll have a date and see if she is a good partner or not the best match and if it ends up getting canceled all good

@@wordzmyth Thank you! New Zealand is dope kiwis are the best fruit

it's ok if ALL needs and issues were dismissed because it's too diverse to fix in counselling. Tedious communication methods are often constructive habits for argumentative couples after 2+ weeks of practice. Some downsides are; being unable to pick up the habit when too emotional; separating emotion amidst discussion can lead to lack of empathy with your kids, and it looks weird to guests.

I have personally hated shrinks my entire life for the reasons that this dude is saying. The way us dudes deal with things is infinitely different than to how a woman does things. It reminds me of how my grandad always said, "ill never understand that woman" when talking in reference to my grandma. You pay $40 an hour to have some old prick attack you from a blind spot, that is therapy 101.

@@tangaleddrag0n853 us dudes? dealing with stuff varies according to the spectrum of personality alongside heaps of other common practical considerations. hormonal stuff seems to have less and less influence, the older someone is. I find about 1/3 of my male AND female friends have analytical-problem-solver personalities as if they have Asperger's.

I went to a therapist for a year and some more and I she somehow unlocked some terrible repressed memories that may or may not explain some of my problems. I always joke with my wife and also with my sister that the therapist not only didn't help me with a lot of my problems at the time, but also screwed me over with some movie-tier repressed memories bullshit. Keep your chin up, my dude. We will all get there someday. And don't bundle all therapists together. There must be some that can help you!

Bruh. That guy better get fired

JESUS

therapists in usa🤡anyone can literally be anything you just need a piece of paper

one of the therapists i had was a whole b!4tch, screaming and VERY CLEARLY trying to manipulate me😂i mean i have a weak mind in a sense but im not a ₽€ÑĐ£JØ like that…it was one of those where you go with your parents and almost every time we ended up in an argument, she and this “doctor💀” wanted to diagnose me with bipolar disorder because i said pills made me feel nauseous and i didn’t want to take any more, and maybe i am bipolar idfk i never got diagnosed like that but if i am it’s definitely not because of pills💀and when she said that i laughed and looked towards my parents, i kid you not they were like “he’s seeing things, he’s delusional too” or idk some diagnosis that made me sound schizophrenic. that’s when i knew i 2000% couldnt take them seriously at all🤣i dont believe in wtv their qualifications may have been, i should repay them a visit and break a window or something for playing with people’s emotions like that

Yeah, men really shouldn't see female therapists. At least here in the US they don't really empathize with us anymore.

Earlier in life, it'd often take me weeks to months to feel comfortable talking about my abuse with a therapist. The problem was, I was a big strong guy (even as a teenager), and my abuser was a woman. She'd use weapons (got stabbed, burnt, beaten) and sometimes she would self-harm then call the cops if the physical abuse wasn't getting the impact she wanted (I learned to take a beating). It was pretty bad. What stopped the worst of the abuse is I made it clear- if I was accused of a crime, I would do it before the cops showed up. Thankfully I never really had to do more than threaten- but made it clear (in therapy) I would fight my abuser if it was pushed to that. Out of the many therapists I've had over 20 years... I'd say about 80% of the women would after knowing me for months, diving into all these problems, all these issues- when this finally came up, they'd just have this look. They'd stare. Like they were looking at a piece of garbage. Like you would regard a child molester. Once I got that look, I'd just stop scheduling and give up on therapy for a year or two. I eventually just gave up on female therapists entirely which makes it near impossible here to find one. It's not just a 'bias', there's tons of genuine misandrists who are hijacking psychology. In no world would a woman be treated in a similar way to a male victim.

@@Rainsoakedcoat “tons of misandrists hijacking psychology” not only that, but then to have the audacity to complain that men don’t go to therapy enough. Like you made it not a safe space for men, it’s there for women to complain about men…

@@Rainsoakedcoat "there's tons of genuine misandrists who are hijacking psychology." 💯 precisely

@@Rainsoakedcoat I hope you're doing better. I've read countless men's testimonies like yours over the years, mainly on YT comment sections. I know exactly what you mean (not from personal experience). Still, everyone enthusiastically tries to pretend this isn't happening, or find excuses for the female perpetrator, or blame the male victim.

Exactly.

I was a preteen, like 11. I was told I was lazy and wasting the guys time because I wouldn't open up about my severe bullying. Never again.

On and off over the past decade and literally none of it actually helped address the root issues I already knew were the issues and straight asked for help with. 🤦‍♂️ I know I'm being medicated bc therapy is failing me, but it works better than the failure -.-;

This. I remember having my therapist tell me 'You dont really seem depressed, here just say these affirmations in the mirror each day' In response to me trying to explain how much I wanted to die, but hadnt offed myself because I have people that depend on me. Yeah, telling yourself 'You matter' doesnt really cut it

you said it all.

Oof. I can only imagine how shitty it must feel. But try not to give up on therapy, my friend, it can really improve your quality of life.

LOL. She was empathizing with you not the other way around. She's saying your family is fucked up. It wasn't meant to be mean.

@@zr1129 ​​⁠I understand that, but I can’t change other people. Figured she would want to work on coping skills or something at least, instead of basically saying “that sucks, are we done yet?”

@@zr1129 It was done in a very twisted method

@@zr1129 please remember that therapists are supposed to be the ones who are trained to use their words and tones better, not the ones seeking help. Putting the onus on the one seeking help is never really the right thing that early unless it's part of a plan you have discussed with them.

It's like the socials memes "Men will literally do X rather than go to therapy." Naw sisters, Doing X IS our therapy.

Thats the problem bro, as a men u dont need to beat out the shit of you every single day to feel good brother, i am not saying that u need to be a lazy mf that does nothing but this is how society teaches us how to be a man, there is the "alpha male grind mindset" is not bad, but people over masculinzate like u need to be grinding every single fucking day to feel realizated as a man, thats where u need to be kind with yourself brother, you are a human being more over than a man brother, a human being that deserves to feel happy with yourself doing whatever you like and deserving of love, so take care brother dont be that hard with yourself your are human like everyone on this beautiful world ❤.

@emiliotello3455 much respect, my man. But I just don't see it that way. I'm not suffering. I'm actually really enjoying my life. Work, effort, progress, etc. are things I look forward to. They give my life meaning. I'm not grinding endlessly. I know how to take a break. I just don't want to most of the time. I'm always busy doing something, and that makes me happy. But sometimes, sitting down at the river watching the ducks swimming around is immensely calming and reinvigorating. But waking up in the morning with a load of things on my to-do list? Yes, please. Because when I'm done, I'll have made progress, and I'll feel like I earned my evenings rest. And I like to have fun as well so my evenings are filled with music, people, food, sunsets, reading, spending time with family etc. I take care of myself. Part of that is fulfilling my dreams and passions, and that requires a lot of work to be done. The day I have nothing to do, just take me out back and shoot me between the eyes.

@@Krazymarmo if that makes u happy thats enough, but keep an eye that sometimes when people need to always be doing things is cuz they are missing something inside theirselfs so you over charge ur mind with this things in order to avoid thinking about out inner self brother, i am not saying thats ur case but u should see this video might help u: Dr k "There is a crisis going out with man"

Wow... Well, a few years ago and until less than a year ago, I was dealing with depression and other self-esteem issues, and being completely alone and when I was left without any kind of support, that's when it seems that it clicked and I started to get up... That is, it took me a few months, but here I am, physically nothing changed and my life context remains the same, nothing has changed, but I fixed my mentality. They recommended I go to therapy, but I think I would be a victim, I don't have the money, time or desire to go, and there is no guarantee that it will even help anything. But instead, it seems I just got tired of wallowing in my misery and started changing my way of thinking... in my own way. But I think that you do have to be kind to yourself, this does not mean that you do not demand yourself, this means that you should not be cruel to yourself, Do not victimize yourself or try to destroy yourself, you must forgive yourself, be patient and move on. And I understand that perhaps mine might look small compared to your case, but it reminded me of my own experience, and I think it is quite healthy to find your own way out of depression on your own and without help, The problem is that I don't know how I can apply that experience to other people and I honestly don't know how I could help them. But reading about how you have found the light at the end of the tunnel and fulfilled yourself as a human being is inspiring.

How’s it been going since?

In my case I don't even want to articulate it. It feels like I am complaining and I pretty much know no one will care to offer me a solution. I don't want to be heard, I want solutions.

​@@Leonhart_93Are we clones because it is exactly the way I feel. I guess you had mental issues and you parents wouldn't believe you so at some point you started wondering if you are not just acting your mental issues to be lazy or something. And now everytime you share it to someone when you look at their facial expressions you feel like they are thinking "ROH he's complaining again". And maybe some ppl you trusted and believed you could talk to were very unsupportive giving you the "you think you're the only one who has issues" card. Did I get it right? 😒

I was told that my crying was because I ate soy… and not because my mom was yelling at me. We still ate soy though.

I was always told whenever something went wrong "you'll live", was expected to keep my mouth shut at all times, and looking hurt or sad will make my father very angry.

I was told also that when I was a little girl, but I believe the thing that help was that I find a way to express those feelings with my friends (mostly females). It's still hard sometimes, and when I want to cry my first reaction is still to suppress that emotion but I'm glad that I found people that help me to cope with it. I hope you find people around you that understands that crying is a natural thing and sometimes even beautifull❤

This is why reporting is ALWAYS a good idea if you can manage it mentally. Because even if your report doesn't cause them to get removed, it gets added on a pile, and eventually, that pile gets big enough.

Sorry that happened to you. I haven't had negative experiences with therapists, but I can attest to the benefit of spending time outdoors. I ended up going into a line of work that spends a lot of time in nature and my mental health has never been better.

😂😂😂😂 Love what you did there

Jeeeez, that’s insanely damaging when therapists are abusive. You trusted them to have your back and show you compassion and care in your most vulnerable moments. Talk about an expeditious way to break someone’s trust. I hope that respectful and compassionate people come into your life, you deserve to be cherished!

You’re not alone. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks for sharing and thank you for your service! After reading these comments, and hearing from this therapist himself, it makes me sad how people have such poor experiences with therapy. I had a very similar experience to you, and am sitting here thinking how I would love to be a therapist just to give back what I had gotten out of it. Unfortunately, 2 years of student loans for an LSW does not sound appealing.

@@leprechaun3677 just to clarify, I did not serve in the armed forces. My career as a therapist is my way of giving back and I love that you feel that calling to. You don’t have to be a licensed therapist to do what I do. Some of the best therapists I know are bar tenders and Uber drivers. Thanks for the comment!

I have a friend that actually had a judge appointed therapist for a bit, and little walks and drives and meals together was actually all they did. No office or couch sit downs or anything. Turns out it was all therapy and psychoanalysis for the courts The dude was basically cleared of everything because he wasn’t abusive, it was entirely a PTSD reaction that was actually withdrawal and not lashing out physically or even verbally to any and all triggering stimuli. His girlfriend at the time was just clumsy but wanted the attention She unfortunately wasn’t charged but he thankfully was cleared of everything and even got a therapist that specialized in PTSD in that walk and talk formula to boot and is doing much better mentally and physically

I agree that sitting in the office is super wierd and stressful adding unnecessary tension.

Good comment. I remember when I had a tough few weeks in high school, and a walk with a MALE advisor talking was all I needed. Also, giving me a sharp word to get off my *ss and get to work, or stop complaining and start solving, and the big one...listen more.

Info dump for you: If it's a person who assumes things about other people in a quick, condescending fashion, they are pretentious. If they assume that others are up to no good and assume the worst motives in others, they are conceited. If they just tend to assume things in general and jump to conclusions before thinking things through, they are presumptuous. If they assume something they heard is true without questioning or considering, they are gullible. People assume things, because it is their strategy for handling anxiety and a need to control others and situations. Assumptions can also be a way of avoiding emotional pain. By always assuming we know what others think and feel, we avoid the risk of being vulnerable. We tend to take on our parents' assumptions, such as assuming that we do or don't deserve certain things (a good life, money, love) or we should or shouldn't do other things (get married, be atheist, wear bright clothes).We often use assumptions as a shortcut when we lack firsthand knowledge. We assume we know what other people think and this prevents us from learning what they really think. But what we may not recognize is that our assumptions also inhibit us from seeing the truth about ourselves.If someone accuses you of being assuming, he or she thinks you are arrogant or that you take too much for granted. If you take on an assuming tone when you ask for something, people are more likely to feel offended than to be generous. A person who is quiet and modest is often described approvingly as being unassuming. One of the main complaints from women (often times in response to complaints from men) about is the apparent disrespect or resentment that so many men demonstrate towards women. The reason most men resent women is because their perspective is off. They’re focused more on things they can’t control and don’t like. They’re focused more on what others are or aren’t doing, rather than their own (in)actions. The experience of life is ALL about perspective. You’d be surprised at how many rich and beautiful people are miserable. They don’t usually look at themselves from the same lens that their fans look at them through. They’re prone to the same tendency to focus on what they wish they had that someone else has (or what they wish they didn’t have to deal with). It’s the destructive side to the ego. Human nature, or socially conditioned nature perhaps, often times works against us. This is why we it’s important to understand men who have some resentment towards women. It’s human nature to resent certain people or things when your perspective’s wrong. How could men resent women in the first place though? What did women ever do to men? 1) Women represent sexual privilege/authority to the average man. Today’s American male is more inclined to notice the social advantages and freedoms that women have “over men” due to societal norms, perceptions, expectations (or lack thereof) standards, and nature than he is to notice how he may or may not benefit from patriarchy. He sees women getting into clubs free when he has to pay 10 to 20 bucks. He sees the way men are expected to pay for dates during courtship (and drinks at bars). He sees how men are also expected to be the ones to initiate and escalate contact between the sexes. He sees how men are expected to protect their women from harm. Sometimes it seem like all men have are responsibilities, while it seems to him like women have options, luxuries, conveniences, high expectations, and a plethora of sometimes arbitrary standards. Women do have some advantages, but men have as many if not more. The worst part is that many of these men see women as one of the most powerful authorities on his value and worth as a man. The way he sees it, women get to decide which men are worthy of any form of sexual gratification (aside from gay men). This is one of the reasons so many men tend to view women like they’re the government. For the most part these men obey the laws and know that they can’t and don’t really want to overthrow the government, but they still enjoy slandering politicians and debating changes in their local elected officials along with strategies for how to cheat or exploit the system. These men need to adjust their glass is half empty perspective and learn to use their own advantages. Women do have some advantages, but men have as many if not more. Most of the ones I just mentioned only apply to dating and relationships. In the laborforce it’s an entirely different story where women could say worst things about our privileges. Either way, only pessimists and people who find comfort in the victim position focus on their disadvantages and other people’s advantages. Leaders don’t do this. Not to mention, seeing women as government is one of the worst dating/relationship mindsets you could have. To me, that sounds like a stressful civic duty rather than a good time. 2) Some men don’t particularly care for women’s values/interests. The blogosphere is FULL of discussions about the many differences between men and women and the disconnects in perspective we tend to have. We generally care about entirely different things. It’s interesting to see all the different types of things that matter to women that are insignificant, superficial, unnecessary, arbitrary, and sometimes downright odd to men (and vice versa). Men and women live in different worlds it seems, and a lot of men resent the way this disconnect relates to dating, sex, and relationships. There’s a lot at stake when it comes to sexual preferences, behavior, and expectations. Women set the standards for what’s acceptable, desirable, and undesirable in men. This is a level of perceived authority that not all men are comfortable with (as I mentioned in #2). When it comes to attraction and sex women seem to value things in men that men don’t find as important. Hence the resentment. Many men hate how so many women get turned on by demeanor, style, and confidence a lot moreso than substance of character, compassion, loyalty, or intelligence. This isn’t fair because not only does this not apply to every woman, but if these men observed themselves they’d realize that their sexual attraction triggers were even more shallow, primal, arbitrary, and unsophisticated. Even if it were true though, it would also be true that there are countless women who value the same things as you to the same extent you do. Complaining about the ones that don’t isn’t the way to find those women. So I say move to plan B. 3) Women pride themselves on being complex. Growing up in a house with four women I learned right away that women’s standards regarding comfort, cleanliness, and general satisfaction were higher than our government needs the debt ceiling to be. They struck me as experts at finding otherwise nonexistent problems, unacceptable quality, or discomfort in almost any given decoration, service, or product. This isn’t because they’re naturally negative or committed to discontent though. As the creatures of habit we humans tend to be, women in particular are a lot more detail oriented. They almost always value details more than us. This is why it seems like good is never good enough for them. The seemingly trivial aspects of a house, relationship, shirt, person’s tastes, or personality will usually somehow manage to be a lot more nuanced, bothersome, or generally a bigger deal to her than it will be to him. Most men I know desire to be simple creatures, but I can’t say the same for what I see in most women. Women seem to crave challenge, mystery, intrigue, and other complicated things that disturb the peace men value so much. The average man resents the fact that so many women often feel the need to test him and reassure herself that he’s the one for her and that he’s qualified to handle her foolishness in case it flares up again later on. Women can also appear to be reluctant to accept how simple men are and how little we want or expect from them. Perhaps they’re annoyed by this reality because they realize that it means we can’t fully relate to them. Or who knows, maybe they just think it’s boring and disappointing. Even it that’s true, hatred or resentment is not the answer. Just find common ground and give each other space to be who you are. Decide what ticky tackness you can tolerate (from a woman who’s worth it obviously) and set your boundaries on the things you can’t and this becomes a non-issue. On grander scale of things, you as all men are high wired to find a woman, that is similar to patterns you recognise, which is interaction between your mother and your father. These are the types of women that turn you on physically and the only type that you can function with, relationship wise. You are content with that pattern, you are often unaware of how similar your girlfriends are to your mother. This system always benefited men. Women are culturally and socially struggling against, this pattern recognition and teach each other, to pick better then what your know and high wired for, improving themselves through all this overthingking, that men resent them for. That is because system, been discriminating and killing them for hundreds of years, primarily from middle of 1500ies and start of woman hunt, that established global man-fear and disgust with periods and childbirth as witchcraft. Before that, ability to give birth, was valued more then life of a man or life of a soldier.

@evgenia can I have my hour back? At no point during that novel you wrote did you even begin to approach anything even close to resembling a response to my comment. I can only pray that you did actually write all of that rather than having copied and pasted it from somewhere, because there could be no injustice greater than the possibility that more of my brief time on this planet was wasted on this interaction than yours.

Guess the best thing is that she's your Ex now, don't know you or her, and whatever happened i know it can still hurt and suck, but it seems like you got out of a toxic relationship, even if it may had good sides at one time in the relationship, it's probably for the best for you. Getting your words twisted so she's "right" ... no thanks, feels like that your opinion, your words, your feelings aren't worth anything in this relationship you had, just from the little you shared here, but yeah, can't tell if that was the case or not, or just a part of it, just saying it like it looks for me. And yeah, a therapist that doesn't see that was certainly the wrong one. The therapist is there to help both of you, not just one, and more in a way so you both can understand each other better and see what is best for the both of you. So yeah, maybe going separate ways is the best for you. Wish you the best of luck in your future, and, when you ever need a therapy again, for yourself or a couple therapy, that you find someone better!

@@Shadoom90 Thanks, and yeah, I tried to make it work, which is why we went to couples therapy. But, she didn't learn anything from it since the therapist let her slide on every time she got the communication lessons wrong... Its very difficult to live with someone who just decides reality is whatever she wants it to be at any given time and you're not allowed to disagree...

I'm sorry to hear it went like that. Sounds like the therapist was definitely biased in this situation. I hope that if you have future experiences with therapy you will be properly listened to. That's a level of respect everyone deserves, and especially in a service that is meant to help you and that you are paying for.

Have you tried a life coach? Or a CBT/DBT focused therapist?

@@mujtabaalam5907 I did try CBT for a bit then the therapist left and finding CBT therapists in my area is actually oddly difficult. What I found works best is walking away when I get worked up and talking to a 3rd party about the situation to check if I am overreacting. The difficulty there is that I don't have a lot of people I am close with that I can talk to.

DUDE, you hit the nail on the head, I couldn't have put it into better words myself. Also, I fuck w/ the pfp, that exact picture used to be my Steam pfp for a long while.🐧

I ain't readin allat

The problem here is that real growtrh comes from within. In many situation it wont do it to simply do X or Y. You are the expert for your life. There are so many things they dont see, so they offer input. The bigger Problem is that they failed to identify the core problem.

Exactly

So in other words, get into the construction industry. Note: will NOT assist in healthy expression of anger

Hitting the gym doesn't work for everyone. I've been trying for months, but I get nothing out of it. Absolutely nothing. No satisfaction, no better sleep, nothing.

@@cortster12 the gym is not helpful for me either-I can’t maintain the discipline on my own, nor do I feel pride, endorphins, or all the positive things usually associated with exercise bc I feel so self-conscious and down on myself. Joining a men’s workout group is what worked for me. The one I found is free of charge and doesn’t meet in a gym-just in public spaces like parks and schools. We always meet up early in the morning and go get coffee afterwards. We also do a bit of leadership studies/training and community service. It’s called F3 if you want to look into it; they’re in most US cities. Good luck man

@@cortster12 Anhedonia

Maybe a life coach, rather than a therapist, would help you? I have no experience with it but I think that's supposed to be the solution-oriented push you're looking for.

Holy shit that’s awful. I hope you’ve found a way to come to terms with it.

I totally understand where you come from, had a similar problem but never spoke about it for fear of that exact result. The way that I have dealt with it is to simply never let anybody know, it acts like acid and destroys you from the inside out. I can say seek help even though I fear that same help.

Therapists are scumbags- never forget that.

I can’t like this, but I can say that this person’s reaction was horrific, your feelings are 100% valid, and what was done to you was not okay and just as exploitive as a grown man touching a underage girl (or boy) in that fashion. It was not your fault; a crime was committed against you by someone plenty old enough to know better! 😡

I'm sorry that happened to you. I've got trust issues myself from negative experiences. Unfortunately the closest to a so-called healthy perspective I've been able to reconcile with the real world is that the most valuable lesson a man can learn isn't that he should work hard or take responsibility, but rather that all his feelings and experiences will always be a joke to everyone else.

Yeah, women tend to be good at doing that to men. Society let's them get away with it and sees it as a funny joke when they do it to men, but god forbid the shoe is on the other foot. My own therapist I just got rid of insulted me for opening up about certain things. There's a reason why they told Samson not to open up to Delilah. I wish there were more male therapists as well.

That's up to men to do. Y'all have to stop collectively believing that care work is feminine and lowly, and then systematized this through insufficient pay, low regard, etc. It's a "y'all" simply because men won't listen to the gender minorities who do cry out that toxic masculinity/ patriarchal standards need to be done away with. So idk what else can be said about addressing the issue 🤷🏽‍♀️ It all still points back to patriarchy.

@@Heyu7her3 ah yes, let's blame men once more. Lovely

@@Heyu7her3 Do you really hang around in men's mental health youtube comments sections just to be insensitive and sexist?

​@@Heyu7her3oh no it's the Shoe0nHead comments

“i have arachnophobia doc” “well spiders are probably humanphobic too”

she literally solved nothing with that reply

"Doctor, I have terrible migraines." "Well, other people have migraines too."

preach man

Wow, she basically pulled the “starving kids in Africa” argument. How does someone like that even get a licence?!

Societally people care more about woman and their perspective since the dawn of time. Woman beats a man relentlessly on the street, no one bats an eye. Man raises his hand in self defense, everyone suddenly stops to intervene.

@@lemonlupinreuben5362 That... is quite a stretch. Especially the first part. The last part may be true in certain cases, but it's by no means a universal truth.

@@lemonlupinreuben5362 sorry but this is simply untrue. Women have been subjugated by men for the majority of human history as far as we can tell. Women couldn't vote, work, own property etc. It's is only recently that the gap has been narrowed in any significant way, but men still own and run most corporations, institutions and governments.

Your story reminds me of an experience that I had in college that completely turned me off to the idea of therapy and a therapist wasn't even involved! I was doing a 10 hr a week field experience/internship thing doing tasks that I absolutely hated while still taking full time classes; I loved working with the people and learned a lot, but other parts of the field experience didn't outweigh the misery from the tasks. I cannot describe how fundamentally demoralizing I found the tasks to be - and it wasn't the people, or the environment, or even the schedule and traffic to get to the place, it was literally the tasks that I was performing. They took everything I had mentally and emotionally and gave me nothing back. I wasn't entirely surprised by this, I was familiar enough with the field that I knew the tasks this internship would focus on were going to be hard on me, so I just decided to wait out the semester. But the constant drain just sapped all my energy and had me in a continual low mood that didn't abate until after the semester had ended. This was the most down I've ever felt in my life and I probably could have gotten a diagnosis of depression based on how I was behaving. Again, I was unsurprised by how awful I was feeling, but one guy that I knew was Very Concerned by my sudden change. He cornered me one day and started talking about it; I explained how I felt, why I felt it, and what I planned to do - I was very thorough and articulate and I told him that it would get better once the semester had ended. His reply? 'But what if it doesn't get better?' It was like the floor dropped out from under me. My resolve in my course of action wasn't shaken but the fact that this guy who had more experience in the field then me and had just sat through my explanation of why I was feeling what I was feeling would borderline assert that wanting to close my eyes and not open them until all the crap had passed me by would be the standard of my existence just sent me spiraling mentally. Then the guy started in on how I needed to change my thinking and reframe how I thought about the things that make me feel bad. That, at the same time, pissed me off beyond measure and shattered any trust I had in the guy. Ya know what happened? The semester ended, I started up a new field experience at a different location doing different tasks, and it was the most fulfilling thing I had ever experienced at that point in my life. It got better and was directly related to the tasks I was performing, just like I had told the guy. I admit, I've never actually had therapy. I'm a woman and my parents raised me to be able to reflect on what I am feeling and trace it to find why I am feeling that way and come up with a course of action if I wanted things to change. That interaction that I had was the one time that anyone had ever broached the topic of therapy to me and made it sound like a means to 'fix' my thinking so that I wouldn't view the things that brought me abject misery as a things to be escaped. It angered me that this person who didn't know me thought I was so ignorant of myself that any conclusion I came to should be immediately dismissed. Now, I am aware enough to know that therapy is not inherently bad and I can concieve of circumstances where the way in which one thinks does need to be reframed. Like for anorexia - that's not healthy we need to reframe the concept of food and body image so that people don't starve themselves to death. However, I don't think that the decision to use therapy like this - that is, as a means to change how people think - is a decision that should be made lightly; and it makes me very hesitant to engage with mental health services when it sounds like mental health treatment would be used pressure me into thinking the way that the mental health professional thinks is correct. I'm sorry that you had that awful experience. There can be benefits to having a third party help facilitate communication, but its nigh impossible when that third party can't maintain neutrality. And I agree - a close friend or even family member who understands you and how you think can be just as helpful in getting your own head on straight. Also, sorry this got so long! I seem to be incapable of stating things concisely lol!

How much did all that wasted therapy cost if you don't mind? Or is it fully covered by insurance? Therapy to me is an expensive waste of time. I have no interest in "talking about my feelings" unless there is a clear objective in solving the cause of those feelings.

I find myself wanting to express my feelings less to my best friend than I do to a random woman seeing me sitting alone in a cafe 😅

I tell my best friend I love him at least once a month. He understands it's not romantic, and that he's a brother to me

@@TeethSkylark Same. It might be a bit awkward the first time you tell your friends, but you''ll get used to it. Now I love saying it, and hearing it back of course!

And that's what relationships are about, understanding each other and understanding that you are different people that need to get along together. I am very glad to hear you're doing well

I also watched this to figure out more about my bf. I, too, need a LOT of verbal love, anything as simple _=$$ pointing out when he something I did, saying thank you, making it clear that he sees me as a positive person in his life. I genuinely feel like he just doesn't like me every much but I have noticed that when I eventually break down and can't keep it to myself just how sad and alone I feel, or if something he's doing (or not doing,) is really upsetting, he will attempt to do better, more, etc but it is hard for me to trust that he likes me cuz we have kids and both feel very strongly about doing whatever it takes to stay together for them so i guess I just don't know if he likes me or is just tolerating and as best he can. I'll try to look for things like what you've mentioned. I would love to find o tout I'm wrong and he just doesn't express himself or even know himself very well

I hope you two end up happily married. It seems like y'all are both willing to learn each other's languages and that you compliment each other very well. I wish y'all the best!

check out (google) "love languages" - was a real eye opener for me. seems kind of hokey but there's some real truth to it. usually at the beginning of dating someone we're doing all of them without really realizing, then as time goes on we revert to our own types and if that isn't our partner's type, they feel like "the spark is gone" or whatever.

Don't hope he knows it, tell him!! I'm sure you have in one way or another, but even reading out this comment to him would probably mean the WORLD to him.

Yea same here. I technically had a father while growing up but he barely ever interacted with me and didn't fulfill the fatherly duties he was supposed to do. And I'm also an only child so that stunted my social development. I also remember feeling the same way about how most guys would act like douchebags for no reason and it would piss me off. My mom raised me to be a goody two shoes type of person and so I thought being that way with other guys was normal but the older I got, the more I realized that women don't know how to properly raise boys. It's like a bird teaching a dog how to fly. Boys are supposed to be raised by men, and especially by men with a good heart. Women can try their best to raise boys, but unless they've truly been in our shoes, they won't know what it's like and that certain things don't apply to males while other things need to be taught before it's too late.

History shows us that emotion and action are powerful traits when used correctly.

Spot on, I have a similar story my dad was always at work and was busy doing what he wanted to do. My mom raised me to be a goody good and a nice guy, I struggled with woman for years. I ended up going to jail and met alot of bad people, but met some good strong men. Once I got out I had no issues getting woman. They seemed to like my more masculine energy then I had when I was younger. Woman cannot raise men, we are equal, but very different.

@@chrismalveaux1323 how good did that Red Pill taste?

So how did that your engergy change after prison? @@chrismalveaux1323

Was it a therapist or a psychologist? My experiences with psychologists is far better than with therapists.

I do these things and I still wake up crying most days

@@PGG98 keep going king.

Friends? what are those?

@@VworksArtI hear it's some kind of treasure you find along the way.

I think the truth is far more nuanced; to stop male suicide, men need to feel connected. Talking is the gold-standard, but sitting silently next to someone who makes you feel safe (man or woman) is still connection; the core requirement is knowing someone cares. Clinical depression is a killer because it tells you that nobody cares, even when they do.

I hate that crap too. They want us to be like women when women actually attempt suicide at a higher rate but are simply less capable of carrying out the action than we are. If we start to act and think like women our rates will go even higher because we are actually more capable of doing it.

@@Merciful_Angel I agree in part. But the idea of talking/ talking therapy being the panacea is what concerns me. I appreciate it is the gold standard (alongside antidepressant medication) but I do challenge this idea. The literature basis for talking therapy efficacy significantly biases towards women. I maintain how men a are treated (actions towards them) by partners peers and society is the driving force behind the disparity behind men claiming their lives at an alarming rate. This is why I challenge the notion that if only men would talk more it would all be ok. In reality society needs to look at how average men are treated. And not assume that a tiny percentage of successful men are representative of the population.

@@Merciful_Angel "to stop male suicide, men need to feel connected." I disagree. They need a sense of (achievable) purpose. Women have stronger social needs in terms of connectedness, men have more functional needs. Not that men they don't need connectedness at all, just that purpose is a stronger driver / motivator for men. The zeitgeist and therapy in particular tend to be tailored more towards the feminine psyche.

I tried Therapy for a bit. Each session started with making me rate my last session from 1 to 10. Then we'd spend a good bit talking about stuff he mentioned. Just when the conversation starts to get good, it's over, and you have to pick it up next week. By then, all the energy is gone, and you're back to square one.

Western society uses it’s members as fuel… Your husband has had his emotional self completely destroyed. He is more productive at menial labor this way ☹️It’s like having one arm that falls asleep constantly, the more you move it, the more the pins and needles hurt. But moving it is the only way to get the arm to wake up again and make the pain stop. It’s a state of agonizing uncertainty and insecurity where both remaining the same is uncomfortable, and making the necessary change is painful

As a guy, the biggest thing that I took away from this video was when Dr K said "as a man, An emotion is a problem to be solved, not talked about". This made so much sense to me as it really resonated with how I feel about my emotions/problems. This is not to say that I don't want to talk about my emotions or that talking about them is a useless endeavor. But really this is how my brain approaches these things. Maybe this mindset was learned or maybe its just how I naturally am, but regardless its what makes the most sense to me.

I feel bad for married people sometimes 🥺

Hope your marriage is going well!

chicken butt 39 cents a pound

It is easier to talk to female therapists. I found that mine kept questioning me in an open minded way to get the answers out of me when i couldnt speak for myself!

indirect masculinity competition, I think most men subconsciously don't like to put themselves in a position of "inferiority" to other men, just as no man passes another man with his ass turned around in the gym, just from the front.

Have you ever considered that they have nothing else to go off other than your own word? Psycho-therapy basically relies on your making a Subjective narrative about your Objective reality, and working through it from there…. Regardless, there should be a male-based therapy system that doesn’t treat men like women.

I think you and Dr. K just helped something click for me. Much like you, I've always been a shoulder to cry on. It just feels natural to suspend judgement when someone is comfortable enough with me to be vulnerable. I never really allowed that to be returned to me, not even with trusted friends. I tried various therapists for years, but ultimately I spent the better part of 2 decades convinced that therapy would never, _ever_ be for me. I had only seen male therapists (unintentionally) who just never seemed invested for myriad reasons. My current therapist is a woman, and I've been seeing her for over 3 years now. It's the first time in my life that therapy has ever felt genuinely productive. I wouldn't pin it all on gender - she's easily just a better therapist overall than any others I've seen over the years. But upon a little reflection, it certainly seems like an important factor.

The part about being ashamed to talk about my feelings and issues and instead trying to solve it resonates with me greatly, not helped by the fact that my issue in particular is extremely difficult for me to talk about. I’ve only had one male therapist so far, he helped me somewhat but certainly not at a certain point, so maybe female therapists might help. Tbf I’m doing infinitely better than a few years ago, but it still pesters me to this day

Sounds about right.

I’m sorry, what?!? How can you be therapist, and not already think that!? I think it’s very disturbing to think that “men don’t have feelings” in the first place. It’s like saying, “I just discovered that black people have feelings too.” Wth???

imagine reading a whole book to figure yourself out, and by the end of it the triple degree PHD has only gotten to your starting line lmao P.S. I agree its fucked up, but man thats funny too

It's by Brene Brown. I'm skeptical of what you claim. Could you please quote where she says this?

imagine spending years to learn about how human emotions work only to be like “humans have emotions?? holy shit guys”

Did you tell the therapist that last part?

@@reallivebluescat I was 8 lmao

Thank you for sharing your experience!! 😮 yes!, the best kind of therapist are the ones who do the self questions! 😲🤔

Is it a coincidence that 75% of all shrinks are women.

Not many therapists have that great quality. Thank you for sharing your experience.

Oh, so i have been doing a good job helping my friend then. I hope he gets back on track soon.

maternal. paternal is for fathers

Your mistake was agreeing to go in the first place.

Sadly,we only know your side of the story. I've seen couple counseling work,mostly narcissistic men and females tired of playing mom. Not that it can't happen the other way,it does.

@braken63 well in my case my partner had to be mom as her daughter is not mine. The issue is really that the counsellor should stay neutral. They didn't know me nor my partner and yet they seemed to form an opinion before i even spoke. They were shouting me down so I left and lodged a complaint against them. Completely unwilling to listen to anything I had to say because I had kept quiet and allowed my partner to speak.

@@martynbrown8210 it does sound very rough. In a case like that,it's not couple therapy that's needed,but individual therapy for her. That being said,a narcissist going there for more than a couple sessions is something very hard to accomplish. Still,very nice of you to even try. Sorry if i came across as if trying to diminish your particular case,I just see a lot of shit in my region and wanted to share that point of view.

@braken63 yeah, i don't really want to go into stuff that's private to her. She's been through enough before i was there. She just can misinterprete stuff i do and i get lumped in with the " all men are b's**ds" narrative.

Resonate with this so much...

Had one friend during highschool who loved to give hugs, each time our group went out, her way to say goodbye was a big hug. I feel that, were It not for her, and another friend who would take time to listen to me, I wouldn't have gotten out of that pit I was in back then.

Men have superiority complexes as a defense mechanism, which can be either be learned or taught. A lot of the times it's not overt or blatant, but we tend to put a lot of importance on self-reliance. Those who cannot do so are seen as 'weak' by society at large. So when we show our vulnerabilities, it can be a bit of a disconnect to when comparing their behaviour to how their 'image of a man' should be. People call this superiority complex 'toxic masculinity', either as something inherent or as a culture wide phenomenon that dictates the male gender role. The general impression is that men are the ones who self-perpetuate that culture, but women also subconciously do so (on that, the female gender role is also enforced by both sexes). By the simple act of merely believing in the patriarchy, it cemented itself into the collective conciousness. And maybe there is truth to it, but so long as men are seen as priveleged by virtue of existing, they will never 'need' help.

@@wrexus9585 speak for yourself. Never in my life have I felt superior. Infact the exact opposite. The reason why I and most other men aren't forthcoming with our suffering is simply because we're gonna be shamed and ridiculed for it. People (especially women in my personal experience) use that sht against you

@@inquisitionagent9052 this was a little too deep for you or you read too fast i recon, he isent talking about your feeling superior to woman or stuff, he is talking about mental default systems that men have in them, and that behaviour is the basis for how society treats us, "because we're gonna be shamed and ridiculed for it." is the exact same point but from another angle that OP is making. you dont disagree, but i think there were parts you missunderstood about the post ;) Edit: i gonne take a wild guees on the gender roles and patriarchy being the parts that made you think you disagree?

@@kimandre5842 imagine going to therapy searching for genuine advice but instead being met with a lecture about toxic masculinity, patriarchy and gender. you are part of the problem.

​@@white6505 well. This isn't therapy. It's a video about therapy. So.....idk where you were going with that.

Came here to say this

Yeah i want the therapist to give me ideas on how to solve problems. They don’t need to be even ideas that work but something other than “that sucks” would be helpful.

Yes! SO many times therapists told me how they emphasize "coping skills," which is the same as saying "just stop caring and put up with it." I wasn't trying to "cope" with my depressions, I wanted to end them! Limit and reduce them at the very least. We so often hear that mental/emotional health should be addressed the same as any other health issues, yet no doctor ever told me to learn "coping skills" when dealing with the horrible pain of my kidney stones. Instead, they had specific procedures that removed the cause of the pain. Yet I was criticized for wanting to change the circumstances that led to my depressions, and was told I had to learn "coping skills" instead.

​@@evanc8057 Just recalled something. A few years ago I saw a VA psychologist for a few months. Wanting it to work I asked what we needed to do to make it effective. In a foreshadowing of my future with him he said "What do you think I should do?" (About all he did for was throw my questions back at me, pretty frustrating). I said I expected his thoughts, his evaluations, suggestions for things I might try, perhaps recommendations for things I could read. All he said was "it sounds like you're just looking for easy answers." Stunned, I did not reply. I should have asked him how those reasonable expectations added up to "looking for easy answers." But I guess it's too much to expect a psychologist to actually DO anything.

This was my first therapist. My second therapist actually acknowledges my goal, but my first therapist was basically acting as a listening box and stopped listening the moment I said I drink, and promptly directed me elsewhere. I got Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm not going back to that, even if I start drinking again.

Lol therapy is a joke

@@πατριχορ American healthcare is a joke.

Damn who knew that getting ur kid out of abuse would fix the problem

Well tbh, that's a two way misunderstanding (unless the therapist knew he was being abused in school)

A lot of bogus therapists out there. Get someone who has more than a 'social work' degree.

Jesus CHRIST man…. I never leave comments on KZfaq but this story is insane. I had a decent childhood, although when I was very young I was put into situations where I felt similarly, that I was struggling but not a single person was going to help me but myself. It caused me to grow up extremely closeted and with anxiety and overthinking. I am very independent and self-reliant as a result but I have a hard time communicating with others and it’s frustrating at times. The only thing I want to say is that as a man, your potential and ability to change yourself gets better as you age. Once you’re an adult, the world is yours to achieve and you really can transform yourself if you are willing to make sacrifices and bear the difficulties. Best of luck

Jesus Christ. Are you OK now? 💀

Yes, this story is truly insane. Terrible. I can see why people like you hate therapists and therapy. I don't know if you even want to hear this but the problem was the amount of gaslighting and power imbalance being used against you and the invalidation of your experiences - all that piled together. The problem wasn't therapy as such. I completely understand that having had these experiences, that's what you now think about therapy. I can only empathize with you…

You're very right. In life we're alone and no one can help us.

i hope you are getting better!

That really hits the nail for me! My partner frequently complains about feeling stupid after I said something but in my view she's up there with most intelligent women I've ever met. I'm just a "solution hunter" 😅

OMG, exactly

I prefer the term "I'm sorry to hear that", because it's not disingenuous at all. I really am sorry that I have to hear that.

Nothing wrong with that as long as you are actively listening. It's not disingenuous to just sit there, hear her out, acknowledge that you understand her frustration, and leave it at that. I also used to want to be a "problem solver" when my ex would discuss similar things, and it quickly became apparent that a person will specifically ask you for advice if they want your input in that way generally. It only becomes an issue when someone complains about the same things interminably and hasn't taken any steps to change the situation at all. Sometimes circumstances can't be change except in the long-term though, like perhaps someone needing to stay at the same shitty job for the time being just to have money coming in at a certain stage in their life, but serial whining can be aggravating after a long time.

She tries to sisify you my man , dont fall in da trap

I actually had good luck with mine, dropped my 1st one because her style was too different to what my mind could play around with (she had more of a visual way of doing it, with figures and actually generating a story on a table, didnt work at all for me), my 2nd one though..... its like she speaks my language, even if i have a very weird physical response to something (some odd tell signs i didnt know existed) she actually helps me identify the emotions thats causing it, asks me if thats correct, and starts digging into parts in my life where i felt similar, now she has been my therapist for abit over 3 years and i couldnt be happier. (abit of backstory to know why i actually go, rough childhood where i was locked up for 18 years by a emotionally unavailable schizophrenic mother, my father wasnt around at all, so i never learned to actually be human)

My first therapist was like this. She was nice, but not helpful. My second (and current) therapist is under the table, and she is MUCH better. She doesn't tell me things, she asks me things. She asks me the right questions to help interpret my feelings and desires, it's worked wonders. And sessions are scheduled by me, not weekly, so I only have an appointment when I have something to talk about.

There is no inherent filter for smart or attentive. Anyone who wants to go through the education and can endure it gets to be a therapist. And they get paid regardless of the outcome, so with the current shortage of therapists in my country there is no filter for success, either. Which really sucks if you are somewhat intelligent and have already spent some time brooding over and researching about your problems. The more you know, the better you can trick yourself into believing you're hopeless case.

That's literally all they do its a made up job. There is literally a total of ZERO evidence for therapies efficacy. All the modalities they sue are "equally" as effective as the next one they make up. Todays hot shit is CBT tomorrows will be some other nonsense.

@@Volkbrecht Shortage? I live in a smallish city and there are dozens available. I went through 5 or 6 before I found the one that works for me, which was speaking from a logical and scientific level of PTSD, addiction, etc. and not emotional jibberish like, "let's discuss your childhood". I had one hippie that replied to my, "My childhood was awesome, I don't need to discuss that. I KNOW when and what caused my spiral - I fucking died. Painfully. And I remember every second of it, I can still feel it" and she insisted that I still needed to talk about my childhood. Uhhhhh, what? Nope.

Wow.

I felt that too. I've actually outright said this in relationships before: I see emotions as something that slows me down and hinders me - a problem to be solved, not a problem to be discussed as discussion rarely leads to solutions whereas action rapidly leads to one. Even if less effective, it's more efficient. What I've come to realize since these discussions with my significant others is that therapy is a part of the action for a effective solution. The problem then becomes how to navigate the inherent biases present in the psychotheraphy field.

@HealthyGamerGG As a man, I feel you're detracting from broader socioeconomic and political factors through the lens of biological determinism, or biologism. Men are biologically different, and because of this, they're being treated unfairly. It says nothing about the pseudoscience and institutional corruption playbook at the heart of the psychopharmaceutical industrial complex; it's direct-to-consumer advertising and crony regulatory capture long since rallied against by W.H.O., the U.N., MIA advocates, and other professionals at odds with the mainstream of their profession. Your channel has spoken about incels and lonliness in men, but because lonliness is a social problem, it cannot be resolved one-on-one in a clinical context. Your channel does little except emphasize the technical regime of late neoliberal capitalism in an increasingly atomized and hyper-individualistic society. It's likely you've heard the reference to Robert Putnam's meta-analysis on isolation in Bowling Alone. It's become quite popular; it's about the decline of civic associations in America and the ensuing loss of social capital. These are broader trends across the West in general; the UK was recently ranked as the second-most miserable country in the world by the global happiness index. Indeed, how can people have any sense of commonality in a liberal democracy when everything must be delegated to technical experts-police, priests, owners, teachers, therapists, and so on-or to those who can employ the experts? The UK is also seeing an increase in polarization and distrust in politicians, which is capitalized on by the data economy of American Big Tech. In June 2021, the World Health Organization joined in calls by the United Nations with a 300-page document entitled "Guidance on Community Mental Health Services: Promoting Person-Centred and Rights-Based Approaches." The report emphasized social determinants of mental health such as violence, discrimination, poverty, exclusion, isolation, and unemployment. "Americans have been increasingly socialized to equate inattention, anger, anxiety, and immobilizing despair with a medical condition, and to seek medical treatment rather than political remedies. What better way to maintain the status quo than to view inattention, anger, anxiety, and depression as biochemical problems of those who are mentally ill rather than normal reactions to an increasingly authoritarian society?" -Bruce E. Levine, Ph.D.

Feelings are a damned nuisance that I could do well without. Perhaps I should move to Vulcan - they seem to have things figured out.

I am exactly like that when the problem is uncomfortable feelings. I want to get free of them or deal with them as best as I can, not to "talk" or keep engaging in them.

Wow, man thats a lot, but it's so awesome! Im truly happy for you, and happy that you have such friends!

Im really happy for you. You are giving yourself the opportunity to be aware of your emotions. Over the time your body will be more used to feel emotions and you’ll feel more comfortable and cry less. I recently broke up with my boyfriend because of problems of emotional intelligence and I would have loved accompanying him in his emotional awareness. But for him, his emotional awareness were not part of his priority 😢 in our relationship. I would love more men give themselves the opportunity to dive into themselves and their emotions. Conversations become more meaningful when we talk about vulnerability. There was a time that I had difficulties expressing my emotions but I learned in therapy as you mentioned, being aware of the feeling of my emotions in my body, compassion to myself, I worked as well in my self talk and by myself searching for better vocabulary. I strongly believe this is not just a men problem but I totally agree there’s a collective wound related to neglecting emotions in the male society.

very nice description of your process. i resonate and feel happy for you.

Friends like that are treasures. Thanks for sharing your experience. You won't find another [her]. But you may find someone else who makes your world shine. And you deserve it.

I still can't ugly cry after years of therapy.

When I was around twelve, I was mandated anger management counseling by my school's woefully incompetent guidance counselor. My best friend Anna had punched me because I deserved it, for a dumb joke, so I gave her a tap back. We both laughed and shared our lunches. But a school employee saw the hit, so it became a disciplinary issue. Anna is tiny, the smallest girl in our grade. I'm a huge dude and the teacher immediately decided it was a fight and that I had started it, then threw everything they could at me. In spite of the 'victim' telling admin to fuck off and leave her friend alone, I was forced into my first mental healthcare experience-- as a pariah. A big boy who hit a little girl, how much more shameful could it get? These days I'm just glad my parents had the money to pay for the 'anger management classes', because in spite of the school mandate, it was not paid for by the district. The therapist met with me and after about five minutes was trying to get me to join his kendo class, because he was an excellent mentor and realized I might have benefited from some more exercise. Overall they made me like psych docs more, but trust a lot of other adults less, especially public servants who work education mental health services

You made the right choice to stay away. Therapists are just scammers from white-collar families.

Well, you misbehaved in the first place and they probably were actually scolding you as they should.

​@@Eric-dd8bkmistakes are bound to happen but what's important is what happens after

Wait, was speaking to the school guidance counsellor your "one and only experience with therapy?" If so, you think that it "felt like it was a punishment"? That certainly is one way of looking at it. Look, you were kicked out of class for being disruptive. You make no attempt to make a case that you did not deserve this. What was the teacher's intention? "This kid is making it impossible for the other kids to learn, I need this kid out of here to teach this class." Given the choice between sitting in the hallway stewing, for any passerby to see me, or speaking to the guidance counselor, I think that seeing the counselor is without question preferable. Would you prefer the "passing teacher" saw that you were upset and thought or even said, "This is what you get"?

Therapy is a scam. It's a racket for the Jews.

Your biggest mistake was trying to mend your relationship with the cheater.

First of all I won't marry in this legal environment. If I were married and she would cheat on me I would contact my lawyer to end the marriage. If a wife cheats on you she has become an enemy and more importantly you have become an enemy. Enemies hurt each other. Enemies do not help each other. So many people believe that compassion is the solution to malignant actions. The solution to malignant actions is admittance, boundaries and separation.

@@ybvb my God. So simple. Pure genius.

Wow man, that is wild.

Bravo.

As a man you can always be more emotionally open with male friends, generally speaking I'd say don't talk about any negative emotions you feel to your female friends, I used to approach this with an open mind and while women like to be heard, they don't like listening, men like communicating in more ways than women and you often get a better experience from men.

@@-haclong2366 Well those are all massive stereotypes and even encourage exactly said stereotypes. My experience and the ones of everyone I know contradict yours completely.

@Gyrfalcon312 You are not wrong, my friend.

A fortunate son?

Damn bro, sorry you had to go through that, don’t let that shit get to you! While it is true that most women are like that there are some who genuinely loving and nice who will stick with you through thick and thin. So keep searching for that good one cause god knows we all are.

It's generally true that you should never confide in or show weakness to your female partner. While there are some females out there who are awesome most will eventually use it against you and lose respect for you. To put it simply the ones who will help you and understand are vastly outnumbered by the ones who will lose respect and use it against you, it's a bad bet to make. My guess is this is largely a biologically ingrained tendency in women. When a woman says she wants an emotional or emotionally intelligent man what they usually mean is a man that can deal with their emotions. It is generally not a two way street despite what they may say.

Cheaters really are the worst human beings. They'll stab you in the back, tear your heart out, and then make you feel like it's somehow your fault you're so stab-able.

For how much discourse and social action there is about women being systemically treated unfairly as sex objects, there is nothing outside of the disgusting red-pill world willing to address this universal male experience: Men are treated systemically unfairly as “Success Objects.”

My wife is one of the few people who I feel like I can genuinely share my feelings with. I'm sorry that happened to you, that really sucks. But if she cheated on you for that, she's not worth it.