LMAO YOUR FACE WHEN HE SAID RELATIONSHIP SEX IS MID 😂

I think people think “toxic sex” is more alluring bc it’s like getting a hit of a drug- it raises your serotonin and adrenaline momentarily but once it’s over you have to cope with the nasty symptoms of “withdrawal” aka being ghosted, fighting, emotional inconsistencies/unavailability. And then you try to recover but then the toxic partner may come back into your life later on (I call these people yo-yos) while you’re trying to heal, and then you remember the “high” while blocking out all the painful lows you’ve experienced and then you relapse. I’ve been through that cycle myself on and off for 3 years- I had to pray about it and make the ultimate decision to completely cut them off and NOT let them back in. I’m now in a beautiful healthy relationship and we celebrate our 1 year anniversary next week. After all that I’ve been thru, I’ll take healthy d over toxic any day.

I think you're going to write a pretty good dissertation, Shan. Hope you have a great adviser.

I think we also have to evaluate why we seek or are drawn to toxic relationships. As much as I found myself stuck in cycles of toxic relationships, I was always hoping for security and I often found toxic dick unfulfilling. The moment I found and established a secure, healthy relationship, it was like the rose coloured glasses on my previous relationships not only came off but they were completely crushed. This has been the best, most adventurous, most fulfilling connection of my life!

I know exactly what you mean, talking about ambiguity in longterm relationships :) my personal advice would be to actually stop during the sexual activity with your partner. So for instance, engage in 'foreplay' (whatever that means for you) and then not continue or to stop even later on. Of course this can leave both parties a bit frustrated, but it's also quite fun😉💃🏼 although you are probably still quite sure, that you'll engage sexually with your partner, you will both not exactly know, how far the sexual activity will go next time (which I find quite exciting)🎉😊

I think one of the best way to keep it fresh and exciting in a long term relationship is to engage with your partner to get them excited then disengage. Personally I like to engage with my partner while they’re preoccupied with something else like a menial task (washing dishes, folding clothes, etc) then when the sexual tension is at a certain point I disengage. It gets us both excited but also gets them frustrated for not having the release. Give the attention but add the no factor so they never know when you’re going to allow them the release. Just an idea

I couldn’t sleep with someone who thinks like the man in the jeans. It’s not even toxicity at this point, it’s general disconnect from reality.

Thank you for releasing this video right before 2024 begins. The clarity you just gave me just cut all the cords tied to my ex and their toxic love. 2023 has been all about healing and repairing from that romantic relationship. To your question about why is it more memorable, the answer that comes to me is the trauma bonding. This last year has taught me it is because it reminds me of the love I thought I am worthy of because it reflected the ways that my parents loved me - inconsistently, insufficiently and with tons of conditions - while being told this is the best the world has to offer. The emotional, verbal and eventually physical violence (that gratefully caused me to end the relationship) also mirrored how I was raised. At our most peaceful moments at the end, my intuition told me this is how people get into miserable marriages - by loving a love like this. I am going to watch this video a few more times because you affirmed so much that my intuition was telling me in the early stages and why I was so puzzled in the depths of it. This year has been full of "no thank you's" in terms of my romantic life. This year ends with me on my path in stronger, newer and clearer ways than ever before. I feel like you just cleaned my mirror for me. Tears in my eyes and a heart full of gratitude to you and for you. BTW, your eyeliner is fire

i love your honesty on finding that erotic ambiguity in long term relationships. i would really love to see more content on your journey with that and how to maintain that healthily.

I love your honesty in admitting you don't have the answer even in your own relationship. I find the paradox of relationships and desire intresting. I can see why Ester Perel is your intellectual crush.

Omg…..it’s crazy to think that there are men who think this way

This was so informative I know I have to watch it again

This was a fascinating video. Thank you for all this information!

Shan I hope that you had a great Christmas

You have taught a lot, I’ll never forget the breadcruming video. It links to this

Thank you, Shan, for talking about this. I think there’s not enough conversation about how to nurture a long term committed relationship when you are used to the world of…well “mini put” lol. I love your content.

The deep furrow in Shan's brow in the intro clip from the podcast bwhahaha

Honestly I think it depends on if you like where you are in life, if you enjoy the company of the people you hang out with, if you are happy with your food choices. Feeling sexy and turning each other on is so much about: am I good where I am? Am I proud?

This is SO interesting and insightful!

Shannon face during flash back clips was hilarious 😂

Shan totally unrelated but. I just saw you in mean girls and…. epic cameo wheewwwwww

Long distance for stints helps add novelty.

Because it's forbidden. We have impulses that we know we're not supposed to give in to. Our willpower keeps us civil. But the moment we do give in, it becomes this massive unplugging of a part of ourselves. Something about it makes us feel more alive, more human. We let loose. But eventually reality kicks back in, and our civility returns. We crave that feeling once again knowing we're not supposed to give in. The forbidenness tempts us. The bliss comes from being in genuine belief that something is forbidden. To replicate it is to ask one to trick themselves successfully (forced amnesia..?), or just compulsively strip one's civility and hope no one gets caught. Neither are easy if either party tends to be grounded, not as open-minded, or have a strong enough morality. But sometimes replicating it can be as simple as making loud noises that others might hear (moaning or bed creaking).

Thank you thank you thank you

High level production

What about toxic marriages? Long term relationships that experience toxic traits as well?

I genuinely wish you had the opportunity to interview Author Alan Roger Currie, you two would’ve had a great discussion on this topic.

Please don't collab with them no more. I say this with love and a deep desire to not be in that world.🥴

Eyeliner 👌

TOXIC PEOPLE NEVER DESERVE THE GIFT OF SEX FROM ANYONE

song name at the end? its fire!!!!

the opening clip…. i’m scared

❤❤❤

100

The key is to have a little bit of both. That’s the only way to keep some spice but also have a real true sustainable love. It shouldn’t be one or the other- but a bit more of a balance ….I like to mostly eat health food but sometimes I just need the greasiest pizza followed by a piece of fattening cake or I just can’t feel fulfilled in any way. But eat McDonald’s all the time and I’m craving a healthy home cooked meal. If you can keep a bit of spice and darkness w a pinch of intermittent reinforcement (emotionally and physically) while having a mostly healthy relationship then you can have love *and* a great passionate sex life. But we need the salty and the sweet combo to stay engaged and hooked on each other lol bc too much toxic is exhausting and traumatic, but too much “healthy” is fake, tired and boring as shit and we all know this 😂 which is why the physical aspect of the relationship suffers after a while. As for keeping some spice in the bedroom long term I think there needs to be a lot of toxicity in your sex life to keep it interesting, (even if the relationship itself is mostly healthy) bc you need to trigger that carnal animalistic side in each other . Routine, predictability , and *too* much comfort/safety are the antithesis of passion.

The guy in the jeans....isn't he a poet? I didn't know he talked like this 😒

I was today’s years old when I noticed you in the opening scenes of mean girls 😮. Do you not like the idea of acting 🎭

So this is what women mean when they say that they want sex to “just happen” lol.

Lol they aren't lying in the beginning of the video though - "toxic dick" is where you have multiple orgasms. Stable relationship is .... less exciting. I wish women stop lying about that. That being said you got to let toxic d alone if you like peace

😂😂😂 bro in the blue jeans cooking he knows what the deal is. He knows the difference between what women say and what they do. Women chase the same men then think it’s relationship sex but they didn’t do any due diligence or vetting of the guy. Then get mad when it didn’t or doesn’t work out. It’s 60% of men who are single and don’t have sex. Women could choose these men but they don’t. They don’t even try. Its attraction over meaningful connections.