Don’t forget that school mates who bully you relentlessly during your formative years can cause this too. And it’s hard to overcome even with the best parents and positive reinforcement at home.

I feel like a loser because I am 62 and have never had a proper career. I raised a child with autism and he needed me 24/7. My ex’s career went on and he’s done very well. I also had perfectionist parents who acted as if every infraction was a mortal sin. At my age I shouldn’t still feel like this.

You can't be a loser unless you're competing. The reason we feel like a loser is because we compare ourselves to others to see how we measure up, and there's always going to be someone who has more than you in some regard. When we see life as a competition between ourselves and others, that's when we feel like a loser. You don't have to be a winner or a loser. Don't compete. Don't compare. Just accept yourself as you are and live YOUR life, not someone else's... and don't worry about the judgments of others.

I've just begun to stop hating myself... it's amazing to realize how much of my life has been self-sabotaged or broken because I hated myself so much. What's really helped is truly, objectively looking at the love of family/friends. The past year I've come to like myself so much more than I ever have. Thank you you to this channel.

Basically everything everywhere about everyone boils down to their childhood and relationship with parents.

Don’t forget mean siblings can cause low self-esteem.

True confidence is knowing your limitations and being at peace with yourself for them.

"better some answer than a void" uuuuuh that hits hard.

I have been dealing with self hatred since I was a child, and hearing those words of encouragement made me tear up. Thank you.

The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts: therefore, guard accordingly, and take care that you entertain no notions unsuitable to virtue and reasonable nature. Marcus Aurelius

This week I asked myself sincerely "What happens if the people you want to prove wrong view you as an idiot? Do you get no food? Less money? Are you kicked out of your house? Do people throw tomatoes on you when you go out?"... Apart from finding a partner and finding a job, it really doesn't matter if people don't talk positively about you and say you're an idiot. This was very liberating.

Well, for me, my inner critic was matched by plenty of real-world critics. I must be tough to still be around.

You've really struck a nerve. I'm 65 yrs old & your video has brought me to tears. Evidentally, I need to work on my self-worth, telling the little child within that i am okay the way i am, that i have a right to my feelings, that i am not unloveable. Thanks for helping me focus on the need.

As someone who felt like this for a long time because I had a parent who constantly compared me to my family members-I have to tell you this video speaks volume. A few years back I came to the conclusion that no matter what I did it was never good enough and that was ok. As long as you love yourself and are compassionate to yourself that’s all that matters.

I feel like this all the time. I really needed that. I am an autistic person and I always felt the need to perfect things and would get upset over one slip up.

One of the things that would boost my self-esteem immediately and allow me to feel like a capable adult is literally having enough money to buy a house whenever. I feel like what really makes someone a capable adult nowadays is how much money you have because everything is so fucking costly right now.

My parents divorced and my mom, siblings and I moved to a different city where my mom's side of the family lives. My looks took after my dad's side of the family and I look really different compared to my siblings and mom's side and my mom and grandma always treated me and told me I was ugly. I always felt and still feel sometimes like a really ugly person and I remember my husband laughed in disbelief when I said I hated myself and felt really ugly and gross then he got really worried when he realized I wasn't joking. No matter how much I worked out, how nicely I dressed or how much effort I put into myself. I was/sometimes am a failure in my own eyes and when people compliment me I always thinking it's them being polite and never take them serious. This channel is so helpful, thank you so much for your content 🙏🏼🫂 now I can hug my inner child and heal.

I KNOW that any other person with my life would get nothing but compassion and understanding from me. I simply can’t allow myself the same grace. That voice inside me has also been the primary driving force for a lot of accomplishments. Its part of me. It tortures me, but also pushes me to esteemable moments.

Sometime its the lack of appreciation one wanted and when we didn't got, instead got compared to others, we always felt that we are not as good as we think it is. We have to be our own cheerleader in life, people may come and go! This is what I am at least trying to practise!

Who I am and who I want to be cannot connect.

Stumbled across this video at random, and after reading vast majority of the comments. I must say "thank you, to everyone ". Each and every last one of you 💯💝🥰❤ . We're all humans at the end of the day, navigating through this thing called life. One's success doesn't necessarily mean that should be your path or timing. So I'm going to end it with a quote. "Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always."-(They say Robin Williams said this. But, nobody is for certain)... 😅

Thank you ❤ Today’s particularly tough and having self doubt and this is what exactly I needed. Hope this blesses a lot more people who needs to hear this today.

I don’t believe I suck, despite people berating me. I believe they suck to be so negative and hateful.

Weeks ago, I made my new I.D. document, in which I stated that I do approve the donation of internal organs if I may be dead. After a couple of days, I felt down and worthless, like almost the time I am, and I tought that I'm such a piece of s*it the hospital has to remove the organs from me right now and without any kind of anesthetic, leaving myself dying of torture. I always said that I'm ugly, stupid, antisocial, inept. That day I almost started to cry right after thinking that bad thing about myself, but not a tear dropped off my eyes. In that exact moment I promised I'd never talk badly about myself again: I was really angry because of all that perverted mechanism I was subjugated that made me feel like that. Still, I am angry not because I am recalling that moment - by the way this is the first time I write or talk about this episode of my life - but because in every second of my days after that breakdown, I acknowledge how limitated I was in studying, speaking with other people and basically in doing things, just because I didn't feel enough. It's not that now is simplier getting a girlfriend, a good grade at the exams, but for example if I see a girl I've always liked with a guy who's a douchebag and even not so handsome, I don't think I am a piece of shit because I am inferior since she didn't choose me (even because I never tried to approach her since I was also very shy), but I am angry because I should have been at least trying; also if there's an exam which is said to be very difficult among the other students, I once was scaried about that but now I am giving a chance to study it with calm. I am angry because of how this mental complex and the subsequent lack of self-esteem made me waste years of my life and most of all it precluded me lots of beautiful experiences. I just wanted to talk about the consequences of those bad and false inner voices. Hope there're not any mistakes regarding the grammar of my comment and also I hope someone appreciates that, thank you.

Don’t let others tell you what you can’t do. Don't let the limitations of others limit your vision. If you can remove your self-doubt and believe in yourself, you can achieve what you never thought possible.

4:14 yes, it makes me cry. Thank you dear de Botton and team. 🙏

I really needed this today. Perfect timing. I greatly appreciate all your videos! Thank you infinity times! Greetings from Miami, Florida!

This, absolutely. I just fear that, like riding a bike, it can't be unlearned, only made unsteady with wine.

Another reason for feeling like a loser, that this video didn't cover, is comparison. I'm 24 right now, and I try to keep in mind I still have plenty of time to get to my biggest goals in life, but when I hear about girls even younger than me having already achieved most of my goals before they're even my age (advanced college degrees, amazing careers, married with kids, etc) that's when I feel like I'm falling behind. Watching other people in your age range be much more successful and advanced than you can make you feel like a loser, not everything stems from childhood trauma.

winning involves ego and ego diminish compassionateness, therefore here i am as a brilliant loser, who am I if I got nothing to lose?

I often start these videos with curiosity and a desire to learn. By the end I feel seen as a person and have a desire to cry. These videos are powerful indeed. Thank you, school of life.

Even as a child, I don't ever recall taking personal responsibility for my parents unhappy marriage and automatically telling myself it was my fault and therefore I'm bad. Instead, I tried my best to 'fix' the situation by being Mr. Perfect (to not make the circumstances already harming me even worse), and also by becoming the unofficial marriage guidance counsellor & otherwise general support person to the entire family. No, all the inner critic stuff came later when my other parents (society) told me I was disgusting because I was (still am I'm afraid), gay. My real parents were far from perfect (are any?), but they were just the opening act to my de facto society ones... But as it says, time to let that all go...and time to let my inner critic go too. I'm not bad...and I never was. All I ever actually was, was damaged...by ALL my parents in combination, not just by my biological ones. I think, perhaps, I'm finally on the road to my recovery...

Thank you for this. Personally, I do not feel like a loser, but only recently I realized that I keep distance from people because of how much I suffered as a kid because of my mother's insanity and my terrible experiences in school... It's weird when something so obvious about ourselves goes unnoticed for so many years.

this channel never fails to upload videos at the right time that i needed it the most

Thank you for uploading this video!

I struggle with this one, thank you ❤

I recently a year ago experienced trauma after an unkind breakup. After searching for help on KZfaq from videos like these noticed I had a habit of putting myself down, and speaking unkindly to myself. I also noticed that my mother did the same, and would also put me down at times. I started speaking encouragingly to myself and stopped putting myself down. I also told my mother not to put herself down, and not speak down to me. I have noticed that the behaviour has stopped, and I also now call people out and tell them that I won't be spoken harshly to. It may be a bit intimidating at first, but I find it greatly improves self esteem and inner calm. Treat yourself well, and expect to be treated well by others.

I needed to hear this. Thank you. Here's to hoping my show goes well.

Thanks. I really needed that ❤

Alain de Boton is such a gift to the world and one of my favorite philosophers... his content has gotten me through many crises for years now. From the bottom of my heart - thank you!

Abandoned by my father and constantly reminded, neglected by my mother in desperation of men, and the death of my step dad in front of us, plus a shit ton of other stuff, was too much for me not to protect myself that way. I will say this with therapy and going back and healing yourself, ty mushrooms, you can recover. The critic will always be there but much quieter and less often

Great insights on silencing the inner critic. One effective method entrepreneurs can apply is the 'five why's' technique-keep asking 'why' to each answer to drill down to the root cause of self-criticism, which can often reveal underlying fears that can be addressed more constructively.

WoW! I really loved this one. Especially the metaphor of letting the inner critique float away like a note in a bottle. That is is a very good example.

Great video. Thank you 🙏

Thanks for reminding me of the idea my psychiatrist and counselor taught me. I will keep trying to title the inner critic part for his retirement.

Wow... I needed therapy like this while I took care of my mother. Thanks for the video!

Education and Environment both are responsible for the way we think. Explained very well mate! We are programmable beings.

This video came at an absolute perfect time in my life

Thank you so much for this❤

Thanks school of life, videos are soothing and insightful, and provide much needed sustenance in this starved world

Thank you for this🥺

Great message.

this video is amazing thank you so much

2:59 "Better to insist that one sucks than to have to believe in an amoral chaotic senseless universe" Because assigning blame gives you understanding, and assigning it to yourself gives you control (both things we crave in all aspects of life), or at least the illusion of having those things. I feel the way out of that is a change of perspective, realizing full control is impossible, and ignorance is (to some extent) something we all need to deal with (omniscience is not a human trait).

I've honestly felt this way throughout decades of life overall

Such an awesome way to view our inner mechanics. Forgivness is key!

I was a Christmas puppy, beloved and pampered and always the center of attention till people got tired of me and I became a burden and a drain instead. Then they remembered that I was unplanned and unwanted and so I learned to minimize myself because people wanted to forget I existed at all. So I tried not to. From this, I of course concluded that I am the most horrible possible thing. What else could I conclude? And to this day, I feel the same way, although on a good day, I can remember that I have good points too. But that inner critic can be awfully loud.

This film is massive for the the South Asian community! Never seen anything like this in Hollywood (talkkng about stereotype taxi indian driver here). Dev had loads of issues with production, covid, budgets & still got it to cinemas. Some of the interviews he did talks about it. Can't wait to watch it!

I love your work! ❤

I feel like a loser because I am physically disabled, never dated and don’t have a job. I am 38 now and it is getting unbearable.

🙏 Thank You!!

Thank you ❤

Psychopaths and sociopaths feel nothing about the world. The rest of us suffer because we feel it all. In sport they say that it's not who wins or loses that's important but the taking part. Thats why nobody remembers who came second. But on the positive side, a nice person once said that its not what you say that people remember but how you make them feel about themselves. In life a smile and a kind word go a long, long way.

Thank you.

The question is why are these type of videos always refer with people with careers and that work in offices?

I love that you guys dontt blame it all one someone specific or at parents, stuff happened and you can say it as it is..

I love this channel!

i don’t think of myself as a loser but people have been calling me a loser since i was a child. i think society has a “loser” problem and community is a win.

My dad always quoted Eleanor Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent".

Thanks

My inner critic does something invaluable for me: it offers a complete, unsympathetic evaluation of my failures. It provides me ample situational examples where others do far better even in much more complex or daunting situations. It lets me ruminate and determine situations where I should apply more effort or simply remove myself to prevent further damage or distress. No one else is as well equipped to condemn my thoughts and motives, nor do they have the time. No one else has the bandwidth to even notice, much less remember, what I or anyone else says or does unless it's especially heinous or impactful. Why would I dismiss the only comprehensive critic that I have, however biased it may be?

This can be true, but some people feel like losers and are rational in their assessments. There's a beautiful song in the show Hazbin Hotel, "Loser, Baby," that has the following lines: 'There was a time I thought that no one could relate/To the gruesome ways in which I'm damaged." Later it goes "It's time to lose your self-loathin'/Excuse yourself, let hope in." So many of us, when we look at our lives, do consider ourselves losers, and saying "you're wrong," isn't always correct. Sometimes what we need to remember is we're not the only person in this situation, and maybe we can do better.

The ending is just 👌🏻👏🏻💜

During my whole childhood I was the target of bullying. In the eyes of others I was never good enough. Now as an adult I tried it overcome those feelings and find new friends. But it is very hard. The few friends I have are in relationships and don't seem to have time. Every time I receive a No, the feeling feeling of not beeing worthy to spend time with comes up again. And I fall in the same mechanism I learned as a child: Hiding and withdrawing.

Thank you. This really healed my heart. Thank you. I wish you all the love in the world fornyeligt all💖

My therapist explained the exact same thing described in this video. After the 14th session, I myself came to the conclusion that I may be a narcissist because of how I tend to externalise my inner critic's toxicity by deeply focusing onto other people's imperfections. I pointed out the imperfections of my ex which today I deeply regret doing and I still keep thinking about the imperfections of other people who are close to me. In my next session with my therapist, I plan to read to her what I wrote on why I feel like I'm a narcissist and why I developed this habit of looking for the imperfections of others. I believe it's a way to shield me from confronting this harsh reality that I am imperfect myself in many aspects and protecting me from my reflecting on my interpersonal interactions.

Beautiful video

My childhood has been well explained in this video. I am writing a story about it. It’s very critical in one’s development. Achieved a lot but I still feel like a loser.

My Elder Brother Always Make Me Feel Like a Loser! He says I have Theoritical Knowledge but I am not Practical!

Nicely done.😊

This video made me tear up

Not everyone who has this inner critic issue grew up in a troubling household. I grew up with a very good family structure with lots of support and love. Yet I still have this issue with an inner critic. I feel that this resulted from interactions with my peers in school. I wasn't necessarily bullied because I used to defend myself if anyone tried. But I never really got along with many of my peers. I always felt like an outcast or weird compared to most people. Everyone else seemingly got the manual for socialising that I didn't get.

I took nearly 60 years to find out I wasn't the error in the system. But the good news is that only that early assumption got me to where I am now. Having spent my whole life improving I can only smile at the daily challenges that make other people despair.

This needs a part 2. So, is this why so many are driven for awards, money, fame, power, attention? Is it all an attempt to prove we are not a loser?

I still have these voids from things that have happened also as an adult. Why this, why that.

Dear school of life I wish those videos for once would stop using the “parent left, parent hit me, sibling dies” extreme examples. There is also us, who grew in seemingly normal families and suffered as well.

still strange to transition away from totally sucking or feeling a complete loser as an adult. instead of saying all of me sucks, it's now certain situations or things i say that eat at me later little by little. THAT sucked or i could've said it better in THAT situation. it's no longer a totality but still not tossed aside. you have to be aware of it on some level to hopefully improve your situational awareness or collapse all cares from moment to moment. not sure if i'm ready to feel nothing in that context. the cool, calm, person we see in others are exceptions to the rule or limited to the time we spend with them and seems like a proper strength you don't have. the tearing down and building up is exhausting, and feels like i can only witness it rather than have control.

My husband died and I've never had luck at relationships since. My mom and my sister killed themselves and I have stupid cancer at 41 and can't seem to just get right. I have consistently dropped a level of comfortable living and I feel like no matter how hard I work I cannot get ahead. I feel like I'm honestly meant to suffer... or as I euphemistically reframe it, get a lot of character building experiences ..

Nailed it.

Indeed it's helpful and I am subscribing for more!✌

My new insult to throw off my enemies - “You are a piece of nonsense”

that hit hard.

Instead of denying we're losers, let's recognize and take comfort in the fact that most people are.

For me it was neither my mom nor my sister they are the best family ever and always hype me up and make feel loved, my childhood bully who degraded me literally from 2nd grade to 7th grade made me so so insecure about myself that now even though I am in 12th grade now I still have bouts of self consciousness and feel like nothing.

@2:59 - This right here.

It can be so difficult to accept that we didn't get what we needed in childhood. This very situation may cause us to view people as either good or bad, and we seldom want to view our parents as bad. But learning what was missing and giving it to ourselves now can help us to accept that nobody has to be good or bad, that we all have the potential to help and harm, and that we can live meaningful, fulfilling lives without blaming ourselves or others.

I always get recommended videos like this...

I'm kinda feeling in between "doing my best to stop loathing myself, be proud of myself and having more self-esteem" VS "I am lacking and somewhat a loser, and not successful, because I'm 28 almost 29 and not fully 100% financially independent, as I still get support from my parents". I really want to become totally independent to the point I wouldn't need help from anyone and be fully happy and fulfilled by myself only, but in this actual economy, it's so hard to earn good money unless you become a corporate work culture slave and work yourself to death, which I definitely don't want.

What made me feel like a loser was the grades and results I have achieved all the time. Even at nearly achieving my masters, I still envy others who gained better grades than me even at this stage.

Good video.