Off topic , but your dogs always want to be around you

listening to this video in the background as i'm editing a paper that's long overdue precisely for all the reasons discussed here :''''') needless to say i've been dealing with a lot of shame lately and this video is extremely comforting. it's easy to feel like everyone around you is breezing through their assignments and you're the only one basically suffering the torments of hell. even though the fact is i've met way too many people who've had full on mental breakdowns over schoolwork

Cinzia you always steal my heart and are so correct I let little opinions get me down in school but, that was so long ago I can't blame myself or the lecturer for it. Obviously this is uni and I see your point it's very thoughtful of you to share this, people who are self conscious and have soul destroying doubts in academia need this, as it thrusts upon young minds alot of expectations. On top of critique

Was in a similar relationship, we stayed friends but it kept eating at me. Kept telling myself she’ll come around… she didn’t. I was so angry when I found out she started dating someone else. It made me spiteful and bitter. I hurt her trust as a way of trying to get her to feel what I was feeling. What I did was wrong, I’ve learned for me its better to get out of those situations then staying in them.

I can definitely relate. At one point in my thesis, I had such an intense repulsion towards my own thesis, that I had to set a timer for 5 minutes, to take a look at my instructor's feedback, and then I had to take 10 minutes break. Then another 5 min, and then 10 min break. That is all I could do... But 5 minutes is better than 0 minutes, and eventually i build it up to 10 min, then to 15, then to 20 and 25, etc. You've got this! PhD will be hard, but you CAN do it

Thank you for sharing this advice. I also went through these problems, and some I still experience. Every word I needed to hear, and will carry with me from now on. ❤️

I fear writing develops a habit where I communicate robotically so I chose to "wing-it* everytime to continue having the genuine interactions

Really needed this! 🥹 Thank you…. ❤️❤️

I spy with my little eye Ali Abdaal's book. Would you be willing to make a review? And for the topic of your video. It hits so close to home. As you pointed out, we learned we are not worth to help ... I think that so many of us, pursing degrees, writing dissertations, looking for a job in academia, came from homes with demanding parents. And that turned us into perfectionists with fear of failure, rationally knowing that we need to "fail" i.e. make mistakes, learn from them, taking feedback as just that and not as a negative criticism. We need to be beginners to be able to improve and become good. And to make it worse, we generalize it from being bad at writing to being a bad person, a stupid person. You said it all in this podcast, I would just appeal to Matilda, and all of you who viscerally felt this, find help to process the traumas that made you feel unsafe and unworthy.

Here is my two cents. The thing that everyone has to lose is perfectionism and the desire to be admired. Live by the rule that it will never be perfect but it can always be improved and then gauge how worth your time is versus the time to improve it. This is a skill and an art that all of us have to learn. The other point I wanted to make is about pleasing others or being admired. Eff that. Your work should be to please yourself and your passion. Of course you will have standards of grammar or other things but in the end, know the standards, meet them and then do your work to please yourself. As for writing, do a first draft and just spew it out as garbage. The best writing is in the editing, lose your fear of creating garbage, it's inevitable. Michaelangelo got an ugly rock and took away things until he made David. Make your first draft the ugly rock and you final as good a David as you wish. Value your time don't waste it to please anyone else but yourself.

As a writer, I’ve noticed after a couple of years of receiving feedback it’s a skill in itself, and one a lot of people don’t master. Especially when someone is a beginner it’s important to tell them what they’re doing right, because those things are strengths they can build on. Once they know what they are, working on what can be improved is much easier. It’s sad that so many people have years taken away from them and need to take many detours because it’s harder for the majority of people to praise than to tear apart.

You have no idea how lucky you are to have a schooling system that provides (even harsh) feedback. However gut wrenching it might be, however difficult to navigate these waters, at the end of the process you come out better for it. You actually learn. You actually have a degree that means something. In my country, PhDs are a shameful degree, where most politicians plagiarise without hesitation, where professors don't give a rat's arse about what you write, as long as they get paid. This is how they keep people in school without schooling them. Literally everyone has a multiple diploma CV (at high level universities) without actually knowing anything from the field of study. And even if you want to do better, even if you want better feedback, you want engagement from them, you want to actually get a diploma that means something, the system will absolutely defeat you. This leads to a deprofessonalised society where mediocrity is in high demand, where knowing something is seen with suspicion, but where, paradoxically, only those with schooling in UK, US, France or Holland are seen as professionals.

In what country? Where are you? Paying rent eating and paying tuition all out-of-pocket and minimum wage.? England. Maybe idk

Thank you. I needed this. I tried to study physics with dyslexia.

Thank you for this !

I always told my kids they would never learn anything if they were never wrong or never made mistakes. Because that meant they were never reaching above their comfort level.

I would tell my 20 year old self this now; it's so incredible how hard we are on ourselves. Especially if we were victims of abuse and trauma. Thank you Cinzia

Thank You for this video ! Your life story is somehow similar to mine and I feel seen and heard throughout your video !

I also have the fear-of-no-doing-everything-right-in-the-first-attempt-becaus-getting-things-wrong-is-forbidden. Getting rid of this fear comes in the form of placing my worth in the right place. And understanding why I exist. And understanding my place in this world. First, I needed to clear the foundations so that the house could be properly built. I still fear, but it is disappearing. ❤

As a lapsed perfectionist myself, I applaud your guts in delivering something this candid ex tempore. Well done.

Run from college!

I always got the best possible mark in my German essays (native to tongue), but when I got another teacher I suddenly got a 3 (C in American I suppose?). It took me 3 assignments to get back to my usual grading because this teacher just wanted things done differently.

Thank you for this video! I've always struggled with writing for uni, but things got worse now that I'm doing my masters and in my first semester I received feedbacks that were very unprofessional, my mistakes were met with cold irony and side eyes. I felt truly humiliated, one of the professors of that seminar even yelled at me, saying she was very angry with my mistakes. I couldn't speak so I started shaking. I have struggled with talking to professores before, but never like this. I left the classroom in a hurry and cried in my friends' arms outside, convinced I should just give up, convinced that I wasn't good enough to be here. Every time I opened a blank document to strat writing I thought of that feedback and I could not write. I felt like a failure, I was afraid someone would yell at me again. I would always hand in my first draft as well because having time to actual read what I had written frightened me. So I would write in the days before really fast and send it without reading it properly. I still struggle with shame, but having classmates who have been through the same kind of feedback from those professors and talking about it with each other made us actually grow stronger together and that's how I made my first friends here. I just wanted to say that it is important to remind ourselves that we are not alone and building a support system is vital. Professors are biased (some male students get praise just bc they are men; some professors are xenophobic even if they think they aren't; etc) and they are not perfect, so it's not fair for us to be struggling with mental & physical health due to our own pressure of trying to be. I still struggle *a lot* with writing, I was watching this precisely bc I'm currently behind in my assignments and started feeling anxious and alone with these feelings. Usually before submiting I try to send the essay to a friend who does the proofreading, they are really sincere with their feedback so I feel more at ease that way! So I wish that everyone that needs some extra courage to write has a friend like that to help. I hope Matilda is able to handle her assignments. I will also try to just write what I have to write. Kindest regards 🤍

Really great advise! ❤

thank you so much for such a compassionate and uplifting response! 💕

More beautiful every day 😍 ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

For me, I had to stop rejecting my own potential and core self and start accepting I was ok as I was. There was a meditation book I liked called 30 Days to Overcome Fear of Rejection by Harper Daniels that I liked.

"I don't believe you have the competence to carry out this research" is the frase that nearly imploded my academic career. It was said circa 5 year ago and become so etched in my soul that till this day I wrestle with it every time I start to write, like a self fulfilling profecy that curses my brain, the favourite quote of the little impostor that lives inside my head when he tries to undermine my work.

I've never hit 'subscribe' so fast in my life!

I'm so glad I learned to be selective when it comes to external validation. Truth is, most people we meet simply don't align with our values or tastes, we should accept their point of view is different and that's that.

I wrote a series of novels where the main character was an anti-hero. About half the readers absolutely hated my stories, and about half loved them. There were almost no readers that had no opinion. Writing for university is going to be very different than writing for general readers, but the result is the same, opinions will be everywhere. For me, the most important element in getting feedback on your writing is how it makes you feel. If the feedback has your fingertips itching to get back at the keyboard to implement the ideas generated, then it is 'good.' Everything else doesn't matter. Unless, of course, you have to please a specific person/professor, of course.

I needed this so much ❤

Great vid thanks. 😊

That was so good! I wish someone told me this when I was doing my BA. It would have saved me so much grief...

Imperial yoke

Academia is an imperial yoking system. It has been for thousands of years.

This is so inspirational. My life has been uprooted because of a similar reason. And I needed something like this to give me a boost to go on.

Thank you for diving into the psychology of writing. Now i cant resist to offer some words of advice and perhaps solace. I wasn't much of a writer out of college but landed on a job that allowed me to produce large amounts of texts over the years. Here's what i've learned. I sucked starting out. You may too. It's okay. When you put in hours, nights and years you will get better. I promise it will change. Feedback helps if you're lucky enough to get good comments. And i don't mean praises but thought out comments. If you're not lucky you can develop reflection and self teaching skills. Writing is like talking to yourself anyway. Hope you don't mind me disagreeing but i think it is not possible to write a perfect sentence when you have a first go at it. A sentence is not a work of art. Think of it more like a raw material you need to massage. Maybe clay. Don't fall in love with your perfect sentences. The rest of the paragraph often force you to change it. Don't try to form a complicated long and smart sounding sentence at right away. Just write something. Anything. Write down the thought you have in your mind. Questions are good thought process starters. What's the definiton of this term? How does different schools of thoutght see this? What does the guru of this field say about this? Is this theory largely applied to this subject matter? Learn to love editing. You see how it gets better by every tweak you make. Write knowing it's bad. Come back tomorrow with fresh pair of eyes. See what's missing, what's n the wrong place, what belongs together, this idea would be better following this bit.. Learn the core concepts of your field. Read new scientific reports and absorb their choice of words and style. Think of the level of abstraction you want to set. Write down terms, theories and names of scinetists a you're not aware of. Find out more about them. Ask your professor what does he/she think about it. The insecurity and fear of critisism slowly morphes into a need to share your thoughts and hope someone would read them. The satisfaction of handing in a paper you've been overwriting almost obsessively for tha last few days.. is the best feeling there is. P.S. I let Copilot to take a look at this text but didn't post it. It wasn't my voice there. It was too perfect and too polite. I like to leave it a bit clunky and cheeky. Where's the fun of writing if you don't need to think yourself? To me writing is a form of thinking, learning and making things clear in my head.

I'm in my mid 40s and I wish someone told me what you've said here 25 years ago. Would have saved me a hell of a lot of pain. Thank you for making and sharing this. 🙏

Such a powerful video. And yes, academia IS for the curious. I love this.

Damn, I felt like I could have wrote that letter. I didn't, but that was the place I was in just a few years ago. I worry that I'll end up in the same place when I go back to finish up school

I’m hopeful the Neuroaesthetics movement will excite the neurons in the folks that need to be moved so the Rubrics change. Yesterday the terms that got reduced to overly woo woo are the way forward.

This video is so beautiful 🥺 It will help not only the letter-writer but so many others as well. Thank you 💖

Thanks!

God I wish I had watched this video during my academic years. So helpful and heartwarming. Thank you ❤

Wow, I had the same issue in school. Nearly flunked out because of it too. I still have a fear of writing that persists even after I managed to graduate with a GPA in-tact due to lots of retaking classes to turn them from Fs into As as I got better at least forcing myself to hand stuff in (and I always got near perfect grades and got complimented on my writing and arguments!) and yet!

This is great. Thanks

Easy shhhhhhhhhhhh

How does one make the transition from external self worth/motivation to internal self worth/motivation?!

18:40 Cinzia. When the time is right, perhaps this individual deserves a polite letter from you to remind them of something they should have known and perhaps did know in the first place. No need to be afraid. You have right on your side. They gave it to you cold and unconstructive so give it back and explain to them " I think you dropped something that is yours. I wont be needing this. " 😊