💯

been there, done that, you totally have a point here. Additionally, it's easier to fixate on what could have been than work to have a normal relationship. Because relations, romantic or not, require some degree of work. Or go through the same process you've been through, believing that the result will be better this time. It may require admitting to ourselves that we are just ordinary people and this was a completely usual situation that happened a million times before. Maybe that is why it was so hard to move on for me,

The fantasy is better than the reality. The fantasy has been filtered of nettlesome complicating details that happen in real life that ruin things. But the fantasy remains perfectly clean and purified, and while it does serve the same dangerous role as an addictive substance, it does the same job: marinate your brain in lovely, lovely dopamine that gives you a reason to wake up in the morning.

Basically a drug addiction

True

No we do not.

I think that we create drama in these situations because it is our emotions speaking louder, because we actually care about the other person, I think that is okay to make healthy drama, but the important part is just to get over it. Getting over or just accepting the truth can be really hard, but It is really helps you on future relationships a lot.

A lot of us don't have time for drama

@@user-qt3dg3qn6x we must accept it, nothing wrong with that. Only then we can stop clinging to it so tightly.

@@christiansnaturestudio6599 yet, we still love it

He said he didn't want to talk to me anymore, felt used and played with. I had to break all contact for this reason....he never reached out...well of course.

wow. Perfectly said.

The hot cold hot cold brutality is the worst.

So true. We were inseparable for several years, I even met his family and his grandmother bought me presents on major holidays and then suddenly... nothing. He actually tried to convince me that we were never more than friends and when he said that I was like okay, whatever man. Years later (like 15 years later, he weighed on my heart for that long) the person he dumped me for (who I was actually friends with and she was innocent in this so I remained distant but friendly with her) reached out to reconnect and she filled me in on how he held me up as some sort of shadow over their relationship. I was the one he always spoke about and how insecure she had been comparing herself to me and that he never presented me to her as "just friends." What the what? Good riddance. He eventually lost her, too, with his BS. That conversation with her was so cathartic. I'm in a healthy long term relationship and I'm still in touch with him but that spell is completely broken, he is a sad, lonely middle aged man who has nothing.

Yep, it's painfull as hell. I know my ex had feelings for me, it was obvious, declared even. But those feelings were based on the belief that we completed each other and we are so similar that there won't be major differences between us. Which, needless to say, was wrong. But his sense of security was built on that. I knew there were differences between us, we had several in-depth conversations about it because I knew we had to sort things out eventually. Nothing very drastic, mostly I wanted to move in eventually, he woudl rather to live together apart. I'm sure we'd find some compromise. But he felt it only once we had our first argument. Nothing big or important, I would have forgotten about it easily. The day before he said he can meet my parents and asked if I need any new furniture at his place. He said he loved me. But for him, the argument was the evidence that the differences between us are drastic and we can't sort it out. So instead of having a normal convesation with me, he distanced himself, then withdrew his emotional engagement and very soon I was no longer important to him. We had a conversation to clear it out, but when I was focusing on the areas to compromise, he was still talking about differences. I thought it will work. He was still declaring feelings, and if you care for each other, you can at least try to make it work, right? But then he stopped even to talk to me, without a warning, untill after 2 weeks, I had no choice but to break up with him. Even then, he claimed he still has feelings for me which I doubt, but we just couldn't work together. He wanted to remain in contact, but very soon dropped even that. It was a month ago, and the relationship only lasted few months, but I'm still not over him, not even close, and he moved on even before we broke up.

I used to not have any problems in my love life, the average unrequited love like anyone else, some failures, some successes, but now as a middle aged man (I somehow slipped into my 40's according to my driver's license, but it may be trying to trick me) I can't even endure the pains of unrequited love because I just don't meet anyone. I'm really turned off by dating apps because it feels like a meat market where I am immediately devalued due to disability and while it should be easier to find someone with similar interests and outlooks, I have found just the opposite. Since you mentioned your age I wanted to ask, if I may, did you date post 40ish years of age? What was your experience if so?

@@prussiansocietyofamerica Are you ok? I think what you said is more than a little concerning, especially given the topic being discussed. It just seems a good bit out of place considering the discussion and context. Learning from negative experiences is hard coded into human nature, it is why a child will usually only touch a hot stove once. It is not only present in humans, but in other animals as well; they learn to avoid negative and painful stimuli from experience. If that wasn't the case complex life might not even exist. I also really worry when anyone describes others as "NPCs." Life isn't a game and this is a frequent tactic used to devalue other lives, reduce their meaning, and decrease their value to less than human, which can allow for extremely dangerous ideologies and uncharacteristic actions to manifest. Everyone's inner private life is just as in-depth and meaningful as yours and discounting the experience of other people to that of subhuman, by thinking or referring to them as NPCs, is extremely detrimental to forming interpersonal relationships and not becoming further isolated. Often it can be social isolation that can cause these types of harmful ideas to be embraced in the first place. I'm not saying any of this to be mean. I don't intend at all whatsoever to make you feel bad or induce any feelings of shame. There was just something about what you said and its phrasing that were really concerning. I do hope you are doing well and in a good place. If not, perhaps think about reaching out to a local professional or consider contacting NAMI, which is a great resource in the US. You can text "HelpLine" to 62640 to get connected to resources. I hope you are well and have a great evening.

Thank you for this

@@jeremysmith4620 I have never really done the “dating” thing, just waited till I met someone organically. Consequently I’ve been single for most of my life and that never really bothered me. I’ve never tried apps. I did meet someone in my mid 40s (through work) and we saw each other for 2 years or so. It didn’t work out in the end but was a positive experience, we are still friends. I met my wife in my early 50s (through a shared hobby) which was the greatest stroke of luck :)

The good people all have other people. It's just selfish to want anyone to pay attention to you or acknowledge you. You deserve no love, if it happens great. But speaking as one of those out there who has not been on the receiving end of love for a longer period than maybe a year or 2, people's affections are temporal and no tie brings loyalty. Your family will scorn you, then the rest of the world, and then thankfully and great fully you get to finally die. Born into hands that passed me off until I was able to walk then im supposed to do everything on my own. I do everything on my own have no need for anyone else but this gnawing hole inside me from having to pay someone if I want a conversation or a hug. Legalize euthenasia, I've seen the deal offered in this world and death is far kinder a fate. Ready to die, truly begging for it.

You're so welcome!

I think an exception would be if you're capable of getting over it. When I moved into my college dorm a few years ago I became part of a large friend group. Eventually one of my friends I ended up having a crush on but I knew that we would not be a compatible relationship and so I just allowed myself to move on. Since then I've had no feelings for them in that way and I'm glad I was mature enough to value my friendship

totally agree. I learned it the hard way

Then wtf do I even do man

@@SonicXtreme99akaCreeperMario confess bro I know it's harder than it seems but you would have your answer if she is not interested move on to the next person she is not right for you like in the video don't waste 3 years of your lifetime on maybes

It sounds like you were dealt a very tough hand in life. Of course you deserve that coffee date, that kiss the 'I really like you'. I sincerely hope you find someone one day and that all changes for you.

heyyy you don't need to feel that way about yourself!! you must definitely would have your own joys and unique qualities that make you YOU. you are certainly not destined to be single, but the time you have with yourself, love it, enjoy it, cherish it. listen to that song you love listening to, eat your favorite meal, watch the sunset!! when you fall in love with yourself, the right person will soon come in your life too :) best wishes my friend 💗

it does get better but sometimes it take a long honestly

It does get better. I had someone like this for 10 years and the worst part is we ended up dating after 10 years just like I wanted but it went up in flames. I’m fine without him in my life - it’s actually way better. But what I definitely learned is that men are never friends - there is no point to have men as friends. You either date them, or make them acquaintances. Anything else is just a waste of time and energy and keeping you from real love.

@@loganrun6010 If you don't mind my asking, why have you come to the conclusion that friendships with men are pointless? In my view, it's more than possible to have a mutually beneficial platonic friendship with someone of the opposite sex, or indeed the same sex in a homosexual context, so long as it's clear things are exclusively platonic. Friends can uplift us in amazing ways if you have good ones, and imposing such arbitrary barriers on who is or isn't eligible for friendship seems kind of strange to me. But perhaps I'm ill-informed. I'd be interested to hear your perspective.

@@robomojo8639 correct me if I'm wrong, but I've heard that men mostly approach women (in heterosexual context) not only for platonic reason, but also for pursuing relationship, or maybe vice versa (the women approach men first). If one of them confess their feelings and turns out rejected, both of them will be going into the "awkward phase" and mostly the platonic relationship will ended up quickly. Even if it's requited/accepted, when the romantic relationship is broken, it will ended up badly and mostly both of parties will be cutting contact of each other. Sorry if my English is bad. I'm not a native speaker.

dont worry youll get past it had a similar situation with a girl I like at about month 7 I barely think of her anymore; and when I mean I don't think about her its more like I think about her but the pain is gone, and its not like a reoccurring thoughts of why?????

you have something known as limerence. The worst part is it makes us crave attention from unavailable people and drives us to get their approval.

@@tresha6563 Lmao yep, I somehow found the Wikipedia page for limerence a while back and I was like holy shit, so there IS a name for this and it ISN'T normal. I mean, I'm over it now, but it really did take years and there's definitely still moments where I stop dead in my tracks and think "oh yeah that was a thing"

You never forget.

Yes I agree. Because I'm sure that when one party develops feelings, the other one almost always becomes aware of it at some point and enjoys it. It's a satisfying feeling for them.

To be fair in a lot of situations the other person doesn't even know that you like them. You may feel like you gave them all the signals but most people prefer when others are straight forward. It's best to be honest about your feelings that way you can see how they respond and if they're honest then you can more easily move forward instead of playing a weird guessing game or "what if" scenarios in your head.

i feel like this has to be specifically about men.

The “breadcrumbing” could just be them not fully picking up on the fact that you like them, and wanting you to make the first move or a fear of rejection.

Are you breadcrumbing your friends when you ask them to hang out or send them a meme? It only happens because you allow it and if you are not in love with a manipulative sociopath, it is just your imagination grasping at straws and trying to find hidden meanings where there is none.

Why does that quote sound so familiar?

Why does this sound so familiar?

It's probably on a tee shirt lol

That happened to me. Hes was a friend to me and i had feelings for him, but i was just a client to him. The best thing to do is cut off any contact

@@estherasth client??

@@estherasth client?!?

I guess u just have to forget, try not to see that person in a romantic way. think of this person as a friend who you have great admiration and affection for, not passion

This happened to me, I told a mutual friend about my feelings in confidence and they told me they thought it wouldn't be good if we dated. I realized it was probably true, and I decided to just let myself move on because without the hazy view I had before clouding my feelings I realized we were def not compatible for a relationship. I just gave myself a little bit of space and it ended up being completely fine. For several years I've had no feelings for my friend that I used to have a crush on and I'm glad because I'd honestly rather have them as a friend and be with someone compatible

See, I tried that, but this being HS I eventually asked them if they'd go to the prom with me. My best friend. Lmao. They noped out hard and here I was thinking that "ripping the bandaid off" was the right call. I'm totally over it now because it's been just about a decade, but goddamn did getting over it completely take a long time.

and here's the other thing, that man will always see people as a means to an end. this story gives me the idea that he's likely manipulative and objectifying, rather than honest and communicative, if he couldn't be bothered to be open with you about what he wanted. you probably dodged a major bullet there honestly. that's the trouble with crushes, I think there's a lot of pedestalizing and building up an idea of this person, so much so that we miss a lot of cues about who they actually are. and as for the fear of being alone, look at previous generations' high divorce rates. there was never some golden age when everyone was happily coupled up, they did it out of fear and it made them miserable. we're just figuring that out BEFORE we wreck our lives lol.

You guys sound sexist. Men go through this too. I'm a man and I've been through this

@@joshb7326 No one said men don't/can't experience the same thing? I was sharing my own personal experience. I am a woman who had an unfortunate experience with one man in particular. I certainly don't think all, or even most, men are this way. I have been happily married to a wonderful man for 6 years now. It's absolutely true that there are women who do the same thing unfortunately.

this is not gendered. if anything it's worse for men because they are both more expected to "persue" and women are less likely to outright reject someone for risk of hurting their feelings and keep people around because women prefer having a larger social circle than men, prolonging the pain.

@@Sam-es2gf you just made it gendered. It's horrible out there for everyone, and horrible for different people in different ways. If you want to reverse what you said, it's horrible being a woman and feeling like you have no right to hit on someone you might like because you assume they want someone younger and instagram model hot. Nobody is winning out there. Nobody. And even the ones who find someone who is great for them still go through pain in their life. Nobody wins. We all suffer.

Mutual love is rare and can't be controlled from one person

I’m in the same situation. Best of luck :)