I knew a very jealous person for about 30 years. They are and always were very controlling and they perfected the art of impenetrable reasoning. Their conversations were very limited to their "areas of expertise", and my oh my, they have a way of artfully expressing how stupid they think other people are. I could not help but notice how small their world truly is. But mostly, did you ever notice these folks have no sense of humor! Just saying!

Just four minutes into this video and you have described my defensive nature perfectly. I detest being having my opinion or reasoning questioned. I am extremely territorial, and I hate being patronised. I recognise these traits in myself, but I often feel justified in my defensiveness.

The surest way to piss off a human is to invalidate their suffering. Imagine telling someone that their rape is imaginary. Imagine telling someone that their trauma is imaginary. Imagine telling a parent that the death of their child is imaginary. Imagine telling an African-American that slavery is imaginary. Oh the horror, Leo! But please, stop playing stupid. As upsetting as that may be, it does not change the fact that those things are imaginary. “But Leo! How dare you tell me that my suffering is just some game I play!” Yeah, well… you play some very serious games. But just because a statement pisses you off does not make it untrue. Just because something hurts like a bitch does not make it true. And just because you’re in a nightmare does not make it real. This isn’t bad news, this is actually a doorway to salvation. All suffering is imaginary. This is completely unacceptable to the finite self. Because the finite self’s modus operandi is the avoidance of suffering. Which means it has to take suffering as real. To invalidate the self’s suffering is to invalidate the self’s material reality. The realness of suffering is baked into the very core of how self constructs reality. This is not merely a psychological thing, it’s a metaphysical thing. The point of spirituality is that at high enough levels of consciousness it allows you to see through the illusion of suffering and trauma. This is salvation. But don’t go trying to tell a human that her suffering is imaginary. That will only make humans hate you. Because the finite self is incapable of loving Truth. If you could love Truth, you wouldn’t suffer in the first place. The finite self would rather live in a self-constructed hell than surrender itself to Truth. Notice this about yourself: you are a suffering and drama addict, and you refuse to give it up because it is completely intertwined with your definitions of reality. It is this way because suffering keeps you alive. If you didn’t care about suffering, you would not survive as a finite human self for very long. Suffering is the greatest illusion. All God has to do to fool someone into believing that something is real is make it extremely painful. Then 99.9999% of people will never question it. Humans are too biased and immature to accept this. They want their suffering validated. They want their illusions validated. This is the human condition. Humans are puppets pulled by emotional strings and they cry, kick, and scream like children at the suggestion of cutting those strings. Waking up requires growing up. Isn’t it amazing how the greatest news you could possibly be told - that all your suffering and trauma is imaginary - is received by most humans as something horrible and insulting? Truth is way more serious than people are ready to handle, so usually its best to keep it to yourself. When someone comes crying to you about their misery, you give them comfort, not Truth. An important lesson in your spiritual journey will be learning to meet people where they’re at, not where you’re at. I’ve made this mistake many times.

🤦‍♀😂I call it going into “ Eore” mode…..

Jealousy / Envy ……such ugly colors on people.

Not all personalities deserve empathy. The Bible says that greed is the root of all evil. If you are envious, you are greedy and not satisfied or grateful for what you have.

These are some of my favorite videos of you. Thank you. Dr.Cater.

How about how much they love you and you are so special, then 2 days later you are ghosted.

I know you aren’t necessarily talking about narcs. I’ve met someone like this. Whenever they realized they were wrong they would scowl at me. All the know it all attitude is just them trying to make themselves feel better about themselves. Insecurity is an illness.

I had no idea that people were jealous of me and i thought lots of stuff was my fault. My mother was had jealousy and envy and was vicious and backed up by my father. It was so crazy and i was blamed for everything and I had no yardstick for jealousy. For e.g like if one only recognised aggression when a person was screaming and using an object as a weapon.

Thank you so much I so needed this no once talk about this not so important but yet very very important issue effects our health and wellbeing.

I don’t mind and or have problems with authority but only a must in limitations and not expoundedly.

Absolutely incredible content. Thank you!

After 18 years i got to the point now that i don't communicate with him and stay silent because he has always dismissed what i feel it somehow tends to go back to what he feels and thinks and then it seems like im always talking about "me, me, me" because he never acknowledged how he makes me feel...it's always "that's not what hapoened", "I didn't say that", "nah u shouldn't feel that way, "no i wasn't angry or mad" smh im just over it no words im done! I don't see it as silent treatment i just realized there's no point in constantly trying, im getting too old for this so 🤷🏽‍♀️

I spent 28 years in a marriage, enduring silent treatment and rollercoaster moods and engagement/disengagement that would flip in a heartbeat... I stopped being codependent and he DARVOd me, making me out to be 'the controlling, manipulative, unsubmissive wife.' I did the pleading and begging and allowed his own injury and dysfunction to totally define and engulf who I was.... I totally lost myself in his issues. He dumped me and moved on to another woman during the divorce process and married her three weeks after the divorce was final🤯🤯🤯 Was he simply an avoidant attached person or was he also a person with vulnerable narcissistic tendencies mixed with Avoidant?? Kind of a "Which came first? The avoidant person or the vulnerable narcissist???

I have a family member who is like this ahe jealous of me always wanted me to get into trouble

Thank ful for this message

Dear Dr. Les, I just found out my uncle Walt passed on Tuesday of last week. No-one one contacted me. Dad's brother, my Godfather. Someone should have contacted me. I realize Dad has a lot going on. But his girlfriend should have contacted me by text or phone: nothing! I left a message after unblocking Dad's phone. I hope he won't be sore at me for saying I would have appreciated some notice. I didn't mention the source of my knowledge(I don't want to cause that person trouble). Why do I have to chase after Dad and his people? I didn't even get a text from Dad's girlfriend about my uncle. Their lack of effort is pathetic! It's a very cliquey family on that side. They(not all) expect the world to revolve around them. I don't do that. Dad's the problem in that equation. I doubt I'll drop everything to suit their convenience. I get that Dad's/his girlfriend's number was blocked, but it's unblocked now. What if Dad gives me a hard time and wants to know how I heard? I won't drag the source of the information into it. Dad or his girlfriend should have contacted me. He lives one town over from me. No excuse for not bothering at such a short distance. Dad expects me to know, intuitively, what goes on, I don't know unless I am contacted. His girlfriend could have at least texted or called me; nothing. This is discouraging. Yet, Dad expects me to be there for him/his family at times like this. I am not the Amazing Kreskin. I don't read minds(if he does, great). I feel annoyed that I was not in the loop. Even if he had called or come over(without calling first, which is my boundary), I would have let the boundary go in the case of my uncle's passing. Dad's girlfriend did not call me. I hope Dad isn't annoyed that I said I would have appreciated some notice. I put it nicely. I am afraid he will ignore or yell at me for that comment. He should have contacted me. Like Rodney Dangerfield, and I paraphrase here, Dad shows me no respect. Help. I am opening myself up to his (Dad's) problems/abuse. His girlfriend could have contacted me by phone or text. I doubt even if the number wasn't blocked, that either he or his girlfriend would have contacted me. I deserved better than this! Dad expects me to jump when he calls(seldom) and pander to some of his brothers. According to Dad, it is all about them, their convenience, that gives me a headache and the fact that no-one is bothering now(I get that Dad is busy), but if he doesn't contact me/or gets upset with me or demands to now how I know(no-one is encouraged to have anything to do with me. He thinks I need his permisssion to contact his family). I am 60, I don't need his permission, but he could have asked his girlfriend to text/call or one of them let me know. I dont know what goes on with him and his brothers, yet he expects me to know. Am I out of line for expecting at least a text or call? That's not asking much. I know. If I ask him why I was not contacted, he's likely to be a pain in the ass about it. As well as narcissistic and expect me to pander to his schedule. He's unreasonable. Considering his brother was my godfather, I would have expected more from Dad's girlfriend, Dad, any notice!

6:55 do You mean primitive?

My identity was stolen by a covert narcissist. I'm a Greek goddess and they hate it.

DA will make you feel like a butterfly that gets burned every time it goes near the light bulb!

I became a shut down person after I was harrassed in the train by a homosexual. Since then I never go out without a Hoddie, a black face mask and a killer stare in my eyes. I only talk to women. Man nowadays are all gays and I don´t want to have anything to do with that.

This is very helpful thank you

I have been given the silent treatment for 3.5 months now, and have pointed out it is abusive...and wr have had several counselors concur. He wont listen. . It began with a comment that I made...which was wrong and I immediately apologized. But since then, I have had all past stuff thrown at me..and has given abusive jabs (verbal) himself. When I tried to communicate, telling him I was hurt by his behavior, I was told (by his occasional texts), "stop turning this to you. You are not the victim." I have been very harmful and abusive even in the past, due to issues with emotional dysregulation when im hurt.. But I am in counseling and have made major attempts to change. Change is a process though. He insists on perfection, all the while refusing to own his actions and the effect his actions have. My feelings are always downplayed and dismissed. I am an anxious attachment style, and have been awful at keeping boundaries. He really has thought, a long time, that i will just take what he gives me. As im trying to work on myself, and heal my issues, i am not wanting to grovel and beg anymore. The longer he has gone, the more angry he becomes. I believe he started intending to punish me and expect me to grovel enough that he felt fit. I didnt do it enough. I was accountable for my wrongs and apologized, but i apparently didnt hit the amount of pennance that he felt i needed. Now, after he has seen that i am not resorting to "accepting" this behavior, i feel his pride is what keeps things going. I give up 😢

OMG

They can be jealous of a person with a nice personality where people gravitate to them. A jealous person hate when someone else shine's bright effortlessly. They have to try so hard to be notice. My coworkers are like this and it's a lot to take. They are needy and looking for attention.

So accurate …

I don’t mind jealousy

God, thank you for Dr.C & this free lecture to help us folks out here with the controlling critical narcissists in our lives. Thank you Dr. C for helping me take my life back. Amen. ❤

I’ve either admired or been happy for those that have more than me and tried to find out how they achieved those things and could never understand envy but now I get it.

Excellent explanation of the reasons people are controlling, not feeling necessary, not liking other people having independent thoughts.

Basically, avoid avoidants. It’s exhausting

“They give the appearance of wanting to be normal, but in fact, they’re just not gonna do it” 🤣🤣🤣

I was defensive and still so because as the family scapegoat I was always defending any thing I did or said. I was constantly wrong mules and accused me of being the wrong one. Took me along time to let it go. Still dealing with Narc sibling who is programmed to continue scapegoating.

Sometimes people shut down bc they don’t know if they are being manipulated or not and are frozen in how to proceed

Excellent video. Thank you!.

Given the fact that it's usually an anxiously attached person that gets into a relationship with an avoidantly attached person, it's only fair to say that both individuals should work on their inner wounding and the reasons why they developed these insecure attachment styles in the first place, because that's the only path towards secure attachment. It doesn't do either party any good to point fingers at eachother, but rather use that energy to self reflect, do some therapy if needed, and discover why they developed these attachment styles as adaptive strategies in childhood.

Do avoidants get yriggered easy with black smd white thinking and will slways finish with you, ghost block etf my ex gf has CPTSD its akways me who trues to sort the remationship out once we split..

My ex gf has CPTSD amd easily triggered she is aways fibidjing the relationship sometimes justly but mostly over the slightest perceived things..Very black and white thinking...Im always blocked etc and have to go round hers and attempt too salvage tge relationship iver times the argurments have got more frequents after 3 years it's been very on and off..We had z fight two weeks I was dumped, u trued too sort ot out I was sent packing then I was blocked thrn unblocked and now blocked again !? In this cycle I'm always beating myself up and apologising etc.

Thank you. Very helpful

Lot of the people who run markets have to play by rules for inventory. Otherwise doesn’t happen. I cornered around 45 markets last 2 years. The businesspeople? I got one old buddy. Businessman. He controls selling what inventory and when to households. Sort of a Steve Jobs type. I sell sports cards occasionally. Got a lot of inventory. I just sell whatever randomly.

They DON'T make mistakes.

Well... Sadly, Depressingly, Disasterously, my husband (soon to be ex ) is 9/10. And it took me 11 years to figure this out! Omg

The fact that they use being mistreated to mistreat others is what is really frustrating

It sounds more like narcissists

Dr Carter असले विषारी झहीर ली लोक स्वतः क्या हातानेच कर्मा ने च स्वतः च नाश ओढवून घडवून आणतात ज्याला इंग्रजीत आपण such mad insane animalistic barbaric brutal unconconcious violent people the psychic energy within themselves destroys them snuffs their lives out what an utterly utterly sad waste of precious human lives

Does anyone think about the jealous person? Why are they that way? I don't think anyone wants to 'be jealous' just as i doubt anyone with addiction wants to be an addict. While i agree its important for the partner of a jealous person to have boundaries, i think it's cruel to write these 'jealous' folks off when their actions and need for control most likely come from some sort of trauma, most likely in their childhhod. I dont advocate staying with a jealous person, especially if in danger, but instead just to realize they are human beings, too, and most likely just want to feel loved and good enough.

Wish i had looked into this so much earlier. Had a relation of almost 9 years with someone like that. I would describe myself as an empath who was willing to give his all to help the woman i loved. It was clear right off the bat when we met that she had endured some trauma in her childhood but would never talk about it. Even went into full tears or rage when trying to talk it through. So when i thought i couldn't help here anymore she always made it seem like she was going to get professional help but she never did. There was always some excuse. Absolute avoidance. The first 3 years were fine otherwise. Intimacy and what felt like real love. Which then slowly degraded to a point where there would be only regular small kisses of affection and nothing else. No more Intimacy for the rest of the years. She always told me that it was on her and her mental health and me hoping for the best accepted that while she assured me she would go to therapy and work it out. Then after 2 months of absolute avoidance she told me that she'd leave me because there wasn't any love left. Tore me into pieces. If only i had found apd beforehand i would have probably quit years before. So if you're in a relationship like this please take care of yourself. Don't let someone like that drag your feelings into the mud. And as much as you want to help you cannot fix their problems and bring back love. There probably never was any love to begin with only some kind of temporary foundation in life. Bless you all and wish you the best.

Thank you so much. This video was very helpful to me.

Enticements I wonder who ?