If they can get you to chase their validation, they can control you. That's the whole game.

I grew up in a home that was full of invalidating behaviors. It’s only now I can look at myself and accept that I don’t need anyone’s validation; I’m valid to myself for myself.

* Complexity baffles them * They are psychologically lazy * They are displacing their inner tensions on you (there can be only one!!) " They are stuck in an immature, adolescent mentality

"Don't let the narcissists establish who you are going to be" is quite profound.

As the youngest and the only girl I was always “too little.” When I grew up I married into a family in which I never felt like one of them. When I made attempts to participate in the conversations there was no response except brief blank stares as if the flow of conversation had been interrupted by an irritating noise. Then they would continue talking to each other as if nothing had happened. My husband treated me much the same for 30 years. We were never friends. Imagine the way I must have felt at the age of 70 when I began having a friendship with a man who actually enjoyed conversations with me. I fell in love in a profound way that I could never have imagined feeling. He is gone now and I miss him, but will be eternally grateful that God allowed me to know such a good, decent man.

Indeed. Invalidation and gaslighting are evil companions of the narcissist.

It's hard when it's your family. There is a cycle of creating one person each generation that gets picked on. I'm not going to participate.

My feelings, my thoughts, my suggestions were invalidated constantly. When I finally understood what I was dealing with I walked away. My final words were if you think Its ok to disrespect me then there is no relationship.

It helps to remember to treat narcissists as those suffering with mental health issues, so don’t allow them to mess with your mind.

I was there. I know what happened. I saw it I heard it. I felt it. I have a witness. God is my witness. Amen.

Invalidating shouts that the relationship needs reconsideration as to its worth .

Start validating yourself and do as much good as you possibly can in this evil world!

He used to interrupt me mid sentence, "wait wait wait, you are not making sense." He'd say. How does he know if I can't finish my sentence????

In other words, they are just setting you up, right? They love getting the reaction out of you so they can say, "See! You are the one unstable!" If you can pick up those clues, you can learn to walk away and not be drawn into their belittling attacks. Good strategy. ⚘

Very helpful to hear him say that these invalidators are “black & white thinkers” who don’t like complexity or complex ideas. That explains a lot because I am a super complex and creative thinker who comes up with innovative solutions. Also, helpful to know these people are often stuck in middle school when it comes to social skills. I always felt a bit guilty for thinking “how immature!”...after they basically call me an idiot.

It is sadism to enjoy causing strife and invalidation

Yep. Psychological laziness, describes my family, perfectly.

They’ll never take you side, whether it’s an issue with a work colleague, who is bullying you or taking advantage. It must always be your fault.

I never get or ask for validation, yet I'm constantly validating them, not anymore.

My earliest memories were of being screamed at by both of my parents for having an opinion of the color of a rug and other minor things. They were so bad that I learned to shut up and freeze at an early age with occasional outbursts of anger and chronic depression and anxiety. I’m learning to feel okay about expressing myself at the ripe old age of 62. It’s an amazing and freeing feeling and I plan on staying this way.

I've know so many people over my lifetime, who were brilliant, who excelled in so many ways, but because they had been invalidated, over and over again, it drained them of any wish to make a better life for themselves. It came out as anger, or selfishness, or some other bizarre characteristic that disabled them. Sad.

My mother.. completely unable to discuss anything. The only topic she’s comfortable with is the weather or how awful something is.

Stu in England here. Saying thank you again (a thousand times) to Dr C and others that have posted comments. Nearly 11 months into being free from a very destructive narcissistic girlfriend, and only discovered these vids a month or so ago and it's really helping me to complete this journey. I knew something in my thinking was missing, and Dr. C (and Lisa Romano) gave me the answer... Understanding, knowledge, acceptance, re discovering me, focusing on my own qualities and ability to have and maintain healthy relationships with others... Thank you all so much. Had a solo weekend away on motorcycle last weekend... Felt fantastic and depended on no o e but me. Couldn't have done that before. Anyone on the healing journey... Hang in there... These vids will help you and its SOOO worth it. Thank you everyone

”Don’t let them establish who you want to be.” I must write that quote on my wall and remember it daily.

This reminds me of the day (after 13years) I kept my power rather than being baited into yelling to be heard: He was doing the usual criticism, and I stood there calmly and said I didn’t agree and what he said was false. That made him mad. He screamed something at me, I don’t remember what, and it felt like he pulled his mother’s skin over me and was reacting to that. I still calmly kept my power. He stormed off, acting like a five year old. A week later after another one of these scenes, I kicked him out. I was done. It was very scary to be alone after losing all my power in the outside world, but the amazing thing was, I met new people who took my words seriously, called me talented, and gave me realistic feedback. I was on my way back to health! The scars are there but rarely bother me. 😍

Invalidation can strangely seep from family to school to the workforce. Almost like clockwork. It takes a calm self image to navigate through each phase per se and recognize the almost predictable immaturity of others. This isn't stubbornness or arrogance if the criticisms are invalid. It's knowing who you are. Better to have few quality friends who respect you than a back breaking quiverful of fake-friendly people hissing behind your back.

Our only weapon is kindness.

I’m validating that I was invalidated numerous times, probably before we were even married , but didn’t understand that that was what was happening to me. Pretty much all of our marriage.

I get invalidated all the time and I always think you know what these people are just rejecting themselves

As a remorseful serial invalidator, I found this perspective so helpful; I recognise the black/white thinking, and the origins in family/work. Learning how to respond to assertiveness and cede control I’m working on - resolve is not a problem but tackling long-held habits is. Your videos are valuable and comforting.

I'm loving that you're posting videos on this channel again, it means we get a dose of Dr. Carter almost daily now. :)

"psychologically lazy people" well that explains why my parents spent their time making fun of people who chose to study psychology, in order to discourage me to do so...

That's why I'm here Dr Carter. Reprogramme my thinking from childhood?.. Look forward to your dulcet tones Dr C :)

I was trained/raised to believe that my feelings/thoughts were always wrong and do not matter. Knowing what I do now, I am able to see through invalidation and move on. This video was very helpful in giving me more insight and understanding. Thank you.

Yesterday I interacted with a cousin who invalidates all the time. I told her something I knew to be true based on documented evidence and she responded, that’s your opinion. I said no it’s the truth. She said it’s your truth. I wasn’t going to let her get away with making me feel awful so I said it’s not my truth, it’s the truth. I still felt bad because there are so few of us left, I’m 73, after all these years she still believes she is better than me and I must remain inferior.

“I don’t know what to do with nuance.” Exactly.

Can’t be invalidated if their opinions are invalid to me🤣

The aim is not to be impressive, the aim is to work out who is worth being impressed by

My mother knows nothing about me. I'm just her extension in her mind. She thinks my husband and kids are fair game for her. No boundaries.

I validate myself now!

They tie you in knots. it's as if they're just playing a game with you. Iv'e said it over and over again, it's just a matter of avoiding them if you can. Anyway it's a bit like watching the news they're just oppositional to whatever is going on at the time. As we would say in Yorkshire England, any road for an argument.

I’m married to one that thrives on invalidating, It’s as if my wife enjoys the process.

My narcissistic ex friend always wants to "talk", insisting I come to her whenever I have an issue. She will insist healthy friends talk things out. The reality, however, is that her talk isn't a discussion, it is just her completely invalidating me and basically giving me the "my way or the highway" presentation. That's why she's an ex-friend.

I can’t tell you how much your talks have helped me the last few weeks - processing why an ex partner should remain an ex partner. Thank you thank you thank you 🙏

Say thank you for showing me your true colors and do whatever you can to get out, or get protected.

My sister is such a bully Narc & she has cultivated some sibs to be her flying 🐒. She even tries to "tell me" what my own memories are! 🤯🤣 How crazy is that?

It’s hard for me to be as uncaring and indifferent as they are when I’m dealing with them. It’s not in my nature and it makes me feel bleh to do it, but I see now that I must if I am to survive this.

After a smear campaign launched against me by by narc brother, sister and their flying monkeys, I was discussing my feelings of anger and sadness with my mom and she said, “I’m worried about you?” I told her, “don’t be worried about me, worry about your other three children who are hell bent on destroying me, something is seriously wrong with them.” Yep, I’m on to them!

Thank you, Dr. Carter, from your eternal sister in Christ somewhere near Seattle. That person is my 82-year old mother. Dad and I joke about the old Willy Nelson song: I'm so wrong again. Just can't wait to be oh, So wrong again. Life with mom is not like making music w my friends. Just can't wait to be Oh, so wrong again. How dad put up w her for just over 50 years is beyond me, and my 4 sibs. No wonder why we and so many others stay away. She has become a bitter, old woman. TY, Doctor. I will forward your channel to as many people as I can. Including my 4 sibs, my Insurance Broker, my mechanic who runs a 16-bay shop, etc. Hoping to help grow your channel. Much love, gratitude and respect from somewhere near Seattle. ⚘🙏❤🙏⚘

jokes don't hurt & are never at another's expense. I'd say I can take a joke when no one is put down, discredited. I know when a joke is a healthy joke. therefore I stop speaking from then on.

Can I just tell a wild story. Before even subscribing to this channel in 2020 I bought a book called the anger trap. Little did I know Dr Les was the author. I only opened and read the book after going to therapy and it not helping to make sense of the anger I felt from having a narcissist mother and my father abandoning me before I was even born. This was around 2022. Only then did i realise that ive been subscribed and watched his channel. All I can say is this book has help me makes sense the rage I felt and help me process these uncomfortable feelings because that’s not something i was taught. My therapist noted I swallow my anger with food = binge eating. Mainly because I couldn’t place my anger anywhere else. I do have moments where I overeat but not like I used to. This book changed my life!

Wow!! And you just keep on giving in a TOTALLY appropriate manner..My dad died in April and it has been pure he.. It is soooooo hard to look at yourself and see that all your life choices have been made on seeking validation from others/that your two marriages were based on love bombing that of course went away/ that really right now there is NO ONE who would stand with you/stand up for you..All you have is yourself and nothing you have given matters…Buttt on the lighter side…I will learn this lesson and I will grow..I can change no one but me..Soo thanks .. OUCH..THANKS🤣

"Emotional storms" which we have experienced teach us the following: it is less important how much bad experience we have or had in our life, but it is more important how/way we have experienced them. After these "storms" we can be invalidated in many ways and feel emotionally broken down. But, don't forget every "emotional storm" is always sign or message sent to us with an aim how to improve something inside us. The road made of: rebuild healthy self-love, self-esteem and self-confidence leads to healing. Dr. Carter, thanks. Looking forward to Your advices!

This precisely describes painful memories that I've been working to heal. Memories of experiences that make me physically ill. I didn't understand at all the personal attacks that eventually cost me a career. This preso in a nutshell is deeply helpful. Thank you.

The man of God called Job comes to mind, he lost everything but he would not let go or turn against his father in heaven, Job had everything restored to him. People can and invalidate you and do but God does not cling to him, Amen

Father, sister, bosses, ex husband! Whew! I am finally learning what the red flags are and control my reactions to them. Left my invalidating, gaslighting, controlling, black & white thinking, covert narcissistic husband a few months ago. Tomorrow would've been our 34th wedding anniversary. Now it just D day again

' At the very least, there's one person in the equation that's going in the right direction', ' be the healthy alternative' and 'in those moments that's when your healthiness has the best chance too show up ' are phrases I will try to remind my self of when dealing with the invalidating person in my life.

I remind myself about this every time when I meet them. I stop giving then the narcissistic supply they want from me. I must become ”nasty, terribly selfish” and not to care that they say so. When I am unhappy and feel bad, then it is not selfish: Then I am just crazy, an idiot, fool etc. So, whatever, I am always something bad, not enogh of something, whatever I do or whatever do not do. Never enogh of that something that they want.

Big house-building project. I am the creative one and give ideas, draw sketches. No discussion back. Then he just does what he wants. Invalidation over and over. I felt like a tenant and said, Do what you want, I don't even want to know - whatever. He is not mean, he is disengaged, dismissive by default. He is insular and clueless when it comes to validation, and how to share ideas. I cannot afford to care or invest my emotions in this project. Giving up. This is bad for both of us. So, tell me when it is over.

The only thing that has worked for me is to stay silent, walk away and completely ignore what they say or do. Be fearless because in front of you they will try to look superior in every way possible. This one can't stand that I don't let them into my space anymore. It's killing them.

I've always felt like I've been treated like a second class member of the family by my 3 oldest siblings . They treat me in a manner they wouldn't treat eachother . One of the ways they invalidate me is when they claim I'm ungrateful even though I've always told them thank you when they did something for me. It's as if my words are falling on deaf ears or they value so little the things I say that they forget them quickly

He runs the ice maker or the garbage disposal while I’m speaking. I tell him it’s rude. Later, he runs the faucet while I’m speaking. I tell him it hurts that he’s not listening. He blames me for not speaking up. For not getting to the point of the story faster. For talking to him while he’s trying to get ready for bed. So it’s all my fault that he’s dismissive? It was eerie how this hits home for me. He is every one of these things. And every time I tell him how I feel, he acts like I’m just overly sensitive and critical. Deflecting, getting defensive, and turning it around on me is the standard. His mind is made up in his head. He won’t listen. Where does one go from there?

I tried proving myself for years but I didn't know that they were just enjoying the constant rejection they would give me - enjoyed it ! I got bleeding ulcers, anxiety just general health decline that went on till they died.

I think the part where the other person interrupts whenever I try to speak on an important topic fits me.Talkson how we can get along and though it may seem like I try to control my husband all I want is to have him listen.He acts like if he does he's going to die or something!!

I've watched many of your videos this past year in lockdown , this was the most poignoint for me ... my thoughts my anxiety and how I view myself has really changed because I've been able to explore and evolve xxx thank you Dr Carter as always xxx I'm hoping finally I can really put myself first xxx

Dr. Carter you're a gift to the world! Wonder if you know that you're helping people from all over the world. I appreciate so much everything that you do. Greetings from South Brazil

My mother law is incapable of this. YOU ARE A GODSEND!!

"So THAT'S your idea..." "Is that the best you can do?" "Try not to mess it up this time" "I wish you would have listened to me"

Ok, we just spent a day with my family! "How stupid can you be?" Dont know, still exploring that.😁

Invalivadtion-The grand deflection! OMG! Think I found you just in time to help me manage my parents’ declining years!! Thank you!!!! More on parental need for control and denial of their reality!!!

Yep, ‘psychologically lazy’ is the best description to give the narc.

I REALISED AFTER WATCHING DR LES' STREAMS I HAVE BEEN APOLOGISING TO ALL THESE CONTROLLERS IN MY LIFE FOR THEIR WRONGS, NO MORE APOLOGISING I'VE GOT TO CONFRONT AND STOP APOLOGISING, PEOPLE PLEASING! GOSH THIS IS LIFE CHANGING!

My narcissistic relative WON'T discuss anything. I just get the silent wall, told "I know I can't change you," but they can't tell me what I have done wrong. It's all just about invalidating me and making me feel so stupid and so inherently disgusting that she has "nothing to say". The closest I"ve gotten from her is "I don't know why I'm so conflicted." She finally entered therapy over two years ago, but I"ve seen no effort to mend fences with me by beginning to make any sort of effort. It's all still just TOTAL CONTROL, which at this point, means intense silent treatment.

Dr.C you look really good in the orange shirt!!

Im 65 yrs old and have no desire to go through anymore invalidation with anyone Too many years of the BS!

They will start an argument with you in front of others. If you say ANYTHING they will escalate and everyone in the room will be uncomfortable and perceive that YOU are bickering EQUALLY with the narcissist. The only defense is to say nothing and back out of the room. But they have spoiled your conversation with the others and given them a bad association with you.

Absolutely. I have only recently recognized that i have a lifetime of getting myself into relationships with this type of person/ involvement in organizations lead by these type of "invalidating" people. So I'm in the process of leaving my second church in 3 years because at this point I don't have the energy/ skills to deal with another pastor/ minister that is messing with my mental health.

How does one “Just say no” to a spouse of 20+ years that one simply can’t or won’t leave. We have tried counseling but can’t afford it year round and he always reverts to his default setting of dismissiveness. This topic had me in tears when I realized I have been invalidated my entire life. And especially when you demonstrated what healthy people would say to each other.

Thank you Dr Carter. You give voice to the situations I've experienced and have been trying to heal from for a long time now. Being invalidated, cut down, gaslighted, ghosted, manipulated, controlled is a horrible way to live. But we can't just blame the invalidator / abuser. The responsibility is on both parties. The invalidator is going to do what they're going to do no matter what. We are not responsible for their behavior, they are. My responsibility as the recipient of such bad behavior is try to try to deal with such behavior in a mature fashion. I love your suggestions such as telling them, "tell me why you think that and I'll tell you what I think. Maybe we can come to some mutual agreements". I believe this is a skill like nearly everything else. The only way to become good at the skill is to practice. And that means dealing with these situations again and again. And that is frustrating but the end result is worth all the effort because you have a skill that will serve you the rest of your life. The other skill which is difficult for me, is to see the situation for what it is - which is sometimes just hopeless. This skill is--- learning to just walk away, literally walk away from the abusers bad behavior and situations that are not solvable. It is gratifying to develop these skills because there is an inner sense that you have awareness, treating yourself well with respect and self-love, and not reacting or keeping the same pitch with the other person's immature behavior.

I like the gentle way of teaching abour healthy relationships ..many thanks dr carter

I love your positive, constructive, self empowering approach. Enjoyed this one! So very insightful, as usual.

It sounds as though invalidators and manipulators are closely related.

Dr. Les, thank you for teaching us how to join "team healthy" and doing so with such insight and humor. 💟

Yeah, in my family it was, “it’s just Judy” whenever I did something they weren’t happy about. Followed me my whole life.

Thank Dr Carter. Dr, Laura and youtube, the last decade my peers just confused me so much. I'm sorry I get hurt about faith. Confusion clears. I felt moral panic when I can't measure up. They say it's a lack of faith. I know to grow where I'm planted. I didn't reply. Pray, be mindful, stay here, remain in accountability mode, existential therapy is helping me find my place inthe world. Listening here educates me in self trust. I was confused by so much. Staying here helps me become a author of my life, applying lessons I heard here. Thank you!!

I have been invalidated and I have never been better!💝

You wanna know the invalidator's favorite quote? "That's life."

"a mark of disgrace or infamy; a stain or reproach, as on one's reputation"

My mother snapped at me as we were walking out of the house. I told her in text message that I wanted a reason for why she did it. She said we could talk when I got off work. I get home and both of my parents went to bed uncharacteristically early, and she didn't say anything to me that night. The next morning I sit down to talk with her, and she's "too busy" to talk, yet when I'm leaving for work (not even an hour later) she's just lounging on the couch on her phone. She said she, "doesn't have time to bicker about whether feelings were hurt." and claimed that I want her to talk to me like I'm a child. When all I asked was for her to not snap at me as we're leaving the house, out of nowhere.

So true...Great video! Thank you so much 🙂 ⭐

Baylor girl here who cannot adequately express my gratitude for you, Laura, this channel and the community you have built. Perhaps you know, but I'll say it anyway: the first little inkling I had that my family of origin was dysfunctional was literally the thought, "Either I'm losing my mind, or they're lying, or crazy." The hardest part, initially, was the surreal feeling of being detached from actual reality. And I actually really struggled for years after that to be more communicative, more attentive, more generous, more submissive for years!! When I finally did a Google search of the aggressive, hurtful, name-calling, humiliating, etc. characteristics, I found this channel and learned that I'm not alone, not losing my mind, hearing things, an incompetent communicator, or deficient person. That made all the difference in the world and set me on the course of truly healing. It's taken a few years, but I'm becoming more and more able to lovingly, calmly separate their dysfunctional shenanigans from my core self, which is firmly on Team Healthy. Many thanks to you and your team, including Gus!! Much love and gratitude to y'all!!

Thank you Dr. C, (as I visit my family for a week) you are the best!

Dr Les I love watching your videos. You make so much sense. You make life so much simpler to navigate. Please keep posting I look forward to seeing you again soon!

I go into an angry rage when I feel invalidated 😡

Yes, when I state my true thoughts, the amount of times I have heard the response ''I'm shocked'' or ''well that was unexpected'' or ''I'm surprised you say that''. And I'm thinking, why are you so surprised??, what I'm saying is a perfectly reasonable thing for me to say. It's usually at that point, however that they seem to know they are loosing a grip on me, so I use their statement of ''I'm shocked'' as confirmation for myself that I'm on the right path away from the toxicity.

Wow, this is great advice, I noticed those who consistently invalidate are poor listeners, narrow minded and lack self awareness. It is really sad, but frustrating to deal with. I would recommend limiting time and conversations with them, but some times you can't.. I learned to just agree to disagree or even say, thank you for sharing your opinion/perspective and leave it at that.

Its weird how your words get twisted in their ears, they never hear what you say, only what they choose to hear...

I had a boyfriend who, when I calmly tried to bring up a concern of mine, just looked at me with a slight smile like he was looking through me at a little bug on the wall. Then I realized I didn't have to be nervous about bringing up a difficult subject because he wasn't going to take it in.

Thank you so much for all your episodes. This one was eye opening for me. I have a family member who relates to me this way and my feelings got hurt or I felt I had to defend my choices. I’m going to be even more selective about what I say from now on. . .Here’s to talking about the weather . . .

My X and his mom were hugely invalidating but they Loved that I was the opposite. I still wonder what was wrong with me that I allowed that in my life? I grew up being seen, heard and valued. My family loved a good debate, but not them, it damaged my self perception. I was married to x for a long time, and it cost me so much emotionally and physically. Looking back now, it was profoundly wrong. I tried to stay objective but as I was separated and controlled more and more because I had to pick my fights. If you stay with narcissistic ppl long term they are good at first micro controlled then majorly controlled. The x and his parent systematically removed me from my support system (friends and family) slowly but absolutely. This behavior was of great concern to those who cared genuinely for me, but I did not listen, lost my will to fight for me. Ultimately thins ended, I left and things got Ugly Fast. I’m more than 3 years out, and have gone no contact, never ever want to be there again.