What your dad said was not insulting. So it was easy for you to see a possible good side to it

My father has started to be very disrespectful. He has two previous unsuccessful relationships (my mother and after that, another woman, both 20 year relationships) and with both women he was good at first but after a few years started to be deceitful, and dishonest with them, ignore them, etc. because he had gotten tired of them and just wanted them to ‘go away’. Even though I am his daughter I feel like he is now treating me the same way. He has started to insult me, and when I call him on it he claims innocence, ‘oh I was just asking you a question’ kind of thing. It is hard to take because his dementia/cognitive decline isn’t significant….it began some years ago with poor decisionmaking, lack of ability to learn important things, and some selfishness….now he says socially inappropriate things, hurtful things in front of strangers, he ‘over shares’ personal information rather like young kids do before their filters really develop. Interestingly, I have training in personal care and dementia care and can deal with demanding or inappropriate clients or patients without problem….but when its your own parent, things are very different.

It is astonishing that anyone with repeat bouts of dementia are not necessarily considered non competent. If they are not aware of reality, there are various ways they could put themselves in danger. Hopefully, this changes soon.

Get out of the presumptuous assumption that women are the only caregivers; Men do as much if not more - they just don’t play victim or complain - hence no pity party 🎊

Celebrating you addressing this “taboo” subject. I would love to talk to you about my and my spouse’s experience with his mother.

Am applying for mom who is widow of veteran. Do I use her data to complete online forms or my data. I am applying for her because she has very poor vision and cannot read almost anything. Certainly not able to hear to talk on phone.

They are big liars

State id instead of drivers license for us!

Thank you Sofia for some wonderful advice! I am one of 5, but the only one who lives close to my 99 yr old mom. I am, most of the time, the only other person she sees. She won’t go to the senior center. I tried having someone come in a couple of hours a week. Mom threw a fit when she found out I was paying this person, even though my brother had talked about it to her. She didn’t remember that conversation at all and said she just wouldn’t let the lady in. So I let the lady go and have been trying to do everything myself. She thinks she can do everything she has always done and I am afraid she might get hurt trying to do something she shouldn’t. She told my 28 yr old son she was going to take an old microwave out to the curb. 😮 My husband and I are setting up a camera system to check on her when I can’t be there. I sure hope she remembers that conversation! She loves the game Farkle and we play almost daily. She sometimes doesn’t remember how to play, but this is a peaceful, fun activity for both of us.

Do the VA benefit opportunities extend to spouses of former veterans?

This is just excuses for bad behavior. People have to adapt. My mother babbles endlessly. It's her fault and her responsibility to control it.

What if your 88 mother doesn’t want to socialize? All of her friends have passed away. Her brothers and sisters are in bad health. She is the good health. I’m an only child. I have hired someone two mornings a week. I’m tired. Please help!

Unfortunately their binge watching extremist commentators / hate mongers / zealots on the media have made it almost impossible to engage them. They've become situationally unaware of the reality around them. I had to leave after being there less than an hour because it was so toxic.

Thank you, I have Medicare A&B, Medical (in CA) is a nightmare! I was Medi/Medi and everything was covered, now Medical forces you to pick a managed care plan, Cedars doesn’t take any of them. So maybe I need an Advantage Plan from Medicare, if I understand you correctly…

Great tips and helpful information

Doing A Replay

You're AMAZING!! And soo kind....thank you sooooo much for your help. I'm on top of this to file......Good luck with your journey as you care for your father also

You need to mind your own business it's two sides to every story and you don't know everybody's Story how was you raised

Im only sibling out of 3 that is doing care. I'm the oldest and the only girl.

Thank you so much

My father is almost 90, he is nearly blind, MLTSS is threatening to remove him from the PPP program. A nurse wants to evaluate him to see IF he is qualified for PPP. What do you think ?

5:00 minutes in. My answer is YES my parent WOULD have asked me to do more and more and more and more 20-30 years ago. 🤦

4:47 1. Do they have all necessary information? 6:07 2. Can they communicate their decision? 6:44 3. Ability to appreciate the outcomes of their decision 7:42 4. Do they have logical reasoning?

How you do that with no help

After going through so many of these same experiences and feelings with my mom and dad I just was absolutely worn out. It was not that I didn’t want to keep them at home but two parents near 90 was too much. I thought so much about what happened and they were falling and not eating well. Mom had two major surgeries from falling and dad couldn’t take care of himself or mom. They both were finally admitted to a rehab center and I was still there for them…this was all during covid and I couldn’t visit with them. I have often thought about not being able to do for them like I wanted but you know when they cared for me and my brother growing up they were both young and healthy and were able to do for us. There is a difference in taking care of family at 67 versus being in your 20’s and 30’s plus we were at school or in activities most of the time. We need to remind ourselves of that when our parents get to the age where assisted living is the right choice. We are still caring for them even though we are not in their home.

You are a great person

Oh my goodness, the story is in here!! Sending hugs to everybody struggling and have nobody to talk to. I'm a big herbal medicine type lady, but don't sell anything and just research. Something that really interest me. Please stay some natural mushroom extracts that are really big right now and research other natural remedies to boost the vitamins and boost moods to keep you afloat. Good nutrition without all the processed junk. Drink natural herbal teas instead of all the coffees and junk they sell at the stores. Ashwagandha is a good herb.. all natural! Lock yourself in a room and play some good vibes on KZfaq or something for even 10 minutes.

Problem is, I always let things go and it just gets worse for not putting the kibosh to it. I find myself trying so hard to do what you say and just comprehend Their brains are not working and I do that. A sad part is I'm doing all this with a 16-year-old also. Trying to satisfy both parents and still have somewhat of a boundary they keep crossing. My son is getting just as stressed out as I am. my dad visits for a weekend and tells me the same stories every time. I even learned to bring something up that he said in the story to try to stop the story, but that does not work with this guy. My son goes to his room because this is extremely boring for a 16-year-old and I can't blame the kid but then my kids not involved because my dad is taking up the whole weekend talking my ear off. I go to visit my mom and I'll hear stories about neg Nativity and kind of temper tantrums . She likes to give low blows secretly but we all know she's giving low blows. My son and I get home or my dad goes home and we finally get a piece of mind by ourselves. It takes two days for us to get back to normal. These situations get us both riled so high now we're even Getting impatient with each other or just venting To each other where we're both both just exhausted. With all this chaos with politics and what's going on in our world, and the school is shutting down and my kids struggling in school with all of it this is not a good time for all this crazy stuff to be thrown at us. It is what it is, but I really feel bad for my boy!!! I just want to throw all the drama in the garbage and just have it my boy and I . I'm just one of those souls that can't abandon family members that were molded crappy also. Look at it like we all have our stories. The situations only temporary. My boy is getting his drivers license and I have been doing the mechanics on his car to get it running safely. Trying to give him things to look forward to get his mind off all this chaos. I got them this car and went broke doing it because I'm trying to set my kid free.😂 kid with my parents are around drive like a bat out of hell to your buddies who give you peace and come back when this shit shows over😂

I'm sorry, but this is the part where I dread things. I understand having compassion and I try really hard. My mom has always been entitled. I grew up in narcissism. She has only been retired for about two years, and her neediness and demands are getting stronger. My biological father who has not really been around my whole life except for a handful of visits and phone calls, has just moved close. he forgets that he left us kids and has come off very entitled. Doesn't comprehend that his kids are a little messed up because he left us with the lady he calls crazy. Duh no wonder your kids are the way they are feisty is you know what. Dad looks at us like we owe him something and we're supposed to just drop everything when he wants to come around now lol he never ran into us, but we're supposed to run to him. Now we have Mom and we are the rope in the tug-of-war who's going to get more attention. My dad has two and my mom is a half hour another way. This is gonna get nasty!!! They're both old and can barely move around so things are gonna get crazy!!!

I have extremely difficult parents. Very possessive and verbally abusive. I am a Christian and want to do the right thing to honor them. I have tried your approach, and I feel liberated. I practice, like you said. My caring and supportive responses don't change my parents, but they affect positively how I feel. I feel calm. I don't engage in arguments or react. I don't lose it as often. I say: I am happy to do this for you, this is what I can do, see you later. I let them deal with their own negativity. The end. No resentment eating me up, no ruminating. I will keep practicing being a ''cloud' to preserve my sanity. thank you❤

Thank you

4 yrs late. But thank you Sofia for touching on a sensitive topic that caregivers rarely speak out about. Its not just Dementia which leads to hypersexualization unfortunately...even side effects of drugs for other disorders may cause that. Guess a male nurse is the best option.. (and that is provided the dad isnt bisexual either.😢)

At least your dad is obeident to doctors. How about dealing with those who wont even listen to medicals?. And yet comtinue siphoning energy from family members in endless monologues. They ask for solutions and when something is offered/suggested..they still refuse to listen. We tell them we are tired but its no use. This elderly just wants everyone to suffer eith them. We ask what their real concerns are...but they articulate only what they think and not the facts. They are not open to professional help at all and expect family members to perform miracles.

I'm raising and giving total care to my disabled autistic grandson. He cannot bathe, dress himself, he takes medicine and will always need help with basics. He's 10 and still unable to wipe his butt, he is unaware of danger and is a runner so to be safe he needs 24hour care. Would I be eligible for help

Mr. President

I actually cry and hurt inside to see my mom going paranoid and nuts. I feel sorry and bad for anyone going through this. It's just tragic to live like this. This is how it ends? Life is sad when the end nears 😢

My dad uses the excuse..."I took care of you when you were little." I think my dad is just narcissistic. For him, its always me, me ,me.

Very good info to have, thank you!

This is off topic, but just thought I’d say…you really are a beautiful lady! Love your hair & makeup. 😃

It’s interesting watching this video over 4 years later. Those days were so surreal! My MIL was in a senior facility. They did great at fishing Covid for so long and didn’t lose a single resident who did get it, but such sad days with visits through a glass door and a Mother’s Day parade around the facility. So glad we’re past that! Didn’t know about how to correctly put on hand sanitizer. Thank you!

Same here, I am badly mentally affected, Seniors are like a dog, I am at survival stage in terms of money, still they always need my attention, they want to go to walk with me at low speed. It is worse to stay with seniors when our own life is not going good

Thank you for the information!

Be cery sure that you are actually right and that the parent really needs to change.

Warning do not manipulate your older parents to control their money that's called elder abuse. It is a crime.

this is a nice video if your elderly parent is healthy and reasonable. most are not unfortunately, my mom is a narc and I have to swallow the guilt and so no. she only cares about getting her needs met. but she has always been this way just worse with age. me saying no is met with rage and she is only nice to me when I am doing things for her. glad I got therapy.

So helpful! When I was the key person for watching out for my Dad some years ago, I always felt less than the best because I couldn’t move in with him to care for him. But I just didn’t have the emotional capacity to do this. I moved him close to me in an assisted living place. We spent lots of time doing day trips and weekends away, which was wonderful. But I didn’t ever feel like I could call myself a caregiver. I think I felt a bit ashamed of that. Thank you for your kind words.

I AM SO FUCKIN OVER IT !!!!!!

Not sure how this works, Is the A&A payment deposited into my account each month?

I hear you all. 😢I’ve been taking care of my 93 yrs old mom for many years now. I can’t leave her and I’m dying while taking care of her. But I started working on myself. Find out why they are like that so I have a more understanding of where they’re coming from. I’ve started exercising, gardening or whatever I like that makes me happy. 😮I also practice being silent,not reacting to everything and I don’t need to be right anymore. This way, at least I’m in control of my emotions than letting others dictate it. 😔

Different States must have different laws. I was executor for my mother, father and wife's estates. The attorney told us we did not have to report or get permission for each little thing. Only issue would be if there would have not been enough assets to pay debts. Check with the laws in your State.