Then they expect you to fix the relationship, and beat you up with every word they can misuse, that you might have said

That’s their tactics right there!! They have no filter, no empathy, devious, scheming people. The lack of awareness is a badge they wear with pride.

While they laugh in your face..

Constantly trying to make me emotionally imbalanced with disrespect of insults, vitriol and anger and a raised voice all the while of accusing me of those very things!!!

Then you slap the sht outta em. Just Playing, not

Good on you. A brave soul indeed. Excellent 💜

Your peace and joy is holy too ❤

good for you dude. sometimes I think about doing the same thing

Good for you! You deserve peace of mind, love and happiness. No-one has the right to take that away from you.

Awesome Ryan, so glad you were able to get out of that!

it's amazing how quickly they calm down when they get what they want. Like flipping a switch.

No, it's not a choice!

@@annekerotterdam7499 Watch how quickly, basically instantly their rage goes away once they get what they want. That's a dead giveaway that it was all a play.

Na Mate ANY Chance Of Them Seeing, Believing or Accepting ANYTHING !!! They Are Saying or Said or What They Did, Doing or Have Done While Lost In This State or After Is IMPOSSIBLE... & Most Likely It Will Be Blocked Out & Not Be Realized or Remembered ... They Weren't Even There During that Time . They Were in Egypt ... Sitting on the Bank Watching That River Flow Bye.... Ahh Whats It's NAME ?? DENIAL..

Not necessarily

Yup. I was married to someone in your same shoes. We backpacked the world away from her toxic family for years...but the narc parent's emotional control goes for beyond geography. Her Dad could just say one phrase over the phone, and destroy a peaceful day/week/month we were having. In fact, many psychs suggest that even when the parent has passed...the ghost of their controls are still present in the minds of the family members left behind in their trail of destruction. All you can do is cope...you can never 100% rid yourself of the pain from the horrors of growing up under their reign of terror.

Hey Stefano, my mother died when I was a young child, too. My father was ok though not too plugged in. I was “raised” by various toxic people, though. I’m afraid it’s completely normal to deal with this stuff all your life. I used to think that my abusive childhood was a motif in my life, but it turns out, now, it was the theme. Not great, but what can one do. Sorry about your raging father. And yes, it’s the enablers who keep the abuse alive almost forever.

@@i.ehrenfest349 Thank you for your words. My mother married too young, had me too young, and left my father twice before she died in a car crash. I had tried to find a middle ground with my father, now old and ailing, in the past 10 years. But his ways reopened memories that were buried or just left in the past. I feel he has not much left to live. His much younger second wife unexpectedly died last year. I realized the false promises, the rages, the manipulation, the egocentrism robbed my childhood and young years of joy, stability, peace. We had some financial comforts, trips to exotic locales, but it was always like being in a minefield. A wrong move would be an explosion of rage, violence and humiliation. I now feel sorry for him, that he is old and fading. If he just had shown some aknowledgment it would have sufficed. I wish I had figured this out earlier. In cutting off for the most part, there is always an irrational aftertaste of guilt. But at the same time I do not want to put myself into these poisonous relationships. Probably I absorbed or inherited some of his bad traits, so i need to reflect and keep myself in check. But at the same time I see also I am not like him. I do not have tot hunger for power and control over others. I like how you compare it to a leit motif vs a theme.

Formulate an escape plan. Good luck.

You have to start recording everything. I have a video of extreme rage and violent behavior. Incredible

Get valuables, guns, and docs out of house. File divorce.

Same. I've experienced that. Getting unhinged in less than a second.

the lower their head and give you a death stare... as if they are trying to control you with their minds scary!!

She needs therapy.

@@thiago.assumpcao Yes Thiago, she tends to avoid it or is too busy but she is saying she will.

@@scourneene If she says she wants it but doesn't make any move probably she is not ready for therapy. Therapy doesn't mean she needs to ditch her family. If she wants to keep contact therapy will help her deal with the problems and support whatever decision she takes about it. Don't try to force her to therapy because it will not work that way. I think it's a good idea to bring it up in moments of crisis when she is more likely to accept. There are several lines. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has faster results and has tips on management strategies while Freud just tries to understand why she behaves the way she does without any input on problem solving.

They are being nice because threats don't work on you. They switch it up when one thing doesn't work. They are trying to recruit you as a flying monkey to continue their abuse of your wife. Many people are sucked into that part of the game and the poor victim doesn't stand a chance. It's hard for your wife since they are her family and it's all she's ever known. However, I suggest getting her some professional help so she can recognize her self-worth finally, and end their abuse. Since it's been life long for her it's not likely to be easy for her to do. If she won't get professional help you'll be dealing with it all for the rest of your life, so you'll have to make a difficult decision. Nobody should have to live in that toxic environment. I wish you well, and wish I could help you in some way, but hoping you're fine, and wishing it to be so will have to suffice. It's hard on you in more ways than you might think. Protecting her, trying to protect yourself, running interference, trying to undo what is done, or has been done for years, is exhausting. You are also probably trying to make a living and have other responsibilities to attend to, so just be aware if you start burning out. You'll know it when it starts, but you shouldn't have to let it go that far. Try to get her to seek help and be there for her, go with her when you can. Learn all you can about the victims of Narcissism, it will help you so much if you're committed and determined to remain in the marriage. I feel bad for your wife, and you! God speed hon.

What a excellent, thoughtful response! Yes it's been very hard! They are pmayi g on this desire of all of theirs to be "together" . They do these big group outings and giving her the vibe like "ah poor you, your husband doesn't come around" instead of thinking of the reasons why (their abusive ways). Thanks a ton for the validation. It's a weird situation, she is very much one foot in bei g a people pleaser to these abusers and one foot with me, understanding the dynamic. Other tines she rather "pretend" or use magical thinking like it's not as bad as it seems but that's when I'm used more as the scapegoat for my decision to go no contact. Thank!

OMG Yikes!!!

She did all that for nothing?🤔

@@goldenlucy2425 Well considering it didn't work, yes, it was all for nothing. But the reason she was doing that was to try to get me to go back into dating her again to try to get more money out of me through a narcissistic mental manipulation tactic called "hoovering".

Reminds me of a time she literally had a breakdown because I wanted to reheat my pizza in the microwave rather than in the oven. While she had a strop in the other room I contemplated eating her pizza as well. I chose not to be toxic. It probably saved me getting stabbed…

That is the destroying of the victims autonomy. Cannot have different favorite colors. Can't look he a certain music. Can't wear certain types of clothing. Can't like food they don't. Can't have even one damn opinion different than theirs... Not only that, but it even has to be stated/expressed in exactly the same way they do! You can express your opinion as long as it she's with theirs, but it better be said in exactly the words they would say or you're wrong! Argue for a long time about the CT that what you said means the same thing as they put it, but you'll still be wrong. In essence you, the victim, become a gargoyle, who is expected to just sit in your little corner, or stand in your designated place, (a little behind them always), and even will have to endure a rehearsal before going to a social gathering, of what to say how to say it, how to act how not to act, who to talk to who not to talk to, and God forbid if it is a social event that entails dining! Funny you dare eat anything they don't like it gave on their plate even if they do like it! You become a mirror of them, the bus you lose your individual autonomy. I am not scared of narcs. I battled one for my daughter, after she enlisted my help when she decided to get out. I told her if she was 100% positive she was done and couldn't be pulled back in, I was in. I realized at 31 she could choose to play his game over and over, so I wanted to be sure she was adamant about getting out and never going back. I asked her to stand down and let me do it, to not interfere no matter how much she wanted to defend me. It was a dramatic situation that lasted six months. I arranged to hide my daughter at a friend's home. They were apprised of the situation and jumped on giving us a hand, (my friend's husband was the victim for 10 years! He's still dealing with the emotional fall out 15 years later, but they work together as a team to keep his healing moving forward). I went to her boss, he was great and understood as he had been witnessing her change after she got involved with that demon. He not only arranged a transfer to a store across town, he also approved a leave of absence for the max that company allowed, 5 weeks before additional approval would be needed) before the transfer would take place. All that secured, I just waited for her to call. She called me on a Saturday morning and told me it would be Monday, he had a job that would keep him away from the apartment until late evening. I borrowed my brother's truck for the weekend through Tuesday. Monday at 7am she called me. I shot over there, thinking we'd had be to lug a bunch of stuff to the truck. Since she's only been with him one year and a half she didn't accumulate any furniture or linens, (he wouldn't let her have anything of her own choosing. HE PICKED THE FURNITURE, LINENS, DISHES, and since he monitored everything she did in the computer even that had no interest to her since none of it she felt was hers, she didn't want it), she had packed all her clothes, art supplies, and toiletries. Easy peasy. When we got in the truck I asked her if I could ask what was the boundary of zero negotiation no go for her was? She didn't miss a beat. She looked at me and just said, "you mom. He wanted me to spend less time talking to you on the phone or having our weekly lunch date because he says it was interfering with our time together. He said you don't like him and will try to destroy our relationship so he pretty much demanded I stop having so much contact with you". I was stunned. I didn't know what to say, there was nothing I could say. I told her the first time I met him he was a narc, laid down to the passes and stages of their systematic taking control of the victims life. I had begged her to just keep her eyes and feelings open so she could know if she'd be able to handle him or not, and I would not interfere since her life is her own, but it's always be there no matter what. The last thing is do is say I told you so. How could a mother do that? I remained silent for awhile, then the pride and love I have for her grew even more than I thought possible! Me!? It was her relationship with me, her mom, that is her non-negotiable boundary?! I felt so special and loved in that moment. She and I have an uncanny ability to just know what the other is thinking and she spoke up. "Yes that's how much I love you mom. I'll never let anything or anybody come between us". Through the moon my heart went! Our friends came and picked her up, and I waited for the phone call. We had waited until 9am to get her a new phone. That was one of the things he hadn't yet controlled. He just hasn't thought of it yet I'm sure. She has to be old one shit down and we got one but had it activated in my name. She was afraid he had placed a tracker somehow on her phone too. So since Lake Mead is less than an hour away I drive in that direction as she tore it apart trying to damage the hell out of it. She set the card on fire to destroy that too. She didn't know how a phone could be tracked so she just pulled ideas of the top of her head to block him from finding her. Like I said, I waited. At 6 something pm, he called me. I wanted to test his mood so I let it go to voice mail. Wow! The fury! Demanding I call him back immediately and tell him where she is! Yelling into the phone that there "will be dire consequences if you do not call me back right now!" Yes he said it just like that. I didn't call him back. My phone rang every five minutes for over an hour. I stopped listening to the voicemails after the third one, but saved them. At 8:30pm I finally answered. He was sitting so loud at me I couldn't understand what he was saying, so all I said when he took a breath was, "Who is this?" Oh man! The shit hit the fan! I still wasn't scared of him. For right at six months he harassed me, followed me everywhere I went, even though he grocery store! He's even come in thinking she and I were meeting there for some reason. He'd walk by me and glare at me. I just ignored him and finished my shopping calmly. He was in his car when I'd leave the market. Follow me home. He started sleeping in his car in my apt complex over night and did this for a week, until I went to my manger and told her what was going on. She had the police come out and threaten him with a trespassing fine if he didn't leave. He started parking on the street around the corner, who I don't know, he couldn't see my apt from there at all. He stalked me relentlessly. At my job, parked in the parking lot my whole shift. I went to my boss and told her. She arranged for the guys in my department to walk me to my car every night when my shift ended. I still want afraid of him. After a month or so of this behavior he just stopped. Not a word. One night I told the guys at work they didn't need to walk me anymore because he stopped. I left work, just got to my car and was about to dip inside after I checked that every thing around me was okay, when I felt myself being roughly grabbed and spun around so fast it's a wonder I didn't get whiplash. When he had me facing him he grabbed my throat and started squeezing. I still didn't feel afraid, no. This time I resigned myself to the fact that I was being murdered and just stared at him. Then I hear people running and getting closer. The guys had stayed at the door watching that I got in my car safe, then noticed someone sprinting across the parking lot and they saw he was heading toward me, so they ran out to help me. They pulled him off, I tried to catch my breath. The guys told me to call the police, but I shook my head no. I could say least breathe by then and looked at him and whispered that if he ever came near me and laid another hand on me I would kill him. I stared in his eyes without fear and repeated it. The guys told me to get in the car and leave so I did. A couple hours later he sent me a text with a picture of his face bruised and his lip swollen and bleeding, texted in all caps that they beat him up and it was all my daughter's fissile this shit was happening to him. He said he couldn't believe I just left him there to be beaten. He was yet again a victim. Always the victim. The only reply I had be was to say again Is kill him if he ever came near me again. He continued to follow and stalk a month or so more then just dropped it. There's more to the end but he never put a hand in me again. I find it the reason he stopped suddenly later from his mother. He's in prison, AGAIN. I never knew he was before. Horrible story, but suffice it to say or justice systems serves anything but justice and they let him out just under four years of his ten year sentence, he violated that parole breaking into a house or something was caught and is back in prison to do his time he violated PAROLE on. Heinous crime he committed too. His mother also told me that in addition to NPD he also sometimes seeks therapy for BPD after he was diagnosed in his late teens. Jesus, Joseph and Mary. That shit was like a movie. I wouldn't relive 2021 again if you offered me millions of tax free dollars!

@@BabyMonkeyDefender You have got to turn this into a movie! Hallmark Channel, maybe?

That: "because I didn't have the same opinion as her", in this context had my mind smacked with memories of past relationships I had

Sounds like my ex wife, might be your ex wife… isn’t it crazy how it always follows the same pattern. Just different actors playing out the same story.

He used to make my legs shake

As a former military commander, I also do not back down. After the initial explosion, the house is very quiet for a whole week. Problem being, in a month everything starts over.

I've done that and to be honest with you I don't really care anymore nobody should ever bargain negotiate submit for their love and friendship It's useless

Good Job That's the Way To Go Man 👍 🤝

@@heyoldman2003 sounds great, congratulations! I have a thing for my post woman who seems to like me, we'll see. One thing is for sure, my mental health has returned, and everyone can see, so yes, the time is right, just got to keep keeping on. I wish you well with your friend, well done, Fe!la.

I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through this

Wow. Everyone knows Aunt Jemima tops both of those. Mrs. Butterworth aint bad, but AJ is the best.

They both suck. Try real Maple Syrup. 😂 just kidding…

you cannot correct a narcissist or any other cluster B personality disorder. They will never change.

100 percent agree. I have been listening to other channels but Lisa’s explanations are clearer. Thank you Lisa.

My opinion grew up with a bad childhood I think narcissistic people are sick first but try throughout their life too self medicate with alcohol my father drunk too and went crazy but mother said he was a gentleman when they got married and changed shortly after but in his sixties he had mental breakdown and was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenia hope that helps I am just a layman at this stuff and that stuff comes out early twenty’s narcissistic people minds are same drinking just brings out the madness as one could say alcoholic ism roots is usually mental health issues

@@hugmc my ex has a large family, always around each other and had a good upbringing.. to be fair you’d think it would be me with the problems.. I have no family only my daughters. We mean everything to each other, the ex tried to get in between us.. it’s over now, it’s done. Much appreciated for the comment. 👍🏼

I believe so for my boyfriend. Because of the long lasting rages I cant decide if he's bordeline or narcisssist.

When I was with a BPD woman it felt like the rage was primarily inner directed. Narcissistic rage is primarily about its effect on others. I never saw BPD rage in public whereas Narcissists love a public venue for public shaming. BPD emotions seem more genuine but exaggerated. Narcissistic rage seems manipulative and though they really are angry it is more directed.

Thank you and Yes absolutely re: volume!

Yes. Same experience here..

👍 Four years dating, not a sign. 2-3 years in the shell started to crack. At 10 years in the whole facade collapsed and I seen my new normal. I have learned my opinion on any subject is wrong.

Its a personality disorder, not mental illness, like bipolar.

@@emmarae4322 it occupies a swath in DSM5 😉

True!

I resonate completely. Unfortunately for me I also think a part of me failed to grow up. Like I have an adult patient be, but inside I think is also a helpless afraid kid that had to put his own needs aside and hide to trigger more rage in my father.

Sadly , you can't argue , reason or plead without putting yourself in extreme danger ! You can only leave without telling them !

Leave

Leave if you can. Defend yourself if necessary. Don't give bait.

Because it is familiar and you associate it with "love"

Nope. You're definitely not the only one. I went 20+ years before I figured out what was going on. Once I figured out what was going on, you begin to see it in other people around you. 10-20% the people I know and talk to are in a relationship with someone with these kinds of mental pathologies.

What do you mean? Do you mean you let your partner indulge in her rage a bit so over time she sort of could integrate and become more normal again?

@@ImLehwz neurological disfunction affected her decision making but only in the short term - she was aware of her behaviour and did her best to prevent flare ups, however this meant continual effort on her part, which needed to be diverted as part of the healing process. The rages were sporadic and completely random - when they wore off, peace was instantly restored. She was hugely embarrassed about this and other aspects of her condition. I helped her by reassuring her that whatever went on, she would always be welcome to come straight back again. This enabled her to become focused on therapy, without feeling the constant need to repress her symptoms. In the end, all that was required was that I reminded her to go outside which made her cool off in no time. After that there were no further issues. She went on to make a full recovery from all mental illness.

​@@disdroidsounds like BPD not NPD right?

@@simontmn she was classified as having impulsive borderline personality disorder - however a lot of people warned me that she was a narcissist, not realising that we had grown up together since infancy and knew each other inside out. Her neurology caused rages, and the guilt and shame, which she couldn't express because of her neurology, caused borderline psychosis, in a self perpetuating loop. However she would share part of her experience and describe her condition, especially with me, and we were definitely making progress right from the start. I will never forget how overjoyed I was the day she smashed the house without feeling guilty or embarrassed - I knew then that full recovery was only a few steps away.

The fact that you said you may be a narcissist, tells me that there's low chance you are. Most Narcs will not admit they're a narc. It's damaging the false self and they're just not interested in that