Yep exactly. I'm ok with it.

I was diagnosed as schizoid, but this also defines me.

Number 5 is worth talking about because the not relying on others for my needs has both ethical and rational roots to it. Ethically, I do not feel entitled to the help of others, I may get their help 3 times day every day of my life, and yet I don't feel entitled to it. Second one is rational, I literally cannot control the action of others. If those things are true in one's mind, rationally it becomes very difficult not to pursue a life where the needs of one depend only on one.

Thanks for the point commemt, I'll now watch the vid.

Number 9... "You can not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them". When something affects me and instigates an emotional response, it's not like I don't feel anything, it is just that I can redirect and channel those energies into dealing with it, instead of getting worked up into an outburst. However, because of this approach, when I am later asked how I felt in that situation I can honestly tell you that I have no fucking clue. And that makes me seem like I'm devoid of emotion and have no capacity for it, or worse, that I bottle everything up and refuse to open up. It is literally impossible to explain to people how I operate on such a level and that I truly and sincerely am just perfectly fine. I'll make my own time to reflect, or grief. I am an empath, people love to talk to me because I listen and make them feel heard and I can advise them, I write novels and screenplays for fun and create fleshed out characters, I did psychology courses and classes and study the religious domain in my pass time. Yet when I applied to the military last January after having trained all year, I get told off on a psychological examination because I have "insufficient communicative ability" because my answers were to elaborate....

This is exactly what I thought when I watched this. 33 years on this earth and didn't know myself at all.. watching her explain it in this way was so surreal "how does she KNOW ME?"

I love the internet for making these situations possible 😭 makes me tear up. So so happy for you rediscovering yourself! Good luck onwards ❤

😂 Me TOOOO, if only we had KZfaq growing up…. I could have been diagnosed ADHD also. Instead of spending 53 years trying to create my own systems to fit in, and wondering why my relationships don’t work out.

I feel like most men (us) are this type. Don't feel bad about it.

In my case it's 51 years.

That couldn’t be truer (at least for me, too 🥲) Very well said.

I can totally empathize

I was managing after my son's mother had left out of the blue without warning after 5 years. She probably thought I was being an ass when I had no clue. Especially with marriage she would literally beg me to marry. Dad always warned me to never marry after he was taken to the cleaners by my mom. Then I had to care for my grandma and mother as I watched them basically die in front me while I took the best care of them I could alone. Nobody would help not even family with the care. After they passed I thought great now I can attempt to get back to dating. Well I worked on myself lost weight and Im still alone except now depression is knocking on the door too! I'm so frightened! How did I get here? How do I fix it? I can't handle being alone always. Mom and dad both passed. That's probably why depression is starting now because at least I could talk with them and I lived with them when taking care of them. I do have son he is 18 lives with mom fixing to go to college. I'm also worried for him and the example I have set. He knows I'm lonely and depressed. I'm not sure where I picked this up probably at daycare as a child unless it was my own parents. I'm assuming just a beat down physically isn't enough. All I ever wanted was a family. Now I'm 51 and set except I'm all alone. I try to meet people out in public like when walking at the park but most won't look away from the phone. Some don't even acknowledge me. I'm not sure what that's all about. Perhaps that's something on them. However I cannot make a connection for some reason. Nobody takes the time to get to know me. 🙏

Thank you.

This is so me

Oups I have many of those

Avoidants are narcissistic cowards

So an avoindant cannot fall inlove?

Good Luck!😊

Great! From what iv heard it's a tough nut to crack so keep up the hard work. Can I ask,how were you with affection?. Did you display alot or hardly any?. Would be greatful for your insight 😊

It's ALL a process. Give yourself a break... it's about progress. Not perfection. One day we'll all get there. 🤙🏻 Mitch

This video was an eye opener to me. I want to point out, start with empathy. For yourself, and any of your relationship partners. When watching something like this, it can be overwhelming with the thought “I must control this”. Well, the question of control…how much do you really have? Is free will is an illusion? The bottom line answer is…yes, it’s an illusion. If it is, than nothing matters? That is a fatalistic way to look at it. A better way is to say..we are all in the same boat. We are all born without a purpose, and we run around trying to discover one. Just ease up, on the steering wheel. Empathize with others, they have no idea either. We are all doing the best we can.

That relationship might have been just what you needed to understand yourself better. I would count that as a blessing even if it is a relief it is over.

I believe a lot of us men are this way and have no idea. Its pretty common. I love living with a partner and have had a few in my life the last one 5 years and we had a son. She left me never did explain and that really messed me up cause I didn't know if it was me or her or what? So I took some yrs off before looking but now it's like I've started over. No friends really. At least not that like see them every week types. Many are online only but we're child friends. I feel like if I had a good girl that would stay with me and faithful we would be set. That's what I thought I had last time when I had my child. I'm assuming this avoident type was the issue all along. I'm 51 and still alone.

i bet you’re doing great keep up the hard work ❤

It is...emotions can lie, dont swallow this pseudo-intellectual drivel.

@@djjukeboxhero6491 Crying isn't shameful. Ridiculous. That's a toxic ideology that prevents people from actually feeling their feelings, and healing.

@@almondmilksoda more bleeding heart liberal horseshit ....the only feeling you should trust is gut-feeling.

So you need to work on that. Being like this is damaging to everyone around you

Same, although I'm not quite as sure where I learned similar survival habits since my parents made it clear that they were always available if I needed a shoulder to cry on. I was adopted when I was one so maybe the emotional coding happened before then? Either way Heidi described a lot of my habits to a 'T' which has made me feel extremely seen. 😅

There is nothing wrong with you. Your personality type sounds like mine -- INTJ. Look into MBTI. INTJs generally suck at figuring out what would make them happy -- I found myself an ESFJ friend and outsourced my happiness monitoring to her. Just the monitoring, not the responsibility. Us super independent INTJs should have friends of other MBTI types to cover our blind spots.

@@rachelbartlett1970 I am INFJ and just finding out what complicated people we are internally has actually helped me alot to understand myself. Thank you for taking the time to write those words of encouragement. What you said was helpful. Thank you 🤗

@@rachelbartlett1970 As an INTP I stupidly married (32 years ago) an ESFJ, which you probably know is the same function stack but flipped. She is all about emotions and clueless about logic, and I am all about logic and clueless about emotions. It is not a good combination, but opposites attract. We technical should complete each other, but in reality, it creates a huge rift, since we have no idea how to relate to each other. I've been trying to figure out how to present the Childhood Emotion Neglect, and Avoidant ant Attachment Type to her to explain why I am what I am. The transcription (TurboScribe) may help me do that.

Damn this is identical to me

You can begin by feeling compassion for yourself as a lonely little boy.

I feel exactly the same. Reading that is as if I wrote it myself

wow this is basically me.... I didnt want to be a burden on my single mom

Anxious attatchment get shade to I think. The needy "karen" won't take accountability bla bla bla :p

​@@ProfessorBorax 😂😂

It is always you guys who are cold, inattentive and hurt everyone. Good call.

​@@onedayatatime007 Not always true, no. And what a below the belt comment to make, you should think twice before you start shaming that many people that you never even met. Do you know the personal struggles of everyone? I don't think you do.

@@TarotOverOracle I’m not saying it’s without reason, but being avoidant inherently makes what I said true.

Same. Nailed it

Agree

Exactly and the reasoning she used is accurate because this is exactly how my thought process is

Exactly my thought pattern too and never thought this could hurt me and the other person. Good awakening

@@psrv97HELLA a lot better than being used by others

This!

100% of this "Far too many people see videos like this and think.... "This is so me..... now deal with it". Instead of thinking, "Oh gosh, no wonder I find it so difficult to trust other people..... this is something I need to work on so that I can live a more fulfilling life."

yes! well said

It’s almost like she herself is avoidant. Avoidant style is very typical of narcissism…it can seem robotic and unattached. Merely like that person is “good company” not a partner.

@@xKarenWalkerx no, she’s explaining avoidant attachment and sharing information. If you and others want to know more about it DO SOME FURTHER RESEARCH ON YOUR OWN rather than criticize and judge her for not giving information YOU think she should have given. People want everything spoon fed to them rather than doing the work themselves. That’s perfectionistic and part of the reason we have issues in our society. People are usually avoidant of others because PEOPLE ARE EXHAUSTING and your comment and others’ comments on here shows my point exactly.

I also found myself laughing in self realization. I feel seen!

Me too. 10/10

Be aware of the Barnum effect..

@@HansBezemer Good point, and I do wonder about that at times with popularized psychology topics. But I have watched a couple of other of her attachment style breakdowns and have not instantly felt that they described my “style” at all, whereas this one did … almost disturbingly so. Doesn’t prove anything absolutely, but it at least suggests to me that the breakdowns are somewhat orthogonal (though she says occasionally that some styles borrow from others). Anyway, interesting topic.

Consider it a blessing, romance especially in this day and age is brutal.

You sound more anxious than avoidant. But I might be projecting.

@@estelao.b.1473 They sound avoidant to me. Other people are always blowing it out of proportion when we say we are ok with remaining single, and sometimes that extreme worry can give us momentary anxiety, because we are forced to think that something is completely wrong with us, but it passes really fast. I mean sure something is wrong when you are this avoidant, but then we get our priorities straight again and calm down.

Me and you both

@@theelongatedmeatballe8487 Stupid generalized statement

There's also people who really care about you! I wish you all the best! ❤

@@essennagerry thank you so much! To you as well ✨

Thanks

Big thanks

😁👍.

I've learned a lot over these last years, yet when we realize that our mothers are incompetent at being emotionally available, we learn to take care of ourselves. This pattern will stick forever, regardless of learning many things that can be changed.

Thanks so much.

Same here. Glad to hear that I am not the only one

Same!! I’ve been thinking I was anxious and he was avoidant ( which maybe he still is) but this video explains me exactly!

Yes everything she said applied to me and mirrored my experiences!

That might be called a Fearful Avoidant which I am.

Exactly... usually, when i rely on others, im let down or cheated on.... maybe im just a bad people picker.

That doesn’t actually make sense.

And your problem is?????

​@@rodandousa3963if you have nothing useful to say please read, be confused and scroll on. It's op's world and sentiments, be kind to their opinion.

​@@johnmarks9994you too

I resonate with THIS comment on a spiritual level.

I hear ya, even the comments showing empathy on this very video approach it as a problem that needs fixing. As I listen to her, I just see the video as a description of how some people are.

Exactly. I first found out about avoidant attachment during a presentation where it seemed like it was "the bad guy" of the bunch. It stung so much because I recognize myself in this type. And before that part of the presentation, I interpreted the anxious type as the "bad guy", because they burdened others. Ironic, ha. Ultimately no one is, it's just how we think and feel.

Those people are just jealous.

That's exactly what I thought! People seem to have a lot of resentment, and as an anxious type with a best friend who's DA, I get it. But I also don't want to feel like that and be better and more loving instead of resentful. It seems a lot of anxious types are getting their validation and catharsis venting in the comments about their experiences with DAs, but it's a toxic way of living.

You should

For me the important thing is to be firmly present in the now. No one can plan out their entire life on a whim, and making promises that can't realistically be fulfilled is just going to create issues, that either you or someone else will resent. Promise today, and make sure the other person knows that you care for them right now, and if you do make promises, be transparent that anything could happen to derail that potential but you'll try to stay on track.

"how do you feel about us?" is an extremely fucking stupid question.

@@xVibra: I think most people understand that romantic promises and notions are just that. But it can signal to the partner your intentions and who you'd like to be as the best version of yourself. Saying "Not sure I can do that but here's what I can do" and listing out a depressingly small amount of effort you'd put into a relationship is really just setting the relationship up for failure. We're all going to disappoint each other, but intentions and as much followthrough as we can manage (which we communicate to our partners) actually goes a long way to helping two people connect.

Don’t be an asshole then. You have the ability to decide if you want to be loving or an ass.

As an avoidant I had a lot of anxiety too. I feel calmer alone and agitated when I’m in an anxious attached relationship. Even though my intention is not to hurt her. I couldn’t help but understand I had unhealthy ways of emotional instability or regulation

Right... I hid so, so many things from my primary caregivers. Even if I was on the verge of fainting or vomiting as a child, I would hide it! Nowadays, if I do reach out to a partner to talk about things going on in my life, I usually keep is super surface level and add qualifiers like "I can deal with this, just needed to vent for a few minutes." I don't want to worry them, because I remember how my mom would fall apart and get hysteric if there was anything wrong with me. It definitely let a strong impression on me that I need to be strong and self-reliant. I also find active listening much better than a partner trying to find a solution for me. It's really nice when someone says "I believe in you" vs. "I'm going to help you fix it, just do this."

I was bullied a lot as a child and I don't think I deliberately hid it from my parents, but at the same time it wouldn't have really occured to me to ask them for help. To some extent I think I took for granted they must know all about it and just not be able to do anything about it since they talked to my teachers. And it seemed so obvious from watching the kids and teachers around me that adults nearly always made things worse even when their intentions were good. And also I think I thought it was normal for kids to be miserable like that. The teachers seemed to treat it as normal, and my parents never seemed to do anything about it either. When I was talking with my parents I tended to focus on the good stuff like academics or my small group of friends. I didn't really see the point of complaining about the abuse.

Hang in there bud. I went through a similar experience and it was chaos in the end. But trust me if your intentions were good and hurt the other person the only thing you can do is reciprocate your need the next time and never repeat the same pattern. It’s sometimes not intentional to hurt someone just that our wounds trigger an ugly response from us unconsciously.

I’m so sorry you’ve been through that💔 I hope you find the people who see you and acknowledge your needs, and who feel safe enough for you to open up more😢

Sending you love & light ❤️

Same story here. Luckily I'm physically healthy though. Best wishes for you.

Wasn’t adopted but I defin. Have this with chronic illness bunch of comparing and competing. It’s narcissistic and nuts. Passed down Trauma. I wrote to regulate my entire life. I have waaaaaay too many books nothing published. I think I am insecure mixed with avoidant. My friend sent me this asking if it’s him I’ve not hung with enough to know. 😅 but mixed like me I’d say. And he suffered a great loss. And lacked nurture growing up. My parents aren’t nurture. Personally I believe it’s all a trauma response of course. That’s psychology. Just as is all mental illness that is my expertise.

That’s very selfish on your end to your partner your needs are met while you leave your man in the dust that’s a typical avoidant thought process not cool for the other person

@@uniquedavenport3491 I mean yeah, obviously. That’s kind of the point. If I was securely attached and all of my relationships were healthy, I wouldn’t be spending my time learning about attachment theory and how to be better for my loved ones.

​@Unique Davenport yeah, but 10/10 for honesty

Maybe because the emotions of others are a burden to you, you assume is the same for others. I am anxious and whenever people get emotional I actually prefer it because it helps me to understand them better.

​@@uniquedavenport3491these are the types of comments that cause avoidants to not express their emotions.

Yes, I tend to work best alone or in as small of a team as possible... but preferably alone. That way, I have no one to blame or get annoyed with but myself, if things go wrong. I have more control over my work environment. And aside from that, it's also less stressful to deal with the internal block I have about asking questions. I'm way better than I used to be years ago, but there's a nagging little voice that says "You're incompetent" or "That was dumb" if I have to get clarification on something. I hate seeming like I don't know what I'm doing.

​@@alexas.5287Sounds familiar. How do you feel about trying or learning new things in front of people? Sometimes it feels like I have to perfect everything in private before I dare try in public

Are we twins separated at birth? 😂 I left my last job bc the desk part of our job transitioned to open work plan. & I’m in a professional field that usually needs an office so this was just wild. Also as a kid I would put my toys, plush animals in a certain order & if they get rearranged it would be upsetting for me. So I feel u ❤

Very relatable, best of all is when it really was 0 issue at the beginning but then becomes a bigger problem after a long time avoiding asking for help…

I had a shift at work which started 1 hour earlier than usual. I was not used to leaving so early and I underestimated how long it would take me to get ready and make it to the train. I was running on the street, to catch the train which I could see on the platform right in front of me, when stuff started falling out of my bag. I'd forgotten to pull the zip on the small pocket. I stopped quickly to pick everything up or at least what I could see, and then kept running. When I got on the train, I realised, I had dropped my card, it had probably fallen on the street and I was in such a hurry and didn't see it when I was picking up the other stuff. The only thing to do would be to go back. That would mean getting off this train, catching the next train going backwards to my stop, and then catching the next train after that going towards work. I would be anything up to 40 mins late, instead of 10 mins early. I chose to abandon the card and keep going. It was my debit card. The whole time on the train to work I was thinking am I doing the right thing ? Am I just trying not to let people down or am I letting myself down. Which was more important. I even got off at one stop, but changed my mind about going back and jumped on the next train going in the same direction. Now I read your comment, I realise, I did exactly the same thing you did.

@@ebbyc1817 hahaha I totally would have left the card too. I wonder why we do these things. Do we value others more than we value ourselves? I'm going to really look into this

@@michigan1085 Me too :).

​​​​​@@michigan1085For me I think I picked up a self image of myself as annoying some time in my preteens or teens. I was the weird girl who talked too much, and I still have the tendency sometimes to see friendliness as people being 'charitable' to me rather than actually liking me or enjoying my company. Less than I used to but it still comes back sometimes. And being a charity case kind of hurts so it feels better to avoid it if there's another option.

Same! My most eye opening relationship was with another on the avoidant scale but like she stated in the video, it was hard to get someone to do the “pursuing” lol

Excellently written. Same story here .. i’m so delighted. I finally know what the hell is wrong with me. Lone Wolf .😅

I immediately thought of me and my first gf when she mentioned the anxious attachment type. I am epitome of avoidant, she was epitome of anxious. Needless to say it didn't end well.

exactly, i don't buy the thesis that i didn't get love as a kid. I just realized early on that life doesnt give two hoots about your emotions

I believe you can also get it from a nanny or babysitter. I think that's how I may have got it.

I know exactly how this feels. First thing I would ask is, do you really have no one you can ask for help, or are you too ashamed to ask them. If you really have no one, next step is the government, take the first step, no matter how small, towards making your situation known to whatever authorities are in charge of taking care of people in your situation. You can also do both. Don't feel you deserve it because you made a mistake, effed up, or whatever. No one deserves this. Also bear in mind, that the very thing you fear, is what is turning into reality. Your fear, isn't solving the problem, it is making it real. You need to take active steps to solve it. One foot in front of the other. ❤

Avoidant attachment is a difficult barrier to overcome. You need to find a therapist trained in attachment theory and you must be willing to be vulnerable. Good luck!!

@@Star-dj1kw I think that's the best option. I agree and thanks

Are you logical, stoic, and dis-social...join the club!

I'm categorized as an INTP also. I think the 16personalities site has written the best spin on the type. Comparing us to Einstein, Bill Gates, Neo from the Matrix, and Bruce Banner. Also note, the scientific peer reviewed world of psychology does not accept myers-briggs as anything but pseudoscience. So don't label yourself to strongly. Its not a flaw, we all evolved over eons and each trait has strengths and weaknesses to play to your best angle.

You can change. Your attachment style is not a personality it is a wound that can be healed. So please don't think you are going to be like this forever and try to heal that deep wound from childhood

@@nicoledoubleyou That's nonsense. As a matter of fact, it's a strength. You got the life nicely organized, you contemplate the consequences before taking action, you know where to put the borders - so either you're not disappointed at all or the damage is limited - and most importantly, you're free. It has been proven that you make the best decisions when you consider them rationally, separating what you want from what you actually need. You're invulnerable for "group thinking", so when the venue is on fire you're out first - instead of thinking "nobody is moving, so why should I?" You don't fall for any stupid ideology. You come up with different and original solutions, since you don't care how everybody feels. Most stress issues can be handled effectively by physical exercise - there's plenty of research on that. And yes, it works (at least for me). So, I'm pretty happy with myself and see no need to change. It's a style that worked pretty well for me for most of my life.