To paraphrase the late Bill Hicks, when your partner says they need some space, they usually mean some space with you not in it.

"I don't want to be rejected because it hurts so I'll reject you first" Yes. I know what that feels like.

Rejecting or being rejected is one of the most common social events in life. If you don't believe me, just listen to all the songs that have been written and sung about it.

Every time I realized I was about to be rejected, and didn't reject first, I regretted deeply. It's quite obvious when something is not going right, and if you don't get out as soon as you notice it, you will just be humiliated until the person finally says how they are disgusted by you.

I spent many years of my life in bad relationships. Here I am at 70 and have finally learned to reject relationships that are abusive. I want to spend my latter years free of drama and conflict. If I make a new friend that is unkind I just get out of it ASP.

I"m reminded of a comic (I think it was Kat Williams) who said people make up stupid reasons to argue when they want to break up. "You put ketchup on my hotdog???!! B*** I'm outta here"

Slowly decreasing contact is the most cowardly way.

Yay! Non getting into relationships helped me to never be rejected.

You're an amazing educator. I really enjoy your personality, humor, and teaching style. Thanks for putting so much time and research into your videos.

"So why does someone reject someone else? It could be because they found someone better." - Dr. Grande. Ouch!!! :P

The pain of being rejected is so bad!😢 However rejecting is also sad. Thank you for this insightful vidro Dr. Grande:)

My mother never got over my father divorcing her. In my 30's I had to tell her to "get over it". They were divorced when I was 2 1/2 and he remarried when I was 3 1/2. I had to deal with her anger and bitterness my entire life.

Why tf youtube recommending me this after a first date

When my wife indicated that our relationship was soon to be over, internally I was relieved. But externally, I pretended to be upset and not want it. She has severe abandonment issues and I thought if she had her own reasons for splitting up, that would be the way I could avoid being terrorized by her for leaving her. We had a kid together and she never stopped trying to destroy my relationship with my son in order to get even with me, nonetheless. A few years after we split up, we discussed it and she said she left me. I said, no I left you. But then I remembered that I allowed her to think she left me. I quickly corrected myself. Do not date a narcissist. Their trauma will leave you walking on eggshells and living a lie.

Last time I was rejected, I just stopped dating. That was my personal growth, i suppose...

If you care about your significant other's well-being, you would accept rejection and wish them well. Why would you want to date someone who does not want to be with you?

Love is just a loosing game... Even when observed objectively

after almost 30yrs of marriage, my husband told me he no longer loved me. I had just been diagnosed a couple of years earlier with a life altering disease leaving me in a wheelchair. plus my sister was diagnosed with a brain tumour, given 3-5 yrs to live. she made it 3. so … a lot to process. he could not deal with it all, so he left. long storey short …. I didn't even see him leave. I was totally unaffected by it !!! is something wrong with me ? I loved this man ! why didn't I care when he left ? to this day … I feel nothing.

My teddy bear never rejects me. He also never denies cuddling, never emotionally invalidates me, is there always for me. However his level of verbal abuse by ignoring questions would be high if I ever tried to talk to him. He also withholds his feelings (he doesn't have any, due to missing brain).

Rejection goes with dating. It could be that you are the wrong body type. Or more common you might be a replacement and just don't match up close enough. I once dated a music teacher and the fact I didn't play a musical instrument was the deal killer. When any of these scenarios occur all you can do is "Next".

“Sometimes people want to be rejected.” Truth bomb!!

When a long-term couple breaks up it might mean the destruction of his/her friend and activity structure, as well. The loss of that might be more difficulty than losing the basic relationship.

You are a great psychologist! I️ always learn so much!

Thank you for discussing this with as much objectivity as possible. Sometimes, when a male expects stereotypical "feminine" traits from a woman - like expecting them to get married and have children but *not* to ever attend University - their so-called rejection is a blessing in disguise. Many women who want to study move on and later find a man far more suitable for them.

My son was dumped by his girlfriend. He was suicidal. My husband had to take two weeks off work to be with him and make sure he did not take his life. It was extremely upsetting for the whole family. He has not dated since. It has been three years.

I cant wait to say to a girl when she's mad "wow you're really low on scale of agreeableness". Kind of a funny lens to view people through.. i can picture looking at a girl flashing a crowd and thinking "wow she is high on scale of extroversion and also quite high on the scale of adventure seeking!"

Dr. Grande, someone has to talk about these sometimes uncomfortable topics. Thank you for your ideas about it!

I look at rejection as a bag of * things I can't have * things I won't have to deal with I'm in a bit of an independent streak. Rejection is a loss/relief combo.

Yeah, I'm out the "relationship game". It's always a lose-lose-lose situation

Hey Doc, how about something with puppies in it.

I've been carrying such pain for 15 years, I also haven't allowed myself to get involved in anything more than a superficial relationship for that time as well and the last one was 5 years ago

My ex idealized me for a while but then it flipped, and it was like she idealized everyone BUT me. It seemed like everyone we encountered that was different or interesting she'd want to take on their identity as opposed to keeping her own unique identity and appreciating the new persons unique identity. I was very different than anyone she'd ever met because I'm from another country and have an accent and a different view of things and I can see where that might have been fascinating for her initially. Strangly though she didn't ask me about my upbringing or past experiences that much. Looking back it's almost like I didn't exist until I entered her life. We were on and off for a period of about 18 months and it was usually me walking away but only because she would sabatoge the relationship. Saying horrible things that you just can't take back, lying, cheating, or just being exploitative. Always felt like I was in some sort of competition with her as opposed to being a unified team. She would find ways to go out doing fun things without me and posting pictures of it online. There'd be "likes" and stupid little heart eyed emojis from other guys. I'm like WTF? But still trying to come off like it's no big deal and I'm confident, not jealous, and it doesn't bother me. But of course it bothers you right? Then if you express that, you're accused of being controlling, not trusting, manipulative or whatever. Oh, and don't try playing that game back. How dare you. It's so immature, you eventually have to just leave and let them have the last word. Don't let your pride keep you in something like this trying to get out even or with the upper hand. This relationship dynamic is right where they live. You can't win on this turf. You gotta just grab your shit and bail.

I have a real life scenario that played out horribly. I was in a long term relationship of 11 years. I felt my partner wasnt respecting me or listening to me. I was feeling rejected and dismissed. Talking about it turned into arguments. Long story short, towards the end I started rebelling by returning the same attitude towards them in hopes of them seeing how hurtful it feels so they would understand because they thought I was just being needy which I'm not, nor am I clingy. I can survive off very little attention and affection. I wanted them to see what I was talking about so they knew first hand. Whelp, turns out they ended up leaving me out of nowhere because they felt I was neglecting them and moving away from each other and things just weren't the same anymore. This of course infuriated me at first, the shock I went thru because of the nerve this person had in order to do this. The irony.... I should have left THEM! Anyways, in reality, it didn't matter. There was clearly more going on that I wasn't aware of and I wasn't seeing. Not until after months had gone by did I start realizing I was with a narcissist, many people I know came forward and finally told me that they could see this person was treating me poorly. I having my own issues caused me to be in denial and delusional the whole time because it's all I knew and it was familiar. Love is a powerful feeling. It will blind you to many bad things. This is why other people can see what you can't because they're not in love with the person so they're not effected. Besides the typical heartbreak and loss of the person, what really made me the most upset and the hardest to get over is the fact that I should have left them, they should be the one feeling the rejection I'm feeling, I have the getting dumped feeling, everything they said to me about why they left is what I should have told THEM. They feel like they hold the high ground in leaving like they were the victim, they got the ego boost for thinking they're saving them self and moving on to greener grass. Good luck finding greener grass when you're nothing but a weed. I'm sure theres plenty of psychological stuff to break down in my comment that points the finger at both of us but whatever. It is what it is. We were clearly not compatible but that doesnt make it hurt any less. Looking back, this person couldve been wanting out for a long time and used the situation I created as an escape and reason to break up. I was just so upset about the whole thing. I say all this because he mentioned in #10 that creating distance and showing less attention can be a sign that the relationship is ending when in fact sometimes your partner can be doing this as a last ditch effort to actually GET your attention without wanting to end things before just accepting that the relationship is the way it is. This of course involves a narcissist and whatever I might possibly possess so this wasnt exactly an example of a healthy couple. But I'm sure theres someone out there who's been in a similar situation that would understand where I'm coming from and feels the same way.

For me it was about how the rejection happened. Narcissist, love bombing, cheating on me, gaslighting, then a final rejection by text when I was feeling so confused and overwhelmed by the whole thing. It really broke me and I’m still suffering because he completely duped me. He never had any intention of a relationship just wanted to break me down to a shell of my former self

As an introvert, I’m content alone. IMO, Relationships are more problematic than rewarding. Most people are liars! Most men don’t want a one on one relationship; they just say they do-or they have an ideal which is unattainable. I think most humans are serial monogamist; the problem is: they’re on different clocks and not honest when they are done. Pets are better partners. Roommates are better partners. If you want romance, date-don’t live together. 🤷‍♀️ living together takes away the dynamics most want to maintain.

I love Dr Grande's analysis and pointers so much. I'm going through dating right now and it's so hard to reject someone, who really likes me, after I've determined it's not a good fit because it's terrible to hurt their feelings. It's also difficult to extend emotional vulnerability to people I don't know well again and again. People who are patient and earn others' trust are the people who will do the best in dating, I think.

I always think that the best sign that someone is going to reject me is that they are dating me in the first place. It sometimes hurts to be alone but it seems to be easier than the hole in the heart you feel when being rejected. I keep telling myself this and then I devastate my psyche by being a moron again and getting into another relationship. I'm just not psychologically equipped for one right now and it's when it's been long enough that I think I might have healed that I am foolish and start one again.

The days are easy, Doesn't even cross my mind. But once I fall asleep, my dreams torture me.

Love is truly the best and worst thing about being human.

I noticed a person who has a lot of anxiety will most certainly ghost you or at the very least reject you. If someone cannot be comfortable around you it's just a matter of time before you get dogged out. It could take many years even. This has been a consistent theme for anyone who ghosted me or left me high and dry in the worst possible way or time.

I enjoyed the video but it surprises me with all these factors at play that anyone ever finds a soulmate. I suppose it is like hitting the jackpot on a fruit machine all the cherries line up .

Thank you for citing some related literature Dr. Grande. Your discussion of the topic is well-researched, not based on opinions and perceptions. The more videos of you i watch, your credibility increases. Salute to you, Dr. Grande!

Those signs of rejections that are clear and inevitably described in this analysis were dead on. Thanks for reviewing this subject matter.

Damn! I recently got obsessed with the self fulfilling prophecy and when you made that perfect connection about it with low self esteem it made me jump in joy, I sincerely believe it has a lot of power in your life! Fake it till you make it guys!

For some strange reason, someone in a relationship wants to end it, but doesn’t want to be the the one to initiate the separation. So this person treats the other person so badly that the other person quits the relationship. Two women told me this happened to them. Their boyfriend became cruel no matter how much she tried to please him.

Shattering, when you don't see the train coming...I have scars.

Thank you, Dr. Grande, for all your continued hard work-always much appreciated!

as painful as rejection is it’s worse to be with someone who dislikes u

Two grave warning signs to address: 1. Lacking differentiation from, and therefore not truly leaving controlling parent/s (especially mothers); thus husband would fail to properly cleave to his wife, leaving the door open for adultery when for example exposed to opportunistic predatory younger women in the workplace. 2. One or both parties maintaining an attitude of not submitting to one another. Could be the husband with demand that 'wives are to submit to their husbands', or increasingly empowered feminist wives in rebellion against male authority. Two helpful books: BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE (Cloud & Townsend) and THE CONTROLLING HUSBAND (Ron Welsch)

I had to be the initiator in my first marriage, it wasn't his parenting skills but it was his drinking. We remained friends they never bad-mouthed him in front of the kids. It was an adjustment. Then I felt grief and pain and guilt. I started putting myself through school and finding a hobby, but there's always two sides to the story right? When he passed away last year it made me very sad and angry because he had such a great life even though he was a drinker and we had three kids together. When my mother died 10 years ago it still affects me somebody acquitted at 2 a record player that skips every time the date comes around and the record is fuzzy that makes sense to you? I'm sorry if I missed quite a few of your videos, and it makes my day everyday to hear your voice

Another great video. Thanks😊 Could you do a series on the different personality types? I think that would be so interesting!

This is another great video with a comprehensive analysis. It definitely gave me some things to reflect on. Dr. Grande Thank you for presenting in such a logical, clear and thorough manner. You make me want to go back to school right now.

Sadly, I am one of those people still grieving the breakup of an old relationship. I've been married for several years, so I have moved on in a way, but my relationship with a man I strongly suspect has BPD (he was diagnosed bipolar) ended so suddenly and over seemingly nothing that I never quite got over it. I moved about four hours away for a job, and I think that triggered his abandonment fear. One night on the phone I casually used the expression "older and wiser," and this infuriated him. I got off the phone with him, and he called me back to say things weren't going to work out. Never heard from him again. This was a man who'd professed his love for me and clung to me shortly before this. Anyway, I've never gotten over this breakup.

Good video on rejection. Insightful.

Dang. KZfaq is spot on again bringing me your message right now. This describes the 2 major relationships in my life. So bizarre how you are able to communicate this so precisely. It was almost instantaneously after I hung up the phone with #2 RE: my distress about the “change” and have I been rejected. OMGs. This topic goes back to my childhood and persists today. I have never heard anyone speak of it this way but the timing is right. Dang! I have several mins to go. Thanks 👍 WOW

Beautifully explained. Easily understood in layman's terms. Thank you once again.

I have been enjoying the various topics, that you address. These videos, help to refresh and educate me on major diagnosis, or important issues. Thank you very much.

I have a degree in psychology, but I have learned more from your work here on KZfaq. Maximum professionalism and simply explained .... Thank you for your excellent work.🏆

This has been most helpful. Thank you Doctor Grande.

I have been on both sides of this experience...although both were uncomfortable, I think to experience such dual positions helps preserve self-esteem and the tendency to identify with "the rejected" as a part of one's identity.

Good morning Dr. I thanks for uploading this video. Every video is a gem to me to learn to know myself and my world around.

You are my favorite psychologist and I hope this finds you well ❤️

hearing you mention your patients who spoke of rejections that were decades old that still hurt them so deeply was actually eye opening for me. rejection is so common and yet it is one of the most painful things to deal with, it can fundamentally change someone and really torment them significantly. and yet we all have to keep on living like we are fine.... UGH!

You're a good teacher, and I enjoy your videos.

Sometimes when you are rejected you just dodged a bullet. You don't see it when it happens, but over time you come to learn that the other person was not who you needed. Better to find out early, than have that person walk away in a marriage where children are involved.

Ive been rejected my whole life

I love this channel and all the comments. I learn so much

Thank you Dr Todd Grande. What you said rings of truth.

You inspire so much curiosity in me, which has inspired a new sense of hope in me. Thank you

Seriously Dr. Todd, this has answered a lot of questions for me. Thank you!

Thanks Dr Grande this video was excellent and very informative 👏👏👏 Alot of awareness of rejection... 🙂💜👍

Dr. Grande!!!!!!!! Lol don’t reject me💔

Number 11 is exactly what just happened to me. Thank you for the insight

Dr.Grande that was a very interesting video !

The very first thing we need to learn about relationship strategies is , how to disengage from something that doesn't work .

Ilove, love, love your channel! Great idea for yoou to this...you are an interestinh, good teacher.

Dr. Grande certainly won't reject you, if you join him and his community on patreon. This friendly guy and 19 adorable patrons will welcome you to share with him the more sensitive topics, reflections, personal stories, behind the scene videos and much more.🎉 Esp. the former topics are often rejected by the exceedingly draconian algorithyms of a quite domineering god called KZfaq. 🤬 So: "You don't have to be rich, to be my girl (boy) ... I just want your extra time and your... " (Prince) no, not 💋 , but a very small amount of money for this hard working professor, who explains everything so well. If you want to be number 20, just click on the last link in the description box and the world will become a litle bit more just. Have a great day. 😊

Love this man!

So helpful!

So true that time does not heal. One learns to grow despite this.

I love your videos Dr grande !!! You are very intelligent and well spoken!

Very Helpful Video

That's a lot of words for telling me that i will be alone forever. At least now we know why

This is great for avoiding pain

I think its nice in your future videos to write the main points next to you on the video to simplify the transition between points and to make them clear it's just a suggestion keep it up 👍

It seems to confirm that we don’t process, come to terms with or otherwise deal with big issues in life - lurks in the subconscious forever

Very interesting. Relationship issues are usually important to most everyone. I have known many women who have been badly affected by rejection.

I enjoy the videos Dr grande. Its has been helpful to k ow all tje cluster the borderlines bd how difficult its been..as mom would say life goes on.

I've started to follow your vids and they are fantastic . Thank you so much

Arrogance, including perfectionism and being unthankful (looking down on the other with 'I am better and deserve better attitude'); this in combination with bitter resentment: Unwillingness to humbly change own behaviour (finding only fault with the other), and unforgiveness for the other's imperfections and mistakes. Increased unwillingness to submit to the other; in combination with open dissatisfaction and frustration with inability to control the other's behaviour. All of these attitudes rooted in pride and not being accountable towards a Higher Transcendent Power than the self: 'Doing things my way'; thus also lacking in spiritual fruit such as faithfulness, grace, joy, kindness, mercy, patience, perseverance, self-control - rooted in humility.

This video was very good and made very good sense to my situation ,it made me realize I did the right thing leaving thanks,👍👍👍👍👍

Informative and thorough. Thank you

Really interesting when one part wants to manipulate the other part in to doing the rejection. I was subject to this at my workplace. It was horrible to go through.

Well after being married to a very manipulative man for 32 years I worked up the nerve to walk away from the terror. It was horrible for both of us. Me because I knew I had lost my personality and direction. Bad for him because he didn’t want to be alone and thought I would just stay the course. I have trouble trusting men now and have dated just a little. Of course after being broken and not young anymore it’s very different than dating as a 20 year old. I feel I’ve become unapproachable although I’m super friendly with everyone.

Could you do a video on old flames 🔥? When old flames keep coming back or come back, what are the chances for long term relationship or marriage sustainability?

I always like to listen to you, I had hoped you would have just given some simple examples of rejection. Narcissism is kind of took in depth.

Dr you are smart and spot on love ❤️ watching your video 👍.

I dated someone off & on from my teenage yrs to my late 30s. Long story short, he was also sneaking around with my neighbor. He spent 10 yrs in the navy. Got married, came back home. We got back 2gether after 10yrs. By then, I was 30. We broke up again. I was 37. He went back with my neighbor. Broke it off with her, and married someone he met in church. This was 24 yrs ago. The final breakup. I treat him as tho he doesn't exist to this very day. He can rot for all if me.

Thank you dr. Grande!

Went out on a blind date. He lied about his age on his profile. I rejected him right away.